0:00:09 > 0:00:14# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh-oh
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh-oh
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Oh oh oh
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Oh oh oh-oh
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh-oh
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh-oh
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# Oh oh-oh. #
0:00:41 > 0:00:43COCK CROWS
0:00:43 > 0:00:46'He's the cock that wakes you up.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47'Ivan Brackenbury!'
0:00:47 > 0:00:52Stick 'em up! Fancy dress day, raising money for charity.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Hey up, Matron - put some money in the bucket otherwise I'll blow your brains out.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I'm only kidding. I won't do that.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03We're raising money for charity - fancy dress day, anybody?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07It's very exciting, I'm raising money by being in fancy dress today
0:01:07 > 0:01:11and I've decided to ask the hospital manager herself to sponsor me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Fingers crossed.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Been having a think about the hospital bed crisis.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Could you look into the feasibility of bunk beds?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21It just seems so obvious.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23And fun.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Stick 'em up!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Aaaaaahhh! What do you want!?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Money, please.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I'm mad today and I'm not taking no for an answer.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Take anything you want.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Really? Anything?
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Yes.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- This money?- Yes, anything.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40What, all of it? Oh, my goodness.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41What, even this chocolate bar?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Yes! Just go!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Thank you so much. That's... Thank you. Bye.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49High-ho - let's gallop off!
0:01:50 > 0:01:56'The UK's favourite DJs - Ivan Brackenbury!'
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Welcome back to the charity fancy dress day.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01As you can see, I'm the Lone Ranger.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02They can't see.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Yeah, all right! Sadly, Shaz isn't Tonto like I asked.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07She's come as a triangle.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It's a maple leaf. You said Toronto.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11The donations have been flying in,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15even from our very own hospital manager, Susan Mitchell.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- £300...- Whoo!- ..and a Lion bar. Thank you, Susan.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Oh, look, a couple of guys have dressed up as policemen.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27See, they've made an effort, Shaz. Anyway, on with the show.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31MUSIC: Superman by Black Lace
0:02:35 > 0:02:38The police artist impressions are back from the descriptions you gave.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Oh! That's him. I can still see the murder in his eyes.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I'd like to see him try getting in here with the new security measures.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Yes. We have possibly gone a little too far now.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52CCTV, intruder alarm, airport-style security.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's like Batman's lair in here.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Exactly, and no-one's coming in my bat cave without my consent.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I take security very seriously.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03A man, possibly a serial killer,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07was able to walk in off the street and confront me.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08That's not on.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12This is a building filled with sick and vulnerable people,
0:03:12 > 0:03:13and, at the end of the day,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16if it happens again, they can't protect me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18These are the new security protocols.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Heavy!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23She's our head of security?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25She's just been taken out by a folder.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27She gets results.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Anyone breaks these, I'll give them a warning.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33If they break 'em again, I'll break their legs!
0:03:36 > 0:03:37We can't rely on her.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I'll be happier when the new camera drone arrives then we can go anywhere in the hospital.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Can't we already do that, just by walking?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Yes, but the drone eliminates all major security threats.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Susan... how much is all this going to cost?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53You can't put a price on safety, Sunny. 5/8's changed everything.
0:03:53 > 0:03:545/8?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Yesterday. The 5th of August. Honestly! Oh, God, look at him!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Laughing at me with his eyes.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Stethoscope needs to come off!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07'Please remember to remove all belts, mobile phones,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09'metal objects and liquids.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14'Should the alarm sound, please wait to the right for your full body cavity search.'
0:04:14 > 0:04:19I feel you've got a guardian angel watching over you taking a special interest in you.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Do you feel its presence?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21No.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Right, well, I'll leave that with you.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I've got to go, I've got a past life regression on Ward Four.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Cheer up.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31'I do prefer dealing with the older patients cos they've got'
0:04:31 > 0:04:34more friends that've crossed over that want to talk to them.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And, also, they themselves are closer to the other side.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Especially as you approach winter.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44BEEPING
0:04:48 > 0:04:49BEEPING
0:04:49 > 0:04:51HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Hello! Can you let me in? Anyone?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Someone is getting an overwhelming urge to open the door.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09But you've decided against it. Yep, that's what's happened.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Form an orderly queue!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Idiots!
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Can't believe we all need new passes just cos some nutter robbed the manager.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I know - it's mad, in't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I were in her office just before it happened.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Did you see him?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No, but one minute I'm in there,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34with me fancy dress costume and me toy gun.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Next minute, there's some proper lunatic in there
0:05:36 > 0:05:39with a real costume and a real gun.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Small world, in't it? I hope this don't take long.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I've got a couple of records playing.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48You do sometimes have to leave songs running while you pop out for whatever reason,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52and it's always good to have a few long ones up your sleeve.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I call them my poo songs.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Bohemian Rhapsody, American Pie, Bat Out Of Hell.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I've only ever had to use all three back-to-back once.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04That were Poo Tuesday.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Thanks.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Is this going to take long?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11It's just that I'm already on Bat Out Of Hell and I think
0:06:11 > 0:06:14just knowing it's on's actually making me want to do a poo.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I know that voice.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It's Ivan Brackenbury!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21The cheerful earful!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Not guilty! Yes, it is!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26'I'm a massive fan of Ivan.'
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I listen to him all the time at work
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and I've been to all of his roadshows in the car park.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'm not obsessed or anything.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38I've got his past six years' security photos in my purse,
0:06:38 > 0:06:39just because...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- JINGLE IMPRESSION:- He's bonkers.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I love your show.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46And I love all your charity things you do.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Last week's sponsored scream was hilarious.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Oh, right, that was actually a panic attack, but thanks.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I'm doing a sponsored sing instead of speak later.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58# Well, I'll sponsor you.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00# Thank you. What's your name?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# Hilary. Here's 50p.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05# Thank you. I'll put it with the rest. #
0:07:07 > 0:07:12I can't believe I'm actually looking at Ivan Brackenbury's playlist.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13You can add a song if you like.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I don't normally let staff, but I'm desperate for requests.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- There you go.- Thank you.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23And there's your pass.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It's access all areas.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Thank you!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Ooh!- I'm OK.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I think it were my funny bone.
0:07:35 > 0:07:41MUSIC: When You Were Young by The Killers
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# He doesn't look a bit like Jesus... #
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Oh, there we go. Oh, it's heavy, Mrs Leydon!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53What is it?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Ha ha ha! Beep beep! I've done it again.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58- CAR LOCK BEEPS - Every time.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Anyone going in Ward Four?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03'Scuse me, Doctor, are you going in Ward Four?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04I've got a patient in there,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07someone I'm helping get in touch with his Nordic forefathers. Ray?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He went for surgery ages ago.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Why am I not surprised?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Moving him around,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15stopping him getting actual treatment from an actual healer.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21COMEDY NOISES
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Watch out, Mrs Leydon, there's a dog.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26BARKING NOISE Ooh!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28What do you reckon?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31We've already got an organ.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33FARTING NOISES
0:08:33 > 0:08:37I know, but this one's got 5,000 pre-programmed songs.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And all the ones we use in the service -
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Vengaboys, Black Eyed Peas.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It's even got a couple of hymns, and it plays them in time.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46HYMN MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I love using gadgets to liven up me sermons.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I've started using virtual reality.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57It's a lot of fun, especially if you stick it on Mrs Leydon and put the zombie game on her.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Ooh! Argh!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02'There's nothing wrong with using technology to help you spread the Lord's word,'
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and cos I put it in my sermons, it's tax deductible.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I can't believe somebody at yesterday's service
0:09:08 > 0:09:10complained I did a fat joke.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11They need to lighten up.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14BA-DUM TSHH, LAUGHING
0:09:14 > 0:09:17All right. OK, time for our next hymn.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It's OK, Mrs Leydon, I've got it on a pre-set.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Oh, but I always play the songs.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It's all right, you sit down, put your feet up.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Here we go. Hymn 104, The Lord Is My Shepherd.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:31 > 0:09:36# The Lord's my shepherd, I'll not want... #
0:09:36 > 0:09:37BAA
0:09:37 > 0:09:42# He makes me down to lie
0:09:42 > 0:09:43BAA
0:09:43 > 0:09:45# In pastures green
0:09:45 > 0:09:48# He leadeth me... #
0:09:48 > 0:09:51BAA
0:09:51 > 0:09:55MAN SHOUTS INSTRUCTIONS
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Should the alarm sound, please wait to the right for your full body cavity search.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Hello. This pass won't let me on the wards.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I've got urgent medical work to carry out.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06You're not a doctor.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11I know. I take a more holistic approach and the new pass won't let me in.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Yeah. It says here you haven't got clearance.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm a porter, I'm access all areas.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Yeah - it says here you work in the kitchen.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20That's not me. She's Chinese.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Well, if the system says you're Chinese,
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I have to go with what it says.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25New procedures.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Honestly, this wouldn't be happening to me if I was a doctor.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Well, that's not my problem, Mrs Ling.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34They will do anything to stop alternative medicine.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Doctors for years have had the cure for the common cold,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40but they won't let us have it cos they'll be out of a job.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42They've cured all these things for themselves.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48I've been working in this hospital for eight years and I've yet to see a doctor in here with the flu.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Ask yourself why?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Sweetness, do I look like a Mrs Ling?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I'm a porter and I need clearance.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Well, this says you haven't got clearance.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I know! The pass is wrong.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Yes, I see that, sir, but I can't give you clearance without a pass.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07You're holding it in your hand!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Sir, if you raise your voice to me one more time,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I am going to leave you in a world of pain.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Do you want to see what these hands can do?- No!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Do you?- No, I don't. Put them down. Let me get the pass.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Yeah.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Have you got a pass?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28'As head of hospital security,'
0:11:28 > 0:11:29the biggest weapon you have
0:11:29 > 0:11:33isn't your fists. No, it's reason.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I explain to people, I know why they're angry,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I try to tell them I see where they're coming from, and then
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I tell them if they don't get out me face I will use me fists.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45'What am I?'
0:11:45 > 0:11:51Right, you lucky listeners what sent in your answers, it's time for What Am I?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53'What am I?'
0:11:53 > 0:11:58I am made of a hard material, you might find me on a soldier
0:11:58 > 0:12:03or a motorbike rider and you strap me on your head.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Well, none of you got it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I am...a helmet.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Another one of those tomorrow. Now, this is for Mike with Tourette's.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15# You know you make me wanna shout... #
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Sorry to interrupt when you're on. New security protocol.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Just need to check, have either of you been recently radicalised?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27No, I don't think so.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28No.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Two more nos.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Also, er...
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I thought you might want some more song requests, you know,
0:12:37 > 0:12:38if-if-if you're interested?
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Oh, yeah, brilliant. Who needs the patients when we've got you?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46My ideal woman would have to be the head of Rachel from Friends,
0:12:46 > 0:12:51the torso of Holly Willoughby and the legs of Angelina Jolie.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55All joined up, obviously, not just like loose or in a bag or something.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I'd actually just be happy with Rachel from Friends...'s head.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02So this is me mic. And that's short for...
0:13:02 > 0:13:03my microphone.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's so exciting.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I just want to grab it and shout, "Let me live me own life, Mum!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Yeah, well, don't. And that's the charity totalizer.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It's getting there, thanks to the manager's donation.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I'd love to know how all this stuff works.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Really? What you doin' tonight?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Nothing. I can cancel anything. Anything!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Great. Well, you should take this home and read it.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Bring it back tomorrow, though - I need it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh. Thanks.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32No worries!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35'Security. It's Susan. The security desk is unmanned.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38'Get back. Roger. Over.'
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Coming. Hilary. Over.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Bye.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45She seems nice.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Yeah, and she's given me loads of good requests as well.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Love Me Tender,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I Want You, I Need You, I Love You.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Do you think maybe she's trying to tell you something?- No.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57A bit of a crush, maybe?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58No.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I dunno. She seemed keen.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00No.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06Ooh! OK, this request is going out to Hilary the security guard
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and it's I Love You, Ivan.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Oh, one minute, don't seem to have that one on the system
0:14:13 > 0:14:14so here's a suitable alternative -
0:14:14 > 0:14:17it's a classic from Mr Blobby.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24I've never had a girlfriend girlfriend but I've had loads of girls who are me friends -
0:14:24 > 0:14:26me mum before she died.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Not just me mum, though - that makes me sound like a right saddo.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I've loads of aunties, too.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Ha ha! Oh, come on, Mrs L. What about this one?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Why is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Cos their balls are only for decoration.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42BA-DUM TSHH
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You can't say that!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Yeah, no, you're right. I'll save it until Christmas.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I'll use it in Midnight Mass.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50'My favourite time of year is Christmas.'
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I love Midnight Mass because we're always sold out.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56It's a great atmosphere and everyone's had a few bevvies so I can work a bit blue.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Oh, Father Kenny is great with cheeky innuendo!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03He means no harm by it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08I'm terrible at innuendo, if you know what I mean.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I thought maybe I could play the new keyboard at this afternoon's service?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Nah, you're all right. I was going to open with Jerusalem and you can never play that.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Well, I could try.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Nah, the keyboard's better.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22KEYBOARD PLAYS
0:15:24 > 0:15:28I've been working with Father Kenny for 20 years
0:15:28 > 0:15:30and we've never fallen out.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34He went through a phase of using a puppet in the sermons.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Reverend Timpkins. Oh, I didn't like that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It was very blue material.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It's bollocks! Whoa! One minute there...
0:15:43 > 0:15:47That puppet - he really led Father Kenny astray.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I was glad when he left.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Should've got one of these ages ago.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I didn't realise they're so easy to use.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Well, maybe that keyboard can help you prepare, then, because I'm not!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- KEYBOARD:- Ooooooh!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03They can do everything!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Security, we have an emergency.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Unknown flying weapon in the hospital...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh, wait, no, it's a fly on my screen.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Carry on. Over.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I just got your lunch from the ambulance men.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Should we really be using them to pick up takeaway?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24It's soup, Sunny. It's disgusting cold.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26OK, they're back.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27What? Security threat?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Even better. See that doctor and nurse?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Well, it looks like they've had an affair, from what I can make out.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He's gone back to his wife but she's pregnant and hasn't told him.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's better than Holby.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Do you think this could become a security threat?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40We'll have a better idea when the drone arrives,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42then I can follow them anywhere.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Everybody take your belts and shoes off.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I've got a delivery for Susan Mitchell.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51You'll have to join the back of the queue, go through security, green lift, fourth floor.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58As you know, Father David from St Luke's will be joining me for the evening service.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Funny guy, actually.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Before he was ordained as a Catholic priest, he was a mechanic.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04So you could call him a Catholic converter!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06BA-DUM TSHH
0:17:06 > 0:17:09No? Tough crowd, Mrs Leydon.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Oh. Yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14All right. Let me find the reading.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Normally my assistant would print this off.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No. Oh...
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Oh.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I suppose Mrs Leydon does do a lot round here.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Leaves me clear to focus on my calling - comedy.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33She's part of the furniture. Not that I'd spray her with polish.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34That's my pledge to her.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36She'd have loved that.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39They won't let us out.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I've got you two down but the baby didn't sign in when you arrived.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44She's only just been born.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46But it's new procedures.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Everyone has to be signed in and the baby didn't sign in.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52She never "came in", though. What were we supposed to do?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I can't make exceptions. Sorry!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58'OK, this next song is another request going out to the
0:17:58 > 0:18:04'lovely Hilary, a very special woman who's been sending in song requests.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08'This is Whitney Houston who, sadly, is now dead of drugs.'
0:18:08 > 0:18:20# And I-I will always love you
0:18:22 > 0:18:28# Will always love you... #
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Anything good?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36It's OK, I suppose.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Oh, I remember this one. Yeah, that got a big laugh.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Shouldn't you be doing the afternoon service?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Well, I needed to talk to you. I've got a dilemma.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51It's not the Kenny Dalglish Jesus dream again, is it?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53No.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58I took someone for granted and I need their forgiveness.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02She's my organist. Well, she's a lot more than that,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and I'm just hoping she'll forgive me and come back.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10I thought you didn't need an organist with your new keyboard.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, it's not the piano, Mrs Leydon, it's who's hitting the keys.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Am I right, girls?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Ooh, you are funny!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Come on, we've got a service to do.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I'll tell you what, as a special treat I'll bring back the Reverend Timpkins.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- I know you like him.- Ooh, yeah!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27All right? Come on, then, I've still got his number.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28"Yes, you have!" Who said that?!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Oh.- Come on!
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Sod it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53OUT OF TUNE SINGING
0:19:57 > 0:20:03THEY ALL SING HYMN
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I don't think it's possible.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07But it looks so state of the art. I'd love it for here.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Uh, yeah. The only thing is, The Matrix was a film.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well, just see if it is possible.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Sunny, look!- What? Have you had your nails done again?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19No, there. That box. It's a suspicious package.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21We've got a suspicious package.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22We'll have to evacuate.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24What? That's a huge procedure.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Do we really want to evacuate the entire hospital over a package?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It's in the security protocols.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31To think, yesterday we would just have binned that box.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Now, thanks to my terrible ordeal,
0:20:33 > 0:20:34we can manage this threat and evacuate.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Or we just bin the box?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I'd feel a lot better after a big evacuation, Sunny.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42All right, look. How about just this wing?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Fine.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47But would it kill you to be a bit ambitious for once in your life?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.'
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Don't worry, folks,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Ivan Brackenbury, the cheerful earful, is still here.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04If you are evacuating, take a radio with you cos I'll will be doing
0:21:04 > 0:21:07me afternoon quiz, What Hat Am I Wearing?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11You will need the exact style, colour and fabric.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Are you coming?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14No. A good DJ always goes down with his ship.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Anyway, they're always doing these tests,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18and it never amounts to anything.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- They reckon it could be a bomb.- Oh!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Well, you might want to hurry up there, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I've just been reliably informed that it's definitely a bomb.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29That's a Drive Time exclusive.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Boom!- 'Drive Time exclusive.'
0:21:31 > 0:21:35'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.'
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Shall we take the valuables, just in case?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46No, Mrs Leydon, leave the keyboard.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- I just want to take the things that are really important to me.- Ah!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53So you grab the Reverend Timpkins and I'll get the stuff off the wall.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Has he just winked at you?- Oh!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Hilary, what are you doing here?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Evacuation. I've got to make sure everyone leaves the wing.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06I'm not going anywhere. The airwaves need me.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08You're so brave.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12I could stay with you and push your buttons if you show me how.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I thought you were supposed to be helping everyone get out?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18'Hilary, what's taking you so long? Over. Victor.'
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Stop telling me what to do, Susan!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22RADIO SHATTERS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I'm staying here.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Would you like to sit in me chair?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Yeah!- There you go.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37That's the fader for me mic, right, and I push that forward gently when I need to speak.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Oh!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45OK? And this one's for the music.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47You just slide it up like this.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49MUSIC: Unchained Melody
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Oh! Hang on. That's... Not that one. This one.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# A little bit of Monica... #
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh! That were lucky! That wasn't on the playlist.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I don't think anyone would have noticed. I got to it just in time.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59What a nightmare!
0:22:59 > 0:23:03People'll be wondering why I'm playing the theme from Ghost!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Come on, hurry up or get out of the way -
0:23:05 > 0:23:07one or the other!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08That's the bomb squad in there now.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10They'll be carrying out a controlled explosion.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12And to think you doubted my safety fears.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15You're probably feeling pretty stupid right now.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Just cold, really. I left my coat inside.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18PHONE RINGS
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Probably be the health minister calling to congratulate me on my security measures.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Hello, Susan Mitchell?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Yes, I am expecting a package delivery.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33They're telling me they couldn't get into my office
0:23:33 > 0:23:35so they left the package in a corridor.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40EXPLOSION
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Yes, I've noticed some damage to the item so I will be returning it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53So, how much did that drone cost?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Sunny, I've told you before - you can't put a price on safety.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Three-and-a-half thousand pounds.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05'It is now safe to enter the building.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11'It is now safe to enter the building.'
0:24:11 > 0:24:14He says he forgives you. Does that make sense?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Excuse me - we're in the middle of a psychic reading here.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Honestly, surly chef - how rude! Could've knocked.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I've had to accept my pass is my path,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and wherever it now allows me to go, is where I can connect,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31because while there are obstacles to the physical,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34there are no barriers to the mental.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Where were we? Oh, yes, your cat!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39He says he forgives you, OK?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42He knows he needed to be neutered,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and with that, I'm going to leave my love there with you, all right, my darling?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Well, I think we can call the security drive a success.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56How's that?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It was 14 times over budget,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01the evacuation meant five vital operations were missed, and...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Well, if you want to talk about safety in figures, fine.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10Here's a figure. Yesterday, I was robbed once. Today? No times.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13That's a 100% drop-off in maniacs robbing me.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Although who knows where he is now.
0:25:17 > 0:25:23# I'm the love that you looked for Write to me and escape
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# Yes I like Pina Colada... #
0:25:25 > 0:25:31Back tomorrow at six with the Breakfast Show in association with Lyle and Co Funeral Directors.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35The Breakfast Show - brightening up your mourning.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Oh, look, they've spelt morning wrong. There's no U in it, is there?
0:25:39 > 0:25:43You're so clever. That were amazing!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Ah. I couldn't have done it without you.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Aw!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Well, I normally do,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50but if you ever want to help out again, just pop by.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00This might sound mad, but I was wondering if maybe you might,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02you know, fancy a drink?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Wow.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Or not, you know. Up to you.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Just thought you might...
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Yeah. Yeah, Hilary, I'd really like that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You would?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Yeah. Tea, four sugars.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17DOOR OPENS
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Ooh, she's been back, has she? I think she fancies you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Don't be silly. I can usually spot these things.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I've got a very good girl-dar.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Finally, a big shout to everyone returning from the evacuation.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Coming up later, I'll be playing our new game
0:26:36 > 0:26:40live from the geriatrics' ward - The Weakest Hip.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43But now, this is going out to Julie,
0:26:43 > 0:26:48who's not too happy about the plastic surgery she's had done.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50This is the Communards.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# Don't leave me this way
0:26:54 > 0:26:59# I don't understand how I'm at your command
0:26:59 > 0:27:05# So, baby, please don't don't you leave me this way... #
0:27:05 > 0:27:11SHE GROANS # Baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# So come down and do what you've gotta do... #
0:27:14 > 0:27:19SHE SHOUTS # You started this fire down in my soul
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# Now can't you see it's burning out of control
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# So come down and satisfy the need in me
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# Cos only your good loving will set me free
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- # Set me free - Set me free
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# Set me free Set me free
0:27:34 > 0:27:42# Set me free Set me free-ee-ee-ee
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Set me free
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Set me free
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Set me free
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Set me free. #