0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Work's been busy. We have a new exhibition by an artist called...
0:00:08 > 0:00:13Jonathan Bang-Daniels. Now, Bang-Daniels calls this collection The Anonymous Gathering.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Not very lifelike, if you ask me.
0:00:15 > 0:00:20Apparently, Jonathan Bang-Daniels based this one on his own physique,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23which must mean he doesn't have genitalia.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Ah, this one here is even less lifelike.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I mean, look at that. Nothing, nothing at all.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Don, I want a word.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- But it does speak, which is a nice touch.- Excuse us for one second.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I heard you were late again today.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Ah, yeah, but I've got a good excuse.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Right! And what was it this time? Did you have another stroke?
0:00:44 > 0:00:45- That wasn't a lie.- There you are.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I heard you were late again today.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I've had a stroke.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- You were saying?- All right, maybe that was a lie, but look,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I couldn't help it this morning.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- I was in a terrible car crash, and...- Excuse me?
0:01:01 > 0:01:06My friend and I would like to know what time you finish work.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Why's that, then? - Well, Felicity thinks you're cute.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Right. I hope you're not Felicity and speaking in third person.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Don hates that.- Excuse me?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Nothing.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19You must come along, too.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20What?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23We'll be in the bar
0:01:23 > 0:01:26across the road.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Ooh! What do you reckon, then?- No.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31What? Come on, we might have a laugh.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33But, Don, I don't really like you.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Oh, I know what this is about.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Yeah, it's cos I don't really like you.- It's cos we're work colleagues.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I know, I know. You don't me to see you drunk, do you?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43No, it's because I don't really like you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45But look, your one's well up for it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49She is quite cute, I guess.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51There, you see?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Yeah, it doesn't matter that you and I are totally different.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Maybe that's our thing.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Yeah? We could be like the Lethal Weapon of double dating.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm Riggs, by the way. You're Murtaugh.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You know, the black one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23And so, for the first time ever, I was socialising with Jason.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And on the pull, no less.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I mean, to be honest, I don't dig all that post-modern stuff.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Do people still say "post-modern"?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32So what sort of artwork do you prefer?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, call me old-fashioned, but I like paintings.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Drawings. You know, art.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I was hugely influenced by the Eighties movement.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Who?- Well, you know, Harris.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- He means Rolf.- Hart.- Tony.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Buchanan.- Neil.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Although, technically, Neil Buchanan was early Nineties, huh, Jase?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54You're an absolute hoot!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Mm, I am, aren't I?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What is a hoot?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Look, same again? And I may as well get some Samuel Bucas. Yeah?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Yeah? Yeah.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11What on earth made you employ him?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14He was actually very good in his interview.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17He knew a lot about the artists we were exhibiting at the time.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18- Really?- Yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Well, it turns out he'd memorised the flyers while he was waiting to be interviewed.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Why don't you just fire him? - Oh, he's nice!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I've tried many, many times, but he has this uncanny ability
0:03:30 > 0:03:31to make me change my mind.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- You're firing me?- Yes.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You can't do that! Don't, please!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Argh!
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Don't fire me! I've got leukaemia, and he's firing me! NOOOO!!!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45OK, Don, OK, you can keep your job!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Just put your clothes back on.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50All right. Thanks, Jase. Is it lunch yet?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Great.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I mean, in a way he's kind of amazing.
0:03:56 > 0:04:03Here we go. Drinks and Sammy Bucas for you, right?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05What we talking about, then?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Er, Rembrandt.- Who?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11My one's up for coming back with me.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- Congratulations, Don.- Ah, you say that, but posh girls can be prudish.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I mean, I don't want to spend all night in bed with her and not actually do anything.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- Leaves a man with sad, aching balls.- What a poetic image.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25This has been fun, right?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Yeah, it's been the best night of my life, Don.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Aww! I'll catch you later, Murtaugh.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And so I took Felicity back to my place.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I'd never had someone this posh in my bedroom before.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Look, it's difficult for guys to have lots of foreplay
0:04:43 > 0:04:45without actually, well, you know?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49And you seem like a very respectable lady, so I'm not going to start...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Shut up.- Oh! Oh!
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Huh?
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Holy Costner! No-one's ever done that before!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29This is pretty wild.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Candle wax on the nipples? That's nothing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Er, I'm not going to light it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Who's your daddy? - I told you, I'm an orphan.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- I said, who's your daddy?- You are?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53This feels a bit weird.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"This feels a bit weird, Uncle Peter."
0:05:59 > 0:06:05I'm not sure what I get out of this.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Morning, kids. Oh, and you, Brian.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Top o' the morning, Donald.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29It's funny, isn't it?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Love happens when you least expect it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33You're in love? With who?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Her name's Felicity. I think.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Yeah, yeah, it's Felicity.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41How exciting. What makes you think it's love?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Well, A, the sex is amazing.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- Is there a B?- No.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Well, you seem really happy, Don. That's wonderful.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'm telling you, Bri, she is filthy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59I mean really, really dirty.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, that's great.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- Oh, man, she's my ticket out of this dump.- What are you talking about?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Well, she's like royal, or something.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh! Hello.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Everyone, this is Felicity.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- My friends call me Flick.- Why?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21It's, er, short for Felicity, I guess.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Would you like me to run you a bath, Flick?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Don's been telling me how filthy you are.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- I never said that.- Yeah!
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Yes, you did, just now. You said she was really, really dirty.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Right! Well, I'd better get going.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yeah, I'll see you out.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55You were amazing last night! You fancy doing "that" again later?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I can't. I'm off to Mummy and Daddy's for the weekend.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Oh, my God, you should come with!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Harriet's joining us. It's lovely down there.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06We can canter on the fillies, shoot game, get sozzled on Daddy's plonk.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Yeah, sorry, er, my posh isn't great. What?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Just say, "Yes, Flick, that would be lovely."
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Yes, Flick, that would be lovely.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I adore how subservient you are.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, thanks.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What does sub-Serbian mean?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Punching above your weight, aren't you?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- What you talking about, Gollum? - That posh slut.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33What's she see in you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Well, clearly she sees a cool and sophisticated guy.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41THEY GIGGLE
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Bite me. All of you.- Aw, Don!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Her parents' house was huge.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54It was like something out of a Keira Knightley novel.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02The girls invited Jason along, too.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Just think, Murtaugh, one day this could all be mine.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12HE SCOFFS
0:09:12 > 0:09:14What?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- You're punching above your weight, Don.- Why do people keep saying that?
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- Because you are.- Oh, and you think you're a part of the furniture, do you?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Don, I deal with these people all the time.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You see, a lot of posh types buy art, you know?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Jase, I'm a social chameleon.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Once I've finished with this lot, they'll think I'm Lord Donald of Danbury.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Right, well, we'll see.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Chaps, what are doing? Chop-chop!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Wellington, will you show Jason and Harriet to their room?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Of course, m'lady.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Wow, you've got a butler!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Mm!- There she is, my little princess!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Daddy!- Her dad was immense.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02And immensely posh. He made me feel like an oik.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Harrison Ashton Lard, of the Hampshire Ashton Lards.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Maybe they were right.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11Maybe I was punching above my weight. I mean, what must he see?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Big Issue? Big issue, sir?
0:10:16 > 0:10:17All right guv'nor!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Apples and pears! Is that Prince William?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I've just parked me van on the lawn, innit?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29So don't be getting anyone to move it, right? Cos I'd be well vexed.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33All right?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Still the kettle on, will you, love?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Right, I'm going to unpack.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I'll leave you boys to get to know each other.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46OK, poppet.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I don't like you.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- But you don't know me. - I don't wish to.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Oh. Er...- Felicity's my only child.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59My only daughter. You were aware of that?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Well, you must be very proud, m'lord?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03You know that she's still a virgin?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Does that surprise you?!
0:11:07 > 0:11:08A little bit, yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- I want it to stay that way, you hear?- What?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13You keep it that way, you hear?
0:11:13 > 0:11:19- I can't hear you.- Oh. Sex is for the weak-minded.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's disgusting. It's overrated.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You don't like sex?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Why do you think I only have one child?- Don't know. Are you Chinese?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Did Daddy give you a talking-to?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38God, yeah. He's frightening, isn't he?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42What, Puss Puss? No, he's a softy underneath it all.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Puss Puss?- When I was a girl, I used to call him Puss Puss.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- He reminded me of the family pet, you see?- What did you have, a lion?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Yah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Did Daddy tell you?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Sadly, we had to put him to sleep.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58He chewed the maid's face off. Poor old Puss Puss.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Poor old Puss Puss? What about the maid?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, Maria's fine. She's still with us.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- What you doing? - What are you doing, more like?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I'm having a poo, Don. Do you mind?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Sorry, sweetie! Adjacent bathroom, Donald.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Knock before you enter, there's a good chap.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Er, what's that for?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's to stimulate the vagina.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Yeah, I know that.- Or sphincter. I might want to use it later.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Although not on me!
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Right, I think Puss Puss has fun planned for us today.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35- You up for outdoor larks?- Yeah! Yeah, outdoor larks sound great!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Here we go. Here it comes!
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Super!- Whoa, hang on, hang on!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Sorry.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Show us the way, Jason.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Superb!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31The day hadn't gone great,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35and I really wasn't scoring any points with Felicity's dad.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Don't worry, Wellington's arm will be fine. It was only a flesh wound.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I've never shot someone before.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44You are getting changed into something nice, aren't you?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You'll be meeting the rest of the family at din-dins.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Yeah, course. I knew the sort of place I was coming to.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54It's my grandad's. Nice, eh?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Let's get going.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I was introduced to everyone else at dinner.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Felicity's mother was literally the poshest woman I'd ever met.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Do you think we should get Wellington put down?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12He's not as useful with one arm.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14But at least she wasn't as crazy as the dad.
0:14:14 > 0:14:21The best thing about being in the Army is you can take a man's life and it isn't against the law.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And then there was Auntie Hortensia.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Well, she didn't speak at all, so it's hard to tell what she's like.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- You all right?- No, it's no use.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31She's been in a state of shock ever since her boys were killed.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Oh, sorry.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- (How did they die?)- Car crash.- Oh.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Mm, that's a French Malbec?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I'm impressed. You know your wines.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45No, no, not really.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Danbury, how's yours?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, yeah. Mm.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Mm. Shit, that's good.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57But can you guess what it is?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Oh, er... Well, it's, er, wine, right?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Philistine. Now, where's Maria with the bloody food?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05BELL RINGS
0:15:05 > 0:15:11Dude, can you stop sucking up to the dad, please? I need him to like me.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12What? I'm not sucking up.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Stop whispering! - Yes, m'lord. Sorry, m'lord.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Caviar, sir?- Ah, yes. Holy fuck!
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Donald, this is Maria, the housemaid I told you about.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You have a kind face.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37And you have a lovely...mask.
0:15:38 > 0:15:44Jason, tell me, you see a lot of black chaps on the rugby pitch
0:15:44 > 0:15:48but very few dark faces in the stands. Why is that?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Er, I'm more of a cricket man.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Jolly good. Do you play at all?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Maybe we could knock a ball around tomorrow, post meridiem?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I don't like it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That tastes like gas.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I mean, it's, mm, yummy.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yummy gas.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27It was so frustrating. I didn't seem to be able to do anything right.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Meanwhile, Jason was Mr Perfect.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33# But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun. #
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Absolutely wonderful, Jason.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Oh, no, it was all the piano's doing. I just touched the keys.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49I thought feigning interest in the old freaky aunt might show them all I was a nice guy.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- You all right, love? - Get your treacherous hands off her!
0:16:52 > 0:16:58I was just seeing if she's OK. It must be really tough for her, losing her boys like that.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How old were they?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Six, eight and 12.- Oh, man.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- That's awful. - Graham was the youngest. Then Bilbo.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Then Peanuts.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11HE SNORTS
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Sorry. Sorry.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17It's just, you know, where I'm from you wouldn't call a child Peanuts.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Peanuts was a corgi.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22A corgi?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24You mean her boys were dogs?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Yah.- Oh, right!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Well, what's all the fuss about?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Just get yourself some new ones, love.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34And there was me thinking she'd named her son Peanuts.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Still, actually, Graham's a weird name for a dog, isn't it?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41SHE SOBS
0:17:41 > 0:17:47No, no, no, that's a good thing, it means she's in there somewhere, not a total cabbage.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Your family hate me.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Of course they do, Donald.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03You're common. But that's exactly why I like you.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Really?- Yah, you're exciting.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Thanks.- Naughty.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Well, I try.- Stupid.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Yep. What?
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Now, are we going to screw each other senseless, or am I going to have to get Wellington up here?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17- What does that mean, exactly?- Catch.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Oh, look, I don't think we should get up to any hanky panky while we're here.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- What if your dad hears us? - His room's on the other side of the building.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Yeah, but what if we're loud? I mean, some of the things you do to me really make me yelp.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yelp?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Whatever the manly version of yelping is.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Don't worry, I've got just the thing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44No, Penelope, I do not know what the collective noun for pigeons is.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Pigeons?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Pigeonies?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52You look so cute.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Cute? I look like I've borrowed Marilyn Manson's underwear.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Why can't we just do it in our nude suits?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00That's so boring. I like to dress up.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Don't tell me you haven't done this sort of thing before.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I had sex once dressed as Apollo Creed.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07But the make-up just got really messy.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- You have got to be shitting me. - It'll stop you from "yelping".
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I'm scared.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Aww!
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Ready?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Princess? Are you awake?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34One second, Puss Puss.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Quick, get in the bathroom!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45What is it, Daddy?
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- Where's Danbury?- Oh, he, erm, wanted to get some fresh air.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54When are you going to bring home a nice lad?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Donald IS nice.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59No, I mean someone we can welcome into the family.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You want to get married, don't you?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You see, I don't trust him.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I think he might be a bad influence on you.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, come on, Daddy, I'm tired.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14I'd be terribly upset if I ever discovered you've already popped your hymen.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- What was that?- Oh, er...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Was that him?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23No, Daddy, I told you, he's outside.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Oh, Lordy!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Strange pyjamas, Don.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38HE MUMBLES
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Er let me see, something about aqueducts?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Whoa, whoa, whoa, no need to swear!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Open up!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Sorry, Don.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I can't understand you with that ball in your mouth.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04BANGING ON DOOR
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Is there another person in here?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- Just Harriet. - I said person, not woman.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Don't try and get away from me!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35OK, poppet, sweet dreams.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I hope I'm in them.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40KNOCK ON DOOR
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Cup of cocoa, m'lady.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Wellington! - Sir?- Have you seen Danbury?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- I'm afraid not, sir. - I don't like him, Wellington. - I understand, sir.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06I don't like the way he looks at my precious daughter.
0:22:06 > 0:22:12I want to grab hold of that boy's penis, hold it tight and then yank it from his groin.
0:22:12 > 0:22:20And then I want to bend him over and insert aforementioned severed penis right up his backside.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24That'll teach him never to lay a finger on my angel.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26It certainly would, sir.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Now, if you don't mind, I need to attend to Lady Hortensia.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Of course.
0:22:47 > 0:22:54There you go, m'lady. Now, don't forget to take your pills at 3am, 5am and 7am.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I've left them here with some water.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Good to see you're peeing regularly, m'lady.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19KNOCK ON DOOR
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Have you seen Donald?- Is he the one running around in S&M gear?
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Oh, God. I do hope Daddy doesn't find him. He'll tear his penis off.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I'm being serious. He did it to my first boyfriend.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Tore his penis right off. He was only 13.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Sorry.- I don't mind.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Please don't hurt me.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Please, I'll scream.- No, no, no.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Argh!
0:24:27 > 0:24:28M'lady?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31What's going on?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Hortie? Are you OK? What happened?
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Argh!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59GROWLING
0:26:07 > 0:26:09There you are.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I was right about you, wasn't I?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- What's going on? - Penelope, shut your eyes at once.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I don't want you too see this filth.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Donald!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Have you got anything to with this, my angel? Please tell me you haven't.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30No! Of course not.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Donald, what are you doing? You're rotten in the head.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I want you off my grounds this instant.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42How could you do this, Donald?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44My lord!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47My lord! I have some splendid news.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- What is it, Wellington?- Auntie Hortie's finally spoken again!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52What did she say?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54She said...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56he tried to penetrate her.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04HE GROWLS
0:27:09 > 0:27:13And so I had to make my own way home.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I had to keep telling myself that the only reason Felicity
0:27:16 > 0:27:19didn't help me back there was because she had no choice.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Her dad would've killed her.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24She was probably back at home, worrying about me.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32It's chafing my balls.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Get in the bed. Now!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:58 > 0:28:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk