0:00:03 > 0:00:06# For anyone who loves
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# For anyone who feels
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# I'm never giving up
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Until the dream is real
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Until the dream is real
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# Until the dream is real #
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Happy birthday!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Oh! I thought you'd forgotten!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- As if! - Well, Chloe did, but we didn't.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- We got you a card and a cake. - Thanks, love!
0:00:34 > 0:00:38We had some helium balloons as well, but Mikey inhaled them all.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- Oh, "the best mum in the world"! - You ARE the best mum in the world.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Not the best parent in the world, obviously, but...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- I beg your pardon! - Just saying, that'd be me.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50You? The man who lets them play ball games in the house?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Go, go, go, go, go! GLASS BREAKS
0:00:53 > 0:00:55MIKEY LAUGHS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Listen - if your mum asks, it was your uncle Tommy.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01It's better than leaving them unattended with a box of fireworks.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- SMOKE ALARM BEEPS - Right - the good news is,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- the smoke alarm works.- Oh!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07God!
0:01:07 > 0:01:11So, what have you got planned for my birthday night?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- I'll go get a bucket of chicken. Tommy's coming round.- Oh!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Why?- No! Sounds nice.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Oh! No, I forgot something. I'm going to get chicken for the kids,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Tommy's coming round to babysit,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25whilst I whisk you off into town for an evening of Mamma Mia
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- at the Palace Theatre.- Oh, Liam!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Go and get yourself tarted up. I'll sort the kids out.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Oh, I will!- See? Now who's the best parent in the world?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Oh, it's still me.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43SHE SIGHS Whoo! Look at you!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- You look amazing. - Why aren't you ready?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- It starts in a half hour. - I have to make this quick phone call.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Hello? Hi. Is that... Is that Mrs Barton?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Could I speak to Wayne, please?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'm just a friend of his from school.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Yeah. It'd be really cool, really cool to talk to him.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Yeah.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07My name... My name's Andrew.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Yeah. Andrew, er...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Sorry. It's the wrong number. Sorry. Bye!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15What was that?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Oh, nothing, love. Just...- Pretending to be Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Yeah.- Casting a musical, are you?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24No. I just messed something up for Chloe, right?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It was... Ssh!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Hey, Chloe. You all right, love? - Do I look all right?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- No, you don't.- Well, then!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Liam, what've you done? - You really want to know?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Er... No! I really want to go on my birthday night out.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- Get changed, please. - I can't, not just yet.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- Too busy making nuisance calls? - I was ringing Wayne next door.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- The thing is...Chloe likes him. - She likes him?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Yeah. - What - she LIKE likes him?- Yeah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- No!- Yeah!- Wayne?- Yeah!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- WAYNE Wayne?- Yes!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- And she told YOU about this? - She didn't have to tell me.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I went to get the takeaway and I saw them.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Get a garage!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Oh, my God!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Wayne?!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Yeah.- She's known him since she were three.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- They used to play out together. - Well, they still do.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23You should've seen it. It was horrible.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I didn't know whether to run away, talk to her...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Chloe!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32SHE SCREAMS
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- So you threw their dinner at a Yaris.- No.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I threw the milkshake at the Yaris. I dropped the chicken.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- That is just typical you! - You'd have done the same.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- I would not. - You weren't there, Caroline.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- It was very traumatic. - She was kissing a boy.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Oh, it was more than kissing. She was, like...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I can't even describe it. I'll show it on you.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- No, thanks!- She were like that! - Ooh, God! OK, I get it!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Even so, chucking a takeaway is a bit excessive.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I know. That's why I'm trying to fix things.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Oh, by making a wind-up phone call! - It's not a wind-up phone call.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I'm trying to speak to Wayne. PHONE RINGS
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Did you 141 it?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- What?- Yeah - that'll be them, ringing back.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12No!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Mikey, don't answer it!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Hello?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Yes. This is Andrew Lloyd Webber. How may I help you?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24What are you doing to the TV, Uncle Tommy?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Installing Sports & Movies for your mum. Birthday present.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Dad said we couldn't afford that package. It's too expensive.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Your dad and me live in two different worlds.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35What you're doing, it's illegal, isn't it?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"Illegal" would be a word from your dad's world.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Hi, Granddad!- Right, Steven!
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Ready to earn some pocket money? - Oh, hello, Jim!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- I thought you'd gone out. - Yeah, we're just going.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Right! Well, that's why I'm here - to babysit.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Well, Tommy's here.- I know.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That's who I've come to babysit.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Nice one, Granddad.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Enjoy him while you can, Steve. He won't be here forever.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Yeah. Well, that's settled, then.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I've not had my tea, so I'll help myself to something.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- Fine! Take what you want. Why not? - No need to thank me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Any excuse to see my only grand-kids.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- What's in the box? - Er, how'd you know it's a box?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- The shape.- Er...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Right! Yeah. Er, no.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25We're going to play a game. Dr Who. This is the TARDIS.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Bit small for the TARDIS. - Oh, come on, Caroline!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31You know how the TARDIS works.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Liam! Is your dad ready yet?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38He's ready, but he's in the back garden talking to himself.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Oh, God!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Wayne!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I'm starting to think you don't want to see Mamma Mia.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51I do. I've got to speak to Wayne. He's Chloe's first boyfriend.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I've messed it all up. Can you see him? Wayne!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Wayne!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- OI, WAYNE!- Tommy!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- What you say that for? - Do you want to speak to him?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- What do you want?- Our Liam wants to speak to your Wayne.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Hiya!- Hi, love.- Hang on a minute.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Do you think she knows about the milkshake?- I don't know.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12How do you like it, Flynn?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16You don't touch one of ours!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I think she knows. I'm sorry I frightened your son!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I meant the car.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Is that all you got? - What did you say that for?!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Can I just say...what a lovely birthday I'm having so far?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34CRASHING Tommy!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Well, did you ever use it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Right, lads. Who wants to play a game?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- No, thanks.- Ah, come on!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It'll be fun.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You see, basically, what you got to do is,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55get all these letters into these envelopes
0:06:55 > 0:06:57as fast as you possibly can.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- That doesn't sound like fun. - We'll make it fun.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You said that about the bathroom-grouting game.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- It won't be like that.- Won't it?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It better not be. You made a right pig's ear of it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Come on. Put your comic down. - It's a graphic novel!
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- And you, Mikey! Come on. - I'm doing homework, Granddad.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I'll get in trouble if it's not done.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Will you be in trouble with Psycho Trev from the Wheatsheaf?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- No. - Well, then! This is more important.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28All right. I'll give you 20 quid each.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- All right, then. - Should've said that.- Mercenaries!
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Wayne runs crying to his mum cos he got a milkshake thrown at him!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- What a girl!- Yeah, well, it wasn't just the milkshake.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- That wasn't all I threw at him. - Gravy.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- No. - So you've still got the gravy?- No.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Where's the gravy? - There's no gravy, all right?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I'm talking about an additional incident.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- SHE SCREAMS - Oh, my God!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- What's going on?- It's a madman!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- It's my dad!- Yeah! Yeah!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Where are you going, lover-boy? - I'm sorry! Don't kill me!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Go on! You better run!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Get out of it! - What the hell are you doing?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- I was just... What the hell am- I- doing?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14What are YOU doing, sat in a car park speed-snogging?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Ah, Dad!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Chloe!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Chloe, get back here now!
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Chloe!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, my God. What have you turned into?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I can't believe you didn't get gravy. It comes with the bucket!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I asked for a family bucket. I got a family bucket.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You would've had to specifically ask him to leave the gravy out!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- I tell you what you're turning into. Your dad!- No, I'm not.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Yeah! You're turning into Jim. - Yeah. He wishes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- I am not. - Are you two going out or what?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I am. Jim, do you want to come see Mamma Mia?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, you know me. Opera's not really my thing.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Liam, I'm getting in the car. - All right. I'll be a minute.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Dad, we got a bit of a situation with Chloe.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I can cope. I brought you and Tommy up.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- That covers everything. - Chloe's a girl.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well, you had your phases.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- It's about her and this lad, right? - Oh, I see what's happening.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09She's become sexually active.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11No, no, no. No.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15See, you wouldn't be having these problems if you'd had the talk.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Oh, yeah. I remember the talk.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20When the man and the lady get together and so on,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23the, um, the seed...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26..travels up the...you know, and...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28well, it all kicks off up there.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- Am I making myself clear? - Thanks, Dad.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Very educational. I'll say goodbye to the kids, then we'll get going.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- No! Don't do that.- Why not?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Well, er, you don't want to smother them.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- I'm not going to smother them. - Good lad.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48That's the spirit. Now, you enjoy your play, eh?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50All right.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Liam!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54What exactly are you doing to my television?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Caroline, a woman of your standing
0:09:57 > 0:10:00shouldn't have to scrabble through life on Freeview.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You should at least have access to bid-up.tv.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Aha!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09What've you done to the telly? It's all blurred.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Yeah? Maybe this'll help things.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Whoa, man! That's amazing!- Oh, yes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The Deadliest Catch as you've never seen it before.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26SPLASHING Whoa!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Liam, would you rather come to Mamma Mia
0:10:29 > 0:10:32or spend the evening watching fishing programmes?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33COMMENTARY
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I'll be... I'll be right with you.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38And I want my normal telly back by the time we get home.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
0:10:42 > 0:10:44It's Chloe's phone.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Wayne's texted her!- Liam!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Er, "You plus I need to talk. See you at the front door."
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Wayne wants to talk. He's at the front door!- Yeah. We got it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Yes! SHE SIGHS
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Wayne!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Er...- Come on in!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- It's all right.- Oh...- It's OK.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03No screaming. It's OK.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- All right?- Please, Mr Flynn, I just want to leave.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Me too! You know they lock the doors once the show starts?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12That's so people can't get out.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Sit yourself down there. Sit there. Don't worry! You're our guest.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I'll get Chloe. Tommy, he doesn't leave that couch.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24So, Wayne...
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- The United have been playing some lovely football.- Tommy?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Tommy, come out here. - You stay right there.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36What?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You know Trev from the Wheatsheaf?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Glass eye, scar across his cheek. Estate agent.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44That's him. Yeah, yeah. Well, I owe him a bit of a favour,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- and he's called it in. - He's not asked you to whack someone?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51No! It's legal. It's just I'm running short of time,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54and I wondered if you'd give him a call for me.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57All right. Leave it with me, Dad.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Thanks, son.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02You should use a sponge for that. It's quicker.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I like the taste.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- How we doing, lads?- 200, Granddad.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Good work! Soon as the coast is clear, I'll take them down the car.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Why can't we tell Mum and Dad about this?- Well...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16your parents can get a bit, er...edgy
0:12:16 > 0:12:19about what they might call child labour.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Saddoes! - Oh, don't be too hard on them, Mikey.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Shove up. You see, it's just that when you're a grandparent,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and you've done it all once,
0:12:28 > 0:12:33- you can afford to be a bit more relaxed about, er...- Child labour?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Yeah. Well, they make you do jobs round the house, don't they?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- So how is this any different? - Because you make a profit.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43That was a rhetorical question. You're enjoying it, aren't you?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Yeah! I've never had so much money. I'm going to buy a laptop.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Well, don't show it to your parents.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Are you sure it's OK for us to be doing this?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53If God didn't want you to lick envelopes,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55he wouldn't have given you a tongue.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- SHE SIGHS - Could be in the bar by now,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- having a pre-show cocktail. - Take this opportunity to bond
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- with your possible son-in-law. - He's still at school!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Well, you and Liam went out when were at school.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11They mate young in this family - for life.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Tommy!- I'm just saying, if Chloe's anything like you,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18couple of years' time, this'll be the father of your grand-kids.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Over my dead body! - She didn't mean it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24We're actually a very loving, welcoming family.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26You just threw a barbecue at my mum.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Let's not go dragging up the past, Wayne.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34- It was ten minutes ago.- Right. So, you like Chloe, don't you?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- She's all right.- What are your intentions towards my niece?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40To be honest, I was thinking, if I could get her back in the car,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- then I'd try - - Whoa! Let me stop you there, Wayne.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Just tell me about your prospects. - I don't know.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- I was thinking maybe I'd go to college.- College?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Well, shoot for the stars!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54No, no. I'm quite good at maths and modern languages.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Maths? Right!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01So if I do a £5 Yankee, and each horse comes in at five to four,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03what do I walk out of the bookie's with?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- What's a Yankee?- See, that's the problem with the education system.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09No relevance to the modern world.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Trev? Yeah. It's Tommy Flynn, Jim's lad.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Apparently he's doing some job for you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Yeah. Well, he's going to be a bit late with it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Yeah. Well, he's getting on in years, isn't he?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Not as nimble as he used to be.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32No, it's... No, it's not that serious.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34No, he's not in hospital.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36No, he's... No, he's not.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38No. No, he's not.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42No! No, look...
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Oh.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Right. That was meant to be threatening.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yeah. I'll pass it on.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- I've got something to show you. It's brilliant.- Liam!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Yeah, in a minute. Close your eyes. - What is it?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You're going to be really happy.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58What?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Ta-dah!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Are you trying to humiliate me?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- What are you talking about? It's Wayne!- Great!
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Carry on where you left off before I threw that milkshake.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Oh, Dad! - DOOR SLAMS
0:15:10 > 0:15:13She is giving me some really mixed signals today.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- It's just women. They're fickle. - Er, where you going?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- To talk to Chloe.- Can I give you a little piece of advice
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- before you go in there? - What?- Do not go in there.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- I've got to sort things out. - No. She's a teenage girl,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29and you are her dad. Anything that you do will be wrong.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Why?- Because she's a teenage girl,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33and you are her dad.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Yeah, but I'm not like a "Dad" dad. I'm more a "whoo-hoo" sort of dad.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41SHE SIGHS
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Hey, Chlo. Why you eating dry crackers?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Cos I'm hungry. And you threw my tea all over the road.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Listen, Chloe...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I don't want to mess things up with your first boyfriend.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- My boyfriend? - Yeah.- He's Wayne Barton.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59His mum irons his jeans for him and he says "okey-dokey".
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- I say "okey-dokey"! - Exactly. He's such a loser.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- If he's a loser, what were you doing in the car with him?- Don't know.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Valeting it? You were doing a pretty thorough job from what I saw.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Maybe I just wanted someone to notice me.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Chloe, love,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20lads notice you all the time.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23They're not looking at me, Dad. They're looking at her.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Who?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Her.- What?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Eh?- Like you don't know.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33She goes round flaunting it, and nobody even notices I'm here.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I beg your pardon!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Like when you go out in your running kit.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- Hang on! Hang on! When was this? - Yesterday.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I did go for a run yesterday. But it wasn't like that!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03SHE PANTS
0:17:05 > 0:17:07SHE COUGHS
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- I thought I was going to be sick. - Yeah. So did I.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- This is the most ridiculous... - It's not just yesterday, Mum.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It's every time I'm round boys from school.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Yeah, teenage boys! They'd fancy a moose if it had lipstick on.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Oh, well, thanks, Mum! That makes me feel loads better.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Well, well, well! This puts a very different spin on things.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32This isn't about me being a possessive dad.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35This is about you being a leggy siren
0:17:35 > 0:17:38and destroying our daughter's self-esteem.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41HE LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY Whoo! Let's go and see Mamma Mia!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Hang on.- Come on. I've heard it's ABBA-tastic.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- No-one is going anywhere. - Well, who'd have thought, eh?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- It's your fault all along.- You're not saying you agree with her, do you?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Well...- You think I flaunt it?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Well, I think you can't help being a naturally very attractive woman.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- But...- I'm just younger than the other mums, that's all.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Yeah. I know it's not your fault you had Chloe when you were 17.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I know! It's yours.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- Maybe you should tone it down a bit. - Want me to dress as a nun, do you?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14No. Don't be stupid.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- Maybe in the bedroom a little bit. - Thanks for your support, Liam,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22but I am not following a dress code set by a 15-year-old girl.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I'm going to talk to her. - Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Can't go up there.- Why not?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Because she's a teenage girl and you're her mother.- Move!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Right. So you're not actually going out with Chloe.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38No. We were more kind of practising on each other.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Well, you can never get enough practice, but...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It's good that you came round to check that she was OK.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46No. I came round to get my car keys back.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49And to check if she was OK?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52No. Mainly the car keys.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55But, Wayne, women like a gentleman.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- So, have you had a lot of girlfriends, then?- Yeah, of course!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What's your secret?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06No secret. No secret when you got this.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Yeah? Little bit of je ne sais quoi.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Cherching la femmes. It's not too tricky.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Yeah. I'm not doing French. I'm doing German.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Right. Well, you just have to have a bit of, er...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22a little bit of...achtung,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24and then, er...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- WITH GERMAN ACCENT - ..finding the Frauleins...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29is all...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32mein...Kampf.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Do you know what? This is really helpful.- Course!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39HE LAUGHS Hey, Tommy!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Tommy, guess who the fit mum on the street is?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Caroline!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Really?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Yeah.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh! I can see that.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Although on this street there's not much competition, is there?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00They've all got faces like blind cobblers' thumbs.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- No offence. - Please may I go to the toilet?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- No.- Go on.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You can go.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11We're not, er, keeping him prisoner any more.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I know, but don't tell him. I'm really enjoying his company.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Knock-knock!- What you knocking for? You're already in.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Don't be mean to Mummy. She's only come for a talk.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- I'm not seven. - I'm sorry.- Don't throw him!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Look, Chlo, I'm not going to apologise for trying to look nice.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Did I ask you to?- No.- Well, then.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37And I'm not trying to steal your thunder.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Good, because I've not got any. - You have!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- You've got plenty of thunder. - I've got drizzle.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45That's rubbish, Chlo!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48If there's anything I've got and you haven't,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- it's confidence. That's it. - Right. Thanks.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55And to be honest, I'm glad.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Cos as soon as you find that confidence,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59you'll be able to have any boy you want.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- So, come on. Who have you got your eye on?- No-one.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Course you have. And we all know it's not Wayne.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Well, there is this lad at school called Nick.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Do I know him? - He's got cropped blond hair
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- and really, really blue eyes. - Oh! I know who you mean!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- He helped me with my shopping the other day.- What?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Nothing.- You got Nick Healey to carry your shopping?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25No. I mean, I didn't get him to. He just offered.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- He's a friendly, helpful lad. - Get out.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Mummy didn't do it on purpose.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Get out, Mum. - SHE SIGHS
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- What are you doing? - Making the kids some food.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- It's me or the social services. - Oh, cheers, pal.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- What are you making them? - Whatever you've got.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Fish fingers, sweetcorn...
0:21:47 > 0:21:51kidney beans and a tin of peaches.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54This family eats like there's a nuclear war.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Yeah, I know. Sorry, pal.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59It's no bother. I'll just stir-fry it
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- on a bed of rice. - We haven't got any rice.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Let me finish. Krispies.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It sounds disgusting. The kids'll love it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09250!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Only 300 more, then you can start licking the stamps.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Can we stop now, Granddad? Finish them tomorrow?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- No. They got to go off first post. - Well, can we have a break, then?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23You just have. Now get back to it, if you want paying.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24But I'm getting paper cuts.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I can see the walls moving, Granddad.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30This is what happens when you get kids to do a man's job.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32If it's a man's job, why don't you do it?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36A young man's job! You produce more saliva than I do.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Haha! Speaking of which!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Oh, sorry. I was looking for Chloe. - Well, she's not in here.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Where do you think you're going? Come back.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Sit down. Here you are.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Start licking.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52OK! Well, as long as I start wearing a burqa,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56don't speak to any men below 30, there's absolutely no problem.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Good! Well, that's sorted, then. - You're enjoying all this.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Of course I am! Look at it from my point of view.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Suddenly...I'm the good parent. - Liam, it's not a competition.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Yes, it is. And you're just saying that cos I'm winning.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13No. Because you... You sent my kid to his harvest festival
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- with expired yoghurt. - That was years ago!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- You could've caused an outbreak of E coli.- Two years ago,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- and that's the best you've got? - Children, be quiet. I'm making food.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- All right. Ten minutes for food! - About time. I'm starving.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Not for you. For the kids. - I'll take it up for them.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- No. They can come down. - They don't want to come down.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- How do you know?- I just do. How'd you get on with Trev, by the way?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Not great, to be honest, Dad.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42He said things you shouldn't say to a man in the twilight of his life.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- I'm not in the twilight of my life. - Apparently you will be
0:23:45 > 0:23:50- if you don't finish his job.- Right. I'll definitely take the food up.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Whoa!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- I thought you'd gone out. - No point now. We've missed it.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- You are still going out, though? - What's that in the box?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- What box?- This box here.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Put it back! That's private correspondence.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07"Dear homeowner, we have recently sold a house in your area,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11and have many buyers interested in similar properties."
0:24:11 > 0:24:14That's very personal stuff, Jim. Very heartfelt.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I'm doing a favour for a friend.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- You are, or Steve and Mikey are? - They're helping.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Are you running a sweatshop in the boys' bedroom?
0:24:23 > 0:24:27I'm not exploiting them. I'm splitting the money equally.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I wouldn't mind, if you'd asked us.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Oh. So, er, can I get the lads stuffing envelopes?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34- No!- No.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Fine! I'll finish them myself.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40But just so as you know,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44that's the last time I offer to babysit.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Considering you had him as a role model, you're not such a bad dad.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Right. Bye, then.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Chloe, where you off to, love?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Why don't you just follow me like you usually do?- I didn't follow you.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00I just happened upon you. Anyway, this isn't my fault! It's hers.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Oh, my life is rubbish! - Chloe, come and sit down, love.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Listen...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I know what it's like to be a 15-year-old girl
0:25:11 > 0:25:13and having all the lads fancy your mum.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- How would you know? - Well, I wouldn't,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19because I'm a boy, and my mum was a bit of a horse...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22..God rest her soul. But...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I tell you what.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- You're a lot prettier than your mum was at your age.- What?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29She was minging!
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Oh, she had these massive big railings with braces on,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36big National Health Timmy Mallett glasses.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39And a scally boyfriend with a pudding-bowl haircut.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Think about it this way. You're getting prettier all the time.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44She's peaked.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I'm sorry?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Yeah. It's downhill for you all the way.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Oh, this is the best birthday ever!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- SHE SIGHS - You two aren't helping, you know.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59If a guy ever decides to make a move on me,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I'll be on the lookout for you and your family bucket.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04How am I meant to recover from that?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- How would you like 20 quid? - That might solve it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12There you go.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Now, young lady, get in there and talk to Wayne.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Yeah. Go in there and sort it out, and do it right, please.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Why? - Because it's the right thing to do!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Besides, I haven't got enough fish fingers for him.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29He's right, Chlo. Wayne deserves an explanation.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Can't one of you do it? - God forbid I should speak to a boy!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35We all know I'm an embarrassment to you.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Um, Uncle Tommy...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Can you dump him for me? - Yeah. All right, then.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Er, no! Chlo! It's time to man up.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Go on, love.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Well...I think we handled that pretty well.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Yeah. Shame I wasted my birthday night, though.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Come here. I'm sorry about that, baby.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03How would YOU like £20?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Doesn't entirely make up for it, if I'm honest.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11Here. Why don't I make you a nice home-cooked meal?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14You go in there, pop your feet up, watch a film.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Thanks, Tommy! That'd be lovely!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- Don't mention it.- Cheers, T-...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23SONG: "Mamma Mia" by ABBA
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Hey, sorry we didn't get to go out tonight.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Oh, never mind. This way we get to watch Mamma Mia,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Dirty Dancing and both Sex In The Citys.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Like I said, I'm really sorry.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40It's romantic, though, isn't it?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Yeah, it is.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Give us a kiss.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47SLURPING NOISES
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Yeah. Let's just watch the film.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58# I know it's gonna be all right
0:28:00 > 0:28:04# Forever I'll be by your side
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# For everyone you love
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# For everyone you feel
0:28:13 > 0:28:17# I'm never giving up
0:28:17 > 0:28:19# Until the dream is real #
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:23 > 0:28:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:27 > 0:28:27.