0:00:03 > 0:00:06# For anyone who loves
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# For anyone who feels
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# I'm never giving u-u-u-p
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Until the dream is real
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Until the dream is real. #
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Tommy, I've got two hours between shifts,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- can we watch something else? - It's 4.30 in the afternoon.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Noel Edmonds opening boxes is the only game in town.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Feel free to help out, by the way.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Not my house, Liam, I wouldn't want to impose.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- I'm just working so hard at the moment.- Tell me about it.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43- What do you mean? You've never done a day's work in your life. - You say that like it's a bad thing.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Hi, Uncle Tommy.- All right, lad.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47- Mum gone to work yet?- Not yet,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50but you don't want to talk to her. She's lost it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Mum, what you doing?- Nothing.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Is your arm stuck?- No.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Are you holding a bird?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59No, I...
0:01:00 > 0:01:01It's nothing.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Where is she?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06She's standing outside on the front doorstep.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13What are you doing? It's freezing!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16It's just such a lovely day.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I can't believe you've started smoking again.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I've not started smoking again. I've had a couple of cigarettes.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28In between them I've completely stopped.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Well, you're killing yourself. - Says you!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32You're the one who got me started.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Which kid wears a shirt this size?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36That's mine. Can you sew a button on?
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Sew your own button on, you lazy sod. - What are you on about, lazy?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I'm the one babysitting your kids
0:01:42 > 0:01:44while you two are off gallivanting to work.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Maybe we are working too hard, Liam. - Come on, we need the money.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50We are so close to our dream holiday to Santorini.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I know, but maybe it's not worth it?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56No, no! I'm not doing another two weeks in that caravan.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01Wait, here we go. We can go to the pictures.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Great.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03What's on?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Toy Story!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06The new one?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Even better it's the first one, where it all began!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That film's older than me.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Yes, but this one is on the big screen -
0:02:14 > 0:02:17at Rhyl Civic Centre, eh?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Is it in 3D?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Well... If you include the dimension of time, Steve, yes, it is.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Oh, hey, look!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's stopped raining. We can go down the beach.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28RUMBLING THUNDER AND RATTLING
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What's that?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Hail.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37I know that caravan's not paradise, but it's cheap. Means we don't have to work extra shifts.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- I've hardly seen the kids all week. - Yes, yes, the kids are fine.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45And they're going to love us for giving them the best holiday of their whole lives.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Hi, Chlo! How you doing? What's been happening?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Why won't she talk to me? Have I done something?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You know teenage girls, not happy unless they're sulking.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I'm not having this.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Oh, my God! What did you do to your tongue?- Nothing.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- What? LISPS:- I pierthed it, OK?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07No! No it is not OK.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Well, thorry. You'll jutht have to get uthed to it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Come back here, you. - You can't make me.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I could if I found a big enough magnet!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18There is no way she's keeping that thing!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I know, I know, I know, but if you go up there now there'll be a big fight.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You know, there's more subtle methods.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26What, like doing nothing about it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Just go to work, leave it to me. I'll sort it. Go on.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Mikey, what've you got?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Pasty. It was free at Bob's Bakery.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Really?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Yeah, they just leave them out the back at the end of the day.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Nice and crunchy. - Mikey, Mikey, whoa, whoa, Mikey!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48We've got a rule in this house.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50We don't eat from bins.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You never told me that!
0:03:53 > 0:03:54We didn't think we had to, love.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It's like drinking out of the toilet.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Great, another rule!
0:04:02 > 0:04:03W-w-w, he'll be fine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06If I know Bob's, the danger's more in the pasty than the bin!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09See, this is what happens when we neglect our children.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10They're turning feral!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You're just stressed. Come here, come on!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You know what you need?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17A couple of weeks lying on a beach.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You know they've got Kids' Club?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That's eight whole hours
0:04:21 > 0:04:24when LEGALLY they're someone else's responsibility.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Chloe won't go to Kids' Club.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Chloe won't get through the airport metal detectors, I wouldn't worry.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32A-a-a-ahem!
0:04:32 > 0:04:33BOTH: Woo!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Oh, look at you Dad!- Hello, Jim, you're looking very dapper!
0:04:37 > 0:04:4350 pence, £1, £2.50. You see, if you've got the eye,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and access to all the right car boot sales,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49you can dress like Prince Philip for under a fiver.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I thought you went car booting to sell stuff, not buy it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Well, there's often a lull in the proceedings
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and if I dress like this when I'm selling,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59it can make my merchandise more appealing.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You sell bits of old lawnmower and football programmes.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- You don't sell the steak you sell the sizzle.- Thank you.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08See, he gets it! And it's just as well I'm dressing like this
0:05:08 > 0:05:13because at my most recent sale I met a rather attractive lady.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Yeah, she was after a cable for her obsolete printer.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Amstrad you say?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Well, I don't know much about computers,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23but I might have something in here.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26How about this?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28This is it exactly!
0:05:28 > 0:05:3116 pins, perfect.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- How much did you say it was? - I didn't.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I suppose it's just a question of how much you're prepared to spend,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Mrs, er?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- It's Miss.- Is it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Well, in that case you've just saved yourself 75 pence!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, Jim, there's not many women could resist that!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You sly old dog.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52How much did you charge her?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- Well, it's irrelevant now. We're going out on a date.- Come on.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57£1.50!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Well, I couldn't give it to her could I? She'd feel beholden.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I could've got three quid for it, if I wanted.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Ooh, someone's in love! - Well, I'm pleased for you, Jim.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09About time you met someone nice.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- She's coming round in a minute. - What from? The chloroform?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Round here!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18I just thought you'd, er, like to meet her, see what you think.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I haven't had many friends since Mum died.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22She won't replace us will she, Daddy?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I could replace you with a face drawn on a balloon.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Right, I'm off to the lav!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34HE SINGS
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Oh, good for him! Give him something to do.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's not healthy for a man to spend so much time at an allotment.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And produce so little veg.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Right, I need to get back to work.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- Liam, will you speak to Chloe? - Aye, will do.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- And Mikey about the bin thing. - Check.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- At least Steve's not giving us any problems.- Yeah!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- What?- Nothing.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59- Tommy, what?- Nothing.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I just remembered something that a person said, once.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Liam, is there a problem with Steve?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07No.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Yeah. No.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Look, see, problem's the wrong word.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Difficulty.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16It's just, he's got into a bit of a scrape at school.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- You scratched my DS. - I-I-I'm sorry, it was an accident!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You scratched it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- I'm going to take special interest in you.- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Liam, that's not a scrape, that's bullying.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Sorry, does anyone mind if I have this?- Knock yourself out.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It's from Bob's by the way.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Don't worry, no-one got hurt. - Well, not that time.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47It happened again?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Sort of.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54That's my locker.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Oh, dear, now you've scratched it.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Right, forget work.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I'm going down to that school, staff might still be in.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- No need, I've dealt with it. - Without telling me?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Yeah, I didn't want to worry you. - So what did you do?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Well, I dealt with it, in a very appropriate manner.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Sister Mary, listen... - I've got office hours, Mr Flynn.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- I work during office hours. - So do I.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I don't know what set up you've got going on these days,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22but my son Steve is getting the snot beaten out of him on a daily basis.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- This is the last thing I need. I'm under a lot of pressure.- Why's that?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Me and the wife are working ridiculous hours, to take the family on holiday.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31We're going to the Med, Santorini.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32OK, Steve.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Well, I need you to identify the children who've been doing this.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39And by the way, Santorini is in the Aegean, it's not in the Med.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Well, I can't tell on them. - It's some kid called Dylan.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Yes, it is in the Med, I've got the brochure.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45And I've been there.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Perhaps you didn't take it all in?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Comprehension was never your strong suit.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Is it Dylan Coghlan?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54They let you go to Santorini?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58If by, "them", you mean God, yes, he does let me go to Santorini.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Wow.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Where do you think a nun should go for her holidays?- Ireland?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07You won't tell Dylan I grassed him up, will you?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I will take care of everything, Steve.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Hope you'll enjoy your trip to the Aegean.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- It's the Med.- Aegean. - It's the Med.- Aegean!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19It is the Aegean.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Yeah, I know, I Googled it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25It's all sorted. There's not been a problem since.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Oh, hello, that could be Dad's date.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32If you're looking for your ciggies, they're in that kitchen drawer.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Hello?- Hello?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37It's Theresa, Jim's friend.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Welcome, welcome.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Hiya, I'm Liam, Jim's eldest. - Oh, lovely to meet you.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- And I'm guessing you must be Tommy. - Ah, you guess correctly, Theresa.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Enchante.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Your perfume is exquisite.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Actually, I think that might be Brasso.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Ah!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Brasso, the magic elixir that can turn a tarnished bit of tat
0:10:00 > 0:10:03into something that wouldn't look out of place on, er,
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Cash In The Attic.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07You do have a way with words. Have you done any writing?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Just police statements, you know.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- There's usually an element of fiction!- Oh, you're here!
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Oh, sorry.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19I was in the lav, er, the bathroom and I rather lost sense of time.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Oh, erm, I do hope my two lads have behaved themselves.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- They've been charming. - So, where are you two off to?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- He's taking me to Altrincham, to an antiques fair.- Oh, posh.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh, hello.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Oh, this is Caroline, my daughter-in-law.- Hello, dear.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Have we met before? - I don't think so.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Well, come along, Theresa, your carriage awaits.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Looks like Dad's struck gold there.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Hey, think she's really into him.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I've got a sixth sense about these things.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53She's a nun!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55You what?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, I can't remember her name!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59She used to teach us girls at St Jacobs.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01How can she? She's not wearing a penguin suit!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Half the nuns at that school don't wear the habit.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05She had a crucifix on.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Sister Theresa! - Theresa! Yeah, that's her name.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12We're going to have to tell him before he goes for second base.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Could be ages before he makes a move.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I think you're underestimating our father.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Who knows what he's up to now? Out there, on the top deck.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- They're not getting the bus. - I think you understood my reference.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Someone's got to tell him. - Bagsy not me!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I'll tell him! I'll speak to him, as well as Chloe and Mikey.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- All right, love, see you later.- See you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Better get in myself.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Listen, Tommy, could you do me a favour?- Yeah.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Chloe listens to you. Can you have a word about this tongue piercing?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- It's fine, I already have. - Have you?- Yeah, couple of days ago.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It was me that recommended the place.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- You did what?- Yeah, that's where I had my piercing done, innit.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And how long did that last? Five, six minutes?!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Yeah, very nice. Very nice indeed.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh, yes.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Agh!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Yeah, it was a bit of a health hazard, I suppose.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Can you talk to her again? This time get her to take it out!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- Yeah, no probs.- Right, I'm going.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Oh, and listen, remember, no sugary snacks, no friends round,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21no PlayStation - not until the chores are done.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Yes, I'll tell them!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23I meant you.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30All right, niece?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- Have you come to tell me I'm thtupid too?- No!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Just wondering why you got your tongue pierced?- I had no thioce.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37- Had no what?- No thioce.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I had no thioce.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- You had?- No thioce!
0:12:42 > 0:12:43No toys?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I had to get it done, OK?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48That piercing looks well cool.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You think that's cool?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55You did it to impress a lad? How does that count as no choice?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He wath going to ask Tharah Watthon,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00she's thsposed to be theeing Thteven Baxthter. If he's thingle...
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yeah, fine, I get it! You had no choice.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04It was thcary, actually.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08You can't live your life trying to impress other people.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Tho, does that include Mum and Dad?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Yeah.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Well, do you think I should take it out and thtart to conform?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Well, I don't know... I mean...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I mean, after the traumatic experienthe I thuffered.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Yes, you keep it in.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Thanksth, Uncle Tommy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah, that's fine, it's good. It's a good chat, yeah.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Nephew, how's school? Getting better?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Well, not really cos what happened was...- OK, shush, shush.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Come and tell your Uncle Tommy. Step into my office.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44ALARM CLOCK BEEPS
0:13:45 > 0:13:47No!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50No, no it can't be! I've only just gone to sleep.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59What were you doing then?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I was...looking at the birds.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Caroline, you said you stopped smoking yesterday.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Come on, Liam, it gives me a chance to treat myself a bit.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12That's what the holiday's for. Yet the holiday won't kill you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Really? I'm starting to think it might.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17You have no idea how stressful these extra shifts are.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Oh, you think driving a forklift truck isn't stressful?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Driving around in a little car stacking boxes?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27It's basically go-karting with a bit of Tetris thrown in.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29More like a life and death game of Jenga!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Yet I manage to stay off fags.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Yeah, the thing is, Liam, you deal with boxes, I deal with people.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Ooh, people!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"Hello, Sir, here's your room key." How stressful's that?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Er, yesterday was a nightmare!
0:14:42 > 0:14:47OK, sir, I understand you're upset, but I suggest you open
0:14:47 > 0:14:51the windows, and don't rub it into the carpet any more, OK?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I'll send someone up now to deal with it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Amy, we've got a code orange on the second floor.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Can you take care of it? - I'm not allowed to do those any more.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Health and safety.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05God!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Don't ask!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09D'you want one?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Oh, no, I don't, thanks. I'm just getting some fresh air.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Maybe just a drag. Thanks.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Oh, I've missed you.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34You see? It was basically forced on me.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36She forced you to buy another pack, did she(?)
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Yeah.- Oh, you've got a serious problem.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, look, don't open Brenda's box!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Come on, she's got the hundred grand!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Tommy, what a varied life you lead.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Yeah. After a while you get the knack for this, you know.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Wait.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01A hundred grand, what'd I tell you?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07This is a repeat, innit?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Yeah.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Have you told your Dad about the nun thing yet?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I'm waiting for the right moment.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You'd better get a move on. He's going out with her in a minute.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20So, er, what do you all think of Theresa then?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22OVERLAPPING COMPLIMENTS
0:16:23 > 0:16:26We had a marvellous time at the antiques fair.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I tell you, she's a, she's a gift from heaven.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30I think it might be more of a loan.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- You what? What's going on?- Dad...
0:16:34 > 0:16:38We're not sure Theresa likes you in the way that you think.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40What does that mean?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Well, she likes you, but think you'll find that you're not the main interest in her life.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You mean I've got a rival?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Yep, and he doesn't drive around in a second-hand Vauxhall Astra.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Are you telling me she's got another bloke?- No, not...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Not so much a bloke, it's more of a...
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Super-being.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Not Roy from the dry-cleaners?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04No, your rival is...Jesus.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05What?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07She's a nun, Dad.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09A nun?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11She can't be, I mean,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13she's normal!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16She used to teach me at school. I recognised her straight away.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Well, why's she being so flirty with me then?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Dad, she wasn't being flirty with you. She just feels sorry for you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28She just looks on me as some sad, pathetic old man?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30We think so, yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35So, she's not looking upon me as a sexual being at all?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Well, I don't think anyone has for a while, really.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Thanks very much for telling me.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Er, she's waiting outside in the car.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I'd better go and see what she has to say.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Is that your idea of breaking it to him gently?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59It's-it's an unusual situation. There's no easy way to say it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"You are no longer a sexual being"?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- I didn't say that.- Neither did I. I was just agreeing.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- You've got a visitor. - Ah, Mrs Cooper! Long time no see.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Tommy Flynn, I believe you still owe me an English essay.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17What can we do for you?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- Thanks for walking me home, I'll be all right from here.- Mr Flynn,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24as Steven's Head of Year, I thought I'd come in person
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- and update you on our bully problem. - Oh, good.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28The bully's your son.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32What are you talking about? Steve's not a bully. He'd never hurt anyone.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- He was was being picked on. - Not any more!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I kicked some serious arse!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Steve, we don't use that sort of language.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Come in the kitchen. Let's make Mrs Cooper a cup of tea.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44We won't be a moment.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- What's happening in school?- Nothing. - If it's nothing, what's...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Mikey, Mikey, just give us a minute please, son.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- All right.- Wait! What are you eating?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Mulligatawny soup.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- You're not supposed to go near the cooker.- I didn't!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08They were handing it out at the Community Centre.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- My parents aren't bad, they're just busy.- ALL: Ahhh!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16You can't do that. That food's for the homeless.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Well, if that's how they eat, put me on the streets.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21No, your begging days are over!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24So, first I'm not allowed to root through the bins,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and now I'm not allowed to beg for food?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Mrs Cooper's getting a bit antsy, if you could...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Yeah, I just want to hear Steve's side first.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- What, what are you doing hitting people?- I had to.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37After you got Sister Mary involved, Dylan was really after me.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38How did Dylan even find out?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Well, let's say Sister Mary's Witness Protection Scheme
0:19:41 > 0:19:43DOESN'T really work.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Dylan won't bother you again, Steve. - (I'm going to get you!)
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Oh, God. Why didn't you tell us? - You weren't here.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So, yesterday I went to Uncle Tommy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I just happened to be around.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00You see this bloke here, he's not looking for a fight,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02no, he's full of inner peace.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05But these blokes here, they're from the Hunan province, right?
0:20:05 > 0:20:09They're going to push him too far, for now he's just sat there, he's taking it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13They're laughing at him, but he's sat there...taking it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16He's taking it...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18..taking it...
0:20:18 > 0:20:22..take... It's a bit boring, actually, let's fast forward...
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Right, there's two basic principles to all martial arts -
0:20:27 > 0:20:29surprise and misdirection.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Now, say you were going to kick me, right?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Come at me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36You're being too obvious.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38This is how Jason Statham would do it, yeah?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Now, well, this is a traditional boozer...
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Boom! He's down, look! He's not getting up!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Why? Because I misdirected him by saying hello to this fella
0:20:49 > 0:20:54and then surprised him during the middle of the traditional boozer speech.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Well, all right, so what you're saying is...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Ugh!
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- Yeah, well, you learn quickly. - I could really go for a nice cold...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Ugh! - Finish him!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Leave him, he's had enough, he's had enough!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17You see what's happening, Liam. Tommy's raising our son.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- No, no, he was just... - Liam! Tommy is raising our son.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23A simple thank you would be nice.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- I didn't ask you to talk to Steve. - I know.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29You asked me to talk to Chloe. I did that as well.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- You asked him to talk to Chloe? - We had a good chat, very persuasive.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34She's taking the stud out?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37No, SHE'S very persuasive. She's keeping it in.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Right, the holiday's off! - No, no, come on, we're almost there.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Just stay strong.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Excuse me, Mr Flynn, I haven't got all day.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Steve has got involved in something, but this isn't like him.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50What happened in the playground today was a very ugly scene.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I wasn't looking for trouble,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54but kick a hornet's nest and you're going to get stung.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Well, well, well. Reading a book, eh?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You really think you're it, don't you?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Now, you're really testing my inner peace.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I'm sorry, Steven, I'm not sure that's quite how it happened.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Well, I didn't actually...- I saw it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Either way, it's a good job.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36No, it's not a good job. Fighting's stupid! Doesn't solve anything.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm so sorry, Mrs Cooper, we're going to deal with it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I can promise you it won't happen again.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I hope not. I'm going to be keeping my eye on Steven.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Chloe, Chloe, just go upstairs a minute, love.- Why?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- What's that in your tongue? - Nothing, Mith.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Well, if I see that in school, you'll be suspended.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Oh, don't be too harsh on her, Miss. She's got problems at home.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58No, she hasn't!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Yeah, mother's an addict. Father, he's never really around.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- I would blame the parents.- It'll be the parents who signed her permission slip.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- Her what?- She's 15. She'd need a permission slip to have her tongue pierced.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Well, I certainly never signed a permission slip.- Neither did I. Oh!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh...hang on!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Sorry I'm late, lads, I overslept.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Just get some crisps or something for your breakfast.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- I'm not hungry.- Get some anyway. It's the most important meal of the day.
0:23:25 > 0:23:31- Can you sign this? I've got a trip to the Science and Industry Museum. - I'm running late, love. Here.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Mikey, did you get some food?- No! - Get something on the way.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35You lied to me?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37We are going to The Thience and Induthtry Mutheum.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You inferred the two thingth were connected.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45- You can infer that you're grounded. And that piercing comes out now. - Tho unreathonable!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- She have never got that past me if I was working normal hours.- Exactly!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Look, I'm going to leave you alone now.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- I'm sure you've got things you need to discuss.- Yes. Thank you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You won't have any more problems with Steve, or Chloe.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Did I see Theresa Philbin in a car outside your house?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Oh, Sister Theresa, yeah.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I haven't seen that one since she left the Order.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah, well, it's...
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Since what, sorry?- She left. About ten years ago.- She left?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Can she do that?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16They're nuns, Mr Flynn. It's not the Cosa Nostra.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- So, she's a non-nun? - Yeah, yeah, she is now.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Bye then.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- I didn't want to tell him in the first place.- What are you doing?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Ringing work, someone else can take my shift.- Oh, come on, Caroline!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33All right, fair enough! Adios, Santorini.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38No holiday, no smoking. Deal?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Deal. - DOOR SLAMS
0:24:40 > 0:24:42All right, Dad, you're back early.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Well, there wasn't much to say, was there?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Er, what did you say, Jim?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47I gave it to her straight.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52I said she was a black widow spider, spinning her web of enticements.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53And what was it leading towards?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Not to any physical gratification, oh, no!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Because I'm not a sexual being!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Whoa.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02All she wanted was to do was feel good
0:25:02 > 0:25:05for helping an old man with burgeoning prostate problems.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well, I told her, I said,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"I won't be another notch on your chastity belt."
0:25:11 > 0:25:13And...what did she say?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15She looked a bit confused, to be honest.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Then she just stormed off.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- She didn't say anything else?- No.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Right.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- The thing is, Dad...- Yeah?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27It was probably for the best.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Yeah.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Well, I was getting sick of antiques anyway.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Right, I'm off to the pub.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- It wouldn't have lasted anyway. She'd have moved on.- Yeah.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46If she didn't stick with Jesus, what chance did he have?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Hey, d'you know?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I think this caravan's bigger than last year.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Yeah, I think you're right.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Oh, sorry, love.- Sorry, love.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Yeah, this is well better than Santorini.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05We dodged a bullet there. Constantly having to put on sun cream.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Aye, and drinking too much cos the wine's so cheap.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- Mum, Dad, we found a dead mouse! - I think that cat's bringing them as a present.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Yeah, don't bring it in, love. - Come on, get in.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- Dad, can I go to the fair tonight with Gary?- Who's Gary?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21All right?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I'll have her back by two o'clock.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- No, Chloe, I think you'll be staying in with us tonight.- Urgh! I hate you!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Oi, who's that?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Oh, it's raining again.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Oh, well, who's for...
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Monopoly?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42ALL: Oh, no, please!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Come on!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'm a car. Your mum's a dog!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Way-hay! Come on, cheer up.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54# I know it's going to be all right
0:26:56 > 0:27:01# Forever I'll be by your side
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# For everyone you love
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# For everyone you feel
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# I'm never giving up
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Until the dream is real. #