0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Today's the day of my birthday
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Can't wait to get my present.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# If Vic's forgot, I'll have him shot
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# By a gang of filthy Mexican peasants #
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Yes!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29There he goes, ascending the stairs - Look! -
0:00:29 > 0:00:32with some sense of urgency. Right, do you remember the plan?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Yeah. We grab him, we cut his head off,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36put him in a bag and then shove him in the reservoir.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38No, no, we dropped that plan.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Oh, no, I remember. We pin him down, we plant a rosebush up his arse
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and feed him phostrogen till it blooms.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45No, no, that was just me blowing off steam.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Think "birthday". - It's his birthday.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Yeah, and...?- You've organised a surprise party for him.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Yeah, and he mustn't know about it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55And there's a surprised woman coming.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Well, no, there's not a "surprised" woman.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Bob'll be surprised when he finds out who the woman is.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Who is it?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It's Erik's mum, Erika. She's coming over from Norway.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Ah, does Bob still fancy her then?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, I dunno, I never really thought to ask.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Anyway, look, here he comes descending the stairs
0:01:11 > 0:01:15with a much more relaxed look on his face.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Pretend you've forgotten his birthday.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Ta-da! Two, three, four!
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- What?- I'll tell you what, I'll run that tableau past you once more, OK?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Ta-da! Two, three, four!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- You all right?- Do you actually know what day it is today?
0:01:32 > 0:01:37- Day of the Jackal, Day the Earth Stood Still - I dunno.- Darren Day!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39No, it's my birthday... two, three four, whoa!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Oh, yeah, no, we agreed to forget about that a minute ago.- Yeah.- What?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Oh, well maybe it's a good thing actually,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47when I think back to what happened last year!
0:01:52 > 0:01:57# Come on, baby and one, two, three... Give blood! #
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Yeah, so if you're forgetting me birthday,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I suppose you haven't got me a present, have you?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Not even the tricycle that I kept dropping hints about?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Don't laugh at my tricycle.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Father, I have remembered it's your birthday and have a present for you.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Ah, he's got me one. Thank you, Erik.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14No, no touching.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Here it is.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Wow, it's massive!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well, go on, open it then.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21OK. I wonder what it is.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23A missile, something like that?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25It's your coffin.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32..ha ha, and so on.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Yeah, and so on. No, I like it, it's nice.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I mean, it's the thought that counts, Erik.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Yes, and my thought was you've been shot.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42With the Uzi - phrrrrrrrrrrrr...phrrrrrrr...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44..shushuk...oooooooooh - buph!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- MIMICS:- "Oh, oh, I can't see. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"I didn't know it would end like this."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56No, I understand the thought that you've had there, Erik.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Well, no, I mean, at least you got me a present.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I thought that Vic might've woke me up this morning and given me one, you know?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, that's disgusting!
0:03:04 > 0:03:05ERIK "RETCHES" DRAMATICALLY
0:03:05 > 0:03:07No, oh, Erik.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Urrrggh!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Right, you two. You're not going to ruin me birthday!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It's not going to happen.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I've baked my own cake, I've bought a present for myself
0:03:16 > 0:03:19and I'm going to open it in peace here in the kitchen.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Go on, out you go. Go on. Go on.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23WHISTLES AND SHOOS
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Right, where did I hide that present?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Go away, cock face! Get in your coffin and die.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43ERIK "LAUGHS"
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Erik, Erik, it's not your dad. It's me, Vic.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Oh, hey, Vic. - Hi.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- You look great, man. - Thanks.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Do you want to come in and bounce around for a bit?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Maybe shoot the shit?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Ooh, well, not really, no thanks, Erik, not today.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I don't really want to shoot any shits.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I just came to tell you
0:04:01 > 0:04:03that your mam's coming over from Norway for Bob's birthday.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- The trawler woman? - Yeah.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07That's a terrible idea.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08She's even worse than him.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12If she asks about me, just tell her that I'm dead.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Oh, come on, she can't be as bad as all that.- Can't she?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16ERIK WHIMPERS
0:04:16 > 0:04:18VIC WHIMPERS
0:04:18 > 0:04:20You don't know her, do you?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Right, where did I hide that present?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# Come, birthday, birthday #
0:04:27 > 0:04:29There's my cake out,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32now warmer... warmer...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Red hot! - CRACKLING BLAZE
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I remember...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yes!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Oh! Golden cymbals.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Protect me ear.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Birthday boy!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00CRASHING DIN
0:05:11 > 0:05:14MOURNFUL VIOLIN MUSIC
0:05:37 > 0:05:40WASTE DISPOSAL GRINDS
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Nice coffin, that.- Yeah, he'll look nice in that, won't he?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Is Erik Bob's only child?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Yeah. Oh, no! There was another one,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50but he was one of them Benjamin Button types.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51He's, like, born fully grown,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55then four days later he just disappeared down the plughole.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Some people say he's still there,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59all tangled up...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01with the hairballs and the Vosene.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Is this a lie? - Yeah.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Go on, tell us about Erik's mam then.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Well... it was in Norway.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- It was in the '90s. - Nice and hot then.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15That was the decade - the '90s.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It was a cold, dark winter's night.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23THUNDERCLAPS
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Bob was driving around Norway in a covered carriage
0:06:26 > 0:06:29displaying a creature that he'd captured in the Congo.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31He pulled up at the side of the road
0:06:31 > 0:06:34to let the creature out for a piss.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37He drove it out using his special whip.
0:06:37 > 0:06:44THUNDERCLAPS
0:06:44 > 0:06:47The creature came out of the covered carriage
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and was startled by the brightness of the harvest moon.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Nyuuuurrrrhhhhh...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56..it cried.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And he whipped it again with his special whip.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Shut up!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Shout yer mouth, will you?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05He tethered the creature to a really strong nail,
0:07:05 > 0:07:10then Bob sat down to have his evening meal of a mint Aero,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13and as the first bubble hit his palate,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17he heard the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in his life.
0:07:17 > 0:07:25# Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhh...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Yes?- Is this a lie?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Yeah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33He was just driving around selling air conditioning units.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Here he comes now walking towards us
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- with a look on his face that doesn't suggest love.- Huh.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41All right? I was just telling Bosh about how you met Erik's mother.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Erik's mum? Oh, don't mention her. Especially not on me birthday.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46She's a psychopath!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50She had this boathook that she used to attack me with.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54What are you laughing at? It ain't funny!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- What? I don't...- It's quite funny.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00And I remember once, she made me dress up in an elephant costume,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03balance a pork pie on the end of me trunk,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and parade around in front of all the other trawlermen in the market.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09MANLY GUFFAWING
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I sometimes think, you know, if she ever tracked me down -
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I'd just get ahead of it and just like slit me throat...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19sllllttt...sssshhhh!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Or take out me gastric band, you know...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23oourrfff - bing!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Boing...boing...- Boinnnng.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29# I had a dream
0:08:29 > 0:08:31# I was a machine
0:08:31 > 0:08:34# 30 years in the future
0:08:34 > 0:08:36# I hovered a bit
0:08:36 > 0:08:38# Occasionally shit...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41# ..nuts and bolts and metal sulta...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45# ..naaaaaaas! #
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- All right, Beef? - Somebody ill?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52No, Erik got it for me. Hey, I like your watch!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53It's a spray watch.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I got it off a gypsy lover of mine.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57- Must be special.- It is.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59If you press this button, it's weedkiller.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01That button - antihistamine.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02HE SNIFFS NOISILY
0:09:02 > 0:09:05No, sorry, THAT button antihistamine, that one weedkiller.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Beef... Do you know it's me birthday today?- I do.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- I have a present for you. - Present for me!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- Yeah, what is it?- It's an advert I made in Africa in 1972.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Would you like to watch it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21What, a VHS of you poncing around in Africa in 1972?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22No, I don't, actually.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- I'll have a look.- I want to see it. - Oh, go on, then.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Put it on.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Here it comes.- Right, you lot, I'm going up to have me birthday bath.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Keep it quiet, yeah?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- When did you film this? - '72.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I say, I'm going upstairs to have me birthday bath.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Keep it nice and quiet, yeah?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44There it is, look...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48CHEESY MUSIC
0:09:48 > 0:09:52What the hell is that washing-up liquid you're using, darling?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Just a cheap one I got on special offer.- You idiot!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58That won't shift that ground-in mutton.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Use this, you stupid cow.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Lord Shiftits scouring pad gets to the heart of the mutton.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- I know, darling. I'm intolerable. - Yes, you are. Don't be a moron!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Use Lord Shiftits scouring pads.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20It gets...
0:10:23 > 0:10:24That was brilliant.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- How much did you get paid for doing that?- Not a penny.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- I was paid in lambada lessons. Ooh! And mescaline.- Oh, nice.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33The party starts in half an hour.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36You go off and get your clobber on, and don't forget the booze.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yeah, but what about the food?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- There's a pig upstairs in the bathroom.- Is there?- Yeah.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43But promise me this. When you're done with it, can I ride it?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Yeah, I'll have it all saddled up and ready for you when you come back.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Oh, God!- Excuse me, what is that in the bath?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Right, I'm off.- It's a pig.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Yes, but what's it doing in me bath? - How should I know what it's doing?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- I'm not psychic.- Oh! It's my pig. What about it, you twat?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- No, no, it's- all right. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Forget about the pig.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Forget about it. All right.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'll make sure you get the best birthday bath
0:11:10 > 0:11:13a man could ever wish for.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- So how's it going then, son? - It's great.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- It might be me best birthday bath ever. Thank you.- Thank you, yeah.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Is the water all right, warm enough? - Yeah, I reckon. Try yourself.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31HE LAUGHS
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- A-diddle-iddle-iddle. - Ooh, cheeky!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Hey, how about some nice aromatherapy oil?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38- Oh, yeah, go on.- Yeah?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- For me birthday? - Here we are, look. Yeah, look here.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Mmm, that's nice, isn't it? Ooh.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Oh, you can tell it's expensive stuff, Vic.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Yeah, I got it in the Town Centre. - Ooh, Town Centre?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51It will have cost a fortune.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Yeah, not like that cheap stuff you get on the outskirts.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59- No, this feels good. - And some aromatic bay leaves, eh?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Ooh, put 'em in. I hope they don't make me too sentimental.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- A-diddle-iddle-iddle.- Hey! You are cheeky today!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I'm really enjoying it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, that'll be Julie. Look, you enjoy your lovely birthday soak.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- Thanks, Vic, thank you.- Go on, birthday boy. Here have an apple.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Cheers. Looking after me. Mmm.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Hello.- Hello, Julie.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Oh, I see you've got a pig in the pot. How delish!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Yes, now, Julie, what can I do for you?- Well now, Vic.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I don't know whether this is a very good time, but you see,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- I've got something to tell you. - Mmm?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- I'm pregnant.- Ooh.- And it's yours.- No, I don't think so.- Yes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46- No, no.- Yes.- No, no, no, no, no. - Yes.- No, it isn't. It isn't. It can't be.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Silly Billy Bremner, of course I'm not pregnant. Look!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51HE FORCES LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56No, I'm not ready for that sort of commitment.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57- I don't want him.- Ooh!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Be careful, hold him properly! You'll break his bloody neck!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- This is Erika, Bob's ex.- Where is he?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Look. Julie, we've got a bit of a problem.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- I'll explain everything round at your house.- Right, good.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- Come on, Erika, we're going to get some booze for baby.- Peace at last.
0:13:17 > 0:13:23- Ah, it's good. Ah, yes. - Right, where is he?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Right, well, first of all, hello, Erika. Lovely to meet you.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Bob's told me all about, you know,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30how you used to be the love of his life.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Where is he?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And how he liked to dress up like an elephant
0:13:34 > 0:13:36and parade around in front of you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, this is getting hot.
0:13:43 > 0:13:49Vic! Vic, I can't turn it off! Vic! Erik! Erik!
0:13:49 > 0:13:55Vic! Vic! I'm swelling up here! Vic! Vic!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Look now, Erika, I know you've come a long way from Norway,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00but there's been a bit of a change of plan.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Oh, a change of plan, what fun.- Hmm. Something's happened.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Something's definitely happened. - Well, spit it out.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07It's not as if he's dead, is it?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Yes, that's it...he's dead, Bob's dead!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Dead?! How dare he? I'll kill him. That was my job.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22He's dead, dead, dead. He's dead.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:30How did he die...so young-ish?
0:14:31 > 0:14:37Oh, God! Oh, God, he's dead!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I can't believe...excuse me a minute.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42HE TRUMPS
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Dead! Dead! Dead!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48It was awful.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It was terrible.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51- Vic? Vic?- Yes?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Vic, you need to pull yourself together.- I can't.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Come on there, that's better, isn't it?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- That's woken you up. - Thank you, Julie.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02OK, that's all right. Now calm down.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Look, Julie, listen.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Bob's not really dead. Look, we're just pretending.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08WHISPERS
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Ooh! Oh, that's very clever.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16It's gripped me. I'm poaching. Vic, oh!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- So, you say he's dead?- Yes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26This all seems very, very convenient,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30so, tell me, how did he die exactly?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- It was a Saturday... - Mmm-hmm?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36..it was all The Saturdays. It was all of 'em, the bitches.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40GUN SHOTS
0:15:47 > 0:15:49EXPLOSIONS
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I would very much like to see his cadaver
0:15:58 > 0:16:00and put my pfan-nig on his eye.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- I beg your pardon? You want to put what on his eye?- Pfennig.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07It's a German coin to give safe passage to the afterlife.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Where does he lay?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12He's next door...in his coffin.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16In his coffin, and he'll be ready for viewing in about ten minutes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Ah-ha, yeah.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24So you poor woman, you must be very, very, very, very, very, very
0:16:24 > 0:16:26upset about Bob's death?
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Very!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- I wanted to do it myself.- Aaah!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Ooh, there's a metal turtle in the kitchen, Bob!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Where's the turtle spray? - It's me, you moron.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I've swollen up and got trapped in the vice-like grip of this tub.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Right, hang on.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Ah, shit, a metal turtle!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Hold on, I'll get the spray. - Bosh, it's all right, it's Bob.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54He's swollen up and bloated and trapped inside this galvanised tub.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Can you do something please? I've got a bay leaf stuck in me crack.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00There's a bailiff in his arse?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03You need to lift me up and shake me out. Come on.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06We need to lift him up and shake him out. Quick, all of us.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Lift him up and shake him out.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12BANGING
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Arh!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14We need a run-up, come on.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Come on.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Arrgh!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Ooh!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31BOTH: Scuttle, scuttle, scamper, scamper, up the wall he goes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Over the arch, where will he rest? Nobody really knows.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Quick, get the thunder bottle, he's starting to metamorphosise.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40CHOKING NOISES
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- GUN SHOT - Ah! Hey!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Yay!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Terraced housing! Thank you, lads.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52No problem at all, you twat.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- I nearly metamorphosised then. - Yeah, I know. It was really good.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Thanks, though.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Bob, I've done something terrible.- Really?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I've invited Erik's mum over and she's here.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08You've done what? She'll kill me, Vic, you undiluted arsehole!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Oh, come on, I'm not an arsehole.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I mean, would an arsehole be able to do this?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18I guess not.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20But it's all right, I told her you were dead.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Yeah, well I will be if she sees me.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24She hasn't got that boathook with her, has she?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Well look, Bob. We can pull this off.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31You get into that coffin that Erik gave you, pretend to be dead.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33When she comes round and has a look,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35she'll think you're dead and clear off
0:18:35 > 0:18:36and be out of your life forever,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38it's the best scenario that could happen.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Do you know, I like it. Let's do it.- Yeah!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Right, away, son, into the coffin,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45there you go, you've done this before.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Right, now then, I've gotta warn you, when she comes round,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50she wants to put her pfan-nig on your eye.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51- She wants to put what on me eye? - Pfennig.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- It's a German coin for good luck or something.- Oh, right.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Right, what's going on?- Bob's dead.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58OK. Do you want a cup of tea?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02No, hold on, if Bob's dead, can I have his room?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- No, you can't, Bosh.- Ow!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Behave yourself, will you? I'm just pretending to be dead.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I'm just pretending to be dead, yeah?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Erik's mum's coming round,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18and if she finds me here alive she'll kill me anyway. Now behave!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Look, here they are now.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:19:22 > 0:19:28Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you and good night.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Oh, hello.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Bosh, this is Erik's mam, Erika.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Good day, you twat.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:41So, ladies, if you'd like to gather around, here's the lad,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and as you can see, he's as dead as a doughnut.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46She's killed him.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48SPITS
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Oh, sweetheart...my old shipmate.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02You poor, poor, poor man. What a shame.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06You poor, poor, poor, POOR, POOR man.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Goodbye and good riddance.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Hm-mm, well, thank you, Erika for those kind words.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Now I think it's probably appropriate for us to tell
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and share some our favourite memories of Bob. Bosh?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22No, there's nothing.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25There must be something... something he said or did.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27No, there's nothing like that at all.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Julie?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Erm...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33No.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Nothing?- No, nothing.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36What about you, Vic?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Well, I do remember him once saying he wanted to do a forward roll
0:20:39 > 0:20:41but he never got around to it...
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Oh, I've remembered something.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I remember this morning he said he was going to have a bath.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Typical Bob. Typical Bob, always saying he's going to have a bath.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- It's just like Bob. - Lovely memories.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Right, well, Erika, I expect you've got a submarine to catch,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56so you'd better get ahead of the traffic.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Goodbye, off you go. Come on. - Here's the booze.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02What's this nonsense?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Bob's dead.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07What, of a...s-stroke?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:15No! Dead? But he was only having a bath this...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17what am I going to do without him?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Bob! My life's not worth living. Who the hell are you? You're beautiful.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25The most beautiful woman I've seen outside of Africa.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- You want to make love and drink some booze?- No, Beef.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Erika's got a submarine to catch. - I'm not in a rush.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Let's have a proper trawlerman's sendoff. Give me that bottle.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Ooh, yes!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Erika, you don't want to miss the tide.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Father...I'm sorry I always treated you so badly.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51It was just my way of showing how much I loved you.
0:21:56 > 0:22:02He's gone, he's gone. I will learn how to face it. He's gone.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I'd pay the devil to replace him.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He's gone.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07What went wrong?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Bye-bye, father. I'm going to miss you.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16SOBS
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Urgh!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# 15 Nails in a dead man's chest.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# Yo-ho, the bastard's dead.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31# And push him overboard and feed him to the fish.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Yo-ho, the bastard's dead. #
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Hooray!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Just get rid of her.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Bob, Bob, oh, it's a brilliant party in there. She's hilarious.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Look, look, I've brought you a bit of the icing from your birthday cake.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's a B. Might be for Bob or birthday, I don't know.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Yeah, or "bastard" like in your little song.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Yeah, it might be. - Get rid of her.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Oh, do you know what? It's a bit boring out here.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I've gotta get back to the party if you don't mind.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- I don't want to miss anything. - Just get rid.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# Did you hear the tale of the terrible man?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# The terrible, terrible, terrible man.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# He wiped his arse with a frying pan.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Terrible, terrible, terrible man. #
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Yes! Yes!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Hey Erika, Erika, tell us another one of your filthy jokes
0:23:13 > 0:23:15about the Norwegian police force.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Ah well, in a minute.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yay, ooh!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Just going for a wee. - Now I'm interested.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I know you're alive...
0:23:25 > 0:23:29..and I'll be back in a minute...to finish you off.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Ha, ha, ha.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Aah! Whoa!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47What's the f's happened here, like?
0:23:47 > 0:23:48She's fallen down the f-ing stairs.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Did you push her? - No, she fell down the f-ing stairs.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Did you shoot her?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Look Vic, I don't care how far you lean over,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59she fell down the f-ing stairs.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01What the hell's happened here?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02She fell down the f-ing stairs.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Whoa, vampire, zombie.- Oof!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Will you calm down?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I was just pretending to be dead so that she wouldn't kill me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Did you bludgeon her? Mmm?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- No, she fell down the f-ing stairs. - Mmm?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Now look, I don't care how far you all lean over,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'm telling you the truth.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23All right, stand aside, I'm a paraplegic...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:27..I'll check for a pulse.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Beef, mate, I'm not sure that's the traditional way of checking for a pulse.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You might want to try the neck, mate?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38All right. Stand aside.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Back you go. Further still.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42That's sufficient.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46I shall administer the kiss of life.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Mmm...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Mmmm.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Mmm, Christ. Yes, please, mmm.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Mmm, just what I want.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Mmm, mmm, oh, God, mmm, mmm, mmm.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08She'd dead.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:11How do reckon we should get rid of her?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Let's chop her up and stick her behind a sports centre.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Why don't we dry her out and smoke her?- Yes.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I can take her back to my place. She's still warm.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Martin? What do you think?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"Phone the relevant authorities and tell them everything?"
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Oh, where's the fun in that, Martin, you coconut?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Look...seriously.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34She's a trawler woman,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37we should give her the sendoff that she deserves.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42KETTLE'S WHISTLE SOUNDS LIKE A BOSUN'S WHISTLE
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Thank you, Bosh. Right, so that was me birthday then, yeah?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52No presents, apart from the coffin that Erik got me.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56No party, apart from the one you lot had when I was dead.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59And I bet one of you had a cack in the microwave, didn't you,
0:25:59 > 0:26:00whilst you did it?
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Yeah, thought so.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Yeah, go on, get out I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday on me own. Get out.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07THEY MUMBLE AND GRUMBLE
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Go on, Bosh.- Yeah, all right.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday
0:26:14 > 0:26:17watching Hugh Laurie play the character, House.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Hi, Hugh.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Hugh, I bet you get brilliant birthdays, don't you?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Yeah, I bet your mates dress in Caribbean outfits
0:26:33 > 0:26:36and reggae music, table tennis.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Probably get a tricycle as well I imagine, eh Hugh? Probably.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# Did you hear the tale of a terrible man?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# Terrible, terrible, terrible man
0:26:44 > 0:26:46# Wiped his arse on a frying pan #
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, I've had enough of this!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Terrible, terrible, terrible man #
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# Terrible, terrible, terrible...#
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Right, you pack of bast...!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Vic? Julie?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00ALL: SURPRISE!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Way! Whoo! You twat!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05A tricycle! Yes! But where's Vic?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It's my favourite character, Reggae Ron, the school worker.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13SINGS REGGAE SONG
0:27:23 > 0:27:27This has been my best birthday ever!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Didn't we have a lovely day
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# A death, a birth and a burial
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# So what happens next?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37# Let's do a jig
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# And present and Bob with his birthday wig. #
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- What do you think?- Not bad.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- Racist.- Futuristic.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47SINGING
0:27:48 > 0:27:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE