0:00:00 > 0:00:01We've got two choices.
0:00:01 > 0:00:04We sit back and watch Charlie die or we kidnap him
0:00:04 > 0:00:05and give him chemo until he's cured.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- What do you mean, the truth?- Well, the truth about where Charlie is.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Cos nobody knows.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14He wouldn't kill himself.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- But what other explanation could there be?- He's in Scotland.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- What?- He's gone off with Tess.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25How about we use some of your incredible computer skills
0:00:25 > 0:00:27to fire off some e-mails from Charlie?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Are you sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38I think I love you too.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I need evidence that you are not using me
0:00:43 > 0:00:45like some kind of escape horse.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I see you!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hey, come back here.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Oh, my God.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Charlie?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I'm so sorry.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Charlie?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- CHARLIE GROANS - Oh, thank Christ!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Are you all right? - No, of course I'm not all right!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27You fucking shot me, you arsehole!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30My sperm, you smashed my sperm.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Well, it's your own fault,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33you shouldn't have stolen it in the first place.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35You stole it from me!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Crossbowing a bleeding cancer patient. Nice!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Help me get it out.- No problem.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45God, no, don't. Don't. That kills. Everything fucking kills.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Does it?- That kills, don't fucking do that, please.- Really?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Cos it's incredibly hard to know when you're faking!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Aaaaarghhh!
0:02:25 > 0:02:26"I've given up fucking."
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Given up fucking me, more like.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- You're a liar and a traitor. - You just shot someone.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Yeah, by mistake.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Nadia was just trying to... - Oh, shut up!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36You stole her away from me.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39No, I was just encouraging her to make some healthy life choices.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Oh, you mean dumping me like a bag of hot shit?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I bet you're happy. In fact, you probably helped him.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- You never liked Nadia. - I wouldn't say that.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52I would. This is probably the longest conversation we've ever had.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- We just don't have much in common. - Because you're incredibly boring.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I thought it was more cos you're so self-obsessed.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58If I were that self-obsessed,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I wouldn't have noticed how boring you are.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You didn't really think that he had feelings for you, did you?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12He must have used his training to hypnotise me.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'm a hypnotherapist, I'm not a hypnotist.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Give me a break. Like there's a difference!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18You raped me and thought I loved you,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20you're more delusional than I thought.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22It was only hand rape.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It was for a good cause.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Joel.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Aah! Get out of my...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34It's my car!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Come back!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42- Fuck!- That's that, then.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44She's going to go straight to the police, we're fucked.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47She's not going to go to the police. She's an accomplice.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50We are going to use whatever time we have left to save your life.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Whether you like it or not, you total fucking bastard!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Aargh!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Do you have any idea how much I've spent on curing you?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Would a little gratitude be too much to ask? And why now?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08There's only two doses to go, you twat.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Argh! Agh!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Well, being cured...it's no thanks to you and your poisons.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20It's because of Tess and her herbal remedies.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Tess's what?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Just a bit of horse paste to take the edge off.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Et tu, Little Miss Turncoat? - Fuck you!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Oh, great, now when he's all better,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32he's going to give the credit to some fucking herbs.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Looks like you're living in a nest of traitors.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- Or rather a nest of people who have my best interests at heart.- Yeah?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Prisoner privileges have been revoked.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You are going to be behind bars for the next four weeks.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46And don't try seducing either of us.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49What do I look like - Slaphead Casanova?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It was Nadia who was doing the seducing, not me.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Yeah? You didn't mind it, though, did you?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Didn't mind a little bit of hand relief, admit it.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I am sorry that you have feelings for her, but she is a drug addict,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03an alcoholic and sex addict and you could do so much better.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05A - the truth is you loved it.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And B...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Fuck you!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20No doubt you were bullshitting about my book.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Trying to keep me sweet so you could get your herbs.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's a good book.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30It's got great characters, it's funny, it's gripping, it's sexy.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Do you want me to go on?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Charlie's latest e-mail.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46OK.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Well, at least he's having a nice time.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Although it doesn't seem like he's having THAT nice a time.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Well, where is he getting his medicine in all these remote places?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59He doesn't mention his health at all.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Yeah, that's true, he should probably mention that more.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It is a bit weird, isn't it? But Charlie's alive.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I mean, that's the big picture, that is the headline, right?
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- That butternut squash was so...- He's known Tess as long as he's known me.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Have they been together all of that time?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18No, no, I'm sure it's a very, very recent thing.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21But why would he get together with her now when he gets ill?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22It doesn't make any sense.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26A lot of us have secrets.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Talking of secrets, how did you get that sauce so...?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Oh, Detective Talbot.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Hello, Mrs Taylor, sorry to come by unannounced.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Hope it's not a bad time.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45No, no, no, it's fine. Come on in.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Hi, Mr Jordan. - Hello...Detective.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57We're just finishing dinner.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I've got the perfect pudding if you're not too full.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Red velvet cake. Baked it myself.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Oh, my God, that's so kind.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I don't live too far away, thought you might enjoy it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Well, it's perfect.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I'm actually making a cup of tea, so why don't you take a seat
0:07:15 > 0:07:16and I'll bring it through?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Do you bake?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52No, I don't, actually.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I enjoy it. I find it relaxing.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Yeah?- Red velvet cake's my speciality.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Great, it's a great cake.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05If you get a shop-bought red velvet cake,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07it's usually full of food colouring.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I prefer to use beetroot.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Beetroot?- You can use paprika,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I prefer beetroot.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Here we go.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Thanks very much.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I wanted to give you an informal briefing of where we are.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32There's an officer in the Hebrides looking for Charlie and Tess.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36No sign of them yet. No sightings on any of the ferries
0:08:36 > 0:08:38or in the hotels or...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42..the wild places.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Sadly, we don't have infinite resources
0:08:45 > 0:08:47for missing persons cases,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49but I wanted to give you my personal assurance.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53We will find Charlie...
0:08:53 > 0:08:54wherever he is.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Thank you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Shall I be Mother?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- What the hell are you doing? - Check out my lump album.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Sexier than a Kardashian selfie.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Now you see it...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30..now you don't.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38It's gone. Melted away like butter on a hot fucking griddle.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And me and Tess can administer the medicine perfectly well
0:09:41 > 0:09:43without any help from Dr Evil.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48Maybe it's worked a bit or maybe the Hoxsey Therapy's just kicked in.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51No, it was blasted out of your system
0:09:51 > 0:09:55using a carefully administered regimen of chemotherapy.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Face it, chamomile brain - science beats mumbo jumbo.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You are being cured by good old-fashioned,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06cutting-edge medicine, and you can't handle it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07We'll see.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Because maybe it'll come back, maybe it's just temporary.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Bullshit. Admit it, you were wrong. I was right.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You've been sussed, twanged and thrown out the window.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18All right, fine, maybe...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Maybe I will admit that it's good news.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Good news?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's the best fucking news of all time. Look at you, you look great.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Well, you'd look better with hair, but still.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I do feel a bit better.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Yeah, of course you do, because I have cured your fucking cancer.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I win, you lose.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41But also win.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Does this mean I get to go home?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44One last dose?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I admit it - I was wrong, you were right.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54You've saved my life.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I owe you everything.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Now, I promise I will take that next dose in hospital when I get home.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Yeah, I'd do exactly the same if I was you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13I'd say whatever I needed to say to get out of my cage.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Fine, you're not saving me.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16You're killing me.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You think a hero, you're not. You're not, you're actually a murderer.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Great, the truth, that's more like it.- Why are you doing this?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Why are you so obsessed with poisoning me?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Because I love you, you dick!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Do you? Do you really? Is that it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Or is it just because you're a total fuck-up
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and I am the only friend you've got?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39METAL DOOR SLAMS
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Joel...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Joel, I just want to see my girls.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"Thus did a poor student conquer the glass mountain.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"And by his wits accomplish what many brave knights
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"failed to do by their strength."
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Your audience is unconscious.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55I have that effect on people.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Thanks for reading to them. - Are you sure it's OK?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I don't want to cramp your style.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I don't think I have a style that runs the risk of being cramped.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17You are a very stylish individual.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Your whole hippy housewife vibe.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It's a very happening look.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25You know, the girls really love having someone around
0:13:25 > 0:13:27that Charlie's so close to.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35You know, I never in a million years thought he would do this.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I bet you wouldn't do something like this to your wife.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Of course not.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Especially if I was married to you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:57I mean, I don't want to bad-mouth the guy, but what a selfish dick.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh, God.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15PHONE BLEEPS
0:14:21 > 0:14:23It's Charlie.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Really? At this time of night?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- This doesn't make any sense.- What is it?- He says he's eating aubergines.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33He hates aubergines, why would he be eating aubergines?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35That is a bit weird, isn't it?
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Half of this doesn't even sound like Charlie. What the hell is going on?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- I'm calling Talbot.- No, don't.- Why?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Because it's not enough evidence, is it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You'll be wasting valuable police time.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51But none of this is right. It hasn't felt right from the start, Joel.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52I don't know about that.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It felt pretty much on the money, at least to begin with.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Look, I know how much you want to believe that Charlie's coming back.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I want to believe it too,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05but we both have to face up to the fact that maybe he isn't.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Detective Talbot, it's me, Kira.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Aubergines?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16When have you ever seen Charlie eat a fucking aubergine?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- I'm sorry, I screwed up. - Yeah, damn right you screwed up.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Kira's going out of her mind.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I know Talbot suspects me.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29What?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31The other night, he told me
0:15:31 > 0:15:34in detail, how to make a red velvet cake.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That sounds...nice.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39No, you weren't there.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He said he puts beetroot in the mix.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Beetroot.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47It was code.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50He was letting me know that he'd got to the root
0:15:50 > 0:15:55of what is going on and that he was going to beat me at my own game.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59He knows something. Maybe everything.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Maybe he just knows everything about how to make red velvet cake.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Oh, bullshit! You can't dye a cake with beetroot.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- I think maybe you can.- I can't go back to Kira's now, can I?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Everything's on a knife edge,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I might say or do something that will tip her off to the truth.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Which is exactly why I told you
0:16:14 > 0:16:15not to go round there in the first place.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18You had to send that e-mail late at night, didn't you?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20When you knew that I would be with Kira.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Were you discussing what colour to paint the shed
0:16:23 > 0:16:25or what schools to put the twins down for?
0:16:29 > 0:16:34All right, maybe I do have a remnant of feeling for Kira.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- A pretty big remnant, an overwhelming remnant.- Yes.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43I was on the sofa having a glass of wine with Kira but nothing happened.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45First it was talking, now it's wine.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Wine is not a crime.- All right.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55You've been cock-blocking me for months, haven't you?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I bet you egged Charlie on to get together with Nadia.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01You were probably dripping poison into his ear as well as his arm.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Don't be ridiculous.- You were match-maker for Charlie and Nadia
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and now you are match-breaker for me and Kira.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I didn't match-make or match-break anyone.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Match-break isn't even a word. - Admit it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15You were lobbying against Nadia from the moment she got here.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Of course I was, because it might surprise you to discover
0:17:17 > 0:17:20that I actually give a shit about you and couldn't stand by
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and watch you fall in love with a cock-addicted garbage head.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25No. You're just jealous.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Because you haven't had any for years
0:17:27 > 0:17:29and you couldn't bear to watch anyone else get some.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yeah, you got me, I'm jealous.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You didn't notice me 20 years ago and you still don't notice me.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Well, I'm worth noticing, I'm noticeable.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Sorry, what?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I thought this might be a chance for us to get together.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Like we never did.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58But you always screw it up by humping someone terrible.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00You get together with lunatics like Steph or Nadia
0:18:00 > 0:18:03or you try and fuck your best friend's wife.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Is that why you wanted to come here in the first place? So we could...
0:18:07 > 0:18:08I don't know.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Sort of, maybe.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I don't want to talk about this any more.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29# ..Plying very strange cargo
0:18:31 > 0:18:36# Our soul ships pass by
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# Solo trips to the stars
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# In the sky
0:18:45 > 0:18:48# Gliding so far
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# That the eye cannot follow
0:18:57 > 0:19:01# Where do they go?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# We'll never know. #
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Russia invading Afghanistan.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19History tragically repeating itself.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Afghanistan?- Yes.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23That's heavily fortified. Why not Scandinavia?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Scandinavia's a pushover.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Well, maybe I don't want to attack Scandinavia
0:19:26 > 0:19:29because of its progressive attitude towards social security.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30You're not taking the game seriously.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Just attack Scandinavia, that's the sensible move.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Who are you, Himmler all of a sudden?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You know what? I'm just going to surrender. Turn in.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You can't just surrender when I'm about to win, that's cheating.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It really isn't.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Your turn.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You can force me to be here,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51you can't force me to play a bloody board game.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Oh, I can't, can't I?- No, you can't.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55D'you know what?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I just want to have a little bit of fun with my two best friends
0:19:58 > 0:20:01in my last two weeks of freedom before I go to prison.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Is that too much to ask? - Actually, yes, it is.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Oh, OK.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Oh, for fuck's sake!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12By starting this game, you both signed implicit verbal contracts
0:20:12 > 0:20:14to see it through to the end.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18I am ordering you to invade Scandinavia.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21It's a shame people don't just do what you want, isn't it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Because it would be so which easier
0:20:23 > 0:20:25if they were all just like your little plastic board game army
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- and you could push them across Asia whenever you felt like it.- Yes!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32People should take their medicine.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And when they start fucking you, they should carry on fucking you.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And when they've been your friend for 20 years,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42they shouldn't suddenly reveal that they actually fancy you.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Put the crossbow down, you dickhead. - Why shouldn't I shoot him?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50He doesn't want us to cure him, so why the fuck are we curing him?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54If he wants to die so much, let me put him out of his misery.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Calm down.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00And just stop pointing a lethal weapon at my head.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Because I don't want to die. - Oh, you don't want to die.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08But you don't mind killing my dreams.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- What?- First with Kira, then with Nadia...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You stole them both off me.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Oh, my... Look, I think it's great,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20it's great that you're trying to get over your mental ex-wife
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and find someone new, but if it doesn't work out,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- you can't just blame me. - Of course I can blame you.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Cos you tricked Nadia into falling in love with you
0:21:27 > 0:21:30and now she's gone and it's all your fault.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I didn't trick her, we just had...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34We just had some good conversations.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Just because you lucked out with Kira
0:21:36 > 0:21:38doesn't mean that you can ruin it for everyone else.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I didn't luck out with Kira.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42She's my life.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44She's a life that I worked bloody hard for.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Yeah?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Well, she doesn't need you.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52She's getting on perfectly well without you.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53What?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I mean, she misses you, a bit.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00But her whole world didn't collapse the moment you left
0:22:00 > 0:22:02as much as you'd love to think it would.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- She's fine.- Joel...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Have you spoken to Kira?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I've spoken to her, yeah.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Have you seen her?- I've...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15..been to see her...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17once or twice.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- How is she? How are my girls? - They're fine.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22They must be worried sick.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Hmm. Hmm.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Yeah, they have been extremely worried,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30but then I reassured them that you're alive and well.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Where did you tell them that I am?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- Er, I told them that you're having an affair with Tess.- Joel...
0:22:45 > 0:22:46You fucking...!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53I was trying to help! She thought you'd killed yourself.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57And now she thinks I'm shagging Tess, which is worse.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Thanks for that. Joel, off now!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Don't test me.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Tess was helping with the e-mails.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15At least she was until she fucked it all up.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Fucking aubergine.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20If you're in touch with Kira, can I at least send a message to her?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- No.- Why the fuck not?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Because you might put some sort of secret code in it
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- that will lead the cops here. - Secret code?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Yeah, like all the first letters of the words join up to say,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"Joel's kidnapped me, the twat."
0:23:32 > 0:23:35So you'd rather have her believe that I'm shagging another woman?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Actually, Tess and I have been talking about
0:23:37 > 0:23:39fictional you dumping fictional her,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41so there might be some good news on that front.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I'm trying to figure out which my personalities traits
0:23:43 > 0:23:44- are the most annoying.- Right.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48And where are we on our romantic adventure, just out of interest?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- BOTH:- The Outer Hebrides.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Oh, the Outer Hebrides, that's nice.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55That's nice. Shame that, instead of being in the Outer Hebrides,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59I'm actually chained up in a cage shitting in a bucket.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02It's not a bucket, it's a porta-potty.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Don't be such a drama queen.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11THUMPING MUSIC
0:24:22 > 0:24:24That was great.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- You have got real talent.- Thanks.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Are you free later,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32to maybe go see a movie or watch the Bake Off or something?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I'm not like a weirdo, I really, really admire what you do,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I think it is so empowering. I'm a feminist,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41so I fully support sex workers' rights.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- I'm a dancer, not a sex worker. - Listen, you do you, OK?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Doesn't matter that you're probably deeply damaged in some way,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53either drug issues or some kind of childhood molestation trauma
0:24:53 > 0:24:54or both.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Look, I get paid to dance,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00not to have strangers pass judgment on me, all right?
0:25:00 > 0:25:01You need therapy.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- I've done something brilliant. - Don't tell me, let me guess.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11You've snorted a huge line of cocaine.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Well, yeah, but more brilliant than that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Come on, don't X Factor me. What is it?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20I've extended the lease on this place for another six months.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- What?- Well, how do we know Charlie is really going to be cured
0:25:22 > 0:25:24after three months? Why not make it six or 12?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26You know, just to be sure.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- You want to keep Charlie hostage for a year?- Or maybe even forever.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33He is sort of liking it here. He's sort of fine with it, a bit.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36And you can write another novel. You could write a trilogy.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Leaving you free to move in with Kira.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44I don't know about move in, but I could stay there most of the week.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Do the old school run and stuff and then be back here for weekends.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- We could do shifts.- Oh, you've completely fucking lost it.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Maybe. Maybe it is a crazy plan, but I miss Kira.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I just miss her way more than I ever miss Nadia.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I think I love Kira.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Oh, Jesus!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05If I cure Charlie, my life with Kira is over.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You don't have a life with Kira.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Yes, I do. Vegan roasts.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Bedtime stories. Tearful hugs.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16She's crying over the husband you've kidnapped.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20I know. It's good times. Why can't we have more good times?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Go to bed.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Sleep it off. We'll talk it all through in the morning.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32And my rock bottom was when I ended up in hospital
0:26:32 > 0:26:34because I overdosed on methadone.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Which is really stupid
0:26:37 > 0:26:40because you can't get properly high on methadone.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What an arsehole.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Thank you, Lionel.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48Are there any newcomers who'd like to share or just say hello?
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Hello. My name is Nadia.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00And I'm an addict.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Hi, Nadia. - ALL:- Hi, Nadia.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06There's nothing you can say that will shock us.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07We have heard it all before.
0:27:11 > 0:27:17I guess my rock bottom was when I held this guy hostage
0:27:17 > 0:27:21in a basement for two months and force-fed him drugs.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23And jerked him off against his will.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28God!
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Sorry, I cannot even tell you how good it feels to say that out loud.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Oh, it's really great to be around people that have done
0:27:42 > 0:27:46the same kind of bat-shit crazy stuff that I have.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05He's here. In the supermarket.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- What are you talking about? Who? - Talbot.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11The cop, he's tailing me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13He's buying food colouring.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15His recipe, it's all a con,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17it's food colouring, not fucking beetroot.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- Maybe he just happens to live nearby.- Yeah, like fuck! It's him.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Oh, my God, what if he questions me? What am I going to say?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- I'll probably crack and tell him everything.- Calm down.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- Are you sure it's him? - Yes, it's him.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I didn't see his face, but I know it's him.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33It might be worth checking his actual face.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37He's slipped away.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43God, he's good. Slippery.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- I think the net's closing in. - Of course you do.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50You'll carry on feeling that way until you run out of cocaine.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52It's not the coke.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54All right, maybe it's partly the coke,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57but I saw a helicopter this morning.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Jesus, you're not in fucking Goodfellas!
0:29:00 > 0:29:01RUSTLING SOUNDS
0:29:01 > 0:29:05- What's that noise?- Nothing, I'm just making coffee. Bye, Joel.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Thank you so much for coming.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Have you had homoeopathic treatment before?
0:29:29 > 0:29:30No.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34I'm a qualified doctor, so I don't really believe in it.
0:29:36 > 0:29:41- Right.- But I'm so fucking desperate that I don't give a shit any more.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45OK, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Can I ask what's been going on for you?
0:29:48 > 0:29:52I got dumped recently.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54He was married.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58He pretended that he loved me,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01but it turns out that he was only using me.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42He got me sober.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49I didn't even know what sober looked like before I met him.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Yeah, my husband, he got clean after years of struggling with alcoholism.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55And he says you only need three things -
0:30:55 > 0:30:58honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03Yeah, I've heard...that.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06He sounds like a really nice guy.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Your husband.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Yes, he is.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Well, what kind of stuff do you guys like to do together?
0:31:16 > 0:31:21Well, um...we both like cooking.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24What kind of TV shows do you like to watch?
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Er...don't know really, um...
0:31:28 > 0:31:29Game Of Thrones?
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Game Of Thrones, it's so... It's great.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Isn't it, Game Of Thrones?
0:31:38 > 0:31:39Loose lips sink ships.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- What the fuck?- You're a snitch, you're a stool pigeon.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44- Joel!- You've ratted me out.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49You have sent Charlie to his grave and me to the electric chair.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51- Don't be a maniac.- And all for what?
0:31:51 > 0:31:55- A nice juicy pardon from the lovely judge?- I haven't ratted out anyone.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Mm? Well, who was that cop you were just talking to?
0:31:57 > 0:31:59A friend of a friend who just happens to be
0:31:59 > 0:32:01a member of the Flying Squad?
0:32:01 > 0:32:04It wasn't a cop, it was a publisher. His name is Patrick.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07- A publisher.- Yes.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I sent out the first two chapters of my novel,
0:32:09 > 0:32:10under a pseudonym, of course,
0:32:10 > 0:32:14and he really liked it and offered me a book deal.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17- Right.- I mean, it's an e-book and I have to pay for half the publishing
0:32:17 > 0:32:21and marketing costs, but when we get arrested and famous,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23there'll be a tonne of free publicity.
0:32:23 > 0:32:24Might even be a bestseller.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28So you've risked blowing our cover sky-high for your stupid book?
0:32:28 > 0:32:33It's not a stupid book. It's a genre masterpiece.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34According to Patrick.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44He's really lucky to have you.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Thank you.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51You're just like this lovely, lovely, lovely person.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- You're a lovely person too. - I'm a piece of shit.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57If you knew me better, you would absolutely agree with that.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58Oh, no, I'm sure I wouldn't.
0:32:58 > 0:33:03But I do these...things, but I don't know why.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10Thanks.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16God, that's so unnecessarily nice of you.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Well, I've got two stray cats at home,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24so I guess I've got a soft spot for lost souls.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Huh.
0:33:30 > 0:33:35Look, erm, I know you think you're a weirdo and everything about you
0:33:35 > 0:33:41is wrong and everyone else is happy and perfect, but it's not true.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45My husband, he actually, um...
0:33:45 > 0:33:47he ran off a few months ago.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Oh, my God, that's terrible.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Hm. With another woman.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Yeah?
0:33:56 > 0:34:01One of his oldest friends. And apparently they're in love.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04In Scotland.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Really?- I think so.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12But I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,
0:34:12 > 0:34:13I don't know anything any more.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29You see, the thing is, there's probably, er, definitely,
0:34:29 > 0:34:30an explanation.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- SNORTS - He's not dead, that's the main thing.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46MUTTERING
0:34:57 > 0:35:00LAUGHTER
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Hey, hey, hey.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45I just wanted to say sorry, you know, for the other night.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Threatening you with a crossbow.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49If you want to surrender, you should be allowed to surrender.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52That's in the Geneva Convention, I imagine.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55What about actually shooting me with the crossbow?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that too.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04And about Kira. I shouldn't have gone to see her.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11I have fucked things up even worse than they already were,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13which is a pretty impressive achievement.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Anyway, I found this great tattooist shop in town,
0:36:18 > 0:36:22- got myself inked up.- I'm assuming you were drunk when you did this.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25You can pretty much assume that I'm drunk all the time at the moment.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Isn't it illegal to tattoo someone when they're intoxicated?
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Well, then I guess this tattoo guy is just a maverick outlaw
0:36:31 > 0:36:33who's going to be on the run from the tattoo police.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36But as far as I'm concerned, he's my personal hero.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38And I think you will agree.
0:36:44 > 0:36:45Da-dah!
0:36:47 > 0:36:49What the fuck is that?
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Titanic.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55"Made it, Ma - top of the world!"
0:36:55 > 0:36:58We went to see it when we were in sixth form, remember?
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Double date, you and Bridget Woods, great tits, shame about the teeth.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02Yeah, I think...
0:37:02 > 0:37:05It was my first date with Kira, and my last as it turned out,
0:37:05 > 0:37:08she spent more time looking at you, then she did at Leonardo.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10- The quote... - But it was all three of us,
0:37:10 > 0:37:11all together, having a great time.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15The good old days. So, I thought I'd have it memorialised.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17You know, try and remember why we've done all this crazy stuff
0:37:17 > 0:37:20in the first place cos it's coming to an end soon.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21We might not see each other for a while.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23And if I'm going to prison, which, let's face it,
0:37:23 > 0:37:27I definitely am, might be a good idea to get a tattoo in early.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30I mean, the prisoners probably love Titanic, don't they?
0:37:30 > 0:37:34I mean, who doesn't? It's only the biggest box office hit of all time
0:37:34 > 0:37:36and won 11 fucking Oscars.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39It's "I'm the king of the world," it's not top of the world.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41- CHARLIE SNIGGERS - What?
0:37:41 > 0:37:44The quote, I think that's from a James Cagney movie?
0:37:44 > 0:37:49My dad had it on VHS. You probably watched it at our place.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50Shit.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Well, maybe if I go back now,
0:37:54 > 0:37:57I can, like, get the letters changed before...
0:37:58 > 0:37:59Do they dry?
0:37:59 > 0:38:01My advice would be don't go back
0:38:01 > 0:38:04to the guy who tattooed a drunk maniac.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10This is you all over, isn't it?
0:38:10 > 0:38:14I try and do something nice for you and you piss all over it.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Oh, come on.
0:38:20 > 0:38:21Do you know...
0:38:22 > 0:38:25..you take away everything that's important to me?
0:38:27 > 0:38:29I was the one who introduced you to Kira.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33If it wasn't for me, you never would have met.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41So this whole insane kidnap...
0:38:41 > 0:38:45is due to the fact that you are so jealous of me, of my life...
0:38:47 > 0:38:50..that you'd do anything you can to destroy it?
0:38:50 > 0:38:54I'm not trying to destroy your life.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55I'm trying to save it.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Oh, by the way, Kira said that my roast potatoes were better
0:39:05 > 0:39:08than your roast potatoes.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11"Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside."
0:39:11 > 0:39:13That's an exact quote.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33- Time to get up.- No.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36We've got the last dose to administer.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39Oh, screw the chemo.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44Just get me some coke and maybe some heroin.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Forget about the coke, forget about Nadia, forget about Kira
0:39:47 > 0:39:49and most importantly forget about yourself.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51We're almost across the finish line.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53I'm on the last chapter of my novel,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56I never thought I could get a book published or save a man's life.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00- Self-published. - But it turns out I can do both.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03We're going to win this war, but first we've got to invade
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Charlie's immune system with all the battalions we have.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37OK, here, can you take this?
0:40:37 > 0:40:39- Hm?- Joel.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43Fuck!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45That's the last vial.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48- What?- We've no more dacarbazine left.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51I'm hungover.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54I told you to get me some more coke and you wouldn't listen, so...
0:40:54 > 0:40:57The final drug of the final dose and you ruined it!
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Fucking great!
0:41:02 > 0:41:07Maybe I can source some black-market stuff from the Silk Road
0:41:07 > 0:41:08or whatever they're calling it nowadays.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Right, hang on.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Hi, Nadia, it's Joel.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22We miss you.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Anyway, no biggie, but I wondered whether you could give us a hand
0:41:25 > 0:41:29cos we've sort of run out of dacarbazine.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Yeah, so give us a call back. Bye.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34What about the pharmacist?
0:41:34 > 0:41:38- Shazia? She seemed to basically hate us.- Do you have any better ideas?
0:41:38 > 0:41:39Fine.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45Can you do it?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Fuck.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Just play it cool, yeah?
0:41:53 > 0:41:54The thing about having a secret hideout is that
0:41:54 > 0:41:57if you tell everyone where it is, it's no longer a secret.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00There's nowhere safe to meet. Talbot is following me everywhere.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02- I saw him at the Post Office yesterday.- Did you?
0:42:02 > 0:42:04Or did you see a man who resembled Talbot
0:42:04 > 0:42:06by virtue of having face, arms and a body?
0:42:07 > 0:42:10Found the place...eventually.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13- Dacarbazine.- Imidazole Carboxamide? - Yep.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- Now, can I use your loo? - Do you mind if you don't?
0:42:17 > 0:42:21- Oh, real mess in there. - We're pigs.- Yeah, her, right pig.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23SHE OINKS
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Ten grand, plus two more for the express delivery.
0:42:28 > 0:42:29Never agreed to that much.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31That's the outdoor price.
0:42:33 > 0:42:34All right, fine.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Don't suppose you've got any coke while we're at it?
0:42:37 > 0:42:39No, and I don't do cashback either.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45Oh, fuck!
0:42:48 > 0:42:53- Hey.- Hey.- Felt weird not helping you cross the finish line.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56It's like spending months reading a book
0:42:56 > 0:42:58and then skipping the final chapter.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Have you double booked dacarbazine?
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Well, you know, belt and braces.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04How much are you charging, out of interest?
0:43:04 > 0:43:07I was thinking that it might be on the house.
0:43:07 > 0:43:08For old times' sake.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12How's...Chester?
0:43:12 > 0:43:14He's good. Yeah, he's good.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Well, that seems like a very reasonable offer.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- MUFFLED CRIES - Sorry to waste your time, but...
0:43:21 > 0:43:25- Everything all right? - Yeah, we've just got some creatures.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27In the basement.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31- Creatures?- Not creatures...dogs.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Dogs are creatures, that's why I said creatures.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37- These guys train and breed dogs. - Exactly, that's exactly what we do.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41- MUFFLED CRIES CONTINUE - Sorry, just going to go muzzle them.
0:43:41 > 0:43:42Sorry about the mix-up,
0:43:42 > 0:43:45but don't wait around any longer on our account.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48Help!
0:43:48 > 0:43:52Help! My name's Charlie Taylor. I've been kidnapped. Please help me.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55On second thoughts, would you mind staying for a little bit?
0:43:55 > 0:43:57- Grab her phone.- What? - Grab her phone!
0:43:59 > 0:44:02- No! No!- Hurry.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05- The keys.- I'm sorry about this.- No!
0:44:05 > 0:44:07Help!
0:44:08 > 0:44:09Help!
0:44:16 > 0:44:20- Get the fuck off me!- Let's tie her up. Do you have any spare ropes?
0:44:20 > 0:44:22No, I don't have any spare ropes.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24It's not the most stupid question, you do have some rope.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27- Let me go....- We can pin her down with something heavy.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29- The sofa.- What?!
0:44:29 > 0:44:33- Pull the sofa away from the wall. - Could you do it?- Yes.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35No, no, no, no!
0:44:37 > 0:44:40For the record, I'm really sorry about all this.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42- You're crushing me, let me go. - We're not really kidnappers.
0:44:42 > 0:44:45That guy in the basement, he's actually an old friend of ours
0:44:45 > 0:44:48and we're giving him chemotherapy because the NHS turned him down.
0:44:48 > 0:44:50- Those dirty bastards.- Yeah, I mean, you'd better not tell anyone
0:44:50 > 0:44:53because if we do get arrested, then he will die, OK?
0:44:53 > 0:44:54I won't, I promise.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57- OK, I've taken care of Charlie. Where's Shazia?- I'm down here.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Oh, for God's sake, let her go.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02We can't just let her go, she'll run straight to the police.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04- No, I won't.- She sells chemotherapy drugs illegally which means
0:45:04 > 0:45:06she won't be going to the police.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09Yeah, it also means she's dodgy as fuck and can't be trusted!
0:45:09 > 0:45:12I'm not going to go to the police, I promise!
0:45:12 > 0:45:14What are you doing? Get off!
0:45:15 > 0:45:17We're prepared to give you five grand
0:45:17 > 0:45:19- if you promise not to tell the cops. - Yes, I promise.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22She already promised. Why are you giving her five grand
0:45:22 > 0:45:23for a repeat promise?
0:45:23 > 0:45:26Yeah, an envelope full of cash is hardly a legally binding contract.
0:45:26 > 0:45:30What's your plan, then? Keep her behind the sofa like a pet tortoise?
0:45:30 > 0:45:32Why not? Double kidnapping? Double or quits.
0:45:32 > 0:45:33No, one kidnapping's fine.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36No big deal. Doing the double is professional level.
0:45:36 > 0:45:38There's always another option.
0:45:40 > 0:45:43- Please! You don't have the balls to kill her.- Kill me?
0:45:43 > 0:45:46I just wiped my last victim's blood off my crossbow.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49- I reckon Bow-no could do with some fresh meat.- Jesus Christ!
0:45:49 > 0:45:52First, you ruin everything by fucking off with Charlie,
0:45:52 > 0:45:55then you ruin everything by fucking up his last dose.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58I am the only one keeping this sinking ship afloat
0:45:58 > 0:46:00and now you want to add murder to our problems?
0:46:00 > 0:46:02You are such a pair of twats!
0:46:02 > 0:46:04Look, I am the only one
0:46:04 > 0:46:07who is prepared to do whatever it takes to save Charlie.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10Your brilliant plan is to let the witness waltz into the cop shop
0:46:10 > 0:46:13- with a pocket full of my money. - Your ex-wife's money.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16- Fuck you!- Fuck you!- She was the one who helped Charlie escape!
0:46:16 > 0:46:19I may have helped him escape but at least I didn't
0:46:19 > 0:46:21- run off with him to Scotland. - What? How did you...?
0:46:21 > 0:46:22A little bird told me. A little bird
0:46:22 > 0:46:24with lovely feathers by the name of Kira.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26- You went to see Kira? - Yeah, she's smoking hot.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29I can totally see why you wanted to sneak off and bone her.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32- Oh, jealous.- Please! - I did not sneak off and bone her!
0:46:32 > 0:46:34She told me all about your little visits. They sound lovely.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38- Look, Kira needed someone. I was there for her.- I get it.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40She's the Madonna, I'm the whore.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43You wanted me to suck your cock while she baked you spelt bread.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45No, I didn't! I don't even know what spelt bread is.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48- It's bread that tastes of lies. - Oh, it's perfect for you, then.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50- No, actually, I prefer delicious truth loaf!- Guys.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52- BOTH: What?!- Shazia!
0:46:56 > 0:46:59- Shit.- Fuck!- Forget her.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01Let's get on with saving Charlie.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04First things first. Right.
0:47:43 > 0:47:44Ugh!
0:47:47 > 0:47:51Fuck! I wasn't going to run her over, I was trying to frighten her.
0:47:51 > 0:47:55- I was going to swerve, I was going to swerve!- Oh, shit!
0:47:55 > 0:47:58I am not going to be an accessory to murder.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00Well, you will be when she runs straight to the cops
0:48:00 > 0:48:04and they bust us and Charlie doesn't finish his treatment and dies.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07- It'll take her hours to run back to civilisation.- Yeah?
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Well, better use those hours to bleach the fuck out of Charlie
0:48:09 > 0:48:12- before the cops haul us away to the gallows.- The gallows?
0:48:12 > 0:48:15Who do you think you are? The Dick Turpin of chemo?
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Yes.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Well, guess a party's not a party...
0:48:22 > 0:48:24till the cops show up
0:48:24 > 0:48:26and somebody's getting injected with illegal drugs.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44- You're looking well.- Yeah, I know.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47Don't think it's all thanks to you and your amazing wisdom.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50- I don't need your help. - I know you don't.- Well, good.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54- There's a car driving up. I think it's a police car.- What?
0:48:54 > 0:48:57That bitch must have called them as soon as she found a phone box!
0:48:57 > 0:48:59I knew it. I'm going to kill you.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03- As soon as we've saved this twat's life.- I'm going home.
0:49:03 > 0:49:07- I'm actually going home.- Get the drugs in him while I hold them off.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Hold them off?
0:49:11 > 0:49:13Let's finish this.
0:49:58 > 0:50:02This is an outlaw hospital and you do not have an appointment.
0:50:03 > 0:50:07- Shit!- Don't shoot, I've got kids! - Oh, kids, kids!
0:50:07 > 0:50:09Everyone's got fucking kids!
0:50:09 > 0:50:12As if that instantly makes you a worthwhile human being!
0:50:12 > 0:50:15SIRENS WAIL
0:50:18 > 0:50:21Go, go, go! Into position!
0:50:24 > 0:50:25Support!
0:50:32 > 0:50:34TURNS ON MEGAPHONE
0:50:37 > 0:50:38Joel...
0:50:39 > 0:50:41..come down.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43This has got to end.
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Now.
0:50:45 > 0:50:46No!
0:50:46 > 0:50:48I'm finally doing something good with my life.
0:50:48 > 0:50:49You're not going to ruin it!
0:50:49 > 0:50:54- Give me my husband back, you fucking arsehole!- I'm trying to!
0:50:54 > 0:50:58That's the whole idea! I'm trying to give him back to you as good as new!
0:50:58 > 0:51:00Shit, the end is fucked.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03- You fucked up my hand with your driving!- Let me do it.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06I am the doctor. I'm going to save him.
0:51:06 > 0:51:08It's over, Joel. Come down.
0:51:08 > 0:51:14Yeah, come down, Joel. Jump! You know you deserve it, jump!
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Charlie would be dead if it wasn't for me.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21If anyone's the villain around here, it's not me! It's you!
0:51:21 > 0:51:23And just because I've put you through hell
0:51:23 > 0:51:26and you're beautiful and I am madly in love with you doesn't mean
0:51:26 > 0:51:30you're not a deluded, New Age lunatic with blood on your hands!
0:51:31 > 0:51:34- Are you drunk? - No, I'm sober as a fucking judge.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36Right, well, you're going to mess up everything so give it to me.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38Fuck off!
0:51:43 > 0:51:44- POLICE:- Open up!
0:51:44 > 0:51:48- Just give it to me, please! - I can do it! Get your hands off me!
0:51:48 > 0:51:50For God's sake, let me do it!
0:51:50 > 0:51:52What?
0:51:52 > 0:51:53You were right.
0:51:53 > 0:51:56The drugs are curing me, I want to see my girls grow up,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58just let me do it.
0:51:58 > 0:51:59- POLICE:- Open up!
0:52:02 > 0:52:05POLICE RAM DOOR
0:52:07 > 0:52:10We are armed police. Put down your weapons.
0:52:10 > 0:52:13- We don't have any weapons. - We don't have any weapons!
0:52:13 > 0:52:15- No weapons.- Zero weapons, officer!
0:52:17 > 0:52:21It's OK, Mr Taylor, you're safe now. You're going to be OK.
0:52:21 > 0:52:24Yeah. I am.
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Tess.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Tess, is it in?
0:52:30 > 0:52:33- It's in!- It's done!
0:52:36 > 0:52:41- Kira, I'm so sorry about everything.- Hi, Kira.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44I'm sorry, too. Except for what I said about homoeopathy.
0:52:44 > 0:52:45It's total bullshit.
0:52:47 > 0:52:48Did you hear that?
0:52:48 > 0:52:52The drugs are in his system and there's nothing you can do about it.
0:52:52 > 0:52:56I made it, Ma - top of the world!
0:52:56 > 0:52:58Armed police, put the weapon down.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12- KIRA:- Charlie! Charlie!
0:53:50 > 0:53:54ORGANIST PLAYS ABIDE WITH ME
0:54:27 > 0:54:30Such a shame about Andrew Bennett topping himself.
0:54:30 > 0:54:33Well, he liked all that. The grim darkness.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36So, how would you rate Wormwood Scrubs on PrisonAdvisor?
0:54:36 > 0:54:38Do you know what? The service is a bit lacking.
0:54:38 > 0:54:40I'd probably give it minus stars.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43I wouldn't give Holloway repeat business, either.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46Hey, it's those crazy chemo assholes from the news.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50- Oh, hey, it's Dr Cool!- I heard about this cheery little get-together.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52I got the bad case of the FOMO.
0:54:52 > 0:54:56- So, what have you been up to since you got out?- I got fired.
0:54:56 > 0:54:59Struck off. Probably best to put everybody out of their misery.
0:54:59 > 0:55:02I'm actually training to be a massage therapist.
0:55:02 > 0:55:03Of course you are.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05Hey.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10- Hey.- Hey.- Hey!
0:55:13 > 0:55:15- You look great.- Yeah, thank you.
0:55:15 > 0:55:19I feel... I actually feel great.
0:55:19 > 0:55:23- I had a PET scan last week and got the all clear.- Brilliant!
0:55:26 > 0:55:28- And Kira's pregnant.- Wow!
0:55:28 > 0:55:31She's...due in May.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34Amazing.
0:55:34 > 0:55:35Congratulations.
0:55:43 > 0:55:46Look, I just want to explain, what I said about Kira on the roof,
0:55:46 > 0:55:48- it wasn't...- Don't.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50Just...
0:55:51 > 0:55:52..don't.
0:55:56 > 0:56:01- Listen, there's two things that I need to say to you.- Right.
0:56:01 > 0:56:06One - thank you for saving my life.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09And two...
0:56:14 > 0:56:15..goodbye.
0:56:27 > 0:56:28Don't mention it.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35- What's this?- It's coming out next year before Synthezoid.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40- You did it!- Yeah, I did.
0:56:40 > 0:56:44And the second Synthezoid book will come out straight after that.
0:56:44 > 0:56:48It's going to be a trilogy. It's going to be amazing.
0:56:48 > 0:56:52- Yeah, it's going to be good. - Come along, Mr Jordan.- Right.
0:56:52 > 0:56:54Going to make a move.
0:56:55 > 0:56:59Yeah. Don't want to get more grounded than you already are.
0:56:59 > 0:57:03Listen, I've been reading about this teenager in Plymouth who's been
0:57:03 > 0:57:07diagnosed with leukaemia but the poor bastard's a Jehovah's Witness.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09He's refusing a blood transfusion.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12I'll be Category D in, like, a few weeks.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14What do we say we try an intervention? Maybe we could...
0:57:14 > 0:57:17- Joel, we're not the fucking A-Team. - Yeah, not yet.
0:57:19 > 0:57:21# You know I said it's true
0:57:21 > 0:57:23# I can feel the love Can you feel it too?
0:57:23 > 0:57:28# I can feel it ah-ah I can feel it ah-ah
0:57:29 > 0:57:30# You know I said it's true
0:57:30 > 0:57:33# I can feel the love Can you feel it too?
0:57:33 > 0:57:38# I can feel it, ah-ah I can feel it, ah-ah
0:57:39 > 0:57:41# You know I said it's true
0:57:41 > 0:57:45# I can feel the love Can you feel it too?
0:57:45 > 0:57:48# I can feel it, ah, yeah
0:57:48 > 0:57:50# I can feel it, ah-ah
0:57:52 > 0:57:55# You know I said it's true
0:57:55 > 0:57:59# I can feel the love Can you feel it too?
0:57:59 > 0:58:02# I can feel it, ah-ah
0:58:02 > 0:58:05# And you can take it, oh-ah. #