0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description, cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Romans, rotten, rank, and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:15# Caveman, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories we supply
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host is Stephen Fry
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:32# Welcome to Horrible Histories
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello! Welcome to Horrible Histories,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37the show where the most fascinating facts
0:00:37 > 0:00:39the past has to offer are served up with hot mustard
0:00:39 > 0:00:43by our rebellious rebel of highly silly sausages.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51King George III suffered a long illness
0:00:51 > 0:00:54but didn't die until he was 81,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58meaning his son had an awfully long wait to take the throne.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Ohh.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Oh, George, how do you do it? How do you look so fabulous?
0:01:07 > 0:01:12- George, you are worth it!- Your Highness, I have some dreadful news.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- Powdered wigs aren't coming back, are they?- It's far graver than that.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Sir, I must tell you, your father is dead.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Yes! Get in!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Get in! Uh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Sir, I think you may have misheard me.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Dad's dead! Dad's dead! Oh, gosh! I'm king!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Ah. You didn't. But, sir, shouldn't you be...upset?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Upset? I'm nearly 60 years old. I know I don't look it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- It's very good of you to say. - I wasn't going to...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I've been a bog-standard prince for nearly 60 years!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Nearly 60 years I've been waiting for him to kick the bucket!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Yes, but sir, I have to advise you that your subjects
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- will expect you to be grief-stricken. In floods of tears.- Tears?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- This is better than Christmas! - George! Have you heard the news?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- You bet I have! - Congratu-very-lations, Your Majesty!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05My Majesty.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Your Majesty!- My Majesty.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Your Majesty!- All right.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Sir, are you sure you can't squeeze out just a small tear?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Certainly not, thick wig! I only cry about things that matter.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22So, how do I look for my coronation?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Spectacular.- Look at my calves!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Very muscular! Very manly!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'll tell you a secret. It's padding.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Padding? Well, that explains the seat of your trouser.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36What?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Well, between yousies and mesies,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41there might be a tad too much pad on the old derriere.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Padding?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47There's no padding there!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52He thinks I'm fat! He thinks I'm fat!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You know what might help? What about if you wore a corset?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- I am wearing a corset! - HE WEEPS
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Well, at least he's crying now.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Oh! Oh, the poor prince!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I'm not a prince, I'm a king now!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Now get out!- He's a king!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Out!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14HE WEEPS
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'm fat!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I need a chocolate.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Yes, George IV clearly didn't want his long-awaited coronation
0:03:23 > 0:03:26to be forgotten. It was the most expensive in British history
0:03:26 > 0:03:30costing what in modern terms would be about £19 million.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33George famously didn't get on with his wife,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and fearing she would make a scene at his coronation,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39hired boxers to keep her out of Westminster Abbey.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43One of them was a freed slave called Bill Richmond.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47We're ringside for Horrible Histories Boxing!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Thanks. It looks like tonight will be a real cracker! Let's meet the fighters.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56First up, we've got London's finest, the huge, the undefeated
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes. Let's take a look at Tough Tom in action.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare-knuckle boxing,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Yeah!
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Next up, it's the newcomer, all the way from New York in the USA,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17it's the comparatively smaller Bill Richmond.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Bill was born a slave of New York, USA, and learned his trade
0:04:20 > 0:04:23boxing for entertainment at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I have to say, he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- I think this is going to be carnage. - Certainly looks that way.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Seconds out, round one!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- And Tough Tom is really fired up for this one.- I can't watch.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Hold on, what was that? It looks like Bill Richmond has got out of the way
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- of one of Tough Tom's punches. - Is that allowed?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I guess.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Oh! He's got out of the way of another one! Extraordinary.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Nobody has ever got out of the way in the history of boxing.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Although, when you come to think about it,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59not letting your opponent hit you in the face is not a bad idea.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01He's invented a whole new technique.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Makes me wonder why nobody got out of the way before.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Ohh! He's floored him! He has floored him!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Oh, and it looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- You're out!- And Bill "Get Out Of The Way" Richmond is the winner.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Back to the studio.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29On September 7th 1940,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Hitler turned his Blitzkrieg strategy on Britain,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36sending the Luftwaffe on devastating night-time bombing raids
0:05:36 > 0:05:40of British cities. Every home in London needed an air-raid shelter.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And there were two different sorts available,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46with the Anderson shelter given out free to poor families.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Hello, people of Britain.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I'm here to tell you how to stay nice and safe during an air raid
0:05:52 > 0:05:55with the new Anderson bomb shelter.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It comes with easy-to-follow assembly instructions.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Simply dig a hole in your garden
0:06:00 > 0:06:03and with the magic of wood, corrugated iron
0:06:03 > 0:06:05and a bit of elbow grease, hey presto!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08One Anderson bomb raid shelter!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- There's plenty of room for everyone! - Budge up!- Give over!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15You could be in here for up to six hours during a bombing raid
0:06:15 > 0:06:19so remember to bring a good book. War And Peace! Good choice!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- Oh, would you stop it? - The Anderson bomb shelter
0:06:23 > 0:06:25comes with its own en suite toilet.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Oh, yuck! Where's my gas mask?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32It could save your life, so don't delay,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35build your Anderson bomb shelter today!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And introducing the new Morrison shelter.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43If you've not got a garden, then this little beauty could be for you!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46It makes a lovely addition to any London home.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50You can even play table tennis on it! My point, I think.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Be safe from those bombs with the new Morrison shelter.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58EXPLOSION Oh, dear. Budge up.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:07:05 > 0:07:08# They're funny cos they're true
0:07:08 > 0:07:10# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Hope next time it's not you
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They had slits up the side. What's the point in...
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Your legs would get cold. Yes, er, next please.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- And you are?- A businessman from London during the Blitz.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Oh, no, a cockney. Here we go again.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Let me guess, killed by a bomb was it, guv?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32No, it's a bit more embarrassing than that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Oh! Goody gumdrops! Do go on.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Well, one night, I was on the train home from work during a blackout.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41A "black-aart"?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44To stop the German bombers from finding London,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46every night they'd have a blackout, no lights allowed.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Oh, blackout! Oh, I see!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Or rather, I don't! - HE LAUGHS
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Keep up, guys, keep up. Do go on.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58So there I was on my train home and suddenly the train came to a halt.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And I thought, "Well, this is my station".
0:08:00 > 0:08:05So I'm tootling off the train and suddenly, "Whoaaaa!"
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Fell 30 feet to my death. - Very good, but...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Turns out the train was just waiting on a railway bridge.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Oh! - HE LAUGHS
0:08:16 > 0:08:18And you thought it was the platform and...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- HE LAUGHS - That is priceless!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25You had a one-way ticket straight down!
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Good! I like it, I like it. Hm? Yes, I agree.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Shut up, Louis! Ooh. Who would've thought that?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Well done, you've got two yeses, you're into the afterlife.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Oh, thank you kindly.- Enjoy the trip. - Oh, cheers, yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Referring to the trip... - Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:08:44 > 0:08:50- Whoo-whoo!- Enjoy. I liked him. Good smile. Kids will love him.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# Hope next time it's not you
0:08:55 > 0:08:58It was so dangerous in the cities during the war
0:08:58 > 0:09:01that approximately two million bowels were evacuated.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Children! Children were evacuated to the country
0:09:04 > 0:09:07where they'd be far safer.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'He had been evacuated from the city
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- 'to a foster home in the country.' - This is your new home now, Charlie,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17until the Germans stop bombing London. Don't worry.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- You'll be safe here. - Can I go play, Mrs Jones?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Of course, Charlie. Mind you don't come to any harm.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25'But here he was to face something
0:09:25 > 0:09:28'even more terrifying than German bombs.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32'It was like nothing he'd ever seen before in the city.'
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- COW MOOS - Arghhh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Arghhh!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44It had horns to butt with and it made a terrifying noise!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- COW MOOS - Argh!
0:09:46 > 0:09:51It has six legs and it had a tail on which hangs a brush!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Don't be silly, Charlie. It's just a cow.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59- Arghhh!- 'Everything was new, everything was scary,'
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- SHEEP BAAS - Arghhh!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- COCKEREL CROWS - Arghhh!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10There's nothing to be scared of, Charlie. They're just farm animals.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Why don't you go and have a nice relaxing bath?- A bath?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Are you trying to drown me? Arghhh!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21'The Farm. Just when you thought it was safer in the country.'
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It is.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Ancient Greece was divided into a number of different city states.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34There was Athens, famous for its culture,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Delphi, famous for its oracle, and Sparta,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41famous for its proud army of fearsome warriors, like me.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Go, Sparta!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- And you must be?- Linda and Nigel. We're Archelaus's parents.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Archelaus? I see.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- What's wrong?- Well, I've been meaning to speak to you
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- about your son's behaviour for some time.- Is he in trouble?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Well, I have a list here of what he's been up to in the last week alone.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Screaming, shouting, fighting with other pupils,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- attacking the teachers.- Really? - Bringing weapons to school, cheating,
0:11:13 > 0:11:19lying, stealing, bullying. I mean, the list goes on and on.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24- Mr and Mrs Archelaus, your son... - BOTH: Yes?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26..is the perfect Spartan child.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30He is going to make a fantastic Spartan warrior.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- You must be very proud. - I'm very proud!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36All right. it is a Spartan school, so don't cry.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Spartan children were taught to be deceptive, sneaky,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and above all, stoical.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48One story tells of a whipping contest
0:11:48 > 0:11:51where the children were whipped until they cried out.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56One child refused to make a noise and eventually died.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Spartan schools had an alternative attitude towards education.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Hey! All you helots, you zealots,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06you Peloponnesians, you Lacedaemons,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09all of Leonidas's army, let's get barmy
0:12:09 > 0:12:12for the Spartan School Musical!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15ALL: Go Spartans!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Whoo!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Come on!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30# Today I'm starting high school, where boys are turned to men
0:12:30 > 0:12:33# I've packed my sword and shield, we don't use paper and pen
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- # Everyone's a jock here - # We don't have Spartan nerds
0:12:36 > 0:12:39# The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds
0:12:39 > 0:12:42# We're taught to love a fight, we're taught not to be meek
0:12:42 > 0:12:44# And if we're good they feed us three square meals every week
0:12:44 > 0:12:47ALL: # Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is excitin' now
0:12:47 > 0:12:50# Rockin' at the Spartan School
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Come on!- Whoo!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57# At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss, that's understood
0:12:57 > 0:13:00# I smack 'em if they're naughty, and I thwack 'em if they're good
0:13:00 > 0:13:04# I'm feeling rather peckish I'm gonna steal some food
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# Caught! I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood
0:13:06 > 0:13:09# We promise not to steal, we're not the thieving sort
0:13:09 > 0:13:12# Stealing is considered good, what's wrong is getting caught
0:13:12 > 0:13:15ALL: # Let's get beaten now Learn lies and cheatin' now
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Rollin' at the Spartan School
0:13:19 > 0:13:22# We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best
0:13:22 > 0:13:25# The meanest leanest toughest roughest Spartan contest
0:13:25 > 0:13:28# This one is my favourite game, lashings of good fun
0:13:28 > 0:13:31# Didn't feel a thing! I want my mum
0:13:31 > 0:13:34# We pass our last exam and it's Spartan graduation
0:13:34 > 0:13:37# Straight away we go to work, no time for celebration
0:13:37 > 0:13:40# Ten years active service in the army, no diversions
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# There's only one job for a Spartan - killing loads of Persians
0:13:43 > 0:13:45# Wondering about love? It's banned until you're 30
0:13:45 > 0:13:48# High school doesn't teach romance, it teaches fighting dirty
0:13:48 > 0:13:51ALL: # Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is excitin' now
0:13:51 > 0:13:54# Rockin' at the Spartan School Let's get beaten now
0:13:54 > 0:13:59# Learn lies and cheatin' now Rollin' at the Spartan School
0:14:03 > 0:14:06In Middle Ages France, there was a prophecy that
0:14:06 > 0:14:10the country would be saved by a young maid from the region of Lorraine.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Which, as it happens, is where a certain Joan of Arc came from.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Joan of Arc.- What?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- Are you Joan of Arc?- Yeah. - I am a vision of St Michael.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I've been sent by God to find you. - Pull the other one.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32No, seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- in a righteous battle against the oppressive English invaders.- Nah!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- There must have been a mix-up. - Why would you say that?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Well, because, A, I'm just an illiterate peasant,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46C, I'm a girl, and A, I'm 14!
0:14:46 > 0:14:51I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- but military leadership, not so much.- Well, he definitely said.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- I wrote it on my hand and everything. - Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc,
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- the bloke next door? - MAJESTIC MUSIC
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- Did someone call?- John, have you been waiting on God to call on you
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?- Yes, I have.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- No, look, it definitely says Joan. - Right. Erm...
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Sorry, John. False alarm.- OK. Well, I'm just next door if you need me,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- so bye.- Stay cool.- Yep.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- Sorry, mate. - So, erm, what am I supposed to do?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Convene with God, predict the future,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30lead the French army to glorious victory
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- and restore the king to his throne. - Beats sweeping up!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- I bet, yeah.- OK. Er... Oh.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Who will darn the villagers' socks? - I'm sure we'll think of something.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Ow! This is definitely what God wants?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51But, I mean, look...
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Joan of Arc convinced the French king to let her lead his army
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and with the additional help of some Scottish soldiers,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00she defeated the English at the Siege of Orleans.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Yes, in the Middle Ages, some people were driven to unusual things
0:16:04 > 0:16:07by their belief in God, and none perhaps more so
0:16:07 > 0:16:10than followers of a movement called Flagellantism.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Agh!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Agh!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Ooh!- Give us your money!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Or I'll whack you with my cudgel!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22You'll hit me with your cudgel? What sort of a threat is that?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I'm whipping myself with a steel-tipped whip here.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Look what you made me do. I'm meant to be abstaining from talking.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I'll have to whip myself again now as punishment. Agh!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Why aren't you supposed to talk? - Because I'm a flagellant.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I'm atoning for my sins by wandering from town to town
0:16:40 > 0:16:43silently whipping myself. I've opened my gob again now!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Agh!- Give us your money or I'll... I'll...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Yes? Agh!- I'll hit you with my cudgel
0:16:50 > 0:16:54and I'll cut your feet off and gouge your eyes out!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- That might be quite helpful, actually.- What?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Well, like I say, I'm a flagellant.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I'm trying to suffer as Jesus did so that God will save my soul.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I'm thinking the more suffering, the better, so do your worst. Ohh!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Well, if you won't give me your money, I'll have to help myself!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Ohh! Oh, that's disgusting!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yeah, I know. As well as the whipping,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20we flagellants are also forbidden to wash, shave or change our clothes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Ohh!- You're not right in the head!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Here, hang on! You haven't even got any money!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Nah. That's the other thing about us flagellants.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37We believe money to be the root of all evil. Ohh! So I'm penniless.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, what's the point?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I'm a hopeless thief!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Why don't you give it up, eh? Come on the road with me?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- It'll mean you'll go to heaven. - You're on.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I am a sinner.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Aghh! How long do we have to do this for?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, Jesus lived for 33 and a third years,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02so we'll keep this up for 33 and a third days.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- 33 and a third days? - No talking in front!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Ow! Ow!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Ow! Ow!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Don't miss this week's News Of The Empire exclusive!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It's our Caesar special!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24He defeated the Gauls in France and invaded Britain!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I came, I saw, I conquered.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I... I caught a cold.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33The weather was terrible so I came home again. Atchoo!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Now, Rome's greatest general has gone from hero to zero! Yes!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39JC's reputation is in meltdown
0:18:39 > 0:18:43because he's started going out with the Queen of Egypt.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Has Cleopatra really stolen his heart?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49So what if she has? My wife won't mind.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51We reveal the truth behind the rumours.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Has Cleo really had Caesar's baby?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Well, here's a clue. He's called Caesarean.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- He has got my nose, I suppose. - BABY CRIES
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- Ohh! There, there, it's not that big.- All right!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Plus, it's a fashion faux pas
0:19:07 > 0:19:10as Caesar is spotted wearing these red boots,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12just like the last king of Rome.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16We ask, is Caesar getting too big for his own boots?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I just like the colour. It doesn't mean to say I want to be king. What?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23OK, so I have declared myself dictator for life, but...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And exclusive! The knives are out for Caesar.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29In our assassination pull-out special,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32we list the senators plotting to stab him in the back!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Wait a minute, who wants to kill me? - Find out tomorrow!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38No, no, no, seriously, who wants to kill me?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Only in this week's News Of The Empire!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44A cracking good read! Although, it is all in Latin.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Caesar ended up being assassinated,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50leaving his Roman wife to grieve
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and his Egyptian lover to plan her next move,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55which consisted of replacing Caesar
0:19:55 > 0:19:58with his close friend, Mark Antony.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo. Excellent!
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Thanks for the add. Smiley hieroglyph.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- RINGING - It's him!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- Hello, Queen Cleopatra! - How yourself!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile
0:20:30 > 0:20:33and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Yeah, I did have my sister, Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38but she died in suspicious circumstances.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44but she was executed.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Then there were my half-brothers,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt is a dangerous job, Cleo.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Do you never get scared?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- SHE LAUGHS - Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Yeah.- Now he's dead.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Yeah. About that,
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- there's now a vacancy, so do you want to go out with me?- No.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Oh, please, please, please! I'll put you on my top-ten friends list.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Oh, OK. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28More like a top-two friends list. Who's this other one?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Oh, yeah, that's my sister Arsinoe. - At last!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33A member of your family who isn't dead!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Mm, about that...
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- Cleo!- Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne
0:21:40 > 0:21:42so I need to have Arsinoe killed.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant, do you?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Please, please, please!- Oh, OK.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55There we go! Nasty business but had to be done.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Now you and me can rule the Egyptian empire in peace.- Right, great.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- COMPUTER BINGS - Oh. Oh, what was that noise?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Did something go wrong?- Oh, yeah.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It says there's a problem with the transaction.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I probably just need to update my PapyrusPal account.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Oh.- What? What is it?- Yeah.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Turns out Arsinoe was on the steps of a sacred temple
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- when you murdered her. - When I murdered her?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- What are we going to do?- Well, if we want to die with dignity,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman army get to us.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34What? Oh, this is most inconvenient!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Oh, well, I suppose... - No, wait, I suppose we could
0:22:38 > 0:22:41pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Ohhh. Now you tell me, Cleo.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You are literally the worst girlfriend I've ever had
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- and I've had some shockers. - HE GROANS
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same, then. Er...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04That's quite a regal way to go. An asp!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Perfect! How much?
0:23:07 > 0:23:1020 bronze coins for packaging?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Well, I suppose it is quite a long tube.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Now, the traditional theory maintains that Cleopatra
0:23:17 > 0:23:19killed herself with a venomous snake.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24However, recently historians have suggested she drank poison instead
0:23:24 > 0:23:26as it would've been a less painful way to die.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Though this would've had quite ruinous consequences
0:23:29 > 0:23:33for all the "nice asp" jokes on Carry On Cleo.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Shiver me timbers, Daggers.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Daggers McCor! Is that you, you salty sea dog?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52No. You must be mistaking me for somebody else.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55No I'm not. Why are you wearing a false beard?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Shhh!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I'm in disguise.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Me life is in danger. I tried to stage a mutiny on ship
0:24:03 > 0:24:05and now Captain Grey is baying for me blood.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08But he's a fellow pirate. He wouldn't just kill you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14He's have to warn you first by sending you A LITTLE NOTE!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18No, I think you mean by sending me THE BLACK SPOT!
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Yes, pirate shorthand for "We're going to kill you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"If you stick around, you'll be killed.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"If you try and run, you'll be killed."
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Yes, thank you, that's making me feel so much better.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Yeah, but it's fine, because you haven't received the black spot.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Not yet, but now I'm out in the open, it could happen at any moment.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- The black spot! It's the black spot! - No, no, no. No, no.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I was writing my shopping list earlier and my quill pen broke
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- and I spilt some ink.- Right. Well, my goodness, that's a relief.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Cos for a moment, I did think... The black spot!
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- It's the black spot!- No, no, no. I was having squid in ink for my dinner
0:24:59 > 0:25:01and a bit must have splashed on my sleeve.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Right. I thought that was... The black spot! The black spot!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08That's Warty Wendy. She was born like that.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10She's got another one...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13It's the black spot! It's the black spot!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16It's the black spot! It's the black spot!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- This could take some time. - It's the black spot!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- It's the black spot! - Daggers, calm down.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Look, you're not going to get killed
0:25:24 > 0:25:29unless you receive a note with the black spot on it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32And I think it would've happened by now.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36I suppose you're right. Thanks for setting me straight, mate.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Anyway, best be off.- Night, Daggers.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Well, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48GUNSHOT Oh.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I stand corrected.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Well, many historians now believe that the black spot
0:25:56 > 0:25:59was probably a literary invention by Robert Louis Stevenson,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02author of Treasure Island, although we'll never know for sure.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Honestly, these fiction writers and their filthy lies.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10One thing we do know for sure was that Captain Blackbeard
0:26:10 > 0:26:13was the vilest pirate on the high seas.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# When I was a nipper I boarded a clipper
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# Sailed the seas as a goods importer, oh
0:26:25 > 0:26:28# Edward Teach is my name but I earned my fame
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# As Blackbeard, the pirate of the water, oh
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# Was a jolly chap with a jaunty cap
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# Always gave my crew good quarter, oh
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# But I'm best known for blood and guts and gore
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh
0:26:43 > 0:26:45ALL: # Best known for blood and guts and gore
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# Left my home in Bristol with a sword and pistol
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# Bid a fond farewell to old Blighty, oh
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# What my enemies feared was my thick black beard
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# Which I always enjoyed setting light to, oh
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# Once I had a thing for a captive's lovely ring
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# That shone like a jewel in the night, ee-oh
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# When the man said no, I just said, "Oh!"
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# And I chopped off his hand and said righty-oh
0:27:13 > 0:27:16ALL: # Man said no, he said oh
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Chopped off his hand and said righty-oh
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# Oh, I loved to sail the ocean
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# With my flag that inspired emotion
0:27:27 > 0:27:30ALL: # With its smiling pile of skull and bones
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# And I loved to escape detection
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# And to win my crew's affection
0:27:39 > 0:27:42ALL: # Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# On his belt that were for protection
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# I was awfully nice but I had the odd vice
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Which occasionally caused a commotion
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# The thing that I'd do was shoot members of my crew
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# If they didn't show enough devotion
0:27:57 > 0:28:00ALL: # The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# If they didn't show enough devotion
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Once when very irate, I shot my first mate
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# Israel Hands, for a bit of pleasure, oh
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# And when my debts grew, killed half my crew
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# To increase my share of the treasure, oh
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Was doing well then seemed to run out of men
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# My captors boarded at their leisure, oh
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Smote me dead then cut off my head
0:28:23 > 0:28:27# And displayed it on my mast for good measure, oh
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# Smote him dead, chopped off his head
0:28:29 > 0:28:34# Displayed it on the mast for good measure, oh
0:28:35 > 0:28:38So, we trundle to the tail-end of time
0:28:38 > 0:28:41and I leave you with the final words of the great Oscar Wilde.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45"My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"One or other of us has to go."
0:28:47 > 0:28:50With that, goodbye.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts
0:28:52 > 0:28:55# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz, we showed you all the juicy bits
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean
0:28:58 > 0:29:01# Bursting out your TV screen
0:29:01 > 0:29:03# The past is no longer a mystery
0:29:03 > 0:29:08# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:12 > 0:29:12.