0:00:01 > 0:00:03Oh, that's a corner!
0:00:03 > 0:00:07FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Oh, bloody hell!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- How did he miss that? - No-one went up with him.
0:00:16 > 0:00:21- See that, Dad? No-one went up with him. - Your mum could have scored that.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Does anyone remember 9/11?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Steve?- What?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Do you remember 9/11?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Yeah, of course I remember 9/11.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Well, me and Paul watched this documentary last night on the internet.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- And apparently, it was all a hoax. - Laura.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I'm trying to watch the match.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06- Foul!- Dad, did you see that? - It was a foul.- Oh! Off! Off! Off!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Fat brick of shit, ref.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Should have sent him off.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Apparently, George W Bush faked the whole of 9/11
0:01:18 > 0:01:23because of oil, and for his dad, who's also called George W Bush.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43And all the people jumping out of the planes were actors.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Or stunt men. You know, people trained at jumping out of buildings.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I wouldn't be surprised if Prince Philip had a hand in it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- After what he did to Diana...- Laura!
0:01:56 > 0:02:01- We're trying to watch the football! - All right, we're all trying to watch the football.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I can't hear the commentary!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04No-one likes the commentary.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- I do.- OK, Steve, stop showing off.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'm not showing off.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13I'm always like this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Come on, come on, come on. - Go on, son.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Go on.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20ALL: Oh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- MOBILE RINGS - Sorry.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Win it, win it!- Hiya.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Yeah. Yeah, of course.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Cool. It's near the Goose, behind the KFC they burned down.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Becks, do you want to chuck in a pizza?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Why can't you do it?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- You're better at it than I am.- I can't hear you, you're cutting out.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07I don't live here, I'm not checking on the oven.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10OK. We'll both do it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- That was nice, that was very nice. - I still can't hear you.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yeah, that's better.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Sorry. Steve, what number are you?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Number 12, flat B. - It's number 12, flat B.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25All right. OK.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28All right, see you in a bit.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31She's such a laugh.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Who was that?- Gaynor. A girl I met at Faces.- Is she coming over?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Yeah, yeah.- Sorry, I didn't quite catch her name.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Gay. Yeah, Gay. Gaynor.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Gaynor what?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Alan.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- You're going out with someone called Gay Alan!- What's your problem?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56No, nothing. It's fine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I think I'll refer to her as Gaynor.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Gay Alan?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Why wouldn't you let me touch your tit?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Why were you shouting at Laura?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22She's the most annoying person in the history of the human race.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26She's not annoying, Steve, she's my sister.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- The Nazis designed an annoying person.- What's wrong with you today?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Why wouldn't you let me touch your tit?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Don't touch my tit in front of my sister. - But I wanted to touch your tit.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I don't care, it's my tit, I decide who gets to touch it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47What?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I like Skittles.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51What's wrong with you today?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- I had a dream about you, I don't know what to do.- That rhymed.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Becky.- It was just a dream.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It didn't seem like it at the time.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09ALL: Oh! Come on!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- I was trying to find something... - Can this wait until after the match?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You know, this elephant, for some reason. And I'd lost it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- How can you lose an elephant? - And I looked up...
0:05:18 > 0:05:23and you were getting shagged by your ex-boyfriend Lee over a bin.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26It's not funny.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- There was half a dozen men standing around watching.- Just say six.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34And he looked me in the eye,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38and he had a cigar out the side his mouth, and this massive grin.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41And he looked me in the eye, and he said, "Awooga!"
0:05:41 > 0:05:43(BECKS LAUGHS)
0:05:45 > 0:05:47He said "Awooga"?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Yeah, "Awooga".
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- As in Kriss... - Kriss Akabusi's catchphrase, yeah.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55OK. OK, I'm going to watch the football, you're being ridiculous.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59It was horrible. You were really enjoying it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04DOOR BELL RINGS
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Hello, Paul, mate, come in. Nil-nil.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Laura!- Bloody hell, that was right in my ear.
0:06:19 > 0:06:25- Hello, handsome, what do you think of my hair?- I need a word.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I was saying to Greavesie. That's what this world attacks.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Yep, definitely.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35Two footballers or ex-footballers who are mates in real life, and make a programme about it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle sat on a sofa, banging the world to rights.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Brilliant. And Venables.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I'd love to go for a drink with Venables.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Dad, were Glen Hoddle and Chris Waddle actually mates, or was it just because their names rhymed?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51They were mates. I think they had a sports shop together.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Steve's mum saw them in there once, didn't she?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Hm?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Are you going through my phone?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00No.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Your mum met Glenn Hoddle, didn't she?- Yeah, at his sports shop.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I think he co-owned it with Chris Waddle.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09So why is my phone face down?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I never leave it face down, it scratches the screen.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14What's wrong with you, I haven't touched your phone.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Has he?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21- I didn't see him.- No, he weren't looking at nothing, Becks.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23OK. Sorry.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Is this going to be another one of your grudges?- No, it's fine.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'm sorry.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Wing it!- Come on!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Oh!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- So you ARE looking through my phone! - No, of course not!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Just checking to see if the screen's scratched.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Is it?- No.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Thank God.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Good.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57It just looked like you were going through my phone.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02- Why would I do that?- I don't know. Probably looking for texts from Lee.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- One would Lee be texting you? - DOOR BELL RINGS
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Better get that.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Have you been texting Lee?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13No. Of course not.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Good, well, I ain't been going through your phone, OK?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I'm not a bloody mentalist.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33We've just hit the bar.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Steve, kitchen, now.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Becky, we're having a family conference.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I'm watching the football.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- Book him, ref!- Ref, book him.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Referee!- What's more important? Family or football?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Family?- Thank you.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You can watch the highlights.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16OK, Becks. Steve? Where's Steve?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Here.- OK, Steve, sit down.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Paul's got something he needs to tell you.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27In your own time.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- HE MUMBLES - Is it Luke?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Luke's fine.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Say it, Paul.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Um.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Come on, mate, come on.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Hurry up and say it, Paul.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I'm adopted.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59He's adopted.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He found out this afternoon, didn't you?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04He had a showdown with his mum.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- She's not my mum. - He had a showdown with his ex-mum.
0:10:08 > 0:10:14I've been lied to my entire life by these ugly fucking bullshitters.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I really feel for you, Paul.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Thanks, Becks.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- Yeah, I'm, I'm really sorry to hear about it too, mate.- Thanks, mate.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Thanks, Steve.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I trashed their fucking house. Wankers.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37BUZZER
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Well, the pizzas are ready.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47My real mum put me up for adoption as soon as I was born. She was 15.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51That's really awful, Becks. It sounds like his mum's a right slut.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58There's a hole inside me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01He means an emotional hole, not an actual one.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I mean, like, who is Paul?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10It may not even be my real name.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I'm a nobody. Nothing.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I..
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I... Nothing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Steve, stop looking at the pizzas!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Sorry. I can smell them.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26For God's sake, Steve, I'm in crisis.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I had an early lunch.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Shit. Nobody fucking cares, do they?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- So what if he's adopted?- Go for it.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It's not worth missing the football.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'd love to be adopted.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Find my real parents, make them feel guilty, and just get them to buy me stuff.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Yeah. Make them feel awful.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I'd at least get a dinner out of it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Oh, how's it going, Paul?
0:12:07 > 0:12:12It's just a lie, Becky. Just a lifetime of lies.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Oh.- Come on, County!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18So sorry to hear about all that, mate.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Awful. Listen, why don't we have some beers and pizza, eh?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Watch the match.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Take your mind off it? - It's a good match.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I'll lend you a Morse DVD, if you like.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yeah, all right then.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Good. Now, Paul, you go through and have some pizza with the lads.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45- And I'll download a ringtone with Becks.- Or we could watch football.- No.- OK.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I need a new ringtone, Becks, I've had this one for a week.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50OK.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I'm so proud of Paul.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57He's handling it so well. How do I get onto the internet?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Er, Steve usually steals it from Dan.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01What's his password?
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Danlovesmilfs. All one word. - Danlovesmilfs?- Yeah.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Didn't take us long to guess it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- You all right, Paul?- Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18How's things at Ryman's?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- We ran out of staplers.- Oh, right.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- We ordered some more in. - Thank God for that, eh?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33We went to strip club last night, didn't we, Dad?
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Yeah.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Oh!- Oh, he should have scored that, shouldn't he?- Donkey.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Yeah, it was one of those ones where you pay them a little bit extra
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and they let you touch them, didn't they?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You can touch their tits, arse, legs.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54I tried to stick my finger in, she punched me in the eye.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59What do you think of this one?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03MUSIC: "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Yeah, it's wicked.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10You ever been to a strip club, Steve?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15No. I'd feel like a plonker.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16It's so expensive, isn't it, Dad?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Pay all that money and then they're just Polish birds with dykey hair.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- They did have very dykey hair. - Dykey hair?- Yeah.- Oh, is a phrase?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Yeah, dykey hair, isn't it, Dad? - Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Hair like a dyke.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's much cheaper to get a whore.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Is it?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Yeah. I mean, they're not as attractive as the strippers.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- No, no, they're a lot more weather-beaten.- Yeah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50But they'll do anything for heroin.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Imagine me doing this on the train.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Yeah.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'd basically become the most famous person on the train, Becks.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And everyone would know who I am.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- He's a natural. He's got funny bones.- Yeah, he's proper funny.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Who's that?- Oh, Ollie.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Ollie?- We don't know his surname.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21He's just started driving the 357, the black fella.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Yeah, with the voices.- That's him.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Get him to teach the other drivers how to make travelling more fun.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30He's a natural.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- He's great, isn't he? - Black people are always fun.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- What?- What does that mean?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Well, not in a racist way. I mean it as a good thing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49How can it be a good thing?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Well, it's a compliment.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53How can it be racist if it's a compliment?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Yeah, but what do you mean?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I didn't mean anything.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00How are black people fun?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Kriss Akabusi. He's fun.
0:16:04 > 0:16:10Erm. Nelson Mandela, he's, he's really fun, he's always smiling and waving and shit.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Um, Trevor McDonald.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16He's the most fun newsreader of his generation.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Steve's got the point. Trevor McDonald is proper funny.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22He done that dance on Children in Need.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Yeah? What about Moira Stewart then? - Good one.- OK.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29This is just getting silly. Clearly I didn't mean all black people are fun just because they're black.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35Stood all around, about half... six, all watching.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Six is the number of the devil, Becks.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40OK.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45All watching Lee shagging me over a bin.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Lee!- I know.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51And Lee looked him in the eye, and said,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"Awooga!"
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Why was he doing you over a bin?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- I don't know. - It's so uncomfortable over a bin.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Oh! I'm obviously not a racist.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08So can we please just watch the football?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10All right, define what you mean by fun?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Yeah, because I find this offensive, and I'm not even black.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I don't believe this.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- What's going on? - It's Steve, he keeps...
0:17:18 > 0:17:19OK, it's nothing, it's nothing.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27- Steve?- Sorry.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Well, he was saying about Ollie whatever his name is... - We don't know his surname.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Ollie, drives a bus, sometimes has a moustache, black.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Careful, Steve.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Anyway, he's adopted. Paul was telling us his unfortunate news.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42We got talking about Ollie.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And I said he's just started driving a bus, and he makes it a fun bus.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47He makes fun announcements on his bus.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Yeah, like, when he speaks over the tannoy, he does an impression of Donald Duck.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And sometimes he wears a hat.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57- And Steve said...- All I said was, and not in a racist way, all I said
0:17:57 > 0:18:01was, it's because sometimes some black people can sometimes be fun.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03It's not what you said.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05You lying shit, you said "are".
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Are always fun.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Always, whatever, I got it wrong, OK? I was distracted because I was looking through...
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Looking through what?- Nothing!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I'm not a racist.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20OK. Let's just watch the football.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23They're not fun, they're a very serious race.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I didn't... I didn't mean to be racist.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- No-one means to be racist, Steve. - Can we just watch the football?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Steve's not a racist.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Thank you.- He fancies Halle Berry. - Do you?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Yeah.- Should have said. - That's all right then.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49We fancy her, don't we? Yeah.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- And Whoopi Goldberg.- Oh, mate!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- Becky.- Steve.- No, not now.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03She was really hot in The Color Purple.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06MOBILE RINGTONE
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Hi Shelley, did you get my text?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Yeah. He's adopted. His real mother gave him up at birth.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Mm. She was 15. And a bit of a slag, if I'm honest.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- No-one knows who his real dad was, because she was doing about five boys at once.- Laura!
0:19:27 > 0:19:33I mean, they were a very loving family but, Paul never fitted in.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- I guess now we know why.- Laura!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Laur, do you want to take it outside?
0:19:38 > 0:19:43The fact of the matter is, Shelley, his pretend mum didn't have a womb.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Laura!- Sorry, Shells, Steve's being a sexist prick.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I'll call you back later. Oh, did you get my text about my new hair?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Yeah, but with clips.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Laura. Please!- All right.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Bye, Shell. Bye.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh, Jesus! How did he drop that?
0:20:01 > 0:20:06- Dreadful. My mum could have caught that.- Sorry, Steve, Or should I say, "awooga"?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Did you tell her?- Of course not.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- DOORBELL - If you've told her... - Answer the door.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- HE FARTS - EVERYONE: Oh! - I got up too quick.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Seriously, it's like going out with a child.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31ALL: Aw!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Hi. Is Barney there?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Yeah, come in. Come in. I'm Steve.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- Nice to meet you, Steve.- Hi.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Gay Allan's here.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hello, love. Everyone, this is Gay.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Gay, everyone. You know my dad.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Hi, everyone. Hi, Mike.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You all right, sweetheart. My boy treating you right?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Yeah, he's lovely.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I taught him everything he knows.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Oh, that's a corner.- It's nil-nil.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Great. Well, there's everything to play for.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12You seem like a nice and polite young lady, Gaynor.
0:21:12 > 0:21:18- Thank you.- It's nice to see Barney with a decent human being, not like that fat slob Michelle.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- What do you do, love? - She's a nurse, aren't you?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Not quite. Do you know Whipps Cross Hospital?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- I was born there.- We all were.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, that's nice.
0:21:28 > 0:21:34I sort of help out on the children's ward, looking after the kids, cheering them up, having fun.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Do you knew anything about RSI, I get it in my arms?
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- I've told you, go and see a doctor about it.- Yes, I know, but I thought Gaynor might have overhead a surgeon
0:21:45 > 0:21:48or a nurse talking about it on the children's ward.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I am afraid not. I'm usually dressed like a clown or doing a silly dance to amuse them.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- Oh, well done, it's very noble of you.- I don't know about that.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59We just have a lot of fun.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01What?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Steve's got this theory, Gay.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It's not a theory.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Black people are always fun.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13It was a joke, it was an anti-racist comment, and I've apologised for it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16We all find his opinions despicable.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Well, he's got a point, in a way.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21OK, but I wasn't trying to make a point.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26It's not that black people are fun, it's just that white people are all so boring!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Gaynor. This is Paul, my fiance.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh, congratulations.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Thank you.- Hi, Paul.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Just so you know, normally he's the life and soul,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04but he's very sad at the moment because he's just found out he's adopted.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Hm.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I'm sorry to hear that.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Thanks.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Er, do you want a drink, Gay?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Lager?- That would be lovely.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Give me two of them and I'll be anyone's.- Better get her three then!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Are you going to help me, Becks?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Why do you need help getting a can out of the fridge?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Becks?
0:23:43 > 0:23:48She waves when she says hello, even though I'm sat right in front of her.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Are you being racist again?
0:23:51 > 0:23:52No!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I can't... Do you know, it would annoy me whatever colour her skin was.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59It annoys me when my nan does it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I can't believe everyone thinks I'm racist.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09Well, if you don't want everyone to think you're a racist, then you shouldn't say racist things.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15It's just...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Becky?- Oh, don't use that voice.
0:24:27 > 0:24:33- What a voice?- "Becky." - I need to ask you something.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- It's not about Lee, is it? - Of course it's not.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Did you have sex with Lee on a bin?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Or near a bin, or like, using a bin.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Or shouting "Awooga"? While six men watched?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- SHOUTING AT THE TV - Oh, you absolute donkey!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Shut up about your stupid dream,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02and let's watch the football.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07OK.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Oh, did you see Laura's dykey hair?
0:25:22 > 0:25:27When did "dykey hair" suddenly become a phrase?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Oi, oi, oi, oi.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Mike tried to finger a stripper.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32I don't want to know.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Still nil-nil. - Yeah, missed a penalty.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I used your shower gel as bubble bath, I hope that's OK.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Yeah, of course.- Thanks.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Brushed my teeth.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What's the score?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Nil-nil. But we missed loads of chances.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32"We"?
0:26:34 > 0:26:39Dan. Just so you know, because everyone else knows, Paul's adopted.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- Bad luck, mate.- Yeah, let's not get into that one again.
0:26:44 > 0:26:51- OK. Not a bad thing. Loads of famous people are adopted.- Leave it.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Yeah. Of course.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Like who?- Marilyn Monroe.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- Was she?- Yep. Bill Clinton. - Really?- Yeah.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Jesus.- You're in good company, Paul.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Just because his mother rejected him doesn't mean everyone else will.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Come on, go on! Go on!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22ALL: Yes!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Quality!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Go on, you!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Yeah!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Come closer and cuddle me tight
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang when you are near
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Boom bang-a-bang bang all the time
0:27:45 > 0:27:51# It's such a lovely feeling
0:27:51 > 0:27:55# When I'm in your arms
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# Don't go away, I wanna stay my whole life through
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# Boom bang-a-bang-bang close to you. #