0:00:02 > 0:00:06JAUNTY THEME MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# Today's the day with my toupee I go to the award show
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# It's Wig Wearer of the Year, a night alone without the moron.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29LAUGHTER
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Can't wait for tonight
0:00:32 > 0:00:33# Oh what a delight
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# To see Bob's trophy in his hands
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# I'll be so proud sat in the crowd
0:00:38 > 0:00:40# Drunk as a lord without me pants on. #
0:00:40 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, just you and me on a night out together.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Hey, who should we thank if I win?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50What, Vic? No, I'm not thanking that arsehole!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52HE LAUGHS
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Who you talking to - is it wiggy,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55that little fella who lives on your head?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58You just leave him alone. Today I don't want you sweating near him,
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I don't want you slavering on him,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I don't want you creating breezes near him,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I need him completely unflustered for the evening's award show.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Bob, that wig will remain safe and undisturbed
0:01:09 > 0:01:13unless something untoward happens, which I'm sure it won't.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:16That's really very reassuring.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Now, Bob, did you get me curly cheesy puffs?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Uh... Uh.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Did you get me curly cheese puffs?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Did you get them, did you get them? - Yeah!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Yes, yes, yes, yes,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Oh, no, sorry, I forgot.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Dryness, dehydrated, need water.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Cool, refreshing Scottish water.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Course I got them, there you are, I was just kidding,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51just kidney beans, just kindling, that kind of thing.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53There you go.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57What's the matter?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00These are straight ones, I asked for curly ones.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Well, they're just taste the same, won't they?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05No, they won't, you eat with your eyes, man,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06what's the matter with you?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08IMMITATES GUNSHOT
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Whoa! come here.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16There you are, freshly curled.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23No, it's not the same, I can still taste the straightness.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Go and get me a curly one.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28No, I won't - I'm not your slave. I'm sorry about the lack of curl
0:02:28 > 0:02:31but, look, today's the day of me award ceremony,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34can't we just create a nice, pleasant atmosphere?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- HE GROWLS - Go on, why don't you show me
0:02:36 > 0:02:39what you've been doing on your little computer?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40All right then.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Actually I've been up all night working on Photoshop,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- do you know what I mean? - Sorry?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Working on Photoshop.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Yeah, I got that what was the little flourish afterwards though?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Working on Photoshop... (SLURRING) D'yknow what I mean?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's, like, cool for, "Do you know what I mean?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Oh, right. "D'yknow what I mean?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Yeah, I get you.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Yeah, no, I know the Photoshop.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's not the Photoshop,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03it's just Photoshop,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- just Photoshop, you idiot. - Idiot?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Oh, yeah.- If I was an idiot would I be able to do this?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- LAUGHTER - Eh?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14What?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Eh? Oh, well, you'll never know.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Come on, what have you been doing?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Well...
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Bob have you ever wondered what Richard Branson, Sir Richard Branson,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27might look like if he didn't have a beard?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Yeah, all the time, sometimes every minute of every day.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Yeah, I think most people,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33most people have wondered that at some point in their lives.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Yeah, definitely, definitely. - Have a look at this.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I don't even know who that is, Vic, I don't recognise him at all.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's Richard Branson, Sir Richard Branson.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Really? - But wait a minute - look.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Wow, he's back, it's Richard. Sir Richard.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Sir Richard's back now, so he can design more hot air balloons.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Yeah. Do you know, you've done really well, Vic.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Thank you. - Done really, really well.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Bob, can I ask you something?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- I don't know, can you? - Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Do you know it's the Wig Wearer of the Year Awards tonight?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Yeah, and if I win it will be three years on the trot
0:04:13 > 0:04:14and I get to keep the wig.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Yeah, so no more rentals on it?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17No, it's mine to keep.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I was wondering... I'd really like to go to something like that,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22can I go with you?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23No, no, no, no, no, you're not going, Vic.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Do you not remember last year with Bruce Forsyth?
0:04:27 > 0:04:32AS FORSYTH: A goo-goo-goo-good evening, ladies and gentlemen and children,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36welcome to the Wig Wearer of the Year Award.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38BIRD SQUAWKS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Fly free, my beauty, fly!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43SQUAWKING
0:04:43 > 0:04:47BRUCE STAMMERS
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Give it to me.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54FARTS NOISILY
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LOUD BANG
0:04:56 > 0:05:00LOUD BANG
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yeah, well, but that wasn't nothing to do with me that was Kes's fault.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06But look, Vic, if you're at a loss for something to do tonight
0:05:06 > 0:05:09why don't you wash your bed sheets for once instead of just
0:05:09 > 0:05:12leaning them up against the wall every morning?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15How am I supposed to wash them, we haven't got a river near by?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17A river? We don't live in Wales.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20How did you wash them last time?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I just walked them through that car wash over there.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27But that car wash over there, yeah, that shut in 1982 -
0:05:27 > 0:05:29is that the last time you washed them?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yeah, so I can't go there again, can I?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Oi, this way, come here, come here, you.- All right, Bosh?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Never mind all that, you twat, I need you to do something for me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Here, look after that.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41All right. Bosh, Bosh, hold on a minute, first off, what is it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's, you know, it's one of them sort of pump me up
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- energy drinks, isn't it, you know? - Bosh, Bosh.- What?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48What, so it's just like for body builders - that sort of thing?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Body building juice, exactly right. - Bosh?- What?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Come here, are you moving out today? - No, I am not moving out, Bob.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Why not? - I'll tell you why not,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01because I have very rapidly
0:06:01 > 0:06:04fallen madly
0:06:04 > 0:06:07in love with you.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:14That's the first of many, you twat.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Be careful with that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21All right, Vic.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Yeah, where you going, son? - I'm going to go to the toilet.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Enjoy yourself, kid.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Hey, Vic, did you hear that?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- This is like body builder's liquid, you know?- Yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34You know, I wouldn't mind being all buffed up for tonight's award show.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Me too.- Yeah, but you're not coming, are you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41What part of your body are you most looking forward to getting buffed up?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I've got to say the top half because the bottom half,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I've got to be honest, is pretty buffed up already to be honest.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Yeah? - Yeah, here, check it out, go on.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Whoa, that's good and thick that, isn't it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You can't actually get your hand round it, can you?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57It's rock hard as well.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Yeah, it's quite short.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Yeah, it's quite short but it will be good for football that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Ugh! Ugh!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Ugh!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Hey, Vic, I wonder if it's kicked in already yet?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11We need to lift something, have you got anything heavy?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I've got a Metallica album but it doesn't weigh much.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- What was that? - It was a joke.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Oh, right, it didn't land, though, yeah?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23We need to lift something that's really heavy, that lamp's heavy,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26we've never been able to lift that, have we? Go on, give it a go.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28HE STRAINS
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Go on.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31STRAINS LOUDLY
0:07:31 > 0:07:34No, that makes... It's a very heavy lamp, isn't it?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35It's too heavy that, son.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Yeah, what's happened to my toupee?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Where's my toupee gone, Vic?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Where's my... where's my...?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Where's my toupee gone, Vic?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Bob, Bob, you know that old, arthritic rat thing
0:07:45 > 0:07:46that hangs around here sometimes?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Yeah, what's that got to do with it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50It's walking off with your wig down there.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Well, catch it, Vic!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54RAT THING SQUEAKS
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Well, grab it for me, Vic.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It's your wig, you get it.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00No, I'm scared of it, you know, I'm just a little boy really.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Will you just grab it for me?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Keep your hair on.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Please, just grab it for us, Vic.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I'm going as fast as I can for someone who hasn't got
0:08:08 > 0:08:10a ticket for the Wig Wearer of the Year awards.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, just grab it, Vic, please.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15It's so old it's developed a forcefield round it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18BUZZING
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Well, penetrate it, Vic.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I'd feel a lot braver if I had a ticket for tonight.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You're not going. Get it!
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Bob, Bob, no, it really has gone, it's gone underneath the cooker.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32BOB GROWLS AND SNARLS
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Bob you're all pumped up, harness the power.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- IN A DEEP VOICE:- Get out of my way!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45VIC SNARLS
0:08:45 > 0:08:47The prophecy has been fulfilled.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You cheeky monkey.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You silly sausage.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You silly billy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57You daft apeth.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Oh, you idiot.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Oh, yes!- Yes.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05If I was an idiot would I be able to do this?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10HE YELPS
0:09:10 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15MUSIC BOX PLAYS DELICATE TUNE
0:09:15 > 0:09:19THEY GROWL AND SNARL
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- Charity.- Sweet charity.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Sentimental.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Gay abandon.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32GROWLING
0:09:32 > 0:09:36ROARING
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Ro-o-o-aaahh!
0:09:42 > 0:09:43MICROWAVE BEEPS
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Oh!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Oh!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Oh!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Oh!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Boom!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I know!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Why?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57THEY ROAR
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Dance!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02CHEESY ELECTRONICA
0:10:02 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:06 > 0:10:07BOB GRUNTS
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Oh, no. No, it's worn off.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Aaaaaagh!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Oh! There's goes my toupee, get after it before we lose the power!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17ECHOING ROAR: Yes, master!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Oh... For goodness' sake.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:28ANIMAL SQUEAKS
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It's gone into Julie's flat.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, not Julie's. Here, get out the way.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36FUNKY MUSIC
0:10:36 > 0:10:37# Here is my pan
0:10:37 > 0:10:38# And you must understand
0:10:38 > 0:10:42# I was told it was made of iron
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# When I got home
0:10:44 > 0:10:46# And heated my stove
0:10:46 > 0:10:50# It melted cos it's made from plastic! #
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:10:59What a fool I've been with the purchase of this frying pan.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I tell you this, if ever you need a frying pan, go to a regular
0:11:03 > 0:11:06store and not Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shit House.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:10I like your boots, Beef.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Yes, they're Canadian, made from a wolf's penis.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Did you get them in Canada?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18No, I got them in Hartlepool.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23They ARE Canadian. Let me show you. If you twist the heel,
0:11:23 > 0:11:27inside there's a small bottle of maple syrup for pancakes, which was
0:11:27 > 0:11:31what I was trying to cook in Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shit House frying pan.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Transpires it's about as much use as a...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Plastic frying pan.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Was that a joke?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:42What's that little saucepot doing?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44ANIMAL SQUEAKS
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Beef, Beef. You know that little rat thing, that little rat beaver thing
0:11:50 > 0:11:52that's round these parts? Yeah, it's nicked me toupee
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and taken it into Julie's house,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56and without it I can't go to the award show, it's a disaster.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- What, that little rat beaver thing? - Yeah.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Well, hasn't that been in this building
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- since our forefathers were here in the 1970s?- Mm.- Mm.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05TINKLING MELODY
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Cor blimey!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I hate being a bus conductor.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Yeah, I know you do, Dickie. Hey, one of those coloured gentlemen's
0:12:14 > 0:12:18moved in next door. Cor! He ain't half tall.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22And fat! I don't know how he squeezes into that little
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Hillman Imp of his.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Oh, hello, Harper.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Cor blimey! I only just got an eye full of that bit of crumpet next
0:12:30 > 0:12:35door, and she's only moved in with a coloured fellow. He ain't half tall.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36BOTH: And fat!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I should say.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Here, Stan, that little rat weasel thing's making off,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44rather slowly, I might add, with your caramel wafer.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Cor! That rat gerbil thing's been slowly stealing stuff
0:12:49 > 0:12:53since our fathers lived here in the 1950s!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Yeah.- Yes.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56'50s TV THEME MUSIC
0:12:58 > 0:12:59VIC GRUNTS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02VIC GRUNTS
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Look here, darling, I'm sick and tired of working
0:13:04 > 0:13:07at the Foreign Office. Do you think you might possibly have a word
0:13:07 > 0:13:10with your father and see if you could secure me a position at the Treasury?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I'll see what I can do. Now, listen, that coloured gentleman's
0:13:14 > 0:13:17still living next door, you know. He's very tall.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And fat.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I've simply no idea how he squeezes himself into that rather
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- wonderful little Morris Oxford of his.- Mm.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27BEEF GRUNTS
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Hello, darling.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Now listen here, you two. Transpires that fancy blouse
0:13:31 > 0:13:34from next door's moved in with a coloured chap,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36and he's a tall one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37BOTH: And fat.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yes.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Now look here, that little rat beaver thing there is making off,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45with a rather casual manner I might add, with my brisket,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I was going to have that for my tea.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49ANIMAL SQUEAKS
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Vic, would you go next door to Julie's and get it for me?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Well, I'm not going, why don't you go?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Because I'm disgusting.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Well, I'm not going, it's ten o'clock.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02She'll have had her first sherry and she's at her randiest then.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Beef, would you go?- I'm not going.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Why not?- I've no idea where next door is.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I don't even know who you are.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I'll go if you give us a ticket for tonight.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Urgh! You get that wig back you can have a ticket, Vic.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Right, good.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Well, I'm having some of this first.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You know, it's not a bad idea. Oh, go easy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Ooh! Ulrika.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Good luck.- Thanks.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Pancakes?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31BOING!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Beef, how the hell did you do that?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38You have to believe in yourself, Bob. Do you believe in yourself?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Yes, I believe. - Well, then, you will be fine.- OK.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45THUD
0:14:45 > 0:14:46BOB GROANS
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- What a fool.- Ah!
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Jesus!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55ANIMAL SQUEAKS
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Oh, hello, tiny little bear thing.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Long time no see! You've been around here for a long
0:15:03 > 0:15:05while, since my mother lived here in the '70s.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08TINKLING MELODY
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Cor blimey!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12SLIDE WHISTLE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I'll take a couple of those and a cup of tea!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Oh, I say! Ain't you a lively one and no mistake.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Why don't you come in for a bit of 'how's your father'?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23BOING!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Me husband's away.- Who? The coloured fellow?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Yeah. Tall, ain't he? - And fat.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Oh!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33BOUNCING THUD
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Oh!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Hey, where you going with my Imperial Leather?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43ANIMAL SQUEAKS
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Uh-bluh...Whoo! Julie, I was wondering, can I just quickly grab
0:15:49 > 0:15:51that little beaver thing between your legs?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Abso-bloody-lutely.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Be my guest. Martin, do one.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57No, that's not what I meant,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I meant, can I grab that little scruffy rat thing?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Call it whatever you like.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04No, look, that rat bear thing, it's run off with Bob's wig.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Where's it gone? Where's it gone? Where is it?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08He needs it for the Wig Wearer Awards. Where's it gone?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Where's it gone?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Vic, Vic, Vic, calm down. You're acting like an eight-year-old, OK?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16When I was eight I was an Ice Road Trucker.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Oh, Vic, let's just get married.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20No, thank you very much.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I will have to wear black though, I killed my last husband.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25ECHOING ROAR
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Ooh!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Come, on Vic, come on, Vic. You can do it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Never mind that, what the hell is this brew?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Oh, that's Bosh's Pump Me Up energy drink, Beef. Drives you mental,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I wouldn't have any. Luckily I don't need it because I'm pretty trim,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43especially down below. You can try it out if you want, give it a feel.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Oh, yes.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Oh, that is quite firm. - Thank you.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- I'd be very, very proud of that. - Yes, I am, thanks very much.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt this beautiful moment,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59but I didn't know I was in Brokeback Mountain.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Well, at least now I know why they call you Beef.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Way-hay! Ha...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Ha. Ha, ha, ha!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Ha, ha, ha...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12HE RETCHES
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Smashing, lovely, gorgeous.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16HE ROARS
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Vic! Hello!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20DISTORTED VOICE: Where's the rat?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22There! It's gone there!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25You daft bastard!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Oh, I hope Vic gets that wig for the award show.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Awards, you say?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I won some awards for some films I made in Africa.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, yeah? What sort of films were they?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Well, they were action, action and thrills,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41all made under the blistering African sun.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Hey, would I know any of them?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Yes, I think you would. But would you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I mean, I don't know, maybe,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I'm not your biographer. How the hell should I know?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52All right, what were they called?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Well, there was Casabonker.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Morocco Cocko, where I played Colonel Hippobottomus.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Hold on a minute, did you just say you were in Casablanca
0:18:05 > 0:18:06with Humphrey Bogart?
0:18:06 > 0:18:11No, I said Casabonko with Humphrey Blow Hard and Lauren Back Scuttle.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Maple syrup?- Yes, please.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Not my 'minge' vase!- Afraid so!
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Ahhhhhhh!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Friends! Friends. Young Christopher and Benji,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30friends for ever until Benji died!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32BONK!
0:18:32 > 0:18:33There we are.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Oh, my God! It's horrible!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I know I am but what are you?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43JULIE GASPS
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yeah, that's enough, thanks, Beef.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46That's enough, thanks, Beef.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- Beef, that's enough! - Yeah, I don't know how to stop it.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Help me! Help me!
0:18:52 > 0:18:57It lives again, I can see it! It can only be destroyed with fire.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00DISTORTED VOICE: Friends.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Sea monster!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Friends.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Ridge dweller.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Friends.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Professor Lightbulb.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08JULIE SHRIEKS
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Home.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13These are not the droids that you're looking for.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Oh, come on, let's just get the prats.- Oh, what fun.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Right.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Let's find out who you really are, Professor Lightbulb,
0:19:34 > 0:19:35or should I say...
0:19:37 > 0:19:38..Vic?!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41So, Vic was Professor Lightbulb the whole time?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Yes, and I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that caretaker.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, Vic, is it really you?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48CAMERA CLICKS
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, yes, it's him all right!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Right, I need to find that toupee and that rat thing.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Everyone into the kitchen, please.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Right, what do you know about this awful, slow, thieving rat thing?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08I need to know its whereabouts, I need to know its acquaintances,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I even want to know how, when and why it shits.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Come on. Vic?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Sir, it's got your wig.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Yeah, that's a good one. Julie?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Could it be a tiny camel?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23We'll put that on the back burner, Julie.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Vic.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Sir, criminals often return to the scene of the crime.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Have you checked to see if it's on your head?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I like the way you're thinking. No, not there.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Sir, have you cordoned off the area?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Yeah, have you combed the area for clues?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, I see.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40All right, Erik. Always a pleasure. What do you want?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Just came down to get my curly cheese puffs.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45You did get them for me?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47No, he got straight ones.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Nobody eats straight ones these days, do they?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Father, you know your problem?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- What?- You're the type of scum who goes to buy a Curly Wurly
0:20:56 > 0:20:58and comes back with a Straight Wurly.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Wahey!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- You're a tough cop, Vic. - Yeah, thanks.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- You're going to crack this case, aren't you?- Wide open.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09I've got a good feeling about you.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12All right, all right, all right, all right.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Come on, you've had your fun.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Beef, hit me with something.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18When I was in Morocco,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I employed a house boy
0:21:20 > 0:21:23that used to catch rats in his arse cheeks.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Thank you for that, Beef.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Come on, Vic. What do rats like this actually do with their time?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I'm sorry, sir. I just don't know. I feel like I've let you down.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I'm just going to go and have some All Bran.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39No, hang on, I've got to interrupt there. Shit, no.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42When I said, "Catch rats in his arse cheeks",
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I meant, "Crack walnuts".
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Thank you for clearing that up, Beef.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Bosh, you've been very quiet.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03What are you talking about, man?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I haven't shut up for the last half hour.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- You haven't said a word. - Yeah, I know, you twat.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- So, come on? The rat. - That rat has been here nicking stuff
0:22:11 > 0:22:14since my dad moved into this place in the 1970s.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Here, Stan!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20There's a new clippy started working down at the depot.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Cor, what a dolly bird!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26I wouldn't mind taking her up the Balls Pond Road.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I know! I seen her dumplings in the canteen this morning.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Hey, you should set the booby trap for her.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Get out of it, you pilchard!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'm free!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42So, six months banged up for playing Dutch hopscotch
0:22:42 > 0:22:44with a one-eyed sailor from Swansea.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Well, nobody told me the rules!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49- Ooh! - HE COUGHS
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Is there something wrong with you?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Yes, I've caught a dose of something foreign from a Turkish pipe fitter.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Ha! You can't trust them.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Here, there's that rat thing again. It's got hold of your maracas.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Ooh!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07But, Bosh, how do we find the rat?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Bosh takes moment to think.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I've got it!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You need to find the rat.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh, this is useless.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He keeps going on about some Moroccan boy
0:23:19 > 0:23:22that cracks walnuts in his arse cheeks,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24she thinks it's a tiny camel,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26you've got nought on your mind but All Bran.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29It's useless. How are we going to find this rat?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32And I bet, I bet one of you has had a kak in one of these cupboards.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37All of you, all of you. Come on, what are we going to do?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Sir, sir!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41When I was under the influence of the pump-up juice,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45I saw the rat via the gift of thermal imagery.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47What? Do you mean you could see its underpants?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49No, I could see it,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53but just as a moving portion of hot meat.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Do you know what? I think Vic's cracked it.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58So, do I get the ticket, sir?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Yeah, I get the wig, you get a ticket.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02All we need to do...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06..is get under the influence of the pump-me-up juice, yeah?
0:24:06 > 0:24:11And then we can use the gift of thermal imagery to locate the rat.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13That's right, get some of that down you.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Let's go and find a stinking rat. - Yeah!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17THEY GROAN
0:24:17 > 0:24:19THEIR VOICES BECOME DEEP / DEMONIC
0:24:19 > 0:24:21That silly sod!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Argh!- What a nitwit!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Africa.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Oh, Saucy Jack!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29The little twerp!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32There it is. Get him!
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Ah!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Ah!
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Ah!
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Ah!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00There it is! Get it!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Where is it?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- NORMAL VOICE:- Hold on, stop! My wig! Stop it! Get up.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13My wig, it's ruined! Look at it, it's ruined.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Thank you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Beef?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, that's it, then. No wig awards for me.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40I haven't got a toupee. It's ruined.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Oh, it's OK, Bob.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Come on, I can mend it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Did I tell you I did all of the hair and make up for the Vietnam war?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Yes, both sides. I wasn't particular.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"More rouge, Khmer Rouge?", I used to say,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57and laughter would echo through the tunnels.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Shut up, just get out. Go on. All of you, get out.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Once again, all me dreams are shattered. Go on, out you go.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- There's another bit. - I don't want it, get out.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Go on! Out!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Right, well...
0:26:15 > 0:26:19..there's no fancy award ceremony for me, then.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I wonder who will win now I'm not going.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Rod Stewart, I suppose.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Maybe Zoe Ball.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40God, she doesn't half look like her dad when she takes her wig off.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Still, it's not going to be me.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Bob! Don't do it!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- I think we've got a solution. - Really?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00And the nominations are...
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Ron Caramel,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Nick Nolte,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Andrew Castle,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Bob Mortimer.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14And it gives me great pleasure to announce that the
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Wig Wearer of the Year award goes to...
0:27:23 > 0:27:24..Mr Bob Mortimer!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38God.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Oh, didn't we have a lovely day?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# The day I lost my toupee
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- # Let's fill our cups - With this pump-up stuff
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# And dance around this Michael Buble... #
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Ha! Let's do this!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05THEY HUM TUNE
0:28:08 > 0:28:12THEY HUM TUNE
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Thank you!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Thank you!