0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Today's the day I decorate with paper I got off the eBay
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# It's a surprise for Bob So I've done a good job
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# I think he'll be over the moon with it
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# Look what he did The useless prick
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# He's covered my home with horses
0:00:33 > 0:00:36# I wish that he would leave well alone
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# And stop destroying my beautiful HOME! #
0:00:39 > 0:00:42So, Bob, what do you think?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43What do I think? It's awful!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47It's like seeing your mum in a codpiece. What's the scenario here?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Horses. Beautiful horses. Some of them galloping.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Some of them...not so galloping.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55That one there's more like a kangaroo.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Kangaroo?! That's Billy Bongo.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02He won the Grand National in 1927 and 1978. Billy Bongo!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I remember Billy Bongo.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Whatever happened to Billy?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Well, he got eaten by the IRA. Oh.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And what about this fella here? This one, it's too long.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17It's like a German sausage dog.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Well, you're right about the German,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22because it's a German tandem horse for two people, you know,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24for lovers or friends, you know.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26It's a German honeymoon horse. Oh, right.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Bob, did I ever tell you I was a horse whistler?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I think you mean horse whisperer.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33No, horse whistler.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34I used to whistle... VIC WHISTLES
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Whoops. ..and the horses would come. Very useful at the stud farm.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Of course, yeah.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, I'll tell you what, Vic, I'm gonna live with it,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47well, up to half an hour or so, and then you can rip it down
0:01:47 > 0:01:50and we'll have it burnt in the brazier at a gypsy encampment.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Well, charming(!)
0:01:54 > 0:01:57# Have a look I'm all dressed up
0:01:57 > 0:01:58# Today I'm meeting a lady
0:01:58 > 0:02:01# I have to admit I'm feeling shit
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# I was up till half four drinking lager. #
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Here, I like your new wallpaper.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10That's German honeymoon horses, innit? Yeah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Apparently. Billy Bongo there.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Some of them galloping. Some of them not so galloping.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19See, he's not ignorant. Yeah. So, Bosh, you moving out today? No.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Why would I, you twat? Whoa!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Well, firstly, because it's not your house
0:02:24 > 0:02:27and also, I've never actually invited you to live here, have I?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28You're still ill, aren't you? Am I?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Yeah, you're still ill, you know, whooping cough.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Oh, yeah, whooping cough. BOSH COUGHS
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Whoo-hoo. HE COUGHS
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Whoo-hoo. So, Bosh, what's with the fancy clobber? Top half anyway like.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Well, I've got me probation officer coming round to check on us, like.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Now, I've told her that I've got a steady job
0:02:44 > 0:02:46and that Julie next door is my fiance.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, yes, and I've also told her that I own this place.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hey, hey, hey, no way. Never. Not gonna happen. No way.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53This is not barnacle country.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, yes, I think it is. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, it will.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, Bosh! Hold on, Bosh! Your breath stinks!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Does it? Oh, man!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It stinks of booze and...flies.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Well, I've been having a party, haven't I?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08You can't see your probation officer
0:03:08 > 0:03:11stinking of booze and flies. Here, hang on.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Try a bit of this. What is it?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17BUBBLING
0:03:25 > 0:03:27CHICKEN CLUCKS
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Cheeky chicken.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Well, how about that?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37It repels chickens as well.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39And if I was you, Bosh, I'd put some trousers on.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Your probation office might not be as free-thinking as me.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46You know what I mean, like? Bosh. Some trousers. Some trousers on.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Bosh makes tentative step towards trouser collection.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Well done, Bosh. Well done.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Can you believe that? Him wanting to say that this is his house?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I can't believe it. Isn't it extraordinary?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It is extraordinary. I can't believe it. Hey, Bob, Bob.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Yeah? Forgot to tell you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04This wallpaper also repels flies. Yeah? How come?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Well, I put up these rolls here with
0:04:06 > 0:04:08a mixture of fly spray and hair gel.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oh, get you!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And it'll also keep all the wasps away as well.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Yeah, but we don't actually get wasps in here, do we, Vic?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Hmm, well, you will now, because I've put this roll up here with marmalade.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Thick cut, that's why it's a bit lumpier than the others.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Do you know what you are, Vic? What?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26You're an idiot. A what? Yeah, you're an idiot.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I'm an idiot, am I? You're an idiot, yeah. I'm an idiot. An idiot.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Would an idiot be able to do this?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Eh? It's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Now who's the idiot?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Aye, so I'm an idiot, yeah. Yeah.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54# Wanna make love tonight
0:04:54 > 0:04:59# I wanna make love all right
0:04:59 > 0:05:02# I wanna make love to... #
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Horses.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Some galloping. Some not so galloping. Yes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Famously ridden through the streets of Coventry by Lady Godiva naked.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17I said NEIGH-ked. You know what I mean?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Beef, I like your belt!
0:05:19 > 0:05:23It's yellow. The most yellow of all my yellow belts.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27As yellow as a buttercup. Like the buttercup,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I can use this to test whether you like yellow belts.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Come closer.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Closer still.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Closer still. Oh, right, oh right. OK.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43That's it, down we go. OK.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Yes. Yeah.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50That's it. You there. Come here.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Test whether he likes yellow belts.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Can you get in there? Yeah. Ooh. Yes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09So, Vic, do I like yellow belts, can you see? Yeah.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Yes, I do. Yes, you do. Well, that makes sense
0:06:12 > 0:06:16because I said I liked his belt. Can I have me wig back, please?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I've no idea what you're talking about. Excuse me?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I said I've no idea what you're talking about.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Vic, just give us me wig back.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26It's down there. Look, it's trying to escape again.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30THEY LAUGH
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Yeah? Yeah?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Oh, you're laughing, are you?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Hello, everybody. I like the new wallpaper.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46German honeymoon horses.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yeah. Come and have a look. Yeah, I'll come and have a look.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50No, wait there. Just the cool guys.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54You like it?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55That's fucking genius.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Uh-huh. Some of 'em galloping.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00And some of them not so galloping.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04This is why I like you so much, Vic. You keep on surprising me.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Erik, I've got some wallpaper I could put up in your room for you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It's got like aircraft on it and robots.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Aircraft? Do I look like I'm five years old?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"I'm in an aircraft.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18"I should probably land so my mum can change my diaper."
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Need to learn when to shut up, we were having a moment. Oh.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Yeah, Erik, I'll see you later on at dusk.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29We'll have a Ribena together or something.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You crazy, Vic.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So, what was it you came round for, Beef?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I'm storing some things for Bosh. Is he around? Is he?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I don't know. I'll have a look if he's upstairs.
0:07:42 > 0:07:48Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
0:07:48 > 0:07:54Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
0:07:54 > 0:08:00BOTH: Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
0:08:00 > 0:08:05ALL: Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08He's up there. He's probably got his head submerged.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11What, he's having a bath? No, he'll be looking at his tropical fish.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15So, what did you come round for, Beef?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18All right. Just hiding some things for him until the heat dies down.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Anyway, are there any women in the flat? I'm feeling incredibly randy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27No, of course not, Beef. I'll be off then.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I shall sit on my dishwasher until the feeling passes. All the best.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Yeah. Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36She's nearly here. So here's the plan - you two get lost. One of you
0:08:36 > 0:08:39go and get Julie and one of you come back pretending to be me boss.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it, Bosh.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I'll have no part to play in it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Sorry, I'm not doing it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Well, in that case, I have no alternative than to
0:08:47 > 0:08:48play my trump card
0:08:48 > 0:08:52and send these exotic photographs of you to the national press.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Exotic photo? What exotic photos?!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Ah-ha! The John McCririck ones.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Ssh... I thought I told you to get rid of them.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Yeah, well, no. I sent them to Bosh when he was in prison.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I thought it might cheer him up. And they did, Vic, they did.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Have you still got them? Yeah, have a look at those.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14THEY LAUGH
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Ooh, what's that you and John are sitting on?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20You're riding around on, is it a St Bernard?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Yes. What's that on your head? It's a Christmas pudding.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26VIC LAUGHS Oh, that's a nice one, you've
0:09:26 > 0:09:29got your arms around John's waist.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Is that a rolling pin you're holding there?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Here. There! Ha-ha! All gone.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37That won't destroy the negatives, mate.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Oh, ssh... I should've killed you when I had the chance.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42KNOCK ON DOOR Right, she's here.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Go on, get out. Get out. One of you go and get Julie
0:09:44 > 0:09:47and one of you come back pretending to be me boss.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Go on. Scram, scram, scram.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Oh, hello. Do come in, Fiona, and make yourself at home, you twat.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00So, this is your new home?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I like your German honeymoon horses. Some of them galloping.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Some of them not so galloping. HE BLUSTERS
0:10:06 > 0:10:08But where have my manners... They have abandoned me.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Please, sit yourself down there, my sweet, sweet darling.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Now, can I get you a lager,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18a cigarette or perhaps a chicken nugget?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Thank you. I'm fine.
0:10:21 > 0:10:28So, how have things been going since your release, Mr er...Bush?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Bosh. Not Bush?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Nutbush City Limits. Whatever you like.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Do carry on, your worship.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38You clamber up through that window and be quiet.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Right, go on. Give us hoggle up. Eh? Cup your hands.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43No, down there. Come on. Oh, I know what you mean, like on the telly.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Yeah. On the telly. Ooh! Is that... You've got it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It's quite refreshing, but no, it's not right. OK, I'll decouple.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I know. Here...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55on there, on the waistband there, get it in there.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You've got purchase? Yeah. Oh.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Up you go. Come on.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Hang on, it's quite hard. Oh, thanks very much. Oh!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Ah!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Shush!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16TAMBOURINE RATTLES AND HORN HONKS
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Sorry, what is going on in there?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, that will be my maid. She's continental, don't you know?
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Excuse me one moment while I go and chide her.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35Oi! Shut up in there, you daft cow, before I come in there and bite you!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I'm so sorry about that, madam. Now, where were we?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43(That's your fault that! Shush!) (It's your fault.)
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Look what you've done now!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49GARBAGE DISPOSAL RUMBLES
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Ssh!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Turn it off at the fuse board!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yeah, no problem.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Get in the fuse board in there. Turn it off.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23RADIO PLAYS
0:12:27 > 0:12:31So, this is your house? And does your maid live here?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yes. Pardon me, madam.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm so sorry about all this infernal noise.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37What must you think of me? Not much I'm sure.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Excuse me whilst I go and rap the bloody servant.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Oi! Oh, aye! Something's happening. Ooh!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Go and get Julie, you big bag of nought.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Tell her to pretend to be me wife.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I'm so sorry about that, but running a house of this size and grandeur
0:13:26 > 0:13:29is a constant worry for both me and my fiancee,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32who will be here shortly, you twat.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37KNOCK ON DOOR Yoo-hoo. Ah!
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Julie, I was just wondering if you could... Hang on a minute.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Julie, I was wondering if you could do me a favour?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, yes, of course. But first of all,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I'm absolutely desperate to go fishing.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Oh, come on, don't be an arsehole, just say yes. Please?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Oh, yes, yes, yes. Come on a little spot of fishing. Come on. Right.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Landing nets, hooks. Yeah. All the fishing shit. Come on, let's fish,
0:14:08 > 0:14:13let's do it. Ah! Oh I did enjoy that did you? What did you catch?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Nothing. Oh, come on, I saw your float bobbing and the fish taking your bait.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, don't be tight. Tell me what you got.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21A trout. Hold it up.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Let me take a picture.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32He's a beauty, isn't he? How much do you think he weighs?
0:14:32 > 0:14:39I don't know, about 2oz. Oh, the fish! 10lb?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44Oh, you silly boy. There's nothing there. We didn't even go fishing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46THEY LAUGH
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Julie, look. Now listen, about that favour.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Bosh's probation officer's coming around in a minute.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Would you, please, pretend to be his fiancee?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Oh, yes. What fun! Yes, yes! Good. Just come round in a minute.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02In a minute? Yeah. Oh, defo. Thanks.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06And you say you're now in full-time employment? Oh, yes.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08What is it you do? I don't know.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11But my boss will be here shortly to fill you in.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Ah, hello. Ah, there he is now.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I'm Gary Hardboard, Bosh's employer.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Good day, madam, I'm Bosh's boss, Lord Halfmore. Now then, look here,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26every morning, he raises the sluice gates and allows the fish and the
0:15:26 > 0:15:30birds and the small craft and the mosses and the crabs to pass through.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And at the end of the day, he closes the sluice gates and everything
0:15:33 > 0:15:35seems to be satisfactory and in good order.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I thank you for your kind time and attention.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Sorry, hold on. I don't understand.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Which one of these bosses do you actually work for?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I don't mind. Which one do you like?
0:15:45 > 0:15:51Ah, Brownhole. Ah, Sergeant Tobotsman. Yes.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54A problem has arisen with our insurers.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Yes, well, I think there looks like a good place to have
0:15:57 > 0:16:00a high powered business meeting. I quite agree. Let's go through.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03After you. Thank you, madam. Good day, madam. Good day.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You work for both of them, do you? It's looking that way, innit?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Hmm. And you're in a steady relationship? Tell me about her.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Oh, yes, well, she works for a Turkish man in Persia.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Istanbul? Yeah, that's him, Stan Bull. He guts fish.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Hello, my treacle!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I just got back from the old typing pool.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Cor, them Olivettis don't half blister your fingers!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31What are you doing in my house? You coppers do my head in!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You must be the PERSIAN fiancee?
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Yes, I am Fatima. Let me tell you your fortune.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46All right, Julie? Fatima.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Hold on a second. Who the hell is this?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57You really are beautiful. Maybe we should make love.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Tell me, what are you doing here?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04I'm interviewing Bosh. Ah, he's applying for a job, is he?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06That'll be a first.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Maybe he'll find somewhere to live, or even get himself a girlfriend.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I understand Julie is free.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Your stolen bicycle pumps are outside if you want them.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Ah, thanks very much, mate.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, I get it. You've been lying to me.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You haven't got a home or a job or a girlfriend.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Right. Well, this is absolutely unacceptable.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I'll be back next week and if things haven't significantly improved,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I'll report you to the court for breach of your probation order.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Do you understand? Get yourself a job.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, yes, I quite agree, you twat.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39One week.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Don't you dare, Beef! You've ruined the whole plan.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49What plan? What whole plan?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Right. No, stop it, stop it! Drop the beat.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12You need to sort this out, mate. Me? Why me?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15John McCririck. You've got to get yourself a job.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19A job, yeah, that's it, yeah, I'll take it. What is it? No, I haven't got a job, Bosh.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24Bosh, what you've gotta do is think about what you really like doing.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh. Oh, God. Think, think, squirt, squirt.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32That's not a job, though.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I know, I wanna be like that twat off the telly.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37What Gordon Ramsay? Yeah.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay. That gives me an idea for a plan.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45What plan? What whole plan?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Right. Best behaviour, please, Julie, she'll be here in a minute.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00This is such a hoot.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Right. Hello! Here are your starters.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Whole chicken for you.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Whole chicken for you. Now, let us say grace.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Two, three, four.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18# Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole
0:19:18 > 0:19:22# Ole, ole. #
0:19:22 > 0:19:26That's it. OK. Now, would you like anything to drink?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I've got skimmed, semi-skimmed, pasteurised or full fat.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Maybe you'd like to try the yogurt? No. We're fine, thanks.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36OK then. All right. I'm sorry Martin, that table's taken.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39You'll have to eff off. KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Oh, hello, madam. Welcome to my new job.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I'm the proprietor of this pop-up restaurant Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49named after the famous restaurant off of Gordon Ramsay's.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Now, allow me to show you to your table, you twat.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I have warmed your seat for you. Um-hm.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Well, this is very impressive, Bosh. Well done.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08You know, if this is for real and not just one of your scams,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I might give you another chance. All right.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Well, in that case, how would you like your chicken cooked?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Roasted or boiled? Sorry, I'm a vegetarian.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well, have it cold then.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21No, I'm a vegetarian.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well, have it cold then.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26No, I don't want chicken. Have you got anything else?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I've got halibut upstairs in the bath.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I'm a vegetarian! Well, have it raw then.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34What else have you got?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Fags, milk and yogurt.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Could you ask the chef to knock me up something?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Well, I'll give it a go, yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Right. She wants one of you two to knock her up or something.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Knock her up?! She's not had her pudding yet.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54She wants us to knock her something up to eat. Does she not like chicken?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No, she's a vegetarian.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Well, did you tell her she could have it cold? Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Vegetarians don't eat chicken, not even cold.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Did you not even know that?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04It's ridiculous.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Look, tell her we'll think of something.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Yeah. All right. Well, get a bloody move on. Especially you.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Because if I don't feed her, then I go back to prison
0:21:14 > 0:21:15and the press get the photos.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18All right. Ooh.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Well, right. Vic, think.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Something that's not chicken, but you CAN eat it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Have a look in the cupboards, Vic.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Chickens.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Chickens. Try the cupboard below.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Chickens everywhere! Cheeky chicken!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Whoa! Ah!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Cheeky chicken! Cheeky chicken!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You all right?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59We can serve chicken. Whoa!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00BOTH: Cheeky chicken.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Right. Not chicken, but you... BOTH: CAN eat it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I know, I'll ask Erik, he's foreign, isn't he?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14And you get on the phone to Beef, see what he's got in his cupboards. Right.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I'm so sorry about the inevitable delay, madam.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19The chef can be rather partial.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Perhaps some light entertainment whilst you wait?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25PLAYS "LONDON'S BURNING"
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Et cetera.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36# ..London's burning London's burning. #
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Erik. # ..Fire, fire... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# ..Fire, fire. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Oh, Erik.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50What do you want? I'm very busy working on some dimensions.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52That's interesting. Dimensions for what?
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Your coffin. ERIK LAUGHS
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And so on. Yeah, thanks, Erik.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Look, Bosh has got a diner downstairs who won't eat meat.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04You haven't got anything I can serve up, have you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, serve that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15ERIK LAUGHS Yeah, tennis, yeah, yeah.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Ahoy, it's a classic.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Yeah, no, it's right up there, yeah. Erik...
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Oh, hello there. I like your moo-moo.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I bet you do.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35It's made from Moroccan sausage skin and winkles and it's heatproof.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I've been sat in the airing cupboard all morning without a simple bit of discomfort.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I should be in there.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45All right, Beef? This is all I could find.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Let's have a look. What is it?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Does it matter? I mean, does it really matter?!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Yeah, it does matter, Beef. I think this is flour.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Look, here's an egg. Egg.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Right. we crack the egg into the flour. That'll make a pizza. Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08And for a topping. We use maybe this sauce of Beef's.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Let me try it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yeah, that's OK. Try it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Hmm. Real depth of flavour. What is it?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I don't know. I bought it from a bazaar in Nairobi.
0:24:22 > 0:24:28Mmm. It says here, "Mugabe's personal nerve agent.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Sugar free. May contain nuts.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34"Please follow us on Twitter and Facebook."
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You kill him.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Nerve agent! Nerve agent, Beef! You know what that means?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It means we're going to die.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Beef. What? Contact me mum and tell her I love her.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I love her too. On a weekly basis.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Ooh! So, I guess this is cheerio. So goodbye, Vic.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I've always loved you.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Oh, Bob! Goodbye. I love you too.
0:25:15 > 0:25:21I'm feeling horny again.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Get out of my way.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Ooh, ooh! Ooh!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You to me are everything,
0:25:29 > 0:25:33the greatest song a man could sing. Oh!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37No, Beef, no! Get out of here. Go on, man. Shame.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42I shall return with shoes made of...iron ore!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I'm so sorry about that, madam.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50We get all sorts in here. It really can be quite a challenge.
0:25:53 > 0:25:59Bosh, I'm dying due to nerve agent ingestion!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So, I guess it's goodbye. OK.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'd like you to have me racehorse when I'm gone. What, Daft John?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Yes, it's his 50th birthday on Saturday.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11There's a coconut in the fridge for him.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Could you make sure he gets it? He loves to suck on them.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Vic, Vic, it's all right. Listen, it's OK.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21It's worn off. Must be out of date or something. Oh.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Yeah, phew. Ooh. Oh.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Did I hear you say coconut? I love coconuts.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Maybe I could have that?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Of course, madam. Mortimer.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34You can't deprive Daft John of his sucking coconut!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I don't care about his sucking coconut.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39If I don't feed her, I'm going back to sucking prison.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44There you are, madam, a lovely coconut topped pizza.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Thank you.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46That pizza looks a bit hard.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Yeah, it turns out it wasn't flour, it was grout.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Is grout edible?
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Nope.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57This looks delicious, Bosh. Well done.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It's not cordon bleu, but it's a good effort.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04So, I'm not going back to prison, then?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Well, no, of course not. ALL: Yay!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18And I am wearing iron ore shoes.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22And tonight, I celebrate my love for you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28ALL: Yay!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Are you trying to knock me up or something?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34That was my plan. My whole plan.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36ALL: Hey!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# Didn't we have a lovely day?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# The day I ran a restaurant
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# So what happens next?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# We form a circle Dance around the hydrothermal... #
0:27:50 > 0:27:52ALL HUM ALONG
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Thank you. Thank you.