0:00:02 > 0:00:07- RADIO:- 'The UK's favourite DJs. Ivan Brackenbury!'
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hiya. You're listening to your friend and mine - me!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Ivan Brackenbury.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13This week at Brimlington Hospital,
0:00:13 > 0:00:19we're celebrating National Diarrhoea Week, runs till Friday.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22This is today's news headlines. Bong!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25The hospital hypochondriac support group
0:00:25 > 0:00:28has been cancelled due to illness. And in other news...
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Bong!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Four dead in roof collapse. Oh, sorry!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Bong!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Four dead in roof collapse.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41this is The Weather Girls on Hospital Radio.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44MUSIC: It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# It's raining men
0:00:46 > 0:00:48# Amen
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# It's raining men
0:00:50 > 0:00:51# Hallelujah
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# It's raining men. #
0:01:34 > 0:01:37No! This is my legacy, Sunny, just make it happen!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Well, I was just saying that if you want to call the new ward, "Ward Number One,"
0:01:40 > 0:01:42we should just make the current Ward One into Ward Six
0:01:42 > 0:01:44and then not so many signs need to be changed.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47No, the new ward is "Ward Number One,"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49all the other wards move up one.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51We're only changing them by one. What's the big deal?
0:01:51 > 0:01:55OK, so let me get this clear, you want all the signs changed...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- today?- Yes!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59The Health Minister herself is coming in today
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- and we have to impress her. Make it happen, Sunny.- OK.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Oh, and, Sunny, do something about that smell.- What smell?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Hospital.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Yeah, I'd like to manage a hospital myself one day.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And working here has been invaluable to me,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I've managed to learn from a lot of mistakes,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21without actually being the one who's made them.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Look, I'm all backwards today!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I've got me clothes on backwards, I'm walking backwards,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I even drove into work this morning backwards.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Loads of people honking their horns in support!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41And this morning, I sat on the toilet backwards,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43which was honestly quite bonkers.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- RECORDED MESSAGE:- 'He's bonkers!'
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And here's me trainee producer, Shaz,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50she didn't even notice I had my clothes on backwards today,
0:02:50 > 0:02:51did you, Shaz?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I did, but I thought you'd done it by accident again.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Right, well, that only happened once!
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Right, not long till I'll be out and about on the wards being backwards
0:03:00 > 0:03:01to raise funds...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Fundraising's a big part of what I do.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We've had Talk Like A Pirate Day, Bring Your Pets To Work Day.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Yes Means No And No Means Yes Day.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Did the patients love that one?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14No!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Which was sad cos I thought it were really good fun.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21OK, remember the clocks do go forward this weekend,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24which is great news for you seniors.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- An extra hour to live! - No, they go back.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Oh, yeah. They do go back. So...
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Well, that's an hour less to suffer, so good luck with that!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35You're listening to Hospital Radio.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Until eventually the sheepdog came back and said,
0:03:47 > 0:03:48"There's 40 sheep."
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And the shepherd said, "40? We've only got 38!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And the sheepdog said, "I know, but you told me to round them up!"
0:03:57 > 0:03:59The atmosphere in my chapel is like a comedy club,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02so if anyone comes in late or has to go to the toilet
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I do let 'em have it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Look at this fella. He's walking like this,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08thinking it's going to make himself invisible.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Most of 'em would rather sit there and hold it...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13so we've had a few accidents.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You're going to be fine, my love. I've got a good feeling about you,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25although your aura is quite purple around the edges.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Can I look at your notes?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Sorry, are you a doctor?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Ugh, the amount of people who say that to me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And it's a great question!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35'Doctors have science, reason'
0:04:35 > 0:04:36and logic.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41I have faith, belief and people's desperate need
0:04:41 > 0:04:43to believe what I do is real.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47But if you put our differences aside, then we are exactly the same.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Can you just tell me what you're in for?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- I'm having a benign polyp... - Benign polyp.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53- ..removed from my lung.- Lung.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Right, and you're going to trust a surgeon to do that?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Do you know your body can heal itself if you only allow it to?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Do you have a nosebleed that stopped?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Can you just take me to where I need to go, please?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It's reasonably urgent.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I'm starting to get a very bad feeling about this operation.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Have you made a will?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- RADIO:- 'Ivan Brackenbury,
0:05:14 > 0:05:15'out and about,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18'reaching out and touching patients.'
0:05:18 > 0:05:20OK, we've got a request here for Phil
0:05:20 > 0:05:22who's had having his ears pinned back today.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Good luck, Phil! This is Simply Red.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29MUSIC: Holding Back The Years by Simply Red
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Right, how does my hair look?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- Stiffer?- Oh!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36No hairstylist round here has a clue what you mean when you say,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- "Theresa May bob with Thatcher hold."- So, what's the plan?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Right, we'll meet her at the main entrance,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43take her on the tour, then cut the ribbon!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45What are these people doing milling around here?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Well, they're lost cos you had all the signs taken down.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Who gets lost in a hospital?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- The main entrance is this way. - Yes, I knew that.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh, and get the curtain for Hospital Radio,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- cover it up, it's embarrassing.- OK.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And why are these builders' containers still here?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Helena won't like them, get rid of them.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03This hospital needs the wow factor.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07If there's one thing I'm known for around here it's my big openings.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09New car park machines,
0:06:09 > 0:06:10extended hospital shop,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12coin-operated toilets.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15And today, I get the best picture of all for my wall.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Helena Steel and I cutting the ribbon on Ward Number One together.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Ta-da!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I could make some big cuts to the NHS with these!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29The blood tests will take a few days
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and then we'll see if there's perhaps an underlying issue.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Tell her about the voices, Gary. - What?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36The voices, giving him messages.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38You've been hearing voices, Gary?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40No. Ian has, but they're talking about me.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43OK...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Well, I think that maybe tomorrow you need to start getting around
0:06:47 > 0:06:49without the wheelchair.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- A bit of exercise will help you get your...- Chakras aligned.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- ..your energy back.- Psychic energy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57But for now I think Gary needs to rest.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- What's this?- A healing crystal.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06That's been tainted with negative energy now. I'll have to cleanse it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Look, once you've finished your duties here,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I think you need to leave Gary to rest, OK?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19The voices have got a very bad feeling about her.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Get some rest, Gary.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'll watch you sleep.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Ooh, it's lovely! It's got that "new ward" smell.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Yeah, it's great, Mrs Leydon.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I do like what they've done, it's very modern.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Yeah, it's a great room, great acoustics as well,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48lovely audience. Some of them are even awake, look.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50which is always a good sign.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Father Kenny, these flyers...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"Live music, chat, comedy."
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It doesn't mention God on here.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Yes, it does, under Sky Sports.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I think the Church has to update a bit. Female vicars?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Dawn French has shown they can actually be quite funny.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Gay marriage? I've got nothing against that.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11In fact, it's given me some good material.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So then he said, "Same-sex marriage? That's nothing new!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16"Me and the wife have been having the same sex for 40 years!"
0:08:16 > 0:08:18SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:08:18 > 0:08:20She loves that one. Hey, that's it from me.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I hope I've had you in stitches, if you weren't already.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26If you have enjoyed the show, my name's Father Kenny,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28please take a flyer and I'd love to see you at the chapel.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Oh, one more thing,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33midweek we're having a topless jumble sale. Sort of, tit for tat.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38People ask where I get my material from. You know where - life.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Everyday stuff, a stand-up DVD, a joke website,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44maybe John Bishop's biography.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Sometimes a joke will stand out and I'll be like, "I'll use that."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- RADIO:- 'Do you remember the '60s?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53'Then it's about time you started thinking about
0:08:53 > 0:08:55'planning your funeral.'
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Morning. How you diddling? Are you a nurse? She's a nurse.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06So, this is the best part of the day, it's request time!
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Yay! We've got loads today. Er... Two!
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, God, and a banana.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17What mucky pup's done that? It's disgusting and unthoughtful.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Right, Perry Como. And the Spice Girls.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- RADIO:- 'Hospital Radio!'
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Now, it's time for the answers to "What am I?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- RECORDED MESSAGE:- 'What Am I?'
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Hey, what am I?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37I am a long and bendy piece of metal.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You wipe me clean with a tissue.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I'm used to measure how much oil's in your engine.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- What am I? RECORDED MESSAGE:- 'What am I?'
0:09:47 > 0:09:48That's right, I'm a dipstick.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Well done to everyone who got that right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Thanks to Shaz for writing another one of those.- My pleasure.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59OK. You're listening to me, Ivan Brackenbury on Hospital Radio.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01MUSIC: Let Your Love Flow by the Bellamy Brothers
0:10:01 > 0:10:03SIREN BLARES
0:10:05 > 0:10:06HORN BLARES
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Back it up!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17HORN BLARES
0:10:21 > 0:10:22QUIET CONVERSATION
0:10:25 > 0:10:26And what's this?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29These are photogenic patients that can manage a bit of small talk
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and don't look infectious, as instructed.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Hmm, they look a bit pale.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37We really need to impress Helena. Can you spruce them up a bit?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Sorry. Is this make-up?! - Yes, put it on!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I mean, if I were running the hospital,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I would probably make a few small changes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I wouldn't use the ambulances as taxis, for example.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00There's always a lot of activity in a building where someone's died,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02so there are a lot of voices.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Right. Gary, I've got a message coming through for you,
0:11:07 > 0:11:08someone very close.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Do the initials "GF" mean anything to you, please?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- No.- Yeah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Yeah, "GF" - could be a grandfather...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23..godfather,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25great-grandfather.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I wasn't that close to any of them.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Good friend.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Because of the new ward, we've lost the porters' break room,
0:11:32 > 0:11:36so now I've nowhere to practise my practice.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm on the lookout for a new space, but it's hard.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I need a space that's calm, that can accept spiritual energy,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45but where I can still get 4G,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48so I can fact-check things the spirits are saying about people.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Girlfriend?
0:11:52 > 0:11:53"GF..."
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- "Gee..F?" Jeff. Jeff.- No.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- Are you gluten free?- No.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well, they're telling me you need to be.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And with that, I'll leave the love there with you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06DOOR OPENS
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Did you see that or was that just me?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20CAR HORN BLARES
0:12:20 > 0:12:22She's here!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24CAR HORN BLARES
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Here she comes, everybody, tits and teeth!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Right. Hi-vis and hard hat to look practical,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36or just rolled-up sleeves to appeal to working people.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I don't know. I can't decide. Rolled-up sleeves.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41And bring the hand sanitiser, these places are full of germs.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- What? Hospitals?- Provincial towns.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Smile!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Helena Steel, Secretary of State for Health.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Helena! Susan. How was the journey?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59The journey is ongoing and there remain challenges ahead,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01but I relish those challenges.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Sorry, I'm Susan Mitchell, the hospital manager.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Oh, Susan... I have a horse called Susan.- Lovely.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Can I just say that I think that you
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- are all in fact doing a tremendous job.- How is everything?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Well, let me be clear, our health plan is delivering for those
0:13:17 > 0:13:20who need it most, hard-working families.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, lovely. Would you like to follow me?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Strong leader needs strong followers.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Yes, you'll be interested in this.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I've been up and down the country talking to real people
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and their view on hospital managers is, shall we say,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34disparaging to say the least.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Well, I tend to find negative reports very misleading.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Right. The tour begins. This way.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42No, Susan, it's actually this way.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Let me be clear, I'm not suggesting for a moment that
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Brimlington hasn't had its problems.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50But the MRSA rate in this hospital is now half the national average,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53so that means that if you are admitted to this hospital
0:13:53 > 0:13:56with a heart condition, you will die of that heart condition
0:13:56 > 0:14:00and not of some secondary infection that you've picked up along the way.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06If you can just keep yourself very...
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- And this is our new MRI scanner. - Oh, wonderful. Hello. Hello, there.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'm not contagious, I've just got a bad back.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14A bad back is caused by...
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Well, caused overspending of the previous government, no doubt.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20But I want to help your back.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I want to help people like you get this great country back on its feet.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Well, actually, I do have a few complaints about this hospital.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Oh, OK, well... Let's not keep this man waiting any longer,
0:14:30 > 0:14:31let's get him in the big doughnut. Come on!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Well, I can't turn it on with you all in here,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- it's a very powerful magnet. - Right.- Right. Very good.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Excellent.- Good, good. DOOR SHUTS
0:14:40 > 0:14:41CRASH
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Oh! My big scissors!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Ow! My back!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh! This really is a strong magnet.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Oh, gosh!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Right, that was the MRI scanner. Shall we carry on?- Yes, let's.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Wait! Wait for me.- Don't worry about her.- Helena! Helena!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Lovely to see some bright new faces out there
0:15:03 > 0:15:05amongst the old, grey sad ones.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10Now, before this service, I was at the bedside of a gentlemen
0:15:10 > 0:15:13who's supposed to be running a marathon tomorrow for charity,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17but he's broken both his legs.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23He said to me, "How can God let something like this happen to me?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"How can God let something like this happen to me?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:30What should I say to him?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33What words of wisdom should I give him?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Well...any ideas - let me know cos I'm stumped.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40All right.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42A sermon to me is just stand-up with a message,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45you know, like all stand-up has these days.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Like Peter Kay's message is,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"There's lots of things that people remember."
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Michael McIntyre's message,
0:15:51 > 0:15:55"There's lots of things we do we haven't noticed that we do."
0:15:55 > 0:15:57And people say that kind of comedy is easy.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Well, it's not. Have you seen how much they sweat?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03What's my biggest dream?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06People always say "world peace", don't they?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07I'm not too bothered about that.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, I know!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'd love to do Songs Of Praise, Live At The Apollo.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Great turnout today, Mrs Leydon, the flyers were totally worth it.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You should be more open to my modern ways.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Yes, maybe. I do still think that big telly's a bit much.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Oh, they've gone and equalised! Unbelievable!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Playing like three-legged donkeys.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Sunny, where are you?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Hang on. Is it the old Ward Four or the new Ward Four?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Well, the one that used to be Ward Three...
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Hello? Hello?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oh, for goodness' sake!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Sunny! For goodness' sake!
0:16:51 > 0:16:56If there is anyone from the spirit side with a message for Geraldine,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58please let yourself be known.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Oh! I dropped me phone.- Oh, Gary!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- Put the light on Sorry, Ian.- Just put the light on.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06For goodness' sake. ALARM BLARES
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Oh, Gary! Everybody out. Everybody out.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Oh, Geraldine.- I couldn't wait.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16TOILET FLUSHES
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Right, I'm off in a minute collecting for Backwards Day.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh, right, so do you need me to get on the mic, then?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- No. It's Chart Show.- Again?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yes! It's time for the Chart Show.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Do you remember taping the chart show off the radio
0:17:34 > 0:17:37on a Sunday night when you were little?
0:17:37 > 0:17:42I do, and here's one of me best, it was recorded live in me bedroom
0:17:42 > 0:17:46in May 1986 and it's a classic.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50It is hard for me to get a chance to shine here, but when you look at
0:17:50 > 0:17:52the list of people who got a break from hospital radio,
0:17:52 > 0:17:53it's amazing -
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Chris Moyles, Scott Mills, Ken Bruce, Phillip Schofield,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59- Simon Mayo...- And me!
0:17:59 > 0:18:03This is where it all started for me too 23 years ago,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and I'm still here, touch wood.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08This is a good one, this.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- Right, you may as well go for your lunch.- Great.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Actually, Shaz, I do need to go to the toilet
0:18:21 > 0:18:23and it's quite difficult with a zip at the back.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Would you be able to just...? - I'm never doing that again.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It's number ones this time.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Sunny! Sunny! Sunny!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47So, Helena, would you like some tea?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Well, that's a very interesting question, and one that I hope to
0:18:50 > 0:18:52answer with my actions rather than my words.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Sorry, I'm just asking if you want some tea?- Yes, and that's precisely
0:18:55 > 0:18:57the kind of question we ought to be asking,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00but I'm just suggesting we need to reframe the debate going forwards.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Shall we?- Yeah.- Yes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Am I capable of answering a simple yes or no question?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07That's not really the issue here
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and, with all due respect, it is in fact an overly simple question
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and I'm not here to answer simple questions,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15so I'm here to provide tough answers for the difficult questions,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18the answering of which will drive Britain forward.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Stay focused. I can do this. Right, which way?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- You all right, mate. What you in for?- Vasectomy.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Oh, just cutting through really quickly! You all right?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Sunny!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43For goodness' sake!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'm so used to the old system, I wouldn't be able to say.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Here we, erm...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Are you with me? OK, let's go.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I'm going to deal for you, all right?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Let's take the stairs, shall we? - Erm...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And this is the phlebotomy department.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Gosh, that sounds infectious.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Look at all the poor people!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18That's poor as in unfortunate, not an economic judgment.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Yes, that's exactly what I meant. - So, shall we...?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30COUGHING
0:20:30 > 0:20:33For me to be able to visit Brimlington Hospital and see
0:20:33 > 0:20:36with my own eyes the incredible work that our wonderful
0:20:36 > 0:20:41National Health people are doing on a daily basis, it's, you know,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44you can't put a price on it. It's absolutely worthless...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Priceless.- Priceless. Precisely.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55OK. Radio Hospital from Brackenbury, me it's, hiya!
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Hey! You've guessed it, I'm all backwards today for charity.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Raising money for vital hospital services.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Oh, thank you very much!
0:21:04 > 0:21:08OK. Oh, no! It's cash donations only!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, for...
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Collecting money is so important because this hospital radio studio
0:21:15 > 0:21:18is the most vital equipment in all of the hospital
0:21:18 > 0:21:21cos it makes people happy. Me for one.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I mean, I could raise the money for a life support machine
0:21:24 > 0:21:28or an iron lung or something, but I've seen people on them things
0:21:28 > 0:21:31and they do look really miserable.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Wait! Hold the doors. Helena, it's Susan! Susan! Helena! Wait!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Why can't I just have a nice life?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- And this is the new Ward Number One. - Oh, that's lovely.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Perhaps I could do this kind of thing on Skype in future?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- They could wheel me around on a... - Typewriter.- BOTH:- Laptop.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- I'll look into that.- Finally!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57It's that woman again.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Hiya, new ward! It's Ivan Brackenbury.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I can't see where I'm going cos I'm going backwards for charity!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Helena!- Fundraising for vitals.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Lookout behind you! No!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, God! Argh! Tell me that is soup!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Please, God, tell me that is soup,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20that the nurses come round and offer out soup
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- in cardboard bowls, and that is soup!- That is soup!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25That vomit is just soup!
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- Can I still be in the photo with you?- No! No, sorry, no.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Hey, good news! None of it went in me bucket!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"Yes!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42"And a whole raft of measures for hard-working families,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"but I will commit to meeting those challenges head-on.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"Point with thumbs..."
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Which is... Let me...
0:22:50 > 0:22:55I want to be very, very clear that it is a great honour for me
0:22:55 > 0:22:58to open this new Ward Number One
0:22:58 > 0:23:02in my beloved constituency of Brimlington.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Sorry. You're not contagious, are you?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Who me? No. Backwards am I.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Oh, great, great. Tweet it. Would you like to help me cut the ribbon?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17I would, yes.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21No. No.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:27My big opening is in tatters!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I hate it. Sell it. Which would you rather,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37visit a hospital or get a massage off a monkey?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39What kind of monkey is it?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41For goodness' sake, what does it matter?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Make sure you rotate that crystal clockwise over the wound, all right?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Anticlockwise and you'll be back here before you know it,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53all right, sweetness?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Thank you, spirits.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59The space I've been looking for!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- RADIO:- 'Hospital Radio.'
0:24:04 > 0:24:08OK. Backwards Day is over, and it was a great success.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I'm going to give my trainee producer Shaz the honour
0:24:11 > 0:24:16of reading out the final amount, after my expenses.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Are you ready? Here we go!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20HE DRUMS ON THE DESK
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- BOTH:- £15.12.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23That is right.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28And the vital hospital services we've been raising money for is...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Nope, just me.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32..is Hospital Radio!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Which benefits everyone, so it's nice to give something back
0:24:36 > 0:24:39for a change. OK, let's get on with the show!
0:24:42 > 0:24:47He teaches us that we can't always manage to get what we want.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Often we fail,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52but it's how we deal with disappointment and failure
0:24:52 > 0:24:54that's truly important.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59And succeed or fail, we're all in this together.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03One person's success is everyone's success.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06He tells us this, it's all here in the book.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12"It doesn't matter who scores the goals, as long as we win."
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And that book?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16My Story by Steven Gerrard.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Right, OK. Open your hymn books, close your legs.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24All Things Bright And Beautiful! Hit it, Mrs Leydon.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33# All things bright and beautiful... #
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I've decided to call the new ward The Helena Steel Ward.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38We're changing the signs again.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Cutting the ribbon on a new ward is a bit like cutting
0:25:41 > 0:25:45the umbilical cord on a beautiful new baby.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Yes, you're going to have sleepless nights and be covered in vomit,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51but this isn't a beauty contest.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I'm not going to be Miss England or Miss World,
0:25:53 > 0:25:58this is about management and I want people to look at me and say,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"There she is, there's Miss Management."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04We are gathered here today to witness your mystery in this
0:26:04 > 0:26:08perfectly-sized space what you have guided us to.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13If there are any spirits here, please make themselves known.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19OK, guys, just put your fingers on the glass.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21That's great.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29SCREAMING
0:26:35 > 0:26:37SCREAMING FROM INSIDE CONTAINER
0:26:40 > 0:26:42That's it from me.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Join me next time when we'll be playing our new game with
0:26:45 > 0:26:48the nil by mouth patients -
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Meal Or No Meal.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54But now let me leave you with this, it's a request from Agnes May
0:26:54 > 0:26:57who's just had her operation to remove cataracts.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59This is Jimmy Cliff.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04# I can see clearly now the rain is gone
0:27:07 > 0:27:12# I can see all obstacles in my way... #
0:27:14 > 0:27:15SCREAMING CONTINUES
0:27:15 > 0:27:19# Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- # It's going to be a bright - Bright
0:27:24 > 0:27:25- # Bright - Bright
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Sunshiny day
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- # It's going to be a bright - Bright
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- # Bright - Bright
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Sunshiny day
0:27:39 > 0:27:43# Oh, yes, I can make it now the pain is gone... #