0:00:05 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:13- Remember when we were in Portugal? - Yeah. They were amazing times, man.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I'll never forget a second of it.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Remember when I lent you them 100 euros?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- No.- Yeah, you do.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23OK.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Look, I'm skint.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I've got a week before I sign on.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29All I've got to my name is 50 quid.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32It's what they call an economic downturn.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33So, I'm calling in all of my debts.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35I don't carry euros.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36I'm on probation.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I don't want euros. I want pounds.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39What?
0:00:39 > 0:00:43You can't lend euros and expect to get paid back in proper money.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45All right, well, we'll see what the exchange rate is.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48The "exchange rate"?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49What's that?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Some sort of international system of relative currency values?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Yeah.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Oh. Well, I can't pay you right now.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Well, when can you pay me?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03That's anybody's guess.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06If you had to guess, when would you guess you could pay me?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Next year?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It's February! I need it now!
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- You see, this is what happens. - What do you mean "this is what happens"?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18This is what happens when you lend people money.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Woah! Careful, Carol.- Sorry, Keith.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You know, I've really enjoyed living here.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Oh, me too, kitten.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Obviously, this flat has got some sad memories, too.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I'm thinking mainly about us being held hostage here.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Me getting my ear cut off.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04But then, it is in a great location.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28All right, Moz? Good time? Bad time?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Erm, good time, please.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42We're on our way to see the woman who makes my costumes.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44German Barbara.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49She's making me a mountie outfit out of peacock feathers.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51What an obviously good idea.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52So, are you two...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55..boyfriend and girlfriend?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59It's more romantic than that.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I'm his girlfriend and I'm his manager.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- You're managing Silicon Valets? - No, just Jason.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Silicon Valets have split up.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11I don't need you in the band.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14You'd be lost without me and my minimoog.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17What? If I want to record songs, I don't need musicians or instruments.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I don't need a studio, recording equipment or microphones.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22What you going to use? Your knob?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'll download my songs into peoples' brains.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26You are such a big nut job!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Do you know what? I am sick of your negativity.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Yeah? Well, I'm sick of your nut-job-ativity!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'm sick of the pair of you.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39If you're splitting up, have the decency to buy two lots of weed
0:03:39 > 0:03:40and fuck off.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44So, you got the Jason end of the stick?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He's already got a new band together.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Thank God. What you called?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Becausemonauts Three.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56The Becausemonauts Three.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It's like cosmonauts,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03but it's spelt with a "because".
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And the three's in Roman numerals.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I love the simplicity of it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13With a name like that, you can't help but be massive.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Jason's already medium-sized,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18so getting massive shouldn't take too long.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20What's Lee doing?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Is he a happy medium size or is he thinking of downsizing?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Lee's retained ownership of the Silicon Valets brand,
0:04:27 > 0:04:33but Jason still receives 33 per cent royalties on any future product bearing the band logo.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36And I retained the rights to my own action figure.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41I couldn't think of owt worse than somebody else controlling an army of dolls with my face.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Pollen,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Afghani Black,
0:04:50 > 0:04:51skunk.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I want you to sell it for the same prices as last time.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Me and the gang have been having a bit of a think.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I've been thinking like a bastard.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And the thing we've been thinking is,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05we think it might be time to...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10..take a break from, you know, ganging.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13What else could you do?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17I mean, what transferable skills have you lot got?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19We're scared, blud.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21We're not scared.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22We're just...
0:05:24 > 0:05:25..wary.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Wary of what?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28The Red Mist.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32The Red Mist? That's just a myth.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39A nerve gas that makes you think communist thoughts?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Of course it's a myth.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's a gang.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46A big gang.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51They started out as one family of gingers called the MacCreedys.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Three brothers and a dad.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59They were Burnley's Hardest Family 1988,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01'89,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03'90,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05'92.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07What happened in '91?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09They all had bad colds.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12But soon, loads of other gingers
0:06:12 > 0:06:16started coming from all over the country to join them.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20And then they became the Red Mist.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Nobody knows how many of them there really are.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Some say 30.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Some say 31.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Cartoon Head reckons there's 3,000 of them.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36My mum says every single ginger you meet is a potential killer.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Now, table is cleaner.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Cleaner, but not clean.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- What more could we hope for?- Hey, we're going for our scan tomorrow.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07Oh. Hey, I wonder if the nipper'll look Japanese or Derrick-oid.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10On the scans, they all look like fat skeletons.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Anyway, they won't look like me because we used a donor.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, right. I didn't know.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Was it an anonymous donor or...? - No. It was Fist.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Fist?!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27But he's a violent, psychopathic vicar.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30But he has got a very high sperm count.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34So, why didn't you go DIY?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37We try, but Derrick's sperm is very disappointing.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40They have all got bent tails.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- It's a classic design fault. - And they are very, very small.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46All sperm are small.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Derrick's sperm is too small.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Excuse me.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01So, you think the Red Mist want to stop us from selling weed?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03They stabbed me.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04It hurt.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06A bit.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh. What's that?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Oh, Stemroach did that one.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Remember? With a Gurkha knife?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24HE LAUGHS
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I was clinically dead for the afternoon.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33But they can't just come into town and take things over.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I mean, look who they're dealing with.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Psycho Paul.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Precisely. And Cartoon Head.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Surely you're not scared of a few gingernuts?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You're right, Nicki.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50This gang is diamond hard.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53We've got brain power...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56..and we've got kill power.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Hiya.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11This is my book group.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Paul, Xavier, Cartoon Head, this is my sister, Jess.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Hiya. So, what are you reading?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Right. What do you think?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I love anything with spaceships in.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Well, I think we should call that it for today, lads.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Laters, Nicki.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Thanks for reading us the story.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Bye.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Everything all right with Yoko?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15She seems a little bit mentally, mentally?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I was wondering if you'd noticed the mentally thing.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Pregnancy can be a challenge. Especially for the man.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Nicki used to eat sacks of coal and belt out Shirley Bassey numbers.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Then there was that two weeks
0:10:27 > 0:10:30where she believed she could see through people's shoes.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Fist-o.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Hey, listen. You remember that 90 quid I lent you?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yeah. I tell you, there's nothing as expensive as having a baby.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yeah, I know, but...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12The IVF costs a fortune to begin with.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Then there's so much stuff you've got to buy.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Cot, clothes, bedding,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21buggy, nappies, nappy sacks,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24zinc ointment, wet wipes.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28So, if there's any way I can repay you, you let me know.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Well, you can repay me by repaying me.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33How do you mean?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Pay me back the 90 quid.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Well, you know, if you ever get desperate.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I'm desperate now.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- I mean if you get really desperate. - I AM really desperate.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49OK. Well, if I think you might look like you're about to crack,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I'll pay you back in dribs and drabs.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55How about one big drib or one big drab? I'm not really fussy.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Think we're about packed up, now, Keith.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12There's only one more thing I need to take with me - Bug-a-lugs.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh, Keith. I know you're upset,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17but sometimes you just have to say,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21"That mouse with my new ear on its back has gone".
0:12:21 > 0:12:25No, Carol. I've lost one ear, I'm not losing another one.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27My mouse trap will do the job.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Hi, Carol. It's Moz. Dad in?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Hello, Moz. Come in.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Yeah. We're just about to launch Keith's new mouse trap.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Oh, and here's me in informal dress. - All right, son?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Keeping busy, I see.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Listen, I'm skint. I need that 100 quid I lent you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Me paying you back isn't that straightforward.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Really? Cos you taking it off me seemed very straightforward.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02If you're skint, you should start dealing drugs again.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04What sort of fatherly advice is that?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I don't want to be a dealer.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09There's no pension scheme and the health and safety's a nightmare.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Before I pay you back, I've got to pay back 200 quid to Dribbly Bob.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Well, who cares about Dribbly Bob?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I'm family. You should pay back family first.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Family should be prepared to wait longer to be paid back.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23How do you reckon that?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Keith's right. Family wait longer to be paid back.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I waited two decades to get a fiver back from our Beverley.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And who knows how long you might have to wait?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You know, me with my terminal wasting disease.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39There's nothing you won't do to push the sympathy button, is there?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I'm not after your sympathy, son.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46I'm just a poor, 68-year-old man, with a blind girlfriend and one ear.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23There's no reason for you to drop round small amounts.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Cartoon Head, hi.
0:14:30 > 0:14:44It's nice to see you again. Coffee?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Oh, how sweet.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00EERIE MUSIC
0:15:26 > 0:15:32The thing is, our kid, I'm down to the bottom of my savings and I'm calling in my debts.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Right.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Right, and you want me to be your strong-arm man,
0:15:36 > 0:15:37in case any of your debtors kick off?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40They're not going to kick off.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43This isn't Miami Vice. These are my best mates we're talking about.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45You can't trust them.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Your best mates know all about you. They know all your weaknesses.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52If you've got any sense, you'll live in fear of your best mates.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Mark my words, they'll all try and wriggle out of paying you.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- You owe me 300 quid. - No, I don't.- Yes. You. Do.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I lent you 300 quid.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Don't remember this.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05December 23rd? Last year?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Don't remember this.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Your signed IOU.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Don't remember this.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Me giving you the money.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20All a bit circumstansh, isn't it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23That could be a photo of me handing money to you.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26It's a movie.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27I, Moz...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31..am officially lending you, Troy...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33..£300.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Go on, say your bit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:44I, Troy, promise to pay back 300 of your hard-earned pounds,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46or may God stab me to death.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48World without end.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's such a small screen, Moz.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Very difficult to tell what's going on.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I want paying back. So, let your wallet flop out.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I've been in prison.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01You were in there for four days!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Four days I won't easily forget.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Look, if I pay you back I'll have to borrow money off someone else,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09and you wouldn't want me to be in debt.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I already owe Flu-Strength Darren 400 quid and two chicken kormas.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And korma's legal tender now, is it?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Forget Flu-Strength Darren! I'm family and you pay back family first.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25No. Family wait longer to be paid back. Everyone knows that.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Come on. I'm skint and I'm your brother.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Half-brother.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Well, pay us back half.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And toss in a peshwari nan.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I can't.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Look, you've brought this on yourself by lending me money in the first place.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- I'm well aware of that, thank you. - Look, I'd best get back to selling the Big Issue.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What, are you homeless now?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47No, no. I'm selling them on eBay.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Vintage Big Issues from the '90s.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Last week, I sold a mint condition issue three for two quid.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56What are you, a digital tramp?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Well, if you want to make some dosh, you've got to sell some stuff.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Like what? All them copies of The Watchtower I've been hoarding?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Well, what about your records?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Bet you've got a few rare twelves in here, eh?
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Hey, have you still got that white-label by Baron Von Bloke?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I Am Your Legs? Yeah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18One of them went on eBay for 120 quid.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Shit.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Chasm Juice - that worth anything?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Chasm Juice? Erm, tenner?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Tenner.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- I'll give you a tenner for it. - You are such a crap liar.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's worth a fortune, isn't it?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39About 300 quid.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Jesus! You're right.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I should have a sort through this lot.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I could be sitting on a gold mine, here.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I could end up richer than the bloke who invented sex.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- All right, filth? - How do, Troy? What you up to?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14You know, bit of eBay, bit of breaking and entering, touch of mugging.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Good lad. Catch you soon, yeah?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31So, I arrested him for vagrancy.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And then, when he was questioned, down at the station,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38turned out he was a big bag of washing.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- What happened?- He got six months.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Bit harsh.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47No sense taking chances.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49So, have you...
0:19:51 > 0:19:52..heard from Jenny?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54No. Have you?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56No.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58She's not answering her calls.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I know. She left her mobile behind.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Listen, speaking as a policeman...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11..don't you reckon that if you lend somebody money
0:20:11 > 0:20:13they're duty bound to pay you back?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Yeah, no two ways about it.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Exactly, no two ways about it.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21While we're on the subject, I need that 50 quid back.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Eh? What 50 quid?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- I lent you 50 quid.- Did you?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Definitely.- When?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- A bit ago.- How much of a bit ago?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Let me check.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37HE SIGHS
0:20:39 > 0:20:44There you go. November 4th, lent 50 quid to M.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47M?
0:20:47 > 0:20:48I'm not the only M.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Can't you think of some other Ms? Who could it be?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Emily?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Emma?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58My dad?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59I think it's you.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I think you are M,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and I claim my 50 quid back.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05- I'm not M.- You are M.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Are you absolutely sure you can't think of any other Ms?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Who else might you have lent money to?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Hey, we ask the questions.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I thought it was a social call.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You saying I should've phoned my solicitor?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Maybe I should phone my solicitor.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's just, well...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Fifty quid's all I've got. - Fifty quid's all I want.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Don't make me fine you as well.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39EERIE MUSIC
0:21:46 > 0:21:48BUZZER
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Hello?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- It's Moz.- Oh, hi, Moz. Come on up.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Hiya, Tilly.- Hi.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Thanks again for offering to help us with this.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I wouldn't know how to stick something on eBay.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I know you don't use actual glue.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16That's right. I'll open an account for you, we'll get everything posted.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You've still got to post it? I thought the computer did that.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24Don't worry about it. Listen, I just made the most awesome coriander and prune soup.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You've got to try some.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Have I?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It's not like other prune soup you've tasted.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34There's never been other prune soups.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I'm so glad you're here, I've been feeling so jittery.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I think there's somebody in the apartment.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Could be a soup side-effect.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45This stuff is so good for you, it's sick.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Yeah, it looks like, erm...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I'm just going to pop and use your loo.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55OK.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03This is all happening very fast.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Scream if I want to go faster?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35EERIE MUSIC
0:23:40 > 0:23:43SHE SCREAMS
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Hi, hi.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Brian! What the hell are you doing?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I'm stalking you. You should be flattered.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You're in my bed!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'd like to know a better way to collect your pubes.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56What...? Was it the soup? It was the soup, wasn't it?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Brian? What are you doing in a woman's bed?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Isn't that like matter meeting anti-matter?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09He's been hiding in my apartment this entire time. He's stalking me.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Why?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Cos I am a charismatic maverick with 20 years of avant frocks behind me.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- This is not my first stalker.- Oh?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20This behaviour is unacceptable.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- I think that's a big part of the appeal.- You're amazing.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Have you seen your Wikipedia entry? It says,
0:24:25 > 0:24:30"Her confrontational couture makes Vivienne Westwood look like a special-needs Laura Ashley".
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Really? That's incredibly insightful.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- I wrote it.- Really?- Do you need a PA?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Possibly.- Do you really want to be putting your stalker on a wage?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Oh, I should go. Peter Andre's doing a personal appearance down Asda.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I thought you were stalking me.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Yeah, I'm going to see him in an ironic way.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- See you.- One minute you're in, the next minute you're out.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That's the thing with Brian.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55He's got the attention span of a fruity fruit fly.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Oh, God. No!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- I'm so sorry. - Ow, shit. Hot, hot, hot.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06I am so sorry, but it's 100 per cent organic, all-natural ingredients.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08It might be OK. I'm sorry.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12300 quid's worth of Chasm Juice down the drain.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17This is it. This was my last chance of making any cash.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Shit, what am I going to do?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Hi, hi. Oh, Ziggy Stardust.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I'm Jake. Are you open?
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- How much is it going to cost? - 50 quid for half an hour.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08100 quid for an hour.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12And I can personally guarantee a very happy finish.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Half an hour, please.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18You won't regret it, sailor.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Hola.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Better make it an hour.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- Evening, Brian.- Hi, hi. - Evening, Carmel!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Ah, Clouseau.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11There you go. Nice weight of black.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Nicely, nicely.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I'll easily shift that.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I've nearly sold all that pollen you delivered on Monday.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Looks like good black.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31It's got bite.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35It's got plenty of spirit.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Busted psychotherapist from Clayton-le-Moors.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Oh, by the way, I need that 500 quid back.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46They're taking over the whole city.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48They don't want anyone to know we're seeing each other.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49I'm Jake!
0:27:49 > 0:27:53We spoke on the phone. I threatened to sue you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- You've killed a man. - The perfect crime.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- This is total war. - He's been having another affair.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- I could always bust her. - Oh, no, Plastic Face, I won't.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- Please.- Perfect crime.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:26 > 0:28:30E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk