0:00:03 > 0:00:05I'm getting married! Yeah! Take one of my face.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07We've got loads of your face. Shall we get one with your dad?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Take one of my face or I'll cry. OK.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12This is Lee. He used to go out with Becky.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13We were together four and a half years.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15So, Laura's just told me.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16She said you were pregnant.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19But I'm not supposed to tell Steve - is that right?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Just want you to know I'm here for you, Becks.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23It's got nothing to do with you.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Hi. I'll leave you to it.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27What did he want? Nothing.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30You have both made the declarations required by law
0:00:30 > 0:00:33and have made a solemn and binding contract
0:00:33 > 0:00:34with each other in the presence
0:00:34 > 0:00:37of your witnesses and guests.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...
0:00:41 > 0:00:44husband and wife.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:56This programme contains strong language
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Is this on? Yep.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Ha-ha. Right, then.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Paul and Laura's wedding!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I'm Lee. I'm your Master of Ceremonies for this afternoon.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And do we have some speakers for you!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19CHEERING All right. Calm down!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Erm... We'll start off in a minute with everyone's favourite
0:01:22 > 0:01:25old-age pensioner, Laura's dad, Nigel.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Watch it.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34And then we'll hear from the groom himself, Mr Paul Parker.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35CHEERING
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And then last and by all means least...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44the best man's speech from Steve.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:51But first, Laura's prepared a little something she'd like to kick things off with.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Laura...
0:01:55 > 0:01:56SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:01:59 > 0:02:01CAMERAS CLICKING
0:02:03 > 0:02:08SHE SINGS WEAKLY: # Amazing grace
0:02:08 > 0:02:14# How sweet the sound
0:02:14 > 0:02:22# That saved a wretch like me
0:02:24 > 0:02:30# I once was lost
0:02:30 > 0:02:35# But now I'm found
0:02:35 > 0:02:43# Was blind but now I see. #
0:02:47 > 0:02:50CHEERING
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Let's hear it for the lovely Laura.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Well done. Shut up.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Now please put your hands together and make some noise for...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08the father of the bride, Nigel!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10CHEERING
0:03:24 > 0:03:26HE CLEARS THROAT Hello, can you hear me?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28DISTORTION FEEDBACK ALL: Yes!
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Is that better? ALL: Yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Hello, I'm Nigel and I'm the father of the bride.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35WOLF WHISTLE
0:03:35 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Welcome to the wedding of Laura and Paul -
0:03:43 > 0:03:46whether you're friends, family or freeloaders -
0:03:46 > 0:03:49loved ones or loathed ones...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52people we like or people we had to invite.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Whether you're here for a free meal and a free drink,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58people who wouldn't have missed this special day for the world
0:03:58 > 0:04:01or people who had nothing better to do. LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Whether you've brought a present... or not -
0:04:05 > 0:04:06you're all welcome.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07HE WHOOPS
0:04:07 > 0:04:09HE LAUGHS
0:04:09 > 0:04:10But joking aside,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I know some of you have come a long way to be with us today.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15We have the Clarkes here, Jill's cousin and her family,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17who've come from Nottingham. Where are you?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Give us a wave!
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Over here.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28And we have Richard and Mary, old, old friends from way back,
0:04:28 > 0:04:29who've come all the way from Worcester.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Where are you?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34There you are. Hello.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41And, of course, we have our Lee, Lee Roberts, who you've all met.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Lee used to go out with Becky, didn't he?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Yep.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48And he's just got back from Afghanistan,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50where he was supporting our troops.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Lee, stand up, mate, so we can all see you.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56CHEERING
0:05:00 > 0:05:02We're all so proud of you, mate.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Thank God you're better at being a TA than you are at ten-pin bowling.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08That's below the belt!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:12But seriously...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16thank you all for making the journey to be here with us today.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21So now, uh...
0:05:23 > 0:05:28I'm now going to tell you a bit about my daughter, Laura.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Laura was a lovely baby.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I remember she started screaming as soon as she came out of Jill's womb...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER ..and from what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39she hasn't stopped screaming since!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:46She was always alert as a baby, always looking around her,
0:05:46 > 0:05:51always reaching out for something to play with or suck on - and from
0:05:51 > 0:05:53what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55she still does.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER, SOME GROANS
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I remember the doctors were very worried about her when she was born.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06She was very ill and I watched as they took her temperature
0:06:06 > 0:06:09with a thermometer, first in the mouth and then in the anus.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And from what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Laura was a truly wonderful child.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I remember watching her lying there, naked, dribbling and crying
0:06:23 > 0:06:27I think you should stop drinking. I think you should fuck off and die.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30..vomit down her front, her legs in the air, waiting for someone
0:06:30 > 0:06:32to pick her up - and that was just her 18th birthday party!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:39But joking aside, Laura's a great daughter.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42You're never bored when Laura's around.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45She lights up every room she enters.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48She knows how to have fun and boy does she have it.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50She's a high achiever.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53She's got five As, three Bs and a C at GCSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:55and an A and two Bs at A-Level - they're the best
0:06:55 > 0:06:59results our family has ever seen and we're all very proud of her indeed.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08She gained a place at Loughborough University to study psychology
0:07:08 > 0:07:11but, having just met her Paul, she chose instead to stay at home
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and concentrated on her singing career.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18She's a prolific diary-keeper. She passed her driving test first time.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22She had a letter read out on Points Of View
0:07:22 > 0:07:24when she was just eight years old.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26MURMURING
0:07:26 > 0:07:27And she sang in the chorus for her school
0:07:27 > 0:07:30production of Little Shop Of Horrors.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34But her most important role is as a mother to Bernadette,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36and what an excellent mother she is.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I think we can all agree Laura looks gorgeous today,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49as she does every day because she takes after her father.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51You wish!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Now, then. Paul...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01How do you solve a problem like Paul?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It's like that TV show - "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" Yes, it is, isn't it?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Like most girls these days, Laura has been through all different
0:08:09 > 0:08:14types of men, young and not so young, all shapes and sizes,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17all colours of the rainbow - there was a black lad, there was a brown lad,
0:08:17 > 0:08:22there was a yellow lad, there was a couple of Jews, a fella in a turban.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26She's kissed many a frog, but in Paul she's found her prince.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27GUESTS: Aww.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Paul's a good, honest man with a heart of gold
0:08:32 > 0:08:34and a wicked sense of humour.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37And I think we could all see during the ceremony just how
0:08:37 > 0:08:39much our Laura means to Paul.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40ALL: Aww!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It is at this point in a father- of-the-bride speech that
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I am expected to offer some advice to the newlyweds.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I mean, what kind of advice can I give?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Look at the state of my marriage!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Dad...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59No, I'm only joking.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Jill's a great woman who's still got a great figure.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Or she does once you get the cobwebs off it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08She's actually had to go back to bed cos she had quite a lot
0:09:08 > 0:09:11to drink last night, didn't she!?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12So...
0:09:12 > 0:09:13HE CLEARS THROAT
0:09:13 > 0:09:17..Paul and Laura, I'll give you this piece of advice
0:09:17 > 0:09:19that my father gave to me.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20This'll be good.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22When you're going out in the evening,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26tell her that you'll be back an hour later than you plan to be.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Then, when you're back at the time you were going to be back at anyway,
0:09:29 > 0:09:34she'll think you've come back an hour early just to be with her.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36That way, you're happy, she's happy...
0:09:38 > 0:09:39..and she'll be more inclined
0:09:39 > 0:09:42to do things for you, both sexually and non-sexually.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49EMBARRASSED COUGHS
0:09:52 > 0:09:53SHE MOUTHS
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Today is a day that will stay with me forever.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Your dad's a legend. Yeah... I'll never forget walking my lovely Laura up the aisle. Amazing.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I'll never forget this wonderful meal we've had today
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and the joy of having everyone together.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But most of all, I'll never forget how much it cost.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Though I should say, most of the cost of today has been
0:10:15 > 0:10:18paid for by Laura and Paul - or, should I say, by their plastic
0:10:18 > 0:10:23friends Mr Barclaycard, Mr Capital One, Mr Amex and Mr Virgin Money.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:33So, all's that left for me to say is - one down, one to go.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Worse things have happened to me than my daughter getting
0:10:38 > 0:10:42engaged to Steve - though I can't think of any right now.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:46He's doing the best man's speech so that'll be interesting.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I think we're all looking forward to that!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:57But anyway...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Without further ado, would you all please charge your glasses
0:11:00 > 0:11:05and be upstanding, for a toast to the happy couple -
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Mr and Mrs Parker!
0:11:10 > 0:11:11ALL: Mr and Mrs Parker!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18APPLAUSE
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Thank you, Nigel! Great speech.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And, just a point of order - last time we went bowling,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I got a strike on every go, so have that, old-timer!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER OK, so not long now till that much-anticipated
0:11:37 > 0:11:39speech from the best man, Steve.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42But before that, next up we have a speech from the man himself,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45it's the groom, everyone's favourite stationery salesman,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48the one and only, Mr Paul Parker!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51CHEERING
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Don't fuck it up, you perv. You're a bald, fucking cocksucker.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Paul-o!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03HE WHISPERS: This'll be interesting.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05On behalf of my wife and I...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07CHEERING
0:12:09 > 0:12:12On behalf of my wife and I...
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Excuse me.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18..I'd like to thank you all for coming.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22It's been a very wonderful occasion and Laura and I feel very
0:12:22 > 0:12:26fortunate to see so many familiar faces on this, our special day.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30QUIET APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:33On behalf of Laura and I, I'd like to thank you all for coming.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I know some of you have come a long way - Laura's mum's cousin
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and her family have come all the way from Nottingham.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45We've got some people from Worcester.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50And Lee's come from Afghanistan.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Thank you for coming -
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I hope you're all enjoying the day as much as we are.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I'd like to thank you all for coming and for your generous gifts.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I can assure you we will cherish them
0:13:07 > 0:13:09in our hearts for years to come.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12On behalf of Laura and I, I'd like to thank Kieran
0:13:12 > 0:13:16and my little Lukey for being the ring bearer and the pageboy.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Where are they?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20They're with Shelly. I think they had one too many sweets...!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:30I'd like to thank Laura's Auntie Sue for making the delicious cake.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38It truly is a mouth-watering cake
0:13:38 > 0:13:42and we really couldn't have hoped for anything more.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Do we have a present for her?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45You know we fucking do.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46GUESTS: Ooh!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:52We haven't been married five minutes and she's already bossing me about!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Just give her the fucking present.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Sue, if you'd like to come forward, we've got you a present.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Give your wife a kiss, Paul.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Ohhh! Wow.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29It's impossible to thank everyone but you know who you are.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Show my mum. Is it Laura? You're all a part of this, our special day.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48When you fall in love with someone,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51it's like your heart has been set on fire.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56You get all hot and you say weird stuff and you do these mad things.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59It's like you've discovered this side of yourself that you can
0:14:59 > 0:15:03only see because you've been lit by the light of love.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Love is like a delicious cake.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You try a bit of the icing and it's nice,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19so you cut yourself a slice and have a bite and it's even nicer, and you
0:15:19 > 0:15:23end up eating the whole thing and licking the cream off your fingers.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Being in love is like giving the keys of your car to some
0:15:28 > 0:15:31drunk person and letting him drive you round.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Trying to fall out of love with someone is like trying to
0:15:35 > 0:15:37change the colour of your skin.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40It hurts.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And if it doesn't hurt, it isn't love.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53HE SNIFFS
0:16:01 > 0:16:04WOODENLY: So I'd like to thank Laura for organising the day.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's been great.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08The dress is great and you look great in it
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and you're a great mum to Bernadette.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I'd like to thank my adoptive parents, John and Anne.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28SHE SIGHS
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Unfortunately, they're unable to be with us today
0:16:30 > 0:16:34because they're visiting their biological son in Australia.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Thank you for everything you've done for me.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41You've always been there to look after me
0:16:41 > 0:16:44through the hard times, like when Nan died,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47or when I was accused of murder or when Luke was ill.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52I owe you everything and I'm very sorry for trashing your house.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I'd also like to thank my biological brother, Ian...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Half-brother.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59And my biological mother, Judith.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05Unfortunately, she also couldn't make it today
0:17:05 > 0:17:07because she had an emergency, didn't she?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Yes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I'd like to thank my beautiful daughter, Bernadette.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19You're a little bundle of joy.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and when you smile you make the whole world smile with you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And without further ado, I'd like to propose a toast.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31To my fantastic wife, Laura.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39ALL: Laura!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Thank you, Paul!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Absolutely incredible, I think we can all agree.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Was that about him? So now it's time for the one we've all been waiting for.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13It was, wasn't it? It was all about him. I met Steve for the first time today and if you've not met him yet,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I can tell you, it's an experience.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Answer me, you fucking faggot!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22This is the man who proposed to Becky in his flat
0:18:22 > 0:18:26and served his future in-laws a dish called spaghetti nuggets.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best man - Steve!
0:18:33 > 0:18:34CHEERING
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I'm going to tell everyone you're a faggot.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Don't you fucking dare. Don't fucking threaten me.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Ladies...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Ladies, gentlemen...and Paul.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Friends, family... and those just here for a free feed.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01For those of you who don't know me...lucky you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06I'm Steve, the best man, and I have the dubious pleasure of being
0:19:06 > 0:19:08engaged to Laura's sister, Rebecca.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Now.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17They say a best man's speech should be short and make you laugh -
0:19:17 > 0:19:18which, by coincidence,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22is exactly how Laura describes a certain part of Paul's body.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:29No, I'm joking. As anyone who knows Paul knows, it's gigantic.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:34So, yes...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36If there's something we can all agree on,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38it's that Paul is well-endowed.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43In fact, Paul's member is so big that when there was a hosepipe ban,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Paul got arrested for doing a wee.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:51As I'm sure you can tell, this speech is going to be
0:19:51 > 0:19:53so funny your jaws will ache from laughing -
0:19:53 > 0:19:57unlike poor old Laura tonight, because having such
0:19:57 > 0:20:01a well-endowed husband, her jaw will ache from something else entirely.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06ISOLATED LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Maybe that was a bit blue. Sorry.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Anyway, all the wedding websites say "don't forget to say how
0:20:18 > 0:20:21"beautiful the bride looks." And how could I forget
0:20:21 > 0:20:24when she looks as fabulous as Laura does today?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27A round of applause for how great Laura looks.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28WHOOPING
0:20:33 > 0:20:36You look really beautiful, Laura, I must say - it just makes all us
0:20:36 > 0:20:39blokes wonder how someone who looks like Paul managed to get so lucky.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER
0:20:41 > 0:20:45But seriously, it's been a great day. Thank you all for coming.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You've all made Laura and Paul's day as special as the school Paul
0:20:48 > 0:20:51got sent to when he torched his teacher's car.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53ISOLATED LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:58So let me be the first to say
0:20:58 > 0:21:02congratulations to you both on your... On your wedding. Erm...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Thanks.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08OK.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12From the ushers, who managed to turn up sober - for once!
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I said to Keith that I wanted him to come to the wedding as an usher.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Unfortunately, he misheard me this morning
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and he turned up as the singer Usher.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Luckily we had a spare suit and he got changed into what he's wearing now.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31That never happened. It's a joke, Keith.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Of course I didn't turn up as fucking Usher!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I think that's rather the crux of the joke.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Thanks also to the bridesmaids,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46including my beautiful fiancee, Rebecca, who doesn't
0:21:46 > 0:21:49normally wear make-up. In fact, I haven't seen her with
0:21:49 > 0:21:52this much gunk on her face since...
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Hm.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Erm...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Are you all right with that?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07OK. Don't worry.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10This is going to get better now because now we move on to the stag do...!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Unfortunately, I did organise the stag do...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17If you've sucked someone off on the stag do I will never forgive you.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20..but I was unable to attend myself because of a sudden illness but I...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Shall we pop outside?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Yep. This is completely inappropriate.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Unfortunately, I did organise the stag do
0:22:36 > 0:22:41but I was unable to attend myself, because of a sudden illness.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43But I managed to get some information off of Paul's
0:22:43 > 0:22:45half-brother, Ian.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48What did you tell him? Nothing.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I won't go into the details
0:22:50 > 0:22:53but here are some of Paul's stag highlights - courtesy of Ian.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58They wrapped Paul in cling film and tied him to a lamp post
0:22:58 > 0:23:01and left him there all night.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04They spiked Paul's drinks with laxatives.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07After paintballing, a few of them ended up in A
0:23:07 > 0:23:12where one of the stag party, who shall remain nameless...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Keith,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17got into a fight with a guy in a wheelchair.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20He was annoying me.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28They made some children cry.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32They broke into a dentist's in the middle of the night.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34They killed a dog.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37And...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42..they hired a...a fat stripper.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Ha. That all seemed funnier on paper.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I thought you said you went to a railway museum.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Like you went to a fucking wildlife sanctuary.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Erm. Right, so that's the stag do.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Er, um...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I just put some thoughts in an e-mail. I didn't expect him to use them.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09So. OK. You'll like this bit.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Paul is known to his friends by many different names -
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Faggot.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14What?!
0:24:16 > 0:24:23He's known as Dopey, Nailer, The Baguette, Parky, Baldy, Mr Ugly...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Mr Ugly?
0:24:25 > 0:24:31Yep. The Creep. The Tripod. Uncle Fester. Mr Dick. The Forehead.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34What do you mean, "Mr Ugly"?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Alfred...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Sloth from the Goonies and The Granny-Guzzler.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Who calls me Mr Ugly?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Now, anyone who knows Paul knows he works in Ryman's.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Can we get a cheer from the Ryman's gang?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51MUTED APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:56But other jobs you may not know Paul's had include...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59barman, park supervisor, rent boy and bin man.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02If you've given me AIDS, I'm going to fucking kill you.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Only one of those is a joke. Paul's never worked in a park.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I'm going to ruin you!
0:25:06 > 0:25:07PAUL LAUGHS
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Laura, be a bit quieter yeah? I am being quiet, Becks.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Carry on, Steve. OK.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19My fiancee, Rebecca, tells me that the first time Paul and Laura made love...
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Not that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Right.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30But seriously, Paul is a great bloke.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I'm going to stand up
0:25:32 > 0:25:35and I'm going to tell everyone what you've done with that faggot
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and you'll never be allowed to see Luke alone and they'll sack
0:25:38 > 0:25:44you from Ryman's and your biological mother will abandon you again
0:25:44 > 0:25:51because you're a gay, little AIDS-y fuck and you disgust me.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Yeah? Well what's everyone going to think about you for marrying me?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56...or, for that matter, her mum's brains!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59LAURA SOBS
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Leave her. She'll be all right.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08MURMURING
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Shall I wait for her to come back? No, Steve.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Just cut to the end, mate.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Well, that's it from me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Thank you for having me as your best man, Paul.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I hope I've passed the audition and maybe you'll have me
0:26:34 > 0:26:36as best man at your next wedding.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Sorry about all this... I'm not actually...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52very used to public speaking, so...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You could've fooled me!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:00APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:05CHATTERING
0:27:05 > 0:27:10In conclusion, then, a wedding is a time of great happiness,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12when two people who love each other come together to
0:27:12 > 0:27:15tell the world that they do.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I know myself, because last year I proposed to my Rebecca
0:27:17 > 0:27:22and nothing makes me happier than the thought of marrying her.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27Joking aside, that's why today is so important - not just because...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I think they've had enough, mate.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32CHATTERING
0:27:32 > 0:27:33OK?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40If you'd all, please, charge your glasses and be upstanding
0:27:40 > 0:27:42and raise a toast to...
0:27:42 > 0:27:43the bride and groom.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48ALL: The bride and groom!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Well, thanks for that, Steve.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54A truly unforgettable speech, I think we can all agree.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57All that's left for me to do is to say there'll be teas
0:27:57 > 0:28:01and coffees coming round soon, then please stick around for the cutting of the cake, then
0:28:01 > 0:28:04they'll move the tables back and we'll have the first dance... Sit down.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07..and I want to see you strutting your stuff in the disco.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Oh, and don't forget the firework display later on tonight. Enjoy.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13MUSIC BEGINS
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Hey was that all right? Yeah. Well done. Great. Good job.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Well, that was an experience, wasn't it?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I've never seen anything like it. He was very nervous.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Yeah, but some of the stuff he said, Becks. He got it off the internet.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28lots of people use those websites so he thought it'd be OK.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Well done, mate.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant,
0:28:35 > 0:28:36and there's nothing you can do about it.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Calm down, mate, come on. Laura's fucked - she said
0:28:39 > 0:28:41if I choose Graham, I'll never see Bernadette again.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Ooh, what a pickle. Becky's keeping a secret from you.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47And she's told Lee because she loves him.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49You all right?
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Not really.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Get in the cubicle and do it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Don't be silly Laura. Becks...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Come on. Just a hand-job. OK, careful...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58You can close your eyes and imagine I'm her.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Oh, my God. What's Becky going to tell me?
0:29:08 > 0:29:12# Your smile is so warm and inviting
0:29:12 > 0:29:14# The thought of your kiss
0:29:14 > 0:29:16is exciting... #
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd