0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14SIRENS WAIL
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Come on, get down!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22The fire brigade are on their way.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Meet me there and we'll see if we can...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Yay!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Hey, Steph! It's Joel.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Er, just wanted a chat, you know, talk things through.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00It's not every day you get divorced. Er...
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Or maybe, in a way, this whole weird thing
0:01:04 > 0:01:06has brought us closer together.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08It's possible.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Call me back. Bye!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12SIRENS WAIL
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Hey, man.- Hey!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- How's it going? - I'm good, yeah. You?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Yeah, not bad. Can't complain.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- Not dangling off a railing. - Good, good stuff.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I can't help but notice you're chucking quite a lot of money
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- over the balcony.- Yeah.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Just wondering if you'd thought about maybe stopping doing that
0:01:34 > 0:01:36and coming to the pub with me and Tess.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Now you mention it, I haven't.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Come on, Joel.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Come inside and put the money away...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46into a bank account, maybe.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48It's my money,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I can do what I want with it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Just come in off the ledge.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Oh, come on, man.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Not the ring.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Don't chuck the ring.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Come on, you're not Frodo.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09This is an intervention! It's for your own good.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11If I want to be a dick, let me be a dick!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'm not going to let you be a dick because you're not a dick.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15I am, I'm a total dick!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17There's nothing you can do about it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02So, how much did you get in total?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Mmm...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Two million.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Like, there or thereabouts.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Wow.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12It's like I'm in the First Wives Club, it just feels wrong,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and like I haven't done anything to deserve it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Well, that's true.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Still took it, though, didn't you?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Two million's nothing to Steph,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21her hedge fund's going through the roof.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It was just a payoff to make her feel better about dumping me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28She said that she wanted a husband who'd achieved something.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Well, if she had told me what she wanted me to achieve
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- then I would've achieved it. - I'm not sure it works like that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- We got you a cake.- Ooh!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Happy divorce day, mate.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40It's a separation sponge.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Come on, guys, too soon.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Why? It's the best thing that ever happened to you.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51What?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Steph wasn't good for you.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Are you saying that neither of you liked my wife?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You pretended to like my wife for, what, ten years?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07We couldn't tell you how we really felt about her.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What if you ended up spending your lives together?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You probably wouldn't have talked to us ever again.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12What did you not like about her?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I'd tell you, but I've got to be back at work in 17 hours.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Getting disinvited from your wedding because I'm married to someone
0:04:17 > 0:04:20you went out with for a month in sixth form is happy memory.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh, my God.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23So...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25does everyone feel the same way?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28This is horrible!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32No, it's brilliant because you never have to see her again
0:04:32 > 0:04:34and neither do we.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I have fucked things up so fucking much.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42I've wasted ten years - no marriage, no house, no kids.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Nothing.- Well, if it makes you feel any better,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I've got no marriage, no house, no kids
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and I don't even have two million quid.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Kira. Yep, it's me.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Bit of a rescue mission, erm...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I've got to check Joel out of this hotel.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Can you make up a bed?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22It's been two weeks.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Yeah, but I said he could stay here until he got his shit together.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So I guess he'll be here for ever, then.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Look, I love Joel too, but there's got to be a limit, OK?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32And I think maybe we reached it when he finished
0:05:32 > 0:05:34the second tub of caramel ice cream.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38OK.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Hey, dude.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Back To The Future's about to start.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46We must've seen that 100 times in sixth form.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- You fancy making 101? - That sounds fun.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Listen, it has been great to have you here,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- it's been really great, but... - Are you kicking me out?
0:05:53 > 0:05:58It's more like I'm gently but firmly pushing you back into your life.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- I don't have a life. - Well, you could get a life.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Where from, the life shop?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Look at the positives.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06You're loaded and you can start again.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Like, find somewhere nice to live, meet someone new.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Do you mean date?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I don't date, I'm not a dater.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Well, according to your dating profile, you are.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"Trip-hop enthusiast."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You've got that Massive Attack CD.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25You set this up months ago,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28before Steph and I even split up.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Yeah, sometimes wishful thinking pays off.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Look at that, you've got a match
0:06:32 > 0:06:35and you've invited her out for dinner. That is so nice of you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- This is identity theft. - It'll be fun!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40No, it'll be incredibly awkward.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Yes, but luckily there's a widely available awkwardness cure
0:06:43 > 0:06:46called booze. Just play it cool,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date
0:06:48 > 0:06:50or that you just got divorced.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54This is actually my first-ever internet date,
0:06:54 > 0:06:55just got divorced.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So you're a rebounder?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Kind of.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02But not really, no.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Totally over it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06No feelings for your ex?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Well, look, I did have feelings for her
0:07:08 > 0:07:12but I talked to some friends and realised that those feelings
0:07:12 > 0:07:14may have been somewhat misplaced.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17They pointed out what a psycho you'd married.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19No. Well...
0:07:19 > 0:07:22She was just very busy and tired
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- and angry.- Hm.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I'd be angry if I was that busy and tired.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Probably wouldn't throw stuff so much,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32but she paid for it so I guess she's entitled to throw it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Yeah, well, we've all had our fair share of psychos.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40My ex, he used to hack my e-mails, voicemails and texts
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- every single day. - God, that is awful.- I know.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Yeah, he was convinced that I was sleeping around on him,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48which, I mean, I was sleeping around on him, but still.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Yeah, there's a principle.- Exactly. - Yeah.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Thank you.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01No offence, but I can't help noticing that you are American.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Yeah. I moved here for college. - BEEPING
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Cigarettes are cheaper so I never went back.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Oh, you've got a pager.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'm a doctor.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Oncologist, so pager makes it that little bit harder for them
0:08:14 > 0:08:16to get in touch with me.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17So, no emergency?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I guess we'll never know.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:08:21 > 0:08:23What game are you in?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I don't really have a game, unless you count Call Of Duty,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31which isn't exactly a career, although I am fucking good at it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36And you're new to the whole dating game?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yeah, pretty much.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Rule one, weed out the marrieds and the marry-ers.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Right, at the end of the day,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- it's just meant to be a bit of fun, isn't it?- Exactly, no strings.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Yes, bloody strings, getting caught up in everything.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Strings are for guitars and...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55..vests.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Anyway, I am totally up for anything.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Are you sure about that? - Absolutely.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07OK.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Why not? Let's do it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Ready?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Ready for what, exactly?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, I mean, are you ready to fuck?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18My shifts, they're all over the place
0:09:18 > 0:09:20so I really need to take advantage of these opportunities
0:09:20 > 0:09:22as they come up.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, we haven't even ordered yet.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Right, well, then, I suppose you have to ask yourself,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33what is it that you want out of life?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Do you want wild boar ragout
0:09:36 > 0:09:39or do you want dirty, filthy sex
0:09:39 > 0:09:42in the hopefully quite clean public rest room?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Well, should we order first?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It might be here by the time we're finished.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57SHE MOANS
0:09:57 > 0:09:59HE MOANS
0:10:03 > 0:10:04That's it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15PAGER BEEPS
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I guess I should probably take this one.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23But, erm...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I haven't finished yet.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Well, go for it, dude.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Plenty of loo paper.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36DOOR CLOSES
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Then she just wiped and walked.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Well, that's what friends are for -
0:10:43 > 0:10:46making you do things against your will that end with you having sex
0:10:46 > 0:10:47in a public toilet.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And then, when it was over, I just felt really guilty,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- like I've been unfaithful to Steph. - Oh, God.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57But after I had some pappardelle and a think,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- I mainly just wanted to do it again. - Yay!
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Right.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE
0:11:07 > 0:11:08What?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Welcome to the pleasure dome.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Something familiar.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22The posters...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26..the music...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31..the PS2.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34It's a tribute to Marshfield Street, remember?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37The flat we shared the summer we left uni.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It's amazing, huh?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Wow, you actually did this. - I know!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44This is properly, properly mental.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It's like a time capsule of the best three months of our lives.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51MUSIC OFF That was just before I got into AA
0:11:51 > 0:11:53and cleaned up my act. Those were my lost years.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56What, do you mean cos of all the times you lost me at footie?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Oh, it's like that, is it?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59HE CHUCKLES
0:12:03 > 0:12:06You know, when I said you needed to get a life,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I didn't mean the one you had 15 years ago.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Why not? I was really happy then.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Why can't I go back?- Cos you can't.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15You've got to move on, man. Live in the now.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Well, it's easy for you to say, your now is incredible.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Got an amazing house, a beautiful wife, gorgeous kids.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Must be great being a dad.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Yeah, it is.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29But it's tough, it's knackering.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31But it is amazing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32We're actually trying for a third.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh, that's great.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Don't know how soon we'll manage it, though.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41I haven't been feeling super well lately.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Touch of paradise syndrome?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46That is...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Itchy skin and night sweats and just feeling knackered all the time.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Have you been to see a doctor? - Yeah, I have, actually.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57They reckon it's Hodgkin's lymphoma.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59GAME PAUSES
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Hodgkin's...
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Isn't that cancer?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09We don't like to use that word.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11GAME RESUMES It's so negative.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Yeah, guess it is quite negative.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17So what did the doctor say?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Strongly urged me to start chemotherapy as soon as possible.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22GAME PAUSES
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Fuck.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26God, that's going to be tough,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30but you're still pretty young and healthy and...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I'll be there for you. We all will.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I'm not going to do it.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36You're not?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39No, I've discussed it with Kira, I'm going to heal naturally.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42OK.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Yeah, I've started acupuncture, daily enemas,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I'm on a macrobiotic diet.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- Juice fasting.- Oh, wow. That sounds...
0:13:51 > 0:13:52delicious.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I just wonder, talking off the top of my head,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57but whether it would be better to see the fruit juice
0:13:57 > 0:14:01as a tasty side dish to the main meal of...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- chemotherapy?- Joel, just relax,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I've got the most amazing team of natural healers looking after me.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09They're experts in their field, I'm getting the best possible care.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I'm going to be fine.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Come on, play. GAME RESUMES
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Yes! Yes, top corner.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Fuck you, Italy!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It's not fair, you distracted me by...
0:14:22 > 0:14:23having cancer.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Tess.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Tonight, mind pulling another latey, matey?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Actually, I was hoping to...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03The thing is, there's kind of no-one else I can ask
0:15:03 > 0:15:04because, unlike the rest of us,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07you don't have anyone at home that's going to miss you, so, yeah?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08All right, sure.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- What the hell are you doing here? - We need to talk. Now.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Jesus Christ.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I've googled everything.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26The bad news is that Hodgkin's is fatal,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30the great news is that chemotherapy has got a 94% cure rate.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- That's a great rate! - Charlie's not taking it,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35the dickhead's signing his own suicide note.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37He's got cancer, you can't call him a dickhead.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Yes, I can, if he behaves like a dickhead.- He's really healthy
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and if he's trying all these alternative treatments,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45maybe they'll work.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48So, which treatment are you pinning your hopes on -
0:15:48 > 0:15:51the carrot juice, the needles or the water up the bum?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53DOOR OPENS
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Hi.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00We have to talk to him, we've got to confront him with the truth.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Confront him? Confrontation isn't exactly my strong suit.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05What? There's no time to be all British about this.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Actually, Irish.- We've got a chance to save Charlie,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- we have to take it.- Sure.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Look, if you'd told me sooner what kind of woman I was marrying,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I would've saved myself a decade's worth of grief.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19If friends can't be honest with each other,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21what's the point of being friends?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Hang out and chat shit?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Do you have any idea how long this is going to take?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I'm only supposed to have an hour for lunch.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"Energy healing." No, thanks.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- "Psychic surgery", Jesus! - All right, Joel.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37"Homoeopathy..."
0:16:37 > 0:16:40That's Kira's, isn't it?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Oh, look, they're charging 300 quid
0:16:42 > 0:16:45for a course in isomorphic hypnotherapy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- What the fuck is that? - That's one of mine.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Hey! How's it going?- Hey.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- We thought we'd take you out for a surprise lunch.- Yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Er... Yeah, OK.- Yeah?- OK.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01- Erm, so, how's it going with the, er, lymphoma?- Er...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Not the trying for a baby - can imagine how well that's going.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Joel told me about the lump and I am so sorry.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It's fine, honestly.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I'm not going to have chemotherapy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'm not surprised you don't fancy it, you know, NHS these days,
0:17:21 > 0:17:26but how about I release some moths from the old wallet, eh?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Use some of the divorce dividends to pay for you to go private?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Joel.- Maybe we could upgrade you to chemo plus,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33where they add a bit of smack to the mix.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Look, I appreciate your concern, I do,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- but I've looked into all of this. - Yeah, so have we.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Our emphasis is on healing naturally,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44it's on empowering the body to heal itself, yeah?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46What the medical multinationals don't want you to know
0:17:46 > 0:17:48but what real science proves is that chemotherapy
0:17:48 > 0:17:50actually gives you cancer.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- But...- You've already...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- BOTH:- ..got cancer.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Oh, this is Harry
0:17:56 > 0:17:58He's got me on coffee enemas.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I've promised him a mango and passion fruit one for his birthday.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Nice.- Harry had cancer last year. - Yeah?- Oh.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Prostate. Right up the bunghole.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11But I smoked the fucker out with a cruise missile of pomegranate juice
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- and a flaxseed cluster bomb.- Yes!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18See?
0:18:18 > 0:18:19That's what I'm talking about.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Guys, I'm a professional, yeah?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26This is what I do.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29The amount of people I've seen walk into this place sick
0:18:29 > 0:18:30and walk out again well.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Yeah, I mean, it is great, all your alternative stuff
0:18:33 > 0:18:38for all your lovely hippy punters but, mate, this is cancer,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40it's not going down without a fight.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Just because treatment's alternative doesn't mean it won't work.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16- Hi!- Oh.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Sorry to bother you like this. - How did you find me?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Well, you gave me your address, remember?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25No.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Oh...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Well, I really need to talk to you.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31So you didn't get the message?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Oh, shit. No, sorry. God, my phone is so crap.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Bloody Vodafone.- No, I meant the implicit message
0:19:37 > 0:19:40of me not returning your phone calls.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Oh, right, yeah.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- No, I got that message.- OK.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Listen, listen, one of my best friends has got Hodgkin's lymphoma.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Right, you can fall down a rabbit hole researching online
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and you're the only oncologist I know, so I was wondering
0:19:54 > 0:19:56whether I could just fire a few questions at you?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Oh, I really...- So, in a case of stage one nodular sclerosing,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03if the Reed-Sternberg cells are treated with radiation therapy,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05is there a chance...?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07OK, do you mind if we have this fun chat another time?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I've got company.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Er. Yeah. I've got...
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I can always, erm, e-mail you the questions...
0:20:14 > 0:20:15There's no rush.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Well, there is a bit of a rush.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Erm, also, I was wondering
0:20:19 > 0:20:21whether you'd potentially be up for another...
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Goodnight, Joe.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Er, it...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26It's Joel.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45GASPING AND MOANING PLAYS
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- You seem really focused and determined.- Is that a problem?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I've just never seen you focused or determined before,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00so both at once is a bit of a headfuck.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Hey-ha!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Great to see you!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Er - yeah... Yeah, you, too.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Come and say hi to Kira and the girls.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Does it look bigger? The lump?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I don't know. Maybe? Possibly?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- This is where the magic happens. - Aww!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Yeah, the old pharmacology shop.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Got vitamins, state-of-the-art antineoplaston pills
0:21:26 > 0:21:28and enema equipment.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Let me show you the juicing factory.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh, hey, you two!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38There they are, my girls, juicing away.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41My crack squad of natural healers.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42It's so great you're here.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Not everyone's been supportive of our health choices.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48We're just about to start some Hoxsey therapy.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Herbal remedy from the 19th century.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51It was originally discovered
0:21:51 > 0:21:53when it reduced tumours in horses' legs.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Oh!- Wow! That sounds amazing.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Right, enough carrots - shall we get a proper lunch?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00So, when you bought the car,
0:22:00 > 0:22:01did you look at the other colours
0:22:01 > 0:22:03and think, "Nah, I'm just going to go full bell-end"?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Look, if you're in the car and enjoying the car,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08you're not allowed to make comments about the car. OK?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I think it's great you're getting your mid-life crisis in early.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13No, no, it's good that's Joel's finding himself.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17It's just a shame that the self he's finding is a bit of a twat.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18- THEY LAUGH - Right. Out.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Here we are.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Doesn't look like much, but it does the most amazing tea.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Nadia!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30What a nice surprise!
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Nice car.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I guess what you lose in insurance payments
0:22:35 > 0:22:37you gain in looking like you've got a tiny dick.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38HE CHUCKLES
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Do you, erm...do you mind if we join you?- Sure, go ahead.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ohh!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Charlie, Tess - this is Nadia. She's, er, from that dating site.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Great to meet you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Heard so much about you.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54We're not going out, if that's what you're thinking.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58She does not mince her words, good old Nadia.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00In fact, she can be a bit of a wild one...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08She's also a fully qualified oncologist.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Oh, that's a coincidence,
0:23:09 > 0:23:13cos Charlie here's been diagnosed with cancer - Hodgkin's lymphoma.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Wow. Bummer.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17So, Nadia, in your professional opinion,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19what's the best way to treat Hodgkin's?
0:23:19 > 0:23:25Well, chemotherapy has a 90% effectiveness rating.
0:23:25 > 0:23:279... 94%.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32It's actually got a 94% effectiveness in clinical trials.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Somewhere between 90 and 94% effective,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- depending on which trials... - OK. Great.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Thank you so much for the free community theatre.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43No, no, wait - just show Nadia your lump.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I've already shown a doctor my lump.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47All doctors have to offer is chemical poisoning.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Which is off the menu. So...
0:23:54 > 0:24:01Look. You need to think of your body as an apartment that's got dry rot.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It's not going to be fun getting it out -
0:24:03 > 0:24:06the walls are going to take a bit of a battering -
0:24:06 > 0:24:07but we're going to get there.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08And then, the good news is,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12when it's all over, you'll still be able to live in it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have. Plus you're only stage one.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Chemo will cure it. OK?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"Just do it", as Nike would say,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21if they sold cancer shoes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Would it be too much just to ask you all
0:24:22 > 0:24:24just to respect my freedom of choice?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27We would respect your freedom of choice
0:24:27 > 0:24:29if your choice wasn't so incredibly stupid.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Kira and I have spent a lot of time researching this.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Yeah, unlike the people who are selling you acupuncture and juice.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38You can't license juice!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40So, of course there's no research into it.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Come on, mate.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44So, you believe 9/11 was an inside job,
0:24:44 > 0:24:45and you don't believe this?
0:24:45 > 0:24:479/11 was an inside job!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Jet fuel can't melt steel beams!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Remember when my mum had cancer?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54The chemo hollowed her out.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What little life she had left wasn't worth living.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I'm not going to put myself through that.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I'm going to live.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03No, you're not.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04You're going to die.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Well, we'll see, won't we?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Excuse me.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16NADIA SIGHS
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Well, I guess I should go back to work.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Ahem.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Oh, yeah. Sorry.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37Well, no need for the brown envelope and the drug-dealer slide, but...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38thank you.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44She's a delight.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Yeah, we'll go for the carrots, beetroot...- Two carrots?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Two carrots, two, two, and we'll get two of those, as well.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Kira!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Fancy meeting you here!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, hey, Joel.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Charlie told me what happened the other day.- Oh...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You shouldn't try to manipulate people like that, it's not cool.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Look, I just want what's best for Charlie.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I'm sorry you don't want to support what we're doing. Thank you.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Maybe it's better for everyone
0:26:24 > 0:26:26if you don't come round to see Charlie any more.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Are you freezing me out?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You're freezing yourself out.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Charlie doesn't need all this negativity and anger around him.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38"Anger is an energy", to quote Johnny Rotten.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I'm not calling Johnny Rotten a qualified medical professional,
0:26:42 > 0:26:43but I think he'd back me up
0:26:43 > 0:26:45when I say there's a time and place for carrots
0:26:45 > 0:26:48and a time and a place for medicine.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Carrots ARE medicine.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Yeah, medicine with a 0% chance of curing cancer -
0:26:52 > 0:26:57unlike chemotherapy, which has a 94% chance.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Yeah, but what if we're in that 6%?
0:26:59 > 0:27:016% is 1 in 16!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03That's getting towards Russian roulette odds.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Yeah, if you're playing Russian roulette with a really big gun.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Look, I won't bother you and Charlie any more -
0:27:10 > 0:27:12just tell him to take the chemo.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Please!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I've been doing loads more research.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I've got some really exciting stuff to tell you.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You can't just keep walking in here like this.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33So, to cure Hodgkin's,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36all you need is to blast away with a basic ABVD chemo cocktail.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41- Doxorubicin, bleomycin, vinblastine and a dacarbazine chaser.- Right.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44ABVD's not even that expensive. A couple of grand should cover it!
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Right, so we just go down to Boots
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- and ask for a couple of grands' worth of chemotherapy medicine?- No.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- Nadia's got a contact. - Black market drugs?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- More grey market. - I'm not having this conversation.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's all above board.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Ethically. If not quite legally.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I know you care about Charlie, I do, too,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00but this is not happening.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01We have reasoned with him.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03We've got a doctor to reason with him.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04I talked to Kira.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07We've tried everything, and none of it's worked.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08So, we've got two choices -
0:28:08 > 0:28:10we sit back and watch Charlie die...
0:28:10 > 0:28:14or kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16- What?! - It's a piece of piss to administer.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Tube in the bag, other end of the tube in the arm.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Done and dusted. - You've totally lost it.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22It's called tough love.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Maybe if you and Charlie had tough loved me a bit more,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I wouldn't have wasted the last decade of my life.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30It is one thing to tell your mate that his wife's mental,
0:28:30 > 0:28:32it is quite another thing to commit a crime and go to prison.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35What is the crime, saving his life?
0:28:35 > 0:28:40The CRIMES are abduction and kidnapping,
0:28:40 > 0:28:42and administering a substance against somebody's will,
0:28:42 > 0:28:44which, if it isn't a crime, really ought to be.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Sure, but Charlie's not going to press charges, is he?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48It wouldn't be up to Charlie!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Fine, then we go to prison, but we save his life.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52That's a small price to pay.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Depending how many years we spend in prison,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56it's actually quite a big price.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57If it wasn't for Charlie,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I'd still be chucking 20s over a balcony in my pants.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02He was there for me. He saved me.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- Technically, WE saved you. - Now it's my turn.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07- This is a bit different, don't you think?- No.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11It's just mates being mates for their mates.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12You've got too much time on your hands.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15You need to get a job and a life.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18A life? A life is what Charlie needs.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20- I can't just drop everything to... - Why not?
0:29:20 > 0:29:24You should be writing your book, living the dream,
0:29:24 > 0:29:28not flushing yourself down this soul-sucking toilet bowl.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Just think about it.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33It's the perfect one-size-fits-all solution.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36You'll write your book, Charlie won't die,
0:29:36 > 0:29:38and I'll pick up the tab.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Sorry, personal visits aren't permitted, I'm afraid.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45Miss Dyson's productivity is already at a dangerously low level
0:29:45 > 0:29:48due to the amount of time she spends writing robot porn.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51That's private - and it's not porn, it's adult science fiction!
0:29:51 > 0:29:53The car's outside.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I'm going to save Charlie's life.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57I really need your help.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Tess, help settle a bet.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04You're the expert on having sex with machines -
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Danny and I were wondering which brand of kettle
0:30:07 > 0:30:09makes the most considerate lover.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11THEY CHUCKLE
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Actually, I wanted to let you know
0:30:13 > 0:30:17that I'm leaving your shitty job in a fucking Bentley.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23My visitor - that was my literary agent,
0:30:23 > 0:30:27and he's outside now with my new Bentley.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28Sure he is.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31And he's sold my novel for a seven- or eight-figure sum.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Well, which is it? Seven or eight?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36It doesn't matter - it's just a great deal of money.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37Well, it kind of matters,
0:30:37 > 0:30:40because the smallest eight-figure sum is 10 million.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Are you getting £10 million for your novel?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45Quite possibly.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51You can all stop drinking from my Blade Runner mug.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54You can stop dipping your fucking celery in my hummus, John.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57FYI, I've been gobbing in it.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02And those Jaffa Cakes you've all been stealing -
0:31:02 > 0:31:03I lick every one.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14Fuck you!
0:31:20 > 0:31:21Joel!
0:31:21 > 0:31:23You're going to do it?
0:31:23 > 0:31:25Yes! Come on!
0:31:25 > 0:31:27We're going to save Charlie.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28- Let me drive.- What?
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Give me the keys! I told them it was my car, let me drive.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Thank you.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36This is great, this is going to be great!
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Right, ignition on,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41- handbrake off... Ooh!- Oi!- Sorry.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45Right, I'll look for a house for us to rent in the middle of nowhere.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Stop laughing, assholes!
0:31:47 > 0:31:49This thing's a beast. Agh!
0:31:49 > 0:31:52I'll find us a nice low-key hideout.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00The property's a homestay,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02but the owners are looking at renting it out long term.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04See, they're in Australia indefinitely -
0:32:04 > 0:32:07but, you know, they've left the house as is.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Yeah, pretty hard to get that through customs, I imagine!
0:32:11 > 0:32:12Exactly, yeah.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Five bedrooms, three bathrooms, large basement.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17Perfect for a big family.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20It's great. It's great. It's exactly what I'm looking for.
0:32:20 > 0:32:21How many children do you have?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Er, three.
0:32:23 > 0:32:24Well, I'm hoping to have three.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29They are quite strict about the house rules.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31That's not a problem.
0:32:31 > 0:32:32I love rules. I love following them.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Three months OK?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Well, the minimum rental period is normally six.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39How about if I pay you in full in advance...in cash?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46That should be fine.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Yellow Bentley. So discreet.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09Shazia, this is Joel and...a woman.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10Hi, I'm Tess.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11I'm actually a writer.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15It's a dead patient's prescription.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16Another one bites the dust.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19It's amazing how many drugs these dead patients need.
0:33:19 > 0:33:20Thanks.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23There you go. That's your commission.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Oh, white envelope this time! Classy.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Here's my card if you need any more.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28Wait, hold on a minute!
0:33:28 > 0:33:30We need training. We're not qualified to...
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Relax, they all come with instruction leaflets.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34- Instruction leaflets? - It's like cancer IKEA.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36If you get in trouble, you call the helpline.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Er, I don't suppose you fancy getting a spot of dinner?
0:33:39 > 0:33:41The date window has closed.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43I just want to be extremely clear about that,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45because I wouldn't want you to have any hopes.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47There's no hopes here.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Who needs stupid hopes?
0:33:49 > 0:33:52You should probably get another car.
0:33:52 > 0:33:53A crime car.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00- All right?- Yeah.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Tell you what, I'm glad we got the fucking estate.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13I know what you're thinking, and, yes,
0:34:13 > 0:34:15this is very much a sex thing.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59You're looking well.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Thanks. Yeah. I'm feeling good, actually.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Feeling really...
0:35:04 > 0:35:06HE COUGHS
0:35:09 > 0:35:11That's just...
0:35:11 > 0:35:13That's just toxins leaving the body.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14Right.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18What's with all the cloak-and-dagger stuff?
0:35:18 > 0:35:19Asking me to meet you in the middle of nowhere
0:35:19 > 0:35:21and promising not to tell Kira.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22Did you tell Kira?
0:35:22 > 0:35:23No, but why?
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Because she's so anti-Joel at the moment,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27she probably wouldn't want you to come and visit
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Joel's new house in the country!
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Yeah?
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Great.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Oh, that's great he's got somewhere.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37We've been worried about him since the divorce.
0:35:37 > 0:35:38I mean, Steph was a nightmare,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41but at least being married to her gave him some...solidity.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44I feel like he needs a project to focus on, don't you think?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Yeah. A project.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49I mean, not a job, necessarily, but maybe something creative.
0:35:49 > 0:35:50Charity work?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Right. Exactly. Charity work.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55I'm just going to text Kira, let her know I might be late.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Shit.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Got no reception.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Oh, bummer. You should think about switching providers.
0:36:02 > 0:36:0302 are immense.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Jesus, look at the size of this place.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Still got no bloody reception. - Oh, there'll be a landline inside.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- You made it!- Yeah!- Great to see you.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15You didn't tell me that you'd rented Downton fucking Abbey.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Can I use your phone?
0:36:17 > 0:36:18Ah, yeah - kitchen. In there.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20- Everything ready? - Of course it's ready.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22- So, the jammer worked.- Uh-huh.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Right, I'll pin him, you cuff him.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Why can't I pin him and you cuff him?
0:36:26 > 0:36:27You can't pin him, you're a girl.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29I'm a woman - and that's incredibly sexist.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36There's no dial tone.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37That's weird.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- Why are your hands behind your back? - They're not.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46Yes, they are.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47That's how I like to walk sometimes.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Like Prince Charles.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53Are you saying because I'm female I can't walk like Prince Charles?
0:36:53 > 0:36:54That's incredibly sexist.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56That's not what I'm saying.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59What's going on?
0:37:04 > 0:37:05Gah!
0:37:06 > 0:37:07What the fuck are you doing?
0:37:07 > 0:37:09OK, shh, shh.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15- God, get off!- It may feel bad, but, really, it's very good.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16No...
0:37:16 > 0:37:18No, no, no...
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Good. Good.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23You fucking...fucking...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- fucks...- Shh-shh-shh.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Shh-shh-shh.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Double teaming the cancer victim.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35Nice!
0:37:35 > 0:37:37We're like a hard-core Chuckle Brothers.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Is he OK?
0:37:41 > 0:37:42He looks dead.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45No, he's not dead, it's a sedative - midazolam.
0:37:45 > 0:37:46It's fine, it's medical!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Oh, because it's medical, it's fine?
0:37:48 > 0:37:49Heroin's fucking medical!
0:37:51 > 0:37:52Oh, my God...
0:37:52 > 0:37:54We've killed him!
0:37:54 > 0:37:56We tried to save him and we've killed him instead.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Oh, God, I hate us!
0:37:58 > 0:37:59What have we done?
0:38:06 > 0:38:09See! He's fine, he's fine. Look, he's not dead,
0:38:09 > 0:38:11and, thanks to us, he won't be dead any time soon.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Now grab his legs, come on.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15HE STRAINS
0:38:15 > 0:38:16Go!
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- Agh!- Oh, whoa, don't drop him.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26I'm not going to drop him.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Looked like you were going to drop him.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Listen, Legs, you just focus on doing your job
0:38:30 > 0:38:34and stop worrying whether Shoulders is doing his.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37MUSIC: Hate to Say I Told You So by The Hives
0:38:59 > 0:39:01OK, first we insert the cannula...
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Can't we just put the needle straight in?
0:39:03 > 0:39:05No, we put the needle in through the cannula, remember?
0:39:05 > 0:39:09- We've been over this. - All right, just get on with it.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Got to find a vein.
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Oh, this is horrible.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13No, it's not horrible, it's medicine.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15We're doctors.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17- Pretend doctors. - Fine, pretend doctors.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Mocktors.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Er...
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Fuck, it looks so easy when they do it on TV.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28Fucking...
0:39:31 > 0:39:33You know what? Fuck you...
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Not the chemo!
0:39:39 > 0:39:42We inject the antinausea stuff first.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Right, OK, let's just do it before the sedative wears off.
0:39:47 > 0:39:48OK...
0:40:04 > 0:40:07- He's bleeding.- I know he's bleeding, I can see he's fucking bleeding.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09- He's not supposed to be bleeding, is he?- No.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10He is not supposed to be bleeding.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Get that thing out of his arm!
0:40:12 > 0:40:14It's supposed to go in, not out!
0:40:14 > 0:40:15Just get it out!
0:40:16 > 0:40:17Oh, I'll do it.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Just take it out!
0:40:24 > 0:40:25BOTH: A-A-Argh!
0:40:25 > 0:40:28You turned his arm into a blood hose!
0:40:28 > 0:40:30I didn't, you did!
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Oh, my God, nice work, Dr Shipman.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- Oh, fuck!- Aah! Get the leaflet!
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Where's the leaflet?
0:40:37 > 0:40:39We haven't got time to read the fucking leaflet -
0:40:39 > 0:40:41the sedative doesn't last that long!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43- Let's give him some more sedative. - Two words.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45"Michael" and "Jackson"!
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Well, what else do you suggest, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman?
0:40:47 > 0:40:49SHE SOBS
0:40:51 > 0:40:55Basically, we would like to hire you to administer the chemo.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I guess you screwed it up pretty badly, then.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Erm... Well...
0:41:00 > 0:41:01SHE VOMITS
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Sorry.
0:41:05 > 0:41:06Big night last night.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10I took your envelope and I spent it all.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11- You spent the whole 20 grand?- Mm.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14You can buy a great night out for 20 grand.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18I think the low point was probably falling off that podium.
0:41:18 > 0:41:19HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
0:41:19 > 0:41:23Ugh! My biggest mistake was going into work the next day.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26I got called into the principal's office.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Oh, no! What for?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30I did this stupid chest drain a couple of weeks ago,
0:41:30 > 0:41:32but I was kind of high
0:41:32 > 0:41:35so I fucked it up and the asshole nearly died.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37- Oh, my God. - Also, I slept with a few patients.
0:41:37 > 0:41:38Right.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Not the one I nearly killed, these were different ones.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44The upshot is, I'm suspended, and I might even get struck off.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46This is so fucking unfair.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Yeah, that's really unfair.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52So, I am currently a gun for hire,
0:41:52 > 0:41:56if you can imagine a medical gun that sprays health bullets.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59OK... Great.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02It is great, it's great timing, actually.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04It's almost like the universe
0:42:04 > 0:42:07is finally looking out for me, for once.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09SHE SNORTS
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Everything is coming up Nadia!
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- So you'll do it?- Sure.- Brilliant!
0:42:14 > 0:42:16- For 100 grand.- Oh...
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Please just let me go.
0:42:20 > 0:42:21I can't.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23I need my acupuncture.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25I need...my juice.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Yeah, you really don't.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Look, I'm sorry about all this.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33If you're sorry... why don't you just let me go?
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Well, I'm not sorry we kidnapped you.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38I'm just sorry it's so horrible.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40What did you think it would be like?
0:42:40 > 0:42:43DOOR OPENS A nice funfair ride?
0:42:43 > 0:42:44Magic Chemo Mountain?
0:42:45 > 0:42:47I'm back.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Who's this?
0:42:50 > 0:42:51Dr Cool?
0:42:51 > 0:42:54No, it's a Scottish doctor friend.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- I'm here to administer your medicine.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00What is it? Extremely fake Highland shortbread?
0:43:00 > 0:43:01- Right...- No!
0:43:01 > 0:43:04You can't give him another dose of that.
0:43:04 > 0:43:05Er, lorazepam?
0:43:05 > 0:43:09That takes, like, an hour to dissolve. Here. Let's try...
0:43:09 > 0:43:11- ketamine.- Ketamine?!
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Dissolves in the mooth.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Good old sublingual absorption.
0:43:15 > 0:43:16Come on, give us a hand.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Fuck off! Fuck off.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Fuck off, fuck off.
0:43:20 > 0:43:21Fuck off, please.
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Isn't ketamine illegal?
0:43:22 > 0:43:23In case you hadn't noticed,
0:43:23 > 0:43:26everything we're doing is fucking illegal.
0:43:26 > 0:43:27HE GASPS AND CHOKES
0:43:29 > 0:43:31HE MUMBLES
0:43:31 > 0:43:32That IS quick.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37This place is something else.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Did you read Josef Fritzl's guide to building a dungeon?
0:43:40 > 0:43:42No, of course not.
0:43:42 > 0:43:46Although I did check out Ariel Castro's excellent website.
0:43:49 > 0:43:53And that, my friend, is that.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Let the flavour flood in.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Er...should you be smoking?
0:44:04 > 0:44:06He's already got cancer.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09Yeah, I just thought it needed to be sterile?
0:44:09 > 0:44:10Mm-mm.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Only when you're preparing it.
0:44:12 > 0:44:16In fact, he's better off here than in a hospital, honestly.
0:44:16 > 0:44:17Less risk of infection
0:44:17 > 0:44:20from one of the living dead, as I like to call them.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Erm, do you have to head off so soon?
0:44:29 > 0:44:33It's late. There's...there's plenty of spare bedrooms.
0:44:33 > 0:44:37Nah, I just want to go home and sleep for a year.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Then maybe drink for a year,
0:44:39 > 0:44:41then, I don't know, sleep for another year.
0:44:41 > 0:44:42So...
0:44:47 > 0:44:48Envelope.
0:44:48 > 0:44:50Oh, yeah. Er...
0:44:55 > 0:44:57This doesn't look like 100 grand.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59I was thinking, you know,
0:44:59 > 0:45:01rather than giving you all the money up front,
0:45:01 > 0:45:04we could use... a system of instalments.
0:45:04 > 0:45:08- Instalments?- Yeah, like, one payment after every dose?
0:45:08 > 0:45:09What, you don't trust me, or something?
0:45:09 > 0:45:13You think I'm going to take the money and fuck off to Mexico?
0:45:13 > 0:45:15- No...- That is actually what I was planning on doing,
0:45:15 > 0:45:19but not until I get it all, so...fine.
0:45:19 > 0:45:20All right. Instalments.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22See you in two weeks.
0:45:22 > 0:45:26Or, you know, you could, er... You could stay here with us.
0:45:26 > 0:45:27Why would I want to do that?
0:45:29 > 0:45:31It might be fun.
0:45:31 > 0:45:32- Right.- But, more importantly,
0:45:32 > 0:45:34what if something happens to Charlie?
0:45:34 > 0:45:35Then you give me a call.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38- What if you don't get here in time and he dies?- He won't.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41Yeah, but he might. Please... You know, just stay.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44- No.- What if...
0:45:44 > 0:45:45I double your money?
0:45:46 > 0:45:48Triple.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53TRANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:46:04 > 0:46:07WHISTLING
0:46:07 > 0:46:09Are you sure about this?
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Bit late for that, isn't it?
0:46:11 > 0:46:15Unless you want to suck the chemo out of his arm, like snake venom.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18- I meant Nadia. - What choice do we have?
0:46:18 > 0:46:19She was already in on it, so...
0:46:19 > 0:46:22- Just seems like a massive fucking liability.- Fine.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24Let's just scan through your database
0:46:24 > 0:46:26of qualified black market doctors.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31I hacked Charlie's answerphone.
0:46:31 > 0:46:32OK...
0:46:32 > 0:46:35- Getting all News Of The World on his ass?- Just listen.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38- KIRA:- Charlie, please call me back. We're really worried about you.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40- BEEP - Charlie, where are you?
0:46:40 > 0:46:43You've been gone seven hours. Please call me.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45- BEEP - I've called the police.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48Wherever you are, OK, don't worry. We're coming to get you!
0:46:48 > 0:46:50BEEP-BEEP
0:46:50 > 0:46:53Well, on the bright side, she has no idea what happened to him, so...
0:46:53 > 0:46:55Great, I feel so wonderfully carefree and happy
0:46:55 > 0:46:57- now that you've said that.- Look...
0:46:57 > 0:47:01We are only keeping him captive until he is cured.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04Tube in the arm twice a month for three months.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06Three months. Jesus.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10I can't believe we're actually...kidnappers.
0:47:10 > 0:47:12We are not kidnappers.
0:47:12 > 0:47:13We are just...
0:47:14 > 0:47:16..extreme doctors.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18We've got somebody chained up in the basement.
0:47:18 > 0:47:20You don't get them doing that on Embarrassing Bodies.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22Oh, they'd love to, though, it's just...Ofcom.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24Look, relax! It's going to be fine.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Just think of it as an adventure holiday.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29An illegally administered chemotherapy,
0:47:29 > 0:47:31enforced incarceration holiday?
0:47:31 > 0:47:32Yeah. Exactly.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35- Kind of like Center Parcs.- Huh.
0:47:39 > 0:47:40I know you.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43You're Nadia, Joel's date from the cafe.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46- FAKE ACCENT:- I don't know to what you might be referring.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Well, the scent of Silk Cut's a giveaway.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53Fine.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55I just pissed blood.
0:47:55 > 0:47:56You're killing me.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58That's just the doxorubicin.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00It dyes your piss red for 48 hours.
0:48:00 > 0:48:03I should have warned you, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06What kind of doctor injects an unconscious patient
0:48:06 > 0:48:09- against their will? - I guess it's like being a vet.
0:48:09 > 0:48:12You know, you don't ask dogs to sign consent forms
0:48:12 > 0:48:13cos they're too stupid to know what they mean.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16- Except I'm not a dog. - No, you're stupider...
0:48:16 > 0:48:17because you should know better.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20Oh, is that what you do for a living, you know better?
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Just like Blair knew better about invading Iraq?
0:48:22 > 0:48:24- I didn't invade Iraq. - Well, you invaded my body
0:48:24 > 0:48:26which is my own personal Iraq.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28Want to know what I do for a living?
0:48:28 > 0:48:32It is called being a qualified doctor.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34You study for years,
0:48:34 > 0:48:36you save people's lives
0:48:36 > 0:48:39and everybody agrees you're fucking awesome.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42And does the Hippocratic oath cover tying your patients up
0:48:42 > 0:48:44- and poisoning them? - I'm pretty sure the Hippocratic oath
0:48:44 > 0:48:47is something to do with offering your soul to Apollo.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51You're not a doctor. You're a medical mercenary.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54How much of Joel's divorce dividend is he paying you?
0:48:54 > 0:48:55What's wrong with getting paid?
0:48:55 > 0:48:58What's wrong with being a needle for hire?
0:48:58 > 0:49:01I don't know what your story is,
0:49:01 > 0:49:04but it's clear that you took a wrong turn at some point in your life.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08- Have you considered therapy? - No. Have you?
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Besides, I don't need that shit because...
0:49:17 > 0:49:23I have a real cure for any problem, big or small.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27Prescription single malt.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29Dude! Look what I got.
0:49:31 > 0:49:32Adult nappy!
0:49:32 > 0:49:35- Oh, my God! - It's the slacker dream!
0:49:35 > 0:49:38No more stupid bedpan or going all the way to the bathroom
0:49:38 > 0:49:40to take a dump, for you.
0:49:40 > 0:49:41Just let me go.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43I feel sick.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47- That's just the bleomycin kicking in.- Oh... No mask?
0:49:47 > 0:49:49Mm. It's too much like work.
0:49:49 > 0:49:51What's...?
0:49:51 > 0:49:52Oh, shit.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh...
0:49:55 > 0:49:56Oh, my God...
0:49:56 > 0:49:58That's... That's not good.
0:49:58 > 0:50:00That's not supposed to happen.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Just calm... Calm down, OK?
0:50:02 > 0:50:03That's not supposed to...
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Er... Call an ambulance.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08- Oh, my God!- Call... Call an ambulance!
0:50:08 > 0:50:11Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait...
0:50:11 > 0:50:13I'm just fucking with you. That's just...
0:50:13 > 0:50:16- LAUGHING:- That's just a muscle spasm.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18A tremor, we call it. It's all good.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21It's not all good! NADIA AND JOEL LAUGH
0:50:21 > 0:50:24It's not all good. That's not all good!
0:50:24 > 0:50:27Ah, she got us good there. Good old Nadia.
0:50:27 > 0:50:32Phew! You've got to admit, she... She got us there.
0:50:37 > 0:50:38HE SIGHS
0:50:47 > 0:50:49Dude, you've got to relax.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Just take your mind off everything.
0:50:53 > 0:50:58Right, if you agree to play a bit of Xbox,
0:50:58 > 0:51:02maybe I could loosen your straps one relaxing notch?
0:51:02 > 0:51:04- Fuck off.- Oh, come on, mate.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07You're not going anywhere. You might as well enjoy it.
0:51:07 > 0:51:08Enjoy it?
0:51:08 > 0:51:09Why not?
0:51:09 > 0:51:13Hey, when do guys our age ever get a chance just to hang out like this?
0:51:13 > 0:51:16We haven't kicked back and just had a bloody good laugh in ages.
0:51:16 > 0:51:18I just want to go home.
0:51:18 > 0:51:20I just want to see Kira and Phoebe and Megan.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25OK. Well, if you don't want to play a game,
0:51:25 > 0:51:27then we can always watch a movie.
0:51:27 > 0:51:30I've got Captain America... Planet Of The Apes?
0:51:30 > 0:51:31This is just an excuse for you
0:51:31 > 0:51:33to regress to your adolescence, isn't it?
0:51:35 > 0:51:37It's like your insane flat.
0:51:37 > 0:51:41Well, excuse me for trying to make this a little bit fun for you
0:51:41 > 0:51:43while I'm busy saving your life.
0:51:43 > 0:51:46Well, my idea of fun is being at home with my family, getting well.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48Oh, wow, that sounds thrilling.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53Look, I know this all seems a little bit cruel,
0:51:53 > 0:51:55but it's for your own good. Right?
0:51:56 > 0:51:57It's friendly fire.
0:51:58 > 0:52:03Friendly fire is when a soldier gets shot by his own army, you dick!
0:52:03 > 0:52:05All right, friendlier than that.
0:52:05 > 0:52:06DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS
0:52:27 > 0:52:31Charlie hasn't been seen since he left his Bristol address,
0:52:31 > 0:52:34and we are becoming increasingly concerned for his safety.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15I think I'm running out of respawn...
0:53:15 > 0:53:17- Heads up, we've got a new guy on the team!- What's up, new guy?
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Yeah! So, new guy,
0:53:19 > 0:53:22- you going to help us take down these swarm fuckers or not?- Head shot!
0:53:32 > 0:53:36- GUNFIRE - Yes!- Forget about him.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38We've got bigger things to worry about.
0:53:38 > 0:53:43I just want to make it clear - I will fuck you, but that's it.
0:53:43 > 0:53:44Absolutely.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48- You got that.- Sick! - Aw, I missed it, man!
0:53:51 > 0:53:53No, it's that way. That way! That way!
0:53:53 > 0:53:54Yeah, come on, then.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00And even though we're living together,
0:54:00 > 0:54:03- we're not, you know, actually LIVING together.- Of course, yeah.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05I'll probably pass out in your bed after I come,
0:54:05 > 0:54:07but do not take that personally.
0:54:08 > 0:54:12- Shit!- Got him!
0:54:15 > 0:54:18- Oh, yes, man! I got him! - Where are you?
0:54:19 > 0:54:21Oh, my God, it's happening.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24It's the holiday of my dreams.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Is anybody there? Is anybody there?
0:54:26 > 0:54:29Where you been, man? What's going on?
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Come on, we're getting slaughtered over here.
0:54:31 > 0:54:32Oh, bastard!
0:54:37 > 0:54:39GASPING AND MOANING
0:54:45 > 0:54:50WHISPERS: I've been kidnapped! I'm in a house somewhere in the country.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52They're giving me chemotherapy against my will!
0:54:52 > 0:54:54- That sounds pretty fucked up. - Are you serious?
0:54:54 > 0:54:55- Mate...- That was my shot!
0:55:00 > 0:55:02- Is that the new level? - No. No, no! It's...
0:55:02 > 0:55:06It's not the game. This is real life.
0:55:06 > 0:55:07I've been kidnapped.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10- You've got to rescue me! - I think he's telling the truth.
0:55:10 > 0:55:11Is this for real?
0:55:11 > 0:55:14I could get my dad. He's a policeman.
0:55:19 > 0:55:21Sorry, where are you?
0:55:21 > 0:55:23I don't know. I don't know exactly where the house is.
0:55:23 > 0:55:26It's... Er, it's, like, an hour outside of Bristol.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29- MAN:- Hello, this is Liam's dad. Is this some kind of a joke?
0:55:29 > 0:55:30It's not! It's not a joke.
0:55:32 > 0:55:35I'm in a cellar in a house somewhere in south-west England.
0:55:35 > 0:55:39I'm being held against my will and injected.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42- What are you being injected with? - Chemotherapy drugs.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45I've got cancer, they're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs.
0:55:45 > 0:55:46Are you sure you're not in the hospital?
0:55:46 > 0:55:49I'm not in a fucking hospital! LOCK CLICKS