0:00:02 > 0:00:04THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08Oh, come on, hairs, don't leave me!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12What are you all dressed up for?
0:00:12 > 0:00:13I'm going on a date.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Someone finds Yoda attractive? Urgh!
0:00:21 > 0:00:26So who's the unlucky man, then? Treacher's got a date.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Aw, that's nice. So have I!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30What? With who?
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- Er, Brian.- Oh, right. Well, it's not a date, then, is it?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- He's your boyfriend. - So? He's still taking me out.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- No. A date is when you don't know the person very well. - It's a date, right?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I don't give a shit.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46It's like when people say that their baby's 19 months old.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49It's not. It's one. One year old.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Why do they still say months? That'd be like me saying I'm...
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- 348 months old.- Exactly.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00- 348... Whoa, I'm not that old!- Right, well, I'm going to call it a date.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02So I will see you freaks later.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06A date?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Don?- What?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I've got a date, too.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Great. So everyone's got a date tonight, except me!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Yes?- Ah, hello.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- I'm here for Dorothy Treacher. - Gollum!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25We've met before, haven't we?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27No, thank you, no. I went before I left.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30No, no. What's your name again?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Oh, yes!- Who are you?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35No, my name's not Hugh. It's George.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Hello, George.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Urgh! It's like watching The Two Ronnies get off with each other.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50I was thinking, maybe we should skip dinner and just get wankered?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Yes!
0:01:52 > 0:01:58Now, you bring her back at a decent hour, you hear? What am I saying?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22'Later, something very disturbing happened.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24'While I was trying to get to sleep...'
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Oh, no! '..I could hear sex coming from Sam's room.'
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Right, that's got to stop.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Right, I'm sorry, guys,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44but I'm not going to allow this high-energy nailing under my roof.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I know you're both adults. You especially, Brian.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48But them's the rules...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51What are you doing?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Oh, thank God! I thought I could hear Brian nailing you.- What?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And you thought you'd come in and watch?!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Why, would that be OK with you both? - Don, get out!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Hang on. If it's not you, then...
0:03:04 > 0:03:09Is that all you've got? Fuck me inside out!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Is that...?- Say my name!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Say! My! Name!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Dorothy Treacher!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Fuck the shit out of me!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Oh, my God. I will never be able to look at Treacher again.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I'm never going to be able to watch The Two Ronnies again.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32And it's a good night from me...
0:03:32 > 0:03:36'It seemed like everyone was in a relationship. And then there was Eddie -
0:03:36 > 0:03:39'he wasn't his usual caring self.' Why didn't you wake me, Eddie?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- I told you I've got an important appointment today.- Hey, Don.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Just making Brian a little omelette-let.- Brian?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Sorry, Brian?! Who do you work for, exactly?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Me or Brian?- Neither. I work for Dot.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Oh, yeah.- Tell you what, I'll quickly whip you up some muesli.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Why are you threatening me with muesli?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- It's healthy.- It's evil. Tastes like hamster cage.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Now whip me up my usual, thank you very much.- OK. So...
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Three fried eggs, three slices of bacon, three sausages, three beans, three hash browns, chips,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12tomatoes, mushrooms, black pudding, cup of tea, fried slice, and a Terry's Chocolate Orange for afters?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16That's more like it. Now, I don't suppose you've run me a bath, have you?
0:04:16 > 0:04:21- Ooh... Brian's just had one, so I'm just waiting for the water to heat up again.- Unbelievable.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25I don't know what's happened.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- But I feel like I don't even exist in my own home.- Sorry, what?
0:04:29 > 0:04:34I said, I don't know what's happened, but I feel like I don't even exist in my own home.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Er, yes? Hello?!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You deaf old prune!
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- Eh?- Arrrrgh!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13'I was sick of being ignored by people that don't even live in my house.'
0:05:13 > 0:05:18'Especially Brian. I mean, just look at them all, they all think he's amazing.'
0:05:20 > 0:05:26- Oi, Treacher! Can you tell your boyfriend not to just burst into the...- Sssh, sssh.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Er, excuse me. I just had a very traumatic experience... - In a second, Don.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34In a second? I might have a horrible disease in a second!
0:05:34 > 0:05:40'I couldn't believe it. The way they always hang on Brian's every word.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42'It's like he's the king of my castle.'
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Right, well, I'm going out now.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I said, I'm just popping out.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Brian's talking, Don.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53But he thinks, "I can't wake anybody up..."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56You know, you'd miss me if I were gone.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Yeah, you would, yeah. If I just dropped dead, you'd miss me!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"If I turn a light on, I'll disturb someone." So he goes down to the hallway.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09He's kind of shuffling down the hallway, trying to look for the light...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Are you all right, Eddie?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- Did Don just say something about dying?- He's being an idiot.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- He can't stand someone else getting a bit of attention. Carry on, babe. - Hmm.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- What's wrong? - Well, it's a letter to Don from Great Michael Street Hospital.
0:06:41 > 0:06:47It says, "We can confirm your appointment on Tuesday 26th to discuss the transplant."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- 26th is today.- Give it here.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He said something just then about having a disease.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Jesus, you're right. It does. - Well, what sort of transplant?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Well, it doesn't say.- It could be anything. I mean, he's so unhealthy.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He eats a fried breakfast every day.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- He never eats vegetables.- Oh, my God. It's my fault. I've killed Don!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10No, Eddie, don't say that. Oh, God, maybe it's his liver or something.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I mean, he does drink a lot. What could it be?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Well, you're definitely receding.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Are you sure? I'm definitely losing it?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- I'm afraid so.- God, no! Please, I can't go bald!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Please, I'm so scared!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31The good news is, we can do a transplant.
0:07:31 > 0:07:39- Really?- But you would be looking at a cost of around £5,000.- What!?- And it's not a guaranteed 100% cure.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43So cold...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So cold. Hold me. Hold me!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Jesus...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50'I thought I coped with that quite well.'
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- How did it go?- How'd what go?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- We found the letter, Don. - About your appointment?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh. Yeah...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11So what did they say? Is it serious?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Yeah. It's everything I feared. - Oh, God...
0:08:15 > 0:08:21- Yeah, they said there's no real cure. - But what about the transplant? - Yeah, they could do a transplant.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25But it's not 100% guaranteed cure. And anyway, I can't afford it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh Jesus, Don...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Is it... terminal?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Yeah. Yeah, I suppose you could put it that way.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Could be gone in a year, a month, they don't know.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I have to say, I'm surprised you all care.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Of course we care! I know we fight a lot, Don, but I still care about you. Why didn't you say something?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Well, I just thought you'd all think I was being vain.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54That's ridiculous, Don. It's not vain!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'm losing it, guys.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I'm actually losing it. - No, no. You're not.- I am.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I've been really good at hiding it, but... I'm losing it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I think you're being incredibly brave.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Yeah, I am, aren't I?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- What is it? - What do you mean?- Hey, hey.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Just one step at a time, huh? - No, you're right. I'm sorry.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Just tell us in your own time. Oh, babe, come here.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Wow!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Not you!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31'Now, you've probably spotted the serious case of crossed wires here.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35'Call me stupid, but I genuinely thought they were upset about my hair.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- 'It wasn't until Treacher said...' - I always thought I'd be the first to croak.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42'..that things started to fall in to place.'
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- What did you just say? - Oh, Dot. That's incredibly negative.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53We have to think positively! He might be all right.
0:09:53 > 0:09:59Yeah, but there's also no point in kidding ourselves, is there?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03'What the hell am I playing at? Well, just look at what's going on here.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05'I've never been the reason for a group hug. Ever.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08'I finally knew what it felt like to not be hated.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11'And it felt nice. Who knew?'
0:10:14 > 0:10:16KNOCK AT DOOR
0:10:17 > 0:10:19You all right?
0:10:19 > 0:10:24Yeah, just watching Dude, Where's My Car?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It's actually a really well-made film. Do you want to join me?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Listen. Brian and I have been talking.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I hope that's all you've been doing.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Look. Life is precious. Live it to the fullest, seize the day.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- Carpe diem.- No, thanks. I don't like fish.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49So, if there's something that you've always wanted to do - anything -
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Brian and I are here to help make it happen. OK?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You're up for a threesome?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Well, I'd always imagined it would be with two girls...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Er, Don...- Whoa, whoa.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02OK, I'm up for it.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Under one condition. Brian, you do not look at my cum face. Capiche?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Don, that isn't what I meant!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I knew that!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19What I just said stays in this room, OK?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Seriously, though. You should maybe think of
0:11:23 > 0:11:27a bucket list. Surely there's stuff that you've always dreamt of doing?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I meant stuff that isn't impossible.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Have a think.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52OK.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59- Er, Sam?- Yeah?- There is actually something you could both do for me.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Right, well, I'll give you a call later...
0:12:03 > 0:12:10Sorry. It's just having him around is a constant reminder that I'll never make it to that age.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15And as for you, young lady, I'm banning Ronnie Barker from this house.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18You two rutting the way you do makes me feel ill.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Well, you know, more ill.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- It's all right. I've dumped him anyway.- Really, why?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26He was only interested in me for my body.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33'And so I began my new life, as a dead man.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'I never knew dying would have so many perks.'
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Can I get you anything?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- I'd love a foot rub.- Sure.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Yes?- Could you get me a Tizer Martini, please?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Eddie?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Could you feed me those Skittles?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I'm feeling too weak to lift them.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57- Abso-lulu.- Great.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03'It was great. They did whatever I asked.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07'Yeah, maybe I got a teeny weeny bit carried away with it all.'
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Now, I don't want a hearse.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I want a monster truck with the coffin on the roof.
0:13:12 > 0:13:19And I want the monster truck to crush over all the other cars as it arrives, yeah? Like...so.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Don.- Yes, Eddie.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23A hearse is more traditional.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I don't care. They're horrible.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Seriously, I wouldn't be seen dead in a hearse.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Too soon? Sorry.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Oh, and I would love to have Brian May in a wind machine.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I'm not sure we're going to be able to get Brian May to play at your funeral.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Urgh, no, I don't want him to play!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I just want him there.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46In a wind machine.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# Going faster than a roller coaster... #
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Everyone cared about me. I was so happy.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54£7.80, please.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Ah, I've only got two pounds.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Oh, come on, mate. I'm dying!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Don, you can't use that as an excuse.- Is that true?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Yeah, but...
0:14:03 > 0:14:06All right, have these on me.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Thanks, barman.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Don.- Yeah.- What's it called?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- What's what called? - You know, what you've got?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- If you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand. - No, no, that's fine.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25It's called Peterson's disease. It's a stomach thing.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Probably all that bad food I've eaten over the years.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31God, you are dealing with this so well.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- I never thought that you'd be this brave.- Well...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, God, I'm sorry.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- What for? - We have argued a lot in the past.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- And it just all seems really petty now.- Hey, don't...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46If I've ever been mean to you, then I regret it. You know that, right?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Hey. You haven't been mean.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You've been amazing. I've really,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55really loved hanging out with you for the last few days.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yeah, me too.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Eddie. Wants to know whether I want him to run a bath.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You fancy a bath?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Well, you're consistent, I'll give you that.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18PHONE RINGS
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Eddie! Phone!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN STAIRS
0:15:25 > 0:15:26HE PANTS
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Sorry, I was upstairs!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Danbury residence.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- 'Can I speak to Don Danbury, please?'- It's for you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Nah.- I'm afraid he's not available at the moment. Can I take a message?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You all right, Dobby?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Yes. I'm fucking marvellous(!)
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52That was the hair specialist at Great Michael Street Hospital.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Get lost.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Look, you were the ones who thought I was dying. I never said it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10You told Samantha you had Peterson's disease.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13There's no such thing, is there?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17There was no such thing as Parkinson's until the first person had it. Think of that!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You acted like the transplant was serious!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Jesus, Eddie, it is serious!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23I mean, I don't want to go bald!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26You of all people should know how that feels.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Why?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Well, you know. Cos you're...
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- What?- Well, you're...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37What, you really don't get what I'm saying?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Maybe, if I ever lose my hair, I'll be able to sympathise.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43But right now, Don, I'm hopping mad.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You have to tell them the truth!
0:16:46 > 0:16:52Oh, I know, I know. You know, when Sam said she was sorry for being mean to me I felt really guilty.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56At least I think it was guilt. I've never really felt it before.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's like a weird, twisted, knotted feeling in my stomach.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Shit, I hope it's not Peterson's disease!- Donald!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I don't want to go back to being hated.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Dying is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12She could be up there right now looking up Peterson's on the wiklepedia.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Oh, don't worry about that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"It's a stomach thing.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17"No-one really knows too much about it yet.
0:17:17 > 0:17:23"Doctors say it's likely caused by all that bad food he's eaten over the years.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28"Symptoms include lack of energy and general laziness.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"It is fatal. Fact."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34That's the great thing about Wikipedia.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37You can write any old bull crap and once it's online, it's fact.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I mean, you should see what they say about Dude, Where's My Car. Scandalous!
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Don? OK. I hope you don't mind, but I've just been on the phone to Brian...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- I do mind, actually.- No, listen.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Look, we've decided that we want to throw you a bit of a party.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Really? A party? For little old me?
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Yeah. You can invite all your friends, everyone that you know.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Only if you're up for it. We just wanted to show you that we cared.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- But I'd understand if you don't want us to cause a fuss. - Hey. I love fuss.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Go ahead and cause some.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08OK. Right, I'm on it!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, please.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Please? No-one's ever thrown me a party before. Please?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20We'll just have this party tonight, and then tomorrow I'll tell everyone.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Please? Please?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27I was really looking forward to my own farewell party.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Hundreds of people telling me how great they think I am.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40# Love like yours will surely come my way... #
0:18:40 > 0:18:42There he is.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- I thought you said you were going to invite all my friends.- I did!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50But it's just you lot. And Jason, my boss from work.
0:18:50 > 0:18:56- Don.- I called all the numbers in your phone. All six of them.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Oh, by the way, I tried to get in contact with Abby,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- but apparently she's on her honeymoon.- She got married?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Yeah, sorry.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I'll get you a drink, big guy.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15And there was me cursing your name today for not showing up for work.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Imagine how I feel.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Really, really bad?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Yeah, you should.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Look, you don't need to worry about coming in.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26We'll send you your last pay cheque, and we'll include today.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Yeah, you might want to keep the job open though, yeah?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- No, but you're... - Well, you never know.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- There you go, soldier.- Cheers.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44For death begins at life's first breath.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47And life begins at touch of death.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- What the fuck?- Er, it's from a poem by John Oxenham.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It's one of my favourites, actually.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Well, here's one.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Take my hand.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00We'll make it, I swear.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh, oh, oh.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05We're living on a prayer.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- Isn't that...?- Jonathan Bon Jovi.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Yes, it is. Great, great man.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11BOTTLE TAPPING
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Would everyone like to take a seat?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Erm, I'd just like to say a few words.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26We wanted to call some of your friends to gather some stories from across your life. But...
0:20:26 > 0:20:27You don't have any friends.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29No!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, not exactly, no.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I mean, you haven't been that great at keeping in touch with people.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39But look, I'm sure if we had more time,
0:20:39 > 0:20:45then we would have been overflowing with lots of guests and lovely, lovely sentiments.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Well, I haven't known you long, Don.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58But this I do know - you're a great guy. Really.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Interesting, a little complicated, but funny and endearing.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Look. I'm not going to sleep with you if that's what you're suggesting.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10I mean, a threesome with her, maybe. But not just the two of us!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Does anybody else want to say anything about Don?
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Eddie. You must have some sweet memories that you want to share with us.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Er...- You'd bloody better have!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28How about when you first met?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30OK.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I remember when I first met Don.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37He said to me, "Hug me again and I'll kick you in the prick".
0:21:37 > 0:21:39He's right. I did.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Right, well, that was a beautiful story.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Well, what about you? You must have one.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- You've lived with Donnie for a while.- Donnie?
0:21:48 > 0:21:53- You must have had lots of fun times together?- I, er...
0:21:53 > 0:21:58What about that time the two of you shared a hotel room at that wedding? That must have been lots of fun!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00There, you see.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03So, what happened at this wedding?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Well, to be honest, Bri, there's just been so many moments, you know?
0:22:13 > 0:22:18- There's too many to pick from. It's just been one big laugh, right, Sam?- Yeah!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Come on, let's go and get some food.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23You betsy!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- This is all wrong, you know?- I know!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35This party was meant to make me feel better about my life. Not worse!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Well, your life's not bad, Don.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Eddie. I've achieved nothing.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I'm a fully-grown adult and I've never had a proper relationship.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I've never had a proper job. And I've never had a proper beard!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47But you're not actually dying.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- There's still time to get these things.- It'll never happen.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I mean, I'm just not hairy enough.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57I can't hold it in any more, Don. I'm just not built for lying!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Shut up!
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Shh, let me think.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I mean, there must be a less harsh way of telling them.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07You know, something to soften the blow? Hmmm...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Right, I have something to tell you all.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It's quite a difficult thing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Very emotional. So, I thought it best that I put it in song form.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21- Better be good.- Thanks. - Well, that's wonderful, Donnie.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's not going to upset us, is it?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I really, really hope not.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28In fact, you could even promise me that you won't get upset? How about that?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I can't promise that, Don.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Shit.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34OK.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Ready?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Two, three, four.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41# Now that you know that you'll miss me when I'm gone
0:23:41 > 0:23:45# Will you forgive me for things I may have done?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Say yes
0:23:47 > 0:23:49# Yes
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# Say yes, Don
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# Yes, Don
0:23:53 > 0:23:55# Say ooh-eh, ooh-eh
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# Ooh-eh, ooh-eh
0:23:57 > 0:24:01# Lions and tigers and hippos and fowl
0:24:01 > 0:24:04# They can't forgive each other cos they're animals
0:24:04 > 0:24:05# They don't know how
0:24:05 > 0:24:09# That's what makes us humans so great
0:24:09 > 0:24:13# We can forgive each other when we make a mistake now
0:24:13 > 0:24:16# I better tell you that I have been lying
0:24:16 > 0:24:20# I might have let you all believe that I was dying
0:24:20 > 0:24:21# But I'm not
0:24:21 > 0:24:23# But that's great
0:24:23 > 0:24:27# Oh, it's something that we should celebrate
0:24:27 > 0:24:31# Lions and tigers and hippos and fowl... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Don!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Erm... What did you just say?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39# Lions and tigers and hippos... #
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No, no. Not that bit, the other bit.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44The bit about you not dying.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I'm not actually dying.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52CLOCK TICKS
0:24:54 > 0:24:59Hmm, never noticed how loud that clock is before.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You gigantic fucking twat.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I deserve that. I do.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Now, let's celebrate.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Here's to not dying!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12You prick!
0:25:15 > 0:25:19You are absolutely fascinating.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well, I liked it.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31# Lions and tigers and hippos and fowl... #
0:25:33 > 0:25:37I felt so guilty, and I only had myself to blame.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42So I did the decent thing, and spent the rest of the evening hiding outside.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What are you doing out here?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Staying out of your way.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I know you probably loathe me right now. And I don't blame you.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I just feel so stupid, Don.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I believed you hook, line and sinker.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I mean, at first I wasn't sure.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I thought, "Maybe he's making this up."
0:26:00 > 0:26:04But then I thought, "No, not even Don would stoop that low."
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I'm sorry.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Really, I am.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I'll do anything to make it up to you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14You know, the reason I lied was because I was really enjoying spending time with you.
0:26:14 > 0:26:20But whenever you and I start getting on, you've just got to go and screw it up. Royally.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26We haven't hung out at all since that time we almost... You know?
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Well, yeah, but I've been busy with, you know, uni, and stuff.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Don't you regret that we never... You know?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42It would've been a mistake if we'd... You know.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Not necessarily.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Look, I'm with Brian now.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52And there's no point in us having this conversation, so...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I'll see you later.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Sam?- Yeah?
0:27:01 > 0:27:05There is actually something I need to tell you. Something very serious.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- This better be a joke.- It's not.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It's actually pretty bad news.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13That specialist I went to see?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16He told me that my hair's receding.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Why does no-one care?!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:30 > 0:27:33E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk