0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07'What's so great about him?'
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Well, he's smart and reliable.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12You sound like you're describing a car.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14You know he likes you.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Finds you...fascinating.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19SHE YELPS AND LAUGHS
0:00:22 > 0:00:27I've really, really loved hanging out with you for the last few days.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Yeah, me too.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31You're going to propose to her?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Yes, I'm going to pop the question at my birthday party.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38- Why don't you go and tell her?- It's fancy dress. I don't have a costume.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Sorry, who are you meant to be?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42We're Riggs and Murtaugh, you know, from Lethal Weapon.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45What if she doesn't feel the same? It'll be awkward living with her.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50- Well, it doesn't matter. If she says yes to him, she won't be living here.- What is it?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Brian's about to propose to you.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Don!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20So, come on, did he propose?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Yes. He did.- And what did you say?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I said I'd think about it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- So, "no" then.- Not necessarily.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well, "think about it" hardly suggests "yes", does it?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32No, it suggests I'll think about it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34It must be killing him.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I bet he never thought he'd find someone like you at his age.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Oh, Don, that joke is getting old! - It's not the only thing getting old.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, you are so annoying.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45No wonder your only friend is Rain Man over there.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Oi, cheekbones, that's not very nice.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51He's not my ONLY friend.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Anyway, Eddie might be a bit half price, but he's nothing like Rain Man.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- AMERICAN ACCENT:- I'm an excellent driver. Excellent driver.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Look, I'm just saying, either you love Brian, or you don't.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I just want to make sure that we'd be doing it for the right reasons.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09We've only been together for a few months.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Yeah, but at his age, time goes all skewiff.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16It's like that dog years thing. When you're older, a year can seem like a week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Or is it the other way around?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- You know, you're not so young yourself.- Yeah, but I'm not OLD.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25No, it's just your receding hairline that makes you look it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28How could you be so evil and hurtful and spiteful?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Of course, I get my underwear from K-Mart. From K-Mart.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- What are you freaks up to? - Just having a little line run ahead of tonight.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42'Eddie belongs to the local theatre club.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45'He's been in several productions since he joined.'
0:02:47 > 0:02:49You can say it backwards, you know!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Which is docious-ali- expi-listic-fragi-cali-repus.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00There's just one more thing. My wife loves ya!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Why would I kill the man in the same way I wrote about it in my book?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Nick?
0:03:06 > 0:03:11We're doing Rain Man this week. I'm playing the Dustin Hoffman part.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, I love it when I get cast against type.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14SHE SNEERS
0:03:14 > 0:03:17You are coming tonight, aren't you, Don?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20To the theatre? I'd rather stay at home and staple-gun my dick to my balls.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25But hey, look. We don't have a stapler,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27so of course I'll be there.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I've got a stapler I'd be happy to lend you.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Shush your mouth, Gollum.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38'And so that night we all went to see Eddie in his silly little play.'
0:03:38 > 0:03:44Amtrak train number 36, the Desert Wind, eastbound, now boarding, track number three.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Very shiny train.- It sure is.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Now, listen, I'm comin' to see you in two weeks. How many days is that?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Fourteen days from today. Today's Wednesday.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Course, that's 336 hours.
0:03:56 > 0:04:0120,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Ray, I'll see you soon.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Yeah. Bet one for bad, two for good. - Bet two for good.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- Three minutes to Wapner. - You'll make it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17TRAIN WHISTLES
0:04:19 > 0:04:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I will not wear that thong, Louis Walsh!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Outstanding. Puts Hoffman to shame. - Talent like that is so attractive.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36I'd really like to fuck him.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Strange. Does somebody need their laundry doing?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You were really enjoying yourself up there.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55You should be so proud of yourself, Eddie. You were brilliant.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You all enjoyed it? You didn't think it was amateurish?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Eddie, it made me cry.- Yeah, all right, Bri. It weren't that bad.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Because I was so moved. It was a wonderful piece of drama.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Yeah, and the women in the audience adored you.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You reminded me of a young Justin Hoffman.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I think you mean Dustin Hoffman.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13No. Justin Hoffman!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18He's the town drunk who shouts at pigeons outside Tesco's. You're right, he does a bit.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'm not sure how to take that, Dot.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23The poor man's an actual retard.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25OK. Night, everyone.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Oh, and well done... Justin Hoffman.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Right, better quickly get all this washing on.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Eddie, this local theatre club of yours?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Uh-huh?- Can anyone join?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Abso-lulu. Anyone from the local community, that is.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46When do rehearsals start for the next show?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Next week. There's a rumour we're doing Cocktail - The Musical.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Rain Man? Cocktail? What, is it some sort of Tom Cruise season?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Exactly. Some sort of Tom Cruise season.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I wonder if they'll do Eyes Wide Shut?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Oh, no, no, no, no. We tried that a few months ago.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Didn't go down at all well.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10AUDIENCE: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!
0:06:10 > 0:06:11This is an outrage!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13SEXUAL MOANING
0:06:13 > 0:06:15BOOING
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Right, I want to join. What do you reckon?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21But you hate the theatre.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You said you'd rather staple-gun your penis to its balls.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Look, Eddie, theatre's like male masturbation.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Fun to do, hideous to watch.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I saw all that attention you were getting back there.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35There's something about men expressing their gayness on stage
0:06:35 > 0:06:38that gives women a fizzy vagenie. I don't know why.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39But can you act?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Since when did acting have anything to do with it?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's about star quality, Eddie.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Not acting. Just take a look at some of the greatest screen legends of the last 30 years.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, that French Mastiff from Turner and Hooch.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57All terrible actors, yet utterly mesmerising.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Man, that dog was good!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02OK, Don. You can come along.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04But please, no horseplay.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Sorry, horseplay?- Yes, horseplay.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- You're actually genuinely using the phrase horseplay?- Yeah.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Jesus, Eddie. Sometimes I think you're from the turn of the century.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- What, the year 2000? - No, no. The one before that.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24'I was very excited about becoming an actor.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28'And I needed something to take my mind off the whole Brian and Sam situation.'
0:07:28 > 0:07:33A special round of applause to Eddie and Randy for their extraordinary performances in Rain Man.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Oh, thank you. Thank you.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Really, there's no need for applause.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I'm just like you guys.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Well...a bit like you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Rain Man was a triumph, but now on to our next production, my sweet little puppets!
0:07:51 > 0:07:57Now, I have been thinking long and hard, and I've decided that our next production will be...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Wait for it...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Top Gun - The Musical!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Er, excuse me. Excuse me. Over here.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Don't you think we ought to wait for the director to arrive before you start deciding what's what?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, right. Good idea. Yes.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Top Gun it is, then.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Don. That is the director.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Now, I sense a few newcomers...
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, guys, sorry.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Has no-one else noticed that he's...?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Well, you know he's, er...
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- I'm not sure I see what you're saying.- Exactly my point. No?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, never mind. Jesus!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Before we start divvying up the roles,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47why don't we just loosen up and start with some exercises, OK?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49So, on your feet, come on, come on.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Excuse me, er... Don Danbury. I'm new.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Ah, always a pleasure to have a newbie in the troupe.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00A fresh puppet to place my proverbial hand inside.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I hope proverbial means you won't actually put your hand inside me?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Ha, ha, how funny. I'm Simon Simon Smith.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Nice to meet you.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Hang on, Simon SIMON Smith?- Correct.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13What, your first name's Simon and your middle name's Simon?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Yes. My mother had a stutter. What can I do for you, poppet?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Are you sure Top Gun's the right way forward here?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- What would you suggest?- I dunno. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Been there. It was a travesty!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I told them we should never have done it on ice!
0:09:26 > 0:09:31I mean, how was the character in the wheelchair meant to know how to ice skate, huh? Answer me, Donald!
0:09:31 > 0:09:32I don't know.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Theatre games!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37'Was I being stupid? I mean, how does a blind man direct a musical?'
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I get what you're saying. About him.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It's weird, innit? No-one else seems to have a problem with it.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, I've got a problem with it, all right.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I wish his type would just go back home.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Where do blind people come from? Oh...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56See you in a minute.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Time to reveal who will be playing whom.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Please be Maverick, please be Maverick.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Yes! I'm Tom Cruise.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I'm Tom mother-loving Cruise.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, right. I'm Goose.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I feel the need.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- BOTH:- The need for speed!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I wonder who's playing Charlie? The Kelly McGillis role. She's really fit.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31As in sexy, not healthy.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I'm just saying she looks nothing like Kelly McGillis.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40This is community theatre, Donald.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43What if the community don't buy me and her as a couple?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Fuck the community, then! Fuck them all. This is my production.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Too many times has the community interfered with my work.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I should never have done Cuckoo's Nest on ice. A boy died that night!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54All right. I'm sure it weren't your fault.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I was the one who skated across his jugular.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- You were in the show? - Yes. I'm in all my productions.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Holy batty sleeves.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Actually, this tete-a-tete is quite useful.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I'm playing Iceman, you see?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Let's use this tension.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Let's use it!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18My God, Don, you look just like Cruise.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Well, thank you very much.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- I want to kiss you on the mouth. - What?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25On with rehearsals, my rancid little puppets!
0:11:28 > 0:11:34# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say
0:11:35 > 0:11:40# Take my breath away... #
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Wonderful. Exquisite. And now Margaret.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47# Take my breath away... #
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Good. Now Maverick moves in towards her. Come on, Don.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56In for the kiss. In for the kiss, Don! In for the kiss!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- All right!- Kiss her.- I'm going to!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Kiss her, please. Kiss!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Kiss her.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04And...
0:12:08 > 0:12:09And cut.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11THUD
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Tea break?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I can't feel my arms.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Because, Goose, you're the only goddamn family I've got.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Goddamn family.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26SHE SMIRKS
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Oh, look, Noel Coward's back from the dead.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Ha-ha-ha. Funny. Not sure who that is exactly, but it's funny.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Right, finished with the jokes? Good.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Check this shit out.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I have just landed myself the lead role in the theatre club's latest production.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Congratulations, Don.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Thought it was time I got myself involved in some challenging theatre.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Top Gun - The Musical. It's hardly Chekhov, is it?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, ha-ha-ha.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You are so naive, Samantha.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Top Gun's all about the subtext.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Some of it's very Chekhovian. - Do you even know who Chekhov is?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Not a clue. Was he the bad guy in Beverly Hills Cop?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- No.- Who am I thinking of, then?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Berkoff.- You berk off!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing it, it'll be good for a laugh.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Top Gun's not a comedy, Samantha.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15- Do you want tea?- Yes.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I'll just have a hot water and lemon.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Better keep an eye on this little fella, being on stage and whatnot.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27There's some jammy doughnuts in the cupboard, bring them in. Good girl.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Psst. Don. Over here.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Can we have a quick mano-a-mano?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I hope that's not slang for sex.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44No, no. It means a one-to-one.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Still sounds like sex.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I need some advice about Samantha.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You want advice? From me?
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- All her other friends are students at the university where I teach. You're the only one left.- Right.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00- Am I being a dick?- I don't know. But I'm desperate to say yes. - Waiting for Sam like this.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Give her a chance to let the kettle boil!- No, no. I'm talking about my proposal.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Ah, yeah.- It's been almost two weeks since I asked her.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11When I push for an answer, she says she needs more time. How much does she need?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Either she loves me or she doesn't. - Well, that's what I said.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- What does it look like to other people? - Like you've landed on your feet.
0:14:17 > 0:14:23Well, look she's funny, smart, good-looking, intelligent, genuine, fit.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Oh, man, I would love to have sex with her.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Is what people probably think.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Which is good. It's a compliment.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34So I shouldn't just walk away?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Because, well, I've been thinking about it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Honestly, Bri? You wait as long as it takes.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Because if you walked away you'd be a making a terrible mistake.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51And believe me, I know a lot about terrible mistakes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Thanks, Don. You're a really good guy, you know?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Well... - I don't care what other people say.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02What do you mean, "what other people say?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:07OK, listen up, puppets. I have some terrible, terrible news.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Margaret is in hospital.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Apparently she'd been having trouble feeling anything in her arms all day,
0:15:15 > 0:15:20and last night lost control of her car and drove into a shop. Splat.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24And so there is a strong possibility she will not be able to perform tomorrow.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Yes! Yes! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I mean, oh, poor Margaret. I hope she's all right.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Which means that we need to find ourselves a new starlet, otherwise this production shuts down.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49- Either that or we go the Shakespeare route and I'll play the love interest.- What?! No, no.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You're playing Iceman.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Are you questioning my ability to dupliact?- No?- Good.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Then find me my local ingenue or fetch me my frock. You decide!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Please choose the frock.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06We need to find a new leading lady quick sharp.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- What are you going to have? - I'm not sure.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Say "ah."- Ah.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22SHE MOANS
0:16:39 > 0:16:42What's up with you? Someone stolen your corset?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44SHE SMIRKS
0:16:44 > 0:16:47They'd bloody better not have.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49We've got a problem with the show.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Is the problem called Top Gun - The Musical?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Do you mind? Jesus, I never give YOU grief.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00The lead actress has pulled out.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Why?- Well, she's in a coma.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Right, well, she hasn't exactly dropped out, then, has she?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Well, she's hardly going ahead with it, is she?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm having trouble finding a replacement.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Needs to be a girl, obviously.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Someone from the local area.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Preferably someone sexy.- I'll do it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Resist, resist, resist. I can't.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I said, "someone sexy".
0:17:27 > 0:17:30She needs to be confident enough to get up on stage.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It would help if she was blonde.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Mid 20s-ish.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Maybe if her name was like Anne, or Pam,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44which is short for Pamantha, I believe.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Do you know anyone who fits that description?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Nope.- Oh, go on. You'd be perfect.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Not as good as I'd be.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Shush, Gollum, adults are talking.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I don't even know if I can act, Don.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58You'll be in perfect company. Nobody in the show can act.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Oh, go on. I don't want to do kissing scenes with Simon Simon.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Wait, there are kissing scenes? - No, no.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- I'll think about it, OK? - OK, yeah. OK.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17So, what do you reckon? Are you in?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Thanks for doing this, by the way. You have totally saved the show.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Sorry, are you running lines?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I think I'm going to say yes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Really? In which scene?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- No, to Brian.- Oh.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Why?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Because I do love him, Don.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Yeah, but are you IN love with him?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I just want to be with somebody who's not going to let me down.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Right. Someone like me, you mean?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57No, that's not what I mean.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59OK. Two minutes, puppets!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Samantha, you're confident that you remember everything, yes?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- Yes, I think so.- Think? Think? I need you to know, my dear!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08OK, I know.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And Donald, you remember what I said earlier?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Look, I told you before, I don't want you to give me a pre-show blowie.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- No, not that. Earlier, before that? - Oh, right. Er?- Come on, puppet.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22The secret to great acting?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25The golden code to a truly mesmerising performance?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Oh, yeah, yeah. Say the words from the script.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Correct. Now fly, my puppet!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Take to the stage! You've got it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You're sure I can't give you a quick pre-show blowie?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54You are a hell of a pilot, Maverick.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57So I am going to write a dream ticket.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01You two jokers are going to Top Gun.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- # We're flying to...- Top Gun!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- # We're flying to...- Top Gun!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- # We're flying to...- Top Gun!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- # We're flying to...- Top Gun!
0:20:17 > 0:20:18- # We're flying to...- Top Gun!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22# Top Gun! Top Gun! Top Gun! Top Gun!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25# My name is Maverick
0:20:25 > 0:20:27# And I'm a maverick pilot
0:20:27 > 0:20:29# Pilot!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31# My name is Goose, and I'm a...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34# Goosey pilot
0:20:36 > 0:20:38# My daddy was a fighter pilot too
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# But I never met him because he died when I was small
0:20:41 > 0:20:46# And I'm living in his shadow
0:20:46 > 0:20:48# Shadow
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# I'm living in my dead daddy's shadow
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# He's living in his dead daddy's shadow
0:20:54 > 0:20:58# Shh-shh-shh-shadow. #
0:21:10 > 0:21:14APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I'm a guy. And you're a guy.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21And there's tension between us. Can you feel it?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# We're guys Guys in the showers
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# We're guys Competing with each other
0:21:26 > 0:21:27# We're guys
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# Not gays
0:21:29 > 0:21:30# But guys
0:21:32 > 0:21:37# We're very manly and definitely not homosexual
0:21:37 > 0:21:42# Well, maybe just a tiny little bit homoerotic, oh!
0:21:42 > 0:21:48# We're just guys who really love to shower with other guys
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# Guys G-U-Y-S
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Guys Guys
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# G-U-Y-S Guys. #
0:21:55 > 0:21:57APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:08BANG
0:22:19 > 0:22:23No, Goose! Don't leave me, Goose!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25No!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31# We're changing the set now We're changing the set
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# We're changing the set now We're changing the set
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# What are you doing? We just told you
0:22:36 > 0:22:39# We're changing, we're changing, we're changing... #
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- That was amazing! - Really? I wasn't too over the top?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43No. It was amazing.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Quick, it's the big scene!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:54PIANIST PLAYS "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"
0:22:59 > 0:23:05# Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game
0:23:08 > 0:23:14# On this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame
0:23:18 > 0:23:24# Turning and returning to some secret place inside
0:23:28 > 0:23:33# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say...
0:23:36 > 0:23:40# Take my breath away
0:23:40 > 0:23:44# Hey, hey
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# Take my breath away
0:23:49 > 0:23:54# Hey, hey... #
0:24:24 > 0:24:25What's going on?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- They're still kissing.- Oh.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33HE PLAYS FINAL CHORD QUICKLY
0:24:33 > 0:24:35APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# Fly, fly, fly, fly
0:24:44 > 0:24:49# You can fly, fly, fly, fly
0:24:49 > 0:24:51# You can fly with me any time
0:24:51 > 0:24:53# In time
0:24:53 > 0:24:55# Time
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# You can fly with me any time
0:24:57 > 0:24:59# Time
0:24:59 > 0:25:00# Time
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# You can fly with me any time
0:25:03 > 0:25:04# Any time
0:25:04 > 0:25:06# Any time you like! #
0:25:06 > 0:25:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18BOTTLE SMASHES
0:25:23 > 0:25:27I don't get it. I played Tom Cruise, and yet he still gets all the attention.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30He had the death scene. You can't top that. Death scenes.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Simpletons. Blacking up. He's an awards magnet.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Can I have a word?- Yeah, of course.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I always thought you'd be shit on stage.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Great. Thanks, Gollum.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45But you were quite good, actually.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh. Thanks, Dot.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- I can't believe how much fun that was.- You were amazing.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Oh, thank you.- You always are.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Look, I was going to wait until we got back, but I want to tell you something.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Me too.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01OK, well, you first.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Ah. How do I say this?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I saw you up there with Don. You were really convincing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- Yeah, but we were just acting, you know that, right?- Were you?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yes.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Even if that kiss was just acting,
0:26:16 > 0:26:22even if you considered him to be just another actor, and not Don.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Well, you still had more chemistry with that person than you do with me.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I watched the way you both kissed and thought,
0:26:28 > 0:26:33"She has never, ever kissed me like that."
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Don't be sad.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Better we found this out now, hey?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I'll leave you all to celebrate.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57More washing. How exciting!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Puppets! I'd like you to meet my beloved wife.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Er, sorry. Wife?- Yes, wife.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Everything OK, Samantha?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Ah, Samantha, my heroine.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11You are truly a talent. And what chemistry you and Donald have.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12You must do more together, you must.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Well, I do keep trying to tell her, Simon Simon.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19But I think she'd rather act opposite Uncle Brian.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Actually, where is Bri?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Erm, he's gone. He had to leave.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28Well, I would like to propose a toast. To Donald and Samantha.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31The perfect Maverick and Charlie!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Cheers!- Cheers.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Cheers!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Cheers.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46# Times, we've had some good ones
0:27:46 > 0:27:50# Lines, we've drawn a few
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# But it's gonna be all right
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# Yes, we're gonna be all right. #
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:01 > 0:28:04E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk