0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:15# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories we supply And your host, it's Stephen Fry.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery. Welcome to... #
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, and welcome to Horrible Histories -
0:00:35 > 0:00:37the show that brings the past back to life
0:00:37 > 0:00:41and then laughs at its quirks and foibles, like a playground bully.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Though, admittedly, a rather well-read one.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52So, my idea is, we write everything backwards,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55so to the enemy it will look like complete gobbledegook.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58For example, if we were to write the word "eye"
0:00:58 > 0:01:00we would do it backwards, like so.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Eye.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Oh... Bad example.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12If we were writing the word "madam", we'd do it backwards like this.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14...A - D - A - M. Ma-... Oh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Um, if we were writing the word "racecar"
0:01:18 > 0:01:23then we'd spell it backwards, which would be...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Yes, it might be back to the drawing board with that one, old bean.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yes, perhaps you're right.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32This secret code lark is a darn tricky business.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Isn't it just?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Well, thanks for nothing!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40My word! Agent Saunders?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42We thought you were in that prison camp at Drancy.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46No. I escaped! No thanks to you idiots.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- Steady on now, chap.- Steady on?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I've crossed occupied France with no money and no map.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Did you even GET my letter?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Some time ago. It didn't make a great deal of sense.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Well, I used Sergeant Hall's code, just like you said.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04"Escape. Planned. January. 2nd. Send. Map. And. Money.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06You read every word after the punctuation,
0:02:06 > 0:02:07just like we discussed.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Ah! Every word AFTER the punctuation!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13We were reading every word BEFORE the punctuation.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Please. Prepare. The. Old. Goat. For. Wedding.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Why on Earth would I say that?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Well, we were rather confused.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22- As was the goat. - GOAT BLEATS
0:02:25 > 0:02:29So, it turns out you're better at this secret code lark than WE are!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Mind helping us with this one?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34We got this letter from Agent Blenkinsopp about three weeks ago.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37We've been unable to work out the code.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Trapped in Paris, please send help."
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- Now, what IS he trying to tell us? - There's a message in there somewhere.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh... I'm going for a bath.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52You don't actually think he's trapped in Paris, do you?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Where's Paris?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Bletchley Park was home to Britain's codebreakers.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Experts in maths, languages and science,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02obviously a lot smarter than those two,
0:03:02 > 0:03:06and the Army made use of all sorts of creative minds.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Hello, and welcome to World War II Art Show.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Today, we're joined by General Peregrine Thorogood
0:03:16 > 0:03:18from the British Army.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Carry on!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Right. I was going to.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26This week, we're going to be making models of Allied tanks,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29the kind that Peregrine actually used during the Second World War.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32In fact, here's one I made earlier.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Gosh.- Ours were just like this, except bigger.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Yes, and not made of cardboard, obviously!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41No, no. Ours were made of cardboard.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Sorry?- Cardboard, rubber, bits of wood, all sorts of things.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Why would you make tanks out of cardboard and rubber and things?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I thought you might ask me that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Allow me to introduce my top military advisor, the amazing
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Jasper Maskelyne!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Jasper Maskelyne, master of illusion, at your service.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Mr Maskelyne was the Army's official magician.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Why did the Army need a magician?
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Who better to fool the Germans than a master of illusion?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Keep it.- Yes, you see the Germans were spying on us from their planes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25- They could see our guns and tanks and work out our next move.- But!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29What if the tanks and guns they saw weren't tanks and guns at all?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33What if it was just an illusion?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Fly, Cornelius, be free!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Oh, I see! So, you built cardboard tanks to fool the German planes?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Precisely. We put tanks on top of Jeeps and drove them around to make
0:04:45 > 0:04:47it look like the tanks were moving.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- So it was all just... - An illusion. Is this your card?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Well, I didn't actually choose... - Take the card.- OK.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Yes, these sorts of tactics helped us win the war.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02On D-Day, to make Hitler think we were invading France from Dover,
0:05:02 > 0:05:03we built an entire fake Army.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- We even had fake wooden planes, like this.- Oh, right.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It doesn't look much like a plane from here.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Not from the ground, maybe, but from the air!
0:05:12 > 0:05:17- Oh, I see. Very clever.- The Americans brought an entire inflatable army.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22You could say I was the first general to blow up his own army.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I don't really get the joke.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Well, there we have it. It turns out that cardboard tanks
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and wooden planes could really be used to help win a war.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38That's all we have time for this week,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42so a big thanks to my guests - General Peregrine Thorogood...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43And me, Jasper Maskelyne,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Master of Illusion!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Good Heavens! Where has he gone?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Well, he's clearly just down there, isn't he?- Why would you do that?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Well...- Why would you? - It's not magic.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- You've clearly just gone down below the desk.- You've ruined it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Every brilliant man has his Nemesis. Hector had Achilles.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Napoleon had Wellington. Elmer Fudd had Bugs Bunny.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Well, Julius Caesar's arch-enemy was the Gallic Chieftain, Vercingetorix.
0:06:17 > 0:06:23Rome - an Empire born through fear, fire, good plumbing and war!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Julius Caesar - an invincible Roman general with the greatest army
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and nose the world has ever seen.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And the one man who could stand in his way -
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Vercingetorix,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40leader of the Gaulish hordes.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44So deadly, he could wear pigtails and still look hard.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00CHEERING
0:07:00 > 0:07:06I will not have this impudent Gaul defy the might of Rome.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11We will crush him in his capital city of Avaricum.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Well, you get the idea.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Is mighty Caesar set for his first-ever defeat?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43The Battle of Avaricum - coming soon.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47The ending might be a bit of a wash-out.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49After 25 days of intense resistance,
0:07:49 > 0:07:54the Gauls ran away from their sentry posts, because of a storm.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57They thought that the rain was a bad omen from the gods
0:07:57 > 0:07:59and that the sky was going to fall on their heads.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Caesar used his triumph over the Gauls and the Britons
0:08:03 > 0:08:07as a pretext to make himself ruler of Rome.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10But his ego expanded as fast as his empire
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and he made some dangerous enemies.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Hello, and welcome to another Crimewatch BC.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24We start this week with a murder which took place
0:08:24 > 0:08:27right in the centre of Ancient Rome.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29The victim was this man - Julius Caesar,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33a soldier and politician who was recently made
0:08:33 > 0:08:35dictator of Rome for life.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39It seems Mr Caesar may have known he was a possible target.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42On the morning that my husband Caesar was murdered,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I had warned him not to go the Senate.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47All the omens were bad, they were really bad.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Don't go, Caesar! I don't want you to go!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51A few weeks ago,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54a bird flew into the Senate House with a laurel leaf in its beak.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- So what?- Well, it's a warning!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What, a warning that it might poo on someone's head?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04No, it's a warning that someone's going to get killed.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Someone wearing a crown of laurel leaves on their head.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09That is just superstitious nonsense!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I don't want you to go!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I've got a feeling something really bad's going to happen.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Oh, yeah. Maybe you're right.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Maybe something really, really bad is going to happen. Yes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Oh, look!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It just did! Brilliant. See you later.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Caesar ignored the bad omens and went to the Senate House anyway.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34He was murdered there in broad daylight, on the 15th March.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Take that, Caesar! - Ow, that's me you're stabbing!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, I don't know - all I can see is togas!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Ow, you did it again!- Sorry!
0:09:43 > 0:09:48I have with me in the studio a man who saw the whole thing happen.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52So, why do you think so many people stabbed Caesar?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54The murderers thought if lots of them stabbed him,
0:09:54 > 0:09:55it would be everyone's responsibility,
0:09:55 > 0:09:56we'd be in it together.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Sorry - They! They'd all be in it together.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Any idea why they did it?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Well, I'm told because they thought Caesar had too much power
0:10:05 > 0:10:08and wanted to be a king, so Caesar had to die!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Or, that's what some people thought, anyway.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Must remember to do the washing up.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Also with me in the studio is the man leading the hunt
0:10:17 > 0:10:21for Caesar's murderers - Senator Mark Antony.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Now, Senator, what do we know about the murderers?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Well, Kirsty, one thing we do know is their identities.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31There's Casca and Cimber, and there's the ringleaders,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Brutus and Cassius. - So, you know who did it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36What next?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Well, we'd very much like to speak to them - just a little chat,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- see if they can assist us in our enquiries.- Really?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No, we want to kill them and burn down their houses,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49but I don't want to say that in public, in case they run away.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50See you!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Me and my big mouth. I should probably run after him.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Go.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06The Georgian era actually covered four King Georges
0:11:06 > 0:11:10and one King William, who sadly didn't get his own Williamian era.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14The famous madness of King George III is now thought to have been
0:11:14 > 0:11:16manic depression - bipolar disorder.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19A condition which was helped and managed by his doctors
0:11:19 > 0:11:22in no way, whatsoever.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25The Royal Doctor, Your Majesty.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Doctor? I don't need a doctor.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31I was just telling the Prussian Ambassador here...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That is a pot plant, Your Majesty.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, yes. So it is.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Well, as I was just telling this pot plant here,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I feel as fit as a pig in Sweden. SNORT.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Seize the patient!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46What are you doing?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Unhand me, you knaves!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I'm afraid His Majesty is quite mad!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Mad? I'm absolutely furious.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Please, His Majesty must see that he's not well.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I suppose I have been a bit off-colour.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02As has his wee-wee.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Bright purple.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Yes, thank you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I think we'll leave the diagnosis and treatment
0:12:08 > 0:12:10to those of us trained in the medical profession.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Only science can provide the solution.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Science and mustard!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Mustard! What a good idea!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'm a sausage! Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29That's clearly not working. We'll try another Georgian cure.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Splendid, what's that?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'm not going to blind you with science,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36just assault you with this red-hot poker.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38HE SCREAMS
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's quite simple, really. We just wait
0:12:40 > 0:12:42for a blister to appear and then pop!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Is this really supposed to cure him?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Yes, that and shouting at him.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Stop being mad!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Get better!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53We Georgian doctors have made great strides
0:12:53 > 0:12:56in the treatment of this affliction. Get better!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Shouldn't we be giving him some sort of medicine?- I already have.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01He's on a spoonful of arsenic, twice a day.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Arsenic?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Yes, mixed in with some other stuff.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06But arsenic is highly poisonous,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- you're going to make him worse! - Worse?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Are you trying to tell me that I, the King's own physician,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16am making the King worse?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Are you insane?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Insane?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Because if you are insane, I shall have to treat you, too.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Why don't I help you treat him!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Yes... You!
0:13:29 > 0:13:30KING SCREAMS
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- Stop being mad!- Get better!
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Grow up!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Don't act weird all the time!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Just stop it!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43When George III's illness worsened, he could no longer rule
0:13:43 > 0:13:47and so his son was made Regent, or acting King.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50But the Prince of Wales hated living in his father's shadow.
0:13:56 > 0:14:03# I'm George IV, the Regent King Which means I was just standing in
0:14:03 > 0:14:08# Acting King because my dad George III, had gone barking mad... #
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Banana!
0:14:09 > 0:14:15# Great palaces I did design Buckingham was one of mine
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- # Art and fashion, I so rated... # - And wise?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22# That's more complicated
0:14:23 > 0:14:28# Actresses and duchesses The great loves of my life
0:14:28 > 0:14:34# I loved more girls than I ate pies but I couldn't stand my wife
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- # He couldn't stand his wife... # - Go away
0:14:38 > 0:14:44# I only married Queen Caroline when my debts began to climb
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# Because if I agreed to tie the knot
0:14:47 > 0:14:51# I said I'd pay off the lot
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# But the wedding caused all sorts of strife
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# Because I already had a wife... #
0:14:57 > 0:14:58A divorced Catholic?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00# Dad did sigh
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# But the mad old goat just wouldn't die... #
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Still here! Oh, spoke too soon!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07At last, I can go solo!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# As true King, my reign began
0:15:10 > 0:15:13# Though I was now older than your nan
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# And as the ruler of our nation
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# I banned my wife from my coronation
0:15:19 > 0:15:21# And knowing now that I did hate her
0:15:21 > 0:15:25# She promptly died just three weeks later
0:15:25 > 0:15:27# But all those pies that I got through
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# Meant ten years later I died, too... #
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Hello, have we met? I'm a kangaroo!
0:15:36 > 0:15:40# Actresses, duchesses The great loves of my life
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# I loved more girls than I ate pies
0:15:43 > 0:15:46# But I couldn't stand my wife
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# I had just ten years on the throne
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# Do you remember that?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55# No, all that you remember is...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# ..I was really fat. #
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Most people think of Alexander the Great as a Greek,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16but, technically, he was Macedonian.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21In fact, he should really be called Alexander the Third of Macedon.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23But that simply isn't as memorable
0:16:23 > 0:16:27and Alexander definitely wanted to be remembered.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31So, what shall we call this new city, Oh, Alexander?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Hmm?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Oh, sorry. Oh, Alexander the Great. - Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I think we should call it...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Alexandria - after our great and powerful leader.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53There he is!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Well, you have founded a whole chain of cities,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- from Greece to India. - Indeed, I have.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03And you named this one Alexandria.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Uh-huh.- You named this one Alexandria, didn't you?- Mm-hm.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Then there's Alexandria...- Yeah, OK. Let's not forget Alexandria.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13No. Well, that's the thing,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I think it might be getting a bit confusing, don't you?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Could we perhaps name this new one after someone else?- OK.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25I am the greatest military commander that ever lived.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I have conquered the known world
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and I am barely 26 years old.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Perhaps when you found your own city,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36you can name it after yourself.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You can call it, hmm... Skinny Mandria.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42But since I'm founding them,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'd like to call it...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Alexandria.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48OK?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Yes, sir.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- No, actually, do you know what? Perhaps you're right.- Hm?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05A great military ruler also listens to his advisers.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08It is getting a bit confusing. I think we should call it Iskenderun.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Why Iskenderun?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11It's Turkish!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Is it Turkish for Alexandria?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Yes!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- (Thought so.- OK.)
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Alexander's conquests took him deep into India,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26where he came up against Indian armies that could deploy
0:18:26 > 0:18:293,000 war elephants in a single battle.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Imagine, 3,000 elephants charging at you -
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Like the opening day of the Dallas All-You-Can-Eat Rib Shack.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Very much the tanks of their day, only a tad more eco-friendly,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43the use of war elephants became more commonplace
0:18:43 > 0:18:46and in 275 BC, the Greek army
0:18:46 > 0:18:49used them when facing the Romans.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54In ancient times,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57King Pyrrhus of Greece went to battle with the Romans
0:18:57 > 0:18:59and brought with him a secret weapon -
0:18:59 > 0:19:01elephants.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Elephants, cha-a-arge!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Greek war elephants were brilliant,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10because once they started charging, they didn't stop
0:19:10 > 0:19:11and trampled anything in their way.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Particularly, the enemy troops.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16THEY SCREAM
0:19:16 > 0:19:20It was brilliant, but unfortunately
0:19:20 > 0:19:22there was one small problem.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Elephants are scared of fire...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26..and pigs.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29So the Romans set fire to some pigs
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and sent them charging at the charging elephants...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34PIG SQUEALS
0:19:34 > 0:19:36ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:19:39 > 0:19:41..making King Pyrrhus really wish...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Argh!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45..he'd left his secret weapon at home.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48PIG SNIGGERS
0:19:53 > 0:19:54And now on HHTV,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57an advertising intermission from Ancient Peru.
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0:20:14 > 0:20:18and let those steep sides do all the hard work.
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0:20:20 > 0:20:22the unique raised edges of new Incan Hole
0:20:22 > 0:20:25are up to a bit percent better at keeping little ones out of trouble.
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0:20:58 > 0:21:01Do you suffer from a dry, flaky scalp?
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0:21:13 > 0:21:17Simply pee in a bucket and leave it to ferment for a week.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Then, just wash your hair in the piddle pot.
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0:21:29 > 0:21:31fights dandruff and cleans away grease,
0:21:31 > 0:21:35leaving you with shinier, healthier-looking hair.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Incan Shampee. It's what all the Incan ladies are using.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I love it!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Available in all full bladders. Bucket not included.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52We Tudors were all terrified of Henry VIII.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54No-one wanted to give him bad news.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59In fact, there was only one person who could get away with it.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Sir Nicholas.- What news?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04The rumours are true, I'm afraid.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It would seem the Queen is seeing other men behind the King's back.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Then it is as we feared. We should inform His Majesty.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Yes, of course, but you know how his moods are.- Yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17He does tend to behead the messenger.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Indeed.- Then there is only one man for the job.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Only one man who could break such terrible news
0:22:23 > 0:22:25to His Majesty, King Henry VIII.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- You don't mean...?- Yes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30(BOTH) Will Sommers.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31You called?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# Bom, bom, bom bom, bom! #
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Prrt! Bonk! Haw-hee, haw-hee!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Brrr!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Ho-o-onk!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42So, what seems to be the problem, gentlemen?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Catherine Howard.- Ah, another man?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Several.- Oh dear, that is a pickle. - Yes,
0:22:47 > 0:22:48and we need to tell the King
0:22:48 > 0:22:51so he can arrange a divorce or a beheading or something.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55And you are his favourite jester. Who better to break the bad news?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Yes, this is true, but how?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00This is obviously hugely important, so what do we think?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Shall I do it as a joke? Or a song?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Or blurt it out while I'm doing the juggling?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- You're the expert. - Yes, I am good at this.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13I shall use tact, diplomacy
0:23:13 > 0:23:14and one of these...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Stand aside, gentlemen.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23# Pom, pom, pom, pom! #
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Squee, squee, hu-u-um!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30No, not today, Will. I'm not in the right mood.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I don't know, you seem to be in a right mood to me!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37HENRY LAUGHS
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Stop it! Seriously, I need a wee.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Would that be the Royal We?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Ba-doom, tish!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45No, seriously, seriously, I will wet my breeches.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Don't get any on the seat, or you'll have to be THRONE out!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Oh no! There's a couple of drips right there.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56I wouldn't worry.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Been a few drips on that throne through the years!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01HENRY LAUGHS
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Yes! Drips! Hasn't there just?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07More than a few, I should think.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yes, almost as many as your wife has boyfriends!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14She's had a few, then, has she?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Yeah, loads of them! Good day, Sire!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Very good.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Look at you, you silly man!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25HENRY LAUGHS
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Well, well, how did he take it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30It's too early to say.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Should sink in about
0:24:32 > 0:24:34three...two...one...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Wha-a-at?!!- There it is.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Nicholas! Fetch me my executioner!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41At once, Sire!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47And a clean pair of pants, please.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Well, actually, TBH, we don't know if it was Will Sommers
0:24:52 > 0:24:55who had to break that particular bit of bad news.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Another story is that a secret note was left on Henry's pew
0:24:59 > 0:25:00in the chapel at Hampton Court
0:25:00 > 0:25:03to inform him of Catherine's infidelities.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06On one occasion, for a bet, Will tried to make a joke
0:25:06 > 0:25:09about Princess Elizabeth and Henry nearly had him killed.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11You really didn't want to cross Henry,
0:25:11 > 0:25:16because Henry was prepared to do anything to get his own way.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Hello, and welcome to the News At When.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27When? Tudor times, when England broke with Rome
0:25:27 > 0:25:31and got its own church, which really pleased Henry VIII
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and really upset the Pope.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Here with more details is Bob Hail, with the Catholic report. Bob?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Thank you, Sam. Well, here's Tudor England.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41That's Henry VII there and as you can tell,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44it's wall-to-wall Catholics as far as the eye can see.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Much as it has been for... Oh, let's say, 900 years.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50But Henry's got a problem, because he wants a divorce,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53which is exactly what the Catholic Church doesn't like.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56So, he asks the Pope if he can have a divorce and he says,
0:25:56 > 0:25:57"No way, Jose!"
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Weird, because his name's Henry. So what does Henry do?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02He breaks away from the Pope!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04He starts up his own church here in England called,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06unsurprisingly, the Church of England.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Since he's in charge of it,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11he grants himself a divorce and marries Anne Boleyn,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14who's a Protestant. She believes in the Bible, but not in the Pope.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Since the country's turning Protestant,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Henry starts being mean to Catholics. He executes them,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22closes their monasteries and takes all their money.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Then he gets married four times and dies.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26That's what six wives will do.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Believe it or not, that was the easy bit.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30If we look at the Religionometer.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33So, the next king after Henry is someone from your school!
0:26:33 > 0:26:37No, not really, it's Edward VI, who's only nine years old.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40And he's a Protestant. He's the King for ages and ages,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43until he finally dies at the ripe old age of 15.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Yep, 15, when he hands over to Lady Jane Grey, another Protestant,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50who enjoys ruling the country for a whopping nine days,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54before she's overthrown by Queen Mary, a Catholic this time.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58So Catholic, in fact, that she burns 300 Protestants at the stake.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Although that's not being Catholic, that's just horrid.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02So, England is Catholic again
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and everyone sits down and gets used to it.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09But not for long! Here comes Queen Elizabeth and, you've guessed it, she's Protestant.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11She fights off a Catholic invasion, the Spanish Armada.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Elizabeth is followed by James I,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16who's a Scottish Protestant... or Prottish Scotestant?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Anyway, he's Protestant, but likes Catholics.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20At least until one tries to blow him up.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Naughty, naughty Guy Fawkes! And after James comes Charles I,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26who acts like a Catholic but really doesn't care.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30He just wants to be in charge, until he is overthrown by that chap.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Who's not Catholic or Protestant, not even a King!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Seriously! He's Oliver Cromwell, a Puritan,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38which is like a really strict Protestant. So strict in fact,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40he chops Charlie's head off and bans music, theatre,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44dancing, Christmas, hedgehogs and fun, except not hedgehogs.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Then he dies, hooray! And we get the monarchs back, woo-hoo!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It's Charles II, who is loads of fun.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52He's also a Protestant, but he converts to Catholicism
0:27:52 > 0:27:55on his deathbed, so he's Catholic, but only for a few minutes.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Then comes his brother James II, who is a Catholic,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01always has been, but he doesn't like Parliament, so they chuck him out
0:28:01 > 0:28:04and bring in his daughter and her husband from Holland,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07William and Mary, and they decide England is definitely Protestant.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09As it is today, after 185 years of going
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Catholic, Protestant, Catholic, Protestant. You're getting sleepy.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21You're getting very sleepy. Hand back to Sam.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Sa-am! Sa-am!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Sam!
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Sam! Sa-am!
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Well, that's all for this hike along the hilarious highways of history.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41I leave you with the final words of 17th-Century French grammarian,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Dominique Bouhours, who even on his deathbed, couldn't resist
0:28:45 > 0:28:48an act of linguistic pedantry, uttering,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52"I am about to, or I am going to, die.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55"Either expression is correct."
0:28:55 > 0:28:57With that, goodbye.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00# Tall tales, atrocious acts, We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:29:00 > 0:29:03# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz, We showed you all the juicy bits
0:29:03 > 0:29:06# Gory, ghastly, cruel and mean
0:29:06 > 0:29:09# Bursting out your TV screen
0:29:09 > 0:29:11# The past is no longer a mystery
0:29:11 > 0:29:17# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #