0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Why would I want to marry you? Fucking stink!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11What's this?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Don't you dare get married before me.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17I was just wondering if I could have a word about me and Becky?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Sorry if I was a bit, you know, when we did things.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24No, don't worry.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I don't know what to do with my hands.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Don't worry.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Don't ask her to marry you, Steve. She doesn't like you.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34She doesn't care about you. She doesn't love you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35No-one does.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Would you still love me
0:00:39 > 0:00:42if I wore this every day for the rest of my life?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Probably.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Have we got any beers?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Becks! There's no beers in the fridge!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Are you speaking to me?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
0:01:22 > 0:01:24There's no beers in the fridge.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26There must be.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27My mum's just got off the bus.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Don't sit there.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31God.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33A lot of, it wasn't there?
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Yep.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38You enjoyed that, didn't you?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41You had a lovely time.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Don't talk to it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Gimme that.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48That.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Bit more?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10We've run out of beers!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Shall we talk when I've finished this, yeah?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15We've run out of beers!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Have a look in the cupboard!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19I have!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22There's no beers in the fridge or the cupboard?!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23No! We've run out!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, shit.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29There must be one in the cupboard.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Why's Barney not got us any?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35He's visiting his mum.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Wasn't there one on the shelf?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I drank it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh, I think I saw one behind the...
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Thank God for that.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55DOOR BELL RINGS
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Hopefully she'll have some with her.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Hi, Mum.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Thanks, Becky.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Mike is being a dick.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He's trashing my bloody house.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Excuse me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18What?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Yeah, well, that is bollocks, Mike, because if you did love me,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24you wouldn't be trashing my house.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Imagine loving your mum.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Shut up. I love her.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36You don't love her. You just want to fuck her.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Wow.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It's Children In Need.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I'm not watching Children In Need without a beer.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49You should use my roll-on.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We're gonna have to go Azeem's now, aren't we?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Cans are a pound each.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Anything?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I found the Marmite.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Have some of that.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04We're saving that for a special occasion.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06That.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I can't believe I'm considering drinking this.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25If you even try and make me clear that up,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I promise you I'll pull your bollocks off.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Hello, hello, hello. The door was open...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Don't come in. I smashed a glass.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's gone everywhere.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Can you chuck us our shoes?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Yep.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So, The One Show's on at seven.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Then Children In Need starts at half past.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51What time are they announcing the grand total?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I didn't mean chuck.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Sorry.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Do you reckon Darren would get us free pizzas?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Dunno. I'll call him.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08What shall we get? Couple of meat feasts?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Ow, Dan!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Sorry!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What do you think about the meat feasts?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Extra meat?- Yeah, course.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Two?- Three.- Four.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24That's two pizzas each.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26You're so boring.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Did you want anything?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Nope. No. Just...filling time.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Until...?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Dunno.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I found this.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50That's nice.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Just get out of my house or I'm calling the police.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Mike's being horrible to my mum.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10What you're saying, Mike, is sexist. Yes, it is.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13It's the most sexist thing I've ever heard.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Because you're treating me... You are treating me
0:06:17 > 0:06:20like a piece of meat and I am not.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I am not a piece of meat.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Mike?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Trust me, Mike.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It was in your coat.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34What were you looking there for?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Just... Trust me. - Money.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Nice.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I will say what I want. This is a free country, Mike.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44My Uncle Pierce, he fought in the war,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47so you could... Oh, here we go again.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53For God's sake, I haven't changed my hair.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'm gonna apply for a job.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Yeah? What as?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Do you remember what I said to you at the bingo?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Dunno.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Right.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Do you remember what I said to you at the bingo?!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13At the bingo! When we won the waffle-maker.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I need a poo.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22OK. Are you gonna do one?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24No, not yet.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I'm gonna leave it to the last minute so it's nicer.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Yeah. I do that.- Yeah.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Saves you having to push.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Yeah. I like the feeling when it slips out.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Steve's not interested, Mike.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- This morning, I filmed...- Too far.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yep.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He's coming over.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Hey.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Don't worry, OK? I'm not gonna let him hurt you.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I can't let him in, Steve.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I won't let him in. I'll block the door.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57He's not going to get past me.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00He's just saying all these bad things about me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02New telly.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It's Laura's. They had it delivered here.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Pardon?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07They had it delivered.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Oh, right.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Children In Need's on tonight.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17I've met Wogan.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I'm gonna go in there.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Cool.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I'm sure it'll blow over. He's just feeling down at the moment.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28He's probably got problems at work. The thing is, you know, he's saying all these bad things,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30like people do, but he's just being Mike.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32He's just being emotional.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I should probably open a window.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Shall I open it?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Nah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Can I get you an ashtray?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00No. You're all right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Yeah. With extra meat.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Extra meat.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17No, I've got three bars. It's you, Darren. We want extra meat.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20We've been through this, Mike.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We've been through this.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30He's doing my bloody head in.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Yeah, extra meat.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37You know you shouldn't be on the phone when you're driving.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Don't sit there.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Mike!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'll text you. I'll text you.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Are you done?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Yeah.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12You can keep it.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Thanks.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18DOOR BELL RINGS
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Dan stuck his finger in the Marmite.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, I see.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41What did you think I meant?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43You don't wanna know.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46DOOR BELL RINGS
0:10:54 > 0:10:56All right?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Hey, Steve.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Becks. Oh, love the hair.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Dan.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Paul. Give 'em a kiss.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Start with Steve.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Hello.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Hi.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Both cheeks.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I'm actually all right, thanks.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28He's got to learn, Becks.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30He never kisses anyone when he meets them.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Seriously, don't worry about it. - Both cheeks.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Don't.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, Becks. You're so frigid.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Erm... Are those yours to open?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Mr DF Perkins. Have you ever heard of a Mr DF Perkins
0:11:46 > 0:11:48living round here?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56You're so banal.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Where's your mum?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Mike, this is my flat. You're not coming in here.- Fuck off.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Show me your other phone! - Mike! Get out! I mean it!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Give me your phone.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I don't know what you mean.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Scary.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08You know exactly what I mean.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Shut up.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh, my God, Paul. Look at our telly!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's big, isn't it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14It is big.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Just give me it!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18It cost us £2,000. I should hope it's big.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It cost us what?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Hey, Janet. Gimme your cheek.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yes. Hello.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Janet.- Paul.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- All right?- Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Mike, don't be such a grumpy guts. Gimme your cheek.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Erm. Dan?- Yeah?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- You OK?- Yeah.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Good.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44You using our loo?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Steve! Tell him!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah. I'm coming! Dan...
0:12:49 > 0:12:50I'll flush it.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- I know you will.- OK.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You only live up there.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55It's coming out.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Come on, mate.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Fuck off, the lot of you.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Oh, Mike.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Right, this is the one.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Tell him, Steve. There's nothing on it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Well, why have you got two phones then? Why do you need two phones?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16ENGINE RUMBLES OUTSIDE
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Bollocks.- Mike!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39It's my old phone, Mike. There's nothing on it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Come on, Mike.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Sent Monday at 11.17pm -
0:13:43 > 0:13:46when she told me she was on her way home from Jenny's.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Jenny's got a new number. I haven't saved it yet.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Look, this is all just a big misunderstanding.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Why don't you pop to Azeem's, get us a few beers...- It's locked!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Press unlock. Then the star key.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I'll do it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Men...!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Press unlock. Then the star key.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09OK, Paul. I don't need your help.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Now. How does one unlock a Nokia?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Press unlock, then the star key!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17For fuck's sake.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19All right. Keep your hair on.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Sent Monday at 11.17pm.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Mike...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"Thanks for a fun night. It's like we're both teenagers."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- She's clearly texting Jenny. This is ridiculous.- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"It was great to see you. I haven't had a night like that in ages."
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Come on, Mike. It's Children In Need.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- He's being silly, isn't he? - So silly.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39"Next time, if you're good, I'll let you put it in my mouth."
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Come on, that's clearly...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49That's clearly...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Mum!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58We were toasting marshmallows.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Bollocks!- Mike.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04We were toasting marshmallows and Jenny wanted to feed me one
0:15:04 > 0:15:07and I wouldn't let her because she hadn't been good.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09That's such bollocks!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Mike, please.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15So I simply said to her, next time, if she's good, I'll let her
0:15:15 > 0:15:20put it - the marshmallow - I'll let her put it in my mouth.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Now what's wrong with that?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Right. Fine. I'll read you another one.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26No. I don't think we need to hear any more.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29To be honest, Mike, in Janet's defence,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I wouldn't let someone feed me a marshmallow.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34She wasn't eating a fucking marshmallow!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35OK, Laura...
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- I like to eat at my own pace, don't I, Paul?- Yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41It's because I'm pregnant.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I don't even like marshmallows. I really don't.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Crazy, I know, but I think it's the texture. They're so springy.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm the same with flumps. Now don't get me wrong.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I could eat cola bottles till they come out of my nose
0:15:53 > 0:15:55and sometimes they do. But would I eat a marshmallow?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58No. And would I eat a flump? No, I wouldn't.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Though I do like nougat.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I like those giant snakes...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05For fuck's sake! Can't you all just fuck off?
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Mike. I was round Jenny's. We were toasting marshmallows.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Now there is no need for that language.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Can I get anyone a nice glass of Advocaat?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Ooh. Yeah. I'll have one.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Mum?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38No, I'll have this.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Laura?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Do you have any plum juice?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47No.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49You don't have any plum juice?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50No.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Incredible.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Have you ever had plum juice, Janet?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- No.- Becks?- Really?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00PHONE RINGS
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Did you give anyone our number?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15No. What is our number?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Dunno.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Are you going to answer it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33DOOR BELL RINGS
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Pizzas!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Hello, Shelly.- All right?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Hi, guys. Thanks for this.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Laura's been so good with him but I think he's getting a bit,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51you know. Laura's Laura, isn't she, which is great
0:17:51 > 0:17:56but she can be a bit... Well, I don't want to say anything
0:17:56 > 0:18:00because she's been so good actually helping with Kieran
0:18:00 > 0:18:03but it's so nice of you to give her a break
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and I know Kieran's excited, aren't you?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Yeah. I've got his toothbrush in there and his DS,
0:18:09 > 0:18:14and he's got swimming in the morning so make sure he takes this with him.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18It starts at eight but he likes to get there for 7.30.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- Does he?- Yeah.- Fantastic.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25And you might need to help him with his costume, Becky, if that's OK.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What do you mean?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31And he might wet the bed a little bit tonight but he's got his pyjamas
0:18:31 > 0:18:33so it shouldn't leak.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Laura said she'd spoken to you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Erm...
0:18:38 > 0:18:41By the way, Becka, Shelly's going to... Oh, good.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52So is it OK if he stays?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53- Um...- Um...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I got you these.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- Yeah, he's more than welcome, isn't he?- Yeah. Definitely.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Thanks. Just stick him on the sofa. He won't mind. Will you?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07You'll be all right on the sofa
0:19:07 > 0:19:09while Mummy goes to work, won't you? Eh?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Thanks.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Do you mind if he uses your loo?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21No, of course not. Dan, you going to hurry up in there?!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Yeah!- Kieran needs the loo!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25OK!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27You all right, Dan?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Yep.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Ah. Don't worry at all.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- Yeah. It'll be really nice to have him.- Thanks.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Children In Need's on tonight.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I know. I was talking to someone about it on the bus.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Were you?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Right, Mike. Me and Janet have talked it through
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and we think you're being a fucking twat.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Thanks, Steve.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01We were toasting marshmallows, Mike. I swear on Steve's life.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05How's my favourite little page boy?
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Have you brought his special pyjamas?- Yeah.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Stick him in a bin bag, just to be safe.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13We're gonna get the Advocaat.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Lovely. And I'll take one of them for my Paul. Thank you.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22How are we doing in here? Everything OK?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Hey, baby! I got your nose!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Oh, my goodness, Kieran. What's that?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33SHE LAUGHS
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'm so good with kids.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42The truth is, Mike,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I just don't like people putting marshmallows in my mouth.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I know you don't. I know.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And she was cooking it on a fire. Imagine how hot it was.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I bet it was really hot.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58It was. Then she starts shoving it in my face.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I don't know what came over her.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03She was just shoving the bloody marshmallow in my face.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Well, yeah. That would annoy me, if I'm honest.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Exactly.- Exactly.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You swear on Steve's life that's what happened?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I swear on Steve's life. Just trust me.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26OK.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Good. Now we got pizzas coming, Children In Need's on,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32so why don't you pop down Azeem's, get us a few beers
0:21:32 > 0:21:35and we can have a nice little celebration?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Becks! Can you help us with the telly?!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51OK!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Do you know how much it cost, Becks?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yeah, I heard.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I'm sorry you're stuck with Kieran.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00He's so weak. Do you know what I mean? Like, physically weak.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03But also, mentally, just so weak.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh. Hello.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Hi.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Dan, this is Kieran. Kieran, this is Mummy's friend, Dan.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- Hello.- Hi!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I tell you what.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32If this Jenny starts trying to feed me with marshmallows,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'll knock her fucking teeth out.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It's all been sorted now so shall we stop talking about it?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I wasn't talking about it.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44You haven't been answering my calls.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48We got robbed at work and they took my phone.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Oh, bloody hell.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Don't. Laura's in there.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Did you tell the police?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Hello.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Hello.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Do you wanna see a magic trick?
0:23:08 > 0:23:09OK.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Abracadabra.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You can have that.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Thanks.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Children In Need's on tonight.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I know.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Do you wanna come round after work and watch it on iPlayer?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I need to pick Kieran up from swimming and then...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Shelly! Are you two going to help or are you going to stand there
0:23:41 > 0:23:42like a pair of paedos?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, yes. Sorry, Laura.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50DOOR BELL RINGS
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Right, let's set you up in here then.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54OK. That's it, good boy.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Put this up.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04OK? Mummy's got to head off now.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Shelly!- Coming!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Me and Graham lift shit twice as heavy as this on a daily basis.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13DOOR BELL RINGS
0:24:13 > 0:24:14You and Dan take one end.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Can we just take this home, please?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18We're going to miss the start of Children In Need.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20You all right, Steve? I've got your pizzas.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Lovely. Thanks, mate. How much do we owe you?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Just call it a fiver.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Here you are. Thanks, mate.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Thanks, Darren.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Paul's here. Do you wanna say hello?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I'd better not. My bike's down there.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- No worries. See you later. - Yeah. See you.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Ooh! Bloody hell! What happened to your neck?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Oh, yeah. One of the perks of the job, isn't it?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Is it?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46What do you mean?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I've got this MILF I deliver to. She's fucking nuts.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52She keeps texting me this filth about fucking her in the...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Oh...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I'd better be off actually.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Erm...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13You fucking liar!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Don't swear at me, Mike!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16You total fucking liar!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I will not have you speaking to me in this manner. It's just rude.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22That Janet, I know she doesn't look like much
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- but she gives the most amazing... - She's my mum.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Awkward!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I'll go open the boot.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, by the way, Becks, little tip.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43If Kieran has a nightmare, film it. It's hilarious.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45He sounds like he's dying. Doesn't he, Shell?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Yeah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Sorry, it's really heavy.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Well, help him, Shell. Don't be a knob.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Thanks.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59You said she was an eight.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- I said seven or an eight. - You said eight.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Well, you should see her with her top off.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Ah. Jesus.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- So is she good in bed then, Darren? - Yeah. She's a nutcase.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- What does she do? - Everything. Anything.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Bloody hell!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14She's got this cupboard in her house...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Oh, my God.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Your mum...is shagging Darren!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I think that is going to go down
0:26:27 > 0:26:30as the worst moment of my entire life.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Oh, for God's sake.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42What?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The top one's vegetarian.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46There must be some meat on it.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50TOILET FLUSHES
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Oh, this is the fucking pits.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02You OK?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04There was no toilet roll.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Thanks.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Your mum had to go. She said say goodbye, didn't she?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Yeah. But she's really excited about seeing you tomorrow.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Do you like pizza?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Hey! Come on!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43There's no need for that! Come on, big man!
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Your mum'll be back tomorrow to pick you up from swimming.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50And in the meantime, we've got loads and loads and loads of pizzas.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52All the pizza you can eat.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54We'll watch telly and you can have as much of it as you want.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Imagine that!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And then, we'll play a really, really, really fun tidying up game
0:27:59 > 0:28:01in the kitchen where we get to pick up bits of glass!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05OK?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Good.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Now Children In Need's about to start.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Let's go and eat some pizza!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27We'll give him the vegetarian one.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# Boom bang-a-bang, when you are near
0:28:33 > 0:28:35# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# Loud in my ear
0:28:37 > 0:28:39# Pounding away, pounding away
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# Won't you be mine?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# It's such a lovely feeling
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# When I'm in your arms
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# Don't go away, I wanna stay
0:28:55 > 0:28:57# My whole life through
0:28:57 > 0:28:58# Boom bang-a-bang-bang
0:28:58 > 0:29:00# Close to you. #