0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors. Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts. Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful Wars. Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles. Daring Knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings. Cruel crimes
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# Punishments from ancient times Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless. Groovy Greeks. Rainy sages
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Mean and measly Middle Ages Gory stories we supply
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# And your host is Stephen Fry The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:32# Welcome to Horrible Histories! #
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Horrible Histories.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37The show that lets us, for a moment,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41forget about the madness of the world around and focus instead on
0:00:41 > 0:00:45the complete and utter madness of the world as it used to be.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Wolsingham, what happened to you?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57The Queen threw a slipper at me...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- again!- What did you do this time?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I told her she had a short temper.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- You idiot, you know that makes her angry.- I know.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Have you finished her portrait yet? - It's getting there, but...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I'm petrified, what if she doesn't like it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- You'd better hope she's in a good mood.- Is she ever?- No.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15'Where's my portrait?'
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I can't look, it's grotesque!
0:01:22 > 0:01:27The hideous nose, rotten teeth and pockmarked skin.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Wolsingham, have that man relieved of the burden of his head!
0:01:30 > 0:01:36- Ma'am, you are looking into a mirror. - Oh!- This is the portrait.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Ah!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Petite nose, perfect teeth, porcelain skin.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Why, however did you manage to capture my good looks?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Well, my lady, I just did an exact copy of
0:01:48 > 0:01:50the only portrait you've ever liked.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- As per your order.- Splendid.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Do me another, and see if you can capture my regal beauty again.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I think it looks nothing like her.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I heard that!
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Elizabeth I very carefully stage-managed her image.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Her looks had been destroyed by smallpox scars
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and the ravages of lead-based make-up, so she issued
0:02:15 > 0:02:18facsimile portraits of herself from earlier years,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21rather than letting people see how she really looked.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Elizabeth was a great patron of the arts, and towards
0:02:24 > 0:02:28the end of her reign, became a big fan of William Shakespeare.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Largely because he, too, made her look good.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Whilst Shakespeare may not have given us the word sycophantic,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38he clearly understood the concept. Though there are a great many words
0:02:38 > 0:02:42and phrases that the Bard can rightly call his own.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50May we have our next contestant, please?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Hello. Your name, please?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- William Shakespeare. - And your occupation?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01One that doth make words to dance upon the page
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and thence into the ear of the throng.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05I'm sorry, I don't quite...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- I write plays.- Right, well, why didn't you just say so?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- And your chosen specialised subject. - Phrases what I made up.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15William Shakespeare, you have two minutes on
0:03:15 > 0:03:18phrases what you made up starting from now.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- To be or not to be, that is the question.- I know it is.- I'm sorry?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I know that's the question, you've just asked me it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26No, the question is, did you make it up?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29You just said the question was to be or not to be.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33To be or not to be, that is the question IS the question.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, yes, I see. I did make that up.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Correct. Good riddance.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- I've only just arrived.- No, did you invent the phrase good riddance?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Yes, I did.- Correct. Heart of gold.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Thank you, that's very flattering.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No, were you the first person
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- to use the phrase heart of gold?- Yes, I was.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Correct. Dead as a doornail.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Yes, that is one of mine.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Henry VI, Part 2, the sequel.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Correct. Wild-goose chase.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, yes, that's mine. Are they still using that?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05They are indeed. Correct. Knock knock, who's there?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08That's wrong. You say "knock knock," I say, "who's there?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:10No. Did you invent it?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- What?- Knock knock.- Who's there?
0:04:12 > 0:04:18- No!- No, who?- Did you come up with the phrase
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- "knock knock, who's there?" - Yes, I did.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Correct. For goodness' sake!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- That's one of mine, too.- Correct.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26All the world's a...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- I've started, so I'll finish. - No, that's one of yours.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Correct. William Shakespeare,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36at the end of that round, you've scored eight points.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Sorry, is this what you do for entertainment nowadays?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yes, it is, yes.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- I think I prefer the theatre.- Mmm. "I think I prefer the theatre."
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Get out of the chair now.- OK.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Diseases were rife in the Middle Ages.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00You could get a nice dose of scurvy, a spot of leprosy,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04or some good old Black Death, which, in 1348,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06killed more than half of all the people in Europe.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10So, thank heavens for cutting-edge Middle Ages medicines.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Can you hear me? Don't worry, darling, the ambulance is on its way.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Make way, make way! Historical paramedics.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Are you from the hospital?- No, the Middle Ages.- What's happened here?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- It's my husband, he went all dizzy and he passed out.- What be his name?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Paul.- Paul, hear ye!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Hear ye, Paul!- Can ye hear me, Paul?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30He looks like he's fainted. Nigel, I need a dead chicken.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33A dead chicken, what on earth is that going to do?!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- Nothing, it's dead.- It's not the chicken we need, it's the feathers.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39We just burn the ends of them like this.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41This should bring him round almost immediately.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- No, it's not working.- Had he shown any other symptoms before this day?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- I suppose he hasn't been sleeping too well.- Sleeplessness? Nigel, treacle.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Yes, honey?- No, get the treacle.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Don't worry, treacle is the latest Middle Ages cure for sleeplessness.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Hang on, what are those markings?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Could be bruising from the fall. I'll get the flour and bacon fat.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- What? - Hang on, they're kind of blotchy.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Skin disease... No!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- I'm all out of wolf skin. - Where be a wolf?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- Where be a wolf?- This might work. - Actually, it looks like ringworm.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- I concur with thee.- There's only one thing for it. Man-child,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17do you want to be a gallant hero?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Then you must wee on that man's head. Nothing cures ringworm
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- like a hair wash in boys' wee.- He's not weeing on my husband's head!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You're not weeing on my husband's head!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Don't worry, I always carry a fresh jar of boys' urine, just in case.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Paul!- I'm OK.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I do need a shower, though.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Our work here is done.- D'you mind filling this up while we're here?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Stop it. Don't...- Is that not...?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- SIREN WAILS - Hark,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- it sounds like a proper ambulance. - We must flee this place!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Make haste!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Ian, bring the clean-up kit!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Those historical ones have been here.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Treacle, in the Middle Ages, was not actually
0:07:04 > 0:07:08treacle as we know it nowadays, rather it was a name for a medicine
0:07:08 > 0:07:13containing up to 65 ingredients. It was sometimes called mithridatum,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17after the famous ancient Turkish ruler Mithridates VI.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21He had, according to legend, made himself immune to all poison
0:07:21 > 0:07:22by regularly taking
0:07:22 > 0:07:26tiny amounts of whatever his doctors feared might be used to kill them.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30A practice which also works well for kebabs. Mithridatum
0:07:30 > 0:07:33became popular for centuries. But I don't think the concoction
0:07:33 > 0:07:36would have been of much use to this chap.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true
0:07:42 > 0:07:48# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time, it's not you! #
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Oh... Next!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52And you are?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Humphrey de Bohun, leader of the rebel army.- And how did you die?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58With great stupidity, I hope.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I was leading a rebellion against King Edward II.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04My army was fighting his at the Battle of Boroughbridge.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Not stupid enough. - I was leading my troops
0:08:06 > 0:08:09across the wooden bridge. The enemy was defending it fiercely.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Almost sensible. - I decided to charge them head on.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I was killing everything in my path,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17battling them to the right, fighting them to the left.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You're losing me, pal.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Then suddenly, I... felt a terrible agony in my...
0:08:23 > 0:08:30- in my bottom.- Oh, joy!- Yes, an enemy soldier had hidden himself
0:08:30 > 0:08:34under the bridge and he'd shoved a pike right in my bottom.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Look, there it is!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Ooh! Hey, that must have been a real pain in the neck!
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- Don't you mean pain in the backside? - That's what I said, wasn't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- No, you said pain in the neck. - I said pain in the backside.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52It would have been funnier if you'd said pain in the backside...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Whatever, pal!- Right. - You're through to the afterlife.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Off you trot.- Thank you.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Hey, he got a real bum deal!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Oh, I should have said that when he was in the room. ..Hey, you!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10You got a bum... He's gone. Why do you always think of things too late?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Next!
0:09:12 > 0:09:18# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time, it's not you! #
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Welcome to the News at When.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35When, the 1600s, when the people of Britain went to war with each other
0:09:35 > 0:09:38to decide whether they wanted the country ruled by a king
0:09:38 > 0:09:40or ruled by Parliament.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44With more details, it's over to Bob Hayle, with the civil war report.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 1625 and I hope you're dressed smartly,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50because here comes the King. Yes, it's King Charles I,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and from day one, he is stirring up trouble.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Mainly because he's supposed to be a Protestant,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57like the Church of England, but he keeps doing
0:09:57 > 0:10:00very Catholicy things, like marrying a Catholic, praying like a Catholic
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and wearing an I Love Catholics T-shirt, except not the last one.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And Charlie's behaviour annoys an awful lot of people,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08especially in Parliament down here in London.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11So Charlie tells them to take some time off, about ten years,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15leaving him in charge of the entire country, which is jolly good fun!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17But not for long. First, the Scots, sick of this bossy,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Catholic-loving King, start a war against him.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Then the Irish, sick of English people stealing all their land,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25start another war against him, and wars are very expensive.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29So Charlie brings back Parliament, so he can ask them for some money.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32They say, "No, because you tried to get rid of us, remember?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:35They give him a list of everything they don't like about him.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Well, talk about trouble. Over the next two years,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41the country divides in two, with some people siding with Charlie -
0:10:41 > 0:10:44the Cavaliers - and others siding with Parliament - the Roundheads.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Until in 1642, here in Nottingham,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Civil War is declared, and what a war it is!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53If we look at the fight-o-meter, we can see the first major battle,
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Edgehill, victory goes to no-one at all. Very dull, it's a dead heat.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00But in round two, in London, the winner is...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Oh, a great result for the Roundheads there, followed by...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06a real killing for the Cavaliers in the West Country.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09And then another win for the King up North, taking Bolton, Preston,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Wigan and Liverpool, where my cousin Ted runs a dry-cleaner's just off
0:11:12 > 0:11:15the High Street, half-price shirts on Wednesdays - worth remembering.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19But the King's luck can't last. It's complete murder at Marston Moor,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22followed by a knockout at Newbury and annihilation at Naseby.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25In fact, he's doing so badly, he's broken our thingy!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28But Charlie has an idea. He'll make a truce with the Scots if they'll
0:11:28 > 0:11:31help him fight the Roundheads, which is absolutely brilliant.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Except it doesn't work at all and they just hand him over to Parliament. Whoops!
0:11:35 > 0:11:40So the Roundheads win, the Cavaliers lose, and that is the end of that.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44But not for long. It soon becomes clear that the Roundhead leader, Oliver Cromwell,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46is about as much fun as stinging nettle underpants,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49so the Scots form an alliance with Charlie to overthrow Cromwell.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Yes, it's Civil War Part Two. With the Scots and the Cavaliers
0:11:53 > 0:11:55fighting on the same side, there's no way they can lose.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Or so we thought. Cromwell completely crushes both of them and it's goodbye civil war,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03goodbye Charlie's head, and goodbye kings and queens altogether.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Yes, Cromwell is now in charge of the country.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And with all the warring over, Olly can stop being mean to the Cavaliers
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and start being mean to the rest of us.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15He turns Britain into a puritan state, which means banning pretty much anything fun,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17including sport, theatre and Christmas.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And then he runs out of stuff to ban, gets bored and dies.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24So his son Richard takes over, but he's about as much use as a jelly pickaxe.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Before long, the people of Britain just want the petty puritans out and the crazy kings back.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Yes, Prince Charles is welcomed home with open arms.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34He becomes King Charles II and the monarchy is restored!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37It's the Restoration, which gives us all sorts of fun things -
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Restoration comedies. Restoration fashion. Restoration furniture.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Including this delightful mahogany bureau. £750 for the bureau?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46750 at the back.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I've got 800 for the bureau. Going once at 800.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54900 for the bureau, 900 at the back. 950 at the back. I've got £1,000.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Once at 1,000, twice... Sold for £1,000 to the beautiful lady with a beautiful bob haircut.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Back to you, Sam.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07After 11 years in exile in France,
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Charles II was crowned in Westminster Abbey on St George's Day, 1661.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Party on!
0:13:14 > 0:13:19# My name is, my name is My name is...Charles II!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# I love the people and the people love me
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# So much that they restored the English monarchy
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# I'm part Scottish, French, Italian A little bit Dane
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# But 100% party animal. Champagne?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32# Spaniels, I adore Named after me too
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# Like me, they were fun with a natty hairdo
0:13:34 > 0:13:37# Is today my birthday? I can't recall
0:13:37 > 0:13:40# Let's have a party anyway because I love a masked ball
0:13:40 > 0:13:44# All hail, the King of bling!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# Let's sing! Bells ring! Ding ding!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50# I'm the king who brought back partying
0:13:50 > 0:13:53# King Charles, my daddy, lost his throne, and kings were banned
0:13:53 > 0:13:55# They chopped off his head Then Olly Cromwell ruled the land
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# Old Olly wasn't jolly He was glum, and he was proud
0:13:58 > 0:14:01# Would be miserable as sin Only sinning's not allowed!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# When Olly died, the people said, "Charlie, me hearty
0:14:03 > 0:14:06# "Get rid of his dull laws! Come back, we'd rather party!"
0:14:06 > 0:14:08# This action's what they called the Monarchy Restoration
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- # Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration!- The King of Eng!
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- # No sin! Too sing!- OK!- Or anything!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22# All say, I'm the King who brought back partying
0:14:22 > 0:14:23# Great London Fire was a whopper
0:14:23 > 0:14:25# In my reign London city came a cropper
0:14:25 > 0:14:28# So this king did what was right and proper fought the fire
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# Proved I'm more than a bopper I'm a fire stopper!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34# Married Catherine Braganza She was a love so true
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# There would never be another Well, maybe one or two!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# Lucy Walter, Nell Gwyn Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers
0:14:40 > 0:14:43# You think that's bad but her name's not as silly as...
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- # Hortense Mancini!- As King, I must admit I broke the wedding rules
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# But who cares when I brought back the Crown Jewels?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# I reinstated Christmas, makeup sport and even plays
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# I was the Merry Monarch They were good old days
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- # When said and done King Charles... - That's me!- ..did run
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# England for fun
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# I was the King loved by everyone My song is done. #
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Party, anyone?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19'This is Victorian Dragon's Den.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23'It's Victorian Britain, an age of enterprise and industry
0:15:23 > 0:15:27'when many great inventions were, well, invented by inventors.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30'So, can any of tonight's candidates
0:15:30 > 0:15:33'convince the Dragons to put money behind their ideas?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36'First up, it's Mr Nathaniel Twonk.'
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Gentlemen and lady. Allow me to explain
0:15:39 > 0:15:43a most efficacious devised that I have invented.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48I call it the automatic bottle washer.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52This device will automatically wash bottles for hours on end
0:15:52 > 0:15:57without the need for attention or adjustment.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Ah!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Marvellous. Yes, I'm in.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- I'm in.- I'm in.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10'Our next hopeful inventor is Mrs Edwina Gruelbucket.'
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Gentlemen and madam, I wish to present you
0:16:15 > 0:16:19with a golden opportunity to invest in my most marvellous invention.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23The automatic potato harvester.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Wonderful.- I'm in.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- I'm in.- 'Well, it's been a good day for our hopefuls so far.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34'Let's see if Sir Chesterton Widebelly can make it a clean sweep.'
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Lady and gentlemen.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41I have invented something which I believe will truly change the world.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45I call it the vacuum cleaner.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55But what does it do?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58It sucks.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Oh, dear.- It sucks all right.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02'The dragons aren't impressed.'
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Never mind. - 'Can Chesterton win them round?'
0:17:06 > 0:17:10You could use this instead.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Ah, now, you see, that's more like it. Yes, I'm in.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- I'm in.- I'm in, yes.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23Children in Victorian times were used for all sorts of jobs.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27As a child, Charles Dickens was forced to work in a warehouse
0:17:27 > 0:17:28putting labels on shoe polish.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Dickens, though, was one of the lucky ones.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34He never had to do this job.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Hi, I'm a shouty man
0:17:36 > 0:17:40and I'm here to tell you about New Victorian Child,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42the chimney cleaning revolution.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47New Victorian Child cleans even the most difficult of bends. Don't you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And you can really see it working.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57The chimney flue on the left is clogged with dirt and soot,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01whereas the one on the right is completely soot-free.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's been cleaned with New Victorian Child.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05There it is now.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Help! I'm...I'm stuck.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And just look at the results.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Well, Victorian Child now has eye infection,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16skin irritation and breathing problems.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20But when you're chimney's this clean, who cares?!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23We'll even throw in this pack of pins
0:18:23 > 0:18:27to make sure your child remains motivated.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Agh!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Up you go, little fella!
0:18:31 > 0:18:36And what's more, New Victorian Child comes with a full guarantee.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40If it's injured, falls to its death, suffocates, is badly burned
0:18:40 > 0:18:42or gets too darn big,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45we'll just replace it with another poor child, free of charge.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49So, go on, try New Victorian Child today.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Shove a kid up your chimney and the dirt is gone.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Use before 1864, because then it's abolished.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05One of the most important events in Greek mythology is the Trojan War,
0:19:05 > 0:19:09which centred around that legendary beauty, Helen of Troy.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14It's a highly complicated tale, so here's the abridged version.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Daughter, it is time to choose a husband
0:19:25 > 0:19:28from all the kings and princes of Greece.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Yeah, whatever, I'll have that one.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Menelaus of Sparta is chosen.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Sweet as a nut, mate. Yes!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Helen,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44you is well fit.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Your face could launch a thousand ships, yeah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:53What is that supposed to mean? I think I've married an idiot.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56But then...another suitor turned up.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Sorry I'm late, yeah.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I'm Paris, Prince of Troy.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I'm here for the husband choosing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Mate, you is too late, yeah.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08This ship has already sailed and it's mine.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Captain Menelaus.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Wow!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15That Paris, he is well fit!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Menelaus won't mind if I run away to Troy with Paris.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23He'll forget about me in, like, no time.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Listen up, yeah.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I want all us Greek soldiers to march on Troy, you get me?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35We're going to tear that city up.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Kill them all, is it!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Yeah, it is.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Whoops!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Sorry, started a war!
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Rrr!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49SHE CHUCKLES
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Menelaus has brought a huge army to take you back to Greece, yeah.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55He's surrounded Troy.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57We is going to war!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00You boys!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Honestly!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Oh.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Bored now.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Helen, I've got well bad news. Paris is dead.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Which one's he again?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27My brother, the prince.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30That bloke you ran off with, the reason for this whole ten-year war.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Oh, yeah, I remember.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oooh, you is well fit.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Do you fancy getting married? - Yeah, if you like.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Me name's Deiphobus, by the way.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Whatever.- Friends call me Phobie.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Don't really care.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00All right, Menelaus? What is up, boo?
0:22:00 > 0:22:05I is destroyed Troy, Paris is dead, Dies...Daeus...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07that one is dead as well,
0:22:07 > 0:22:08and it's all cos of you, girl.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11What is you got to say for yourself? Ah!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Oh! You're really fit when you're angry.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Do you fancy getting back together again?- Yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18What am I like!
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Nobody really knows how much of the story of Troy is legend
0:22:25 > 0:22:26and how much fact.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31One of our literary sources is Homer's epic poem, the Iliad.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32But he was around
0:22:32 > 0:22:35some 450 years after the Trojan Wars had taken place.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Indeed, he was an oral poet, so the Iliad wasn't even written down
0:22:39 > 0:22:41until some years after that,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44making the Iliad a somewhat unreliable historical source.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's a little like a tabloid journalist today
0:22:47 > 0:22:51reporting on the early earthworks at Stonehenge...
0:22:51 > 0:22:53but with more fact-checking, and less libel.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02On Viking expeditions we could work out where we were
0:23:02 > 0:23:05by dredging up mud from the sea bed and looking at its consistency.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Not just a pretty face, eh?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12Yeah, we Vikings had some very cunning ways of navigating.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Come on! We must be close to land.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- What are you doing?- What? Nothing.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- Are we lost?- Don't be silly.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27You're supposed to be navigating.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30If you've got us lost, the captain'll feed your arms to the sharks.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31We're not lost.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35That's the sea and that's the sky and we're in-between them,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38on the sea and underneath the sky, which is where I thought we'd be.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Look at me. Are we lost?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Yes.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Right. Thought so.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Good thing I brought this, then, innit?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- What's in there?- A raven.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54We're in the middle of the sea, what use is a bird?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It's the latest Viking trick. This raven is very hungry.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01When I let it out of the box, it will soar up into the sky
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and if it sees land, it'll fly straight for it looking for food.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06All we have to do is follow.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Sat rav. Wow, what a good idea.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- We'll find land in no time. - Ready?- Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Fly, raven, fly!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I think it's a bit too hungry.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I probably should have fed it a little something.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Yes, Vikings really did use ravens to navigate.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32They used birds like ravens
0:24:32 > 0:24:35because they prey on land animals rather than fish,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39which means they would soar up high and search for the nearest land.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43It's actually a technique most of us are familiar with,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45as it was first mentioned in the Bible
0:24:45 > 0:24:48when Noah sends a dove to look for dry land
0:24:48 > 0:24:50and it returns with an olive branch,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53proving that either land WAS nearby,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55or that somewhere floating out in that floodwater
0:24:55 > 0:24:57there was an olive tree.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Now, the Vikings were very good at finding land,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04which was very bad news for those who lived there.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# Was the summer of 793
0:25:14 > 0:25:18# When we sailed across the great North Sea
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Comets crossed the skies that night
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# Must have known something wasn't right
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# We arrived upon your English shore
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# And you offered friendship But we wanted more
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# Yeah, so much more, whoa-oh-oh
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# We're tearing up this place tonight
0:25:39 > 0:25:40# Literally
0:25:42 > 0:25:45# We're gonna set this sleepy town alight
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Literally
0:25:48 > 0:25:51# We'll kill and steal and burn and drink
0:25:51 > 0:25:57# Cos us Vikings don't care what you thi-i-i-ink
0:25:57 > 0:25:59# Whoa-oh-oh
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# Let me in now, won't you, please?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# We're here to raid your monasteries
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# We're primed and ready to attack
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# And we love how monks just don't fight back
0:26:13 > 0:26:16# You'll die or become a slave to me
0:26:16 > 0:26:21# Though our slaves often get chucked in the sea, yeah
0:26:21 > 0:26:26# If the boat's heavy, yeah, yeah
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# You're gonna lose your head, my friend
0:26:29 > 0:26:30# Literally
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# We're gonna getcha in the end
0:26:35 > 0:26:36# Literally
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# Then I'll drink a toast from your skull
0:26:41 > 0:26:42# Cos we're Vikings
0:26:42 > 0:26:47# And that's we ro-o-o-oll
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# Whoa-oh-oh
0:26:49 > 0:26:51# Play that axe
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# We're gonna paint
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# The whole town red
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Literally
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# With the blood of the dead
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# Literally
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# We'll take everything that you own
0:27:13 > 0:27:18# And get back on our ship and go back ho-o-o-ome
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Whoa-oh-oh
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# We're going ho-o-o-ome
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Whoa-oh-oh
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# We're going ho-o-o-ome
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Whoa-oh-oh
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# We're going ho-o-o-ome
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Whoa-oh-oh
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# We are going home. #
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Well, that's it for this ramble through the more ridiculous recesses
0:27:45 > 0:27:47of the remote and more recent past.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I thought I'd let the final words go to Groucho Marx
0:27:50 > 0:27:52who, on his deathbed, said,
0:27:52 > 0:27:56"Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do."
0:27:56 > 0:27:57With that, good bye.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# We gave you all the fearsome facts The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# We showed you all the juicy bits
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Bursting out your TV screen
0:28:08 > 0:28:12# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# Horrible Histories. #