0:00:41 > 0:00:47MUSIC: Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart by Gene Pitney
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Someone has died at Brimlington.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Not a patient - they die all the time -
0:00:54 > 0:00:57but a member of staff, so this is serious.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- DOOR CLOSES - Hey up.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Eurgh! Oh, God! How many sugars in that?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Four, like always.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Five in a Sports Direct mug. Hang on.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Yay! Absolutely love that!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19That was for Big John who, it seemed,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21looked after everyone but himself.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23His memorial will be today in the chapel.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Now, it says here that medical staff are very keen
0:01:26 > 0:01:29to keep John's memory alive.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Well, it's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?
0:01:32 > 0:01:37OK. So, on with the show. Here's another one for Big John.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- Oh, such a shock.- Yeah.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Not for me. I predicted it with the Tarot.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44The doctors did all they could with conventional medicine.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- If only I'd got there sooner. - He died of a massive heart attack.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Yeah, I know. I've got a crystal for that.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Hey, you do realise that we're going to need you to cover for Big John
0:01:53 > 0:01:55until we find a new head porter, right?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Oh, I can't possibly.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I've got all my psychic healing work to do.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- You don't look very busy. - Yeah, I am.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- No, you're not.- Yeah, I am, though. - You will be busy, though.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05You're going to be run off your feet.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Surprised you didn't see that coming.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Hey, Susan.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Have you thought about saying a few words at Big John's memorial?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20And I really think it might help raise
0:02:20 > 0:02:23your staff approval rating from its record low.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25No, I'll be far too busy with Tyler Watt
0:02:25 > 0:02:27to do some memorial service, Sunny.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ah, yes, Tyler Watt,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32the author of Cheeky Little Dinners For Winners.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Yes.- You do realise that Big John had a massive heart attack
0:02:35 > 0:02:38going up the stairs cos the lift was out, right?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Makes you think, doesn't it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Any one of us could have been underneath him when he fell.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Yeah, it makes me think that maybe we should have got the lift fixed
0:02:45 > 0:02:47before getting a nutritionist in.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Sunny, one of my staff members has died at work.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52This is a personal tragedy,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54especially if the health minister finds out.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I need to show we can take staff health seriously, and fast.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01All right. And the best way to do that is with a health PR stunt?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Exactly. You're learning, Sunny.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We're going to stamp out this culture of excess and laziness,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07starting with you.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Now, go and fetch my airport buggy.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Please.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- HORN HONKS - Stay back! Get over!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Tyler's book is amazing.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17It's full of healthy dinners
0:03:17 > 0:03:20that can be prepared in five minutes or less.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Sourcing the ingredients can take months, though.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25That's why I use substitutions.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30So, if I can't get cauliflower rice, I just use regular rice instead.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Or chips.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Honestly!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Tyler, such an honour. Susan Mitchell.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46We absolutely love your book, don't we, Sunny?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Oh, yes, I've flicked through it from cover-to-cover
0:03:49 > 0:03:50and read the whole back, in fact.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They're calling it a nutrition bible,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54which is a bit embarrassing,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56but I can see where the comparisons come from -
0:03:56 > 0:03:57man from humble beginnings,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59powerful message that changes the world.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Jamie Oliver?- No, not Jamie Oliver. Jamie Oliver is a cook!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I'm a nutritionist. That's a visionary, you know?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Shall we make our way to the hospital radio studio?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10- I'm yours.- Yes, hop on.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Let's get your message straight out there.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Move out the way!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16TYRES SCREECH, LIGHT BANGS
0:04:16 > 0:04:18People look at my book. That's a tool for change.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20People look at my van. That's a tool for change.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23People look at me, myself, my hair, my body.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25LIGHT BANGS That's a tool, too.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I've got to say, I'm probably the biggest tool going.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- ON RADIO:- 'You're listening to Hospital Radio.'
0:04:31 > 0:04:33OK, here we are - Hospital Radio.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Brake! - TYRES SCREECH
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Now, we have an exclusive interview.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41All of Brimlington's staff are having our health scrutinised,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44which makes a nice change from it all being about you patients.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47So, we have our very own special nutritionalist
0:04:47 > 0:04:49in the studio, Tyler Watts.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Hiya!- Hi there, Ivan.- Hiya!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Now, I always make sure I get my five-a-day.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Today, I'm having five blueberries.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58There might even be more in here, I don't know.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00TYLER CHUCKLES All right.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The reason I'm here today with you, Ivan,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06is I'm going to totally revolutionise this hospital
0:05:06 > 0:05:09using a philosophy what I invented myself,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13out of my book that boils down to four very simple rules.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Well, I have to ask -
0:05:15 > 0:05:19if you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be and why?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21And you can't say rich tea cos they're boring.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24What's he doing? Could we look again at the possibility
0:05:24 > 0:05:26of turning this into a Costa Coffee?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Right, listeners, do e-mail in some questions for Tyler.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Quickly, please, cos I can't think of any more.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What are the four rules in your book, Tyler?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Thank you, Shaz.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41One - nobody else can make you healthy.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Two - never, ever, ever eat sugar.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Three - always snack on vegetables.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49And four - eat three things every day
0:05:49 > 0:05:52that a normal person wouldn't be confident in pronouncing.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Acai berries, kombucha, quinoa.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- Pasgetti, Toberalome, um, Domlio. - No, I tell you...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Listen, mate, this is a lot worse than I thought, as a matter of fact.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You're a right wreck. I tell you what I'm going to do.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I'm going to impose a total ban on all sugar
0:06:08 > 0:06:10across this entire hospital.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- No, no, no, forget that, mate. - Oh, no.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17By the way, mate, if I was a biscuit, I'd kill myself.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Think about that.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I'm going to put him down as a fig roll.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Is he a patient?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, he was an absolute imbecile, but you did a brilliant job.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32HORN HONKS
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Right, e-mail from Father Kenny, the hospital chaplain.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40The Chapel OAPs' Club have had great success with their
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"free Viagra" campaign.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46He says they've seen their members go right up!
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Ivan Brackenbury...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49We got him again, Mrs L.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Oh, it's not the same, though,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52without Big John here to laugh at that with me.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You know, it's not the first time I've lost a colleague at work.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Oh, dear. - Yeah, when I was at college,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00my roommate was found dead, face down in his muesli.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Really?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Yeah, they said he was pulled under by a strong CURRANT.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Right.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It's a joke, Mrs Leydon.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Big John told it to me!
0:07:08 > 0:07:12It's so sad, but, you know, Big John was very popular,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16and I do love a eulogy, so today is a massive gig for me!
0:07:16 > 0:07:17MRS LEYDON GUFFAWS
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Strong currant!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Right.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Oh, what a horrible way to go.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Toxic!
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Oh! Filth!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35OK. All of this?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- OK, erm...- Poison! Get rid of it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Tyler, wasn't rule number one that you have to let people
0:07:40 > 0:07:42decide for themselves to be healthy, and not you?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Look, Sunny, if that's your real name,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I've lost a lot of good friends to this crap, OK?
0:07:48 > 0:07:49What, they died?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52No, no, they cut me off emotionally cos I kept putting
0:07:52 > 0:07:53all their stuff in bin bags.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58In a hospital - a place of medicine!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01The staff are not going to be happy. Think of the approval rating.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Well, they should've thought about that before
0:08:03 > 0:08:05they started dropping dead in the middle of shifts.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- What about the Hippocratic Oath? - Don't forget the fudge!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Who eats things like this?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11It's a bad idea, OK?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13This place runs on sugar -
0:08:13 > 0:08:15sugar and the revenue from the car park.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I mean, you can't ban it, anyway - sugar's in everything.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21A carrot, for example, has five grams of sugar in it,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24so all I have to do is eat...
0:08:24 > 0:08:2615 carrots and I've just had a Toffee Crisp.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37The joke is on management,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39because now I've got the use of Big John's office,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41so, finally, I have somewhere
0:08:41 > 0:08:43to practise my practice.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Let's see what the future holds for you, shall we?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55The Star -
0:08:55 > 0:08:58that means you're going to see a star.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02The Moon -
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I'm sensing that you're going to go out at night.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11The Hierophant -
0:09:11 > 0:09:13that means you're going to get one of them.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14What is it?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18That is a very good question, Geraldine.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22The hierophant is a high priest,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26or a person that interprets sacred mysteries.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, I'm a hierophant.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- PAGER BEEPS - Oh...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The head porter's beeper does beep a lot more
0:09:34 > 0:09:35than my old one used to.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Right, let's just concentrate on the cards...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41PAGER BEEPS
0:09:41 > 0:09:44There are eight surgeons working at any one time in this hospital,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46but only one hierophant,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48and he has to keep stopping work to go and wheel people about!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- PAGER BEEPS - Oh, for...
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Right. They're having a laugh!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Oi, you, David Bellamy!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Careful with that doppelganger - that's my likeness.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04How are the new menus coming along?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05"Water into wine"?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07This is next-level, love.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11What I've done is I've turned cheesy chips into a salad station.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Oh, love it!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15The salad bar is my favourite part of the Harvester experience.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Crispy croutons, bacon bits, Thousand Island...
0:10:17 > 0:10:18No, no, no, no, no!
0:10:18 > 0:10:22This is all raw vegetables, grains and ancient seeds.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Erm, Tyler, what have you turned a jacket with cheese and beans into?
0:10:25 > 0:10:30Tender broccoli stems on a bed of celeriac mash with anchovy foam.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Finally! My favourite!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I've taught the chef how to pronounce everything -
0:10:35 > 0:10:37now all he needs to do is learn how to cook it all.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Isn't that right? TYLER LAUGHS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40This is exactly what the staff here need!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Yeah, you're telling me.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Some of your worst offenders are being quarantined into this zone.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48These are what we in the nutrition game call "shame tables".
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Come and have a look at this. - Ooh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53One of my great pioneering techniques is the "shame table".
0:10:53 > 0:10:55You get people to fill in a form of everything they eat
0:10:55 > 0:10:58during a week, then you put those things on a table.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59That's when the shame kicks in -
0:10:59 > 0:11:03when they see what they're actually putting into their bodies.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Right, Ivan, this is you, is it, mate?
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Any food that comes with, like, a free toy or a balloon on a stick,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13any of that, that's not good for you, mate.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14That's a real red flag.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- What does your doctor say about all this?- Nothing.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20In fact, I got this lollipop for being brave in my diabetes test.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Bruv, that's not a badge of honour.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Tyler, can I have a Curly Wurly?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Cos they're mainly holes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27No! They're mainly sugar,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and sugar is now banned from this entire hospital.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It's the new mad cows' disease!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I ate loads of beef in the '80s,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and there's nothing wrong with me.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41HE MOOS
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- HE GIGGLES - Do you get it? It's a cow.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45But, you know, I did, though,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47and it's all scare-mongering, isn't it?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Same as that asbestos.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I ate loads of that too.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55This is a lot of biscuits.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Well, I had family over.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Mrs Leydon, you're only supposed to put down the things that YOU ate.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Oh, I thought this was about shopping.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Well, that does at least explain the cat food.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No, I'm a nutrition expert, you know?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12A master of healthy eating.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, like Jamie Oliver?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17No, not like Jamie Oliver. Why do people keep saying that?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Your family drink a lot of gin, don't they, love?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, no, that's all mine.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I do like a bottle of gin in the evening, with me biscuits,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and I sometimes watch Jamie Oliver.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Do you know him?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30If that health guru comes
0:12:30 > 0:12:32sniffing around me, I've got a plan.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I turned my life around, with God's help. Ha-ha!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Only joking, these were Big John's.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Cheers, fella.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Anyway, I've got a memorial to get ready for.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I can't waste my time going around eating couscous.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Oh, here we go!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49What's this smorgasbord of misery?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"Susan Mitchell".
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Oh, you've done a table for me? I didn't think that...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Yes, I filled out a form for you. I was very thorough.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Oh, thank you, Sunny(!)
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Yeah, you're welcome.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Lattes, pastries, muffins.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Low-fat muffins.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Yeah, but there's about 18 of them.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05And what about all these fags?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Oh, I only have one when I'm stressed,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09or after sex, which hasn't been for a while -
0:13:09 > 0:13:11hence the stress.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Suze, if you don't love yourself,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17how are you going to find someone to love you?
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Tinder?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I'll tell you what, you're going down the wrong road, you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23All this junk food, cigarettes,
0:13:23 > 0:13:24going around on that mobility scooter.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- It's an airport buggy. - Whatever.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It's for efficiency. I'm in great shape.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I'll level with you -
0:13:30 > 0:13:33you're clad in some impossible lady lumps there.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Thank you for noticing.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36You are un poquito Bootylicious.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38In R&B, these are all good things, aren't they?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39What are you saying?
0:13:39 > 0:13:44You're a bit fat, but I can heal you.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Well, I've never been skinny.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47When I was at school, some of the boys were quite cruel.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50They used to call me names like Lazy Susan,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Sumo Mitchell, the Mitchell-in Man...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Didn't give me a complex, though.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56My father used to say,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"You should punch those boys on the nose -
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"you're built like a brick shit-house,"
0:14:01 > 0:14:02and that gave me a complex.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10No Fruit Corners, just a chia-seed pudding.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I'm going to need brainfood, Mrs L.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Oh, I should have picked up the biscuits.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I'm not just writing a load of hack fat jokes for this memorial.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21I need some quality fat jokes.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26I'm looking at these "yo mama" websites, just trying a few out.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"Yo mama's so fat, she was baptised at Sea World."
0:14:29 > 0:14:30- Oh, no.- No?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31I don't think you should do that.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Better for a christening.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Hmm, maybe.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"Yo mama's so dumb, she stared at the orange juice
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"cos it said 'concentrate'."
0:14:39 > 0:14:40No.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Bit off-topic, though, isn't it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Step aside.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Suze, the games are over.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53It's time for some tough love.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Am I going to need a cigarette?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- We're not having sex, Suze. - Oh.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57No way.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I'm talking about this obesity cape.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I found it just staring at me, bold as brass, like some sort of
0:15:03 > 0:15:06miracle burning bush staring out of a nurse's cubby-hole!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08That's a bariatric training suit -
0:15:08 > 0:15:11nurses wear them to learn what it's like to be an overweight patient.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Complete waste of money!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13It'd be cheaper to fatten them up.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I don't need to know its life story, love.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I just want to know if it's going to work
0:15:17 > 0:15:19for this brilliant idea what I've conceived of.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21What? Why are you putting this on me?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23This place is full of slobs who eat junk.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Yeah, exactly, and you are their leader.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You've got to set them an example.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32By Jove, that is an apocalyptic glimpse at a broken future.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Look at your disgusting abdomen and your asymmetrical knockers.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Look at your face!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39We haven't done anything to my face!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41This is madness, Tyler.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43You may laugh,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46but did they not too laugh at Jesus Christ our Lord?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57"And I suppose that's what happens when your blood type's Bisto.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"RIP, John."
0:15:59 > 0:16:02So, I've just done my work-in-progress gig for Mrs Leydon.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Some big laughs.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06A lot of references did go over her head.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I mean, who doesn't know who Jabba the Hutt is?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Look at her, she's all laughed-out!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I might drop that bit anyway.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14The impression's not really landing.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15But that's why you do these previews -
0:16:15 > 0:16:17hone your material.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Ivan Brackenbury!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20- ROBOT VOICE:- He's bonkers.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I'm used to tighten bolts.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I'm normally made of stainless steel.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I'm sometimes called a wrench.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31What am I?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33What am I?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Half a point to anyone who said I'm a tool.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I'm not - I'm a spanner.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41And we've got an e-mail here.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"Are you all right, Ivan?"
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Yeah, I'm fine!
0:16:45 > 0:16:46I'm loving the sugar ban!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Get off my back! I feel great!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Tired, and sad, and a bit achy, but great.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Big John's memorial is starting soon.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57That's a reminder to us all we could disappear into nothing
0:16:57 > 0:16:59at a moment's notice.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02This is REM with Everybody Hurts.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Ow!
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Milk, no sugar.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Oh, God. That's gross!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12It's bitter!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Is that what tea tastes like?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Ugh!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19# When your day is long
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# And the night
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# The night is yours alone
0:17:31 > 0:17:36# When you're sure you've had enough
0:17:36 > 0:17:40# Of this life
0:17:40 > 0:17:42# Well, hang on
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# Everybody hurts... #
0:17:50 > 0:17:52SUSAN PANTS
0:17:52 > 0:17:55# Sometimes... #
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Oh, you look different.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Have you changed your hair?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Don't be stupid, Sunny.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Hard work, these stairs, when there's no lift.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, I got you a tea.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Almost there. Yeah, there we go. - SHE SIGHS
0:18:13 > 0:18:17So, the shop and the canteen have taken almost zero money today,
0:18:17 > 0:18:21so that's two big revenue streams completely gone.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Why are you here, Sunny?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Oh, we received this.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It looked important so I opened it.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's the coroner's report for Big John.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Yeah, it turns out that he was actually in pretty good health.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35He died of an inherited heart condition,
0:18:35 > 0:18:40so this has, kind of, all been for nothing, really.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You love this, Sunny, don't you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43You love me looking silly...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47MUSIC: Creep by Radiohead
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Doris says, "Can we have some Wig-Wam Bam?"
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Grow up, Doris! We're having some more Radiohead.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Act your age!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Ivan, I've made you another cup of tea.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I know I saw some mint imperials somewhere under a cupboard
0:19:00 > 0:19:01in this hospital.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I just can't remember where.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04The Children's Ward!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Bravery lollipops - the sweetest taste of all!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Ivan, just drink your tea.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I think you'll like it.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13MUSIC: No Surprises by Radiohead
0:19:13 > 0:19:17# Full up like a landfill
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# A job that slowly kills you... #
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It's got sugar in it, hasn't it? Oh, my goodness!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- There's five of them, isn't there? - HE GIGGLES
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Sugar to Ivan is like spinach to Popeye.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I know it's bad for him, but if he's miserable,
0:19:32 > 0:19:33all the old dears will get miserable too,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35and that's even worse for them.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39A DJ's job is to be happy.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I think that's the only useful thing I've ever learnt from Ivan.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Right. He's coming...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I can't do it! You're going to have to sack him.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It'll be my pleasure. I hate bloody carrots.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55What are you doing?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I can't get into my usual hiding place!
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Yo, winners,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I've got something here that's going to rock your little world right up.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04SUNNY COUGHS Apple spirals on a bed of gluten-free oats,
0:20:04 > 0:20:05dusted with walnuts. Do you want to try?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Oh, yummy! Tyler, Sunny's got something to tell you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Yeah, what? SUNNY COUGHS
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Don't be such a chicken, Sunny.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You haven't lost your voice. You can't lose it that quickly.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Tell Tyler.- Tell Tyler what? SUNNY COUGHS
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Sunny thinks we're going to have to let you go.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22SUNNY COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS What?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Wait, is he choking?!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Raise a leg if you're choking, Sunny.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27SUNNY SPLUTTERS
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Oh, my God! Tyler, you're going to have to save him!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31OK. All right.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Listen to me, Sunny, this is very important!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37The first rule is - only you can decide to be healthy.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Yeah? Hmm?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Yeah, no, this is pretty serious.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43SUNNY SPLUTTERS I'm going to need ginseng, some mouse milk, fairy dust...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, get out of the way! I'm calling A&E.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Sunny, is it 9 for an outside line?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Just raise a leg for yes. - HE GROANS
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Or maybe I should call Resus.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52What's the extension?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54There's no point. He's going blue. He's finished.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Don't die on me, Sunny!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I can't lose two people in the same week -
0:20:57 > 0:20:59it'll reflect really badly on me!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Come... Come on... Come on!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04One, two, three. Hup!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- He's gone.- One, two, three.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08SUNNY GROANS Yes!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Come here, come here...
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Get out, Tyler. You're fired!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Your healthy eating's nearly killed Sunny!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17My healthy eating nearly killed him?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I've added probably a decade to his life.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I bet his colon looks beautiful.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I'll tell you what, you don't deserve me.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I'm going to go somewhere where my visions are appreciated,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and leave you here to have your perverse little love triangle.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Goodbye forever!
0:21:30 > 0:21:31It's disgusting!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35HE WHIMPERS
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Right, we've got Big John's memorial to go to.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- No, no, wait!- What?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46You've been telling me all day I should say a few words!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Yes, but maybe you should take the fat-suit off first?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Yeah, you're right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Well, get on with it!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:03 > 0:22:06We are gathered here today to remember Big John,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10and it's a testament to the great man that this is one of the biggest
0:22:10 > 0:22:13audiences we've had in the chapel,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15so I think we should get a selfie!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17All right, everybody bunch up.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Come on, big smiles.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Let's see it. Are you ready? Bunch up. Come on now.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- CAMERA CLICKS - There we go.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Oh, he'd love that.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Even as a child, John was always big.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32No-one knows why - puppy fat, glands, big bones...
0:22:32 > 0:22:33He'd eat anything.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35QUIET LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Big John was a grafter -
0:22:37 > 0:22:39he always had far too much on his plate!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41SLIGHTLY LOUDER LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Mrs Leydon likes that one.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46He's the kind of guy that would really brighten up a room,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48especially when he moved away from the window.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- LOUD LAUGHTER - All right?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Apparently, he was baptised at Sea World.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55SILENCE
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Too soon? All right, there's the line, that's fine.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Out of the corner of my eye, I can see our hospital manager -
0:23:00 > 0:23:02give her a big round of applause.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04POLITE APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Please welcome Susan Mitchell.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Well, today I have learnt that we should never
0:23:15 > 0:23:17judge a book by its cover,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19unless that book is Cheeky Little Dinners For Winners!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21THEY CHUCKLE
0:23:21 > 0:23:23The sugar ban has been lifted.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- CHEERING - Right? It should have never been on.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Tomorrow there'll be cheesy chips and sticky toffee pudding
0:23:28 > 0:23:30in the canteen.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32CHEERING
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Oh, goodness, I've never been cheered before.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Oh, I loved Big John. I really miss him.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Let's... Let's sing a song to heaven's newest angel.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Erm...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45# My life is brilliant
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# My love is pure
0:23:47 > 0:23:49# I saw an angel
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# Of that I'm sure
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# She smiled at me on the subway
0:23:53 > 0:23:55# She was with another man
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# But I won't lose no sleep on that
0:23:57 > 0:23:59# Cos I've got a plan
0:23:59 > 0:24:03# You're beautiful You're beautiful
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- # You're beautiful, it's true - You're beautiful, it's true
0:24:07 > 0:24:09# I saw your face
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# In a crowded place
0:24:12 > 0:24:17# And I don't know what to do
0:24:17 > 0:24:20# Cos I'll never be with you... #
0:24:20 > 0:24:22MUSIC FADES IN: You're Beautiful by James Blunt
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# You're beautiful... #
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Come on everyone, get up!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# You're beautiful
0:24:28 > 0:24:30# You're beautiful, it's true
0:24:33 > 0:24:36# I saw your face
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# In a crowded place... # PAGER BEEPS
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# And I don't know what to do
0:24:46 > 0:24:50# Cos I'll never be with you... #
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I'll rise again.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# I will never be with you. #
0:25:00 > 0:25:03DISTANT SIRENS WAIL
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Hospital radio - listen to the difference.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Hey it's me, Ivan Brack-Brack-Brack-Brackenbury!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I feel fantastic!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I hope all you sick and dying patients do too.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17So, the sugar ban's been lifted!
0:25:17 > 0:25:21We are L-E-I-V, live!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22- ROBOT VOICE:- He's bonkers.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24OK, so a bit of an update -
0:25:24 > 0:25:27it turns out that the free Viagra at the chapel
0:25:27 > 0:25:31that the OAPs were handing out was fake stuff bought online from China.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Sadly, Father Kenny says that they are now expecting to see
0:25:35 > 0:25:37their members start to drop off.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Am I annoyed that the hospital manager upstaged me?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43No. It's not about me.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47This whole memorial thing was, kind of, about John in many ways.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I have started jotting down some jokes, though,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51in case Helen the dwarf from the canteen dies -
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I do not want to lose that one.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55MUSIC: Wig-Wam Bam by Sweet
0:25:55 > 0:25:58This is going out to lovely Doris. This is Sweet!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# Hiawatha didn't bother too much... #
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Another cup of tea, Shaz?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# And her tender touch
0:26:06 > 0:26:10# Till she took him to the silver stream
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# Then she whispered words like he had never heard
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# That made him all shudder inside when she said
0:26:17 > 0:26:19# Wig-wam bam
0:26:19 > 0:26:21# Gonna make you my man
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# Wam bam bam
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# Gonna get you if I can
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# Wig-wam bam
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# Wanna make you understand
0:26:29 > 0:26:30# Try a little touch
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# Try a little too much
0:26:32 > 0:26:36# Just try a little wig-wam bam
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# Running Bear never cared enough
0:26:41 > 0:26:44# About Little White Dove and her tender love... #