The Pork Pie Affair

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0:00:19 > 0:00:23# Today is the day, hip, hip, hooray

0:00:23 > 0:00:27# That Vic cooks me my breakfast

0:00:27 > 0:00:31# I haven't a clue what I'm meant to do

0:00:31 > 0:00:35# I wish he'd just have a Curly Wurly, oh! #

0:00:37 > 0:00:40So how long do I cook this egg for?

0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Six foot seven.- Six foot...?

0:00:42 > 0:00:44I said, how long do I cook the eggs for?

0:00:44 > 0:00:47Oh, I'm sorry! Flies.

0:00:47 > 0:00:51I thought you asked me how tall Gandhi wanted to be when he grew up.

0:00:51 > 0:00:53- How long do I cook this egg for? - All right!

0:00:53 > 0:00:55An egg, three minutes.

0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Both sides? - It doesn't really mattee-e-er...

0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Your egg, Simon. - Yeah, I'm Bob.

0:01:03 > 0:01:05No, the egg's called Simon.

0:01:05 > 0:01:08I've kind of grown to love it over the past three minutes,

0:01:08 > 0:01:10- so be gentle with it.- Oh, sweet.

0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Also, your black pudding. - Black pudding.

0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Your bacon. - HE LAUGHS

0:01:15 > 0:01:18And a nice cup of tea.

0:01:20 > 0:01:23- There we are.- Thank you. I really appreciate it, I really do.

0:01:23 > 0:01:25- But excuse me?- Yeah.

0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Excuse me?- Yeah?- Toast?

0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yes. Of course, sir.

0:01:33 > 0:01:34DING!

0:01:34 > 0:01:39Ah, and I took the liberty of warming up your toupee for you.

0:01:39 > 0:01:40Oh, thanks.

0:01:42 > 0:01:44GIBBERS INCOHERENTLY

0:01:45 > 0:01:47BOTH GIBBER

0:01:50 > 0:01:51TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

0:01:52 > 0:01:54# Look at my pie, a feast for the eyes

0:01:54 > 0:01:57# It's made of pork and pastry

0:01:57 > 0:02:00- # I have to admit - That looking at it

0:02:00 > 0:02:03# It really does look rather tasty. #

0:02:03 > 0:02:06Emergency, emergency, 999, emergency!

0:02:06 > 0:02:09Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, what seems to be the problem?

0:02:09 > 0:02:11It's an emergency!

0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yes, but what's the nature of the emergency, Julie?

0:02:13 > 0:02:16My fridge is broken, emergency, 999.

0:02:16 > 0:02:19Julie, do you want to put your pie in our fridge?

0:02:19 > 0:02:22Oh, Vic! Would you do that for me, Vic?

0:02:22 > 0:02:23Look after my pie for me?

0:02:23 > 0:02:25CROCKERY SMASHES

0:02:25 > 0:02:29Thank you, Vic. Are there any other little teeny-weeny jobs

0:02:29 > 0:02:31I could do in return, say, perhaps in your bedroom?

0:02:31 > 0:02:34I've only got three minutes so we'd have to be super-duper quick.

0:02:34 > 0:02:37No, there's no jobs in the bedroom, Julie, really.

0:02:37 > 0:02:40So, guys, I just need you to look after this pie for me

0:02:40 > 0:02:42whilst I go on holiday for a couple of hours.

0:02:42 > 0:02:45Of course. Sorry, a couple of hours, Julie?

0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Yes, it's one of those short breaks. - Oh, right.- Where you going?

0:02:48 > 0:02:50Mexico.

0:02:50 > 0:02:52Not in two hours, you're not, Julie.

0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Exeter?- You might do that. - Excellent.

0:02:56 > 0:03:01Look, the thing is, I've got Bruce Willis coming around later

0:03:01 > 0:03:05to talk about starring in the film of my erotic novel, Nobbin Hood.

0:03:07 > 0:03:09- THE Bruce Willis?- Yes, yes!

0:03:09 > 0:03:13Are you going to... Are you going to try and touch his willy?

0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yes!

0:03:28 > 0:03:29THEY LAUGH

0:03:29 > 0:03:34Anyway, the thing is, he insists on eating this particular pork pie.

0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's also Morgan Freeman's favourite, apparently.

0:03:36 > 0:03:39As if that matters.

0:03:39 > 0:03:41It's really important to me that Bruce gets this pie.

0:03:41 > 0:03:44- You won't let me down now, will you? - No, course not, Julie.- Are you sure?

0:03:44 > 0:03:47My whole career does depend on him agreeing to play Nobbin Hood.

0:03:47 > 0:03:52Yep? So remember, no touchy-touchy, no licky-licky.

0:03:52 > 0:03:54Right, I'm off to go pack. See you later.

0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Bye, Julie.- See you, Julie.

0:03:56 > 0:04:01Oi, daft lads, come here, eat me. Check out my glossy crust.

0:04:01 > 0:04:04Don't be a pair of tossers all your life. Tuck in, tuck in!

0:04:07 > 0:04:09CRACK!

0:04:12 > 0:04:14HE GROWLS AND SLATHERS

0:04:14 > 0:04:16Come on, let's just have a little bit.

0:04:16 > 0:04:18No, stop it, Vic. Stop it! You're acting like an idiot.

0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Oh, I'm acting like an idiot, am I? - Yes.

0:04:20 > 0:04:22Would an idiot be able to do this?

0:04:24 > 0:04:26Huh?!

0:04:32 > 0:04:33You know what, you kick like a girl.

0:04:33 > 0:04:36Yeah, well, I don't know any girls, do I, so I wouldn't know.

0:04:36 > 0:04:37Yeah, you've got a point.

0:04:37 > 0:04:40- I'll point at you in a minute if you're not careful.- No, don't!

0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Yeah?- Oh, you did.

0:04:42 > 0:04:43Yeah! Now who's the idiot?!

0:04:45 > 0:04:48# Blew my giro on this erotic biro

0:04:48 > 0:04:51# I'm in love with the beautiful lady

0:04:52 > 0:04:56# If you turn it around, her knickers fall down

0:04:56 > 0:05:02# It's the greatest thing since Joseph met Mary-y-y-y-y! #

0:05:07 > 0:05:11Oh, it's bust. I shouldn't have had that romantic bath with her.

0:05:11 > 0:05:14All right, Beef? I like your scarf.

0:05:14 > 0:05:18It's made of ham. Birmingham.

0:05:18 > 0:05:21It was made in Birmingham.

0:05:21 > 0:05:22I wear it when I play cricket.

0:05:22 > 0:05:26Nothing else, just the scarf and what God gave me.

0:05:26 > 0:05:27How's that?

0:05:29 > 0:05:31We're just guarding this pork pie for Julie.

0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Pork?- Yeah.

0:05:33 > 0:05:37The meat of pigs? The most ancient of all British dogs?

0:05:39 > 0:05:42Can any man deny its flesh?

0:05:43 > 0:05:44Not I.

0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Pork.- Beef...?

0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Pork.- Beef...!

0:05:49 > 0:05:50- Pork!- No, Beef!

0:05:55 > 0:05:58I'm sorry, Beef, but it's not our pie.

0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's for Julie's meeting with Bruce Willis.

0:06:01 > 0:06:03Bruce Willis, you say?

0:06:03 > 0:06:07I starred alongside him in Too Hot For Spaniards in the West End.

0:06:07 > 0:06:09It totally bombed.

0:06:09 > 0:06:11And then he ran off with that chimp, Dudley Moore.

0:06:11 > 0:06:12Demi Moore?

0:06:12 > 0:06:15No, I think you'll find it was Dudley Moore.

0:06:15 > 0:06:18I caught them exploring each other on discarded teacakes

0:06:18 > 0:06:20outside Fortnum's.

0:06:20 > 0:06:22Mmmm. Mmmm!

0:06:22 > 0:06:23Thank you for that, Beef.

0:06:23 > 0:06:26Look, what we need to do is think of something

0:06:26 > 0:06:29that'll take our minds off this pie.

0:06:29 > 0:06:31Feast on me! Have me!

0:06:31 > 0:06:32I'm yours...

0:06:32 > 0:06:35Stop it, stop it, stop it!

0:06:35 > 0:06:40- ANGUISHED:- Stop tormenting me, you gorgeous bitch!

0:06:40 > 0:06:43- CHEERFULLY:- I know! What we need to do

0:06:43 > 0:06:46is tell each other fascinating pork pie stories.

0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yes, to take our minds off eating the pork pie.

0:06:48 > 0:06:50To take our minds off eating the pork pie.

0:06:50 > 0:06:52I'll start first because I'm the oldest.

0:06:55 > 0:06:57No, no...

0:06:59 > 0:07:01Right, now then.

0:07:01 > 0:07:06Not too long ago I was working as a gardener for Sir Elton John.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10And one morning I was pushing a wheelbarrow full of custard

0:07:10 > 0:07:13towards one of Elton's feeding troughs.

0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh, hold on, sorry. Soz for interrupting.

0:07:15 > 0:07:17Is that what he has for breakfast, custard?

0:07:17 > 0:07:20Yeah, and it's extra sweetened with sprinkles on the top.

0:07:20 > 0:07:22So does David have custard also?

0:07:22 > 0:07:25No, David has a lie-in and has a couple of pints and a pickled egg.

0:07:25 > 0:07:28Anyway, I was pushing the wheelbarrow

0:07:28 > 0:07:31- when the wheel snagged on something. - I'm soz to interrupt again

0:07:31 > 0:07:34but I'd love to know what it snagged on. Wouldn't that be interesting?

0:07:34 > 0:07:36I don't know. It doesn't matter.

0:07:36 > 0:07:39Hang on, yes, it does matter! He just asked you a question.

0:07:39 > 0:07:41What did it snag on?

0:07:41 > 0:07:44I don't know. Maybe it was one of Elton's tiny little dogs,

0:07:44 > 0:07:46a picker-wanker or a chin-wagger or something.

0:07:46 > 0:07:49I don't know. I don't know what it snagged on.

0:07:49 > 0:07:52Anyway, the wheel bounced off and into his feeding trough.

0:07:52 > 0:07:54Good heavens, that's trouble on a plate.

0:07:54 > 0:07:57Exactly. And at that precise moment,

0:07:57 > 0:08:01from around by the orangery came waddling Sir Elton himself.

0:08:01 > 0:08:04"What do you think you're doing, daft lad?"

0:08:04 > 0:08:08he said in that rich, sonorous voice of his.

0:08:08 > 0:08:12And then I remembered, in me lunch bucket

0:08:12 > 0:08:17I had a five-inch thick-crust pork pie.

0:08:17 > 0:08:18Hold on, I know, I know,

0:08:18 > 0:08:23- so you used the pork pie as a replacement wheel on the barrow?- No.

0:08:23 > 0:08:25I just stuck it up his arse and told him to stuff his job.

0:08:27 > 0:08:29That's a nice story, terrific story.

0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Thank you.- Beef!

0:08:31 > 0:08:34Beef, concentrate on the pork pie stories.

0:08:34 > 0:08:36- I'm sorry. - Why don't you take your turn now?

0:08:36 > 0:08:39OK, all right. Draw near.

0:08:40 > 0:08:42Nearer still.

0:08:42 > 0:08:43Nearer still.

0:08:43 > 0:08:45All right, back off!

0:08:46 > 0:08:48It was a dark, sweaty night,

0:08:48 > 0:08:50the kind of night that would force a man

0:08:50 > 0:08:52to lick an emperor penguin to death.

0:08:53 > 0:08:59I was driving down the A428 when I picked up a headless hitchhiker.

0:08:59 > 0:09:03I was drunk, so I asked her to take the wheel.

0:09:03 > 0:09:08Hang on a minute, you asked a headless phantom to drive your car?

0:09:08 > 0:09:11Yes, she was headless and had no arms.

0:09:11 > 0:09:14Sorry, no head and no arms?

0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Or legs.- Just a torso?

0:09:16 > 0:09:18Not even that.

0:09:19 > 0:09:21Was this actually a person, Beef?

0:09:21 > 0:09:23- HE CHUCKLES - No.

0:09:26 > 0:09:28It was a pork pie.

0:09:28 > 0:09:32Whoa! That's a lot better than your story, that was.

0:09:32 > 0:09:34- All right, lads?- Oh, hey up!

0:09:34 > 0:09:35- Jeez!- Oh, gosh!

0:09:35 > 0:09:37What a lovely pork pie. Give us some.

0:09:37 > 0:09:39No, keep your hands off it.

0:09:39 > 0:09:42And aren't you meant to be leaving today, Bosh?

0:09:42 > 0:09:45No, I'm not leaving today. I'm still ill. I've got a bad back.

0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Have you been to the doctor's? - Yeah, I've been to the doctor's.

0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yeah, and what did the doctor say?

0:09:49 > 0:09:52The doctor said I could stay here as long as I like.

0:09:52 > 0:09:55And he's told me to tell you that you're a twat.

0:09:55 > 0:09:59Bosh, we're telling pork pie stories to take our mind off eating the pie.

0:09:59 > 0:10:01You must have a plethora of them!

0:10:01 > 0:10:04Oh, let me think, pork pie stories. Think, think.

0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Yeah, go on. - Scratch, scratch. Comb, comb.

0:10:07 > 0:10:08Flick, yes!

0:10:08 > 0:10:10Ooh!

0:10:10 > 0:10:11Oh, look at...

0:10:16 > 0:10:18When I was in prison,

0:10:18 > 0:10:20I shared a cell with this fella called Ben Gunn.

0:10:20 > 0:10:23Now, he was a violent psychopath, right,

0:10:23 > 0:10:27but he made some of the best pork pies in the world.

0:10:27 > 0:10:30'Every night, right, I used to listen to him

0:10:30 > 0:10:33'saying the ingredients of his special pork pies.'

0:10:33 > 0:10:35- SNORTING:- Poooorrk!

0:10:35 > 0:10:37Poorrrk!

0:10:37 > 0:10:38Poorrrrrk!

0:10:38 > 0:10:44'And so I wrote the ingredients down in my special notepad.'

0:10:44 > 0:10:45Pooorrrk!

0:10:45 > 0:10:46Porrrrk!

0:10:47 > 0:10:49Have you still got that notepad, Bosh?

0:10:49 > 0:10:52No, Bob, I haven't got that notepad. I ate it.

0:10:52 > 0:10:56But I remember the secret ingredients like it were yesterday.

0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Right, do you still remember them? - Yeah, I remember them. Go on, then.

0:11:00 > 0:11:02- SNORTING:- Porrrrk.

0:11:02 > 0:11:04Porrrrk.

0:11:04 > 0:11:05Porrrrrk.

0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, shit - he was snoring, weren't he?

0:11:09 > 0:11:13Three years without any sleep for that. That's your fault, that is.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Sorry, Bosh. - Yeah, well, you will be.

0:11:15 > 0:11:17Here, how come he gets a go on the pie?

0:11:17 > 0:11:20What do you mean, a go on the pie? Hey, move your elbows, Vic.

0:11:22 > 0:11:25Not your eyebrows, move your elbows.

0:11:25 > 0:11:26Move them!

0:11:26 > 0:11:27VIC GROANS

0:11:27 > 0:11:31What have you done? Julie's going to kill us.

0:11:31 > 0:11:34Bruce Willis is going to go down on us.

0:11:34 > 0:11:37Look, look, lads, I know, I know that I got you in this fix.

0:11:37 > 0:11:40Let me just think. Let me just think for a minute.

0:11:40 > 0:11:43ANGRY GERMAN SHOUTING

0:11:49 > 0:11:51DESCENDING WHISTLE

0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Anything?- Not really, no. - Oh, Jesus!

0:11:58 > 0:12:01Hang on, what's he scratching his arse with?

0:12:01 > 0:12:04No nails, not no more need apply, not now anyway, Maureen.

0:12:04 > 0:12:07What? That was gibberish, Bosh. No Maureen, what?

0:12:07 > 0:12:09No nails, not no need apply, not now anyway, Maureen.

0:12:09 > 0:12:11No, he's talking horse shit.

0:12:11 > 0:12:12That's contact adhesive,

0:12:12 > 0:12:18which, luckily, gives me an idea for a plan.

0:12:24 > 0:12:25Good squirt.

0:12:25 > 0:12:28There you go, good as new. Now can we have some?

0:12:28 > 0:12:30No, Bosh, but thank you.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33Hang on there, let me run this past you.

0:12:33 > 0:12:36Why don't we heat up the entire interior

0:12:36 > 0:12:38and sample the pleasures from within?

0:12:39 > 0:12:42Come on, Bob, don't be a twat all your life.

0:12:42 > 0:12:44It's a good plan.

0:12:44 > 0:12:46- OK.- Yeah?

0:12:46 > 0:12:49All right. Heat up the insides of the pie. Do it, Bosh.

0:12:51 > 0:12:52HAIRDRYER WHIRRS

0:12:57 > 0:13:01- OK, everybody ready?- Mm-hmm. - Yeah? Let's do this.

0:13:05 > 0:13:07SLURPING

0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Wow, what did you think?- Splendid. - Yeah. Bosh, you like it?

0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Totally blown away.- Vic?- Knockout!

0:13:19 > 0:13:21Wasn't it though? OK, let's reinflate.

0:13:23 > 0:13:27Bosh, let's put some of that expanding cavity wall muck in there.

0:13:29 > 0:13:31Yeah, keep it going, come on.

0:13:31 > 0:13:33Steady, there it comes.

0:13:33 > 0:13:34It's rising.

0:13:34 > 0:13:37ALL MUMBLE ENCOURAGMENT

0:13:37 > 0:13:39Careful, careful.

0:13:39 > 0:13:43- That's it.- Yeah! - Good as new, basically.

0:13:43 > 0:13:44Right, all packed.

0:13:44 > 0:13:47FYI, if Bruce should turn up early, tell him I've hung

0:13:47 > 0:13:51a tin of corned beef on a string in the letter box to tide him over.

0:13:51 > 0:13:54Remember, take good care of that pie.

0:13:54 > 0:13:56If Bruce doesn't get his pie,

0:13:56 > 0:13:58he'll pull out of the film and one of you will have to die.

0:13:58 > 0:14:01Now Julie, I know you're only going away for a couple of hours,

0:14:01 > 0:14:03but I'm really going to miss you.

0:14:03 > 0:14:06Oh, Vic, that's so sweet of you.

0:14:06 > 0:14:08You know I don't have to go, you know.

0:14:08 > 0:14:10We could stay and play sex bingo. Say house.

0:14:10 > 0:14:11- House.- Bingo!

0:14:11 > 0:14:13You win a pottery Alsatian

0:14:13 > 0:14:15and a good old-fashioned go on my Barnaby Smudge.

0:14:15 > 0:14:17All right, thank you, Julie,

0:14:17 > 0:14:20but I think maybe you should just go and enjoy your holiday.

0:14:20 > 0:14:22Thank you. Look, they're all giving you a goodbye shape.

0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Oh, goodbye shapes!- Yeah, goodbye.

0:14:25 > 0:14:26- Goodbye.- Bye.- Goodbye.

0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Yes, goodbye.- Goodbye.

0:14:28 > 0:14:31Don't worry about your pie, Julie.

0:14:37 > 0:14:41Oh, this is a disaster. This could have serious consequences, you know.

0:14:41 > 0:14:44- What are we going to do? - What are YOU going to do, more like?

0:14:44 > 0:14:46Eh? What do you... Hold on, we all did it.

0:14:46 > 0:14:50- It wasn't just me.- Don't look at me. I wasn't even there.

0:14:50 > 0:14:52What, so you're going to tell Julie it was all me?

0:14:52 > 0:14:55We were just doing what you told us, weren't we, boys?

0:14:55 > 0:14:56- Absolutely.- Very much so, yeah.

0:14:56 > 0:14:59- You've lived up to your nickname, haven't you?- What nickname?

0:14:59 > 0:15:02Nothing, it's just something that people call you now and then.

0:15:02 > 0:15:05Oh, yeah? Do you know anything about this nickname?

0:15:05 > 0:15:06I might do. I might have heard it.

0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, right. Yeah, and so what is it?

0:15:08 > 0:15:09It's not for me to say.

0:15:09 > 0:15:11Is it Chase Me Charlie, is it that one?

0:15:11 > 0:15:15No, no, people don't call you that so much any more after the change.

0:15:16 > 0:15:18What is it?

0:15:18 > 0:15:19The Moron.

0:15:21 > 0:15:23And I suppose you made that up, did you?

0:15:23 > 0:15:25- It wasn't me, no. - Yeah, who was it then?

0:15:26 > 0:15:29Your mother.

0:15:29 > 0:15:31On her deathbed.

0:15:31 > 0:15:32And in her will.

0:15:32 > 0:15:34And on her gravestone.

0:15:34 > 0:15:36"Beloved mother of the Moron."

0:15:36 > 0:15:40- Which is why we don't take you for a walk round the graveyard any more. - Yeah.

0:15:40 > 0:15:45Look, if I was a moron, do you think I'd be able to sing like this?

0:15:46 > 0:15:50# I'm riding round in circles every day

0:15:50 > 0:15:54# I don't know if I'm going or if I'll stay

0:15:54 > 0:15:58# Cos I'm riding round in circles every day. #

0:16:00 > 0:16:01Yeah?

0:16:03 > 0:16:05Moron, is it?

0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Hello, everyone. - Oh, all right, Erik.

0:16:08 > 0:16:11Father. Or should I say the Moron.

0:16:11 > 0:16:13ALL LAUGH

0:16:13 > 0:16:16That was foocking er-wful.

0:16:16 > 0:16:17What was?

0:16:17 > 0:16:20Everything, the dance and the song.

0:16:20 > 0:16:22Ah-ha-ha-ha(!)

0:16:22 > 0:16:26Come on, we need to concentrate on replacing this pie.

0:16:26 > 0:16:29Now where can we get a luxury pie from?

0:16:29 > 0:16:32I can do a search for pork pies on my new laptop.

0:16:32 > 0:16:36Oh, thank you, Erik. What, just on Google, something like this?

0:16:36 > 0:16:38- How does this work, then? - Oh, shut up.

0:16:38 > 0:16:41I can't concentrate when you guys are talking buh-llocks.

0:16:46 > 0:16:47- Ah, there you go. - Oh, well done, Erik...

0:16:47 > 0:16:49Don't touch me, the Moron.

0:16:52 > 0:16:56Oh, OK, some pork pie shops. So Desperate House Pies.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59Dude, Where's My Pie?

0:17:00 > 0:17:02Pie and Prejudice.

0:17:02 > 0:17:05No Woman, No Pie.

0:17:05 > 0:17:06No Woman, No Pie, that sounds good.

0:17:06 > 0:17:08Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

0:17:08 > 0:17:13Julie said it was Morgan Freeman's favourite pie.

0:17:13 > 0:17:15There might be a clue in that.

0:17:15 > 0:17:16Oh, here it is.

0:17:16 > 0:17:20"Morgan Freeman, like many other Afro-American actors,

0:17:20 > 0:17:25"will only eat pork pies supplied by Ben Gunn's Pork Emporium."

0:17:25 > 0:17:28Ooh, Ben Gunn, my old cellmate, the pork pie master himself.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30You know, he's even got his own fleet of pigs.

0:17:30 > 0:17:32I married a pig once.

0:17:33 > 0:17:35You mean an ugly bird, right?

0:17:35 > 0:17:39No, I actually mean a pig. It was Soho in the '60s.

0:17:39 > 0:17:40It was quite the thing to do.

0:17:40 > 0:17:44That and drive around in bumper cars.

0:17:44 > 0:17:48All right then, shall we just go to Ben Gunn's and get a pie?

0:17:48 > 0:17:51No, we can't. It says he's shut here for Yom Kippur.

0:17:52 > 0:17:55Bosh, surely you could break in for us or summat, couldn't you?

0:17:55 > 0:17:57Oh, you're joking, mate. Ben Gunn's a psycho.

0:17:57 > 0:17:59And his pie shop's got one of the most

0:17:59 > 0:18:02impenetrable security systems in the western hemisphere.

0:18:02 > 0:18:05There's only one man I know that can get in there.

0:18:05 > 0:18:07- And who's that?- Barry Gibb.

0:18:07 > 0:18:08The last surviving Brother Gibb!

0:18:08 > 0:18:10The very same man.

0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh, gosh darnit,

0:18:12 > 0:18:15Mr Gibb is spending this afternoon entertaining

0:18:15 > 0:18:18a young lady in Epping Forest.

0:18:18 > 0:18:20Which effing Forest?

0:18:20 > 0:18:21Ha-ha!

0:18:24 > 0:18:27# Ha, ha, cannonballs, cannonballs

0:18:27 > 0:18:30# Ha...ha....

0:18:30 > 0:18:32# Cannonballs, cannonballs. #

0:18:36 > 0:18:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Bosh, come on, Bosh.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41It's only a little shop. Surely you can break in for us.

0:18:41 > 0:18:44Well, I might be able to break in there, you know.

0:18:44 > 0:18:47It depends how long you let me stay, like, you know what I mean?

0:18:47 > 0:18:48What about another week?

0:18:48 > 0:18:51Yeah, lovely, six weeks it is. Fantastic.

0:18:51 > 0:18:54Right, let's all run away and break into Ben Gunn's pie shop.

0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Come on.- Thank you, Erik. - Shut up.

0:18:59 > 0:19:01SINGS IDIOTICALLY

0:19:01 > 0:19:02THEY LAUGH

0:19:02 > 0:19:04RESPONDS SIMILARLY

0:19:12 > 0:19:13What's the big joke then, lads?

0:19:13 > 0:19:16Bosh just told us the funniest thing I've ever heard.

0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Yeah? What was it?- I can't remember. Did you get the crisps?

0:19:19 > 0:19:21Yeah, I could only afford three packs, I'm afraid.

0:19:21 > 0:19:22There's only three of us.

0:19:25 > 0:19:27Wish I had a pack of crisps.

0:19:27 > 0:19:30Prawn cocktail, are you out of your mind?

0:19:30 > 0:19:33There is no way I am eating that ocean filth.

0:19:38 > 0:19:39Bosh, can I have one of yours?

0:19:39 > 0:19:41No, you can't, I've got none left.

0:19:41 > 0:19:42Vic?

0:19:42 > 0:19:46We haven't got time to stand around here eating crisps. We've got a job to do.

0:19:46 > 0:19:47Oh, Vic, I could have had them!

0:19:47 > 0:19:49You still can.

0:19:49 > 0:19:51I'm not picking them up off the floor.

0:19:51 > 0:19:54Ha! Listen to the old diva. I'll pick them up for you then.

0:19:54 > 0:19:57Here you are. There you are, Your Majesty.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03Look, we need one of them credit cards, security,

0:20:03 > 0:20:05swipe-swipe-swipe things.

0:20:05 > 0:20:08I've got one. Claire's Accessories loyalty card, that'll work.

0:20:08 > 0:20:09Bollocks it will!

0:20:10 > 0:20:11BEEPS

0:20:11 > 0:20:12Like I said, no problem.

0:20:12 > 0:20:16Right, stand back, I'll have a look in here with my special spy camera.

0:20:16 > 0:20:20Right. Zoom, zoom, focus, focus, focus, Kodak.

0:20:22 > 0:20:23Shit!

0:20:23 > 0:20:28Ben Gunn's actually in there asleep, with his cleaver, guarding the pies.

0:20:28 > 0:20:29I've got a good idea.

0:20:30 > 0:20:32You go in there.

0:20:32 > 0:20:34I know what he's like. I'm not doing it.

0:20:34 > 0:20:36I'll stand over here and scratch my nuts.

0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Come on, he's fast asleep. We might get away with it.- Go on, then.

0:20:40 > 0:20:42Fine.

0:20:49 > 0:20:51(There he is.

0:20:51 > 0:20:53(Right, Vic, go and get that pie.)

0:20:53 > 0:20:55Why is it always me?

0:20:55 > 0:20:58- It's never you! - Exactly, so send him.

0:20:58 > 0:21:01(Yeah, all right, good point. Beef, go and get that pie.)

0:21:01 > 0:21:03- No, I can't!- Why not?

0:21:03 > 0:21:04I'm on.

0:21:08 > 0:21:10It doesn't matter. Go and get the pie.

0:21:10 > 0:21:12- Be quiet.- All right.- Go!

0:21:14 > 0:21:17PRRRT! PRRRT!

0:21:17 > 0:21:19"FARTING" IN TIME WITH FOOTSTEPS

0:21:19 > 0:21:22Beef, psst, psst! Take your shoes off.

0:21:22 > 0:21:24It's not my shoes. I'm nervous.

0:21:26 > 0:21:29Just stop there. Vic, go and get the pie. Go and get the pie.

0:21:29 > 0:21:32FOOTSTEPS "FART"

0:21:35 > 0:21:38Vic, stop! Vic, are you nervous?

0:21:38 > 0:21:40No, I'm not nervous.

0:21:40 > 0:21:41Stay there.

0:21:42 > 0:21:44MUSICAL "FARTS"

0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Are you nervous? - I'm not nervous at all.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52I think it's the floor.

0:21:52 > 0:21:57"FARTING" ALONG WITH FOOTSTEPS

0:21:57 > 0:21:59All right, Beef, stop it!

0:22:02 > 0:22:04MOURNFUL DESCENDING "FART"

0:22:04 > 0:22:07ASCENDING "FART"

0:22:10 > 0:22:14Look, lads. Shush! We're going to have to make a run for it.

0:22:14 > 0:22:18Ready? One, two, three.

0:22:18 > 0:22:21CACOPHONY OF "FARTS"

0:22:28 > 0:22:29Shit, it's padlocked. Let's get out of here.

0:22:29 > 0:22:32No, no, no, hold on. I've got a plan.

0:22:34 > 0:22:37SAWING AND HAMMERING

0:22:40 > 0:22:43(I'm stuck!)

0:22:43 > 0:22:45- I'm stuck!- What's that clown saying?

0:22:45 > 0:22:47I think he's saying he's stuck.

0:22:47 > 0:22:48Ben Gunn's behind you.

0:22:48 > 0:22:50What?

0:22:50 > 0:22:52Benn Gunn's behind you!

0:22:52 > 0:22:53Whoa!

0:22:53 > 0:22:56Don't harm me. I'm ELO's archivist.

0:22:56 > 0:22:58If you kill me, their music will be lost for ever!

0:23:00 > 0:23:02HE SNORES

0:23:04 > 0:23:07FARTING

0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's all right, Bosh, it's just the floor.

0:23:09 > 0:23:11Oh, it's not the floor, man. I'm bloody nervous.

0:23:11 > 0:23:15ELONGATED FART

0:23:15 > 0:23:17Right, come on.

0:23:17 > 0:23:19Let's get going before Ben Gunn comes back round again.

0:23:35 > 0:23:37That's a relief, innit?

0:23:37 > 0:23:38Yes, we should celebrate.

0:23:38 > 0:23:40Why don't we eat some of the pork pie?

0:23:40 > 0:23:43Heyyyy! Nearly had us.

0:23:43 > 0:23:48Excuse me, you pack of bastards! I've had a terrible day!

0:23:48 > 0:23:52You sang my lovely song, like, in a really childish manner

0:23:52 > 0:23:55when it should be sung like Wet Wet Wet, like soft rock.

0:23:55 > 0:23:57And worst of all,

0:23:57 > 0:24:02the heel of my boot is tight up hard against my bellend.

0:24:03 > 0:24:05Will you get me out, please?

0:24:15 > 0:24:16Stop it!

0:24:16 > 0:24:18It's made of bulletproof glass.

0:24:18 > 0:24:20To stop people shooting at the pies.

0:24:20 > 0:24:22Stand aside.

0:24:22 > 0:24:23I'll pop him out of there

0:24:23 > 0:24:27- like a cork from a cheap bottle of German wine.- What's he doing?!

0:24:30 > 0:24:31HE STRAINS

0:24:40 > 0:24:42It's impossible. I'm spent.

0:24:42 > 0:24:45Depression has set in and various bits and pieces.

0:24:45 > 0:24:49Now listen, lads, this is a long shot and I've never done it before,

0:24:49 > 0:24:53but I have seen it done on television so it should work, OK?

0:24:54 > 0:24:56Bosh, drum roll.

0:24:56 > 0:24:58Beef, curtain.

0:24:58 > 0:25:00DRUM ROLL

0:25:02 > 0:25:04VIC WARBLES

0:25:04 > 0:25:07Three, two, one, Al Jazeera!

0:25:07 > 0:25:09TRUMPET STING

0:25:09 > 0:25:10ALL CHEER

0:25:10 > 0:25:12It worked! It worked!

0:25:12 > 0:25:14Hi, guys!

0:25:14 > 0:25:16Hello, Julie.

0:25:16 > 0:25:18Julie, your pie.

0:25:18 > 0:25:21Oh, thanks. Look, it's going really well with Bruce.

0:25:21 > 0:25:23I reckon if he likes the pie, he'll do the film,

0:25:23 > 0:25:25and he's really ready for his pie. Listen.

0:25:25 > 0:25:28- BRUCE:- Where's my pie? Where's my pie?

0:25:28 > 0:25:31Where's my pie?

0:25:32 > 0:25:34I'd better take him his pie.

0:25:34 > 0:25:35You should.

0:25:35 > 0:25:38Good luck, Julie. Come on, let's listen.

0:25:40 > 0:25:42Where's my pie? I want my pie.

0:25:42 > 0:25:45I need my pie.

0:25:45 > 0:25:46Here it is, Brucey.

0:25:46 > 0:25:50Eating some pie, eating some pie!

0:25:50 > 0:25:52Yum, yum, yum.

0:25:52 > 0:25:55I like this pie. I love this pie.

0:25:55 > 0:25:58I'll do this film cos I love this pie.

0:25:58 > 0:26:03- Yes.- Oh, that seemed to go very well, didn't it?- Yeah.

0:26:03 > 0:26:05Where's my pie, scumbags?

0:26:05 > 0:26:09Mr Gunn, I'm just a little boy. I've got nothing.

0:26:11 > 0:26:14Hello, Mr Gunn. You clearly don't recognise me from prison

0:26:14 > 0:26:17and that's fabulous, so I'm just off to buy a cauliflower.

0:26:17 > 0:26:20- I hope that's absolutely fine with you.- Shut it, Bosh.

0:26:20 > 0:26:22Now I know it's nearby,

0:26:22 > 0:26:25cos I secreted a tracking device inside of it.

0:26:25 > 0:26:28He said yes. He'll do the film and he loves sex bingo!

0:26:28 > 0:26:32Hello, Ben! Lovely pies.

0:26:32 > 0:26:34- You haven't eaten it, have you?- No.

0:26:34 > 0:26:37Attached to the tracker is a small explosive device,

0:26:37 > 0:26:40which is triggered by digestive juices.

0:26:40 > 0:26:42If anyone eats it, boom!

0:26:44 > 0:26:47Must go, Morgan's going to be furious.

0:26:49 > 0:26:53A tracker on a pork pie? How queer is that?

0:26:53 > 0:26:55Isn't it just? Yeah.

0:26:55 > 0:26:58DISTANT EXPLOSION

0:26:58 > 0:26:59Bang goes Nobbin Hood.

0:26:59 > 0:27:01Sounds like Bruce Willis has died.

0:27:04 > 0:27:06Hard.

0:27:11 > 0:27:15# Didn't we have a lovely day the day we killed Bruce Willis?

0:27:15 > 0:27:16# So what happens next?

0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Let's sing a song

0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Good idea, Bob knows one!

0:27:22 > 0:27:25# I'm riding round in circles every day

0:27:25 > 0:27:26# Soft rock version, soft rock version

0:27:26 > 0:27:29# I don't know if I'm going or if I'll stay

0:27:29 > 0:27:31# He's a moron, he's a moron

0:27:31 > 0:27:37# I'm riding round in circles every day! #

0:27:37 > 0:27:39THEY HUM

0:27:39 > 0:27:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE