0:00:02 > 0:00:04- No way, you and Mark finally broke up?- Yeah, last week.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Well, now you're single, you can have some fun.- I've already started!
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- You little minx! - Come on who was it? Was he fit?
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Kind of, yeah.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17He's about five-eleven, good teeth, slightly wonky eyes, thin hair.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20He sounds vile. How drunk were you?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I was pretty pissed, actually.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I just recall waking up in his weird house
0:00:25 > 0:00:28and meeting his freaky friends.
0:00:28 > 0:00:34This programme contains adult behaviour and some strong language
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Morning. Can I get you some breakfast?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Argh!- No, I won't suck you off, Louis Walsh!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42What's going on?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43There's a strange man in your room.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48No, he's all right. He's just here to take our breakfast order, eh, Eddie?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49That's right, Don.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Plus, I just gave him a quick bed bath.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54He does tend to get a bit pongy after intercourse.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55- Argh!- Argh!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56'And if that wasn't bad enough,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59'I was getting out of his shower when suddenly...'
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Argh!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02All right?
0:01:02 > 0:01:07The toilet's blocked. Dickhead won't pay to get it fixed.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh, get me out of here.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11'And then the strangest thing...'
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Oh.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18Ah, let me guess, you slept with Don, woke up to find an overgrown baby sat on the edge of the bed
0:01:18 > 0:01:21offering you some breakfast and then met an old lady who looks surprisingly similar to Gollum,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23probably doing something incredibly vile?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Urgh.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28SHE GIGGLES
0:01:34 > 0:01:38No doubt she'll be ringing me up soon, requesting another session with the quim ninja.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Erm, she didn't look like a returner, to me.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Wait...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- Has there ever been a returner? - Oh, you're so evil, Samantha.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Oh, poor Donald.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52If it's any consolation, I think I'm just as bad with relationships as you are.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Right, I'm going to go for a bath, before uni.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Is the hot water back on, Eddie? - Oh, you betsy. Fixed the boiler last night.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Must tackle the loo next.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Eddie, what have I told you about coming into my bedroom when I've got a chicklet in there?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Try to wash you very, very quietly?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Exactly.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There is a massive shit in the bathtub!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Gollum went poo-poo!
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Ah, Christmas.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The time for the sharing and giving.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Families together.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And, of course, Santa.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, two Santas...
0:02:53 > 0:02:54..beating the crap out of each other.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Yep, that's me.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You probably want to know what's going on.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Let me take you back a few weeks, to the beginning of December.
0:03:03 > 0:03:10Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Guess what I've just got a job as?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Erm...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Elvis impersonator?- No.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- A lap dancer?- God, no.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- Roller skating waitress in a 1950s themed restaurant?- That's a good one!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28No! I'm the local community centre's new Santa Claus.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31No, I don't see it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34What happened to Greg Pitcher? He's been doing Santa for years.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- Oh no, poor Mr Pitcher can't do it this year.- How come?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I can't remember. I think he's got a cold or something.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Oh no, that's it! He was caught having sexual intercourse with a child.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Hang on, what about Gollum?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I thought you were meant to be looking after her.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh no, that's the great thing, I get to bring her along.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02All right?
0:04:02 > 0:04:07The kids adore her!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Argh! It's a massive rat!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17- They give her all kind of pet names. - Eddie I'm hungry, make me dinner.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Now, Dot, that's not really the way to ask, now is it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Oh, BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEPing BLEEP.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26I'm telling you, she is getting worse.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I have never met an old person like her.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- You know, the other day she asked me if I used a vibrator.- Eugh!
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Do you?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- That is not the point. - What is the point?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- She asked if she could borrow it.- Oh!
0:04:41 > 0:04:41- And did she?- Oh you!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46'I'm still crazy about Sam.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49'I'm starting to think I've missed my opportunity.'
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I don't know what's wrong with me. I use to be so confident.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55But with Sam, I'm just nervous she's going to knock me back.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56What do you think?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I think they're too small, can I try the size 9s?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Certainly, sir.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05'I started working in a shoe shop about a month ago.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09'The art galley closed down, so I had to get a proper job. And it sucks.'
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Urgh! You couldn't just have worn some socks?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17But I hate wearing foot shoes. I like to let my toes breathe.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21'I hate everything about this job, especially my boss.'
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Don.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Can I have a word, please?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27'Oh no, Jason's not my boss, not any more, anyway.'
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Do you want to grab some lunch? - Oh, yes, please.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Hello, where do you think you're going, Pops?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34'This is my boss.'
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Oh, lunch.- It's 12.59.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Yeah, lunch is at one.- It's not one, though, is it? It's 12.59.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I think someone's overdue to know the difference.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Right.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Off you scoot.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54And I'd try avoiding the carbs.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I know what people your age are like for napping in the afternoon.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Why do you keep calling me old? We're practically the same age.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I don't think so, Gramps. I'm 24, what are you, 40?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I'm 29!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Ha!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- All right I'm 30...something.- Yeah.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20'Jason also got a job in the shopping centre. He is the manager of a posh supermarket.'
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I miss the art gallery.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24We used to have such a laugh, didn't we?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Don, you were the bane of my life.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Oh, thanks, Jace!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31'I never would have predicted it, but we've become good friends.'
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Where are you going to be this Christmas?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Just at home on my own, I guess. - That's depressing.- Yeah.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Do you always spend it alone? - No, not always.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Merry Christmas, Mr Homeless Man.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Merry Christmas, Don.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Ooh, somebody's had too much!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53No, no turkey this year, but I've got a lovely big ham.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'm afraid you are just for Christmas.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- So you still not made a move on Sam yet?- No.- Why?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Her and Brian broke up ages ago.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, we're getting on really well at the moment.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I don't want to balls it up...again.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I'm waiting for the right moment.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13A little advice - don't dilly-dally too long. Sam's a beautiful woman.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Someone else will get in there if you don't hurry up.
0:07:15 > 0:07:22'So, life was pretty shit - 30-something, single, terrible job and I live with this.'
0:07:22 > 0:07:26This cup of tea tastes of BLEEPing BLEEP!
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Dorothy Treacher, if you continue acting like a child, I shall put you across my knee.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Oh BLEEP this BLEEP, I'm going for a bath.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35What the hell?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Eddie, don't you think it's time we put Treacher in a home?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40No, you can't do that, they're awful.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Hey, you're insulting one of the places Eddie works, Missy.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Sorry, Eddie.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48No, that's all right, I agree with you. That's why I mainly do home visits.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52It upsets me to see the elderly being thrown out by their families, like they're being tossed in a bin.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Come on, Eddie, she's getting out of hand.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59- Try and get her in an old people's bin.- Don!- Sorry.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Try and get her in an old people's bin, please.- That's better.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- There's no hot water.- Oh, not again. I've only just fixed the boiler.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- How am I meant to have a bath? - I'm sorry, Dot, you will have to...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, dear God!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Dorothy, put some clothes on immediately.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Why? Too arousing for you?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23BLEEP.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I can't believe I just saw Gollum's ning-ning.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I can't believe she's got a Brazilian!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I think it might be time to get rid of the old boiler.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's what I have been saying, she's nuts in the mind.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36What? No, I'm talking about the boiler - the pressure vessel for heating water.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41- Oh, right.- Yeah, come on, landlord, step up to your responsibilities.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Excuse me, but do you know how much a boiler costs these days?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45No, how much?
0:08:45 > 0:08:50No I'm asking, do you know how much? Because I've already got to fork out for the toilet,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53the roof's leaking, the whole place is falling apart and I'm skint.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I'm telling you, I'm going to need a miracle.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- What's that?- This morning's post.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, will you please put some clothes on?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It's like a large pale raisin's walking about the place.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh God. I think it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13How can you tell?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18- Well, it says it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.- Oh.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Great just what I need. More bad news about the house.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27John Bon Jesus!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- What is it?- Is it bad?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34It says I'm up-to-date on all payments and if I so wish, I can sell the house.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Woo-hoo!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I'm rich!
0:09:41 > 0:09:46I'm stinking filthy rich. Woo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50See you later, you rotting, falling apart, pathetic excuse of a house.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I'm off. I'm out of here. Woo-hoo!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# Baby, you're a rich man
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# Baby you're a rich man
0:09:57 > 0:10:02# Baby, you're a rich man, too!
0:10:02 > 0:10:07# Be a rich man, baby You're a rich man, baby... #
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- What?- Enjoying yourself?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12You're not really going to sell, are you, Don?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15No, you're right, Eddie, what was I thinking?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Why would I want to make thousands of pounds,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19when I could just stay here and live in this shithole?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Congratulations, Don, I'm really happy for you.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28This is it, Eddie. Next year's going to be my year, I can feel it.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Getting rid of the dead wood - the house, Treacher...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34This bit of dead wood.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Right, remember to speak to the old people's home, yeah?
0:10:38 > 0:10:43# Baby, you're a rich man Baby, you're a rich man. #
0:10:43 > 0:10:47We are pretty full now, but there is a space coming up on Christmas Eve for Dorothy.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Not normally a great time for people.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54No. No, that's great. Thank you, Belinda.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Hey, don't be so down, she'll be fine here.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Oh no, I'm fine, honestly.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03'But I wasn't fine, I felt like I was losing everyone.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07'Darn it, Eddie, you forgot the first rule of caring -
0:11:07 > 0:11:11'never get too close to them - and, boy, did I get too close.'
0:11:11 > 0:11:15SILENCE
0:11:15 > 0:11:16What are you doing?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17SILENCE
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, am I doing the mouth thing again?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Sorry, that's just a bad habit I picked up from my friend, Don.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30'While Eddie was sorting out Treacher's new home, I went to see a property developer.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33'My solicitors told me it would be more profitable
0:11:33 > 0:11:34'than if I just sold it through an estate agent.'
0:11:34 > 0:11:39SILENCE
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Eh, you do realise you're just mouthing words, right?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Oh, sorry, yeah I do that sometimes. I find it hard to think and speak at the same time.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Right.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54So let me tell you exactly what we do here, Don.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55'Eddie wasn't too happy about this, though.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'He's worried about what they might do to the house.'
0:11:58 > 0:11:59He told me to be...
0:11:59 > 0:12:02easily won over by whatever they are going to offer you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Find out what they are going to do with it, first.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05It's a beautiful building.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Please don't forget that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Let me cut to the chase, Don. We're willing to pay twice what you'd get.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- I'm in, where do I sign? - What? Really?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17God, I'm good.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18That was easy.
0:12:18 > 0:12:24I mean, normally people get a bit put off when they hear we're knocking down their beautiful home
0:12:24 > 0:12:28and replacing it with an ugly-looking block of ugly-looking flats.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You are doing what now?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Nothing.
0:12:35 > 0:12:41So let's wrap this deal up ASAP and then we can get you that lovely large sum of money.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- How does that sound, Don? - Oh, yes, please.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47SILENCE
0:12:47 > 0:12:49You know you're doing it now?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Am I?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Shit.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Right, do you want the good news or the bad news first?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Always best to end on a positive. Let's have the bad news first.
0:12:59 > 0:13:07The good news is, on January 2, I'm going to have lots of gorgeous money entering my bank account.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Oh! And the bad news?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Well, the bad news is, they're grrldddtt the house.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Sorry? What?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17They're going to ock down the house.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18No, didn't catch that.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20They're going to ock down the house.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Don, for some reason I can't seem to understand what you're saying.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- They're going to knock down the house!- Oh, Don.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29It turns out Costner was wrong all along.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It is, "If you knock it down, they will come."
0:13:31 > 0:13:33You BLEEPing idiot.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Look, it's my house, OK?- She's talking to the telly, Don, not you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40It's Deal Or No Deal, it always gets her in a tizzle.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Oh, yeah, look, he's saying no to a seven grand offer. Idiot!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Not him. The other one. There!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49That's Noel Edmonds, the presenter.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I know, look at him. BLEEPing idiot!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Don, seeing as Dorothy's going to be leaving us on Christmas Eve,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03what do you about us all going out for a farewell dinner tonight?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07I've heard about this fantastic new steak house, called Meat Freaks.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- You know, for people who are freaks for meat.- OK.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14'I could tell Sam was annoyed with me.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16'I thought I'd better smooth things over.'
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Do you hate me?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Of course I don't.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I just think you could have looked at other options first, but it's your house.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- They've offered me a lot of money. - I know and I am happy for you.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I guess I'm just sad to see the old place go. I'm going to miss it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Hey, Zeus! I never thought I'd say that!
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- You could move in with me to my next place.- What?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Yeah, why not, until you finish your last term?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47We wouldn't have to put up with the Krankies any more.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Oh, I'm going to be miss being part of the Addams Family.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Do you think that we'd get on, though? I mean, just the two of us?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Get IT on, more like.- Don!- What?
0:15:01 > 0:15:06- I thought you were being serious, then.- I was. I am. I'm sorry! Oh.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08'Smooth, eh?'
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Oh, that's won-tabulous! We'll see you at 2000 hours, then.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Toodle-pip!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19That's great. Table for five booked at Meat Freaks.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I'd better get you into some gladrags, Dorothy - excited?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Good. Thought you'd appreciate that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33'That night, we all went out for Treacher's farewell dinner.'
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Hi, we have a reservation?- Name?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Edward Janet Singh. - Ah, yes, follow me, sir.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Was she just wearing stockings?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53This is a strange restaurant.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Hi, guys, what can I get you?- Erm...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Steaks all round?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- I'm afraid we don't do food. - This is Meat Freaks, isn't it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Certainly is! What is it, are we not all freaky enough for you?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Hang on, do you mean meat freaks, as in,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- let's go and meet some freaks? - You've got it.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26We're the number one nightspot for celebrating the weird and wonderful.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31- You thought this was a steakhouse! - I'll let you decide on your ord-...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh! Where did you get the massive rat?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Freaky! (I like it!)
0:16:37 > 0:16:42I should have known, he's done this sort of thing before.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44The other week, it was Chicks With Dicks.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Surely that was obvious?- Turns out it was a nightclub where women
0:16:48 > 0:16:51are only allowed in with someone called Richard.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Hang on, you actually wanted it to be chicks with dicks?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Right, so I'm assuming we all want to go somewhere else, right?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Hang on a minute. I didn't say I wanted to go, did I?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- It is Dorothy's farewell.- OK.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Hey, what's the worst that could happen?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21UPBEAT TRUMPET WITH MUTE PLAYS
0:17:32 > 0:17:37It's weird, being in a club and not being hit on by any dickheads.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41It's a compliment. People come here to meet someone strange.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Exhibit A.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- You didn't come out hoping to meet someone, did you?- Of course not.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52But it's Christmas! It's a bit shit being single this time of year.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Anyway, I'm going to go for a Francis of Apee-pee.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Oh, and yes, Don, I would love another drink, thank you(!)
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Well? Surely now's your moment?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Really?- She's practically begging for a boyfriend.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- I didn't get that.- Are you an idiot?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11No, Jason, and it hurts my feelings you even asking.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16That's it, I give up. Clearly you don't like her as much as you say.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19You not pulled yet, Gollum?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I would have thought they'd love you!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25You may be surprised, but I prefer the conventional type.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- You know - handsome, debonaire. - That IS surprising.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And a massive cock.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Right, great.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Hey.- Hey.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- You all right?- Yeah, great.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Well, maybe not great. I'm dreading tomorrow, to be honest.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Why? It's Christmas Eve!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Yeah, and I'm spending it with my mum this year.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00I feel bad, but we just argue all the time,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02so I think, what's the point in going?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And she always gives me such a hard time about men.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I'm only 26 and she says I'm wasting my life by being single.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- That's ridiculous. - Isn't it?! Having said that,
0:19:13 > 0:19:18I do wish that I had someone to take with me, just to shut her up.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I think I know someone who might do that for you.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Really? Who?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Hey, what's everyone drinking? - Wow, you've perked up.- Yeah.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I don't feel so bad about going down to my mum's now.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Cool. - Yeah, Jason said he'd come with me.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- It's really sweet of him, isn't it?- Yeah. What?!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I can't believe you're trying to steal Sam from me.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46She's not yours to steal.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50How could you be so evule and hurtfule and spitefule?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- I warned you it would happen?- When? - I told you time and time again -
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- if you don't do it soon, someone else will.- You never said it would be you!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You should have read between the lines. Don.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I'm not clever enough to do that, Jason.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Look, I like Sam. A lot. I always have.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12So why have you never said anything, then?
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- Because I was being a friend to you. - A friend? A friend?! A friend?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19A friend, a friend.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22A friend? It sounds weird now, doesn't it? A friend.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Look, I backed off for ages.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I kept it to myself and it's been killing me.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31How long was I meant to wait? You're clearly never going to do anything.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33TOILET FLUSHES
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Oh, sorry, I thought this was the men's.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Yes, it is the men's.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44'So I spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46'I woke up feeling pretty rotten.'
0:20:57 > 0:20:59No. No, I can't have.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Oh fuck!- All right?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Listen, whatever happened last night stays between us.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Jon Bon Jesus, how drunk did you get me, woman?- What you talking about?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21This! Us! God, I can't even believe I'm saying "us".
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- I've lowered my standards before, but this is off the scale.- Eurgh!
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Don't be disgusting. As if I'd ever have you as a sex opponent.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You mean, we didn't... Course not.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Eddie put me in here a couple of hours ago,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37cos Gollum did poo-poo in bed.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Then who was I...?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Thank God. It was just a male midget.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53'I wasn't prepared to lose Sam.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57'I decided I needed to do something - and quickly.'
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Do you not want to say toodle-pip to Jason and Samantha?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- They just left.- Why would I want to say goodbye to Jason?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05He stabbed me in the back.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- What do you mean? - He's trying to steal Sam from me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I don't understand how he could be so evule.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13He's the first proper, normal friend I've ever had.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- What about me?- I said normal.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Sometimes I just get the feeling people don't care about me, Eddie.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26- Maybe it's something to do with the way you behave.- Go on.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I know that deep down you're a good person,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33but maybe if you were a bit nicer to people - a bit more likeable -
0:22:33 > 0:22:35then you'd be more popular.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Morning, Don!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- How was your date last night? - Not great.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I was sat there for almost an hour, thinking
0:22:47 > 0:22:49she must have gotten cold feet.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51ALL: Aah.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Turns out I was at the wrong place!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You see, we were meant to meet at Ricky's Diner,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01but I went to Mickey's Diner!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Donald, you are sweet.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10CHEERING
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Morning, Dorothy. - Good morning, lovely boy.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- Did you sleep well?- Actually, no.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I was up all night tossing and turning.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Same here. Well, more tossing than turning, if you know what I mean!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27SILENCE
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I am trying to be a better person, Eddie. Look,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- I'm writing a song for Samantha, for her Christmas present.- Lovely!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39I want to seduce her with my melodies.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I figure it's the only way I can genuinely express myself without messing it up.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Lovely!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Then, when she realises she should be with me,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Jason can go fuck himself, deep in his own asshole.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Oh, lovely(!)
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Could you drive me down to her mum's tonight, to drop it off?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I can't, Don. I'm meant to be dropping Dot off at the elderly centre later.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Please, Eddie.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03We'll just drive down, drop off the present
0:24:03 > 0:24:05and drive back before the old fogey home closes.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Please? Come on, when do I ever ask for anything from you?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11All right, silly question.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15All right, Don. If it helps you get the girl, then you can count on me.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Why do you keep...?- I don't know.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
0:24:21 > 0:24:27- # Everywhere you go.- #
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Merry Chrimble, Samantha!- Hello.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- You back home for the holly-bubs, are you?- Yeah.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- Jason, these are our neighbours - Anne and Derek Yeaman.- Hi.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- Yes, we are. High on life. - Poppets, come and say greetings.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Hello, do you remember me?- What's your name, little fella?- Billy.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- My name's Samantha.- Jason.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53No, Samantha.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00She is a beacon of light in a world of darkness.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02They chose her name because of me.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07And I pray every night that she grows up to look just like you.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, thanks.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Now, now, poppet, behave,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14otherwise Santa won't visit us tonight.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17(Highly unlikely.)
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Yes, Dalek has hired a Santa Claus to visit this evening.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Can't wait to see the little mites' faces.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Dalek?- It's just a silly nickname for Derek.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Exterminate! Exterminate!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hello! Mum?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40THEY WHISPER
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Yes, can I help?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- Merry Christmas. - I'm sorry, you are...?
0:25:46 > 0:25:51I mean, you resemble my daughter, but it's been so long
0:25:51 > 0:25:55since she visited, I barely remember what she looks like.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Mother, let's not cause a scene. We have company, see?
0:26:00 > 0:26:05- You didn't tell me you were bringing a boy.- Yes, this is Jason.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Jeanette Parker, nee Whittle. - Nice to meet you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:14- What do you do for a living?- Mum! - What? I'm getting to know the man.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I'm a manager of a shop.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh, so, what is it?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Is he great in the bedroom?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Mum!- Drink, Jason?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26It's two o'clock.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- No, it's Christmas. - Yeah, why not? I'll have a...
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You'll have what you're given.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- I warned you she can be a total nightmare.- No, she seems fine.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41< Jason?
0:26:41 > 0:26:47I'm assuming you'll probably want Malibu. Am I right?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- It stinks in here.- Sorry.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- That was you?- Don't know.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Happens without me knowing these days.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Smells like one of mine, though.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04What are we doing?
0:27:04 > 0:27:09We need to get some snacks. Dorothy, would you like a refrigerated scotch egg from the petrol shop?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Yeah, all right.- You're getting out?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You actually want people to know you're the driver of this thing?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Why? What's wrong with it?
0:27:20 > 0:27:25# Away in a manger... #
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Ah.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33Oh, the tree is beautiful, isn't she?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Look at me, I'm weeping like a small girl's blouse.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- I just love Christmas so much. - Oh, darling.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49Listen, why don't you pop yourself upstairs and have
0:27:49 > 0:27:51a nice, hot, creamy, bubble bath,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54before (you-know-who arrives)?
0:27:54 > 0:27:59Good idea, Booby. I'm a bit of a Sweaty Betty, aren't I?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Which one is it? - Not sure. It's one of these.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05OK, well, good luck.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Hmmm.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08What's up?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12It seems a shame to come all this way just to drop off a present.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Don, I told you, I have to get back to drop Dorothy off.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17No, no, no, it's fine. We won't stay.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21I just want to make a big entrance, win Sam's affections,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23emotionally seduce her.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25So when I leave, she's all like,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27"Oh, I miss Don, I wish he was still here."
0:28:27 > 0:28:30And then Jason can go fuck himself deep in his own asshole!
0:28:30 > 0:28:34I saw a man do that once on the internet.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Not as arousing as it sounds.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Yeah, I'm really going to miss you, Dobbo(!)
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Ooh, why don't you wear my Santa suit?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48No-one can resist Father Christmas. Works every time.
0:28:48 > 0:28:53Bon Jovi, Eddie, you might be on to something there. Clever balls.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57# Oh, come all ye faithful... #
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Mummy, look!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Oh!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Dalek! Dalek!
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Our guest has arrived.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11# To Be-ethlehem
0:29:11 > 0:29:15- # Come and behold him Born the King of Angels.- #
0:29:15 > 0:29:19I can't wait to see their faces when I bowl in dressed like this.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23What an entrance. Jesus, Eddie, these are massive.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25What size are you, you fatty, bum-bum?
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I like to be very method when I'm playing Santa, Don.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30I want it to be authentic.
0:29:30 > 0:29:35I suppose you could call my approach "Santaslavski"!
0:29:35 > 0:29:36HE CHUCKLES
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- Psst!- Over here.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45- That must be Sam's mum. Wish me luck.- Good luck.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47- Hey.- Hi?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- Are you Sam's mum?- Indeed, I am.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52She is going to be so excited to see you.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- Really? She mentions me? - She talks about nothing else.
0:29:55 > 0:30:00Oh, wow. I have to say, you're much younger than I imagined.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Stop that immediately, St Nicholas.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Come on.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08# Ding-dong merrily on high.. #
0:30:08 > 0:30:12- Look who I've just found. - Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas...
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- Every...body.- Santa!
0:30:15 > 0:30:20Oh, er...hello, children, have you been good this year?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22- I have, I have.- Yes, yes, yes.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26FARTING
0:30:29 > 0:30:30Did I do it again?
0:30:30 > 0:30:33SINGS HYMN LUSTILY
0:30:46 > 0:30:51- He's here.- Who's here? - The Santa you booked.- He said he wouldn't be here until 8.30?
0:30:51 > 0:30:55- Is it?- Is that your beard? - All right, chill your boots.
0:30:55 > 0:31:01- I love you, Santa.- That's a bit gay. - Where are our presents, Santa?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Yeah, we want our presents. - I don't have any presents.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Maybe she's upstairs.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09CHANTING: Presents, presents, presents, presents, presents...
0:31:09 > 0:31:13All right, shush your mouths. I'll give you a present.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17There you go. Now, shut up.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25What? Screwdriver.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Anyway, you're throwing me in the old biddies' bin on Monday.
0:31:29 > 0:31:36- My windy backside will be someone else's problem.- Strange.
0:31:43 > 0:31:49- Nights, holy night... Merry Christmas.- Who's...?
0:31:53 > 0:31:57- Keep quiet about this, yeah?- Who are you? And what are you doing here?
0:31:57 > 0:32:00I thought you knew. I'm here for Samantha.
0:32:00 > 0:32:06- Oh, Jesus, our Lord and saviour. - What do you want with her?- Well...
0:32:06 > 0:32:11- I'll be honest, I'm here to seduce her.- Why would you do that?
0:32:13 > 0:32:17- Well, cos she's sexy. - God, you are sick.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21I think you should leave, before we call the policeman.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25Whoa, no, wait, wait. I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28You see I'm fairly certain she feels the same way about me.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- We almost made love once.- Oh!
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- Please, come on.- Oh.
0:32:43 > 0:32:50# Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus... #
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Which one's Dickhead? I can't tell.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59Stop!
0:33:00 > 0:33:04I'm not sure, but I think he's the one being hit.
0:33:16 > 0:33:17Please.
0:33:19 > 0:33:20I'm sorry.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Maybe they didn't like his present.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28What's going on? Is everything all right?
0:33:28 > 0:33:33- A paedophile has intruded our home. - Hey, Sam.
0:33:33 > 0:33:37- Merry Christmas!- Don?
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Well, that went well.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Right, I've calmed the Yeamans' down,
0:33:49 > 0:33:51they're not going to call the police now.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54I should be the one calls them, after what that Santa did to me.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56That's what Greg Pitcher's victim said.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00You completely ruined their Christmas. You're such a fuckwit.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03I'm sorry. I was trying to do something nice for you.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Look, I've brought you your present, see?
0:34:07 > 0:34:08You could have just given this when I got back.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12But I wanted you to open it on Christmas Day.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16It's a...very personal present.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21Right. Well, thanks.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Merry Christmas?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Don, are you all right?
0:34:35 > 0:34:37It's probably time to hit the hay. Big day tomorrow.
0:34:37 > 0:34:43- Oh, you're probably right. Jamal, will you help me up?- It's Jason.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45It's what?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Ooh, haven't you got lovely, long fingers!
0:34:50 > 0:34:54I wonder what you get up to with those?
0:34:58 > 0:34:59Right, here you go.
0:34:59 > 0:35:05Oh, I thought...you know, we...
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- We might be sharing.- Oh!
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Um, Jason, I...
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Look, I really appreciate you coming here with me,
0:35:14 > 0:35:15but it was never like that.
0:35:15 > 0:35:20- I thought you knew. Sorry! - No, it's fine.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23I didn't have any plans this year, anyway, so, eh...
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- Cool.- Yeah.
0:35:27 > 0:35:32OK... All right. I'll see you in the morning. OK.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Not so fast, young man.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51If she's not interested,
0:35:51 > 0:35:55I certainly want to see what you can do with those fingers.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58# MUSIC: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Well, it's too late to drop Dot off now.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I just hope they don't mind us arriving on Christmas morning.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Ah, Dot, are you sure you should be drinking that now?
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Don't be such a poof!
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Eddie, I've been thinking.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25After she's moved out, there's no real reason for you to be here?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28I'd still like to come over and help out around the house.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- Nothing's changed there. - But I'm moving out soon.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33It's time I got used to doing things on my own -
0:36:33 > 0:36:35without you and Treacher.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37And...Sam.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42- But I...- I' ve already thought about this.- What if...- Sorry.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46- But I...- No.- Maybe...- I can't. - Don...- No.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48- What if...- I'm sorry. - Don...- Please.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- Don't.- Please... .- No. I can't... Stop this madness!
0:36:54 > 0:36:59Look, it's been great having you around, but I just think
0:36:59 > 0:37:03we all have to accept it's the end of an era.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04OK?
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Absolutely.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- What are you doing?- Come on.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- No, no, no.- Come on.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19Ow.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33What have I told you about hugging me?
0:37:33 > 0:37:37- If I ever do it again, you'll kick me the penis?- Yes.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41Now, if you don't mind, I'm feeling depressed and horny,
0:37:41 > 0:37:44so I'm going to go upstairs and masturcry.
0:37:44 > 0:37:45Goodnight.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52Masturcry? Mastur... Oh! Oh.
0:37:56 > 0:38:02'So on Christmas Day 2011, Eddie took Dorothy Treacher to her new home.'
0:38:02 > 0:38:05So, welcome to your new home, Dorothy.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Not very attractive, are they?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Oh, it's a companion you're after, is it?
0:38:11 > 0:38:15Companion, fuck-buddy, sex opponent - whatever you want to call it.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20- Could we just have a moment, please?- Of course.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26- Dot.- What?- What did I tell you about how to behave in this place?
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Behave as badly as possible?
0:38:30 > 0:38:35'Meanwhile, I was spending Christmas Day all on my lonesome.
0:38:35 > 0:38:40'At least next year, I'll have loads of money and a new bachelor pad.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43'# Tra la la la la, la la la la. #'
0:39:01 > 0:39:05So, hello, Samantha. Welcome to your Christmas present.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08I've never been very good at expressing myself,
0:39:08 > 0:39:12always seem to say the wrong thing, so I've decided to write you a song.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14I hope you like it.
0:39:19 > 0:39:25# Christmas time is for giving
0:39:26 > 0:39:32# And for living out your fantasies
0:39:34 > 0:39:39# So I would like to get naked
0:39:41 > 0:39:46# And by naked, I mean, emotionally
0:39:51 > 0:39:54# I want to tell you what's on my mind
0:39:54 > 0:39:58# I think about you every day and night
0:39:58 > 0:40:03# I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me
0:40:04 > 0:40:07# That's my fantasy
0:40:09 > 0:40:14# I know I've done some things that are stupid
0:40:18 > 0:40:22# But I hope that one day you will forgive me
0:40:25 > 0:40:29# I want to tell you what's on my mind
0:40:29 > 0:40:33# I think about you every day and night
0:40:33 > 0:40:37# I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me
0:40:39 > 0:40:43# That's my fantasy
0:40:43 > 0:40:46# You and me
0:40:46 > 0:40:49# That's my fantasy
0:40:49 > 0:40:52# Let's make this a bit more Christmassy, come on
0:40:52 > 0:41:00# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time
0:41:00 > 0:41:06# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time
0:41:08 > 0:41:13# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time
0:41:16 > 0:41:18# Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time. #
0:41:18 > 0:41:20What are you doing?
0:41:20 > 0:41:23I want to spend Christmas with Don.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25# Christmas time. #
0:41:25 > 0:41:26And mum?
0:41:26 > 0:41:30Please try and stop hating everyone all the time.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33# Christmas time
0:41:33 > 0:41:37I don't hate everyone, do I?
0:41:38 > 0:41:41# Christmas time
0:41:42 > 0:41:44# Christmas time
0:41:47 > 0:41:52# With you, me and you. #
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Is there any pudding, Eddie?
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Christmas isn't Christmas without Christmas pudding.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04I don't care, I want it now.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07You want Christmas pudding, don't you, Samantha?
0:42:07 > 0:42:13What's that, Gollum? You want to pull a cracker? Yeah, sure, OK.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Grab hold of it. I win. You're all right, aren't you?
0:42:16 > 0:42:18You haven't had a heart attack.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Oh, I suppose I've got to get that, have I?
0:42:23 > 0:42:25DOORBELL RINGS
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Is the doorbell actually ringing or is that part
0:42:27 > 0:42:30of this strangely vivid hallucination I'm having?
0:42:30 > 0:42:32DOORBELL RINGS
0:42:32 > 0:42:33All right, I'll get it.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Hey. What are you doing back?
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Surprise!
0:42:44 > 0:42:47'I couldn't believe it. Abby Jones, the girl I used to have
0:42:47 > 0:42:49'a big thing for, sitting in my living room again.
0:42:49 > 0:42:54'I hadn't seen her in over two years. We spent ages catching up.'
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Let me get this straight, you flew to New Zealand, met a guy,
0:42:57 > 0:43:01you came back, got married, flew back to New Zealand, got divorced
0:43:01 > 0:43:03and now you're back again.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05You make it sound like we were barely married.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09- How long were you together for? - Six months.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15- Yeah. All right.- Sorry.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19- So, I was hoping that there might be room at the inn.- Which inn?
0:43:20 > 0:43:25- Can I crash here for a few days? - Oh, right, yes. Of course you can.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29It's just until I get the courage to go home and face the music.
0:43:29 > 0:43:33You can stay as long as you like. You can have my bed if you want.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36- Don't be daft, I'm fine on the sofa. - Are you insane in the mind?
0:43:36 > 0:43:39It's freezing down here and we've only got one heater.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42I don't mind sharing, that will keep us warm.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46- Head to toe, like a sleepover? - Hmm, sleepover.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51- Don Danbury, you have not changed. - You mean I haven't aged?
0:43:51 > 0:43:54- Thank you very much. - I wasn't saying that.- Oi!
0:44:03 > 0:44:07I'm just going to go and check to see what state my room's in.
0:44:15 > 0:44:16Don!
0:44:16 > 0:44:21Oh. Sorry, I didn't know that Don had company.
0:44:21 > 0:44:22I'm Abby.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Abby. Yeah, right, Don's mentioned you.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Sorry, you are?
0:44:30 > 0:44:35- Sam, Don's...flatmate. - He didn't mention he had a flatmate.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37He didn't?
0:44:37 > 0:44:41No, of course he didn't. I mean, why would he?
0:44:42 > 0:44:45Abigail, are you coming up or what?
0:44:45 > 0:44:47It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.
0:45:10 > 0:45:14No, no, they're a bit tight. They're pinching me.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20- Can I have a word? - You can have two if you like.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22One of them's "off".
0:45:22 > 0:45:25- Don, I've come to apologise. - It's a bit late, innit?
0:45:25 > 0:45:29- Please, can we talk in private? - Lover's tiff?
0:45:35 > 0:45:38- Look, Don, I'm sorry, OK? - Are you? Are you sorry?
0:45:38 > 0:45:43- Are you actually sorry? - You know, I have feelings too.
0:45:43 > 0:45:44I've been besotted with Sam for ages.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47I've had to sit here and listen to you go on and on about it.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49How about you listen to how I feel?
0:45:49 > 0:45:55I listen. I'm a great listener. People call me "The Listener".
0:45:55 > 0:45:58Look, I thought about what I did to you and, yeah,
0:45:58 > 0:46:01I could have handled it better.
0:46:01 > 0:46:02I'm sorry.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04I'm actually quite ashamed.
0:46:05 > 0:46:09Look, if I'm being honest, I'm just a bit lonely, Don,
0:46:09 > 0:46:12and I just want to be... You think we could complete in two days?
0:46:12 > 0:46:17- Don!- I'll call you back. Sorry, what?
0:46:17 > 0:46:18Never mind.
0:46:18 > 0:46:22So, anyway, I hear Abby's back in town, right?
0:46:22 > 0:46:24- How did you hear about that? - Well, Sam told me.
0:46:24 > 0:46:28You've seen Sam? Where is she? She hasn't been to the house.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30Well, you're shacked up with Abby, aren't you?
0:46:30 > 0:46:33I'm not shacked up with Abby!
0:46:33 > 0:46:37- That's what Sam seems to think. - What? No! No!
0:46:37 > 0:46:40I don't get it. Why does she think you are, then?
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Oi, Abigail, are you coming up or what?
0:46:42 > 0:46:45It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.
0:46:47 > 0:46:51- Hey.- Hey.- You didn't tell me you had a gorgeous new flatmate!
0:46:51 > 0:46:54Oh, what, Sam? Yeah. She's been here a while now.
0:46:54 > 0:47:00- She seems really nice.- How would you know?- I just met her. Downstairs.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03Sam! Sam?
0:47:08 > 0:47:09Are you sure it was her?
0:47:09 > 0:47:13No, you're right, I must have imagined talking to her.
0:47:13 > 0:47:14I don't get it.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Don, what is going on?
0:47:16 > 0:47:19This may be the most grown-up thing I've ever said,
0:47:19 > 0:47:21but I don't think I can sleep with you tonight.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25- We were only sharing a bed.- Yeah, but it might have led to something.
0:47:25 > 0:47:28- It wouldn't.- It might, you know what it's like.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31- It wouldn't have.- Cuddling, spooning.- It really wouldn't have.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34Don't get me wrong, I used to have a crush on you.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37I can't believe I finally admitted that!
0:47:37 > 0:47:40See? I can express myself. I'm growing up.
0:47:42 > 0:47:49But I love Sam. She's the first person I've ever developed a proper connection with.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00'I waited up all night for Sam to return.
0:48:04 > 0:48:05'But she never did.'
0:48:07 > 0:48:10So now, she won't even return my calls.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12SOBBING
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Dude, are you crying?
0:48:16 > 0:48:21You really love her, don't you? And she doesn't even know it.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26Hey. Hey, there, there.
0:48:26 > 0:48:30I'm sorry. I'm just an old romantic at heart.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32You're telling me!
0:48:32 > 0:48:33Hey, listen,
0:48:33 > 0:48:38if the Bridges of Madison County ever comes on your telly, switch it over.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41- That would floor you!- Yeah!
0:48:44 > 0:48:46People can see us!
0:48:47 > 0:48:52- Come on, Jase, tell me where Sam is, please.- She's staying at mine.
0:48:52 > 0:48:56- What are you doing? - I'm going to see her.
0:48:56 > 0:49:00- She's out. She knew you'd be out, so she went to get her stuff from your place.- Donald!
0:49:00 > 0:49:04- We need to have words. - Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06I don't think so, Mister, come here, immediately.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09I'll deal with this.
0:49:12 > 0:49:13Go!
0:49:15 > 0:49:18Get out of the way.
0:49:18 > 0:49:19Get out!
0:49:19 > 0:49:21I will step over you.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Sam! Sam?
0:49:26 > 0:49:31- Has Sam been back here? - Yes, she left about 20 minutes ago. She was in a bit of a panic.
0:49:31 > 0:49:35- What do you mean?- She mentioned a message on the answer machine.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38She was a bit frosty with me, to be honest,
0:49:38 > 0:49:39so I just kept out of her way.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45'Hi, there, this is Belinda Myers from the Elderly Centre.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47'We're having a bit of an emergency with Dorothy Treacher and wondered
0:49:47 > 0:49:49'if you could pop down as soon as possible.'
0:49:49 > 0:49:54- I didn't know people still had an answering machines! - I didn't know WE had one.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57Listen, Abby, I need your help. I've got to try and win Sam back.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00- I'm all yours. What do you need? - KNOCK AT DOOR
0:50:00 > 0:50:03Please open the door, Dorothy.
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Treach, it's me, Sam.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08I just swung by for a visit.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10- Hey, is everything OK? - Thanks for coming.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12It's all right, I'm here for her.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14Right, she's locked herself in her room...
0:50:14 > 0:50:18No, no, no, I'm here for HER. We need to talk.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21Don, we're worried about Treacher.
0:50:21 > 0:50:22She's been in there for ages.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24I'm not with Abby. I never was.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27Well, what's she doing here, then?
0:50:27 > 0:50:28She just gave me a lift.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30I wanted to help him get to you.
0:50:30 > 0:50:31What's going on?
0:50:31 > 0:50:33I'm trying to win Sam back.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Actually, we're trying to help Dorothy.
0:50:35 > 0:50:36We're trying to help Dorothy,
0:50:36 > 0:50:39but while they're doing that, I'm trying to win Sam back.
0:50:39 > 0:50:40I'll go for the door.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42I saw her go up to you.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45Then I came back down, but you were gone.
0:50:45 > 0:50:49Sam, you have always been the one for me.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51We're the same.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54Do you really think this can work?
0:50:54 > 0:50:58I mean, we are both terrible at relationships.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00Exactly, we're the same.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03Please open the door, Dorothy.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06I listened to that song you wrote.
0:51:07 > 0:51:08And?
0:51:10 > 0:51:11I loved it.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23Holy Costner.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27For BLEEP sake, Henry, will you just get it in me.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29It's no use, Dorothy.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Too many creases and wrinkles and I can't tell which one's your muffin.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39I'm sorry, but in all the time I've worked here,
0:51:39 > 0:51:41I've never seen such disgusting things.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44And I've worked here for three weeks.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46She's a bad influence.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48She's been here for six days and she's created chaos.
0:51:48 > 0:51:52She steals medication, she crushes her pills and snorts them,
0:51:52 > 0:51:54uses profanities at the top of her voice,
0:51:54 > 0:51:56she walks around in the nude,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58she sexually dominates the weaker gentleman.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00ALL: Aw!
0:52:00 > 0:52:02Classic Treacher.
0:52:02 > 0:52:03It pains me to say this,
0:52:03 > 0:52:06but we're going to have to let her go, I'm sorry.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08- No!- What? You can't do that.
0:52:08 > 0:52:10She's got nowhere else to go.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15- I got here as quick as I could.- Why?
0:52:17 > 0:52:19I don't know.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22Eddie, can you look after her for a while,
0:52:22 > 0:52:24just till we find another place to go?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27I'd love to, but I'm sleeping in the Santa van at the moment.
0:52:27 > 0:52:30- Living the American dream. - Stop it.- Sorry.
0:52:30 > 0:52:34- Could you do it?- Me? No, I can't.
0:52:34 > 0:52:38- I don't know where I'm going to be. - I'll take her.- What?
0:52:38 > 0:52:42No, she'll just have to find another place again when you move out.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44Not if I don't sell.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46Guys, I spent one day in that house on my own
0:52:46 > 0:52:49and I almost went insane.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51All right, I went insane.
0:52:51 > 0:52:56Look, you're my family and I missed you.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59Yes, even Gollum, believe it or not.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03That will be a lot of money you are turning down.
0:53:03 > 0:53:07I don't care. I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10You see, I'm growing up and taking some responsibility.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13And now that I've grown up and become a man,
0:53:13 > 0:53:15there's just one last thing I need to say to you.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17What's that?
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Will you come out with me?
0:53:19 > 0:53:21SHE LAUGHS
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Oh...
0:53:35 > 0:53:37- Yes! - Oh, why did you wait that long?!
0:53:37 > 0:53:41That was like an X Factor result pause! That was horrible!
0:53:43 > 0:53:44Come here.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53I told you it would work, didn't I?
0:53:54 > 0:53:56- Dot?- What?
0:53:56 > 0:53:59What did I tell you about how to behave in this place?
0:53:59 > 0:54:02Behave as badly as possible?
0:54:06 > 0:54:07Exactly.
0:54:12 > 0:54:16Hey, you're not going to grow up too much, are you?
0:54:16 > 0:54:19Because I quite like the fact that you're a bit of a fuckwit.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Hmm. "Cool-smart".
0:54:23 > 0:54:26- Come on, everybody!- Ten...
0:54:26 > 0:54:28ALL: Nine...eight...
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Wait, is it the time already?
0:54:30 > 0:54:31ALL: ..six...
0:54:31 > 0:54:35No, it's just gone six. They need to be in bed, so we're pretending it's 12 already.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37ALL: ..two...one...
0:54:37 > 0:54:40ALL: Happy New Year!
0:54:40 > 0:54:43CHEERING
0:54:43 > 0:54:50# Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind... #
0:54:52 > 0:54:55# Walking through the doors to somewhere else
0:54:55 > 0:55:00# Turning the handle I watched it melt - all over me
0:55:00 > 0:55:02# Picking up the ways I couldn't be
0:55:02 > 0:55:04# Picking up the things I never see
0:55:04 > 0:55:08# In front of my eyes
0:55:08 > 0:55:11# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:55:13 > 0:55:16# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:55:17 > 0:55:22# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:55:22 > 0:55:23# Yeah, it's going to be
0:55:23 > 0:55:27# Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:55:27 > 0:55:29# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
0:55:29 > 0:55:32# Took a little time but now he's changed
0:55:32 > 0:55:34# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
0:55:34 > 0:55:36# Took a little time but now he's changed
0:55:36 > 0:55:37# Whoa, whoa
0:55:37 > 0:55:38# Whoa, whoa
0:55:38 > 0:55:41# Took a little time but now he's changed
0:55:41 > 0:55:45# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:55:48 > 0:55:51# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:55:51 > 0:55:53Is it going to be all right now?
0:55:53 > 0:55:56# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:55:56 > 0:55:57# Is it going to be? Is it going to be?
0:55:57 > 0:56:00# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:00 > 0:56:02# Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:02 > 0:56:05# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:05 > 0:56:07# It's not going to be all right
0:56:07 > 0:56:09# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:56:11 > 0:56:16# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:56:16 > 0:56:19# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:21 > 0:56:26# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:26 > 0:56:28# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:56:30 > 0:56:35# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:56:35 > 0:56:39# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:39 > 0:56:44# Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right
0:56:44 > 0:56:48# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right?
0:56:48 > 0:56:52# Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? #
0:56:52 > 0:56:53THEY CHEER
0:56:53 > 0:56:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd