0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Er, that's...that's my chicken. - Jesus!- All right! Paul!
0:00:06 > 0:00:08That's it Paul! He touched your bird!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10He disrespected you on your birthday.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- I'm gonna go out and kick him till he dies!- Oh, Paul! - Kick the cupboard.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Imagine it's his bollocks.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Paul, don't kick my cupboard.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- Kick it again, Paul. - Imagine it's his arsehole
0:00:21 > 0:00:22LAUGHTER
0:00:22 > 0:00:25It's a compliment really when you think about it.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26He must see...
0:00:26 > 0:00:32- What?- How many people's arses d'you think you see a day?
0:00:32 > 0:00:37A million? So he sees a million people's arses every day
0:00:37 > 0:00:41and mine's the one he decides to pinch. I've still got it.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44You're an attractive young lady, Laura.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Yes, I know. I don't need you to tell me that, Shelly.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Honestly, Shell! - SHOUTING AND BANGING FROM KITCHEN
0:00:51 > 0:00:53PAUL: When it's your birthday,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55you don't expect to be treated like you're somebody
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- who isn't having a birthday. - I know, Paul. I know, Paul.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00This programme contains strong language.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Careful! - I'm the birthday boy!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04I know you are, I know you are.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I've gotta check on my princess.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Are you all right, darling? How are you feeling?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13I think I'm gonna have a bruise.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Laura!
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Will you kiss it better?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Thank you, Paul.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Oh, look at him now. - Maybe we should leave it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- He's just being a prick. - He's ruined my birthday, Becky!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40D'you know how many birthdays I get a year?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Yes. - And no-one,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- no-one touches my bird! - Um, I'm not your bird, Paul.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Yes, you are.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- I'm a feminist. - No, no, you're not.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50- Yes, I am. - No, no, you're not.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Yes, I am, Paul.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53No you're not.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I'm a feminist, I'm just not a dykey one.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Paul, are we gonna kill this freak
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- or not? - Listen, Darren, mate...
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Shut up!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Yes, but why don't we be the mature ones and stay up here and...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Shut up!- Yep. OK.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10But, er, you know, we just got Paul the Home Alone films
0:02:10 > 0:02:13for his birthday. We could have some beers, watch 'em in order...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Shut the fuck up!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What's he doing down there?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19He's just sort of sitting.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21SCOFFS: Bastard!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I think he's basically waiting so he can have another go on me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Paul.- Coming.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Paul!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31We don't just walk into 'em. We take our time.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Go with him, Laur.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- Calm down, Paul! You'll get an ulcer.- Come on, Paul!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Let's watch Home Alone! You like it. It's funny!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Right, Shelly, how do I look?- You look lovely.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Good. OK, let's do this.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48D'you think we should go down there and stop him.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Nah.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Home Alone? SHE LAUGHS
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I dunno. It was worth a try.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05PAUL: Oi! Gay boys!
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Oh, God.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08They're ignoring you, Paul.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Oi, look at you! You're a bunch of gay boys!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15BECKY: Gay boys?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Excuse me. We're talking to you!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Leave it, Paul. It's not worth it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21DARREN: Paul. They're disrespecting you.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22PAUL: Are you listening to me
0:03:22 > 0:03:26or am I gonna have to come over there and shout it in your fucking brains?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- BECKY GROANS MAN:- Go back inside.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30PAUL: No! I won't! It's my birthday!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Happy birthday.- Thank you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36STEVE BREAKS WIND
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- That was a goodie. - HE LAUGHS
0:03:39 > 0:03:42BECKY LAUGHS
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I don't know why I find that funny.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Shall we have sex?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- I dunno. They might come back up. - I'll be quick.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I won't.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04The other Paul ate the chicken.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Did he?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That's annoying.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I've been thinking about that for hours.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
0:04:17 > 0:04:19One day, shall we buy an egg with a chick in it,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21hatch it, grow it up,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25feed it with its own eggs, then kill it, pluck it,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27then roast it on a spit and eat it?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Feed it with its own eggs?!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38MOBILE PLAYS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Who is it?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Oh, I dunno. I haven't got their number.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Well, answer it!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46No, It might be a weirdo.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48It won't be a weirdo. Just answer it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I'm not answering the phone to a weirdo.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Are you dancing to your own ringtone?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08- Yep. - HE LAUGHS
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Laura does that.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I'm just doing it ironically.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Hm.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21What time does Nando's shut?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26I'm not walking for ten minutes
0:05:26 > 0:05:30just to go Nando's. Somerfield's have got a rotisserie.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Ooh. KFC!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34We could share a Bargain Bucket.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I'm not sharing a Bargain Bucket with you.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38We'll split it equally.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40How many times have I heard that?!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Why has no one started a business
0:05:41 > 0:05:43where you can just call them day or night
0:05:43 > 0:05:45and they bring you a chicken? STEVE BREAKS WIND
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Ugh!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49You'd think Branson would do it.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- TYRES SCREECH MAN:- Fuck you!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57SHOUTING, CAR HORN BEEPS
0:05:57 > 0:06:01PAUL: I was trying to cross the road to deal with these bastards!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Why is chicken the only meat you can eat from a bucket?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07CAR HORN BEEPS, SHOUTING
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh, I'd love a bucket of beef.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Or a bucket of pork.- Lamb.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Oh! Mmm, a bucket of lamb.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Mmm! Mmm! - CAR HORN BEEPS
0:06:18 > 0:06:23GRUNTS
0:06:23 > 0:06:25CAR SPEEDS OFF
0:06:35 > 0:06:37So what is Salon Wolves?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39HE MUMBLES
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Nope. Didn't get a word of that.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- SLOWLY:- Barney's old band.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I didn't know Barney was musical.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Drums.- Oh.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Yeah they got this, um...
0:07:09 > 0:07:10this song.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Sure it's in here.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14It's such a load of crap, innit?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Bloody hell!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Yeah, so they've got this one really nice song
0:07:19 > 0:07:20and the rest of them are dog shit.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Where is it?- What are you doing?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I've got their CD.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Sure it's in here.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Bollocks! HE GROANS
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Never get that back in. Urgh.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39HE SIGHS AND GROANS
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Shit!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Anyway, they're really good. They've got this song that goes...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Don't sing it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04There's somebody chucking stuff. It's not right, it's not safe.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- They've started chucking stuff.- Oh, oh, it's crazy down there, Becks.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12DAN: Steve.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Steve!
0:08:19 > 0:08:20What's going on?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Look at me, Becks. I'm like Rapunzel.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30MEN SHOUT OUTSIDE
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Oh, yeah. Bit of good news.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39You know Paul's friend, the other Paul? He said he'd shag you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Oh. That's nice.- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44He reckons you're a six.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45What a sweetie.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, did you see the one that pinched my arse, Shell?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50He's like an eight or a nine, isn't he?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I'm not boasting, Becks but he looks like Jude Law.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Except he's black.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yeah, a black Jude Law.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58- SIGHS:- We were gonna go down The Goose,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01but Laura got her arse pinched and Paul went mental.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02What's that?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10HE LAUGHS
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Kevin McCallister.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Anita's getting a bit aggie about the noise.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Is Shelly in there?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Yeah.
0:09:25 > 0:09:31- Mind if I hide in here?- I thought I told you to shut them up!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Yes, sweetheart. Sorry.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Just dealing with it now. Go back to bed.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's utterly unacceptable.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I know, darling. I'm dealing with it. Go on.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Well, are you dealing with it
0:09:44 > 0:09:47or are you standing around talking to your bum chum?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- All right, Anita?- Daniel.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Yep. OK. I'll be up in a minute, darling.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Just let me sort everything out for you. Go on. Hop back into bed.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Go on, love.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01DOOR SLAMS
0:10:03 > 0:10:04She normally shaves it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- I don't like violence, Becky. - I know you don't.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- I know. - It reminds me of when I was little.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14All right, Shell!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I've heard enough about your childhood to last me a lifetime.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18But, Laura, I mean, what's the point?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20People go to war and they kill each other.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24And then there's terrorists and ash clouds.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Why does everything have to be so mean?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I don't get it. I just don't get it, Laur.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32All right, Shell, it's fine for you not to get it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Just don't go on about your fucking stepdad.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37My parents used to leave me at home a lot.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Did they?- Yeah.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44And we got burgled. It was terrible. Nothing like the film.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46They tied me to the banisters and killed my dog.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49OK.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52I still think about it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56MOBILE PLAYS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Who's that? - Dunno. I haven't got their number.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03You should answer that. Could be your mum.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06But no cos I've got her number in my phone, haven't I?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08But I haven't got this number.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Oh, right. Yeah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Becky? Could be Becky.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- No. Again... - HE CHUCKLES
0:11:14 > 0:11:16..I've got her number. And she's in there.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18She wouldn't be ringing me, would she, Dan?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Yeah. Of course.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22DOOR OPENS PAUL: His mates are coming!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Could be your...
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Dan. - DARREN:- Paul, it's under control.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27He's called his mates.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Are you winning?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31His mates are coming.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34It's under control, Paul. My dad's gonna bring his dog.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37OK. This is all getting a bit silly, don't you think?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Steve, I've been molested.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41He's ruined the birthday of a human being.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Yes I know, but how about we un-ruin it
0:11:43 > 0:11:47by sharing a cab to Nando's and taking it all out on a chicken?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- HE SCREAMS - You're embarrassing yourself, Paul.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Now get up, grow a dick and get outside.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- I'm coming! MAN:- Oi, gay boy! Come outside!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57SHOUTS: Fuck the lot of you!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00JEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:01CHEERING
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Er...- MAN OUTSIDE: Whoa!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- What was that?! Fuckin' hell! - Missed.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11MOBILE PLAYS: "Pass Out" By Tinie Tempah
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Yeah?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- LAURA:- Paul!- Yeah, I'm coming.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- SHELLY:- Stay up here, Paul. - That's my lamp!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19All right, Steve. It was a shit lamp.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24That cost me a fiver! Bloody hell, they're chucking stuff up now!
0:12:24 > 0:12:30- I spent £5 on that. Oh, bloody hell!- I'll fix the drawer.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32SHOUTING OUTSIDE
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Thanks, Dan.- Thanks, Dan.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER MAN: Oooh, nearly!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Can you pass me a pen? We should do his card.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Pen.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Hmm? Oh.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- MAN:- Fuck you, you fucking twat! - OK, what shall I put?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I dunno. To Paul?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Dear Paul?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Dear Paul?! Who the fuck do you think you are?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17All right!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER AND CLANGING OUTSIDE
0:13:20 > 0:13:21To...
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Ugh.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
0:13:37 > 0:13:38It was a present.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49OK. Happy birthday?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52No, think of something funny.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Let's just put "happy birthday".
0:13:53 > 0:13:56No! We're funny, we can think of something funny to put in it.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58HE TUTS
0:14:00 > 0:14:02CLATTERING AND GRUNTS FROM OUTSIDE
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Shall I just sign it and we can fill it in later?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Yeah.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- MAN:- Here we go. - WHOOPING
0:14:27 > 0:14:28- Bloody hell!- Shit!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Oi! - LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- We haven't done anything! - It wasn't us!
0:14:34 > 0:14:35We're staying out of it!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- MAN:- Where's the bald bastard? - We dunno.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40We've just been sitting up here
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- eating cheese, haven't we? - BECKY: Yeah, yeah,
0:14:42 > 0:14:43we don't wanna get involved in stuff like that.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Please stop throwing things stuff at us!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Leave us alone!
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Hello.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Here he is. The world's most pointless person.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Steve just asked me to fix his drawer.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I've got one of my stomach aches, thanks to you and your noisy little cronies.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, sorry.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- You don't think it might be...- What?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Nothing. No, Sorry.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- You sure it's not the...- What?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- Nothing. Sorry.- Good.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I just mean... I'm wondering if the corned beef might...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Daniel.- Yep. Sorry.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'm just thinking about your stomach.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Em, if it's, you know...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31If eating all that...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35What d'you think caused your stomach ache?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36You did.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- You don't think it's all the corned...- No!
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Sorry.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Now get upstairs and find the Gaviscon.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45SOBBING Oh God! Shelly!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, I can't stop thinking about chicken.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Oh, it's definitely here somewhere.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It's got this song on it, I, um...
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Ah, here it is!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10It's got this song on it.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I listened to it the first time we met.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Did you?
0:16:18 > 0:16:24# When I saw you standing there so pretty
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# I cleaned my... # They threw a bin at me!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- You OK?- They descended on me. Did you see it?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- They all came on me at once. - Oo-er.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I don't know what's going on, Steve.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Come into the bathroom, Paul!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43That's it. How dizzy are you? Are you very dizzy.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I'm not dizzy!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You must be a bit dizzy, they threw a bin at you.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I'm not dizzy, Laura!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Sit down, I don't want you falling over.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I can't sit down.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- SHELLY:- He can't sit down, Becky! - BECKY: Oh, no.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Paul, sit down, keep calm and keep breathing.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You have to keep breathing otherwise you'll die.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00That's it Paul, in and out.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You're gonna be all right.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Just went on me own Steve, saying stuff to 'em
0:17:04 > 0:17:06and it was all under control, it was all fine.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Look up, Paul.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I was running it, Steve, I was calling 'em stuff,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- it was good. - OK, now look down.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15And suddenly, out of nowhere, he had all these mates
0:17:15 > 0:17:18and they all came on me at once and they all started running
0:17:18 > 0:17:22and one of them picked up a bin and threw it at me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Ow!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- It hit him on the face, Becky.- Argh!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I'm gonna do a little eyesight test on you now, OK?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Paul, how many fingers am I holding up?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Paul...how many fingers am I holding up?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Stop shouting at me!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- Calm down, mate. Come on.- Keep calm
0:17:41 > 0:17:42or you'll rupture something.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Do something, someone! - It was three.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Step back, everyone. I'm going to dress the wound.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48- MAN: Where is the little faggot? - Paul. Paul!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- DOG GROWLS - You're being an embarrassment!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Get outside, you little cocksucker!
0:17:53 > 0:17:54- No I'm coming! - Well, hurry up, then!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- DOG BARKS - All right, boy.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Not yet. Not yet.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01What am I gonna do, Steve? Look at me.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Just... Just calm down and we'll get you a plaster.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08For heaven's sakes, Steve! We need to sterilise the wound first.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Have you got any TCP?- Fucking TCP?!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Look at me! SHE SCREAMS
0:18:12 > 0:18:14You're a useless piece of shit sometimes.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- SHELLY WAILS - Will you shut up, Shelly?!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I'm going to burst a blood vessel in a minute.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Paul! What the fuck are you doing? - Yeah, I'm coming!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Grow a fucking dick, mate. Jesus!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- SHELLY WHIMPERS - Don't listen to 'em.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Where were you when I needed you, Steve? You're my best man.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35PANTING: All these blokes just came on me at once.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oo-er. HE CHUCKLES
0:18:37 > 0:18:40We'll look after you. Just stay up here, yeah?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Come on, Paul. It's not that bad.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I need some disinfectant, Steve. Or bleach.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I need to clean the wound before it goes green.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I want to go to bed, Steve. It's my birthday. I wanna go to bed.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- HE SCREAMS - Does that hurt?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54- Yes!- Good.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56You've got to be cruel to be kind. Becks, I need a swab.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59HE SCREAMS How can they do this to me?!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- I don't know, mate.- How can they do this to me on my birthday?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Well, If you will go out with someone like me,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05you've got to accept the consequences, Paul.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It's like when they killed JFK cos he had a fit wife.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- Laura! Fuck off! - Paul!
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Paul, stop it!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I'm just trying to heal you, Paul.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17There's nothing left of me to give!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22SHOUTING OUTSIDE, SHELLY WHIMPERS
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Shall we look for some dressing?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Yeah.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Sit down, Paul. I don't want you getting dizzy.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Thanks, Laura.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41Now, I'm gonna put some water on this tissue and dab it on your face, OK?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42OK.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45What are you doing? You're such a pillock!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- LAUGHS:- You said, "Let's look for some dressing,"
0:19:47 > 0:19:49as in wound dressing, and I...
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Yes.- I know. I get the joke.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57How have we even got this?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Hmm...
0:20:00 > 0:20:05It's your birthday. Dan, look in that cupboard,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- see if they've got any bleach. - DAN: Yep.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10PAUL: You can't put bleach on my face, Laura!
0:20:10 > 0:20:11We've got to clean the wound, Paul.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Have we got any wound dressing?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Honestly, it's revolting. - Yeah. It's in the first-aid kit.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17HE LAUGHS
0:20:17 > 0:20:21PAUL SCREAMS: Ow! That's boiling hot!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- No, it's not.- Jesus!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32One minute.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Ooh, I forgot about that!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41So did I!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Can we eat it with our fingers? - Yeah, course!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Oh, my knickers are getting wet just thinking about it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Becky! Don't say things like that!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Mmm! I'm gonna eat its arsehole.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04- Rebecca!- Oh, soup.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09MAN: You're sat up here with your dick in your hand!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11MUFFLED RAISED VOICES
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Thanks.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19MAN: Fuck's sake, Paul!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21SHOUTING CONTINUES
0:21:21 > 0:21:24PAUL: It's not fair. It's not fair!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's my lucky day!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32So are we watching Home Alone or...?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36MOBILE PLAYS MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Is that the same number?- Yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES All right?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50No, he's not here.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54He's visiting a horse.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Can I ask who's calling?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04CLEARS THROAT
0:22:06 > 0:22:07You got any bread?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Well, who was it?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- I wanna dunk. - Dan, who was it?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- That'll do.- Er...Dan?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Dan!
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Dan, tell us who it was or you can go back upstairs to Anita.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Um, it was Julie, your ex.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31What?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- She doesn't like you, does she? - Hmm
0:22:33 > 0:22:35At all.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37She hates you, in fact. Thinks you're well ugly.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38All right.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh, God. Paul's gonna go back down there.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Paul! - Oh, Steve, don't be a dick.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52Paul. Paul, I want you to calm down and stay up here, OK?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55We'll put Home Alone on and we'll tell 'em we're sorry
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and ask then nicely to leave us alone.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Little bastard. It's funny.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03What the fuck is this?!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- It's your... It's your birthday card.- Well, where's the message?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09We were trying to think of something funny to write.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13What's funny about giving a human being a birthday card without a message?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You're worse than my fucking mother!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Oh, Paul! - I'm living in a nightmare!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Oh, no. Come on, Paul. Paul, that was my granddad's. Paul.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Fucking....it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Don't get blood on your shoes, Paul!
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Fuck yourself!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Oh, Paul, come back here with that.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Steve, come on, I'll get you another one.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Paul, that was my granddad's!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I've got a fairy you can have.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48SHELLY SOBS
0:24:30 > 0:24:35# All the other guys
0:24:37 > 0:24:41# I will spend forever
0:24:43 > 0:24:46# Thinking how great you look tonight
0:24:49 > 0:24:53# I can't believe you like me
0:24:53 > 0:24:55# But I think you might
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# When you spoke to me
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# I couldn't stop looking at you
0:25:10 > 0:25:17# And the way your lips move when you speak
0:25:17 > 0:25:22# I just wanted to take your lips and kiss them
0:25:22 > 0:25:28# But I didn't cos I'm awkward and I'm weak
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# And I will spend forever
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# Thinking how great you looked tonight
0:25:42 > 0:25:45# I can't believe you like me... #
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Sorry, Dan. Sorry, Shelly. Do you mind?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Blimey, you all right? - He got elbowed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51SIREN WAILS
0:25:52 > 0:25:56You're so stupid! For fuck's sake!
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Don't get involved. Jesus, I said don't get involved.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# ..Oh, I will spend forever... #
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Oh, oh, oh, ouch! - It's just a shitty old star!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11They're two for a quid in the pound shop.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15MUSIC STOPS
0:26:16 > 0:26:18For fuck's sake!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23We should've just stayed here and finished the soup!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I said that.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I said we should have just stayed up here!
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Why would you go out there? What do you know about being in a fight?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Oh, oh, oh, oh.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49You stupid bloody idiot.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56SIREN WHOOPS
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Are you OK?- Not really.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15How's your little nose?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Oh, God.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38BECKY LAUGHS
0:27:40 > 0:27:43You're such a twat.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45HE LAUGHS
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- LAUGHS:- Ow!
0:27:55 > 0:28:00LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:04# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang when you are near
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Boom-bang-a-bang all the time
0:28:07 > 0:28:12# It's such a lovely feeling
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# When I'm in your arms
0:28:16 > 0:28:20# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Boom-bang-a-bang close to you. #