0:00:41 > 0:00:44It's your job to make my rotas work!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46You've put eight days down.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48There's only seven days in a week!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Yes, I know, but it should still be workable.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- How? We can't make up an extra day of the w-w-w... - VIDEO SKIPS
0:00:53 > 0:00:54- ..with respect... - You're breaking up!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- ..most moronic...- How is this happening again?- ..ever heard.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- You have to make an eight-day week work.- What?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04In last week's targets, the nurses were two days off.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Give the nurses two days off?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07- No!- Great, Susan!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10SHE SIGHS Is there any way round this happening every time
0:01:10 > 0:01:11I have a video meeting, Sunny?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Well, you could go to actual meetings,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16rather than doing them all from your office.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17I mean, that one was only one floor down.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I'm a very important senior staff member.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I don't have time to go to meetings.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I just need a video call that doesn't cut out every two minutes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Right, who's next?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31You have a paediatrics conference call
0:01:31 > 0:01:34with Mike Hunt and Anita Hardcock.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Yeah, well, I might do that one face-to-face.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44- RADIO JINGLE:- One of the UK's favourite DJs!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ivan Brackenbury!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Hello, Ivan Brackenbury here. How you diddling?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51The clock on the wall says 09:02 in the morning,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55or 21:02 in layman's terms.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Coming up later I'll be live at another department
0:01:59 > 0:02:01finding out what exactly they do.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- BOING - What exactly they do!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05That's right!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Thanks again to colonoscopy for their live demonstration yesterday.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I'm sorry I broke your equipment.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Maybe next time warm it up a bit?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16OK, it's time now for my charity appeal.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- BOING - Charity appeal!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Yeah, that's right.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23MELANCHOLY MUSIC Henry's just eight years old and needs your help.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Henry's going blind and needs an operation.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32If we can raise just £30,000,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35then we can take Henry to America
0:02:35 > 0:02:39and we can help him see again.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42So very sad.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44UPBEAT: Right, here's Katrina & The Waves!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47MUSIC: Walking on Sunshine By Katrina & The Waves
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Wow, Ivan, we've had more donations in for Henry.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Some of the nurses clubbed together. Look - there must be over £800 here!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Amazing! It's so good to see the nurses taking some time out
0:02:57 > 0:02:59to help someone for a change.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Put it on the totaliser.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Five grand! That's miles more than you've ever raised.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I know! Where were this generosity
0:03:08 > 0:03:10when we were raising money for the new headphones?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Well, this is for an eight-year-old to have a sight-saving operation.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Yeah, exactly.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Don't make any sense.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26DOOR OPENS Oh, there you are.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Would it kill you to pick up your phone?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Yeah, sorry about that, my phone's still doing that weird thing
0:03:30 > 0:03:32where it's not getting any of your calls.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33SHE SIGHS
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Anyway, you'll never guess who's been admitted. Tony Jackson!
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Who?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40You know, Tony Jackson, the guy who runs Jackson's Pallets in town.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh! Maybe I should get my autograph book(!)
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Maybe I could have a selfie with him while I'm there(!)
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I thought you'd be interested.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49He's that millionaire who's donated loads to the hospital before.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Make sure he's got a decent bed - somewhere with a view.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- What ward's he on? - He's still waiting for a bed.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Sunny! We can't have him waiting for a bed.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01We've got a duty of care here at Brimlington.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Just chuck someone else out and make room for him.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06One of the tracheotomy patients, they won't say anything.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11That screening van out the front? I donated that. 50 grand.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Four dialysis machines. 20 grand each.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You can't fart in this hospital
0:04:15 > 0:04:17without it touching something I've paid for.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I actually donate a lot to this hospital, too.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Psychic readings, holistic healing practices.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25And I give that to the patients for free,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27even though some of them insist I don't have to.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I don't believe any of that rubbish.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31If you're psychic, how come you ain't won the lottery?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32How do you know I haven't?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Your haircut.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35You do get the sceptics
0:04:35 > 0:04:37what poo-poo what you do-do.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40But they don't get to me. They're just boring.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Can you imagine two sceptics at a party?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43"Hello, what's your name?"
0:04:43 > 0:04:44"Nigel."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Is it? Where's your evidence for that?"
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Put him on ward five, that's the best view.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52But have it cleaned top to bottom first, though.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53And a fresh coat of paint!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Make sure all the patients are presentable, no nasty tubes.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57And no coughers!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Why do we need to do all this? - He's a millionaire donor,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02and we're a hospital with a massive funding black hole.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05One cheque from him and this hospital's biggest problem could be solved.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- What, the MRSA rates?- No!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The serious lack of high-speed video conferencing facilities.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12If we show him a good time, who knows how much he'll give us.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Great. I'll get the nurses to give him round-the-clock bedbaths, then.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16That should keep him happy.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17That's a very good idea.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Tell them they don't have to do anything they're uncomfortable with.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22But it's for the good of the hospital,
0:05:22 > 0:05:23so now's not the time to be shy.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28As a psychic, I'm a strong conductor of spirits from the other side.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30The other side?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Sounds more like you're talking out of your backside.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35You've obviously no understanding of what it takes to be a medium.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36No.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I'm a large!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41When I was 15, I left school.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Only had five pound in my pocket.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I spent that on pallets.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46I made six quid.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I spent that on pallets.
0:05:48 > 0:05:5040 years later...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52..I've got an indoor swimming pool
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and a wife with a 50 grand boob job.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I owe it all to pallets.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06All right, all right.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Hey, ward five. How you doing?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Oh, come on, it's a hospital, not a morgue. You can do better than that!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Right, I'm going to go out, going to come back in,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I want a big ward five welcome, all right?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20All right, here we go!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I love this hospital chapel, it's like a home.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Especially since I upgraded the Sky to the movies.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29But nothing beats getting out there and spreading the Lord's word.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's like a sailor on shore leave.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33You feel cooped up after a while.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's nice to get out and have some fun.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Not sexual. You know, I'm celibate through choice.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Not mine.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45She's hurt her leg, just like that. Do you know what I call her?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Eileen. Do you get it?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Broke my leg in three places, Father.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Wouldn't go to those places again, then.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- I was literally about to say that. Tommy Cooper!- The best.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58My all-time hero. He's what got me in to this business.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- What, religion?- No, comedy!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Actually, Father, there was something...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Father Kenny. - Tony Jackson.- What you in for, Tony?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You'll never believe this. Swallowed a ten pound note.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I've got this! And the doctor said, "No change".
0:07:10 > 0:07:13You've got it!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15No, I collapsed this morning.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Eating a bacon butty.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Oh, and the bacon - lean back?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Very good! - HE LAUGHS
0:07:22 > 0:07:24No, it's not a joke.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28They don't know what's wrong with me, and they're running some tests.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Oh! Oh, well, listen. I'm doing a service later.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I like to put some jokes in it. Might be really up your street?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Be great to see you there.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- I might come. - Oh, great, Tony. See you later.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I've got to walk this one.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42HE BARKS
0:07:43 > 0:07:45It's a dog on a lead.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Listen, you've been fantastic.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I'm Father Kenny, I'll see you later.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52HE CONTINUES TO BARK AND TONY LAUGHS
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Right, which one's Tony?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Sleeping mouth open or fat and laughing?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Fat and laughing.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Mr Jackson? Susan Mitchell, hospital manager.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I am so sorry to hear about your fall.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'll be up and about in no time.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Takes more than a fall to keep Tony Jackson
0:08:10 > 0:08:12from doing a hard day's graft.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Yes.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I've brought you a selection of magazines.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18If you want anything more "top shelf", just ask Sunny.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I know you men have your needs.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Am I getting preferential treatment?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24No, I do this for all the patients.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I never got magazines.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Sunny, give that man a magazine.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Practical Carpentry or Carpworld?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Anything you need, just call and I'll come running.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'm impressed, Susan. You've got the personal touch.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43A lot of managers sit on their arses making calls.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44But not you.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49The way I see it, Tony, is these aren't patients. They're family.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I feel the same way about pallets.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Oh, speaking of family,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I always think a family is at its best when it stays in touch.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01And the best way to stay in touch is with high-speed video conferencing facilities.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Have you seen the nurses anywhere? I need the toilet.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Could you take me to the toilet?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- We're actually in the middle of something!- Susan?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Family member in need of help.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Er, I mean, yes, of course.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Why don't you come with me, I'll... I'll follow you. After you.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Blimey. She makes a change from the last manager here.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22He was useless. Whatever happened to him?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24He was promoted.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I try not to give my patients names because it tends to humanise them.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I identify them by...traits instead.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37It's like farmers, they don't name their pigs because they know,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39in a week or so, that pig'll be sausage.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Now it's time for the answers to What Am I?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47- RADIO JINGLE:- What am I?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51That's right, remember the question. I am made of wood.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55I am long and thin and I'm usually found in flooring.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57What am I?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58What am I?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Well, none of you got it.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I am a plank.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03OK, another one of those tomorrow.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07This is going out to little Henry who, with your help,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09might just see again.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11This is Bright Eyes.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15MUSIC: Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel
0:10:15 > 0:10:16You'll never guess who that was.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Er, Art Garfunkel. Next question.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20No, on the phone. That was Brimlington Echo!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24They've heard about Help Henry. They want to put him on the front page this afternoon.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Oh, brilliant!- I said I'd send them a photo. Can I use the poster one?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Yeah. It's a good picture of him, in't it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Shame me nephew's in it,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34but it's the only decent picture I've got of Henry.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Ivan?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Is Henry a rabbit?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You never said he was a rabbit.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Do you not think that maybe people maybe assumed he was the boy in the photo?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51No.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Don't you think that's why they're donating so much money?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56No. People like rabbits.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Just played Bright Eyes, it's a song about rabbitses eyes.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02No-one's going to make that mistake. They're not stupid.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04KNOCKING It's Mrs Leydon!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Come in!
0:11:06 > 0:11:11I hope you don't mind, but we had a special collection in church today
0:11:11 > 0:11:14for little Henry. Poor boy.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Just wanted you to know, he's in all our prayers.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Oh, thank you so much!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Oh, my gosh, look, Shaz. All this money!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28You've nothing to worry about. Henry's going to be just fine.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30HE GIGGLES GLEEFULLY
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Uh-huh.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Yeah? OK.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44They're saying you've just been on Safari, looking at the animals?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45- No.- Maybe not Safari,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- but this could be Firefox?- No.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Chrome?- No.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Looking at kittens?- No.- OK.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Uh-huh. And you've got a half brother.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- I haven't.- Yeah, you have.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00- Is that a hair piece?- No.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01- Herpes?- No!
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Did you sense that?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07There's someone trying to make themselves known.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08CREAKING AND KNOCKING
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Spirits, do you have a message for us?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- GRUFF VOICE:- Keep the noise down. I'm working nights!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Oh, very clever(!) The spirits have gone.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Now you've gone and ruined it for everybody.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Honestly.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31There you are! Look, I think you might need to deal with the isolation ward,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33there's a serious problem with your new outbreak procedures.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Forget about that, Sunny. This is important. Sit there.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I'm going to practise my pitch on you for Tony Jackson.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- We want this high-speed video conferencing.- Well, no, you do.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And we've literally got our very own dragon trapped in the hospital.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46He's not literally a dragon, is he?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I didn't mean literally in the literal sense.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Now, take a seat, I'm about to astonish you.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yeah, you normally do.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I am great at pitching business ideas.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58No-one forgets my presentations.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I always hang around after to listen in to see how they went down,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05and I'll often hear someone saying "What a pitch!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:06With better video facilities,
0:13:06 > 0:13:10key managerial staff, like me, will be able to work anywhere.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14The gym, home, even on holiday - as these figures show.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Er, what's that?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Oh, for goodness' sake!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I clearly told the printer put the pen drive on the boards!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Looks like they did it literally. In the literal sense.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Oh, for goodness' sake!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Right, open your hymn books.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Hymn number 105 - Morning Has Broken.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# Morning has broken
0:13:46 > 0:13:47What's it broken like?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50# Like the first morning
0:13:50 > 0:13:52What did the blackbird do?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# Blackbird has spoken
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What'd he sound like?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58# Like the first bird
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- What we giving praise for? - # Praise... #
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Hey, Tony, mate! You made it.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Just thought I'd pop by, see what all the fuss is about.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07He looks cross.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Not in the chapel.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- That's what she said.- Come on!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Normally you get one funny man and one straight man.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16But me and Tony are both funny.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Neither of us are straight.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I didn't, I didn't mean that! God, he'll laugh when I tell him that!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25OK, who's best?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- IN A POSH ACCENT:- Good moaning.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Good moaning.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I was just pissing by the door.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: - You stupid woman.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- IN A GERMAN ACCENT:- Ze fallen Madonna with ze big boobies.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Shall we have another hymn?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41All right, Mrs L. Just Me and Tony have got something going on here.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42- Right, were we?- Dunno.- Think.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45All right, all right. Didn't expect the Spanish inquisition.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49THEY LAUGH
0:14:49 > 0:14:51All right, another hymn, Mrs L. All right.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55If you fancy a laugh, I've got a thing going with the hospital radio DJ.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Fake requests. Do you fancy it?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Yeah, all right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09And this song request is just in. It's for Linda with cystitis.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14# She's just a girl and she's on fire... #
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Oh, my God!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Ivan, have you seen this? The Brimlington Echo.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh, brilliant! Look, I'm in the paper!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26"Hospital DJ raising money for local boy."
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oh, I think I know what's happened here.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31They think Henry's the boy in the picture as well.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33You think?!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- The phone's been ringing off the hook with donations.- Brilliant!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38No, Ivan! People think they're helping a sick child.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I think this might be fraud.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Oh, it'll be fine.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44PHONE BEEPS Oh, got a text message from my sister.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"Why you raising money for Oliver?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Even she's confused!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Her own son. Is it just me, or has the world gone mad?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54You need to tell people the truth.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Isn't it more important that Henry gets better and visits Disneyland?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01You're raising this money to go to Disneyland?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03No, but we're in America anyway, so we may as well.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Otherwise it's a bit like visiting Paris
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and not going to Disneyland...Paris.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Ivan, this is serious. You could get in big trouble.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Don't worry. We'll never raise all the money anyway,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16and then we'll just give it back.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18But you're telling Henry.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I can't.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Not after the year he's had.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Don't, Henry!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Oh, Tony! I was just passing and completely forgot you were in here.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38The grub here is great.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Do the all patients get the same?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Venison, pomme dauphinoise and a port reduction?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Yes. And not just in here, throughout the whole hospital.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Oh, er, while I've got you, Tony,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51there's an idea I'd quite like to pitch to you.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Don't worry, I won't waste any of your time.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Why? Have I not got much time left?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Have the doctors told you something I don't know?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- SHE LAUGHS - I never listen to the doctors.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03No. This is about something the hospital needs.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Look at any calendar and it'll tell you it's the 21st century.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10But look at the video conferencing capabilities of Brimlington Hospital
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and it's a very different story.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Need to take you to radiography now. - Great.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Wait! We're in the middle of a very important pitch here.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20I need the toilet again.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Oh, for the love of God! Fine! Out.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I'll catch you up later, Tony. OK?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Move it!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33In this hospital, every patient is equal.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Which is something I'm hoping to change.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Look at trains -
0:17:37 > 0:17:40they're allowed first and second class passengers.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Why can't we have the same with patients?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45A lot of my inspiration comes from the railways
0:17:45 > 0:17:47and how brilliantly they're managed.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Just texting Tone. He's got his scan.- Aww.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53What do you reckon - "Good luck with the scan,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56"hope they find out why you're such a knobhead. Winky face."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58What about, erm...
0:17:58 > 0:18:02"My prayers with you at this difficult time, blessed friend."
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Aw, that's much better, but I've just sent it.- Oh.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07He's great, isn't he, Tone?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Shall I text him the one about sitting on Pinocchio's face and telling him to lie?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- SHE GASPS - He'd love that!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Right, too blue? OK.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Send it anyway.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Just a quick wash on 30 degrees, please, love. No spin.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I'm just checking that you can hear me on the intercom.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You what, love?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Only joking.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33One minute! Can I get this... Can I get...
0:18:33 > 0:18:34What are you doing, Susan?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36We'll break it!
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Tony, Susan here.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Bloody hell, Susan, I'm in the middle of something here.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Absolutely, and do you know what we're all in the middle of?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45A telecommunications new age.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Now with just £200,000, this hospital could become...
0:18:49 > 0:18:53All right, Susan. Write something down, I'll read it later.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Thank you so much, Tony. You won't regret this.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Right, you can have this back now.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Sorry about that. Is everything OK?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Are there any problems with ventilation in here?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Ventilation? No, why?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY
0:19:19 > 0:19:22They reckon they'll have the results by the end of today.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24That's quick. Someone must have pulled some strings.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28What's that all about?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Fundraising for a little lad.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33But don't worry, the spirits are telling me he's going to be fine.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And they're telling me they've never heard of you
0:19:36 > 0:19:37and you're full of crap.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46So, did you leave a copy of the proposal by Tony's bed?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Yeah, but he wasn't there.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Last I saw he was about to go on hospital radio.- What?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- RADIO JINGLE:- ...DJs! Ivan Brackenbury!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Well, we are very lucky to be joined by local businessman and ill man
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Tony Jackson. Whoo!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Now, Tony, you've asked to come on
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- and talk about something very special.- That's right.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10For those who don't know,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I've donated a lot of money to this hospital in the past
0:20:13 > 0:20:16and now I'm moved to put my hand in my pocket again.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19He's read it. The pitch worked!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I was moved when you told me the story of little Henry.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27So I've decided to give you the rest of the money
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- to send Henry to America. - Oh, right! Yay!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Who the hell is Henry? IVAN:- USA, USA!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I don't know!
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Ivan, is there anything you'd like to say about Henry?- No.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Or Mr Jackson?- No.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Or the listeners who've donated their money in good faith?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46No.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50OK, this is a song to the very lucky Henry.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53MUSIC: Rabbit by Chas & Dave
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Honesty is always the best policy.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Unless there are advantages to lying.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Like going to Disney World.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I never said Henry wasn't a rabbit, did I?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08People just assumed.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And that is prejudiced against rabbits.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21So we've found out what the problem was.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24OK, Doc. Give me it straight. Don't sugar the pill.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Is it the big C?- No, it's not.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30But it is a C.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You're constipated.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Beg your pardon?- Yes, it's more common than you think.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38In extreme cases constipation can be so acute as to lead to
0:21:38 > 0:21:40dizziness and passing out.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43So all the time I thought I was dying, I just needed a number two?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Your GP will want to keep an eye on it,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47but otherwise it's just more fibre and fluids.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Thank you very much.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52I'll leave you to get ready.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Tony, it's... Oh, what idiot shut these?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Let's get some fresh air in here.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Right.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I just wanted to check you'd read the proposal.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Susan, I'm an honest man, and I say what I think.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11No.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I haven't, and I'll tell you why.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Because you don't need my help.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20But the equipment could revolutionise the running of the hospital.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Susan, there's nothing wrong with this hospital.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Have a look -
0:22:26 > 0:22:27the wards are spotless,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30complimentary magazines for the patients,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32gourmet food.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I've never seen a hospital like it.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37We really need the money.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Susan, you are a great manager.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45You've turned this hospital around.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Well done.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Great. Well, that backfired, then.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56What? Didn't you hear him?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59He said I was a great manager.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I want that put on a sign by the entrance to the hospital.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06"Susan Mitchell - A Great Manager. Tony Jackson."
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It's great when your efforts are recognised
0:23:08 > 0:23:12by a distinguished business leader like Tony Jackson.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16It means so much more than praise from the patients or staff
0:23:16 > 0:23:19who don't see the bigger picture, like Tony and I.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22They've only experienced the hospital from the inside,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25which is bound to give you an imbalanced view.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oi!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Derren Blonde.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I've got the all clear.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Turns out all I needed was a dump.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- What?- Constipation.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And as I paid for the toilets here, I'm going to get my money's worth.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43So if you'll excuse me, I may be some time.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45HE LAUGHS
0:23:48 > 0:23:51He said to me I'm full of crap,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53and he turned out to be constipated.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Does that prove I'm in sync with the universe??
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Well, I'll leave that to you to decide.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00But, yes.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Just come to see how Tony's getting on. What, the steering wheel?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13It's driving me nuts!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14HE LAUGHS
0:24:14 > 0:24:16So, where is he?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17The patient checked out earlier.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh. Thought he might've said goodbye.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Guess he was in a rush or something.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Father?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'm very worried about my operation.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I was hoping that maybe you'd pray with me.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Of course I will, love. All right.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Our Father, who art in heaven.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37STEERING WHEEL MAKES CAR NOISES
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Hallowed be thy name.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39NOISES PERSIST
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Cheer up. Who's died?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Hey, Tony! I thought you'd gone.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I haven't been out of here for weeks. I thought you'd heard.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59HE LAUGHS
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Can't go without saying bye to my mate, could I?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Aw, that's lovely.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- STEERING WHEEL WHIRS - I love that.- Yeah, do you like it?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Don't tell me.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08It drives me nuts!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I knew you'd get it!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14They say you always have a friend in Jesus, and that's true.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17But it's important to make sure you've got other friends, too.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20You can't go down to the pub with Jesus for a pint.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Well, you can, but only with him in your heart.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23You can't talk to him.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26You sit in a pub talking to Jesus, and they'll throw you out.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29What I'm saying is, make sure Jesus is your friend,
0:25:29 > 0:25:30but have other mates, too.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33You know, for the pub and going out with.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Thank you once again for all your generous donations.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Henry is going to have a spring in his hop, I mean, step,
0:25:39 > 0:25:40when I tell him later.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44That's all from me until next time, but here's a final request for Alf
0:25:44 > 0:25:47who's had his left foot and left arm removed.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It's Free, and All Right Now!
0:25:49 > 0:25:53MUSIC: All Right Now by Free
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Oh, for goodness' sake!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Ridiculous!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Why can't they get the thing right? Are you laughing?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Do you think it's funny? Get out!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Get out!