0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Carmel.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Carmel?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Colin?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50How did you get in here?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I've... I've had an accident.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57(GASPS)
0:00:57 > 0:00:59(SCREAMS)
0:00:59 > 0:01:02So you do still care for me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03What?!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Oh, for goodness me!
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Is that what it takes, is it? Eh? Three knives through the heart?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13(GROANS)
0:01:13 > 0:01:19Hi-hi! Oi, you! She don't want you hanging round bothering her. Get out!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Ooh! I were going to get one of those. They're good, aren't they?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I got us some more coffee
0:01:26 > 0:01:29and I went to that new gay bakery, The Hasty Pastry.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Got you some glittery flapjacks!
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I hope you like a big breakfast. That's star fruit and goat yoghurt.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Got any Frosties?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57I have quinoa flakes with crystallised alfalfa and cranberries.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00What about bacon? Even vegetarians like bacon.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Did you know that "alfalfa" means "the father of all foods"?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Did you know bacon's the motherfucker of all foods?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07And it's what I really fancy.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09This is really good for you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yeah, but is there an upside?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There is, actually, cos it goes great
0:02:13 > 0:02:15with either unsweetened parsnip milk or soya milk.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You can't rush a decision like that(!)
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Thanks for dealing with Colin.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22No problem.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I want you to know I will always be here for you.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Oh, I should go. - (KNOCK AT DOOR)
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Hi-hi!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Hugh, this is Carmel. Carmel, Hugh.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38In't he scrummy!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Hi! Nice to meet you.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42And you, yeah. Brian's told me a lot about you.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Your...rates sound very reasonable.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Not that he's interested in that kind of thing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Not that I'm interested in that kind of thing.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51He don't cycle both ways.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So, where are you going?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Hugh's advising me on what sort of bicycle I should get.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- I'm thinking top of the range. - I'm thinking top of the range.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Hugh runs that gay bike shop on Canal Street.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Homo Cycle Maniacs.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I thought you hated cycling.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Y-yeah, but the outfits are good, aren't they?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I don't really feel I can carry off the outfit
0:03:11 > 0:03:14unless I'm wheeling along a top-of-the-range bike.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17We do lesbian bikes too. Lots of baskets.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Some other time.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Come on! Let's meddle with some pedals.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Well, thanks for breakfast. It were a real...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30taste implosion.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31My pleasure.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Will I see you tonight? - Uh-huh!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I have to start setting up for your exhibition,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39but first we have to dismantle The Pottery Of The Perverse.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40The removal men have to come in
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and shift an eight-foot clay clitoris, if they can find it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Listen...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53..would you still like me if I wasn't an artist?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I've always liked you. You know that.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59But now that I know that you're an artist, I feel so much closer to you.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Why do you want to bother putting on an exhibition of my paintings?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12They look like a kid could have done them.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Hardly!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Hello, Derrick. Yoko.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Today you are walking down the stairs, Moz.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Ten out of ten for observation.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Coming in, then?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No, we're just going to score some weed off Nicki.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Nicki?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Well, I bought off you last time, so it seems only fair.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Yeah, but...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43..Nicki's sold out.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48On telephone, Nicki say she has £3,000 worth of cannabis.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Yeah...but there's been a rush on.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Whereas I, on the other hand, can offer you a wide range of smokables
0:04:55 > 0:04:57in a boutique-style environment.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Your pregnancy's looking very, er...
0:05:09 > 0:05:10..pregnant.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Thank you. - We're very excited.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14We are not excited.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Excitement is bad for baby.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Baby like to chill out.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Well, he's in right place for that.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25It's like he's in his own isolation tank.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Just so long as he doesn't suffer from claustrophobia.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32My family has no history with claustrophobic babies.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Good.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Good.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Can I offer you a cup of tea or coffee?
0:05:38 > 0:05:43I know Nicki don't do extras but I like to treat my customers as friends.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Even the ones who actually are friends.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Green tea, please.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49We only do brown tea.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Also I would like a glass of milk, three pieces of toast with honey,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57a ginger-based biscuit and any cake you possess.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I see Yoko's still a bit mentally mentally.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Yeah, can't do anything right for her. - In what way?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Everything I do just seems to irritate her.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09I mean you know me, Moz.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I'm about as far away from irritating as you can get.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Mm... - She doesn't like my tone of voice,
0:06:15 > 0:06:16she doesn't like my clothes,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19she doesn't like the way I come into a room, she doesn't like the way I eat,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21she doesn't like the way I leave a room.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23But...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I love it when you leave a room.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Cheers, mate, yeah. Wish I was married to you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Do ya?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, well, might be a bit late for that one.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I've met someone.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I'm so excited, Derrick. I've got to tell you.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I think I'm in love.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Bit soon, isn't it?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Don't you think you should spend a bit more time moping over Jenny?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46No, I've got to move on.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49You know, find the inner me, wave him about a bit.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Hey, think the lady in question might like me too.
0:06:52 > 0:06:59Wait. So you love her but you think she might like you. That's a bit weird.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01No, you wouldn't understand.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Have you slept with her? - No.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Are you stalking her? - No! God, I wish I'd never mentioned it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Sounds like it's all in your head, matey.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's not in my head.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Are you not even going to ask me who it is?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14No, it's wrong to pry.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15It's Tilly upstairs.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You are making it up.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53(SILENT SCREAM)
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Derrick, why do you come into the room like that?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13(KNOCKS)
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Well, I've got it all sorted.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27All what?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29This Friday,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I've arranged for a bunch of bobbies to bob round Nicki's and bust her.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Nicely nicely!
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Hey, just out of interest,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40what's going to happen to Nicki's house
0:08:40 > 0:08:42full of skunk plants in Broadbottom?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Will it be cropping up on Grand Designs?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47While the boys are busy doing the bust,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I'll be there having a quick harvest.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Ah!
0:08:50 > 0:08:55Then I sell it, then soon we're both knee deep in quids.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Not straightaway, though.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01If Red Mist get wind that you're big time...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04They have me head off and my neck stump stuffed full of Caramacs.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Precisely.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Where are you gonna store it? Under your hat?
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I reckon must be about half a tonne of skunk.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16We're gonna need a bigger hat.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18We'll hire a skip...
0:09:19 > 0:09:24..put it in police station car park with a tarp over it, should be safe enough.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I love this country.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33Here! Here, little man! Little ear mouse!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Come here. - (KNOCK AT DOOR)
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's Jake.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I was worried about you.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44You said you were in danger.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I've been in danger ever since I joined the Red Mist.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52The Red Mist? That's a myth.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56A scarlet fog that devours human flesh? Of course it's a myth.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It's a secret society just for gingers.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02They've got their own laws, their own rituals.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Rituals?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You mean...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07like morris dancing?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Worse than that.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11They're evil.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12So why did you join them?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Psycho Paul's gang nearly beat me to death.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And the Red Mist took me in.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Got me private medical attention, gave me money,
0:10:26 > 0:10:31flash apartment, a Porsche, really big iPod.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I can have anything I want. All I've got to do is ask.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38In, seriously? Why?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Cos I'm the perfect ginger.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Really?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Because I've met a few other ginger guys who are a little more...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53They treat me like a celebrity.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56One that people actually like.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Why? What's in it for them?
0:11:00 > 0:11:06After six months, I give it all up, hand myself over to the Red King...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09..as a human sacrifice.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And that six months is up?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Tomorrow.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Bummer.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25How's, er, Tilly upstairs?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Hey!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I told you - hands off.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I only asked you how she is.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34She's wonderful, as it goes.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38In fact, our relationship's going to the next stage.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41What? You going out together?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Just about to start.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Does she know that?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Yeah.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Are you stalking her?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49No!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51You are, aren't you?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- No! - I should hope not.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Cos I reckon if I have a bit of a Google, there's laws against that.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I'm not stalking her.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02It's actually...beautiful and romantic.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I nearly shagged her last night.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08I were willing.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13If I had a pound for every woman that I were willing to sleep with,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'd be a multimillionaire.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17All right, cockerfeller!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21POLICE RADIO: Gunfight in progress at the Arndale Centre.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Eh! I reckon I might pop along to that.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Sometimes you can pick up a nice little bargain in the chaos.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32I have to go.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Lots to sort out before my sacrifice.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37So you're just going to let them kill you?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I owe them my life.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Jake, promise me you'll run away.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Promise me you'll come with me.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Bye, then.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You mucky beggar!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54I'm Jake.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yeah, I know who you are and I know what you've been up to.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00That is my wife.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I really don't think it's a good idea for you to keep calling here.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07The clients don't come to be insulted.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Some of them do, but by me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I want to...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13..employ you.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14What?
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Three hundred quid.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21That's good for three hours of my wife's time, innit?
0:13:21 > 0:13:22It won't make you happy.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It will.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I want three hours' worth of happy, please.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30OK.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But you have to promise not to critify me.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I promise not to critify.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47So, how's life in your warden-assisted flat?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, ever so good, Moz.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55If you need anything sorting out, all you have to do is tell the warden
0:13:55 > 0:14:00and you go straight on that waiting list - no mucking about.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03It's smashing, kiddo. It's like living in a tiny, tiny palace.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Eh, I had a warden when I were in prison.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08For four days.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Prison's still prison, no matter how long you're in there for.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Hark at birdbrain of Alcatraz!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Dad's spent half his life in prison and he never mentions it.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Keith...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21..what's he mean, you spent half your life in prison?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25You told me you'd done two weeks for accidental arson.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I know, kitten, I did.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But Moz means for me charity work, you know, with me...
0:14:31 > 0:14:32..broth.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Broth?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39You hand out broth to prisoners?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Yeah, that, and I teach 'em how to make...
0:14:44 > 0:14:45..broth.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- CAROL: Oh! You're such a good man. - (HE MOUTHS)
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You'll have to cook me one of your broths.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Course I will, kitten.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55(HE MOUTHS)
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- (MOZ MOUTHS) - TROY: Hey!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Donna said she might pop round.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Donna?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Coming round here?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Not sure we're properly insured for that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Who's Donna?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Me wife.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I didn't know you were married, son.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Hey, congratulations!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17When was the happy day?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Eight years ago.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Not been many happy days since then, mind.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Eh? Me and Donna are enjoying a good patch at the moment.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- Really? - Yeah.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's been weeks since she stabbed me.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Aw! She sounds sweet.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32(KNOCKING)
0:15:32 > 0:15:36What's kept you? I've been stood here for pissing ages.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- You've only just knocked. - I shouldn't have to knock.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39You should be looking out for us.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Soz.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45All right, Donna?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47How're you doing?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I haven't seen you since that night you...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51headbutted your cat.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52You've lost weight, Moz.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Thanks.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Still fat, mind.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I'm Keith.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- I'm Troy's dad. - Troy says you used to be a twat
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- but now you're not so bad. - Did he? Thanks, son.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Hi, Donna. I'm Carol. I'm Keith's girlfriend.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Troy says you're blind as a bat.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10That's right. Can't see a thing.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You're not missing much. Telly's shite these days.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Hey! We went blind once, remember?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17When we got them E's off that scouser with one finger.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Now that were a proper night out.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Can I get you a drink, Donna?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I know they say it brings out the worst in people but...
0:16:28 > 0:16:29what've we got to lose?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Red Bull with Baileys and cider, ta.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Wine or beer?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's a good job someone were thinking ahead, weren't it?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Cider.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Baileys.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Red Bull.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And, for them what needs a chaser...
0:16:51 > 0:16:52..meths.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Why, ambassador, you are despoiling us.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00All right?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03(SHOUTS) Jess, it's Cartoon Head.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04JESS: Coming!
0:17:06 > 0:17:07What do you want?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Can I use your toilet?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12This isn't a service station.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Go on, then, but be quick.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Thanks.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Where're you two off to, then? - Not sure.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29It's not about where you go. It's about how drunk you get when you're there.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Yeah, well, you be careful. - Yeah, whatevs.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Hello.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You all right, blud?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Thought you'd never get here.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14So where d'you wanna go?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Zyklon B's is doing non-stop Future Skool and half-price vodka yoghurts.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Mm-hm...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- So... Sorry. - What do you want?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I want you home. Plastic Face wants you home.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I don't know how you can live with yourself.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I don't know how he could live with you.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42(GASPS)
0:18:44 > 0:18:47What are we gonna do?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49(GURGLES)
0:18:52 > 0:18:53No, Plastic Face!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Disembowelling's too good for him.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Sorry. - (GURGLES)
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Troy says since Jenny dumped you, you've just been moping around.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Haven't been moping around.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06In fact...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10..I've met someone else.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Oh, yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Who've you tricked into liking you now?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17No tricks involved. This is genuine magic.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Who is she, son?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Tilly.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23The American lass upstairs.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Oh, she's lovely.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I really like the feel of her chin.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Hang on. Didn't you tell me she was a lesbian?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Yeah, but...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38..the lock ain't been made that I can't unpick.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41So how long you been seeing this lucky lesbian?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- It's... It's early days. - So how long?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, even now it's just...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51..starting.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Even as we're speaking it's...starting.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- You stalking her? - No.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Sounds like stalking talk to me.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I'm not stalking her.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01We've been friends for months
0:20:01 > 0:20:06and now that friendship has blossomed into something...
0:20:06 > 0:20:07else.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Obsession. - Yeah!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- Love. - Calm down, son. Don't get het up.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I'm just pleased you've found someone you love.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Thank you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Does she love you?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21I don't know.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Oh! This is sounding a bit stalky now.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37But on the other hand, maybe it's too soon to start a new relationship.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Well, those outsider artists are quite fascinating, though,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- specially the overweight ones. - I know.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48He's not like anyone else I've ever met. He's part innocent, part criminal.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49A crimocent?
0:20:49 > 0:20:53I've been choreographing a dance piece about crimocents.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55(INTERCOM BUZZES)
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Hello. - Hiya, Tilly. It's Moz.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Hey, Moz, come on up.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I'll leave you two to it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Thanks. I'll see you at the private view.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08OK.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Hi!
0:21:09 > 0:21:10You remember Astrid?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yeah! Course! You're, er...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16..clever.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yes.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I've been helping Tilly hang your paintings.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Hanging's all they're fit for.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Oh, no, Moz. I'm not prone to exaggeration
0:21:25 > 0:21:27but I think you are a far greater artist than Picasso.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Cheers, petal!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Goodbye. Bye, Tilly.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Come on. Sit down.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- So how are you? - I'm sound.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47It's just... It's good to see you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48I know.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Thrilling times.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Thrilling times. Definitely.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56If I was you, I'd be getting very excited about my opening.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Your...opening.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Your opening.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I don't really have a...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Your exhibition opening. - Oh, yeah!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10- Yeah! - Course!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's very exciting. I'm thrilled to bits and pieces.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15This is going to change your life for ever.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Is it?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Think about it. You've been selling weed for most of your life.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Now, finally, you're going to be doing something honest,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26selling paintings like that for thousands of pounds.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# All right, happy now
0:22:32 > 0:22:35# All right, happy now All right... #
0:22:35 > 0:22:37You make me very happy.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Yeah?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40And you me.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47What about people who say you're too old to have a boyfriend my age?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56To those people, I say...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58fuck off!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00And I tell you another thing.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Your velvety clasp is proper comfy.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Is it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Good!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15# ...Happy now All right
0:23:15 > 0:23:17# Happy now... #
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Thanks.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23That really took me back.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Did you, um...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Did you enjoy yourself?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Sure.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Honestly?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I always enjoy myself.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Because I do most of the work and I know what I like.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Did I not contribute anything, then?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Was I just...ballast?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54What is ballast?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56It's... It's...
0:23:56 > 0:24:00It's something that holds another thing down.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Ah, OK.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Then yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Oh.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Well, I suppose there's good ballast and there's bad ballast, ain't there?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Of course. There's big ballast
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- and small ballast. - Shall we just leave it there?
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Why did we split up?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Because you took me for granted.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I would have expected that from my first two husbands but not from you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Your first two husbands?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48You know what, Tilly? I've been thinking about you all day.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I've been thinking about you every single second.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54You know, not in an obsessive way.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Oh, I'm flattered.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58I mean, you know...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01most people have been saying to me, "You're obsessed!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:02What people?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Idiots. - Which idiots?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Well, I told a few family members and then I told a few...idiots
0:25:08 > 0:25:10that me and you were...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- getting it on. - You've been telling people?
0:25:13 > 0:25:18Well, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I realise that now.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19I'm a moron. Look...
0:25:19 > 0:25:24It's fine. I've been telling people too. Most of them tried to talk me out of it.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- Really? - Mm-hm.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27That's great news.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35CARMEL: My first husband was a doctor.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Very rich, very respected.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42He was 40. I was 19.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44The mucky beggar!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46My family was very poor.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49When I married him, they didn't have to worry any more.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52But then he died in a car accident.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- And you inherited his fortune? - No.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58He left all his money to a lobster sanctuary.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Oh!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03My second husband was an architect.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Rich, handsome, famous.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10He was 50, I was 21.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12The filthy bastard!
0:26:12 > 0:26:13No!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16He was kind and gentle.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Treated me like a princess.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20But then he went bankrupt,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22committed suicide.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I lost everything, had to start working as a prostitute.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Probably better off without him.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Then I came to England, got kidnapped,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37lost my memory, met you.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41You tricked me into thinking we were already a couple.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47Then I fell in love with you. Ah, the rest you know.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Yeah.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- (ALARM BEEPS) - OK, time's up.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05(WHISPERS) Tilly.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08You're my muesli.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Muesli?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Not muesli. Muse!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Oh, wow! I've never been anyone's muse before, or muesli.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Mm, you're my first. - Mm!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Before we go any further,
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I have to ask again... are we sure we want to do this?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Abso-posi-lutely!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Tilly...
0:27:35 > 0:27:36what are you worried about?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I'm worried about our professional relationship.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Huh?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Our professional relationship. You're an artist. I'm your patron.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I don't know if I can sleep with you and patronise you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Don't worry.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52It's worked before.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01We have a warrant to search the premises.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05When the Red Mist descends, it always claims its victim.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- So I'm safe now. - (GUNSHOT)
0:28:07 > 0:28:07Ambulance, please.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- You need to sit down. - Quite exciting!