0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08'Let me introduce myself. My name's Don. That's me in bed.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10'I'm about to wake up. See - clever, eh?'
0:00:14 > 0:00:18My nan left me this house, in case you're wondering about the crazy decor.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20What else?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Oh, yeah, I recently got a female lodger...
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Come on, hurry up, I'm bursting!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- Morning, dickhead.- Morning, Gollum.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Mrs Treacher's my neighbour. She's living here while the builders sort out the damp in her house.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- I'd leave it for a minute if I were you.- Oh...
0:00:38 > 0:00:40That's Eddie.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41He's Mrs Treacher's carer.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Actually, he's everyone's carer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45He loves looking after people.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Weirdo.- Make me a cup of tea, Eddie!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- What do you say?- Now!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52You batty boy.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55That's... more like it.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00I have no idea how I ended up living with these freaks.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04At least there's one normal person in my life.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07That's Samantha. Yep, she's hot.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Funny and smart too.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- What are you doing? - Well, you don't mind, do you?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Erm... It is a bit odd.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It's a shame she has a boyfriend, though.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20His name's Brian. See, he's cool with it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Yeah well, I'm not. Get off me!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Sam and I almost got it on once. He doesn't know that.
0:01:29 > 0:01:35We were at a wedding a couple of months ago, staying in this hotel.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- You took your time. - Well, I'm here now.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Oh, Don.- Oh, Abby.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Wait a minute.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Did you just call me Abby?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Abby was a girl I used to have a crush on.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06But when I walked into that room and saw Sam, I knew I was finally over Abby, and wanted to be with her.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09'So when I said...' Oh, Abby.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12'It was a genuine, horrible mistake.'
0:02:12 > 0:02:14What was I thinking?
0:02:14 > 0:02:19Look, the only reason I said her name was because I just got a text message from her.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23So, yeah. I'm Don Danbury. And this is How Not To Live Your Life.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Samantha! Brian's here.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45She'll be down in a moment.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I'll just put the kettle on.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52What does she see in him, I wonder?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Well, he's got a career, he's a published author, he makes good
0:02:55 > 0:03:00money, he's clever, witty, handsome, and he's very, very charming.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Apart from that.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Anyway, if he's so amazing, why does she never talk about him?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- Well, because you always give her a hard time about it.- Like when?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11So come on. Who is he?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13OK. His name is Brian.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15He's a lecturer at my university.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Teaches psychology, and he's even written a book.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19He's your teacher?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Doesn't that make him a paedophile?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- No, Don! He's a really nice guy, actually.- That's what paedos do.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27They gain your trust, lure you in.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30God, it's like talking to a child!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Is that what he says to you?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35No, Don. Just drop the joke. He's not a paedophile.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Are you sure? I mean, look at the title of that book he wrote.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It just annoys me that she started seeing someone so soon.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46She didn't give me a chance to make up for what I did.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I mean, I haven't been to see Abby, I'm not going to.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Open...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Now, don't hate me for saying this, but Sam does seem to be happy with him.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I hate you for saying that.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Don't you think he's a bit old for her?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It's like she's dating her dad.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Ah. How much of that did you just hear?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Just that bit there, where you said it's like she's dating her dad.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Oh, phew, that's all right then!
0:04:13 > 0:04:19You and I, we've never really had a proper chat, have we, Don?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You know it's only cool to sit like that if you're a cop?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Good one! But hey, I'm just a maverick "teacher"
0:04:25 > 0:04:27who breaks rules to get results.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Sam said you work at an art centre - that must be a lot of fun?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Don't let him fool you, babe. Don doesn't work there for the culture, do you?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45He only does jobs where he knows he can get away with doing as little as possible.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- It's not true.- It's true.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Well, give me an example.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Excuse me?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Can you tell me which way to blinds and curtains?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Sleeping.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Help her, she's drowning!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Leave her, she needs to learn to swim.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I'm knackered, can we take a tea break?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13CAR HORNS HONK
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Hey, Don's got a lot of time to work out what career path to take.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Someone as charming and funny as you can do whatever you want.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Are you a bisexual?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- No.- Oh, sorry.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- It's just, well you acted like one then.- Don't waste your energy on him.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30He's not interested in getting a proper job.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Well, as a matter of fact, cheekbones, I've got myself a proper job.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- What? Since when?- Since...tomorrow.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It's an important office job.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Corporate shit. Crunching numbers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Power breakfasts. Conference calls.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- You're just saying words. - Nice one, Don. Where is it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It's at the Whitgift Building.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- You know? On Chaplin Street, near the art gallery?- With which company?
0:05:56 > 0:06:02- Oh, look everyone, it's Mrs Treacher! - Eddie, I just did some toilet, but it won't flush away.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- She's great, isn't she?- Come on, you.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Great to see you again, Don.- Really?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12So untrusting of everyone. Fascinating!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18You didn't tell me you've got a new job.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21That's because I haven't. I lied.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I mean, how am I meant to compete with Brian?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27But at some point Samantha will find out that you lied about the job, and then...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Shush!- What? What is it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32No. I'm just saying shush. Shut up.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40I did feel embarrassed about my crappy little job at the art centre.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Even though I love it there. You see I do the afternoon shift, so I never have to get up too early.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46PHONE RINGS
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Yeah?- Don, it's Jason.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You do know you're working today, don't you?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58MOUTHS
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Yeah, yeah, sorry. I'm going to be late.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- You are late. - I know, but I did warn you.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- When?- Just then!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I said "I'm going to be late". God, you have the memory of a goldfish.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14I want you here ASAP.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"ASAP"? You're "a sap"!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23So after another cheeky ten minutes' sleep, I got up and rushed to work,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I had no idea I was about to bump into Brian and Sam.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Well, it was a great paper. You're really good, you know?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Oh! Look who it is!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You two look so cute together.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40Like the perfect father and daughter. What are you up to?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41We're building a sandcastle.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43What do you think we're doing?
0:07:43 > 0:07:48I'm treating Sam to lunch. She just wrote an amazing paper for me.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Isn't this a breach of your student-teacher relationship?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Er, no. She's a mature student, Don.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Well, congratulations, Samantha. You'll get hammered now, yeah?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Yeah(!)- Well, I don't drink, so...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- Wow, you're quite an exciting guy, aren't you, Bri?- Hey!- Ow!
0:08:04 > 0:08:11Anyway, I'm meant to be at work now, so I'll leave you two to your exciting bread and water.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Donald. Where are you going?- Huh?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I mean - that's where you work, isn't it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20In the Whitgift building?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23'Shit, why does she remember everything I say?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25'Maybe I should just tell the truth.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29'But then I would look like a total dick, and in front of Brian.'
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Yes, yes, it is.- Yeah!
0:08:33 > 0:08:38And that's where I'm off to right this second, to where I work...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39See ya!
0:08:39 > 0:08:44I am telling you, he's lying!
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- Hang on, is that why you wanted to eat here, so you could spy on him? - No!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's ridiculous.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54You two baffle me. You're always at each other.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57A paranoid man might think there's history between you both.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Well, there isn't! - I know, I'm just saying...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Yeah. He just really irritates me, that's all.
0:09:01 > 0:09:07As Carl Jung says, "That which irritates us about others leads to an understanding of ourselves."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Was that a bit irritating?- Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Martin! Hey!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Just go with me, yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- What?- Just, yeah, that's it. Yeah, all right, I'll give you a call some time.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Martin.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Can I help you, sir?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Er, I'm just smelling this.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- What is it?- A leaf?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Mmm. It's lovely.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53What are you doing?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I'm trying to put it back on.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Do you have any glue? - Do you work here, sir?- Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I don't recognise you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:06Well, um, I've got a cold. LIFT PINGS
0:10:10 > 0:10:13So...?
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Right!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Well, I'd...better be getting back to work.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30What am I doing?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Edward Singh.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Eddie, I'm in trouble. I'm late for work, but I'm stuck in the Whitgift building with no way out.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42There's an angry Russian on the front desk. I don't know what to do.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Well, whatever you do, don't tell them your real name.- Gotcha.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Why?- Not sure.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Just seemed like the right thing to say.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Look, I need you to come here and get me out.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57But there's nothing I can do, Don. You know I teach English to foreign students on Mondays.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I can't just abandon them.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Don?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Is everything OK, sir? - That was my friend Don.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12He says he's trapped in a tall building surrounded by Russians, with no way out.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Is that not the plot to Die Hard?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22'What is this place?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24'I better get out quick.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38'I'll just stay here until they've gone - yeah, they won't be long.'
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Excuse me, could you copy these, please?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Ten of each.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- You don't mind me drinking though, do you?- No, of course not.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Just a glass or two with lunch.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Exactly, just a glass or two with lunch.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Oh, am I keeping you?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07No, no. Well, I do have a lot of papers to mark...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Yeah, but you haven't got any lectures this afternoon. Let's do something.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14OK, why not? Hey, maybe we could go see that Godard double bill later?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Or...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18we could do something a bit more exciting!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21OK, how about we do some Meow Meow and go day-clubbing?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Have you got some? - No, of course not.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Oh!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36PRINTER BEEPS
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Sh! Sh!
0:12:40 > 0:12:41BEEPING CONTINUES
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Stand back!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Emergency, emergency!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49BEEPING STOPS Oh.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Sorry, I don't know what happened. - Don't worry.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54The LTDR1000's been a bit of a nuisance of late.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Naughty little copy-droid!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Hey, you must be new?- Er, yeah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Sort of.- Barry Fairdog.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Er, Don. Tom.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Dontom? Is that Belgian?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Hey, why aren't you wearing your tie? Karen will go bonkers.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- I'd put it back on again if I were you.- I don't have a tie.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13You don't have a tie?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Look, don't worry about me, I won't be here long.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Hey kid, don't beat yourself off like that.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I was like you when I first started here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26"Ooh, will I make it through the first week?"
0:13:26 > 0:13:27That was eight years ago!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Uh-oh, the boss!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Better look busy.- Right, everyone.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I'm off to do this wretched meeting with Perry Makeover.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Be back about four.- Er, Karen?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Shut up, Barry.- Yes, Karen.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- I just don't feel the need. - I just think people should get off their faces occasionally.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- I have taken drugs, you know! - Yeah, when?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Glastonbury. 1994.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Shed Seven were bloody good!- That was, like, before I was even born!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00She's exaggerating.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- She's not that young. - I might as well have been.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08Come on, let's go and do something naughty! Have you ever shagged a girl in a place that you shouldn't?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I've never really been much of a back-seat driver, as it were.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Not anal!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- I mean, in like a public place or something?- You want to go dogging?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No, silly!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Let's go and do it in the toilets.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27It will be my present to you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I thought that Guy Debord book was my present?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Oh, God, you're no fun at all.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36All right, I'll show you who's fun!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Come on.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Get a room! PHONE RINGS
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Jason?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Don. Why aren't you here?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- I'm sorry...- You'd better have a good explanation.- I have.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Basically, I'm stuck in this tall building with no way out, there's
0:14:58 > 0:15:01an angry Russian at reception, and I'm surrounded by all these...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Don. Do you think I'm stupid?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- What do you mean?- I've seen Die Hard.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09If you're getting excuses from movie plots again, the least you can...
0:15:09 > 0:15:10What do you mean, "again"?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12When have I ever done that?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Sorry I'm late, Jase.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22I had a nightmare getting here. I was stuck in traffic for ages, right, so I just got out the car and walked.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Anyway, I stopped off for breakfast but they wouldn't serve me any because it was one minute past.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29So I pulled out my machine gun and started firing it...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Isn't that the plot to Falling Down?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I was up all night watching my neighbours through binoculars.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I even managed to solve a murder. Mad, eh?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39That's the film Rear Window.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Look, I'm dating this girl all right, who's only free in the middle of the night.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Well, I say 'girl', I mean 'mannequin'.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I say 'only free' - I mean 'comes to life'.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Like in the film Mannequin?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Yeah, a bit like that.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53OK, picture the scene.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Opening credits, a spaceship flies over head, this is the Imperial Star Fleet...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03OK, OK. But this time I'm telling the truth.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Get. Here.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Now!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Piss off, you pathetic jobsworth.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You're nothing to me, you hear?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Nothing!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Psst. Dontom.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Over here.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I like the way you handled that guy. You're brave.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Would you speak to one of my clients?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, I wasn't actually speaking to...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39You see, he agreed to take three projects from us but now he's stalling.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44If Karen finds out I haven't secured them, it'll be "Adios, Senor Fairdog", you know what I mean?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Er, no. Not really...- I've never been any good at hard-balling.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53His name's Jeffrey Underscore, he's based in Bristol, and he sounds like he might have a moustache.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58OK, but what exactly are we selling here?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Ha, ha. Good one. Like it. - No, no, no. I'm serious.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Oh, hello it's, er, Don...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Tom. From...?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Barry Fairdog's desk.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Yeah, I'm sorry about that but Barry had to rush off for the afternoon because he's got... the shits.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I know you've had a change of heart, Jeffrey, but you've just got to make it work.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Harder.- You want me to come round and roundhouse you in the prick?!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- That's a bit hard.- OK, fine, fine.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Don't take them then, I don't care.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I don't know, we'll just sell them on, make a tidy profit.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35We don't need you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Oh, oh, now you're interested?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Yeah, OK.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41That's more like it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Good boy, good boy.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- He's back in.- My God, Dontom,
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- you're a natural.- You've just got to use your balls, Barry.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Always think with your balls.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59HE MOUTHS THE WORDS
0:17:59 > 0:18:03HE WHISTLES
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Er, do you mind?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Not as big as I thought it would be.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Why? How big did you think... Wait a minute, what?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Marcus Blade, head of International.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- So? Can you stop looking at my penis, please?- You're a fraud, aren't you?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Er...- You're not a temp.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- No, I'm not.- What are you doing here?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I kinda just sneaked in.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34You belong with me. On my team.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I saw you on that call earlier, clearing up Fairdog's mess.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40You're a genius.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You act like it's so much bigger.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44What if someone catches us?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47That's half the fun, thinking we're going to get caught.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- I'm not so sure, this doesn't feel right.- There's a condom machine. See, they want us to have sex.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53After you.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- What precisely do you do at this company?- Exactly!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00What the hell are we doing here?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02No, that's what I just asked.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- What say we start you on 35?- 35?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08OK, look, £40,000 a year, but that's my final offer.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10£40,000 a year?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Oh, my God, that is millions.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- We got a deal, Dontom?- Yes!
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Oh, er, my name's not Dontom. You'll need to know that for my pay slips.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's Don. You know? Which is short for Donald.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Dontom was my, um, temping name.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yeah, that really is a nice tip.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27A very, very nice tip.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Welcome to the team.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Hey, beautiful Dontom.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37What's going down, dude?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I've just been promoted.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41What?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Yeah, Marcus Blade just offered me a place on his team.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- You fucking bitch!- What?!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Fucking traitor bitch slut fuck.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53All right, Barry, come on.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I haven't been promoted in eight years.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00And you just waltz in here and go from temp to international in an afternoon.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Barry, I'm not actually a temp.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh! Rub it in why don't you?!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Why won't they promote ME?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16WHY?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Argh! - SPLAT!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Don't worry about him. Does that every week. Buffoon.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Ambulance for Barry Fairdog.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Now, let me show you where you'll be sitting.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- You want me to come over there and roundhouse you in the prick? - Oi! That's my line.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I think you'll find you've already been a huge influence around here.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44MUSIC: "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits
0:21:09 > 0:21:12This is your vessel.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I've got a great feeling about this.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Are you Donald?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Er, yes.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Wow. I've heard so much about you.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Really?- Want to fuck me later?
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Say what now? - Fuck me? You want to do that?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Er, yes.- Great.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47PHONE RINGS
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Jason.- OK, Don. I've given you plenty of warning but I'm afraid you're...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- I'm resigning!- Fired. What?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59You can stick your job where the sun doesn't shine.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Oh, and I don't mean Penge.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09I'll have that. I'll have that. I'll have that.
0:22:09 > 0:22:15I'll... Ooh, Waterworld Triple Disc Director's Cut, No Way Out. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18'Finally I've got a great job with proper wages.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21'It wasn't an accident I walked into this building today.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22'It was my destiny.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25'Should I treat myself to a holiday this year?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27'Yeah, I've earned it.'
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Oh, yes! Yes!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh! Yeah!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37This is so naughty.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39God, there's a lot of graffiti in here.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"Your mum is gay". I mean, how can they be so certain?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Babe, shut up.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"Terry Banter's dads got AIDS"?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53There's no apostrophe after the word dad.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Maybe Terry Banter's got two dads.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Babe, you are not marking homework now.- Sh! Sh!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- What?- I think I can hear someone.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02HE COUGHS
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, God, there's someone out there.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07OK, well just be quiet and maybe they'll go.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I think it's best you stop what you're doing and leave.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13This is not what you're thinking.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I'm helping her... to go to the toilet.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- I'm his... daughter.- What?!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Well, they might believe it, you do look older than me.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, great. Now you sound like Don.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Why are you bringing him into this?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I'll be waiting outside. I expect to see you there in 20 seconds.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35It's 20 seconds. We've got time to finish, right?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Do you want me to come over there and roundhouse you in the prick?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Come on, use your balls. - Think with your balls, goddammit!
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Er, why are you speaking to our clients like that?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53What's with all the pricks and balls talk? Where the hell's your tie?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I'm just copying the new boy, Donald.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Ah, Karen. Need to dialogue with you vis-a-vis Donald, the new boy I've taken on.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02He's amazing. And he's got a beautiful tip.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08You've done what? Oh, Jesus. Right, listen up everyone!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I understand Marcus here's been promoting people.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Well, you shouldn't pay attention to Marcus. He's fired.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17What?! That's madness, come on!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Sorry, Marcus. You're a liability.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24You keep employing people without authority.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Now, I need to speak with this Donald person.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Well, come on. Who's Donald?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- I'm Donald.- I'm Donald.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I'm Donald.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Wow, you guys are doing a Spartacus for me?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52No. My name's actually Donald.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Yeah, so's mine. That's weird.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58Donald and Donald, sit down. I know who you both are, you fools.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01So, you're Donald?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Er, one of them.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I don't like hard-balling clients, and I don't like a slapdash attitude to tie wearing.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12This organisation has a reputation for kindness. And tie wearing.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Look, I hear you, I do.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18But sometimes you just got to bust a few chops, right?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21What? Donald. This is a charity.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23So that's what you do here!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Right, you're a...
0:25:25 > 0:25:26charity?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30And we do not bust people's chops.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32We find homes for war orphans.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, shit.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36OK, fine.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Don't take them, I don't care.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43I don't know, we'll just sell them on, make a tidy profit.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45You mean I was selling war orphans?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48'Warphans', yes. And we're not selling them! My God, man!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- His methods get results, Karen. - Hush, Marcus!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Now I want you to clear your desk immediately.- You're firing me.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Do all of those few hours I've been at this company mean nothing?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You can go back to your temp job.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Temp job? I don't have a temp job.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I was just...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- hiding in this building.- What?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12I was hiding from my flatmate and her boyfriend.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Please don't fire me, Karen. I've already told my real boss to shove his job where the sun don't shine.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- What? Penge? - Please, Karen, please. Don't fire me.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23This job means so much to me.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I've never had a job with such good wages before. Please! Oh, shit.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I bought a speedboat on the internet.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Please, Karen, please.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'm an orphan too.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Please.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41If we see you near these premises again we'll call the police.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Get off! Ow!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47What's going on with you two?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Jesus, the service here is terrible.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- You're telling me.- We just got caught shagging in the toilets.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Really?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Wow, that's...- Exciting?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Yeah.- Come on.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You've finished work early, Don.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Oh, God. Babe, he never actually worked there.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Did you?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Nah.- I don't get what's going on.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Brian, I have no career, OK.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Just a crappy little part-time job.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21At least I hope I have.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Shit, I'm going to have to call Jason and do some serious arse-licking.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Oh, God. I think my hangover's coming. My head feels like syrup.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30See you later, Barry.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Bye, Dontom. Stay in touch!
0:27:33 > 0:27:38'So, like I said, my name's Don Danbury and this How Not to...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40'Well, you get the idea.'