0:00:02 > 0:00:05THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Why have we got Cava in the laundry basket?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09It's the sort of thing he'd say in his speech.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10What d'you mean, speech?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- What's that?- What?
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Hello, Laura.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Here he is. Isn't he handsome?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Now get dressed, Steve, we're going for a picnic.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- I've got a hangover, Laur. - No, you don't.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Hello, Shelly. That was quick. Oh, right.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Wow.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- You had a nice morning? - It's been bloody brilliant.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I swear on my mum's life, you're being mental.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Why would I want to marry you? You fucking stink.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36What's this?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Don't you dare get married before me.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- No, that's not...- It's fucking...no.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Would you still love me if I smelt like that?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Oh, my God! No. Of course not.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Wow.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18What have we used that smells like that?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Oh, Jesus.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33HE LAUGHS
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- I think I'm all right. - Seriously. It's disgusting.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Uuugghh!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Uuugghh!
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Oh, careful with that. It's the world's sharpest knife.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56OK, I'll take the bin down now
0:01:56 > 0:02:01and then from now on every time it's half full, we're changing it.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Becks! We're waiting!
0:02:10 > 0:02:11OK!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You going in?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I want to see how you get out of this.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Very good.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Come on, Becks. Let's look at the dresses.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43They're lovely, Laur.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Who wants sausages?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49ALL: Yes, please!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Did he get enough breakfast stuff?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Yes. - And is he doing me a grapefruit?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Yes.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Good. Now then...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03this is the one I'm thinking is the most bridesmaidsy.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Wow. That's lovely, Laura.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Yeah, that's really nice, Laur.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm going to put bells on it
0:03:10 > 0:03:12so you'll jingle when you come up the aisle.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Nice.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- The bump said it's his favourite. - Did he?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Yeah. Ask him.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23When are Paul and his mum getting here?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Oh, my God. You're going to love her.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Her clothes are ridiculous. And his brother's coming.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You should see him, Becks, he's like...
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Have you seen one of those pornos
0:03:32 > 0:03:35where the boys look a little bit underage?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36No.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Really?- Yes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41He's a bit like one of them. But happier.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Shelly!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Sausages are on!
0:03:46 > 0:03:47ALL: Thanks.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49What was that?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- I was talking to them.- Oh.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You doing me a grapefruit?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Yes.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I need vitamins, Steve, or the baby melts.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I know.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07How is the little bump? Is he all right?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yeah. I'm teaching him to speak.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11How's that going?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Well.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Good.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24I was just wondering if I could have a word about me and Becky.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Ta-da!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Oh. And have you given any more thought to readings, Laura?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Yes, Shelly. Nice of you to ask.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I thought each of you could read out a thing you've written about me.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Just a poem or something. An essay.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43A hymn.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44OK.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46It wouldn't have to be long. Just five, ten minutes.
0:04:46 > 0:04:4915 if you need it. No more than 20.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50That OK, Becks?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Sounds perfect.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I love you.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57I love you too.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Good.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Now, this one's in case we want something off-the-wall
0:05:04 > 0:05:06and completely fucking slutty.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Shelly!
0:05:08 > 0:05:09DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:13 > 0:05:15They've got an inflatable chair.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Lovely.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Yeah. It wobbles when you sit on it.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Is Laura going to be in there?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Yeah.- Good.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It's filthy in there. Just to warn you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Oh. God. Dirty?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Yeah. They're nice people but their flat is fucking disgusting.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Here he is!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Steve, I'd like you to meet Ian, my biological brother.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Half-brother. - I finally found him!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Ah, nice to meet you. - And you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Our mum was going to come too but she's got a meeting.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Yeah, she's very busy.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- OK. Paul.- What's wrong? Can't I give my own brother a kiss?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53No, it's not that...half-brother. It's not that. It's just...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55PAUL LAUGHS
0:05:57 > 0:06:01OK, Paul. I think that's enough.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Paul!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- I got him on the lips. - No, you didn't.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Come in and meet everyone.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15I did that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Lovely.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Ian's here.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Hello, Ian, baby! Gimme a kiss!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Shit.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Steve.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27There's not much to say about him. This is Shelly.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30She's working nights and going through the menopause.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34And this is my sister Becky. Becky, Shelly, this is Ian.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- He's Paul's biological brother. - Half-brother.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Yes, he's my brother, Becky, but more importantly,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42he's my best friend.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- It's nice to meet you. - Yes. Very nice to meet you, Ian.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Look.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, yes. Lovely.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Told you.- Yep.- Sit on it.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Steve, do you mind if I...?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Go ahead.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Wobbly?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Very.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Talk to him, Shell. Make conversation.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16So what d'you do for a living, Ian?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19He works in construction. They give him a car.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21And he's got a French wife.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Ooooooh!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26She's English. And we're not married.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34So tell us about construction. What does that involve?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Buildings and shit?- Yeah.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40It's buildings and shit. Car parks. Restaurants. Sheds.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Lovely.- Very nice.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It's probably a touch more specialised, if I'm honest.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Shhhh.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Look at him. Isn't he fuckable?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53HE LAUGHS
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Imagine being his PE teacher.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00There are things I could do to you
0:08:00 > 0:08:03that your wife's never even heard of.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09D'you want some breakfast, Ian?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10I'm having a grapefruit.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No. I've eaten. Thank you.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13What d'you have?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Toast.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17White?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Yep.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20That's what I have.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Kingsmill?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Warburtons.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Right.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Sorry, Steve. I wasn't told you were doing a breakfast.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Nor was I till about an hour ago.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Have an egg.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Honestly, I don't want to put anyone to any trouble.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You're not. Have an egg.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46To be honest, we're meant to be on a detox this month...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Seriously, Ian. Have a fucking egg.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Could I maybe just have an egg?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- You don't have to. - He wants an egg.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'd love an egg.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So these are the two we've looked at so far.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- FIRE ALARM BLARES - Fire! Fire! Fire!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Jesus Christ, Steve! There's a fire! Steve! There's a fucking fire!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Something's burning in the kitchen! - Shelly, get the fuck up.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh, bloody hell. For God's sake.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13HE YELPS
0:09:19 > 0:09:21HE COUGHS
0:09:21 > 0:09:23ALARM CONTINUES
0:09:25 > 0:09:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Is that Flat B?!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Yeah!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36They don't fucking care!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39They don't give a shit because they're fucking cock-suckers!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41They're disgusting.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43They just sit there, sucking cock!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And you're just as fucking disgusting.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49You're too fucking weak to...don't you dare turn your back on me.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Jonathan! I'm so angry I could fucking kill you!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It's not on!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56< What's happened, Gina?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Those cock-suckers upstairs.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Calm down, come on. - They're such cock-suckers!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01< What's going on?!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He's not answering!
0:10:03 > 0:10:04- Come inside. - I don't know what to do.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06< Were you talking to that whore downstairs?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08No. Of course not.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10< You better not be lying to me, Jonathan!
0:10:10 > 0:10:11I'm not lying.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Setting the fire alarm off at this time of the day.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Come in and I'll do you a coffee.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You can stick your fucking coffee up your fucking japs-eye!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Come back in and close the door.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I hate living here. I fucking hate it!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23DOOR SLAMS
0:10:26 > 0:10:29That's good. I was worried we'd upset the neighbours.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35What is wrong with me today?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Ian's posh, isn't he?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43SHE GASPS
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Careful with that. It's the world's sharpest knife.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50You're funny. My mum got it me. It cost her a tenner.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59That's one of yours.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Salt's nice, isn't it?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Steve. Salt's nice, isn't it?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09What d'you mean?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Salt. It's nice, isn't it?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Yes.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I've never really had it before.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Here we go.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- It's nice, though, isn't it? - OK. Let's start from the beginning.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24What d'you mean you've never had salt?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- My mum never used to get it. - Yes, she did.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- No, she didn't.- Yes, she did.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- No, she didn't.- Why are you lying? - I'm not.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Of course your mum got salt! What is this bollocks?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Before I met you I never used to eat it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Bullshit.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38I didn't!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41That is complete and utter fucking bullshit.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Thanks for that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Becks! I want you to try this dress on!
0:11:47 > 0:11:48You're my chief bridesmaid, baby!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Just try it on and she'll shut up.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Why would anyone want to get married?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- So, this is the hallway - Very nice.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00That's a table. They keep their stationery in it. Any loose items.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Letters. Matches. There's sometimes a mug on it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Is there?- Yeah, ask Steve.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Morning, campers. Hello.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Do you know if...is Shelly in there?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Hey, Steve, everything OK? I heard an alarm.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39I thought I-I heard an alarm. Alarm. I heard an alarm.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Hey, Steve! I heard an alarm.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Oh, sorry if I woke you up.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59No, don't worry. I've been awake since four.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Shelly here?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Sausages?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Yeah.- Excellent.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Hello, Dan.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Hello, Paul. I heard an alarm.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Laura!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20D'you want to come into the kitchen for a moment
0:13:20 > 0:13:22to talk about your grapefruit?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23No!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Now, come on, Becks. Put it on or I'll thump you.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's just not very me, though, is it, Laur?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Well, that's not very Shelly, but she doesn't mind.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35SHE GIGGLES
0:13:35 > 0:13:37And Dan, this is Ian, my biological brother.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Half-brother.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Stop saying that.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I found our mum on the internet,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45tracked this one down to his offices and we've never looked back.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Nope. We've never looked back. - Nope. We've never looked back.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49HE LAUGHS
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I stayed round his flat the other night.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55TOILET FLUSHES
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Oi, Ian. Come and have a look in the kitchen.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05No, it's just some flooding or something from the prick upstairs.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10Yeah, and it's all come down through here. Right.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Yeah, it was definitely water, but it stinks.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I can still smell it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Rick? Rick?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18HE TUTS
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Are you happy?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29What d'you mean?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Are you happy, Becks?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Are you happy with the state your life's in?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35You can tell me.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Yeah, I'm happy.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44D'you think she looks happy?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yeah.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Hmm.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Do you? Tell me if I'm poking my nose in where it's not wanted.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- No. It's fine.- Great.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58It's just...it doesn't really feel to me
0:14:58 > 0:15:00like you and Steve have any hobbies.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- I've never had any hobbies. - What about the violin?
0:15:04 > 0:15:10- I was seven.- And judo. It's such a shame you didn't keep up the judo.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I'd just...and again, tell me to mind my own business,
0:15:13 > 0:15:15but I would hate it if Steve was holding you back
0:15:15 > 0:15:19from following your dreams with the violin. Or judo.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's fine. He's not.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Good. Excellent.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27So I don't need to be worried, then.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28No.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Excellent.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Because for me, I just think if you have a god-given talent...
0:15:36 > 0:15:37It's fine, Laur.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Great.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45That's Steve's.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Oh, yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Oh, my God! I felt the baby kick.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Ian! Come feel my tummy!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54OK, Laura!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56So what are you doing tonight?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58D'you fancy a pint and a chat about Mum?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Oh. I'd love to. But I'm going for a drink with a friend.- I'll come.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03OK. Ian!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Wait!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Or...or we could go down the gym.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Sharp, isn't it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah. Really sharp.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And then tomorrow this bloke I know's organised a dog fight.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Tomorrow's really bad for me.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Well, Monday, then. D'you like swimming? Or we could go Tuesday?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Between five and six they bring out the floats.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Ian, darling!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27One minute, Laura! We're making arrangements!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Come feel my tummy. There's a good boy.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Can I have a word, Laura? OK.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, you do look funny in that, Shell.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's because it doesn't fit, d'you know what I mean?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Look at her, Ian. Look at her tits.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Can you...?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Look at them, Ian.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52That's fine. Fine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53HE EXHALES
0:16:53 > 0:16:55< I think it's maybe a little bit small for me.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57< Understatement of the year.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAURA GIGGLES, THEN SHELLY
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Thanks, Steve.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You should've seen her, Ian. She puts this dress on and I'm like,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08as I'm watching her I'm thinking, "Good luck doing that up, Shell."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And anyway she puts it on and me and Becks are standing there
0:17:11 > 0:17:14while she's got her top off.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15She's got no shame.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And she put it on and I was like,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Oh, my God, Shell, you look great in that."
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And she was like, "Do I really?" And I was like, "No! Of course not!"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26TEXT BEEPS
0:17:26 > 0:17:28That's funny, isn't it, Ian? Isn't it, though?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Yeah. Absolutely hilarious.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Have you ever felt a baby kick? - No, I haven't.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And to be perfectly honest I'm not sure it's really for me.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37- TEXT BEEPS - Of course it is.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- Not sure it is.- Touch it. Go on.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Touch her stomach.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Can you feel him in there? - Yes. Definitely.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46TEXT BEEPS
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Look at him, Shell. He's got a hard on.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I don't.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52One for the wank bank.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55You can have a little play with yourself later.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58D'you know what? I should probably be going, actually.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59No way.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Laura, could I have that word about your grapefruit, please?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Ugh. He's so banal.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08You can't go yet. I haven't shown you the bathroom.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Oh. Yes. Thank you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Come on.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Careful, Shell. Just scream if he touches you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Yeah, thanks, Laura.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21BATHROOM DOOR LOCKS
0:18:24 > 0:18:26How was work last night?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Oh, you know.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33SHE STIFLES A YAWN
0:18:33 > 0:18:36You should be in bed.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I know.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You look lovely in that.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I look disgusting.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49As if.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I found this.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59That's lovely.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Yeah. Thanks. It was in a hedge.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Very nice.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16And then, once you've quartered them and removed the pips,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20you sprinkle them with truffles and then set them in a raspberry jus.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21OK.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24So I just wanted to talk to you about me and Becky
0:19:24 > 0:19:25and the fact that we...
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Can you shut the window, Steve? I'm freezing my bollocks off.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Sorry if I was a bit...you know when we did things.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41No. Don't worry.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I don't know what to do with my hands.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Don't worry.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Put them behind your head.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57D'you want to come and see me at work tonight?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00I'd love that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08So. Laura. How are you feeling about the wedding?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10It's great news you've set a date.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Are you coming on to me?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16No. Of course not.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Because I would never do that to Becks, unless you were fit.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22OK. I'm not coming on to you. I just...
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- I'm really excited for you. - You should water that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Thanks. But it's just very exciting, isn't it, because...
0:20:29 > 0:20:32marriage is in the air, isn't it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Are you going to cut up my grapefruit?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Or am I just going to stand here like a lesbian?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47OK. So...if I married Becky.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- SHE SNORTS - That's not going to happen.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52OK, look.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I know we like to have a bit of banter between the two of us
0:20:54 > 0:20:56but let's just be serious for a minute,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and I will be talking to your dad as well, of course.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Don't ask her to marry you, Steve. She doesn't like you.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09She doesn't care about you. She doesn't love you. No-one does.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13You're a prick. You've got no job and you're going to die.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17There's nothing interesting or famous about you whatsoever.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Your parents are divorced and the best thing you could do
0:21:21 > 0:21:24would be to fuck off out of Becky's life and hang yourself.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26HE GRUNTS, SHE SCREAMS
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Don't get it on the grapefruit!
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Oh. Bloody hell.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- SHELLY WAILS - Stop over-reacting.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- The world's sharpest knife! - You've got blood on my grapefruit.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Hold it above your head.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Hold it above your head, for fuck's sake!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Come into the bathroom.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Look at it.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Look.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Put it under the tap.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I was cutting up her bloody grapefruit.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I was using the knife and it's very sharp.
0:22:17 > 0:22:23I know. It's the sharpest knife in the whole wide world.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Now give me your thumb.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I liked your text.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- SMOKE ALARM BLARES - Oh, God! That'll be the toast!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Steve. Calm down.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Think about nice things. Come on. Calm down.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- I'm dealing with it. - Turn it off at the plug, Paul.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- I'm dealing with it, Ian. - Fire! Fire!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49There's no fire, it's just the toast!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I'm inhaling the fumes, Paul.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Paul! She's inhaling the fumes. - Open the bloody window.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57What nice things are you thinking about?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Eggs.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06ALARM STOPS What about them?
0:23:06 > 0:23:11They should sell just the yolks in a carton, like 50 egg yolks
0:23:11 > 0:23:15all mixed together, so no-one has to eat the white bit.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You could have a yolk the size of an omelette.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You could dip a baguette in it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31OK? Is that better?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38How about now?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Nice bow.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Thanks. Yeah. It's pretty, isn't it?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Lovely.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I like a bow.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56No. It suits you.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Thanks.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Would you still love me
0:24:02 > 0:24:06if I wore this every day for the rest of my life?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Probably.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11COMMOTION OUTSIDE
0:24:11 > 0:24:15< Please put the knife away! It's reckless and it's bloody dangerous!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm sorry but I will not be treated in this manner any longer.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20It's completely inappropriate.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24You've brought me here and I've been the model of good behaviour
0:24:24 > 0:24:28and yet I've met with nothing but threats and crudity.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Now, I was perfectly amenable to coming here, Paul,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and to make acquaintance with you all.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35But that does not give you a carte blanche to treat me
0:24:35 > 0:24:38in the way that frankly you wouldn't even treat an animal
0:24:38 > 0:24:43and to poke me with what is by Steve's own admission a very sharp knife.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47So will you all please just...shove off?!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52THEY LAUGH
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You're such a wally, d'you know that?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Seriously, Ian. You say some funny things.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Just like Mum. It's hilarious!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Let's have some breakfast.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Come on, put some more toast on, Shell.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Ah! That does look nice on you, Becks.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Becky was saying she wants a bigger bow.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15That's such a good idea.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# Come closer, come closer and listen
0:25:22 > 0:25:26# The beat of my heart keeps on missing
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# I notice it most when were kissing
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Come on, mate. Let's get you an egg.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Thanks.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36# That's right
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# Come closer and cuddle me tight... #
0:25:40 > 0:25:42For fuck's sake.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44# My heart goes
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# When you are near
0:25:48 > 0:25:49# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# Loud in my ear
0:25:52 > 0:25:53# Pounding away, pounding away
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# Won't you be mine?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
0:25:58 > 0:26:03# It's such a lovely feeling
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# When I'm in your arms
0:26:07 > 0:26:11# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through
0:26:11 > 0:26:13# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you. #