0:00:02 > 0:00:04Don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date
0:00:04 > 0:00:05or that you just got divorced.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07This is actually my first-ever internet date. Just got divorced.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08That's what friends are for.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12It's making you do things against your will that end with you having sex in a public toilet.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17- Joel told me about the cancer, and I am so sorry.- It's fine, honestly.
0:00:17 > 0:00:23He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I'm not going to have chemotherapy.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Chemo will cure it.- I'm going to live.- No, you're not.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32You're going to die.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36We've got two choices - we sit back and watch Charlie die,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38or we kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Oh, God!- Give up! Give up!- No!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43We need training. We're not qualified to...
0:00:43 > 0:00:47This programme contains very strong language
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- Who's this? Dr Cool?- I'm here to administer your medicine.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Are you sure about this?- Bit late for that, isn't it?- I meant Nadia.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56What choice do we have?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00She just seems like a massive fucking liability.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03It's not the game. I'm being held against my will. I've got cancer.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05They're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- 'Are you sure you're not in the hospital?'- I'm not in a fucking hospital...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I'm in a cellar somewhere off the A38. I need you to help me escape!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- PLAYER 1:- Oh, no, I'm on my own!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I figured you could use something to help you sleep.
0:01:27 > 0:01:33- Hey, you're really getting into the game.- Yeah.- Glad you're having fun.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I'm really enjoying writing my novel,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38although I haven't read anything back yet in case it's actually shit.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42- PLAYER 1:- This chemotherapy kidnap mission - where is it? What level's it on? It sounds sick.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- PLAYER 2:- Yeah, yeah. I'm up for a chemo kidnap. Nice one!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Getting a little assistance from your regiment, are you?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Tess... No, no! No!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Give it to me!- No! - Give it to me!- No!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57I'm sorry to tell you, but your regiment doesn't have your best interests at heart.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Tess!- Joel!- Tess, this is fucked up.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Joel!- I'm just trying to unfuck it up!
0:02:01 > 0:02:06- You know I'm right. Please! Please, just let me go!- What? What is it?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- Charlie tried to escape through Xbox Live Chat.- What?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- You said all the network settings were locked down!- I thought they were.- Oh, great! Nice work, genius!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17We need to get rid of the Xbox. It's the simplest solution.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19But that's the centre of the entertainment hub!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21How's Charlie going to entertain himself without the hub?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I've got an idea that might be the solution to all your problems -
0:02:24 > 0:02:26untie me and let me go!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I'm disappointed in you. I'm very disappointed. We trusted you.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- No, you didn't. You tied me up. - I expected better.- Why?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I never promised not to escape.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Well, you can forget about all these lovely superfoods we got you.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- Just normal foods for you, young man.- Please, just let me go!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- I want to see my family. - No, we are going to save your life.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You're not saving my life, you're killing me.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And not just my present, my future as well.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Cos you know I said that Kira and I were trying for another kid?
0:03:01 > 0:03:07- Well, chemo kills sperm!- Oh! You think chemo kills everything!
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- You're such a wet blanket! Shall we take the berries away?- No.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Yeah, I think we should take the berries away.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Don't take the berries away!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Guess what? Charlie's actually right, for once.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03One of the side-effects of chemo is that it can kill your sperm.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You need to see this.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Charlie hasn't been seen
0:04:08 > 0:04:14since he left his Bristol address at 3.15pm on Saturday,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- 5th of November...- Nothing about you driving off with him. That's good.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I'm now going to hand you over to Charlie's wife, Kira,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22who has a statement that she would like to read.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Charlie, Megan, Phoebe and I miss you so much.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Why am I watching this? We knew this was going to happen.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34This is not a shocking turn of events.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36And if you want some time to yourself, that's OK,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40but please just let us know that you're all right.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I get the idea.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46It gets worse. Some hack got a hold of Charlie's medical records.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- That's not worse. That's great. - Why the hell is that great?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Because the police aren't going to hunt high
0:04:57 > 0:05:00and low for a suicide, are they?
0:05:00 > 0:05:06- Once the panic dies down, we should be in the clear.- Great! Suicide dad.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Everybody's favourite kind of dad. It's an exciting mystery!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Is Daddy hanging from a tree somewhere?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Or is he at the bottom of a quarry in a crushed-up Mazda?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Look, all we have to do is hold our nerve.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22No-one knows where Charlie is and no-one knows where we are, so relax.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Fine, I'll relax. A nice relaxing kidnapping!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30We're going to prison and Charlie and Kira are going to hate us forever.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Not when we bring him back in three months' time
0:05:32 > 0:05:35with a boxfresh lymphatic system!
0:05:35 > 0:05:36They'll probably give us a medal.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Look, the most important thing is that we keep our cover intact.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I know. I've been putting a few granite blocks in our castle walls.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Fake geo-tagged myself.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"Travelling the world, writing my book. So long, suckers!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Outer Hebrides - nice! - It's my last post for a while.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I'm going to keep my head down, but you need to go public -
0:05:58 > 0:06:00see the police, talk to Kira.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03It'll be too suspicious if we both disappear.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- OK, fine, I'll go and see her. - No, don't go and see her!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11That's the last thing you should do! Just call her. It'll be much easier
0:06:11 > 0:06:13to act shocked and upset over the phone.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15So I've got to be shocked and upset,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18but not so shocked and upset that I'd actually bother to visit?
0:06:18 > 0:06:24- Exactly. And be careful about Nadia. - What about Nadia?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Just the fact that she's obviously a massive bag of screaming trouble,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- and you're bonking her. - We've bonked twice.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Well, it was more than twice, actually, but only on two actual occasions.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I'm pleased you're thinking about somebody other than Steph,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40but don't kid yourself - to Nadia, you're just the easiest
0:06:40 > 0:06:43available man meat because she forgot to pack her vibrator.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48HE GRUNTS
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- I've stopped throwing up.- Hm, so the Ondansetron did the trick.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Yay, medicine!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I feel terrible, exhausted, like I don't want to move, ever.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Of course you do, you're having chemo, idiot!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You can't make a cancer cure omelette without breaking
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- a few Charlie eggs. - Oh, that's reassuring. Thanks, Doc.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42All right, look. I'm not going to bullshit you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45What we're doing to your body - it's brutal.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47We're frying the fuck out of you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50The cancer's in your lymphatic system, so pretty much
0:07:50 > 0:07:54all of you is cancerous, so we've got to bleach it out.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56We basically kill you every two weeks
0:07:56 > 0:08:01- and then hope that your body fights back.- That sounds fun and relaxing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Word to the wise - the best anti-nausea cure,
0:08:04 > 0:08:05good old-fashioned Mary Jane.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07No, haven't taken a drink or a drug in ten years.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- I'm not about to start now. - Fine, do it the hard way.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Can I at least go outside?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13SHE CHUCKLES
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You could chain me to a stake like a pit bull.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Forget about going outside.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Your UV tolerance is shot to shit.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Just think of yourself as Count Dracula
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- chilling in your castle basement. - Then I want an organic diet.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I want no meat, no dairy.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It's going to be boring enough being trapped down here for months.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31You really want to make it that much worse?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Look, I've done this before, you haven't.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38So my professional advice is to eat what you want
0:08:38 > 0:08:42and drink what you want and take as many drugs as you want, let your
0:08:42 > 0:08:47body get very slowly better so we can all get the fuck out of here.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52I want to help my body heal itself. I want to take a holistic approach.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55God! You're not on a "cancer journey", are you?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59We're all on a journey, just some of us are going forward and some of us are going in reverse.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13DOOR SHUTS
0:09:17 > 0:09:19So you were away when Charlie went missing?
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Yeah, I'd just got divorced, thought I'd take some time for myself -
0:09:24 > 0:09:25road trip, camping.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Fucking love the outdoors.
0:09:33 > 0:09:39So the last time you saw Charlie was in this cafe with Tess Dyson?
0:09:39 > 0:09:45- Mm, that's right.- Did he seem agitated, depressed?- Not really.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Charlie's all about the power of positive thinking.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So no signs of suicidal feelings at all?
0:09:57 > 0:10:04- Maybe once. In his eyes, I saw something.- What do you mean?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It was quite a long time ago, but we were walking over this bridge
0:10:08 > 0:10:13and he looked over, and I think he was thinking about it.
0:10:14 > 0:10:21You know, jumping. You get to know a person after 20 years. I mean...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23it was just a look.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27And I wouldn't say any of this to Kira, but if we do find out
0:10:27 > 0:10:32he's killed himself - God forbid - I wouldn't be completely shocked.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Which bridge?- What? - Which bridge were you walking over?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44It was... It was Tower Bridge.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Tess Dyson resigned from her job
0:10:54 > 0:10:57and disappeared a few days before Charlie went missing.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Do you know where she is? - No. No idea.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Do you think that Charlie and Tess might have been having an affair?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Um... Not as far as I know.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- This is funny to you?- No. Oh, no, no, no.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Um... Sorry. It's just...Charlie and Tess...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24HE LAUGHS
0:11:25 > 0:11:30..is a bit funny. But not really. Sorry.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Eat up your peas, Phoebe. - I want to save them for Daddy.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Why don't you make a small plate of peas and we can keep them
0:11:44 > 0:11:49in the fridge until Daddy gets back, which I'm sure will be very soon?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54PHONE RINGS
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Hi, Joel.- I just heard. I'm so sorry.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- You must be going out of your mind. - Yeah, it's been hard, really hard.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- It's just so... He was getting better, you know?- Er, yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10So why would he just run off?
0:12:10 > 0:12:15I have no idea, but I'm absolutely sure that there is an explanation
0:12:15 > 0:12:17that will make everything all right.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- Joel, why are you parked outside? - Oh...
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Well, I didn't want to bother you. - Come inside, you maniac!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Yeah, I'd love to. I mean, I really...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I've double-checked.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Charlie's right - we need to take a sperm sample to freeze now
0:12:50 > 0:12:52before the chemo does any lasting damage.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Do you see what you're doing to me? - It's a side-effect.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56The chemo doesn't mean to do it.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01He's right - it's worth taking out a white and sticky insurance policy.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09If you need porn, just shout. That's what mates are for.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I'm not fucking doing it!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20At the end of the day, it's up to him.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Why is one thing up to him and not another?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26What are we supposed to do? Take a sperm sample by force?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27That's an option.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- SNORTS:- Rather you than me.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31OK. Fine.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Fuck it, no NHS rules and regs, no litigation.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39This is an essential and appropriate medical procedure
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- and I'm actioning it. - Sorry. What are you saying?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I'm saying if he doesn't want to give,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46then we take.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Are you going to...rape him?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's not rape, it's sexual assault.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51And it's for a good cause.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Are you sure you're not doing this just for fun?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55OK, that's really low.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00I don't need to jerk off cancer patients to get my kicks. Jesus.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02DOOR OPENS
0:14:02 > 0:14:03DOOR CLOSES
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Ow! OW!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13What are you doing? CUFFS CLICK
0:14:13 > 0:14:14HE GRUNTS
0:14:14 > 0:14:17What are you doing? What are you doing?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Everything's going to be fine. - What's going on?
0:14:22 > 0:14:28- What's going on?- I'm here to preserve your DNA for posterity.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- No! - By any means necessary.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32You're quoting Malcolm X?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You're trying to equate this with the Black Liberation struggle?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I am liberating your genetic code.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You can't take my sperm against my will.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Are you sure about that? - Oh, yeah.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Yeah, actually, I'm very sure.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46You really think that your willpower can overcome my arm power?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I don't just think it. I know it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I admire you for trying, but you've got no chance.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I've done two tantric sex courses,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56so I have complete mastery over my inner winds.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59HE GRUNTS
0:14:59 > 0:15:01The gloves are off, my friend.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Urgghh.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I call that move "Le Twirl".
0:15:07 > 0:15:10This really isn't OK.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Non-consensual sex is definitely not OK.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Not on paper.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18But... We should stop them. We should go in there.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Thanks, but Charlie's erect cock is not an image
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- I want burned on my brain for ever. - I'm going in there.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27What? You're going in there to murder his third child?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28That's nice of you.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I'm going in there to stop a sexual assault!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I guess there's a tiny chance his offspring will turn out
0:15:33 > 0:15:35to be Hitler, and you'll be a hero.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39But there's a much bigger chance they'll be just absolutely lovely.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42HE GRUNTS
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It's...not...going...to...happen.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Charlie Junior seems to have other ideas.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48No. No.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51You haven't won. Cos I'm not enjoying it!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54The body never lies and I diagnose you with a massive hard-on.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Oh, God. Oh, God.- And the great news is, it's a freebie.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You can tell your wife, "I had no choice.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"They tied me down, they jerked me off against my will."
0:16:02 > 0:16:03So you're covered.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Lie back, just go with the flow.- Errrrgggh.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Oh, wait. We are about to have lift-off.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Houston, we do not have a problem. - No, I withdraw consent!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I withdraw consent! This is a non-consensual ejaculation!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Well done, mate.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I think, by the sound of it you just missed your moment.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Ding dong.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41MUSIC: Ill Behaviour by Danny Byrd
0:17:03 > 0:17:05# Back once again with the ill behaviour
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# Can you feel it? Feel it?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09# Nothing can save me
0:17:09 > 0:17:11# Back once again with the ill behaviour
0:17:11 > 0:17:12# With the ill behaviour
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# With the ill behaviour
0:17:14 > 0:17:15# With the ill behaviour
0:17:15 > 0:17:19# Ill, ill, ill
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# Back once again with the ill behaviour
0:17:38 > 0:17:40# Back once again, back once again
0:17:40 > 0:17:42# Back, back, back
0:17:42 > 0:17:44# Back once again with the ill behaviour
0:17:44 > 0:17:46# Can you feel it? Feel it?
0:17:46 > 0:17:47# Nothing to save me
0:17:47 > 0:17:49# Back once again with the ill behaviour
0:17:49 > 0:17:51# Can you feel it? Feel it? #
0:17:59 > 0:18:02So the book's actually going really well.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Uh-huh?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Wrote a great scene this morning, if I say so myself.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15One of the synthezoids discovers for the first time she's not human.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It was so moving, I actually cried a little bit.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- I could read you some later... - Is this the sexy robot book?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Synthetic humanoids.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And there is a love story, but it's not sexy per se, it's more...
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Is that difficult to write?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, there are a lot of philosophical issues to
0:18:33 > 0:18:36address about what it means to be human, while at the same time...
0:18:36 > 0:18:37No, I mean, is it difficult to write
0:18:37 > 0:18:39when you're crying and masturbating?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42HE LAUGHS
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Sorry.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, sorry!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59So how did you end up in this cellar, exactly?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I can't imagine it was part of your career plan.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Oh, I don't have plans, I just do what I feel like.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- I'm a girl that just wants to have fun.- Yeah?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09How's that "fun" working out for you?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Great, thank you. - You don't find that all the
0:19:12 > 0:19:15booze, the drugs and the casual sex just gets a bit boring after a while?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16No. Never. It's all great.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I bet all your friends are all married with kids,
0:19:19 > 0:19:20but you don't give a shit because
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- you're having it large, 24/7? - Exactly.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Because what you really love is waking up alone day after day,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28year after year.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It's surprisingly rare for me to wake up alone.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Oh, no, sure, sure, there's a human body next to you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Sometimes more than one, am I right? - Mm...- Yeah.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Except the more people you sleep with, the more lonely you feel.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Which is ironic, isn't it? - Who are you, Shithead Sherlock?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45No, I'm just a recovering alcoholic.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I can smell the disease a mile off.
0:19:47 > 0:19:53I used to get pissed and high every single day. It's kind of who I was.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54You know?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- I was fun Charlie.- Sounds fun.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Mm. That was ten years ago.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I fought a battle against my own compulsions - and I won.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04SHE SIGHS
0:20:04 > 0:20:06And my message from the battlefield is, so can you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09What makes you think I would want to?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Every single thing about you?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13OK, I see what you're trying to do here. OK?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Turning the tables on me and winkling away at me
0:20:15 > 0:20:17until you can find my weak spot.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well, you can take your little winkle-picker
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and you can shove it up your ass.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25NEWS REPORTER: And today,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27the community has came out in force...
0:20:27 > 0:20:31..After Charlie's disappearance.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It's probably a waste of time, but it's the last place
0:20:35 > 0:20:37he was spotted, so you never know...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Well, you may be going through hell,
0:20:39 > 0:20:43but you're not going through it alone, OK?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Thanks, Joel.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- They've started. - Hmm?- The line.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51DOG BARKS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh. Yep.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Joel? Joel Jordan?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Yeah?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Andrew Bennett.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I was at St Brendan's, with you and Charlie?
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Oh, yeah. Andrew. Great. Great to see you. How are things?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Well, not so good. Considering.- Hmm?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, Charlie?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Yeah. God, it's terrible, isn't it? It's fucking terrible!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35What the hell could have happened to him?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It's like a... It's like a really weird mystery.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yeah, I live in the Midlands now,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42but as soon as I heard, I thought, yep, get back and help.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I didn't know you and Charlie were that close?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Well, we haven't spoken in a while, but, yeah, we used to be.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Right. No. Yeah. Well, it's good that you've got the time...
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- to come down.- I don't have the time. I actually made the time.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Right, yeah. It's great.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we?- Truth?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03What do you mean, "The truth"?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06You think there's some sort of cover-up?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Er, the truth about where Charlie is, because nobody knows.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I'm sure we'll find something. I've got a good feeling about it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Yeah.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17SIGHING: Although if we do find something,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20it will almost definitely be incredibly grim and horrible.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Maybe - or maybe not.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Maybe Charlie's curled up under a sycamore tree,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28in a potato sack, having a really long sleep.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33If he is, I'll be all like, "Get up, you lazy bastard!"
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Found anything yet? - Oh... Nope.- OK.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Well, let me know if you do. - Well, obviously.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I'm not going to keep it a secret, am I?!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Why the hell would I do that?!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Give me that.
0:22:56 > 0:22:5817.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- "Does an irresistible impulse arise when sex is offered?"- Yeah.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Well, you don't want to look a gift cock in the Jap's-eye.
0:23:06 > 0:23:1018. "Do you ever feel guilt, remorse or depression after sex?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:11- If it's gone well.- 19.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15"Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible
0:23:15 > 0:23:16"after the act?"
0:23:16 > 0:23:18OK.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22If you'd fucked the lowlifes I've fucked, then you would too.
0:23:23 > 0:23:2820. "Do you care if your sexual partner reaches climax or not?"
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Hm... I wouldn't say that I don't care.
0:23:31 > 0:23:37It's more like a non-essential added bonus.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Ah! 19 and a half out of 20. Guess I scraped by!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Yeah, I don't think it works like that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:4619-and-a-half is almost 20.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- But it's not 20, though, is it?- Fine.- Ha!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Fine, it's not 20.
0:23:54 > 0:24:02I had an AA sponsee who was a sex addict once, it almost destroyed him.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05If anything, it's worse than being an alcoholic,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09cos you're carrying a minibar around in your pants.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Do you really think that I'm an addict?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- It's not for me to... - Just tell me.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Ah, it depends on how you define addict.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23When you do the same thing over and over and you can't stop,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25and even when you try to stop, you can't.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Mm...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33OK, so then...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38..how did you stop drinking?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- I'm asking for a friend. - Stopping was the easy part.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I stopped every morning. It was the staying stopped that was tricky.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I tried everything I could think of,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53but the only thing that worked was to stop trying to do it on my own.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57So I asked for help.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02You only really need three things to get sober, it's like - honesty,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05open-mindedness and willingness.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Uh-oh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- Thar she blows. - Ha...
0:25:16 > 0:25:20I think it'll suit you. Give you a bit of edge.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Yeah, clumpy hair.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- If you want, I could just shave it off for you?- Yeah?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yeah, I mean, it's going to come off anyway...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Fuck it. - OK!
0:25:37 > 0:25:38OK.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42HE COUGHS
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I imagine this wasn't what you had mind
0:26:05 > 0:26:07when you got your medical degree.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I don't know what I had in mind.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I just thought I might look hot in a white coat.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14But we don't even wear those white coats any more.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18What, so being a doctor wasn't your lifelong dream?
0:26:18 > 0:26:19I thought it was.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24But it turns out being a doctor is not all walking around with
0:26:24 > 0:26:28a clipboard looking important.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33It's exhausting and endless, all the other doctors are uptight assholes,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36plus, half the people you make better just end up getting sick again.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Oh, those selfish pricks.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I know, right, it's like, "What part of, 'Stop smoking
0:26:41 > 0:26:45" 'and eating cakes,' don't you dickheads understand?"
0:26:45 > 0:26:47HE LAUGHS
0:26:49 > 0:26:51That feels pretty good...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56TALK CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Hey.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Oh, what you reading?- Nothing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15It's just how bored I am.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- It's so boring here.- Well, do you fancy a cheeky nightcap?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21No, thank you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Night, Joel.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Yeah.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Joel.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Yeah?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Shut the door!- OK.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04CELLIST PLAYS
0:28:05 > 0:28:06So this is what's so important?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Going to look at this old bridge? - Oh, it's important.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12So important you can't tell me anything about it?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Some things you just have to see for yourself.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Ta-da!
0:28:17 > 0:28:21I see. You tricked me into having lunch with you. Cool.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- Let's go back...- No, wait, wait,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25come on, let's at least eat first,
0:28:25 > 0:28:29you've no idea how expensive all this was...
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Sorry, probably shouldn't have
0:28:31 > 0:28:33kicked off with the money/guilt angle.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Fine.
0:28:38 > 0:28:44Old bridge, torch, cellist, butler, fruit bowl,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46lunch of my fucking dreams.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Thanks.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Oh, no, thanks.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Oh, no, I've made sure the champagne's alcohol-free because
0:28:57 > 0:29:01I know you've stopped drinking and I respect and admire that.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05Although, one word of warning, look what happened to...
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Chester when he stopped drinking.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Not taking drugs is OK, as long as
0:29:09 > 0:29:11they're not life-saving cancer drugs!
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Am I right?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Anyway, here's to Chester.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23Look, I appreciate the effort, but you shouldn't have bothered.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24Not like,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26- HIGH VOICE:- "Oh, you really shouldn't have."
0:29:26 > 0:29:28But, like, you really, really shouldn't have.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30I don't want you to take this personally,
0:29:30 > 0:29:34but I have absolutely zero interest in a relationship with you.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39How am I supposed to not take that personally?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42And I'm taking a time-out from sex.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45I should actually apologise to you for screwing you in the first place.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49No, no, no, please don't. I was in a loveless marriage for a decade.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53That was... That was the best sex I've basically ever had.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55What? That hungover fuck?
0:29:55 > 0:29:58We only did it twice in, like, two positions.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00How many positions are really that great anyway?
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Who's going around doing the wheelbarrow?
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- You've never done the wheelbarrow? - Look.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08What I'm saying, basically, is,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I love you.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11Oh, my God.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15- No, you don't.- How do you know? - Because I just know, OK.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And because - you really shouldn't.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25One little nostril-full?
0:30:25 > 0:30:30No, I'm out of the game. Retired, undefeated.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Did Chester tell you to read that book that you've been reading?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36- No.- You've been spending an awful lot of time "checking on him" -
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I've noticed.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Yep, because I'm a doctor and he's a patient
0:30:40 > 0:30:43and that's the reason why you're paying me to be here?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45HE SNORTS
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- Are you sure you know what you're doing?- I'm snorting coke.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50I don't think you need a medical degree for that!
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Just pace yourself.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55So what's Chester been telling you about me?
0:30:55 > 0:30:57You're paranoid.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Number three on my list of reasons to stop taking coke.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02- MIMICS HER:- Number three on my list of reasons...
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Oooh, you've been inducted into the Cult of Chester.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Aren't you worried that your charismatic guru is in
0:31:08 > 0:31:10fact a suicidal idiot?
0:31:10 > 0:31:14- Right. I'm ready to go now.- No! No - the, the doves?- The what?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- SIGHING:- Release the doves.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21DOVES COO
0:31:31 > 0:31:33"..I wouldn't care if you're a vegetable,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36"a mineral or a plastic drinks carton.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38"We're both matter, and you matter to me.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41"I love you and I don't care what the Galactic Order have to
0:31:41 > 0:31:43"say about it."
0:31:43 > 0:31:44It's stupid.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- You hate it.- No, I don't, I don't. I like it!
0:31:48 > 0:31:50You're only listening because you're my prisoner.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53- It's like Misery, if Kathy Bates was also a novelist.- It's great.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57It's different and it's witty, it's good.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02- So, the female robot... - Synthezoid.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Sorry, yep, sorry,
0:32:04 > 0:32:08the female synthezoid who is in love with the male synthezoid,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10but they've never got together...
0:32:12 > 0:32:14That's you and Joel, right?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16No, of course not.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22I can make things up. It's called creative writing.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26You don't have to do all this just to please Joel, you know.
0:32:26 > 0:32:27I'm not.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Cos you're your own woman with your own mind -
0:32:30 > 0:32:32- and an amazing one at that... - I know that.
0:32:32 > 0:32:33I'm aware of that.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Well, then, why don't you do the decent thing and just unchain me
0:32:36 > 0:32:38and let me go home, Tess?
0:32:38 > 0:32:42Because then you'd be dead. That doesn't sound very decent to me.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45I'm not doing this to please Joel.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49I'm doing it because, annoyingly, he happens to be right.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Do you want to hear the rest of the chapter...?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- I'll take that as a no. - It's the drugs.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02HE COUGHS
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Please, please stop injecting me with the drugs?
0:33:06 > 0:33:11- The drugs will save your life. - I'm feeling worse every day.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13I feel weaker after every treatment.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17I know you want to save me, but you're not.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21You're just making me worse.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Everyone knows the chemotherapy's horrible, but it works...
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Look at my lump, my lump hasn't even gone down!
0:33:26 > 0:33:29How can it be working if my lump's not gone down?!
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Well, it's not getting any bigger.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33So I suppose it depends
0:33:33 > 0:33:36if you're a lump-half-full or a lump-half-empty kind of person?
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Can you at least get me some natural medicine?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42I'll think about it.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43Thank you.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I'd better get back to my desk.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51You better had, cos I want to know what happens next.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55I don't believe you're completely lying.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58And it's truly pathetic how encouraging that is.
0:34:16 > 0:34:17Who set that up?
0:34:17 > 0:34:20Andrew Bennett. From sixth form.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Oh, my God, not that self-important misery hound.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Where the fuck was Andrew Bennett
0:34:26 > 0:34:29when Charlie was murdering himself with carrot juice?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31And there's a sponsored yoga marathon at
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Charlie's health centre tomorrow.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37To "raise awareness and funds towards a reward for information".
0:34:37 > 0:34:38Oh, Jesus.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Maybe it's not such a horrible idea?
0:34:46 > 0:34:50I mean, it's good to keep the search for Charlie in the public eye.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52It's dropped down the news agenda lately,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55- and the police operation seems to be winding down...- Yes.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58And that's very, very good news for us.
0:34:58 > 0:34:59It would be even better if it
0:34:59 > 0:35:01slipped off the news agenda completely
0:35:01 > 0:35:03and the police forgot Charlie ever existed.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Haven't those hippy arseholes done enough?
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Yeah. Those hippy arseholes.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Thank you so much for organising all this.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Charlie was there for me when I needed him.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18And the added bonus is that I get to spend more time with you!
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I know you're not a fan of the natural health stuff...
0:35:21 > 0:35:23I owe you an apology about that.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26I was ignorant and intolerant.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30I think what you and Charlie were doing was amazing.
0:35:30 > 0:35:31- BACKGROUND:- Lovely, Stephen...
0:35:31 > 0:35:35- I just wish he was here, so you could carry on doing it.- Me too.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Feet facing forward.
0:35:38 > 0:35:39You know,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42I've been leaning on Talbot to get the cops to pull their fingers out.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45I'm sure they're doing the best they can.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Well, you've seen all the stuff in the press.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49About Charlie killing himself.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- Yeah.- Well, the cops are afraid to say it to my face,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54but I know they think it's suicide.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56- Right.- Well... they haven't found a body.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00I mean, who kills themselves and hides their own body?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Lord Lucan?
0:36:03 > 0:36:05The guy from the Manic Street Preachers?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- Oh, God, you agree with them... - Oh, no, no, no, no,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11- I was just...- Everybody thinks he's killed himself...
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Excuse me, are you Charlie's wife?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Er, yes... Yes, I am.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I read about your story and I'm a psychic.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- Oh, for fuck...- I don't want to offend anyone,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I just wanted to let you know I've received
0:36:23 > 0:36:25- a message from Charlie. - A message?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- What message?- Don't listen to her. She's a mental banglist.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30He's on the other side now.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34He wants you to know he's fine, he's where he needs to be.
0:36:34 > 0:36:38All he wants is for you and your girls to move on with your lives.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39Oi, Mystic Meg.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41If you're going to make up some bullshit,
0:36:41 > 0:36:44at least make up some nice bullshit?
0:36:44 > 0:36:45I hope you find some peace.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51She's all right for peace, thank you, we're fine.
0:37:04 > 0:37:09Oh, hey, it's chemo time!
0:37:31 > 0:37:34So...
0:37:34 > 0:37:36I collared the postie.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Hoxsey Therapy,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42and some herbs thrown in for good measure.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Thank you, thank you so much.
0:37:46 > 0:37:51If I have any chance of getting better - this is it.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- Hi.- Hey!
0:38:33 > 0:38:34So...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- ..I finished that book that you recommended.- And?
0:38:39 > 0:38:44Could have done with a few more jokes, but I think I get the gist.
0:38:44 > 0:38:49Consuming your body weight in drugs and booze is not a very good idea.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55By the way, don't stop smoking that roach on my account.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58That...? Why would you think that I would do that?
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Just the fact it was in your mouth 15 seconds ago.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Look, I'm not your higher power...
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Did you ever see me building you a shrine?
0:39:08 > 0:39:10If you want to stop, then stop.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13But do it for yourself.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- Don't do it for me. Don't do it for anyone else.- Yes, I know that.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17You really don't have to tell me that.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29CHILDREN SCREECH AND BELL RINGS
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Just a sec!
0:39:36 > 0:39:39Joel! Great to see you...
0:39:39 > 0:39:40CLANGING
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Sorry - is it a bad time?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44No, I'm just doing lunch...
0:39:45 > 0:39:47That was your fault.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52It wasn't my fault! It was the ball's fault!
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Right, what this situation calls for is a boat-full
0:39:56 > 0:39:59of Uncle Joel's speciality - vegetarian gravy.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Thanks, Joel.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07TV BLARES
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Normally I wouldn't
0:40:09 > 0:40:14let them have TV time during the day but they've been acting up lately.
0:40:14 > 0:40:20If you come back next week, I'll be microwaving pizza and chain-smoking.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Anyway, enough about me, how's everything with you?
0:40:25 > 0:40:31How's the internet dating? Met anyone nice? Or at least, not mental?
0:40:31 > 0:40:35Uh, kind of. Yeah, she is a bit mental, though.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37But - sexy mental.
0:40:37 > 0:40:43The main problem with Nadia is that she doesn't like spending time
0:40:43 > 0:40:46- with me or having sex with me. - That can be a sign.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49THEY CHUCKLE
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Oh, God, I'm sorry...
0:40:55 > 0:40:58- I can go...?- No, don't.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02Erm, I feel guilty that I should be having a nice time...
0:41:02 > 0:41:07I know Charlie's not here. Charlie's not safe.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Right, don't beat yourself up.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13He'd want you to have a nice time, wherever he is.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16For the first time, I feel like I'm giving up hope.
0:41:16 > 0:41:21Right, you can't give up hope, OK? Never, never give up hope.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24It's been two months, Joel. He wouldn't kill himself.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27OK, the Charlie I know - he just wouldn't.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30But what other explanation could there be?
0:41:30 > 0:41:35Megan is so smart and I've been trying to reassure her, but she just,
0:41:35 > 0:41:39she knows something's really, really wrong...
0:41:39 > 0:41:41SHE SOBS
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Charlie's not dead.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- Well, then where the fuck is he?! - He's in Scotland.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52What?
0:41:52 > 0:41:54He's in the Outer Hebrides.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Why the fuck would he go there without telling me?
0:41:56 > 0:41:57Well, he sent me a Snapchat.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00That's actually why I came over, to tell you...
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Why the fuck didn't you tell me that an hour ago?!
0:42:02 > 0:42:04- You were in the middle of lunch, I...- Lunch?!
0:42:04 > 0:42:07Look, I just wanted to find the right moment because...
0:42:07 > 0:42:10because it's not all good news.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12- What do you mean? Is he hurt? - Not exactly.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17He gave me strict instructions not to tell you.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19But the truth is...
0:42:21 > 0:42:23..he's gone off with Tess.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Tess?
0:42:26 > 0:42:28According to Charlie, they're in love.
0:42:31 > 0:42:32Show me the message.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36I can't.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Snapchat deletes your message, like, ten seconds after you send it.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44But Charlie is alive! That's the headline. That's good news, right?
0:42:44 > 0:42:47- It's the best news!- Charlie and Tess...?- I know.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50I know. I couldn't believe it either.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53It's kind of incredible. But there you go.
0:42:53 > 0:42:54Shit happens.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00- Have you told the police? - The police. Of course.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04The police. Er... no, I have not told the police.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06- But of course, I'm going to tell to the police!- Mum?
0:43:06 > 0:43:10- What's going on? Why are you shouting?- Erm, it's OK.
0:43:10 > 0:43:16Joel's heard from Daddy. He's OK. He's just... He's gone on a long trip.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20- When's he coming back? - I don't know, I wish I did!
0:43:22 > 0:43:28But if I had to guess, I'd say, four weeks? There or thereabouts?
0:43:28 > 0:43:30He said that?
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Er, no. No. It's just a hunch.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38TV PLAYS
0:43:40 > 0:43:45For the record, I am almost a month sober.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47- And it wasn't even that hard. - So...
0:43:48 > 0:43:49..I wasn't that hard?
0:43:52 > 0:43:55- OK, it was pretty hard. - I'm proud of you.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57- Fuck you! - No, I am! I'm serious.
0:43:57 > 0:44:01You're doing way better than I was in my first month.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05- You're doing the hard work. - The hard work of not putting
0:44:05 > 0:44:08the bottle to my lips, and the
0:44:08 > 0:44:11powder up my nose, and the cock up my pussy?
0:44:11 > 0:44:12Ohhh...yeah...
0:44:12 > 0:44:15- Yeah. - Because sometimes not
0:44:15 > 0:44:19doing something, like that, is the hardest thing in the world.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25You know, I remember when I was first trying to get clean
0:44:25 > 0:44:28and I was in a bar and ordered my favourite drink -
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Martini.
0:44:32 > 0:44:36But I had this flash that if I was going to take that first sip...
0:44:36 > 0:44:39I would lose the next 12 hours of my life...
0:44:40 > 0:44:42..and wake up in a gutter somewhere.
0:44:45 > 0:44:51And I stared at that fucking Martini...for, like, an hour.
0:44:54 > 0:44:56But I never picked it up.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00I actually woke up in a gutter once.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02- Yeah?- Yeah. Yeah.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05The worst part was it was right outside my flat.
0:45:05 > 0:45:07It was very hard to get the neighbours to take me
0:45:07 > 0:45:11seriously at the next freeholders' meeting.
0:45:11 > 0:45:12HE CHUCKLES
0:45:14 > 0:45:19It's very nice to have someone to talk to about...all this stuff.
0:45:19 > 0:45:23Same. You're my one bright light in this pitch-black cave.
0:45:23 > 0:45:27Oh, you mean, out of all your kidnappers, I'm your favourite?
0:45:29 > 0:45:32I think I might have just a teeny bit of Stockholm Syndrome.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50You're not tied down this time, so you don't have any excuse.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54Well, I won't tell if you don't.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Sea bass, greens and rice, all the food groups!
0:46:02 > 0:46:04Thanks.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21He definitely mentioned the Outer Hebrides.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24And Tess. That's all I can remember, really.
0:46:26 > 0:46:30Why did you clear your phone history after receiving this
0:46:30 > 0:46:33incredibly important message?
0:46:33 > 0:46:37I think I was just so shocked...
0:46:37 > 0:46:40You know, I panicked. It was a panic clear.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43I don't know what the fuck's going on, to be honest with you.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46It was hard enough finding out that one of your oldest friends has
0:46:46 > 0:46:51got cancer, then he disappears and then I find out he's
0:46:51 > 0:46:54gone off with my other oldest friends.
0:46:54 > 0:46:55It's just...
0:46:55 > 0:46:58a little bit too much,
0:46:58 > 0:47:00to be honest with you.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05You see, normally forensics would be
0:47:05 > 0:47:11- able to find a digital trace of your Snapchat message...- Would they?
0:47:12 > 0:47:15God, they don't advertise that, do they?
0:47:15 > 0:47:17The sneaky Snapchat bastards.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21- But we can't find anything on yours.- That's weird.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23Yeah.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31KNOCKING
0:47:31 > 0:47:34Hey, I'm in the middle of a chapter...
0:47:34 > 0:47:36Um, there's something I need to talk to you about.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39- What?- Right. Um, well,
0:47:39 > 0:47:42basically, you know how you said that I shouldn't go and see Kira?
0:47:42 > 0:47:47- Yes.- Well, I kind of went to see Kira.- What?! When?
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Today. And last week. And a couple of days before that.
0:47:50 > 0:47:56- How many times?- Maybe six. Eight? 12, max.- Jesus Christ.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58I thought we were a team, I thought ...
0:47:58 > 0:48:01Sorry to interrupt, but you might want to press
0:48:01 > 0:48:06pause on your freak-out because it kind of gets a bit worse.
0:48:06 > 0:48:10You know how I said that I wanted to tell Kira that Charlie's OK?
0:48:10 > 0:48:14- Yes?- Today, I told Kira that Charlie's OK.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17- Did you tell her he's here?! - No! No. Of course not!
0:48:17 > 0:48:21I'm not that stupid. I told her he ran off to Scotland with you.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24- And then I kind of told the police. - Oh, my God.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27Anyway, I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Did you tell Kira that Charlie and I are...a couple?
0:48:30 > 0:48:32Well, yeah, I mean, why else would you run off together?
0:48:32 > 0:48:35Oh, my God!
0:48:35 > 0:48:36Look, I know it looks bad and I
0:48:36 > 0:48:39didn't plan on doing it, but Kira, she was
0:48:39 > 0:48:44so upset, especially because all the attention's winding down.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47My yoga marathon did not have the awareness-raising effect
0:48:47 > 0:48:50- that we were hoping for. - YOUR yoga marathon?
0:48:50 > 0:48:54Well, Harry organised all the yoga, I was on the admin side.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56I'm so sorry you failed to raise awareness.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59- That must be so disappointing for you.- Look, I fucked up.
0:48:59 > 0:49:02OK? I shouldn't have said what I said.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04But you don't understand how hard it was seeing her like that -
0:49:04 > 0:49:06- she was so upset... - I understand completely!
0:49:06 > 0:49:09That's why I told you not to go and fucking see her in the first place!
0:49:09 > 0:49:12I know why you did this. You're still in love with her.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14In love with Kira?
0:49:14 > 0:49:16I'm not in love with her, I've never been in love with her!
0:49:16 > 0:49:20This is me you're talking to, I remember what you were, like, in sixth form...
0:49:20 > 0:49:24- I only went out with her for two weeks!- Yeah. And when she dumped you for Charlie, you didn't shut
0:49:24 > 0:49:27- up about it for a year! - 20 years ago!- So what?
0:49:27 > 0:49:29If you had any more of a torch for her,
0:49:29 > 0:49:31you'd be marching up to Frankenstein's castle.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34- SIGHS:- How did she react? When you told her?
0:49:34 > 0:49:37Well, she was relieved, obviously.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40- But pretty confused. - And angry with me?- Oh, yeah.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42- Big time.- Great. Thanks for that.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45Well, at least she's... differently upset.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48A change is as good as a rest.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52Look, I'm sorry, OK? I shouldn't have said what I said,
0:49:52 > 0:49:55but it seemed like a good idea at the time!
0:49:55 > 0:49:57It ticked a lot of boxes!
0:49:57 > 0:50:00One of the boxes being, "Tess, the marriage-wrecking cancer slut"?
0:50:15 > 0:50:16- How you feeling?- Er...
0:50:19 > 0:50:21..no shittier than usual.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24You know, I have this special medicine that could help relieve
0:50:24 > 0:50:27some of the side-effects, if you feel like trying it.
0:50:30 > 0:50:31- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:50:32 > 0:50:35It's kind of like an alternative thing,
0:50:35 > 0:50:37so it might be right up your street.
0:50:50 > 0:50:53Are you sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety?
0:50:53 > 0:50:55It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Sorry.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04- I don't know why I just said... - I think I love you too.
0:51:14 > 0:51:18How about you use your incredible computer skills to fire off some
0:51:18 > 0:51:20e-mails from Charlie?
0:51:20 > 0:51:23"I'm with Tess, can't tell you where, soz."
0:51:23 > 0:51:26The police won't investigate cos there's nothing to investigate!
0:51:26 > 0:51:29You can't arrest someone for going on holiday!
0:51:29 > 0:51:32All you need to do is leave a trail of fake digital
0:51:32 > 0:51:35breadcrumbs to keep them off our scent!
0:51:35 > 0:51:37Do you have any idea how long making these
0:51:37 > 0:51:39digital breadcrumbs is going to take?
0:51:39 > 0:51:42- No. - At a guess, I'd say fucking ages.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44I'm two-thirds of the way through my novel,
0:51:44 > 0:51:47the last thing I need is to take a week off to go on bloody holiday.
0:51:47 > 0:51:51I came here to save Charlie and write my book,
0:51:51 > 0:51:52not to be your IT slave!
0:51:52 > 0:51:55That's the hellish fate I escaped from!
0:52:00 > 0:52:02So, you're not going to do it?
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Of course I'm going to fucking do it!
0:52:04 > 0:52:05Because that's my job, isn't it?
0:52:05 > 0:52:08To clear up whatever stinky pile of shite pours
0:52:08 > 0:52:11out of the hole between your nose and your chin!
0:52:11 > 0:52:13You can have that.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16That's a free hit, I'm not coming back on that.
0:52:22 > 0:52:23Oh, one last thing...
0:52:23 > 0:52:26It would be great if you could make these e-mails
0:52:26 > 0:52:29convincing to the cops, but not too hurtful for Kira.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31OK?
0:52:34 > 0:52:36I mean, if Charlie's having too good a time,
0:52:36 > 0:52:40it's going to be too depressing for her, but he can't have too bad
0:52:40 > 0:52:42a time either, because then she'll be worried.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44Please shut up and leave my room.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46I just need you to go, OK?
0:52:49 > 0:52:53Like, maybe don't go on about how much you love Tess.
0:52:53 > 0:52:57Maybe you should even say that you've dumped Tess.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00"It wasn't working out, she was just too boring." You know,
0:53:00 > 0:53:01something like that?
0:53:01 > 0:53:03You want me to break up with myself?
0:53:03 > 0:53:05It's just an idea.
0:53:07 > 0:53:11We could just leave, just you and me, alone together...
0:53:11 > 0:53:13What about your treatment?
0:53:13 > 0:53:15You've still got two more doses to go.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17We could just do that on the outside.
0:53:17 > 0:53:21I would have 10,000 treatments if you were inserting the cannula.
0:53:21 > 0:53:25- Oh, sexy cancer talk. I like it.- Come on. Come on.
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Let's just go.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35Hey...
0:53:35 > 0:53:38I wanted to say sorry...for everything.
0:53:42 > 0:53:46Just be honest with me, are you in love with Charlie?
0:53:46 > 0:53:50I know a lot of girls go for that heroin-chic look.
0:53:54 > 0:53:56Nadia?
0:54:02 > 0:54:03Nadia?!
0:54:03 > 0:54:05NADIA!
0:54:16 > 0:54:17Motherfucker.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19Tess! Tess!
0:54:23 > 0:54:25- TESS!- What?
0:54:25 > 0:54:28He's fucked off, she's fucked off, everyone's fucked off.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30- Fuck!- FUCK!
0:54:30 > 0:54:31ENGINE ROARS
0:54:31 > 0:54:33- Outlaws!- Yeah!
0:54:33 > 0:54:35Struck off Bonnie and Chemo Clyde!
0:54:37 > 0:54:39Come on, floor it. We've got to find them!
0:54:39 > 0:54:42I know we've got to find them, I'm aware that we've got to find them!
0:54:42 > 0:54:44- Well, then, floor it! - I'm not going to floor it.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47If I floor it, we'll hit a tree and die!
0:54:47 > 0:54:50What the fuck are you doing with a crossbow??
0:54:50 > 0:54:52Security. Deliverance-style.
0:54:54 > 0:54:56OK, I know a place we can hide out.
0:54:56 > 0:54:57- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59If you go to the end of this road, turn left,
0:54:59 > 0:55:03- then head south to the A38... - The A38?- Yeah.
0:55:03 > 0:55:06Isn't that on the way to your house?
0:55:06 > 0:55:09It's on the way to loads of houses.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13I don't want to go to my house, I want to go...
0:55:13 > 0:55:15I want to go to a mate's house.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18- A safe house.- A safe house?
0:55:18 > 0:55:21- Yes.- Like in the movies?
0:55:24 > 0:55:26I can't see them.
0:55:26 > 0:55:30- I can't see anything, I think we've lost them.- Just keep driving.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Would you mind putting your crossbow on the back seat?
0:55:32 > 0:55:34Or at least not pointing it at me?
0:55:34 > 0:55:37Trust me, the last thing I want to do is go back to my house.
0:55:38 > 0:55:42Yeah? You want to forget your wife and your kids ever existed?
0:55:45 > 0:55:47Yeah.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56What the hell are you doing?
0:55:56 > 0:55:59I want to have sex with you. Right now.
0:55:59 > 0:56:01I'm not really in the mood.
0:56:01 > 0:56:04- Due to the fact we're driving for our lives?- I need evidence.
0:56:04 > 0:56:07That you're not using me like some kind of...escape horse to
0:56:07 > 0:56:09ride off into the sunset with your wife.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15Hey! No! Look, we've talked about this. You're a sex addict.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17Sex is not the answer to all your problems.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20- No, but this is a pretty good question.- Jesus!
0:56:20 > 0:56:24- And the penis is humanity's greatest lie detector.- Look,
0:56:24 > 0:56:26I'm too sick to have sex.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Safe house, yeah, right.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32Nice safe house with your safe wife and lovely safe kids.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35Your dick's as soft as peanut butter! I knew it, you're faking!
0:56:35 > 0:56:37No!
0:56:37 > 0:56:40- There they are. Come on, floor it! - OK, fine, I'll floor it!
0:56:40 > 0:56:41Please, we have to get...
0:56:41 > 0:56:43- Shit!- I see you! - Oh, shit.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46Oh, shit, shit. Go, go.
0:56:48 > 0:56:52Shit.
0:56:52 > 0:56:54- Hey! Come back here! - Get him.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02I knew he'd seduced you away from me! I fucking knew it!
0:57:02 > 0:57:04He did not seduce me away from you.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07What part of, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you,"
0:57:07 > 0:57:08do you not understand?
0:57:08 > 0:57:10You did want to be in a relationship with me,
0:57:10 > 0:57:12- before you met Charlie.- What?
0:57:12 > 0:57:17- We were having an amazing time. - We were not having an amazing time.
0:57:17 > 0:57:19BOTH STRAIN
0:57:19 > 0:57:21Joel!
0:57:22 > 0:57:24JOEL!
0:57:24 > 0:57:27Right, this is going to end one of two ways -
0:57:27 > 0:57:30you dead from a crossbow bolt,
0:57:30 > 0:57:33or you alive thanks to the miracle of modern medicine!
0:57:38 > 0:57:41- Stop shooting at me, you maniac!- That was a warning shot!
0:57:43 > 0:57:47You knew how I felt about her, but that didn't stop you, did it?
0:57:47 > 0:57:50You saw a way out and you went for it.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52You didn't care about her feelings,
0:57:52 > 0:57:56you didn't care about my feelings, you think you're such a holy,
0:57:56 > 0:57:59enlightened person, but you're a bigger shit than any of us.
0:58:01 > 0:58:04HE GROANS
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Oh, my God.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15That was meant to be another a warning shot!