0:00:02 > 0:00:07- 'I got asked for money by a beggar today.'- Spare some change? - 'I did what any normal person does.'
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hmm, sorry. 'I pretended I didn't have any.'
0:00:09 > 0:00:13'It's weird. It's totally acceptable to not care about homeless people.'
0:00:13 > 0:00:16This programme contains some strong language
0:00:17 > 0:00:21My husband's just had a heart attack. Can I use your phone to call an ambulance?
0:00:21 > 0:00:25- Hmm, sorry.- I've just been fired. My wife's left me for another man.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29- Please, tell me it's be going to be all right?- Hmm, sorry.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- GUNSHOT - Argh! Don, Don!
0:00:34 > 0:00:35My arm! It's on fire!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Do something!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Hmm, sorry.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Look, Don, Brian's away for the weekend and I'm desperate for some sex.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44No strings, no-one needs to know.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45What do you think, can you help?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Hmm, sorry.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Well, enjoy the coffee then, you prick.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Some of us can't afford a nice mocha frappa-choco-chino,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58with hazelnut syrup, extra cream, and tasty broken biscuity toppings!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Well, it's just your average latte, mate.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Don't worry about him. His interpersonal skills aren't great.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- He's terrifying, isn't he? - Who, Pete Doherty?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Nah. He's harmless. Just never got the basic rule of begging -
0:01:10 > 0:01:14don't frighten the person you're asking for money.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Yeah. Have this.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22- Oh, thanks.- Oh, right, I see. What, you've give her some, have you?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24What, cos she's a bird? You're a sexist.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I'm just going to...urm...
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Please don't hurt me!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- He had the biggest knees I've ever seen on a person... Huge! - How do you know?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Well, cos I just saw them in the flesh.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57- Shit, I've got to go and meet Brian. - Has he asked to see you after class?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You joke, but he has said that to me before.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04- During sex. I quite liked it. - Eurgh, I don't want to hear that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- He's an excellent lover. Very attentive.- Stop it. - Why does it bother you so much?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12I don't want to know what Uncle Bri's like in the bedroom, thanks.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I certainly don't want to know he's some brilliant quim ninja.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You still don't like him, do you?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19If you gave him a chance and went out with him,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22you'd be surprised at how much fun you'd have.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Hang on, "quim ninja"? That is disgusting, Donald.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28All right?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Oh, hey. How's it going?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Not bad, considering.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- Pete Doherty's stopped being such a dick.- Well, that's good news.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Yeah.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- I'll see you later. - Yeah, see you around.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Aw.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46What?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- Were you just flirting with a beggar?- Don't be ridiculous.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- What was all that about, then? - I was just being friendly.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I gave her some money the other day. She's a nice person.
0:02:56 > 0:03:02I suppose, underneath all that dirt, she's kind of attractive. Oh, my God, do I fancy a tramp?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Even by your standards, Donald, that is phenomenal.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06You going to ask her out?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Seriously?- No, don't do it seriously.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Crack a joke. Break the ice.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18Right, as much as I would love to stick around and witness a bit more hoboerotism,
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I'm going to go.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Adios.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25See ya later. Hmm.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Oh!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Can we help you?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh, guys, you've met Susan, then?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Hi. Sorry, I didn't realise that you had...er...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49friends...over.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- Mmm.- I'm Susan.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Hi, I'm Sam. Oh, this is Brian.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I've run you a bath.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Oh, thanks. I cannot wait for this. It's been ages.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Just give me a shout if you need anything?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10So...
0:04:10 > 0:04:11What do you reckon?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- Why have you brought a tramp into our house?- Hey, that's not very nice!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19She might not be a tramp. It might be a...new look that's going round.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- No. She's a tramp.- Seriously, what are you playing at?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I mean, you're not Richard Gere saving Julia Roberts.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30- A - Roberts was a prostitute, not a tramp.- And B?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35There's no B. Just A. It's strong. Anyway, you were the one who said I should ask her out.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Oh, my God, Don, that was a joke.- Oh.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Oh, well, I did. Because, well, you know, I don't judge a book by it's cover.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yeah, because you don't read books.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Well, I think it's noble of you, Don.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51- Really?- Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54You don't think there are "issues" here?
0:04:54 > 0:04:59There are issues at play. The fact that you feel the need to pick up a girl who has serious self-esteem...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- I knew you couldn't resist. - How did you ask her out?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Well...
0:05:03 > 0:05:08'Shortly after you left, I decided to take your advice and introduce myself.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10'But it was harder than I thought.'
0:05:10 > 0:05:13What am I doing? 'I mean, how do you chat up a tramp?'
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Don, you dickhead.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- Are you all right? You seem a bit lost.- Er, no, no.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Hey, listen, I was wondering...er...
0:05:21 > 0:05:25whether you wanted to go out for a drink sometime.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Or maybe go in for a drink.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Seeing as you already spend a lot of time out.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Is that meant to be funny?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36'After a bumpy start, I convinced her to have a drink with me.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38'Turns out we've got loads in common.'
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I love Super Tennent's!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42'We're similar in so many ways.'
0:05:42 > 0:05:47- I mean, I haven't washed in days. - Me neither. 'We love the same sort of music and films.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49'I even took her to the cinema.'
0:05:49 > 0:05:50It's a Costner triple bill.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55All the W's. Waterworld, Wyatt Earp, Wolves, Dances with.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57We don't have to stay for all three.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01- 'And we ended the evening in the park.'- I haven't been treated like this in a long time.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03'Looking up at the stars.'
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Sorry I was frosty when we first met. - That's all right, I'm used to it.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I'll be honest, I thought you were only interested in me for my money.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I was.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Oh, yeah.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Oh, hang on.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23You don't mind, do you?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Are you fucking insane?- What?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I like her, OK? She's funny and thinks with her balls.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I love chicks like that. I mean, that's what I liked about you...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41wan.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Who's Ewan?- Oh, just some...girl
0:06:45 > 0:06:49with a guy's name I used to really like.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Don't analyse it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# That's why the lady
0:06:55 > 0:06:57# Is a tramp
0:06:58 > 0:07:01# Oh, yeah, is a tra... #
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Sorry, I was expecting Susan?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Man, you look so different out of your work clothes.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Yeah, I'm afraid the bath's going to need a really good scrub. Sorry.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Don't apologise.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Eddie will be chuffed to bits.- Who?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh, he's a friend of mine.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22He absolutely loves cleaning things.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I know, he's mental in face.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29So, listen, if you want to stay tonight, then that's...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32..cool.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34One, two, three.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Where's Eddie? The bath needs to be...
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- replaced, probably. - He's looking after one of his other patients tonight.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I wonder what his other patients are like?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50So, Ron? Pam? Mrs Preacher? What would you all like for dinner?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I'll have a full English, please.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- It's ten o clock at night.- So?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I've got a craving for fried eggs and shit.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58And shit?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00So, what's with the shots?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Well, I'm bored, because Brian is upstairs marking papers...on a Friday.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- So we took it upon ourselves to finish the bottle. - Good enough reason.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- So how is the hobosexual?- You're not going to let this one go, are you?- Yeah,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15cos you never make jokes about Brian, do you?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18When have I ever made a joke about Brian?
0:08:20 > 0:08:25What was it like during the Blitz? She's dating her dad. You grew up in the '50s, didn't you?
0:08:25 > 0:08:30Having trouble lifting that? They're not father and daughter. Surely she's more your age!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- All right. I get the point. - One, two, three.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40My God, Dobby, you didn't even wince.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Too old for wincing.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46MUSIC PLAYS FROM DOWNSTAIRS
0:08:53 > 0:08:58ALL: # Sweet Caroline, ba-ba-ba... #
0:08:58 > 0:09:01DON HUMS ALONG
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Oh! - # Sweet Caroline... #
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Oooh. Erm...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Are you off?- Yeah, I can't really concentrate.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Oh, well, join us? Come on.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- If he wants to go, he wants to go. Jesus, ball and chain, right, Bri? - Er, no. You continue your fun.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I don't mind heading off.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29No, no, no. Don't be stupid.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30It's time for bed anyway.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34How can I resist those eyes, eh, Don?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It doesn't look like you're trying.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I still don't get what she seems in him, eh?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Aw, I love you, Gollum.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Well, a little bit.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Are you going?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Sorry, I didn't want to wake you.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You crawled into bed very late.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, man. I got wrecked.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I know. You peed the bed.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09What?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13It's all right.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I've slept through worse.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Oh, yeah.- Look, Don, I appreciate you letting me stay last night, but I think...
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Hey, look, you don't have to go. Why don't you hang out with me today?
0:10:23 > 0:10:28I've got work later, but we could go and grab some lunch before or do some shopping.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- Really?- Yeah. It's about time we got you out of these clothes, young lady.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I mean, not get you naked.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Put you in other clothes.- It's all right. I knew what you meant.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46MUSIC: "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Ready?- Yeah.- Get rid of your gum.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Let's go.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03You see this woman over here?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Yes.- Do you have anything in this shop as beautiful as she is?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I think we're going to be needing more people helping out.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20You see, I'm going to be spending an obscene amount of money.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- How obscene, exactly?- I'm talking...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27..really offensive.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33# Pretty woman
0:11:33 > 0:11:35# Walking down the street
0:11:35 > 0:11:37# Pretty woman
0:11:37 > 0:11:39# The kind I like to meet
0:11:39 > 0:11:41# Pretty woman
0:11:41 > 0:11:45# I don't believe you, you're not the truth
0:11:45 > 0:11:50# No-one could look as good as you
0:11:56 > 0:11:59# Oh, oh
0:11:59 > 0:12:01# Pretty woman. #
0:12:01 > 0:12:04'That afternoon I took Susan to the art centre to show her where I work.'
0:12:04 > 0:12:07This piece here is by an artist called Tobpy Cream.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09That's "Toby" with a silent P.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I don't really like Cream's work. It's pretentious.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Aren't you meant to say it's great? You know, cos you work here?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Yeah, yeah. But between you and me, I think it's bullshit.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- What do you think of that one? - Bullshit.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- That?- Bullshit.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Is that bullshit?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28No, that one works on several levels.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Why do you work here, Don?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Well, I do the late shift so I don't have to get up early.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Don?- Oh, hey, boss.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42What have I told you about using this place to pick up women? Group tours only.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Er, Jason... DON CHUCKLES
0:12:45 > 0:12:48This is Susan. My girlfriend.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Girlfriend? You don't mind, do you?
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- I know we haven't done sex yet, but...- Even if that's the case, I'm afraid she'll have to leave.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I can't have you distracted... even more.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Oh, I know what this is about.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I get it, yeah. It's because she's a tramp, isn't it?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- What?- Don!- Don't worry, Jason, she's not going to start begging everywhere.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- Seriously, Don.- It's all right, honey, I'm not embarrassed.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I am. You just called me a tramp.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Oh, sorry, sorry.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21What's the correct term? Beggar?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23No? Hobo?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- No?- Vagabond?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah, drifter? That's kind of romantic.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- I thought you were a nice guy.- What?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Susan! Did I say something out of turn?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Vagrant? - Ooh, yeah, that's a good one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Down-and-out? - Hang on, hang on, it's my go.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Panhandler?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- Gypsy?- Nomad?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Didicoy?- All right, you win.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Susan!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54COMPUTER GAME BEEPING
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Come!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Oh, hey.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Sorry I left like that earlier.
0:14:04 > 0:14:10- Sorry I called you a tramp. I just want to be honest with everyone.- Why?
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Well, hopefully people will think I'm cool and modern for dating a tramp...didicoy.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19That's not a reason, Don. I mean, are you into me, or the idea of me?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Ooh, I dunno. What's the idea of you like?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25What I mean is, are you prepared to start getting involved in my life?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Meeting my friends?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Yes. - You'd be up for meeting my friends?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- Yes.- All right.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Tonight. I'll take you out.- Great.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Great.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Really great.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42'I mean, what could be so hard about hanging out with her friends?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43'They're still people,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47'doesn't matter that they're tramps...er, I mean drifters.'
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Wow. This is great.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- I feel so... free, man.- You want to try it in winter, mate.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Shit, yeah. It must be tough.- Depends how much of this you've had, you know.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02There you go. Go on.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Cheers.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Oh, my God, is that Bob Hoskins?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Mmmm, mmm. Yummy, yum, yum.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20It's really tasty. What year is that?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- I didn't say drink it all!- Oh...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Don.- Sorry, sorry. I just...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Oh. It was just so nice.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Here.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Thanks.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Eh!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42GUITAR STRUMMING
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Yeah, I play a little.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49- I've written one about Susan actually.- Aw! Play it.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Oh, I dunno, I'm a bit shy. - Don't worry, Don, you don't have...
0:15:52 > 0:15:56# She said you never want to come back to my place
0:15:56 > 0:16:00# Only ever go back to yours
0:16:00 > 0:16:05# I want to go back to mine sometimes
0:16:08 > 0:16:12# She said you never want to hang out with my friends
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# We only ever go out with yours
0:16:15 > 0:16:20# I'd like to hang out with mine sometimes
0:16:20 > 0:16:21# And I said
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# That's because you are homeless
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# And you live on the streets
0:16:31 > 0:16:33# And your so-called friends
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# Just other tramps that you meet. #
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Wow, I've never earned money from my songs before, that's amazing.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Look, 14p.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Cock-a-doodle-Don!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Morning, kids.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Last time I saw you, you were in trouble with Mr Brian.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03- Did he give you a detention?- No, but we did have amazing make-up sex.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Eugh. Must be weird going out with someone old enough
0:17:06 > 0:17:09to remember when colour telly was invented.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Thanks, Eddie.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16You change when you're with him. You know that? He makes you less fun.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Just because he doesn't like getting off his head
0:17:19 > 0:17:25- and watching clips of people eating their own feces on YouTube does not mean he's any less fun.- Hmm.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Was a funny clip, though, eh?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31A cake made of poo, and then serving it to someone for their birthday.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yeah, it was pretty funny.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Oh, if you made an effort with him, I think you'd like him.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- I make an effort. - When have you ever made an effort?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47How is that making an effort?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I went the whole night without making fun of his age. Huge effort.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Just ask him out for a drink.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And then what? Fuck him?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You know, he likes you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Finds you...fascinating.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01God knows why.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05All right, I'll go out with him.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10- For you.- Aw.- But Eddie comes with, cos I need a friend there to soften the blow.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Oh, I love it when you call me a friend. Gives me a fizzy tummy.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- Urgh. I've changed my mind, you're not coming.- Oh.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Well, I'm sure you and Brian will have fun on your own.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I've changed it back. You can come.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Aw. Can't wait.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Oooh.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Right. What's everyone having? Beer?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- I'll have a milk, please.- Bri?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Pint of lager?- Er, I don't drink, Don. You know that.- What, never?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39- Nope.- Not even birthdays?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- No.- Weddings?- No.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Bah Mitzvahs?- No.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Christmas?- No.- New Year's, surely?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- No.- Christenings?- No.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49- Funerals?- No.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52What if you'd accidentally killed a child in a car crash
0:18:52 > 0:18:57- and you were really, really cut up about it?- No!- Oh.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I guess you don't drink, then.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02This is going to be fun.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Oh, hi.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Didn't know you were in.- Yep.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- Just me, Treacher, and Saw 3. She loves it, for some reason. - SCREAMING FROM TELEVISION
0:19:13 > 0:19:15So...how are things with you and Don?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Fine, I guess.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Is it just me or is he a bit of a dick?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- It's not just you. - He's a bit of a dick.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- We're kidding. He's a good guy. He's just...- A bit of a dick.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Look, will you tell him I said thanks?- Yeah. Of course.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It was nice to meet you both.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44FRONT DOOR CLOSES
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Doesn't bode well for Don, does it?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I hope he and Brian are getting on OK.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Oh, Christ, I can't handle this. Eddie, get a tray of Sambuca shots, will you?- Abso-lulu.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Don. I've told you...- Look.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17We're only doing this because of Sam, right?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21And I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think I can handle being in your company sober.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- That is actually very rude. - You're having a great time with me? That what you're saying?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28All right, fair point.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32The only thing that is going to fool us into thinking we get along
0:20:32 > 0:20:35is my best friend here, Sir Samuel of Buca.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37There you go. Yes, and you Eddie.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Come on, it's about time we got drunk together.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43It's no use, Don. Alcohol doesn't have any effect on me.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- That's why I don't drink.- Bullshit.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Ready? Go!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Ah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53So...um...
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- how's it going with...Susan, is it? - See? It's worked.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02We're like best friends already! Yeah, it's going pretty good, thanks, Bri.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06You know, I've never been with a woman where I know, for certain,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- that I'm the catch. - What if you decide that you're no longer into her?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Splitting up would mean throwing her onto the streets -
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- a huge amount of responsibility. - I hadn't thought of that.
0:21:15 > 0:21:21- If there's one thing I know about you, Don, you loathe responsibility. - He's right. I do.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- The longer you go out with her, the harder it'll become. - What are you going to do, Don?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I know.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Cos you're filthy
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# Ooh, and you're gorgeous... #
0:21:33 > 0:21:36So how is this going to help with Susan?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40It's not. But it'll just help to take my mind off things for a bit.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- Here, Bri, if you want a dance from one of the girls, just give them these tokens, OK?- Wow.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Looks just like real money but with naked girls on.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Yeah, but remember, it's not real.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57They're Titty Tokens.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00We'll have the same again, please.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- Steady on, we haven't drunk these yet.- Don't listen to that cock.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Bring us more! Now!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Come on.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You're telling me you don't feel a thing?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18No.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20But you've done 12 shots and drunk six pints.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- You must feel something? - I told you before, Don.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Alcohol doesn't have any effect on me. Never has.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28You two are like a married couple.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The subservient wife
0:22:30 > 0:22:32and the insecure yet overbearing husband.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36We are nothing like a married couple, thank you very much.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Ooh, who's driving home tonight, sexy pants?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Technically, I am over the limit.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44About time. Jesus, woman, it's hardly rocket science.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Bri, Bri. Look, calm down.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- How much for a dance? - I'm a waitress. I don't dance.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Well, you clearly want people to think of you in that way
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- otherwise you wouldn't dress like a slut.- Right.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Brian, you've really changed!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I'm afraid I'm going to ask you gentlemen to leave.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- Ooh, did you hear that, chaps? The gorilla can speak!- That's it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Oh, you want to wrestle, do you? All right, fine. Bring it on!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Bring it on! Come on!
0:23:13 > 0:23:18Oh, my God, I've created a monster!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Right, you stay here, OK?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Don't move until I get back. OK?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- You betsy.- Right.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31You're a cliche! You know that?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33A walking, talking cliche!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Bri, come on. Let's just go.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Oh, look, another monkey. I'll grab a typewriter, shall I? We can see if that Shakespeare theory is true.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43You're like a clever yob.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- We can take them, right? - What?!- I do judo, did you know that?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You might do Judo, but they do kicking people's heads in.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- On three. You with me?- No!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- One...- What?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Two...three!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01DON WHIMPERS Jesus Christ! Oh, God! I'm so scared.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04'I know, heroic, eh?
0:24:04 > 0:24:08'But I wasn't prepared to get beaten up just because Brian can't handle his drink.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14'But then I started to imagine Brian getting torn apart by those bouncers.'
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Oh, bollocks.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Susan?- Oh.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Hey, Don.- What's going on? What are you doing?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Why aren't you at home?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- This is my home.- What do you mean? - Look, I dunno how to say this,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37but things just aren't working out between us.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're dumping me?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43You were only dating me to feel good about yourself.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I was just a trophy girlfriend.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Trophy girlfriend? This is ridiculous.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You don't want to get involved.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53You don't like my friends.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I love your friends. I love them.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- Why are you ignoring us, then? - Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01You know, you all kind of look the same.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03No, no, that's not racist...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Look, I care. I do.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Here. Here you go. Yeah, get yourself a panini or something. There you go.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Is this a joke?- What do you mean?
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Titty Tokens? What are we supposed to do with Titty Tokens?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Shit, it looks so bloody real. - Look, Don, just go, will you?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23But I...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31If you're not going to use those...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Cheers...thanks.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Come on! Look, as if they'd let you in!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41They have a very strict shoe policy...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Fine.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53DOORBELL
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Oh, hello, Brian.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02So who are you today? Jekyll or Hyde?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Don, I'm so sorry.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I have absolutely no idea what happened.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You were a maniac last night.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I told you I didn't want to drink. It sends me loopy.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- I stopped drinking after my 18th birthday.- Was that VE day?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Ha-ha-ha(!) Me and my pals drank a ton of cider.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I ended up shopping at Tesco's.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- What's so weird about that? - I was naked.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ah.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Have you been out all night? - Yeah. I woke up on a curb.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Aw, I used to date a girl who did that.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- Susan dumped me. - That's good, isn't it? Weren't you looking for a way out?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Don't you see? She'd rather live on the streets than go out with me.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46It's the cuss of all cusses - dumped by a tramp.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Don, is Brian with you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Don't tell Sam about last night. Please.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I don't know. I don't like lying.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Yes, you do! You love lying!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Hey, guys, how was last night?
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Have you only just got in?
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- You'll never guess what Brian got up to last night?- What?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05He slept on the sofa.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07In his clothes. He's nuts.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Hello.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Oh!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Sambuca?- Yeah...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14We all did one little shot. Just for fun.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Huh.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19So where's Eddie?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, shit!
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I promised my friend Don I wouldn't leave here until he got back.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Ooh, do you want a hand with that?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:57 > 0:28:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk