0:00:03 > 0:00:06# For anyone who loves
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# For anyone who feels
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# I'm never giving u-u-u-p
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Until the dream is real
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Until the dream is real. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- Are you OK?- Yeah, I'm fine.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Fine, Tommy. Why wouldn't I be?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31It's just a vasectomy. It's routine.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35In a couple of years, you'll be able to do it yourself over the internet.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Yeah. Your brother's here and I'm the same blood group, just in case the doctor makes a slip.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, my God.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- You're mad.- I know there's nothing to worry about. I know that.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48No, you're mad to be going through with it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I'm not here for a jolly day out. I told you, I promised Caroline.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Come on, please, please. No more kids.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Please, please, no more kids. Please, please, please.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Liam, I only ever see you praying when I'm taking a pregnancy test.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03It's worked every time except three. What else am I supposed to do?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Oh, it's negative.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Yes! Get in!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14If you're that worried, why don't you do what we talk about every time this happens?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Go to the doctor and get the snip.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Oh, come on, Caroline. There's got to be other ways of doing it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Yeah. I think a doctor's probably safest.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Ha-ha(!) I mean other ways of birth control.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Yeah, but they aren't foolproof, Liam.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Let's be honest, we are fools.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Yes, we are.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33So the good news is we're not pregnant.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36The bad news is I'm about to have my knackers cut off.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38You'll be fine.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Not like this bloke.
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Went in for a kidney transplant, bled to death on the table.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46That paper's a month old.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Yeah, I know. I brought it in specially.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53This isn't a kidney transplant. It's a vasectomy. It's simple.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55My friend Bob went in for a vasectomy.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Surgeon hit an artery.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Bled to death on the table.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02D'you remember Bob?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03No, I don't remember Bob.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05He bled to death on the table.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Right, can we just stop saying "bled to death on the table"?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Mr Flynn?- Yeah, that's me.
0:02:11 > 0:02:17Don't you worry, Liam. I'll be making spot checks, make sure he's chopping off the right bits.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Halt or I'll slice your head off.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Come on, Mikey. You know I don't like you playing with weapons.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Mum, it's only a weapon if it's used as one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34A car can be a weapon.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- A hammer can be a weapon. - Yeah, yeah, very smart.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- A Uzi semiautomatic machine pistol can be a... - Where the hell did you get that?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Grandad bought it me.- Jim!
0:02:43 > 0:02:48He's got to learn to drive sometime and I was operating the pedals.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49What?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Nothing.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53She's talking about the gun you bought Mikey.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55The gun?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Oh, the gun. - It's completely irresponsible, Jim.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Oh, come off it, Caroline.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Liam and Tommy used to play Cowboys and Indians.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Not with an Uzi.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Could you please swap it for something with less firepower?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Like, say, some felt-tips.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Right, young man.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I don't recall buying you any guns.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You're old, Grandad. You forget things.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20He's lying, Grandad. He robbed it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- I never.- Where's the receipt, then?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- They didn't give me one because it wastes paper.- Oh, Mikey.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, please don't tell Mum and Dad.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Of course not. What do they know about disciplining a child?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- Let's go.- Where to? You know you can't hit children now.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36The EU says so, remember?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I'm old, Mikey. I forget things.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50If you weren't going running I'd be all over you.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- I'm not going running.- Eh?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- But you've got your Lycra on. - Yeah, I've already been.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh, well. Never mind. You're probably tired.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Coach Trip starts in a minute. - I didn't run far.- Yeah, but...
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Oh!- What's the matter? - Vasectomy. It's just...
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- Still? It's been ages.- It's just tender, you know what I mean?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I can be tender.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- I know, but the doctor says... - I can be very, very tender.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18That's just cruelty! You're hurting me now.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21All right. Sorry.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22All right, Tommy.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Are you aware how strange that was?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Are you aware you don't live here?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Where else am I supposed to mend a motorbike?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Er, your house?- Hey, I've got Canadian oak flooring at mine.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Soaks up oil like a sponge, whereas you're blessed with lino.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40There's no lino in here, is there?
0:04:40 > 0:04:46- We're straying from the point. What was that all about? - It's the vasectomy. Delicate.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Where was that delicacy when you were with me yesterday?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Stay in, stay in! No, no!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It comes and goes.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Right, I understand.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You're lying.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Yes, of course I'm lying.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03OK, OK, yeah. Nice clean setup.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yeah, good lighting. That's important.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Here y'are. Lots of degrees, diplomas.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11University of Hartlepool.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Didn't know they had one, but...
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Still, it's a degree.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19It's a third class degree. Just sit down, chill out.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21This is to soak up blood.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I could bleed to death on the table.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Oh, my God. What am I even do...?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- Mr Flynn?- Yep. - Sorry to keep you. I had a meeting.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34You know what solicitors are like.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41You've just got something...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Cut myself shaving.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Hitch your gown up. Let's have a butcher's.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Sorry, a what? - It's a figure of speech.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52A butcher's hook, a look.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Do you know what? I think I'm in the wrong room.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Sorry. I'm tonsils. I'm sorry.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09I thought you were done quickly. I assumed there was a team of them in there, like a pit stop.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Caroline thinks I went through with it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15She thinks I've been all... decommissioned.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17So you lied to her as well as me?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21No, I didn't as much lie to her as just not tell her the truth.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24And then just tell her something else which wasn't the truth.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Well, as long as you didn't lie.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28DOOR OPENS
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Chloe, you all right, love?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Yeah, pretty good. All right, Uncle Tommy?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Yeah.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35..You see, that's weird, innit?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40She's never "pretty good", is she? She's usually...
0:06:40 > 0:06:45I hate you! Move! Whatever.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Yeah, there's something seriously wrong there.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53SHE HUMS
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Well, Mum, it's happened.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I've finally done it.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59What? What have you done?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- I've fallen in love.- Oh, God, Chloe. I thought you'd slept with someone.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07No. You always say love's more important than sex.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- Which it is.- This is a miles bigger thing than sleeping with him.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Mm, yeah.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I met him at Paulo's Pizza on Dale Street.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19We had this amazing conversation.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20What can I get you?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Well, what do you recommend?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- The pizza meal deal.- OK, Peter.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I'll have a piece of pizza, Peter.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34With chips and a diet cola?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- So, go on.- What?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- The amazing conversation. - That was it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43He even knew what drink I like.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46He's amazing. I'm in love.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Ah. Well, that's great, Chloe.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Just don't get carried away.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55What do you mean by that?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Well, nothing. It's just your version of what happened
0:07:59 > 0:08:01might not be the same as his.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You know, sometimes men and women
0:08:05 > 0:08:08interpret conversations in different ways.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Hey, have you seen Mikey? - He's out with your dad, I think.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You know, I found him playing with an Uzi.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21A toy one?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Of course a toy one.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Oh.- Am I the only one who's got a problem with this?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's better than doing ballet or something.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35No, no, only because his real talent lies in modern or tap.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Good save.- Thank you, baby.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I think you're in there.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43You've got no idea. It's been torture.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I'm tired of reading.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Yeah, I'm tired as well.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Good night, love.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Oh, no!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I forgot to put the cat out.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00The cat ran away six months ago.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I heard a noise. He's probably come back.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04We haven't got a cat flap, Liam.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Well, I'd better go and put one in, then, hadn't I?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- It's driving me mad. - Then have the operation.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15To prove his love for a woman, Van Gogh cut off his own ear.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yeah, one ear.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You can still hear with one ear.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Look, you chickened out. It's not a problem.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Go back down the hospital, get it over and done with.- I did go back.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Without me?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Yeah, I know. Can you believe it(?)
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So, who was your wingman?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Thanks for the support, Dad.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Don't mention it, our Liam.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Our Tommy made me feel like a freak for wanting to do this.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Hey... Now, there's nothing at all to be ashamed of.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48This does not make you any less of a man.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Thanks, Dad. Cheers.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Takes me back,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57sitting in a waiting room like this.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00No! You mean you had a vasectomy?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02No, I did not, you cheeky swine.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Do I look French?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11No.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14No, I'm talking about when I brought Jasper in.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- The spaniel?- Yeah.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20He had the exact same look on his face as you've got now.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Vacant.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27You...you brought the dog in for a vasectomy?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Vasectomy, neutering, it's the same basic operation.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Dad, it's not the same basic...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34It's a completely different procedure.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You wouldn't catch me going under the knife like that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38You wouldn't need to, would you?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Be like putting locks on an empty house.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Empty house with the plumbing still intact.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Eurgh, Dad!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Hey, what happened to Jasper anyway?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Bled to death on the table.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Mr Flynn?- Yeah, please, let me in.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- OK, Mr Flynn. Take two. - Yeah, I'm sorry about doing a runner the other day.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You must get that all the time.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12No.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You've got no shaving cuts this time, I see.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Don't worry about that, Mr Flynn. I don't do the shaving.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Shaving?- Gregory does.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Stay away from me, you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36You know, done properly, it feels really nice.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm not going back to Dr Butterfingers!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Don't snap at me. - I'm not snapping. I'm just...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Will you get that wheel off me couch?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Hey, don't be jealous of what the wheel represents, yeah?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50The open road, freedom.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Yeah, when you get it started.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I told you, don't buy mechanical goods over the internet.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I also told you, don't get stuff delivered here.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's not the bike's fault you're never having sex again.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04OK, get out, Tommy.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I'm leaving now, before one of us says something we regret.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12What you going upstairs for?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I'm charging my battery in your bedroom.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19He's rushed off his feet, Grandad.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21We should come back later.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24This is the right thing to do. You'll be happy when it's over.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Come on.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32Sir, my grandson has something he wants to say to you.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Yesterday I took one of your guns and I didn't pay for it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh, is that so?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Yes. And I realise that was very wrong and I'm sorry.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Give the man his money.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Here's £20.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Good boy, Mikey. Well done.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- What are you doing? - Calling the police.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55What? He's just apologised. He said he'd pay.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oh, he'll pay. Wynne, seal all the exits.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02No, this is where you say, "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- I'd like to report a theft.- Grandad!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Come here. Let go, let go.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- You don't want to do that. - Oh, yes, I do.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You gave that other kid a lollipop.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16That other kid isn't a dirty little thief. You're going to borstal.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21You brought that on yourself.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- You are so cool.- Shut up.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I'd like to report a theft.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29And intimidation.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Run!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Tommy, is it just me or do you think Liam seems a bit...?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Mardy?- Not himself.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Since the operation he's been... I don't know.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Mardy?- Maybe it's me.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Maybe I'm being insensitive. - Ah, maybe.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Maybe I'm pushing him too much.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Maybe you're not pushing him enough.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- What do you mean?- Let's look at the evidence, shall we?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Liam definitely had the operation.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05That's the one thing we all do know.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09So since then, maybe it's made him feel a bit less of a man.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Really?- Mm.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15So, you've got to employ all those feminine wiles, you know.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You've got to be sensual and irresistible. Don't you scrimp on them wiles.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21That's what he wants me to do?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23No, Caroline. It's what he needs you to do.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Thank you.- You're very welcome.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32CLATTERING
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Oh, I'm such an idiot, Uncle Tommy.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Stop banging around and sit down and tell me about it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41You wouldn't understand.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Why don't you try me? I'm a man of the world.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Ever had an experience where you weren't sure what happened?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I'm familiar with the sensation you describe.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I was chatting to this guy in Paulo's.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- What can I get you? - Well, what do you recommend?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- UNINTERESTEDLY:- The pizza meal deal?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58OK, Peter.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I'll have a piece of pizza, Peter. SHE SIMPERS
0:15:02 > 0:15:06And then I started snorting at him like a pig.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11SHE LAUGHS AND SNORTS
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Certain men find that attractive.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- Weirdos.- On the whole. - Oh, I feel so stupid.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22It probably didn't even happen the way you remember it.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- No?- No.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27There's probably whole parts of the conversation you've blocked out.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, my God.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31STACCATO LAUGH
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Could you leave the premises, please?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You're distressing my customers.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- You realise this isn't helping? - Oh, I'm meant to be helping?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Good morning, Thomas.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Thank you for your excellent words of advice.- Glad to be of assistance.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- What advice? - DOOR OPENS
0:16:00 > 0:16:03'Ey up. Those boys ready for school?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Jim, you're a lifesaver.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Steve, Mikey, your grandad's here.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11I'm such an idiot.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I could have just told her I didn't have the vasectomy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18But oh, no, I had to take the stupid route and have sex with my wife.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Liam, while everyone's out, can I have your opinion on something?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23On what?
0:16:23 > 0:16:24It's an outfit.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Oh, no, come on, love. You know I'm bad at this.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30..All right, you look beautiful in everything. It doesn't even f...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Whoa!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37What are you trying to do to me?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39What do you think?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42How do them tassel things stay on?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Cake icing.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Oh, no. No, no.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47It's raspberry flavour.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Oh...!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51That's it. You got me. That's it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54BOTH PANT BREATHLESSLY
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Whoa!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Whoa.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Oh, yeah.- Oh.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I just feel so chilled out and relaxed. Don't you?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Oh, yeah. I do, yeah, yeah.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Oh, I wish I still smoked.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15No, I've got a better idea. Star jumps.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Do what?- We'll do some star jumps. Come on, I'll do them with you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Come on, star jumps.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Come on, it's good for you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26One, two, three.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Now try and stamp your feet with a wiggle.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34You always do naked star jumps?
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Shut up.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- We could be pregnant again.- Oh.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39What do you mean, "Oh"?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Nothing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Tommy, you should have seen Grandad yesterday!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50He went berserk in a toy shop and ripped the phone right out of the wall.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Oh? Give me some skin, Grandad.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54There is nothing cool about damaging property.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55It's illegal and immoral.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Don't leave me hanging!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I took you in that shop to teach you about antisocial behaviour.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And you did - you were brilliant.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05There's nothing for it. I'll have to tell your mother.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Oh, and tell her that YOU smashed up the toy shop?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- I don't think we need mention that part.- I think we do.
0:18:10 > 0:18:17Gentlemen, in these circumstances I think it falls to me as the boy's uncle to...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- lead him back on the straight and narrow.- You?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22At least I never smashed up a toy shop.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Arndale Centre, 1991.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Santa's Grotto, different thing.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Come on.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Hello, love.- Oh, you haven't finished shopping yet, have you?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Yeah. Just. - 'I need you to get me some...'
0:18:39 > 0:18:42some "lady items".
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Really? Why? - 'Why do you think? I need them.'
0:18:44 > 0:18:48What, ladies items?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Look, that's brilliant. That's fine, brilliant.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- You've got to go back round the supermarket.- 'No, it's good,'
0:18:53 > 0:18:55cos, you know, more reward points.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Maybe I'll have enough to get a picnic cool bag.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- 'Sorry, the other phone's going.' - OK, see you in a bit, love.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Hey! Back in the shop to get some ladies items for the wife!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Huh? Get in!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10PHONE RINGS
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Hello?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Hi, this is Dr Carter's office.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23Er, we've got a window to reschedule Mr Flynn's vasectomy on Monday at 10am.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Again? How many does he need?
0:19:26 > 0:19:31We're willing to give it another go, but maybe this time with a general anaesthetic.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32He didn't go through with it?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36So Monday, 10am. You'll give him the message?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39He'll get the message.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48OK, open the till, no-one gets hurt.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51That's a plastic toy gun.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Well spotted. It's just a little ice-breaker. I wish to return this item.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- You got a receipt? - No. No, I haven't.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00No receipts, no refunds.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- I don't want a refund.- No credit notes, no refunds, no nothing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Listen, the thing is... It's a funny story, actually.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11I'm sick and tired of people coming into this shop and thinking they can push me around.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I'm not taking it any more!
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Will you just shut up and listen? - Don't point that thing at me. - It's a toy!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Oh! Oh, God!
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I didn't know it was going to do that.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- I can't see!- I'll just apologise.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- It's no big deal, is it?- Wow!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Uncle Tommy, what have you done?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I told you to wait outside.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- You shot him in the head! That is so cool.- No. No, it's not cool.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- What you doing?- I'd like to report an armed assault.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Run!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Hello, love!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Got 'em.- Got what?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Your special "ladies items."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59What?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I'm not sure I'm going to need 'em.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02No, no, you said you...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Yeah, I know. I think I got it wrong.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10What I actually feel like, weirdly, is pregnant.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Preg...pregnant?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I know. It's impossible, isn't it?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Yeah. Cos my, er...
0:21:19 > 0:21:22my lines of communication have been cut, so...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25There's no way your soldiers could get to the front.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Exactly.- I mean, those operations are foolproof.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33And if it wasn't, then we just... we just sue their arses off.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Especially after all the pain you went through.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Well, yes. Yes, it was uncomfortable.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And I'm so grateful.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45But still, it feels exactly like I'm pregnant.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Oh, I'm going to take a pregnancy test.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Do you bulk-buy those things?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Oh, my God, no, please no!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58How do you mean, he called you fat?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Not in those exact words, Grandad, but it's definitely what he meant.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04With chips and a diet cola?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07A DIET cola. A DIET cola.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10DIET cola.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Can you believe it? I hate him.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Lad's an idiot.- He IS an idiot.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- That or he's blind.- Thank you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20You're no more fat than I am, Chloe.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Thanks, Grandad(!)
0:22:25 > 0:22:29No, come on, please, no, no, no. Not this time, not again.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32No more. Come on, God. Please, please don't...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I don't understand.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Oh, my God!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Maybe it's a faulty test or something?- Oh, my God!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41There's no way this could have happened.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I didn't have the vasectomy!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I didn't have it. I'm sorry! I chickened out, right, and then...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50and then I lied to you, and then I had sex with you. I'm sorry!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51A-ha!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53What?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55This isn't a pregnancy test.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58It's a lie detector, and it worked.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- What are you talking about? - The hospital rang to reschedule.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Oh. Oh, right.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Liam, you could have got me pregnant...again.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09- But you're definitely not?- No.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- Let me check that thing.- If you like - it's a turkey thermometer.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17And you peed on it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19No! Why would I pee on it?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Look, I thought you'd gone off me. I thought we were in trouble.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I know, I'm an idiot. I...
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You don't know what it's like, just slamming the door on your manhood.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Don't be so dramatic.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Come on! We don't know what the future might hold. One day I might need my boys.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40You planning on leaving me for another woman and starting a whole new family?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42No, but it'd be nice to know I could.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Hey!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That just came out wrong, I didn't...
0:23:47 > 0:23:53Look, what if I was the last man alive, right, and I had to repopulate the Earth?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55With, say, Girls Aloud?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Or The Saturdays.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's good to know you think about these things,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04but you've already done your bit.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06You already gave.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Did I?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10We've got three children.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Wonderful, beautiful, intelligent.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Which one's which?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I know, I know.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Hey, in just 18 months, we can go out, leave them unsupervised.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Exactly. We're nearly there! - I know.
0:24:27 > 0:24:33Oh, we've already got rid of the safety catches on the cupboard doors.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Isn't it nice to open cupboards?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Yeah, it is nice, innit?- We've got enough on our plates, Liam.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43We've got to do this.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48DOORBELL RINGS, GRANDAD SNORTS
0:24:49 > 0:24:53DOORBELL RINGS, HE SNORES
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Don't worry, I'll get it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02What do you want?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- American Hot? - That'll be for my uncle.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I come from a long line of fat pigs.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08OK!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11D'you think you'll get it past my fat arse?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14So, I'll see you on Friday?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- Friday?- You always come in on a Friday. Around six.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Maybe.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Well, then, I'll see you.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Mum, I'm in love again!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Oooh, ooh! Ooh!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- There you are.- There you go. That shave wasn't so bad.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34No, it was really sweet, actually. Thank you.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Well, hello again, Mr Flynn.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yeah, hello. Apologies again, mate.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Well, you WERE under a lot of stress.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And you're clearly a great big coward.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Why don't you just walk him through it
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- so he realises there's nothing to be afraid of?- It's very simple.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56A bit of anaesthetic, I make two tiny incisions,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59cut each of the vas deferens in half and cauterise the ends.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's quick and it's permanent.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Snip, snip, bye-bye.- Exactly.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And you're done. Your childbearing days are behind you.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Wow. Ha!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Yeah, I suppose they are. - Absolutely.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13You can move on to other things. You guys play golf?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15No.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16You're going to love it!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Right, well, let's... let's just get this over with.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- Here we go.- No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait!- Now what?
0:26:23 > 0:26:29I like my childbearing years, and I've really got quite a lot of them left.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Oh, Liam, things change and...
0:26:32 > 0:26:36What are we doing here? Put your pants on, we're going to buy some condoms.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Get in! Yes! That's my wife!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49You should have just come to me with the problem in the first place.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52What can I do for you?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58These three young men have got something they want to say to you.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Mikey.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I'm sorry I stole that toy gun.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- I'm sorry I pulled your phone off the wall.- Tommy?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I'm sorry I shot you in the face.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I see.
0:27:09 > 0:27:15So, here's your gun back and some money for any damages.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- OK?- So, you're not going to phone the police again?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20No, I'm not.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Thank you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I've no need.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I had a panic button installed under the counter
0:27:25 > 0:27:28and I pushed it the moment you came in.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29What?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32You're all going to jail, my friend.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34No, no. We brought the...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36SIREN WAILS
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Run! Run! Mikey!
0:27:46 > 0:27:51# I know it's gonna be all right
0:27:53 > 0:27:58# Forever I'll be by your side
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# For everyone you love
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# For everyone you feel
0:28:06 > 0:28:10# I'm never giving up
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Until the dream is real.