0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Have I the right to hold you?
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# You know I've always told you
0:00:07 > 0:00:13# I've loved you from the very start
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Come right back
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# I just can't bear it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# I've got this love and I long to share it
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# Come right back
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Right back where you belong
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Oh, yeah
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# You belong. #
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Wendy, please sit down. You're making me nervous.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- I'm sorry. I know I'm a nuisance. - You're not a nuisance.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- A liability.- You're not.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- A bore.- Well, if you go on thinking you are...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43You see?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Wendy, sit down, please. That's all I'm asking.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Never used to be boring.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51I used to be outgoing and fun.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Friends. Whatever happened to them? They used to remark on it.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58"You're so much fun, Wendy. You're so life-enhancing."
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Are you eating properly? You look as if you've lost some weight.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I'm getting fat. It's all the worry.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08I constantly have to eat comforting, high-calorie junk food.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"You're so vivacious, Wendy," they used to say.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Well, you are vivacious.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Yes, but in the wrong way.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Oh, and I dreamt I killed Roger.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Oh, dear.- Last night. And I didn't just kill him.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I did unspeakable things to him first.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, my goodness.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Yeah, with chainsaws and corkscrews and baths of acid and...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Eee-eee-eee-eee!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You know, like in that film by... by Hancock.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Hitchcock. That must have been extremely unpleasant for you.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39- Not really.- No?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40- Not at all.- Ah.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You see, that's what worries me.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Inch by inch, he's turning me into a pathologically violent killer.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It was only a dream.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49A very vivid dream.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I don't want to be a murderer.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Well, no.- A fat murderer.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And I certainly don't want to be punished for doing away with Roger,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- however lenient the sentence. - Wendy...- Yes?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00What did you come to see me about?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Roger's in arrears with the mortgage! I just...
0:02:04 > 0:02:05EDITH SIGHS
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Should that thing be off the leash?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- What?- I don't want to get snapped at.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35You won't be.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37You seem very confident.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I am.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41He's dead.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Dead? Are you sure? - Well, of course I'm bloody sure!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Sorry. Sorry.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I wouldn't be wrong about that, would I?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49No, I'm sorry. Sorry.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51He died on Saturday.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Heart attack.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Very sorry.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It's all right. You don't have to say anything.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- I know you don't mean it. - No, I do, I do really.- Really?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Really, yes, uh...
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Every dog's death diminishes me.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Excuse me?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Well, my wife, Celia, she died eight years ago, you know,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17so I know what it's like. It's not easy.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19This is one of your bad-taste jokes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21No, no, certainly not.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Are you seriously suggesting there's
0:03:23 > 0:03:25an equivalence between your late wife and Wellington?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Wellington?- My dog.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You're suggesting that Wellington and your wife were on a par?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Well, obviously I wouldn't have married Wellington.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35See? Bad-taste jokes again.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You just can't resist them, can you?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40No, no, no, no, no, look, I'm trying to make a serious point.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I mean, death is indivisible.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50Whether it's a beloved animal or a spouse, it's...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53not dissimilar in effect.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Well, yes, I see.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Love can't tell the difference.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00That's my belief.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I miss him...in more ways than I ever expected.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09At every turn.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Of course you do. I miss Celia.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15That's the way it goes.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17He always let me know when someone was at the door.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Oh, that was useful. Celia was rather shy in that department.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22She always let me answer the door.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24He snored.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Gently. Very calming.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Yes, well, he had the edge on Celia there.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Unless he heard something outside, then he really let rip.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Lots of burglaries around here at the moment.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Do you have a burglar alarm?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45No.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Oh, I hear strange noises in the night all the time.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You're still, erm, carrying his leash.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Are you going to get another one?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I think I may be too old for another Wellington.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Well, I'd recommend a cat.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Not expensive to run,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10and keeps me in touch with the infinite on a budget.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I'm a dog man. Always have been.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16But, um...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19..thanks.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Yes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Thank you.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Poor sod.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36It's a vendetta, isn't it?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37He'd like to see us destitute,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39out on the streets without a roof over our heads.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Preferably starving. He'd enjoy that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Perhaps he forgot.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Edith, forgive me for saying so,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48but you've got to stop giving Roger the benefit of the doubt.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You've always loved him unconditionally
0:05:50 > 0:05:52and see where it's led.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Wendy, you've got a very strange way of asking for sympathy.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking for justice.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I think you mean revenge.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I'm not a vindictive person. Far from it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06But I do think that Roger and people like him should be
0:06:06 > 0:06:09in prison for the good of society as a whole.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Right.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- I'll pop back later.- Phil, Phil...
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- I forgot something. You know, you need a burglar alarm.- What?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Anyway, this looks like the sort of conversation that's best
0:06:21 > 0:06:23conducted in the absence of chaps.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Phil, get in. Get in.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Dugdale's dog died.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Roger's fallen behind on the mortgage.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Is that our problem?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Well, it's almost certainly mine.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40OK, well, where is he? I'll kill him.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41How will you do that?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45In quite a different way to me, I expect. More...more methodical.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Oh...- How far behind on the mortgage do you have to get
0:06:48 > 0:06:50before they confiscate the property?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Well, it depends on your prospects and the lender.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I mean, did you borrow the money from a reputable building society
0:06:58 > 0:07:02or the local branch of the Stoke Poges mafia?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- I don't know.- Well, I mean, when they came to the door
0:07:05 > 0:07:07were there any signs of coercion? You know, baseball bats,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11hear a lot of shouting, cleavers, that sort of thing?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12- Phil?- Hm?
0:07:14 > 0:07:20Incidentally, that white Audi out there, is that yours?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Yes.- Well, it's a very nice car for a bankrupt.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Roger got it cheap.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Did he?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, he wouldn't have bothered, but Edith was so upset
0:07:29 > 0:07:32when he sold my old car. He only bought this to please you.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Dugdale's dog died.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42I-I-I mentioned it earlier, but I don't think you took it in.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Dugdale's dog died? Oh, I'm sorry. Poor man.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I know, I was trying to console him.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Hello?! What about me? What am I going to do?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Divorce Roger, take possession of the house,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54mortgage it again or sell it,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56find yourself a better job,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59flog the Audi and get a scooter.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01A scooter?!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04How am I supposed to take the twins to school on a scooter?!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Practice!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11SHE SOBS
0:08:13 > 0:08:15SHE CRIES
0:08:16 > 0:08:17DOOR CLOSES
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I'm sorry, it's just that Wendy doesn't always bring out the...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23very best in me.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53POTS CLATTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Roger, what are you doing?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Security.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01There's been a few burglaries in the neighbourhood
0:09:01 > 0:09:04and the kitchen is the weakest spot in this house.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Well, Phil's going to fit an alarm.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Yeah, but when?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Tomorrow, I expect.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It might be too late by then.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14We might be all murdered in our beds.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16If someone broke in to steal something,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18they wouldn't want to murder us, would they?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Not you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21- Not me?- Me.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- What are you talking about? - I've got enemies.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Could you just hold this end for me?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Roger, now you're frightening me. "Enemies"?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Wendy.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Oh, good gracious. Wendy wouldn't hurt a fly.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yeah? You haven't seen her diary.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You know, she left it on the kitchen table, open, on purpose,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- so that I'd read it.- This isn't going to work. It's crazy.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50You won't believe the fate she has in store for me.
0:09:50 > 0:09:56Dozens of pages of it, all in little tiny, poisonous, spidery writing.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59She's just venting her anger.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02She was furious with me. Even from the very beginning,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- before we were married. - You're making all this up.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08See, the thing is, I didn't really want to go out with her
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- and she knew it.- So why did you?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Well, I was desperately in love with Rose.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Rose? Her sister?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I was crazy about Rose.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I only pretended to fancy Wendy so I could be close to Rose.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24So why didn't you go out with Rose?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Oh, she was going out with Martin Norton and I hoped that
0:10:27 > 0:10:31that would break down and I'd be strategically placed.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I hoped that true love would win out in the end.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36So you were stuck with Wendy.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yeah, tragically.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39And even...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44And even more tragically, Wendy got stuck with you.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Roger, I don't want to hear any more of this.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Any of it. Ever.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54And put all this lot back where you found it. Now!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16DISTANT SMASHING
0:11:43 > 0:11:45MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC
0:11:45 > 0:11:46SHE SIGHS
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Bloody Roger.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01RADIO JINGLE
0:12:04 > 0:12:06MUSIC: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Oh, yes!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Come on! - VOLUME INCREASES
0:12:12 > 0:12:14MUSIC THUMPS
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- HE PLAYS ALONG - # I can't get no
0:12:22 > 0:12:25# Satisfaction... #
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What on Earth?
0:12:28 > 0:12:29# I can't get no
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# Satisfaction
0:12:32 > 0:12:34# Cos I try
0:12:34 > 0:12:35# And I try
0:12:35 > 0:12:37# And I try
0:12:37 > 0:12:38# And I try!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# I can't get no
0:12:42 > 0:12:44# I can't get no
0:12:45 > 0:12:49# When I'm drivin' in my car
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# And a man comes on the radio
0:12:53 > 0:12:56# He's telling me more and more
0:12:56 > 0:12:59# About some useless information
0:12:59 > 0:13:03# Supposed to fire my imagination
0:13:03 > 0:13:04# I can't get no
0:13:07 > 0:13:08# Oh, no, no, no
0:13:10 > 0:13:12# Hey, hey, hey
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# That's what I say
0:13:18 > 0:13:20# I can't get no... #
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Hi!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25# Satisfaction
0:13:25 > 0:13:29# I can't get no
0:13:29 > 0:13:31# Satisfaction... #
0:13:31 > 0:13:32MUSIC STOPS
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Sorry, did I wake you?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Who the hell are you?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Er, Steve.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Would you like a cuppa?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Are you a friend of Roger's?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Roger's? Vincent Rogers?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44What are you doing here?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, I'm your, I'm your local friendly burglar.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48"Friendly"?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'm completely 'armless.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Well, I'm not completely 'armless cos I do have one arm.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Oh?- Yeah - armless, harmless.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I've got to get that joke in before anybody else does.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I know, it's pathetic, I know.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05My son... Both my sons are upstairs.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07They'll be down in a moment. They're calling the police.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- Excellent.- Excellent?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Yeah, don't worry about it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12I don't understand.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I wouldn't expect you to. People like you.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- People like me?- Well, comfortable people. Nice houses.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21That's a bit steep, isn't it?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You break into my house and then you blame me for having one.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25HE LAUGHS
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I like that!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You'll go to prison.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Yeah, they're a bit slow around here.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Who is?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35The police. The dawdle squad. That's what we call them.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Who's "we"?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Me, and my fellow losers.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Losers?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Yeah, that's what I am. A loser.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45How nasty.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Well, nobody likes a loser.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I didn't mean that.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I meant the expression.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Loser, you know, winners and losers.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's not what life should be like.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00No, it's not, but it is.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I don't agree with that.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05There's more to you than meets the eye.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Was that meant to be a compliment?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Hey... Do I know you?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Do you live around here?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I used to, about 100 years ago.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20What... You do look familiar, somehow.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Do you remember the great deposit box robbery in Knightsbridge?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Hmm?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35£34 million never recovered.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38No. Were you involved in that?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39No.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh! Wait a minute!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Wait a minute!
0:15:47 > 0:15:52Eddie Somerton, Mada Avenue, July 1962.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Bob! Bob Angel-Face Whitley!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yeah, I wish you wouldn't say that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03The handsomest boy in town!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Yeah, don't remind me!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I'd forgotten all about you!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Had you? Had you really?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Well, not completely.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I had wondered from time to time what you were up to,
0:16:15 > 0:16:16but, to be honest,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I've never thought of you with any great fondness.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I'm not surprised. I was a...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26callous, self-centred bastard.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28What are you doing in my kitchen?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh, I decided to go back inside.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Back inside? In prison?- Yeah.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You know, even at this time of year, it gets cold at night.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39What happened to your arm?
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Oh, well, car crash. Head-on.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Trans-Siberian Highway.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh, how dreadful. I'm sorry.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51And you, eh? Nice home.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Nice husband. Nice kids.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Lovely grandchildren?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Well, quite lovely.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I'm happy for you. I really am.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Ah...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Don't tell me - your husband died. - Yes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11I'm sorry.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17But, Eddie...
0:17:17 > 0:17:24this is the hand of fate bringing us back together again.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26You do realise that, don't you?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28This was meant.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32That's not quite how I see it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36You will. You're in shock just now, but you will.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39We can turn the clock back.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41We can get back together again.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Anything is possible.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Are you sure you don't know my son Roger?
0:17:46 > 0:17:47He's big on putting the clocks back.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49The one upstairs?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Tell him to call the police back and say it was a mistake.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I doubt he called them. He's probably still asleep.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00And there's only one son, really.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Eddie...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I always loved you.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04I was...
0:18:06 > 0:18:10..completely and utterly obsessed by you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Besotted.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Until you met someone else. Someone with money.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- That was a mistake.- Not fate?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21No, bad luck. Very bad luck.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Edith! It's all right, I'm here!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Quick, get behind me! Get behind me!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Who are you?- This is my friend Phil.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Oh. Hello, Phil.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Where are the police?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, they're very slow around here, apparently.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- What?- The dawdle squad.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Where's Roger? - Asleep, I should think.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I asked Roger to call the police when he called me.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Where the hell have you been?!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Upstairs, keeping guard.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Well, did you call the police?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Yes.- He's lying. I'm a pro. I know.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I couldn't remember the number.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You couldn't remember the number?!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Now he's telling the truth.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59You couldn't remember the nu... You couldn't remember 999?!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Yeah, well, I can now, but I couldn't then.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I was stressed. I thought you were going to ring the police.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05No, no, you were going to call the police!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Mum, are there any biscuits?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08SHE SIGHS
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Who the hell are you, anyway? What are you doing here?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Oh, this is kismet that I'm here.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20You see, Eddie and I were once at item.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yes, 1962 for six weeks. Or was it five?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Bob Angel-Face Whitley.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I wish you wouldn't say that.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28He broke into here so we'd call the police
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and then he'd get put away for a while out of the cold.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Well, then, I think that we can oblige him.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Er, no, I've changed my mind.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- No, you haven't.- Eddie...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39How did you lose your arm?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Oh, er, line of duty.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Shellfire.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45First Gulf War.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Oh, was it painful?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Yeah, extremely. But I wouldn't let them give me anaesthetic.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I wanted to... I wanted to know what was going on.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Cool. Did you kill anyone?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Well, not intentionally.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Did you get a medal?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Perhaps you'd like to continue this conversation as a prison visitor?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Er, no, no, no jail.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I'm turning over a new leaf with the help of Eddie.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08No, I'm afraid that's not possible.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Who says? The valiant neighbour?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Phil and I are getting married.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Oh, you mean I'm too late? - Well, 55 years too late.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Eddie...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Are you making the right choice?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25You may have lost your looks, Bob...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- And an arm.- ..and an arm, but you've still got the brass neck.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yeah, and that's all I've got left.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And I'm not very proud of it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'll call the police.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36All right.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Well, maybe a cup of tea and a piece of cake, maybe?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Or some smoked salmon?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Plover's eggs?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Chocolate ants?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Yeah, whatever. - How did you get that scar?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Duelling.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Wow. Did you win?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Er, yes, I did. Yeah.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56What was it about?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58To settle a gambling debt.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Cool.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02You'd have grasped by now that my stepson-to-be
0:21:02 > 0:21:04is looking for a role model.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm interested in people. I'm interested in the human predicament.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11That's why I watch documentaries about real people, like Gogglebox.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Bob, I'm going to make some tea and then I'd like you to go.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17All right.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Some tea and, er, a cooked breakfast, if you can manage it,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and then call the police.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25We're entirely at your disposal.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Do we really need to call the police?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- I could lend you some money. - How much?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Roger! You've got other commitments!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Like the mortgage.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah, that. OK, well, I mean,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I would lend you some if I could.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Oh. Oh, thanks, buddy.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43A diamond geezer. Nice to meet you.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Yeah.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Great to meet you, too. Roger.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48CAR SCREECHES OUTSIDE
0:21:48 > 0:21:49What is it?!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Wendy.- My wife.- Where?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52She just drove up.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55With the handbrake full-on. Unmistakable.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Roger, did you call Wendy?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00What on earth did you call Wendy for?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Well, if anyone could scare off an intruder, it would be her.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04She doesn't need any more stress.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Well, she's always complaining about being left out of the loop.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What's happened? Is everyone all right?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Yes, everyone's perfectly all right.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Who's this?- This is Bob.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Bob Angel-Face Whitley.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19He's a trainee burglar and a professional fraud.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Wendy, Roger should never have called you.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Oh, I'm glad he did. I'm glad you're seeing his true nature.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26This is typical of him.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28You know, whenever there's a news story about a serial killer, for
0:22:28 > 0:22:31example, he sends me out alone, late at night, to the 24-hour chemist.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- PHIL:- And? - Phil.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Well, don't you see? He wants to put me in peril.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Oh, here we go.- I thought someone was calling the police. Phil?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- PHIL:- I can't. - WENDY:- Why not?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- PHIL:- Well, he wants us to. - WENDY:- What?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Would you like a sausage?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Oh, yes, please.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Mushrooms?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Er, no. Not so crazy about mushrooms.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53If we comply with his wishes,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55then aren't we entering into a conspiracy?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- No.- Not really.- No, just don't say. Don't tell them anything.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59- Stay shtum.- Well, look,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02why don't we just tell the police exactly what happened
0:23:02 > 0:23:03and leave it to them?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I mean, after all, he did break in, no matter what his motives.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- How do you like your eggs? - Er, cooked both sides, please.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Roger, careful.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Roger!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43EDITH YELPS
0:23:43 > 0:23:44- Oh, Roger!- That's it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46SHE SIGHS
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I knew it would work.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Isn't this the house where all those geriatric hooligans were
0:23:58 > 0:24:00having that rave-up?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02With that mad old bat. What was her name?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05The cuppo. Mrs Gale. One to watch.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08This is a local hot spot, then.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Looks like it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh, hello. Talk of the devil.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Hey, what... What's going on? What's happened?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20We're just going to find out.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22You two stop here. Don't budge.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26It's the police!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Who called them?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Don't look at me!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Well, somebody must have called them.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Oh! There's a whole police squad out there. Armed.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Oh, my God.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I can see why you called me, Roger, I'd have got here sooner
0:24:38 > 0:24:40but I couldn't find me trainers.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Don't say anything. I'll do the talking.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44This is delicious.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Like some ketchup?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Yeah, why not? Mm-hm.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51I hope that gives you terminal gastroenteritis.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Huh!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Oh, officer. I'm the person you're looking for.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I broke into these premises, intent on theft,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03and I was apprehended by the householder here.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Not true.- Absolutely true.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Not true.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Bobby?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Little Bobby Whitley?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Ha-ha, well, I never.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What you been up to this time?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19He was always a terrible tearaway, right from the off.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Ah, true enough.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24He lost the other one larking about with a milk float.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25What's he doing here?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Embracing kismet.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Does the owner of the white Audi registration PF16 NNV
0:25:33 > 0:25:36parked on the street at the front of this house live here?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I don't live here, but that is my car. Why?
0:25:39 > 0:25:40That's a stolen vehicle, madam.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- What?- Officer... - That man! That man, him!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Him! He gave me that car!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Officer, I'm a common felon. - I'll say!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Up to no good.- I didn't steal it. I bought that car in good faith.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I must ask you both to accompany me to the police station.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Officer, arrest me! It's your duty!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence
0:25:59 > 0:26:00if you do not mention, when questioned,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02something you later rely on in court.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Roger, what have you done? - Don't say anything.- Roger!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I just told you not to say anything! It'll harm your defence.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Just, just be quiet for once!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Phil!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Oh they'll be back in a couple of hours, sadly.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- DOOR CLOSES - Unbelievable.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22What's the country coming to?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I'll see you later, eh?
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Oh, you and Bobby.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Oh, you never forget your first love, do you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Your mum took a real shine to him.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55She was heartbroken when it all came to an end. Heartbroken.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Broke my heart, too.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Did it?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Well, they were made for each other.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Mrs Gale...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh, I'll go, then.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08DOOR CLOSES
0:27:08 > 0:27:10SHE SIGHS
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh, like a cup of tea?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Oh, will you not offer me the full English, dear?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Oh, I can, if you'd like one.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Of course I don't want one.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I just want an ordinary cup of tea, please.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22SHE STIFLES A LAUGH
0:27:28 > 0:27:31SHE ERUPTS WITH LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
0:27:39 > 0:27:41SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Oh, shut up!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I can't stop!