0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Look at my glove I think I'm in love
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# With my Medieval gauntlet
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# I'm happy to say That today, all day
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# I'll stride around the flat And flaunt it. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Prepare to die, Doctor Doolittle!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Oh, look at that prick He makes me sick
0:00:35 > 0:00:37# He's filled my house with garbage
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# It's time that he went And left me in peace
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# And took his shitty gauntlet With him. #
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Morning, Bob.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Why, nobody's died, have they? What are you doing?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55I was just admiring this graduation picture of yours. It's so good.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59It's so fabulous, I think I might point at it all day.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Well, I can perfectly understand that,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04because it's a very powerful image, isn't it?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06But actually, Vic, I want a word with you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Could you just sit down for me, please? Just for a minute.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Not again!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Will you sit down, please?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32This is a perfect example, Vic, of the general fannying about
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and wimbrelling that I want to have a word with you about.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Excuse me, I hardly ever wimbrel.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Oh, you do wimbrel. Root-tee-toot-toot.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42You're the king of the wimbrel, Vic.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47There's the continued confusion between toilet rolls and curtains.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50VIC GROANS
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And this place is not Colditz, Vic.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I don't need an extensive tunnel network under the premises.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01I don't know what you're talking about, really.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- And what's with that fire damage in the bathroom? - Hey, that was nothing to do with me.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I was simply having my dinner in the bath with a nice bottle of wine
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and some candles and a sausage swam away from the plate
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and drifted off, and I reached out and grabbed it
0:02:14 > 0:02:17and knocked in the wine, knocked the candles, kaboom!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Vic. Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Why is it always you that suffers from sausage drift?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29And "kaboom"? Wine isn't flammable, Vic.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31The sort I drink is.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34But most of all, Vic, it's this junk.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39The painting of a pygmy, these delicious pineapples,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42gas masks and outfits. Honestly, Vic, you know,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45you're rapidly turning into Mr Dirty Feathers.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Look, Bob, I can change. I promise you I'll change. I can yield.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54You can't change, Vic. You're fully realised. Do you understand?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I mean, look at this junk. What if I wanted to bring a lady back?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, yeah? When's this happening, then?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02No, I'm not saying it's happening, but it could happen, couldn't it?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You know, there might be a woman who'd take a punt on my face.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14That happened to me once, and I didn't have any toilet roll.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Vic, I said "punt".
0:03:18 > 0:03:20So, what's her name?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I don't know. I haven't met her yet, have I?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- What does she look like? - If I'm lucky... - Oh, if you're lucky, yeah?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- If I'm lucky... - Yeah, if you're lucky
0:03:27 > 0:03:31..she'll look like Sandi Toksvig.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, though? - Wouldn't you? Yeah.- Wouldn't you? - You would, yeah.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- You would, though, wouldn't you? - I had a really Sandi Toksvig once after a beach picnic.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43And did you have any toilet roll this time?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- No, I just rinsed it off with a hose pipe.- Yeah.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50The thing is, Vic, what I'm really trying to say is I think it's actually time that you left.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55- You know, I think it's time that we took a break. - Oh, please. Come on.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Vic, clawing at my magnificent chest is not going to change my mind.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Not this time, Vic. - Were you expecting a hat?
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Eh?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, it's Beef. Come in, Beef.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11# My name is Beef I'm a hard lovin' beast
0:04:11 > 0:04:13# And I live next door to these two
0:04:13 > 0:04:17# I travel this land Removing my pants
0:04:17 > 0:04:22# While making love to African ladies. #
0:04:26 > 0:04:28All right, Beef? I like your hat.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32It's made of wood. Black wood.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Pineapples! the fruit of kings, Grown in Antigua
0:04:39 > 0:04:44and plucked by heavenly sweating topless beauties
0:04:44 > 0:04:50with thighs like granite and hairless arms as long as oars.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Beef? Beef? Any news?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Yes. Draw near.- Yeah.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56- Nearer still.- OK.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- No, you'll have to come nearer. - All right.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59That's it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I've procured you a date this afternoon with a woman.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09- With a woman?- Yes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- This afternoon?- Yes.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Afternoon delight! Do you know what...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Do you know what I'm going to do?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- I'm going to watch a movie with her. - Really?- Yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- I happen to know she enjoys Conan The Barbarian.- Right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Which is on at 2:30. - Do you know what channel, Beef?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It's far down the menu near the nines,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30amongst the fishing shit
0:05:30 > 0:05:34but not as far as the Welsh stuff.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- That's deep. That's very, very deep. - Yes.- Yes. So what's she like?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Just your type.- Yeah?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Like a tug boat.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Hefty, charred, easy to pull
0:05:45 > 0:05:47and with a water cannon on her prow.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Wow. Yeah, a bit like a trawler.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Squat, powerful, hard-working, full of herrings.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Yes, yes, yes. Do you know, she's the Sandi Toksvig type.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Ooh. Yes, please.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03What the hell is that clown doing?
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Oh, it's his home brew, Beef. Vic. What's that you're brewing?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's a nice crisp Chardonnay.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12MUDDY GURGLE
0:06:12 > 0:06:15With breezy summer high notes
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and a bit of a kick.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It smells like Lynx.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Well, I'm aiming it primarily at the teen market.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Oh, right. So, what are you doing this afternoon, Beef?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I think I might go and take a look at a rather large and beautiful Ruby.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Wow. Where's this ruby at? - She works at the launderette.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39She's an exquisite Kenyan elder with an arse the size of a Fiat 500.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41She sounds lovely.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42She's all right.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Hey, well, thanks, Beef. You're incredible.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48That much I do know.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50APPLAUSE
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Hey, Vic, have you heard the news? Beef's arranged a date for me this afternoon.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I'm going to watch Conan The Barbarian.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Brilliant! Well, let's get you sorted out.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Vic, I don't need you interfering.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Every time I have a date you ruin it for me.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Do you remember last time?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08TRUMPET PLAYS
0:07:15 > 0:07:18No, I can't remember that far back. Forget Conan.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Why don't you show her one of your DVDs from your collection?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Yeah?- How about Taken?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26No, somebody nicked that.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Missing?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Missing, no. I can't find that anywhere.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Gone In 60 Seconds.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That's not a bad call, that, Vic.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Ah, it was here a minute ago.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41What a surprise.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44No, I'm going to be fine with Conan.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Beef says it's on telly this afternoon at half-two,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50one of those channels that's pretty deep into the menu, apparently.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- Deep down into the abyss of the menu?- Yeah.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Is it as far as the Welsh stuff? - Oh, no. No, it's not that far, Vic.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So, if it's further back, then, it's probably sandwiched
0:07:57 > 0:08:00somewhere in between forensic pets and psychic cutlery.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Right, well, that'll be easy to find, Vic.- Good. Right.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05So, we've got your drink sorted out, we've got your movie.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07You never know, Bob.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09She's all loosened up. You might get your grip.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I would like to get my grip, Vic.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Why don't we ask your son if we can borrow his sofa bed?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Ah!- Stand back.- Give it a go.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Er... Blood Axe?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Thor?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28- Horst? Bengt?- It's Erik.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Erik? Erik?
0:08:34 > 0:08:40# I am Bob's son from a liaison With a thick-set woman from Norway
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# She was sat on the docks Wearing nothing but socks
0:08:43 > 0:08:46# She looked a bit like Sandi Toksvig. #
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Erik, hey, I was just wondering if I could borrow your sofa bed.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Er, let me think. No.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Tell him why.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, it's just I was hoping maybe to get my grip.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Oh, that is disgusting. Eurgh!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Eurgh! Eurgh!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Eurgh! Eurgh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Eurgh! Eurgh!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Eurgh!
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Right, never mind that. OK. Let's go into the kitchen and sort your menu out.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Oh, couldn't you just leave, Vic? You're going to have to get over the pygmy picture first.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Give us a hand, Bob.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Push.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Ooh, ooh. You stink. Where have you been?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I've been down the dog pound. I thought you could get a dog for a pound.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Push! - THUMP
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Are you all right, princess?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Yes, thank you for asking, yes. Fine.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43So, how do I get over now, Vic?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- You see that trampette? - Trampette? What trampette?
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Hang on a minute.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Right. Come here. Follow my eyes. Watch them.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Down there. Can you see?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Oh, here it is. Trampette, yeah. Thanks, Vic.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Put that in the middle of the room, take a run up and jump over.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Yeah. And you're staying there, are you?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Yeah, I want to see your little balls as they pass over and enjoy myself for once.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10BOING
0:10:15 > 0:10:17CLATTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Your cupboards were pretty bare, Vic.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26All I could find was this marrow and this inner tube.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28That'll make a really nice salad
0:10:28 > 0:10:31in combination with the tinned pineapples. Tropical.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Yeah. No, it could work.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37So, Vic, I think that's probably all the help I actually need.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Please, Vic, I think it's probably time, yeah,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44that you made your arrangements, got yourself out of the flat
0:10:44 > 0:10:47and left me to enjoy my date, yeah, watching Conan?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55No!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58My date!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Put this round your neck. - No, Bob, please.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Put it round your neck, fella. - Bob, don't do this.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06That is the final wimbrel you will carry out on these premises.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Bob, I know how this is going to end and it's not going to be pretty. Please don't do this.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- The date is ruined, Vic.- Bob, I promise I'll get you a new telly.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- I'll sort you out the best date you've every had. - Yeah. Just eat this.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Ha!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- That would've made a nice salad. - Oh, would it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30How are you going to get me a television?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Maybe not.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- I'll phone Beef. He always comes up trumps.- Mm.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55KEYPAD BEEPS REPEATEDLY
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's on speed dial, Vic.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02KEYPAD BEEPS ONCE
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Hi, Beef, yeah.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Pretty good, actually, yeah.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Yeah, just wondering if you've got a TV we could borrow for the afternoon.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17All right, brilliant, thanks. See you in a minute.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18- Yeah?- He's coming round directly.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Hey, when he comes round don't let him hang about, Vic.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24He'll ruin my date for me, you know what he's like.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Whoa, Beef, that was quick! - Here's your telly.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- We're watching Conan The Barbarian - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- I'M watching Conan The Barbarian - HE'S watching Conan The Barbarian.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I know you are. Yes. I love that film.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40He rules a kingdom with a sword,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43she rules him with her heaving tits clad in metalwork.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- It's amazing. May I join you? - Yeah, join us!- Oh, Vic!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I see, getting in the Conan mood, yes, yes.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Get that telly sorted out. Set it up for me.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Now!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Yes, Your Majesty. Yes, sir. Come on, then.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Erik?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22LOCKS CLICK
0:13:22 > 0:13:24CHAINS RATTLE
0:13:24 > 0:13:27KEYPAD BLEEPS
0:13:27 > 0:13:30BOLTS CLUNK
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Ah, Erik.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Thank you, Erik. Erik, Vic and Beef are hanging around
0:13:36 > 0:13:39and I just wondered if maybe you could take them out for me?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Shoot them? Not a problem.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Thank you, Father.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45No, Erik, I don't want to shoot them.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Could you just take them out somewhere nice? You know, maybe the park?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51To the park? Like a man who is gay?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53No.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LOCKS AND BOLTS CLUNK
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- So, where do these go, then, Beef? - I haven't got a clue, love.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I used it once to watch Blackula, but I couldn't see a thing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Look, it's still in here. - There it is.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh, Vic, that's a microwave.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Is that a good thing?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16No, Beef, it cooks food.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18A TV that cooks food?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19A television that cooks food?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21God, I love living in the future.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Vic, I didn't actually want it to come to this,
0:14:25 > 0:14:30but I'm going to have to ask you to go next door and ask Julie
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- if you can borrow her television. - Oh, but...- I know.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Bob, don't do this to me, not after what happened last time. Please.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Vic, it'll be OK.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Look, just take this pepper next door with you
0:14:48 > 0:14:50in case she gets a bit randy, Vic, but good luck.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Go and get me that telly. Good boy. Go on, off you go.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00A TV that cooks food that is called a microwave.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Now, let's see about this.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07BLEEP
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- HE CHUCKLES - Ooh! A firework display.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Oh, hello, Vic! What a lovely surprise.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35HE WHIMPERS
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Come in. Make yourself at home.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It's all right, Julie. Thank you. I was just leaving, actually.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Don't be daft. You've only just arrived. Come and sit down, mmm?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Take a seat. Look.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Here, try this. - I'm all right, thanks.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00No, please try it. It's really important to me that you do.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Just taste it. Do you like it?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05It's lovely.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07There's nothing there, you silly boy!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Look, I've got ten minutes. We could do something, you know.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Something that takes ten minutes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- MUFFLED EXPLOSION - Good God!
0:16:20 > 0:16:21What was that?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- A microwave.- What?
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Are you going somewhere?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Oh, yeah, I've got an overnight stay in Luton for one of my book signings.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh. So could we borrow your television for the afternoon, please?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37No. Absolutely not. Sorry. It's an heirloom.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Ah! Julie, I really have to go now, Julie.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43No need to go, Vic. Come on, stay and have a drink.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Look, I've got nine more minutes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Nine more minutes means nine more sexes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50What do you mean "nine more sexes"? We haven't had any sexes.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Oh, I think you'll find we have. Don't you remember the spoon?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- That was a sex?- Yes.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Well, I can't wait to tell Bob.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Look, you can borrow my telly if...
0:17:04 > 0:17:05you buff my Barnaby Rudge.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12SHE SIGHS I suppose we ought to get going, really. Am I driving?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Yes. What fun! Fab-oo!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Woodpecker?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28ELECTRIC SAWING
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Robot?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Intruder?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Take anything you want but my backside.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44# I am Bosh I'm the brother of Vic
0:17:44 > 0:17:46# And I just got out of prison
0:17:46 > 0:17:50# I need somewhere to live I don't care who with
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# As long it's under a pound You know. #
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Hey.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Oh, not another one. What are you doing here?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Oh, Beef, this is... This is Bosh, Vic's brother.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Bish?- No, Bosh.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Bish Bosh? - No, Beef, Bosh.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Not Bish Bosh?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- No, Beef, just Bosh. - And why Bosh?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Cos I always use Bosch power tools
0:18:15 > 0:18:19when I'm working with my two mates, Black and Decker. Ha ha!
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Only joking. No. I work alone, don't we?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I've just had sex.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Well, never mind that, Vic. Your brother's arrived now.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yeah. Ah, yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Erm... Well, the doctor said he should have 24 hours' bed rest
0:18:36 > 0:18:40because he's contracted...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42whooping cough. Haven't you? Haven't you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Yeah, that's right, I've got whooping cough. Yeah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Ahem! Whoo! Ahem! Whoo!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- That is terrible.- Who says?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53So I said he could stay here overnight.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's all right, you won't even know he's here.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- It's just for one night, yeah? - Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it is.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You're going to have to share a room with Vic, you know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong, cos I don't mind sharing, you twat!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I've been sharing a cell for the last three years.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Oh, he's been in prison. - Yeah. So what?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You mentioned the underworld.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16That turns me on hard. What were you in for?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Er...
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Crime.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Well, obviously crime. What kind of crime?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You know, it was mainly Rachel.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Racial?! That's a bit heavy, isn't it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Not RACIAL racial, you twat.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32RACHEL, my ex-girlfriend, right?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35She grassed me up for burglary, receiving stolen goods
0:19:35 > 0:19:36and, er, sodomy.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Sodomy? Yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43No, not sodomy, no. Robbery. Robbery.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Bosh?- Hmm?- Would you mind maybe just going straight up to the room now
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and just staying there for the afternoon, please?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52He's got a date with a woman. He's watching Conan The Barbarian.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Hold on a minute, Bosh. That's my trophy.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"To Bob, for being a clever boy on the toilet, 2010."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02What are you doing with that?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04All right. Well, you know.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Have it back if it means that much to you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Actually, I'll be off myself. I could do with an Eartha Kitt.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18This date is looking very unlikely, Vic.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I haven't got a telly, the house is filling up with unwelcome men,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26one of whom is having a shit in the kitchen as we speak.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Will you just get out, Vic? Please, will you just go?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Look, Bob, I'm sorry I let you down.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Just get out, Vic.- I'll go.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- Yeah, just go, please. - All right, I've gone.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- I can still see you, Vic. - No, you can't.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Vic, I can still see you. - Bob, what do you want from me?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45- Why don't you...?- No!
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Why don't you watch Conan at your neighbour's?- She's gone away to Luton for the night.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- Well, why don't you just break in? - Bosh, you can't just break into someone's premises
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- without their permission. - Oh, well, who said 'owt about going IN to the house?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08See? No need to go in. You just have to watch it from here.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Julie is going to kill us, Bosh. - Oh, don't worry about that. I'll just plaster this lot up afterwards.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15She'll never even know we've been here.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Yeah, but how are we going to turn the telly on? We need to get the remote.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Yep, well, this is where I come into the plan.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Oh, no, Vic.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27You're not going to do a dirty burgle, are you?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- We don't want another Chatsworth. - No. Please, no.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36OK. Come on, boys. Good luck, Vic.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37You all right?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46He's got it. Come on, Vic. Get out of there.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Come on, get out.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49VIC GROANS
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- I'm stuck, lads. I think I'm stuck. - All right, all right.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- Stuck solid, man. - Hold on. You grab his arms, Bosh. - All right, all right.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01CLANGING
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It's not working, lads. Try something else.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04All right. I've got an idea.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Give me the wrench. Grab his arms.- OK.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10CLANGING
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- It's not working.- It's not working. - Think of something! Something else.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Shall we?- Yeah.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19SMACKING
0:22:20 > 0:22:23That's not working either.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Got to think of something. - Think, man. Think, Bob.- Think.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Vic, I've got an idea.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37KEYPAD BLEEPS
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hi. Yeah, is that the beach?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Yeah. Erm, it's Bob speaking.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Yeah, I just wondered if maybe we could borrow one of your donkeys this afternoon.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52Yeah, Mr Boffo, if you could. He's got such a lovely temp...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Oh, they've gone, Vic.- Ah!- OK, lads.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You need to get a move on because she's just pulled up outside.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Julie's back, Vic. Julie's back.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Ah! Come here, here. I've got an idea.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Pss pss pss pss.- Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- Pss pss pss pss pss.- Ahh!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14No, Madam, you can't go in there.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I'm sorry, there's been a terrible gas leak.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Gas leak? How exciting.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23Yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to vacate the premises for the afternoon.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24- How thrilling!- Yeah.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Now, I've arranged with next door that you can stay with them
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- for the duration of the works. - Oh, what fun!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Whoa, that is a lodgement!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, hello!
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Ugh!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I thought you'd gone away for the night.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Too drunk to drive.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- I've had a boob job, you know. - I didn't know.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Didn't you know? I thought you knew. - No, I didn't know.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- I thought you knew. You did know, didn't you?- I didn't know.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- I thought you knew. - No, I didn't know.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07They're very nice, though, very modern-looking.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Where did you get them done? In the town centre?
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Yes, yes. At Timpsons. They don't just do heels, you know.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Why don't you give them a touch? They're ever so real.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Ah, it's OK. I'm all right, thank you.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Come on, don't be shy. Give them a plump.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Very interesting. Come and join me on the sofa.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I'm all right. I always crouch here when it's nearly half-past two.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Well, I'll just have to come to you, then.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Yeah, why not? And hurry up!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Oh, very masterful! Where are your glasses?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44In the kitchen.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Red or white, Martin?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I've found one, but it's got lipstick on it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Just give it wipe round the rim with a dishcloth.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06The tap won't turn off now.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Stick the dishcloth up the hole.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Oh!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It won't stay up.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Well, get a teaspoon, stick it up the hole and ram it home.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Ooh!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Here, have a drink.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Thanks. I think I need one.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oh, look, we've just run out of wine. I'll have to go next door and get another one.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40No. Don't do that. No, no. No. Don't.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Look, there's wine there.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47It's a nice crisp Chardonnay with floral summer high notes.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50THUMP
0:25:51 > 0:25:52And a bit of a kick.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Push!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Ooh!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58No good, Vic. I didn't want to have to do this
0:25:58 > 0:26:01but I'm going to have to deploy the Heidenburg Stretch.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04No, Bob! No, not the Heidenburg Stretch!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Yes, I'm afraid so, Vic.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11- I've secured your plums. - Be...gentle.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15STRETCHING SOUND
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Aah!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- SNAP! - Oh!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Ooh, what happened here, Vic?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Chardonnay.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40What the hell is this? Some kind of gas and no trouser party you've not told me about?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Your date's outside and she's furious.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45So am I, actually, Beef. Tell us about it. This place.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46I'm trying to have a date.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50This place is like a crime scene. It stinks of Lynx.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51I haven't got a television.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54YOU have had a shit in the kitchen.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Where was it? In the Sugar Puffs box?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- It was in the kettle, wasn't it? - Yeah.- In the kettle.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I'll tell you what, Beef.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Just cancel the date, just cancel it, please.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10- The two of you, get out. - Can't you just give me one more chance?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Draw near.
0:27:15 > 0:27:22Conan, Conan. Where are you? The princess is dead. She's dead.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24What does this even mean?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Aye, Conan. Give us your guidance, man.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Without your counsel we are d...d...doomed.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Where are you, anyway? Where are you hiding, man?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Well, excuse me, but I was not hiding.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I was simply trying to find the golden buttons that hold up
0:27:42 > 0:27:47my magic breeches, for without them our cause is well lost.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Aye, man. That's all you've been banging on about for the last hour
0:27:50 > 0:27:53is them poxy shirt buttons.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Well, I'm sorry if you think that my golden buttons are trivial,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00but without them and the leather arm thing that goes there -
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I've forgotten what it's called -
0:28:02 > 0:28:06the leather arm thing that goes there, I'm absolutely powerless.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- But what will become of us, Conan? - I don't know, love.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Tune in next week at 2:30 to find out
0:28:13 > 0:28:16in Conan 2 - The Return Of The Leather Thing.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27ALL SING: # Didn't we have A lovely day?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# The day that I saw Conan
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- # What happens next? - # Let's form a circle
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# And dance around This Mexican turtle
0:28:39 > 0:28:43ALL: # Didn't we have a lovely day Dancing round the turtle?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- # Whoo-hoo-hoo - # Whoo-hoo-hoo
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# But nobody buffed My Barnaby Rudge. #
0:28:51 > 0:28:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE