0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Today's the day that I locate the ghost that's haunting this flat
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# It won't take long with me extendable prong
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# As I poke it into nooks and crannies
0:00:28 > 0:00:29# Will you look at that tit
0:00:29 > 0:00:30# He thinks he's it
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# With his probe he bought from the pound store
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# It's just a can of Tile Well
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# With a fish slice for an aerial. #
0:00:40 > 0:00:42So, Vic, there's your le... WHOOPEE CUSHION PARPS
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Ooh!- Ooh, excuse me. - There's your leg o' lamb.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Thank you, well I'll have to eat it quick because the lads will be round
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- very shortly for the ghost hunt.- Oh the ghost hunt, that's today, is it?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Yes.- Yeah? What makes you think there's a ghost in this flat, Vic?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Well, one, ectoplasm in the toilet.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Yeah, no, that's just your night toffee, Vic, innit?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Two, ghostly moanings in the middle of the night.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Ooh, what do they sound like?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Just like a...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oo-hoo! Whoooooo!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- BOSH COUGHS - Whoooooo!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- All right, Bosh, you leaving today? - What do you think?- No?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Correct, you twat.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Have a word.- And three, Bob, and you can't deny this.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25- Go on, then.- This flat is built above an ancient Indian burial ground.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27No, no, no, Vic,
0:01:27 > 0:01:32it's above an Asian-Indian balti house.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Very different. Very different concepts altogether.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Well, there is a ghost down here
0:01:36 > 0:01:38and tonight I'm going to prove it anyway.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40All right, then, what do you think of me dish?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It's very nice, talk me through it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Well, as I say, it's a leg o' lamb, it's not a lamb made of Lego.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49No, the dish is...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52The dish is formally known as lamb tuxedo,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55as you can see by the bow tie there, yeah?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Yeah, what about the scissors?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh, the scissors, that's just an English twist on the chopstick.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Yeah.- Thought you'd like that.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's nice, yeah. Where'd you get the idea?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07The idea? I got it from an episode of Come Dine With Me.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08From Preston?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Well, they're all from Preston, aren't they?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, they seem to be, yeah. I think I saw this one.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Is this the one where there was like a middle-aged pole-dancing woman
0:02:16 > 0:02:18whose boobs were spilling out all over the table?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20All over the table, yeah.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25And she offered the other guests a mouth organ wrapped in bacon.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31I mean, what sort of idiot would present a mouth organ as food
0:02:31 > 0:02:33unless they're a complete moron?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35HE COUGHS AND PLAYS THE MOUTH ORGAN
0:02:35 > 0:02:37You all right, what's the matter?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Get it out!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40You got a mouth organ in your mouth?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43MOUTH ORGAN SOUNDS
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Well, take it out.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47MOUTH ORGAN SOUNDS: Can't, it's stuck.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I know.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I'll use the miracle of suction, that usually works with most things.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56THEY LISTEN TO A JOLLY TUNE
0:03:13 > 0:03:18So, Vic, can you fill me in on this ghost scenario, what it's all about?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Yes, of course, well, I read about it
0:03:20 > 0:03:22in my copy of Ghost Hunter Monthly.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Oh, wow. How often do you get that magazine?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- It's monthly. - Oh, yes, it says monthly, yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Anyway, so... Oh, look, here's the advert here.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36It says, this month's competition, blah blah blah,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40fantastic prizes, your chance to win, blah blah blah blah, erm...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- blah blah blah. - HONKS HORN
0:03:42 > 0:03:46All entrants must provide a genuine photograph of a real living ghost
0:03:46 > 0:03:47- blah blah blah... - HONKS HORN
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Blah blah blah blah,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52and the competition closes
0:03:52 > 0:03:53- tomorrow morning. - Vic, give me the horn.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Blah Blah blah blah blah. - Vic, give me the horn.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- I'm not giving you the horn. - You are giving me the horn.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- All right, Erik.- All right. - Well, hey, Vic.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Yeah.- I love the cool honking, can I borrow the hooter?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Yeah, go ahead.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- HONKS HORN - That's good stuff.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Ah!
0:04:15 > 0:04:16And can I bring it to my room maybe?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Yeah, go on take it, you can borrow it, yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Hey, Erik, would you like me to do some cool honking?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22I'm pretty good at it.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- MOCKING:- "Oh, Erik, would you like me to do some cool honking?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"I'm pretty good at it!"
0:04:28 > 0:04:29He's got you down there, hasn't he?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I don't speak like that, do I?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"Oh, I don't speak like that, do I?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"Oh, this is how I talk, is it not?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- That's you.- Is it?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It is you!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Oh, about the ghost hunt, though... - Yeah.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Are there any prizes? You said something about prizes.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Oh, yeah, the prizes...
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Third prize is, erm... Well, look, a day out with Andy Barker.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Who's Andy Barker?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I dunno, maybe Sue Barker's husband?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Yeah, or maybe Roy Barker's son? - Who's Roy Barker?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I dunno, I thought he might be Sue Barker's husband.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Second prize, ooh, you'll like this, this is right up your street.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Go on, hit me. Go on. - Look, a job in a loudspeaker shop.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Ohh! Cor, I would like that. - I know you would.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Can you not tick that box?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- No, because the first prize is what I want.- What?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16A chimp.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- A chimp?- A chimp at my beck and call. Get in!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Vic, you're not having a chimp in this house,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33it's full of morons already.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# I'm an exorcist with my crucifix
0:05:38 > 0:05:42# And my rosary made of mung beans
0:05:42 > 0:05:44# With my metal detector
0:05:44 > 0:05:46# I'll find the spectre
0:05:46 > 0:05:48# Cos mostly ghosts
0:05:48 > 0:05:56# Wear iron waistco-o-o-o-o-oats. #
0:05:56 > 0:05:58All right there, Beef, I like your hat.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Yes, it's made from the melted windscreens of 17 Range Rovers.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Let's catch a ghost and win ourselves a chimp.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Ghosts, pitiful wraiths trapped in suspense
0:06:11 > 0:06:14amongst hoards of half-dead jezebels,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17clutching newspapers with wooden tits
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and cigarettes in the other hand.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I've no idea what I'm talking about.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- You lost your track, yeah? - I did, I'm afraid, yes.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Well, Beef, what's that in your belt there?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30This is my Sword of Draxos, would you like to see it in action?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I'd love to, yeah.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37It's not, it's a clarinet.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47CLARINET MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:49 > 0:06:53So how exactly do you two intend to catch this ghost?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Well, I was rather thinking we might use Vic's rather splendid
0:06:57 > 0:06:59quantum transducer detector.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Do you want to have a look at it? Shall I show you?- Yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I've been looking forward to it all day.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Great, yeah, course I can.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Right, well, so when a ghost is in the area,
0:07:09 > 0:07:14this lights up here and what's this canister here, I hear you ask.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, what's that canister there, I ask?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Right, good, well this canister here contains, erm...
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- Something funny, is it? - No.- No, not at all, no, I'm...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26It's a really impressive.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Well, this canister here contains a mixture of talcum pooder
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- and plasma. - Sorry, what was that? Tang vorder?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It was just talcum powder, but I bought it in Dundee,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40so I call it talcum pooder.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Anyway, so it's filled with talcum pooder and plasma...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46What's with the snakes there?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Well, it's the armbands.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Look, is there something funny about this?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53No, I-I, think it's a great...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Cos if there is, you two can more or less F off.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Ooh!- No, carry on, Vic, it's fascinating.- Yeah?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- It's quite a bit of kit that, innit? - Yeah.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Right, so anyway, when a ghost ends up in a nook or a cranny,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I puff a bit of that into it, the ghost breathes it in...
0:08:09 > 0:08:10HE COUGHS
0:08:10 > 0:08:14..comes out for a breath of fresh air, and I take a photograph of it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Then...
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Then, using this thing here, I waft it to the custard tin.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Why a custard tin? - That's a very good question.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Yeah, will you be answering it?- No.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I waft it into the custard tin, then I take it over to the sink,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34turn the tap on, tip it down the plug,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37put the plug in, and there we are,
0:08:37 > 0:08:41hey, presto, the problem's out of my hands, over to you Mr Dyno-Rod,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I've secured the photograph of the ghost
0:08:44 > 0:08:47and the chimp is an inevitanbility.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48- A what?- What is it?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50And inevitanbil... An inevitanbility,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53an indevatabil... It's a certainty.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54It's a certainty.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Well, Vic, you know, now you've talked me through the machine,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I've got to say, I reckon this house is going to remain chimp-free.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06All right, lads, what scene is being played out here?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08And have we won that chimp yet?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Cos I've got a job I need it to do for me.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Look, kids, I hope you have a really pleasant night
0:09:12 > 0:09:16hunting for your ghost, yeah, but let me make it perfectly clear,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I am not having a chimp living in this house, no way, end of.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Come on, lads, I've got a Ouija board set up in here.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Vic, did you hear what I just said?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I heard what you said, Bob, I took it all on board
0:09:26 > 0:09:27and I've dismissed it.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Come on, lads, we've got to take a photograph of a ghost
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- and win us ourselves a chimp!- Woo!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Right, lads, when we conjure up the spirit,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- who's going to take the photograph of it?- Me.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42- Right.- That's my job. - There's a camera.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Thank you.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Take your cap off.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Lens cap.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I'm not wearing Len's cap, I'm not wearing anyone's cap.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- The cap on the camera. - Oh, I knew that.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Turn it round.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- No, you idiot. - Oh, right, I'm an idiot, am I?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Well, would an idiot be able to do this?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22That's impressive, yeah, I take it back.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Put the camera on.- Thank you.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Hang on, I want a slice of this action.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Lads, lads, come on, come on.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Do you want to win a chimp?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49BOTH: Yes!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Right, well, come on, let's seance.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53BOTH: Ance.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Right.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Is anybody there?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Oooh!
0:11:07 > 0:11:13Are you a Victorian whore with a 19th century price list?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17In heaven, do you get Homes Under The Hammer?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Are you are a carrot? - Do you get Dickinson's Real Deal?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Look, it's not 20 bloody questions, you pair of idiots.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Oh, an idiot, you say? That's really rather interesting.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Would an idiot be able to do this?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Erik?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41ERIK HONKS HORN
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Hi, Erik. Wow, cool.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Yeah, they're having they're having...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47They're having a seance down... ERIK HONKS HORN
0:11:47 > 0:11:50They're having a seance downstairs, and I wondered if I could just...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52ERIK HONKS HORN I wondered if I could...
0:11:52 > 0:11:53If I could come in and... ERIK HONKS HORN
0:11:53 > 0:11:55..watch your television? ERIK HONKS HORN
0:11:55 > 0:11:56You have to say it faster.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58They're having a seance downstairs and I wondered
0:11:58 > 0:12:00if I could pop in and watch your television?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Is that a no then?- Yes.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03ERIK HONKS HORN
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I know him, he's a liar.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13He's not even dead, that's a hoax.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- All right, mate, are you with them lot?- Eh? Shut up.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No, I'm a ghost they summoned up.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Yeah, righto, mate, look, they're through there.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Who is? I'm not with them, I am a ghost, look.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Oohhhh!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Ooohh!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- That means you're a ghost, does it? - Yes.- Yeah, me too then.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Yeahhh ohhhh!
0:12:38 > 0:12:39- Honestly.- How about this, then?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Ohh...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- What's all that? - Light, look at the light.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Yeah, you're just turning it on and off.- No, I'm not!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Yes, you are, well, do it from there then.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48And I should do that for you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I've got a brilliant mind, look at this. Automatic writing.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53L...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Oh, don't write on me staircase, mate, I'll never get it off.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58What's the matter with you? It's water based -
0:12:58 > 0:12:59- that'll come off with a wet wipe. - Yeah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00You heard this, lads?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I've got a fella here, he's got a water-based emulsion
0:13:03 > 0:13:06on a high-traffic area. Yeah, no the stairwell.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08He's not got a what? You're joking, where?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12He hasn't either. You ain't got a mat on your threshold.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14That's one of the most vulnerable areas in the entire property!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17They're killing themselves laughing with you up there.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yeah, well, can you tell them I am thinking about getting one...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Hang on a minute, old timer, I've got more, have a look at this.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Well, it's a bit of magic, is it? - No, it's supernatural.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26- Oh, righty-oh.- Look at everything.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Well, I can't look at EVERYTHING. - Yeah, well...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Just look at as much as you can.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Well, that's reasonable, yeah, all right, here I am.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38THUNDER RUMBLES
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Three, two, one, powerball!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Oh, missed!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Was that the finale, mate? - No, I've got one more.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Oh, no, no... - Three, two, one, powerball!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Bob, do you mind?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59We're trying to summon up spirits in here.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's not me, it's that bloke over there.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- What bloke? - The bloke by the bookcase.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There's no-one there. Now, look,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09if you're going to practise your looking up at the ceiling,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12can you do it a bit more quietly, please? Thank you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13BONES CRUNCH
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Ah, urgh.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Vic couldn't see you, so you are a ghost?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yeah, I told you, they summoned me up.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Oh, the wankers!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25This is the last day I need a frickin' ghost in the house.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- No offence, like.- None taken.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Honestly, you see the thing is, if THEY get a photograph of a ghost,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34right, there's a possibility I might have a chimp living in the house.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Ohh. - God, could things get any worse?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Well, I think they're about to.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41# I've just popped in to borrow something
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# Maybe a pack of sultanas
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# It's just a ruse, a teeny excuse
0:14:46 > 0:14:49# To shine a torch on Vic's banana. #
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Hiya, Julie.- Hiya, Bob, how are you? Where's Vic?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59He's just through there. Hey, Julie, can you see that bloke over there?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Yeah, hi, Martin.- Hello, Julie.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Martin?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- What, you're Martin? - Oh, so the penny finally drops.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Hi, guys, what's this, a game of truth or dare?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- What are you doing, Julie? - I'm giving you a One Direction.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Look, we're in the middle of something really important
0:15:20 > 0:15:23as you can see.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25THEY MOAN
0:15:26 > 0:15:28So, it would be good for me, mate,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30if you could perhaps just nick off, you know?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Yeah, I can see your problem.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I'll nick off in a minute, but first of all, could I have a quick chat?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I've not had a proper man chat since I died,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38so what's your favourite, shovel or spade?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40To be honest, I don't know the difference.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh, my God, we've got another one here, lads. Shovel is for
0:15:42 > 0:15:45shovelling, spade is for digging. What's your favourite estuary?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Estuary, I don't know, The Thames? - Thames?!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Severn! Severn estuary, it's a pip,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Thames estuary hasn't got a tidal bore, has it?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Listen to yourself. You ask me a question now.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55OK, erm... Where do you actually live?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Oh, terrible question, awful banter.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59All right, I'll try and answer it.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I'm in that er, in-between place, you know,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05that halfway house twixt Heaven and Hell, oh, what's it called?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Oh, Travelodge? - Not a fucking Travelodge.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Not a Travelodge, Limbo. You don't use Travelodges, do you?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Yeah, sometimes, yeah. - You're joking, aren't you?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- You can go in a Road Chef, 29 quid! - All right, forget I mentioned it.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Don't worry about them lot seeing me.- Yeah?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I can only be seen by animals, relatives,
0:16:19 > 0:16:20and people close to death.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23But I'm not a relative, yeah, I'm not an animal...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- What, are you saying I'm going to die?- I'm afraid so.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Oh, no, do you know how I die?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39All I can say is it's quick.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Well, that's something, innit? - It's not that quick.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49Oh! Ooh, hottie! Hot, hot! Hot, hot, hottie.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Julie, please, we are trying to summon up a phantom
0:16:53 > 0:16:56so we can take a photograph of it and win a chimp.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Just use Martin, you Silly Billy.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Martin, come through, meet the boys.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- Say cheese. - CAMERA BEEPS
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Oh, it's a good one.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13What I'm going to do is I'm going to print this out and file them
0:17:13 > 0:17:15in the miniature town hall where I keep these things,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- and I'm going to print out that copy of Martin for you.- Whatever.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22OK. Martin, look at our lovely selfie.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- I'm going to just print out a copy for Vic.- Lovely.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Ta-ta!- See you.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, God, she's got a photo.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Oh, yeah, that impacts on you, don't it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Chimp-wise, yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Hey, lads, look, the quantum particle detector's lit up.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39That means that there's a spectre in the parish.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Come on, daft lad, help us out. - All right.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Get the probe on. Yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45What's with the snakes, like?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's the armbands, what's the matter with you?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Right, come on.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Ooh, can't wait for this.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Yeah, you sshhh.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- VIC:- Woooh!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Woooh!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Wooooh!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Woooh!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Woooh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Oh, there, there, there! A ghost, look.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07That's not a ghost, you clown, it's a hard-boiled egg.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10But what the probe has done
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- is located the ghost of an unborn chicken.- Oh, yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20Yeah? So can I now confirm that no-one has a downer on the probe?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- No.- Eh? Bob?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24No, that's a nice bit of kit, Vic, well done.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I tell you what, Vic, I've got a feeling, I've got a good
0:18:27 > 0:18:30feeling about this area here, it's got really cold really suddenly.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I think it might be worth checking here with your probe.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Yeah, I can do that.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Nice one.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Woooh!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Woooh! Woooh!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Woooooh!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You can cordon this area off... Brrr!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- ..as a no-ghost area.- Right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That is a good unit that, Vic, whatever anyone says,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50that's a neat probe, well done.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Thank you, do you hear that, lads? Right, let's carry on.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You see the snakes?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Well, they're armbands, aren't they?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01VIC CONTINUES MAKING NOISES
0:19:01 > 0:19:04NOISES GET LOUDER
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It's gone berserk, it must be in here, this is the nest.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Well, go on then. - You get in there.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I'm not going in there, I'm Billy Elliot.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Get in there now.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Go on.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I'll need light.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Whoa!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Whoa, there's a ghost in there.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24- What's it look like?- A proper twat.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Get in and take a picture of it. Three, two, one...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Ooh!- Ah, it's horrible!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- It's evil. - Ooh, it looks like Gary Barlow.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, I know what that is, it's not a ghost, lads.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Come on - out the way.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- No, don't go in there, don't go in. - Don't do it, Bob, you twat.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, it's all right, I know exactly what it is.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Here, look.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- You see?- I feel a proper Charlie.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54Yeah, it's just items that have fallen in a particular manner
0:19:54 > 0:19:56so as to resemble Gary Barlow.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Is he at a concert, or perhaps judging someone or something?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Simple as that, lads, that's all it is, it's not a ghost.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05All right, now listen, I don't want to shift focus,
0:20:05 > 0:20:11or undermine your quantum probe, but I actually bought one myself.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Ooh.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Didn't know this.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Oh-ho! Oh, Beef, look at the finish on that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Wow, did you make that in the workshop?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- That's no concern of yours. - Wow, what does it do, Beef?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Want to see what it does? - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Ooooh!
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Ooh, did you see that, Vic?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Well, that's what I call a probe, Vic.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36All right, well, I tell you what,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38we'll forget about my probe, shall we?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- There.- Oooh.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Can I just have a look at that?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Ooh.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Ooh.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Look at that.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Ooh!- How's this conflict going to resolve itself?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Yeah, who's going to make the next play?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Let's find out. Watch!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Whoa!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Poltergeist!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Watch out!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16CLOCK CHIMES AND CUCKOOS
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Wow, what just happened then?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24In the light of what just happened then,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27let's pull our pants up really nice and high and tight
0:21:27 > 0:21:29and go and check out this manifestation in here.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- What do you think about that? - What I think is, I'll tell you
0:21:33 > 0:21:36what I think - can you stop trying to give yourself away, please?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Yeah, all right, never mind that,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- which one of them blokes are you going with?- Eh? What? None of them.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Come on, course you are. Which one's your boyfriend?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Long-haired one?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47If I had to choose one, yeah, the long-haired one I suppose.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Yeah, all right. Let me go and ask him for you.- No, please don't.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- And why not? - No, you just behave, will you?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Martin? When am I going to die, Martin? The photo...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Photo!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Right, I'll regress one of you
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- and see if you can find the ghost on your travels, who'll it be?- Me.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08What is it?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I'll take you back in time to a previous life.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Go on, get on with it.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Are you ready?- Yeah.- Waaaaah!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Who are you, where are you, and what is your rank?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I am at the battle of Marston Moor,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25my name is Edward Longbottom,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28don't, I've heard them all before, I get it all the time.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Not as bad as my boss, General Dick Dangles, his life's a misery.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Anyway, the other day I'm walking through the marsh with Dick
0:22:35 > 0:22:37and I tread in some dog dirt, and he says to me
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"If you tread that into the tent, I shall hit the roof."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Shut him up, he's boring the tits off me.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I am Bonor, son of Bollock, husband of Tittybus,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52guardian of the parish pub.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Spare me this Lord of the Rings shit, no offence, Vic.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Hi, Julie.- Hello, Bob, what a lovely surprise, isn't it though?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Isn't it though? Hey, look, is Martin about?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It's just he told me earlier that I was going to die
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and I just wanted to see if he was telling the truth.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Sorry about that, mate, just bullshit.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Oh, well that's a relief, Julie, innit?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18All round, that is a relief.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Julie, the photograph there, do you see, of Martin and yourself...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Yeah.- Could I have a look at that, please?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Yeah, but first I want to ask you a little question.- Yeah, go on.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Do you notice anything different about me?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Um, no, I don't think so.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Perhaps if I present you with my silhouette.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36No, nothing, nothing at all.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I had my bum plumped up, you know, like the black girls do,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41with a little shelf.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Oh, right, oh I see, yeah.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Yeah, I got it done at WH Smith at the bum department.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Yeah. They don't have a bum department, Julie.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51It's actually a fully functioning shelf. Just stick something on.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53OK, well, I tell you what, I'll dress it for you.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Do me up. Dress it for me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Yeah.- Make me look pretty. What have you chosen?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Not the bonsai?- Yeah.- You're crazy!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02But you said you wanted it pretty.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Are you ready, is it on? - Yeah.- Is it good to go?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07It's good to go, go.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Check it out.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Wow.- Check it out.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13It's an actual working shelf, Julie.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Goodbye, handbag.- Yeah.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- I'm really happy with it. - I'm really pleased for you.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Look, Julie, you know that photograph?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Vic has asked me if I can come and fetch it for him,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25so could I take it, please?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yes, but only if you do one thing for me in return.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Ooh, ouch, yeah, what is it?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, what I want you to do is pull up beside me,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35wind your window down and ask me for directions.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36What, like so I'm driving a car, yeah?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Like you're in a car.- OK, here goes.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Vrrrr-oooom.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42OK, I'm waiting for the bus.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Hey, excuse me now, I can see you're busy,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48but could you give me directions to the library, please?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I'm so sorry, I'm not from round here.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Ha, ha, ha!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Oh, it gets them every time.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Go on, take the picture. - I can take the picture?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Yeah, you can take it. - Thanks, Julie.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Thank you.- OK, bye, Bob!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- See you, Julie.- Oh, tosser.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Look, you've regressed him too far, you fool. Cro-Magnon man.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17What is laminate wood flooring?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Ugh, woman!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22No, no, no I'm just a tobacconist.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Me want woman.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Strike him before he gets wind of our backsides.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Ah, bloody hell.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Well? Did it work?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38No, it didn't work.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39No ghost...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- No photo.- No chimp.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- All right, lads?- Twat.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47What's the matter with you lot?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50What's the matter? I'll tell you what's the matter.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54We had a dream, a dream to own a chimp at our beck and call,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56and now that dream's in tatters.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01And like Icarus, we tried to fly too high to kiss the moon.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I mean come on, lads, life goes on, you know?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07No, life doesn't go on, life without a chimp's no life for me,
0:26:07 > 0:26:08I wish I was dead.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Me too.- Me too.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15All right. Hey, Vic, here, I've got something for you, there you are.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18- Aaaaah!- Ahhh!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's a picture of a ghost, we will get that chimp.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Bob, you big, beautiful bastard!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Bob, I always thought you were a major league asshole.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35But you're not, you're a real stand-up guy.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Here it is, folks, it's the letter from Ghost Hunter magazine.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I think you all know what this is.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- You ready?- Yeah.- Yes.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Thank you for entering our recent photo competition.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57- Come on.- So, yeah, all right!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00We are pleased to inform you that your photograph of the ghost,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Martin Cooper, has won...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03THEY CHEER Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
0:27:05 > 0:27:09..third prize, a day out with Andy Barker.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10KNOCK AT DOOR
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Come in!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Hi, I'm Andy Barker, and this is my bicycle,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17and I'm going to blow your minds!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Who the hell are you? Sue Barker's husband?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24No, I'm Linda Barker's brother.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30Hang on. Yeah, I'm just going to have to use your toilet, sorry.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33What a shit prize, why didn't we get the chimp?
0:27:33 > 0:27:34I don't know.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Right, there's no easy way in saying this, is there going to be lots
0:27:37 > 0:27:40and lots and lots of toilet paper?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- Just use the curtain.- Curtain.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Oh, people, get him a bog roll, come on.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46No, this is why we need a chimp.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Yeah. Hang on a minute, got an idea.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Take man toilet paper, you savage brute.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58What is toilet paper?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Find me an African woman.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01What is the...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03HE MUMBLES
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Yeah, and go and get me some strawberries.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Strawberries I know.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09And while you're at it,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I've got a Barnaby Rudge that needs buffing, you monstrosity.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Oooh!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Didn't we have a lovely day
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# The day we created an ape slave
0:28:20 > 0:28:21# So what happens next?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# We get on our knees
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# And worship this full fat Turkish cheese... #
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Ooh!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33THEY HUM
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Thank you.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45APPLAUSE