0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Have I the right to hold you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:07# You know I've always told you
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# I've loved you from the very start
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Come right back
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# I just can't bear it
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# I've got some love and I long to share it
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Come right back, right back where you belong
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# Oh, yeah
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# You belong... #
0:00:30 > 0:00:34So, while your mother's out of the room, how... How bad is it?
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Oh, it's not so bad.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Honestly, I've been through worse.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- I've got the accounts for last year.- No, no, no.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- I don't need them.- Oh.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Phil, I've been in business for 20 years and I'm still at it.
0:00:47 > 0:00:4930K be enough?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Yes, on top of the bank loan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Good. And if the business goes belly up,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I'll be right at the back of the queue, right?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00It won't go belly up, and if it does, I'll... I'll sell my house.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Oh, all right.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04What would you do then?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Move in here with Mum and Roger.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08HE CHOKES
0:01:16 > 0:01:18OK, OK, OK.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Are you all right?- Good grief.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Just when you were about to write the cheque.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Yeah, well, you know how to kill me now, if you ever wanted.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- I was joking.- Mmm, well, tell that to the coroner.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Roger's feeling a bit better.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I think it's just a bad cold.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35A cold?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38He's got a cold and he's got you running up there with hot drinks.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40What is that?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, a crocodile.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Well, yes.- It's Roger's.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47He was so upset when they didn't give him the job at the toy shop
0:01:47 > 0:01:50that they gave him that as a consolation prize.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Dear God.- So, is it all done?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Er, yes. Phil is about to write a cheque. Aren't you, Phil?- Mm-hm.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Yes, well, I hope all this is going to be all right.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Oh, it's a bargain.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03A one-year interest-free loan of £30,000
0:02:03 > 0:02:06in exchange for a free monthly haircut for me
0:02:06 > 0:02:10and a perm or whatever for your mum in perpetuity.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Am I right?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Absolutely. A huge bargain.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Mm, and when you're looking for a buyer for a house share
0:02:16 > 0:02:18on the Brooklyn Bridge or the Tower of London,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I trust you'll give me first refusal.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Don't lend her a penny.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26You'll never get it back.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You come down to be generous with your germs?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30You're immune.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32If a viper bit her, it'd die.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Roger!- I came for Methuselah.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Should Phil...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Should Phil lend Sandra the money?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- SILLY VOICE:- What a stupid question! Definitely not.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48No, no, no, no, no, no! Noooooo!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52NO, NOOOOO!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Night-night.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Sleep tight.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02This will all be better once the right job comes along.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Oh, sorry.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Ah...
0:03:18 > 0:03:19That's it, come on... No, no, no!
0:03:19 > 0:03:20No!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Up, up, up!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Come on... Come on!
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Hello, Roger.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Oh, Bob. Bob the Burglar.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Just Bob will do.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45All right. Yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Can you give me a ha...?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Sorry.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You know, I used to fly kites for the army.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Signal Corp.- Cool.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Yeah, Somaliland campaign.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- You know, against the Dervish.- Wow.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Roger, the Somaliland campaign was in 1920.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I wasn't even born.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Ah, right.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12It really pains me to see what a pathetically easy target you are.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's no fun for you really, is it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16It's not as if you're even born yesterday.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18It's like half an hour ago.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- What can I do?- Well, it's a problem.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24You know... I could take you under my wing, you know?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Make you my apprentice, but, you know, I'd have to charge you.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Well, I've got no money.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32What, nothing?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Well, I'm in debt.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37No, that means you're rich. The more debt you have, the richer you are.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39You ramp that up to millions,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41they will treat you like royalty.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I tried to get a job, but my heart's not in it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Well, good for you. I never fancied working myself either.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00How is your mother?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02She's a lovely lady.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yeah, really good.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- That's even better. - What do you mean?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- You could be a carer.- What, for Mum?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Exactly. Make a few bob.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14But she doesn't need a carer. She's fine.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- So?- So they won't let me.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Of course they will!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, there'll be forms and stuff to fill in, won't there?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25No, they don't bother about that nonsense.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29You get me your mother's full name, date, place of birth,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33social security number, all that stuff and I'll do the rest.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- The rest?- Yeah, a doctor's letter.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39See, er... I know people, right?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I'm, like, connected.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Won't they want paying?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Oh... 300 should do it.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49300?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Yeah, on account.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You can pay me back in instalments once you get the job.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00See, it's like an investment.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03You know? You get an income with next to nothing to do for her.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Now, I do like the sound of that.- Yeah.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Just wish we'd talked about it more first.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21I mean, Sandra's always going on about
0:06:21 > 0:06:25how brilliantly on top of everything she is.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28And then as soon as the ice starts to crack, up you come,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30waving your cheque book in the air.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Well, I thought you might be grateful.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Maybe I don't want to be grateful.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Are you worried about it? - Aren't you?- Not really, no.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45That's a big fib.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Could be right.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04So, here is a comprehensive account
0:07:04 > 0:07:07by a proper doctor on why your mum needs a carer.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- I can't do it.- Why not?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13I'm too nervous.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- They'll suspect something. - Nervous is normal.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Everybody's nervous going through that door.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22If you weren't nervous, they would suspect you.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Go on, you'll be surprised how easy it is.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I'll be waiting for you on that bench. Go on.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50How long have you been caring for your mother, Roger?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Uh, it's about... about six years.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Months! Months.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59On your own?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Uh, yes, mainly on my own, yeah.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I've got a sister but she's dead.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07She works! Sister works.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09So, yeah, yeah, on my own, yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Felicity.- Hmm?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Questions. Comments.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18It's very kind of you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Yes, yes, it is.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Your doctor says your mother has severe mobility problems,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30has almost entirely lost the power of speech
0:08:30 > 0:08:33and is subject to fits of uncontrollable rage.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Good grief!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37That sounds really bad, doesn't it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Um, I mean, when you say it like that.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I presume you don't have a regular job.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45No. Um, I did do, but I had to give it up.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51- To look after your mother. - No... Yes! But not at first.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That was later, so, um...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- You must be under a lot of stress, Roger.- Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I am. I am.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Under a lot of stress.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, there you go. That didn't take too long.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- How'd it go?- Oh, I'm finished.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Done for. I might as well go straight to the police and confess.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37What are you talking about? What happened?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40They're sending an inspector to the house.
0:09:40 > 0:09:4211 o'clock, Thursday morning.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Good.- Good?! It's not good at all.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's a disaster.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I never realised that I was happy, but now I know I was
0:09:51 > 0:09:53compared to this.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Oh, dear.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13What's up, Rog?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh, nothing at all. Nothing.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Queenie, will you do me a favour?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Well, if I can.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26I've got a friend who... who's got a friend who's training to be
0:10:26 > 0:10:29an assessor for people who want to be carers.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And, erm, but they need someone to practise on.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What, like a guinea pig?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Yeah, yeah, just someone to pretend that they can't walk or talk
0:10:38 > 0:10:40and they get a bit frustrated about it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, a difficult customer.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Well, not too difficult
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and you wouldn't have to do anything or even have to say anything.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Uh, I'd do all the talking.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Yeah, I think I can manage that.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I played the front legs of a pantomime horse once
0:10:55 > 0:10:57for four years running.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59The front legs, mind you.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Well, I'm impressed.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Yeah. So was I.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Mainly by the randy little rapscallion
0:11:05 > 0:11:07who played the back legs
0:11:07 > 0:11:11and subsequently became my second husband.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Um, and just for authenticity's sake, um,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17we'd pretend that you're my mum.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh... Well, if you say so.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I hope Edith won't mind.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, no, no, she won't mind.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27But don't say anything to her, will you?
0:11:27 > 0:11:33She won't be here on the Thursday when this person comes
0:11:33 > 0:11:35and if I get a job on the training programme too,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- then I want it to be a big surprise for her.- Yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Thank you so much. We'll see you in six weeks.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Love that colour on you. - Thank you. Bye-bye.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Leonora's. Can you hold?- Hi. Yeah, hi, Sandra.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- Yeah, it's Rog.- Rog? Don't ever remember calling you Rog.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Were we ever that close, Roger? I don't think so.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- What do you want?- Uh, yeah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Mum's had to rush off somewhere.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30She asked me to make an appointment for her.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Um, 11 o'clock Thursday morning.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Uh, Phil too.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And she said she wants everything,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41so colouring and perming,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43straightening and all the other stuff.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Well, it's either one or the other, Roger.- Yeah, I know!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- But that's what she said.- OK.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Thursday at 11.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Great! Great, I'll tell her.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55OK, bye.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Oh, hello, dear.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh, hi. Hi, Mum. Hi.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Um, Sandra just called.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20She said she's made appointments for both of you
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- for Thursday morning at 11 o'clock. - Oh, that's very kind of her.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Yeah, she said not to be late.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26I think I'll give it a miss.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29She was quite insistent that you both go.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I don't see why.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well, because...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Because she wants to extend her demographic.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- Does she?- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41She wants to regain profitable territory
0:13:41 > 0:13:43from the slap-head generation.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Have you been at the Weetabix again?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50She believes that your esteemed presence will boost her business.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Ah, well, now I understand.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I hope this won't take too long cos I haven't finished the cleaning.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Now, this is Edith. My mum.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Mum, this is Miss Oaks.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Felicity.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55SHOUTING: Hello, Edith! Nice to meet you!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Felicity is from the social care office.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Remember? She's here to see if you need a carer.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Oh, I do. I do.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I need a carer cos otherwise I won't be able to cope, will I?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Roger has to carry me to the lavatory.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Yes, normally she's just completely incontinent.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Incontinent? Oh, dear.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I mean, incommunicative.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Uh, yeah, she can't say a word, can you, Mum?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20But sometimes she has these rather...
0:15:20 > 0:15:24..unexpected bursts of verbal diarrhoea.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Oh...Oh...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28That's more like it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31See, she gets so frustrated and irritable not being able to speak.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Ohhhhh! Ohh.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Mum. Mum, now Felicity is here to help you.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Now, if you behave badly, then she might just give up and go away.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44No, no, Edith, I won't do that.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I'm sure you won't - but may I suggest that we do
0:15:48 > 0:15:52the necessary as quickly as possible just for Mum's sake.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I must say, you've done it very nicely.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58I love the colours.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01It's good, isn't it? Cost, of course.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Vanker and Vanker.- What?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05The design studio.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Vanker and Vanker.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh, very unfortunate names.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11They must have had a difficult time in life.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13It's not their real names, Mum.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- It's the memorable name for the company.- I'll say!
0:16:18 > 0:16:21So sorry you're having to wait.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23If you hadn't asked for Thursday morning...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Did we ask for Thursday morning?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Roger told us that you'd offered Thursday morning.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30- He said that?- Yeah.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Sure?- Yeah.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I smell a rat.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I smell several rats - and the biggest of those is Roger.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Can she use the toilet on her own?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Uh, well, I help her but then she's on her own, isn't she?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I mean, what she does in there is her business, isn't it?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Well...- Baaah...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01And she sleeps upstairs?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Yes.- OK.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05How does she manage the stairs?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Uh...
0:17:08 > 0:17:09I used to be a fireman,
0:17:09 > 0:17:13so I just throw her over my shoulder and I carry her up.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Gosh.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Really?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Mum, it isn't funny.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Oh, yes, it is!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I think you need to have other arrangements.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Is there a bathroom downstairs on the ground floor?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28DOOR OPENS
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Roger.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- What's going on?- Baaah!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34What's the matter with her?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36She's just having one of her days, Sandra.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Felicity, this is my sister Sandra.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Felicity works for the local authority care department.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Hello.- Hello.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, Felicity.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I just need to have a quick word with my sister.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Of course.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Baah.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- What are you doing here?! - What was all that about?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00You're always meddling, aren't you? Always meddling.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Shut up and tell me what you're playing at.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Right, Felicity is a friend of mine, OK?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Now, she is training to assess people to see if they need carers.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Now, I offered to help her in her training.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11So did Queenie.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Queenie's pretending to be Mum,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I'm pretending to be me for the purposes of the exercise.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18- You're lying.- No, I'm not!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Where are you going?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- I've got a few questions for Felicity.- Yeah, no, wait, wait.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Um...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26OK, I am lying.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Now, but...thing is...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31..I'm trying to become a carer.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- A carer?- For Mum.- What?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'm committing a criminal act to deceive the local authority
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and to defraud the tax-payer into paying me a carer's allowance.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Good God.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Now...and if you let the cat out of the bag, right,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I will drag you into it
0:18:46 > 0:18:50and I will ruin both your reputation and your business.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I've got nothing to do with this.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Your signature's on the application form.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58You...forged my signature? Well, I'll tell them.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Even if they believed you, it'd get in the papers wouldn't, it?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And mud always sticks.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- KNOCK AT DOOR - Sorry, um, excuse me,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Roger, your mother's insisting she's Queenie the cleaning lady.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Oh, no! Not that again.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13She's... She's always doing that these days.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Isn't she, Sandra?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Yes, she has been known to do that.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh, there you are, you scallywag.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I've had enough of being your mum.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I want to be myself now, and finish the cleaning.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, no, Mum, don't say that.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'm not your mum and I can't honestly say I'm altogether sorry.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Phil! Phil...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I'm at Mum's. Get back here fast.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It's an emergency. Don't say anything to Mum.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Just be patient.- Oh, God.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Another five minutes, and that's it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It's not that I don't want to help you, Felicity.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Thank you, Edith.- Queenie.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Mum, please.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01"Mum."
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I'll "Mum" you.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Roger, I wonder if care in the home is really adequate in this case.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I think it is. I can manage.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I really, really can.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12She isn't normally this difficult, are you, Mum?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Baaah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15It's quite odd.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17She can speak when she's Queenie the cleaner,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19but only sometimes when she's Edith.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Yeah, it's very peculiar, but you do get used to it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Baah!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31What are we going to do?!
0:20:31 > 0:20:32We've got to come clean.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36How? If we tell her the truth, then she'll call the police.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- My signature is on the application form!- Forged. Hmm.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42And for once, Roger is right about one thing.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Mud does stick.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I mean, some of my customers might decide to go elsewhere.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- I could be ruined.- Have you paid the cheque into the account yet?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Of course.- Bugger.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- I've got an idea.- But you haven't spent it yet, have you?- Listen...
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Cos I can't afford to wave goodbye to 30K just like that, right?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Me neither.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Somehow...
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Somehow, we have to convince Felicity
0:21:01 > 0:21:04that Roger is barking
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and that we all play along with him
0:21:06 > 0:21:08because, despite everything, we love him...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11..and we can't face putting him into a home.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Put Roger in a home?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- So, you go in there...- Mm-hm. - ..and send Roger to me -
0:21:15 > 0:21:17and we have to keep Felicity in the dark,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19so that means you've got to play along, Phil.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, and Mrs G's Mum.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- Right.- OK?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25What?!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I'm here twice a week to help Edith.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Ever since Roger came home.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Oh, not you, as well.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Hello, you must be Felicity.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Y-Yes.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Good, I'm Phil.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'd Edith's friend.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Right.- Roger, could you have a quick word with Sandra, please?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Now, apparently it's a little bit urgent.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Well, Edith, how are you, darling?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Now, don't tire yourself out trying to answer that, so just...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Phil's my companion.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Oh, really? That's nice.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Lovely.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Yeah.- Yes.- We're going to get married, aren't we?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Yes, the less you say, darling, the quicker this will be over.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Oh, you're not going to jilt me, are you, Phil?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Well, I'm seriously considering it!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Now, do see if you could be as quiet as possible.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I know that you can if you really try.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21OK, that's enough, I've done my bit.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I need to vac the dining room.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24No, no, no, no, Edith.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I absolutely refuse to let you do any of the cleaning, Edith.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30That's Mrs Gale's job.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32He knows perfectly well who I am.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Indeed I do, Edith.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Queenie.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I don't want you to think that I'm a snob,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42but could you imagine someone like me marrying a cleaning lady?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Um...- Point of information -
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I know some very marriageable cleaning ladies.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51No doubt - but you're not one of them.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Do you mind? I've been married three times.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56No, no, you're not one of them because you're Edith.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01You see how fickle men are.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03When he thinks I'm Edith, he wants to marry me.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06When he thinks I'm a cleaning lady, he doesn't.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08If you don't shut up, I won't marry you!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Or employ you as a cleaning lady,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15or whatever it is that you're doing on the appointed day.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17So, don't take any notice of us.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It's a little jovial pre-marital banter.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25So, um, have you been doing the...the job long?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oh, not long at all, really.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29That's why Mrs Poole should really be here with me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- Phil...- Sh. Listen to what Felicity's saying.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You wouldn't like to carry me to the lavatory, would you?
0:23:36 > 0:23:37No, thank you, Edith.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38No, not today.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42And if this gets out, as it certainly will
0:23:42 > 0:23:44if you don't do as I say...
0:23:44 > 0:23:48..what do you think it's going to do to Mum?!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50She's going to be devastated, isn't she?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52She'll probably never recover.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Now you didn't think about that, did you?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Did you?!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00No.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05You're probably wondering by now why I've set my heart on marrying
0:24:05 > 0:24:09this extraordinarily interesting woman Edith.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Queenie.- No, no. I wasn't. Not at all.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16The answer is, she is extremely rich.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Oh, that's a good one.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Well, if that's the case, then why...
0:24:23 > 0:24:29Oh, why, why are we asking the social services to provide a carer?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Yeah.- Yes. A good point.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Um, very good point, actually...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Well, the reason is, when I first met her,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39she told me that she was incredibly rich.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Um, and by the time I found out that that wasn't true,
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I had fallen totally in love with her, you see?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Um, and it was too late to do anything about it,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53so that's when I realised that...
0:24:53 > 0:24:57..money is the most...not the most important thing in life.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Come along. Come along.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oh, God.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Go on.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Say goodnight to Felicity.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"Goodnight, Felicity.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"We've got to go to bed now."
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Night-night, sleep tight.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Ha-ha.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Off we go.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"Night-night!"
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I'm so sorry, Felicity.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It... It's very sad.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45It really is.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50He means well, but if we don't all play along with him,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53then it can be a great trial for all of us.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55He should really be in care.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You've got to forgive him, dear.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00He went a bit daft when his dad died.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05He's been a few currants short of a teacake ever since -
0:26:05 > 0:26:07but he's a good lad, really.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14PHONE RINGS
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Hello?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21So, how did it go?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Mrs Poole, I don't think I'm cut out for this.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24I think I made a mistake.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Of course you're not.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28No-one's cut out for this, Felicity.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Not one of us.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31- But...- Well, I look forward
0:26:31 > 0:26:34with great interest to reading your first report, Felicity.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36But...
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Oh.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Roger.- Oh, hi, Bob.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03So, how did it go?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Great, yeah, fantastic.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- I'm a carer.- You're a carer!- Yeah!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Oh, that's... That's wonderful!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Hey! So, uh...how much are they paying you?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Shedloads.- Shedloads!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Oh! That can't be bad, eh? Oh, this...
0:27:19 > 0:27:22This calls for celebration.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Yeah, I'll buy you a beer. Yeah.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27A beer?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, I won't say no to a beer,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34but, um, I hope you're not going to get all parsimonious
0:27:34 > 0:27:36on your old friend here, you know?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39After all I did for you.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42We... We had a deal, Roger? Remember?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Bob, I was joking. I'm not a carer.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46You're not? Dear heavens, Roger.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- You could kill a man with a joke like that.- Yeah, I'm sorry.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I was just trying to take the edge off the bad news.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52What happened?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, it was going really, really well.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Um, near perfect, and then Sandra turned up.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Sandra, your sister? What, just by chance?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02No, she knew. She suspected something.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- How come?- I don't know. She's always been like that.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- How spooky.- Diabolical.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Fiendish.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Anyway, it's not all bad news.- No?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15No, Phil has promised to put me on the payroll
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- as long as I stay out of trouble. - The payroll?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Yeah, it's...pocket money.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23So what about that beer, then, huh?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Yeah, yeah, why not?
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Uh, you couldn't see your way to lending me a tenner, could you?
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Uh, well, I've only got... I've only got five, Bob.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Yeah, well, that'll do for now.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44So...is Phil rich?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Squillions.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47So what's he doing here?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52He used to work for the Secret Service.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55You are kidding.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Mmm - and I think that the Russians might be after him.