0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description, cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:15# Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we supply
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, it's Stephen Fry
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Horrible Histories,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37the show where the past lives and breathes,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40aided only by the heart monitor of research,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42the oxygen mask of analysis,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and the iron lung of downright silliness.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Emperor Elagabalus came to power when he was just a teenager.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57And like many teenagers, he enjoyed nothing more
0:00:57 > 0:00:59than playing pranks on people.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03'Four Romans, four banquets, 400 courses.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'Yes, it's Roman Come Dine With Me.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11'Tonight, teenage emperor, Elagabalus, cooks for his guests.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15'The young emperor's reputation
0:01:15 > 0:01:18'has some of his guests nervous before they even arrive.'
0:01:18 > 0:01:22I'm a bit scared to be honest. Elagabalus is a bit crazy.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25A friend of mine was invited to one of his feasts
0:01:25 > 0:01:27and he made them eat live parrots.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Imagine trying to swallow all those feathers.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It would make you sick as a parrot.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33AGRAFINA SIGHS
0:01:33 > 0:01:36'So, how is the prankster planning to impress his guests tonight?'
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Well, tonight, I thought I'd just do something really easy.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It's easy cos I'm not making it, my slaves are.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- EMPEROR LAUGHS - What are you cooking?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I'm going to do camel's feet with scooped out flamingo brain
0:01:49 > 0:01:52and, er...some nice stuffed snails.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Oh.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Then we've got the sow's udders, the jellyfish...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I'm going to do a dormouse, which is rolled in...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01..I've got jackdaws,
0:02:01 > 0:02:05I've got horse-meat sausages and rotten fish guts
0:02:05 > 0:02:09and, of course, peas - with little nuggets of gold.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13That sounds like a really nice starter. What's the main?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20'Agrafina is the first to arrive and there's a shock in store.'
0:02:20 > 0:02:22AGRAFINA SCREAMS
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- EMPEROR LAUGHS - Don't tread in those!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Those are the guts of some people I had sacrificed earlier.- Ergh!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30They're there to tell the future.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32And the guts say...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"My pudding is going to be so scrummy,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37"you won't literally believe it."
0:02:37 > 0:02:40'Elagabalus checks on the food,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42'while his guests snoop round the palace.'
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- I wonder what's in here?- Oh! - No, no, don't go in there, please.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, come on. It can't be THAT bad!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- LION ROARS > - Arrgh!- Oh, my God!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There's a lion in here!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56EMPEROR LAUGHS
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I hid a lion in there. Ha-ha!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Random! Ha-Ha!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05'The guests who survived the lion, join their host for dinner.'
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Tuck in!
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- Arrgh! That's rock hard. - That's because it is rock.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I gave you bits of wax and stone that are made to look like food,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21while I get the real food,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24which is actually really nice. Mmmm.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26How mad am I? How mad am I? Ha!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Eat it.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30CRUNCH!
0:03:30 > 0:03:31EMPEROR LAUGHS
0:03:31 > 0:03:33CRUNCH!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36'Time for some scores.'
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Well, I slipped on human guts.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I was attacked by a lion and forced to eat rocks,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45so, I'm going to give him a II out of...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49If you give me a bad score, I'll have you executed. So...
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- So, I'm going to give him, X out of X.- Sweet!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- I got you a doggy bag because I'm so generous.- Thank you.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59It's an actual dead dog.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I'm so random! Stay in touch, yeah?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06SPLAT!
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Perhaps unsurprisingly, Elagabalus was eventually assassinated,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13aged just 18, after four years as emperor.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17His head was cut off and his naked body dragged all over the city
0:04:17 > 0:04:19before being thrown into the river,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22a fate that no 18-year-old should face -
0:04:22 > 0:04:26unless it's part of a university rugby club initiation, of course.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Deceased is a male,
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Stone-Age cave dweller,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46early 30s.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Cause of death... One, two, three, four, five, six...
0:04:49 > 0:04:5217 arrows fired directly into the chest.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Noooo!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Oh, no, no, sorry, that was us. We did that when we found him.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You fired 17 arrows into the corpse of your loved one?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05It's just an old Stone Age mark of respect.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08OK. We'll ignore the arrows. Em...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Oh!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Probable cause of death is the victim having his head sliced open
0:05:14 > 0:05:16and his brains removed.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18CAVEWOMAN HOWLS
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Oh, no, sorry, we did that too.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You sliced his head open and removed his brains?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Just our little tribute. Another Stone Age ritual for the dead.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Also present, a piece of raw, rotting meat.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- DI BONES SNIFFS MEAT - Could be poisoned.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Sorry, we left that for him as well.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's to keep him going through the afterlife till he catches food.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Never mind the afterlife, I'm trying to work out what sent him there!
0:05:43 > 0:05:49Ah-ha! Traces of a suspect red powder.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Yeah, that'll be make-up. Us again, sorry.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54We wanted him to look his best.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56He looks great with 17 arrows in his chest
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and half his head lopped off(!)
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's what he would have wanted.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I suppose the dead dog was you as well?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04He might get lonely in the afterlife.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- What's the big bear for? - BEAR GROWLS
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, no, that wasn't us. That's what killed him.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- BEAR ROARS - Ah.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Cause of death was the big... BIG bear!
0:06:13 > 0:06:19Big bear! Big bear! Big bear...!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Yes, what you saw there were all burial phenomena,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27discovered on different Stone Age skeletons from across the globe.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Finds have revealed that cavemen
0:06:30 > 0:06:31used to practise trepanning,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35wherein a hole is cut in the skull, exposing the brain.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It goes without saying, you should never attempt this technique
0:06:39 > 0:06:41without a qualified caveman.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's amazing what they managed to get up to
0:06:43 > 0:06:47with only stone tools available.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50'New from Stone Age Tools, comes a brand new set of Stone Age tools.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53'Yes, it's the all-purpose Stone Age Tool Set
0:06:53 > 0:06:56'for all those Stone Age tasks that need doing around the cave.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58'Including...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01'Useful for cutting.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02'And...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05'Good for slicing.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06'Plus...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08'For chopping.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12'And now...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14'Great for hammering.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18'That's not all, because order today
0:07:18 > 0:07:21'and get this Sharp Stone free!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24'Be the sharpest tool in the box,
0:07:24 > 0:07:25'buy the Stone Age Tool Set, today!'
0:07:25 > 0:07:28'Sharp Stone can cause injury.'
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Arrghh!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34'Sharp Stones and Blunt Stones.'
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Label!
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Oh! Primitive as Stone Age tools may seem,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45recently, some archaeologists have argued
0:07:45 > 0:07:49that the use of these tools shaped the way we evolved,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52making our nails less sharp, our eyesight less keen,
0:07:52 > 0:07:56our jaws less robust and our brains smaller.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59In short, technology simplified our bodies.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03I dread to think what my iPad's doing to me.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Hello and welcome to The News At When.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20When? The 1000s. In South America the Incas have emerged
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and set about building their very own empire.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26They have an incredible story of how it all happened.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Some of it is true, a lot of it probably isn't.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Here, anyway, is Bob Hale with the Incan report. Bob...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Thank you, Sam. Well, the year is 1070 or thereabouts.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38That is Peru and the Incan people
0:08:38 > 0:08:41are about to magically appear from a cave.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It sounds weird and you don't have to believe the story,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45the important thing is, the Incans did.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49One generation told it to the next, who told it to the next,
0:08:49 > 0:08:53just like I'm telling it to you now, but without the fetching tie.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57First out of the cave we have Manco, followed by his brothers, sisters
0:08:57 > 0:08:59and the rest of the Incan people.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Manco appoints himself leader and to ensure he stays that way,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05promptly kills all his brothers. Better safe than sorry!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Then he marries his sister, yuck! They have children, yuck!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10They settle in a place called Cuzco, yuck!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It's yuck for the people who live there
0:09:12 > 0:09:14because the Incans kick them out. See ya!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17So, Manco becomes the first Lord of Cuzco.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20The Incans have a place to call home and that is the end of that.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23But not for long! When Manco pops his socks,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25there's an argument over which son will replace him.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Mrs Manco sorts it out. She wants it to be her favourite son, Sinchi.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32So, she dresses him up in this pure gold tunic,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34one that's almost as fetching as my tie,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38and pretends that he's the Sun God, a plan which unbelievably works.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42No-one argues with a Sun God and Sinchi becomes second Lord of Cuzco.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44But not for long!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46After inventing the official royal haircut,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Sinchi is replaced by Lord Lloque, who is so ugly
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- his wife can't bear to look at him. - Argh!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54He looks like a plate of mince. Unlucky, Lloque.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Then comes this big bully, a chap called Mayta. He's big!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00By the age of one, he was the size of an eight-year-old child.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Just imagine the nappies. Yuck!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Then comes his son, Capac, known as the Unforgettable Prince
0:10:06 > 0:10:09and is then...promptly forgotten about. We know nothing about him.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- He was followed by his son, Roca... - BOB IMITATES GUITAR THRASH
0:10:13 > 0:10:15..who was followed by his son, Yahua,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17who was murdered by his son Viracocha,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21who, unsatisfied with being Lord of Cuzco, insists on being called God.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Big headed? Much!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Think that's arrogant? Check out what he gets up to.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Not content with ruling Cuzco, he takes over neighbouring lands
0:10:29 > 0:10:31and soon, bullying becomes the family business.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Yes, along comes his son, Pachacuti and his grandson, Topa
0:10:34 > 0:10:37who take over enough land to create the one and only...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39TA-DA, Incan empire!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And that is the end of that.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Or so we thought! Then in 1493, Huayna becomes the Incan emperor.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48While he's off conquering Ecuador, up there,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51trouble turns up, back down in Cuzco, trouble that looks like this.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54ALIENS! No, no, not really. It's germs.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58A plague from Bolivia, sweeps up, killing thousands of Incans.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01What does Huayna do? He rushes home, catches the plague, and dies.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05What an idiot! While the Incans die of plague, more trouble turns up.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08ALIENS! No, not really, it's the Spanish Conquistadors,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11who want the Incan gold. What do they bring with them?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14ALIENS! No, just even more germs, diseases from Europe this time.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Smallpox, which should've been Big Pox, cos it killed many Incans.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21So, after going from one tiny cave to an entire empire,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24the Incans are all but wiped out by Spanish greediness,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Incan weediness, wheezes, sneezes and diseases.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Not by knobbly knees-es, short-term leases, ceaseless sea breezes,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34winter freezes, the Japanese-es or this selection of Greek cheeses,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38including this crumbly feta to which, I am horribly allergic.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Ach, ach! Oh, no, I'm fine actually.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- OH, NO, I'M NOT! - THUD!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49One of the most brutal Incan emperors was Pachacuti
0:11:49 > 0:11:53and he found some very creative uses for dead enemies.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:59 > 0:12:03# I'm Pachacuti - the Incan Lord
0:12:03 > 0:12:05# All other tribes dreaded
0:12:05 > 0:12:09# My name means "he who shakes the earth"
0:12:09 > 0:12:11# Not that I'm bigheaded
0:12:12 > 0:12:15# When it comes to claiming nearby lands
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# I was the type to risk it
0:12:18 > 0:12:21# But it's how I treat dead enemies
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# That really took the biscuit
0:12:26 > 0:12:27# Do the Pachacuti
0:12:29 > 0:12:31# Do the Pachacuti
0:12:32 > 0:12:34# Do the Pachacuti
0:12:35 > 0:12:36# Pachacuti
0:12:43 > 0:12:46# Once on a hillside my troops hid
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# To cause a rival strife
0:12:49 > 0:12:52# And when they jumped out it looked like
0:12:52 > 0:12:54# The ground had come to life... #
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Boo!- Ahh!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58# The rocks they are my warriors
0:12:58 > 0:13:02# I then used to boast
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# And that little lie helped us win wars
0:13:04 > 0:13:07# But violence helped the most
0:13:09 > 0:13:11# Do the Pachacuti
0:13:12 > 0:13:14# Do the Pachacuti
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Do the Pachacuti
0:13:19 > 0:13:20# Pachacuti
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# If you were a rival chief
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# We'd kill you first and then
0:13:26 > 0:13:30# We'd stuff you like a scarecrow
0:13:30 > 0:13:31# But one for scaring men... ½
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Ahhh!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# Then we'd rest your bony fingers on
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# The stretched skin of your belly
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# And in the breeze they'd tap that tum
0:13:42 > 0:13:45# Like a drummer...but more smelly
0:13:47 > 0:13:48# Do the Pachacuti
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# Do the Pachacuti
0:13:53 > 0:13:54# Do the Pachacuti
0:13:56 > 0:13:59# Pachacuti. #
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Pachacuti's greatest achievement was the magnificent Peruvian city,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Machu Picchu, built on top of a mountain ridge
0:14:06 > 0:14:08nearly 2,500 metres above sea level.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It was never found by the Spanish Conquistadores,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14so it remains in good condition to this day,
0:14:14 > 0:14:19safely preserved under a layer of soot from all the tourist buses.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27The origins of the so-called Great War are really simple.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Hmph. No, they're not.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31They're complicated, really complicated
0:14:31 > 0:14:35and by really complicated, I mean really complicated.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38So pay attention. Over to you, General.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Gentlemen, we face a most difficult decision, most difficult.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Oh, dear, sir. - Yes, now, tea or coffee?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- That is difficult, sir. - That's not the decision, you fool!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Isn't it, sir?- No, we face a much more difficult decision.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Gentlemen, we are facing a Great War.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- ALL: War!- Yes, war.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Why?- Why war?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Because an Austrian has been killed by a Serb, in Bosnia.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- And that means war. - ALL: Right.- I see.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Sir?- Yes, Meltravers?
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Why does an Austrian being killed by a Serb in Bosnia mean war, sir?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Because of Russia!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Ah!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Why?
0:15:16 > 0:15:21Because Russia supports Serbia and Austria supports Bosnia, and so on.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- I support Arsenal. - Shut up, Blenkinsop.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28So, an Austrian has been killed by a Serbian in Bosnia,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30which means Austria might invade Serbia,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and then Russia will invade Austria?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- Correct! Any questions? - Yes, sir.- What is it, Meltravers?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38How does this involve Britain, sir?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Well, Meltravers, who is your best friend?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Oh! Blenkinsop, sir. He's a spiffing fellow.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48If I were to punch Blenkinsop in the nose, what do you think you would do?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Well! Nobody punches Blenkinsop and gets away with it!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Thanks, old bean!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Exactly, exactly.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58So, Russia threatens Austria,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Austria's best friend will offer support.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- And who is Austria's best friend? - Not Blenkinsop?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05No, Germany!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Germany is Austria's best friend, Meltravers.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Austria and Germany sitting in a tree,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
0:16:14 > 0:16:20Yes! So, if Russia were to attack Austria, Germany would attack Russia.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24But that would leave Germany undefended on the other side. So!
0:16:24 > 0:16:29If Germany were to attack Russia, she would also have to attack France.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30- France?- Yes, France.
0:16:30 > 0:16:37And if Germany were to attack France, it would leave Belgium threatened.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41And Belgium is our friend. So, we would hop in there to defend them.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45So, we've all got to go and fight in a war because of that, sir?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- Yes, Meltravers. - Well, I might get killed, sir!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Yes, you might, Meltravers, but it would all be for a good cause.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So, where is Bosnia, again?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58OH!
0:17:02 > 0:17:07The traditional image of pirates is from Stuart and Georgian times,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09buccaneers wearing dandy outfits,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12which they'd stolen off their rich victims.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15You see, pirates didn't just steal gold coins and jewellery,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18they stole anything that was considered valuable at the time,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20including sugar and maps.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Let's face it, who doesn't like sugar and maps?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Apart from failed geography teachers with diabetes.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29However, you might be a little surprised
0:17:29 > 0:17:33at something that one pirate thought would make him a bit of cash.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35SWAB THE DECK!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37This time I've excelled myself, Fisher.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Other pirates have got it all wrong.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Why risk life and limb, attacking ships on the high seas?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46When you can just steal a herd of cows from a field on dry land?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48COW MOOS
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Captain Basil Hood, pirate extraordinaire!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Check on the cows, will you?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Aye-aye, Captain.- We'll sell these cows for huge profit.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00This is quite simply my best plan ever.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Oh! The cows seem to be a bit seasick, sir.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Seasick?- There's a lot of spewing going on down there.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I've got vomit on the walls, on the ceiling,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- got some vomit on me. - FISHER RETCHES
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And the stench is... Oh, no!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Go clean it up, man!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Aye-aye, Captain.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23OK, maybe this wasn't my best plan...ever.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27It's no good, sir, there's just too much of it.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- FISHER BELCHES - Like a volcano of vomit, down there.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35I can't take this much longer. Ugh, what are we going to do?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Over there, sir, on the horizon, the Navy!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42If they see us, they'll arrest us.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44BOTH: We're over here!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46We're over here!
0:18:46 > 0:18:52Pirate Basil Hood, I'm arresting you for being a pirate.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Do you surrender to the English Navy?- I do, thank you very much.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Now please, can you take us on your nice, clean ship?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- COW MOOS - What was that?- Nothing.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Just ignore it. We'll board your ship now and surrender at once. Come on.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- COW MOOS - Stop! I definitely heard something.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13No, that was Fisher's stomach. FISHER GRUNTS AND GROANS
0:19:13 > 0:19:17That smell! What's that terrible, awful smell?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- It's... - COW MOOS
0:19:20 > 0:19:24My word! There's cattle down here and they're puking and spewing
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and...spewing and puking!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Oh!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33HE VOMITS
0:19:33 > 0:19:36This ship is disgusting! We're leaving!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40And you, Hood! You're free to go! Take your vomit ship with you!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43No, please don't leave. Please!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Abandon ship!- Oh!
0:19:45 > 0:19:50Next time, let's just stick to stealing treasure.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53HOOD AND FISHER VOMIT
0:19:53 > 0:19:57It doesn't matter how sick you got aboard ship,
0:19:57 > 0:20:02you really, really wouldn't want to have to see a pirate doctor.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Oh, you poor thing! That looks nasty. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23- I'll just see if there's a doctor around.- Yarrgh! Morning, nurse!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Morning. And you are? - One-eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I've got my chest, full of the finest pirate medicines.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Argh. Sea water.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Hemlock.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35That's poisonous, isn't it?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Only if I don't read the instructions, which I won't,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41cos they're all in Latin and I can't read anyway! Ha-harr!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Right. Let's have a look at you, me young swabby, argh.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Touch of scurvy, eh?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Well, there's not much a bit of blood-letting won't cure!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Removes all the toxins, so it does.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- But I haven't got scurvy. I've just got a cut on my leg.- Ahhh!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Why didn't you say so?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- We'll have it off in no time!- Off?!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do you?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- It's only a little cut. - Well, better safe than sorry.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Trust me, I'm a carpenter.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09A carpenter? Thought you said you were a doctor?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12We had a doctor, but he died!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14He just sawed off limbs, anyway.
0:21:14 > 0:21:20And I'm the ship's carpenter, so - I know me ways about a saw.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Say argh.- Ah...ARGH!- Argh! - ARGH!- Ha-Harr!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27You're a chatty one, ain't you?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Anything you can give him to ease the pain? Anaesthetic?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- No, I never heard of 'em. - Rum, maybe?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Don't mind if I do.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38PATIENT CROAKS
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Not so fast, laddie! Better see if he survives, first.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44No good wasting rum on the dead.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Nurse!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48The leg. Almost finished.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52All we've got to do now, is seal the wound.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- With stitches and a clean dressing? - NO! With a load of hot tar.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Argh!- ARGH!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Oh! THUD!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Ah! Good thinking, nurse!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Argh, ha-harr!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Here's your new leg.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Argh...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19After winning the English Civil War, and executing Charles I,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Oliver Cromwell ruled England as Lord Protector.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Being a strict Puritan, he disapproved of anything fun.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...! #
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- BOTH: Cousin Olly! - Merry Christmas, old bean!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Oh, relatives. How did you get past the guards?!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Thought we'd pop by to wish you a merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas. I've had it banned.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- We brought you a goose! - Guards!- What are you doing?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Christmas dinner is banned. It's sinful!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I've ordered the army to confiscate ALL roast geese. Guards!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Whoa, whoa, we'll lose the goose. It's fine.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- Why don't we all go down the pub or something?- Guards!- What now?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Pubs are banned. They are sinful.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Fine. Why don't we go to the theatre?- Guards!
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- Let me guess, banned? - Yes. It's sinful!- All right.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Why don't we go and have a festive kick about in the park?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Guards!- You can't ban sport it's...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23SINFUL!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25You must understand, these frivolous events
0:23:25 > 0:23:28distract us Puritans from our devotion to Christ.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31We have to do something, Lucy's all made-up.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- With make-up?- (Yes.)
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Guards!- Oh, come on!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Make-up is sinful!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Especially that eye shadow with that top.- What?- Nothing.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Wait a minute. I've got it! Why don't we go to church?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Church isn't sinful, is it? - No. Of course not.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- Well then, let's all go to church! - Guard! Seize them.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56It's against the law to go to church on Christmas Day.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- Take these sinners to prison! - What?- Wait.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yes?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Happy Christmas.- Oh!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Now lock 'em up and throw away the key!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10DOOR BANGS
0:24:10 > 0:24:12After Oliver Cromwell's death,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16his son, Richard, took over but he turned out to be...useless.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20So by popular request, the monarchy was restored.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23There were still plenty of Puritans in the country,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26particularly in Norfolk, who weren't very happy,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28but then, that's Puritans for you.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30And that's Norfolk for you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36'This is Mr and Mrs Miserable,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40'the deeply religious, Puritan family from Norwich.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43'And they're doing a Wife Swap with...Mr and Mrs Merry,
0:24:43 > 0:24:48'the party-mad, Restoration family from London.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50'The Puritan family want to ban parties
0:24:50 > 0:24:55'and the Restoration family want to party all the time!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59'I wonder how they'll get on?'
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Oh, hi, hi, hello! Pleased to meet you.
0:25:02 > 0:25:08- I'm Mr Merry. Call me Jamie. And you are?- Mrs Miserable.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Surely you have a first name? We're very informal here.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16Yes, I do, it's Fight The Good Fight Of Faith, a wholesome Puritan name.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Mrs Miserable it is, then.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24'So, did things get off to a better start in the Puritan household?'
0:25:24 > 0:25:27How do you do? I'm Mrs Merry, Jeanie Merry.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- You must be Mr Miserable.- Yes.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Well, let's get to know each other a bit better.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I've just got my first part as an actress in a Restoration comedy.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Acting is sinful. You should be whipped and put in the stocks.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45OK. So far so good.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Truly these are terrible times.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I can't believe they brought back theatre
0:25:53 > 0:25:55after we Puritans banned it!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Next thing you know, they'll be bringing back...Christmas!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Oh, hello! What an adorable baby. What's her name?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05- Silence.- Oop.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- No, Silence is her name. - Oh, I see. Sorry, sorry.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Her full name is Silence Discipline Search The Scriptures.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15My husband chose it.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Obviously, you would have chosen something a bit less gloomy.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Yes, I wanted to call her, If Christ Had Not Died Thou Has Been Damned.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Ha-ha, would be ridiculous! - After my mother.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Perhaps silence is the way forward.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36What a terrible, ungodly man.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Since Parliament decided to restore the monarchy,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41England has gone to wrack and ruin!
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Mrs Mis just needs to lighten up a bit,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47catch up on all the fun she's missed.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Oliver Cromwell's dead, Puritanism is history.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Hooray for Charles II! The Restoration's here.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Party on!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'Things aren't going much better for Mrs Merry.'
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- Sorry, what's this?- Dinner.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12CRUNCH!
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Ahem.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18'Mr Merry has laid on a party for his honoured guest.'
0:27:18 > 0:27:20CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- Not enjoying the music, Mrs Mis? - Music is sinful.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29- Don't suppose you fancy a dance, then?- Dancing is sinful.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34- But at least let me get you a drink. - Drinking is sinful.- Obviously.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39- What do you Puritans do for fun, then?- Fun is sinful.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49'It's time for the Puritan family and the Restoration family
0:27:49 > 0:27:51'to settle their differences.'
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Oh, King Charles II! A curse on your restored monarchy!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58A curse on your so-called Restoration.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Your sinful ways are an abomination.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03And those that sin shall burn in hell!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07You like telling people off, don't you?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Well, yes, we do.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12And that was fun, wasn't it?
0:28:15 > 0:28:16- Yes.- Yeah, I suppose.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And just remind me, isn't fun sinful, hmm?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24You sinful Jezebel!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Well, you're going to burn in hell.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32As we approach the finishing post of our perilous pilgrimage
0:28:32 > 0:28:34from the past to the present,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38I'll leave the final words to famous hotel owner, Conrad Hilton,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41who, when asked if he had any worldly wisdom to impart
0:28:41 > 0:28:43on his deathbed, said...
0:28:43 > 0:28:47AMERICAN ACCENT: "Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub."
0:28:47 > 0:28:50With that, goodbye.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts
0:28:52 > 0:28:55# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz we showed you all the juicy bits
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean
0:28:58 > 0:29:01# Bursting out your TV screen
0:29:01 > 0:29:03# The past is no longer a mystery
0:29:03 > 0:29:06# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #
0:29:06 > 0:29:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk