0:00:20 > 0:00:23Get in! That was embarrassing, Mikey.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- I don't want to see that behaviour again.- What was he doing?
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- Shouting abuse, basically, at some other kid.- It wasn't abuse.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- You were calling him a loser. - He is a loser.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Our team beat his team last Saturday. It's not abuse, it's a scientific fact.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39See what I mean? We need a serious chat about your son's attitude.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Oh, I've got attitude. Watch my victory dance.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Psych!
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- What was that?- You never saw Mike Summerbee doing victory dances.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Why? Was he a loser too? - All right, Dad. He's just a kid.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55He doesn't know what he's saying.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I've told her, Liam. She wants to straighten this lad out.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01It's not my concern, Jim. You created this monster.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04He wouldn't even be playing football if you hadn't forced him into it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- What do you mean "forced"? - I don't know what she's talking about. The boy made a choice.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Right then, Mikey,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12after-school club.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14The world's your oyster.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16What do you fancy?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Here you are, Grandad. Dance class. I'm signing up for this.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Hang on. Let's see what else they've got first.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I don't care what else they've got.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I want to do dance. I want to learn the Lindy Hop.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- The what? - The Lindy Hop. It's on Strictly.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- I could be the next Chris Hollins. - Here you go, look. Football.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I don't like to play football. I like to dance.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Oh, look.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42The pencil won't reach. What a shame.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Here's a dance pencil.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- So football it is, then. - HE SIGHS
0:01:48 > 0:01:52To be fair to Dad, you can't live in Manchester and not be able to kick a football.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Phil Neville seemed to manage it!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yes, very good.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Can we keep this on topic, please?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Fine. The topic is your son's unsportsmanlike behaviour.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05OK. Mikey, no more football.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Who are you punishing? Him or me?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Jim, I've not got time for this.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I've got a hair appointment to get to.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Oh, well, that's obviously more important.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It is actually. She's been looking forward to it for ages.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Only a woman can look forward to a haircut.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25It's functional. Get in, get out, hope they don't draw blood.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Oh, by the way, can you fit me in next Tuesday?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Yes, I'll cut your hair, Jim, but you can do your own nostrils this time.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Oh, my God, Uncle Tommy. I don't believe it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Oh, you found my little present, then?- Yeah! How did you get them?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, I know this bloke.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You always know a bloke. How many blokes do you know?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I know about...96 blokes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Dad, Uncle Tommy got me tickets to see JLS in concert.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- Oh, that's great.- No, no.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You don't understand. It's amazing.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It's a tiny little gig in this secret club.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- It'll be like they're in our own house.- Wow, that is amazing.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03You don't understand. It's incredible.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07It's, like, 300 people and me and my friends will be four of them.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Hey, that is incredible.- No.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12It's genius.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Yeah, I know, I know.- Oh, forget it. I knew you wouldn't understand.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17No, darling, I do understand.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19That's really great, love.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You just don't get it at all, do you?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I don't know how you understand my daughter better than me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26That's what happens when you work nights.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Yeah, how very selfish of me. - Don't worry.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32I've been spending a lot of time here so any questions you've got, you just ask me.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36OK, here's a question. Why are you sleeping on me couch?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Caroline said I wasn't allowed upstairs.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40She said it'd be inappropriate.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Here's another one. Is that my deodorant?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45PHONE RINGS
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Who's that? - Difficult to tell from here.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- Don't answer it.- Why not?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Caroline, if you trust me you will not answer that phone.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Hello? Oh, hi, Rachel. How are you?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Oi, is someone after you? - No.- What was that all about, then?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I thought it was one of those automated sales calls. They're a right pain.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Are you in danger?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10If you are, I'd really like you to get out me house.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13No. Look, it's not like that at all.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- I'm trying to avoid this woman, right? Psycho Sarah.- Oh.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Just this woman I was seeing.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Obviously, she got a bit too attached.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- I had to say I was going to Bologna. - That's why you're sleeping on my couch.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That and your peerless selection of breakfast cereals, yeah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- What are you avoiding this woman for?- Because she's crazy.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33What, really crazy or just pretending to be in Bologna crazy?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37She's a total nut job. I should know. I was seeing her for five weeks.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Five weeks! That's like marriage by your standards.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- How come we never met her? - Oh, I don't know, Liam.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Do I know every intimate personal detail of your life?- Yeah.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48You pretty much do live in my house.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Yeah, well, some of us like to retain an air of mystery.- Hang on,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54if she's such a nutter, why did it take you five weeks to end it?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57You should taste her flapjacks.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00No, of course I understand.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03That's absolutely fine. I'll take care of it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You just make sure you get better.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Bye now. Bye-bye.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Oh, the lying cow!- What?
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Josh's mum can't take the boys swimming because she's got a stomach bug.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17There is that thing going round.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Oh, rubbish. Every time it's her turn to take them, something comes up.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22I'm so sorry, Caroline.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27I've been called into work. It's a really last-minute thing. Yeah.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'm on my way now.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Food poisoning. I think it's awful. I can't keep anything down.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I've got to wait in for a delivery. It could be any time between eight and six.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Bye.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, come on. How do you know you're not just imagining it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I saw her at the gym when she was supposed to be having an in-growing toenail removed.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- It's outrageous. - I told you not to pick up the phone.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52There goes my hair appointment.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55No, not if she's lying. Stand up for yourself, woman.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58That's the thing. I can't be 100% sure she's lying.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Call her bluff. Tell her she's a faker.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Be careful with that. I made a terrible mistake once.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Ended up having to make an apology and a very hefty donation to Help The Aged.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12All right, well, you get your hair done.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- I'll take the kids.- Oh, no.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18You've been working nights all week, you need to rest. I'll sort it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Oh, remind me again when the kids are leaving home.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I reckon seven years.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Chloe will move out, Stevie will be at university,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Mikey will be in prison.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Well, that's the dream.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Steve, come on. It's time to go.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oi. You could've offered to drive, you know.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I can't. I'm supposed to be in Bologna.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Why Bologna anyway? Why didn't you say Rome?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46No, it's too touristy.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Hold on.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Four missed calls, Liam. Four!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52She's clinically obsessed with me.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- You've got her listed as Psycho Sarah. - Yeah, that's to distinguish her.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59What, from all the other psychos you know?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Yeah. Don't you think it's pretty sick, Dad.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03A woman who wants to go out with you?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Yeah, I think that's pretty sick. - Thank you.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07How does this even count as hiding?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11You spend 90% of your life here. It's like him trying to hide in the bookies.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Don't worry.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I didn't give her your address.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It wasn't a very verbal relationship, if you know what I mean.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21MUSIC BLARES
0:07:21 > 0:07:27- What's going on?- Mikey won't open the door. Said he's psyching himself up.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- Mum!- What are you doing? - I'm getting myself into the zone.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- The deaf zone?- It's what they do in the Premiership.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Maybe it is, but you're in Year Five Football Club.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Exactly! You only get one shot at this.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Fine. Steve, get your towel. We're taking you swimming.- Why?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50What's the matter with Josh's mum?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Oh, something as usual. She's a compulsive liar.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You know, you really should learn to stand up to her.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- Hurry up, Steve!- All right.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02See you later, Luce. Bye. Bye.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You taking Lucy to the concert with you?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- No.- But she's your best friend. - Exactly.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11She already likes me, so what have I got to gain by inviting her?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Be like a waste of a ticket. Might as well invite you.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Wow. As bad as that?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I know. These things could be the key to my popularity forever.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I can't blow it on a friend.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23You can be very mercenary sometimes.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Thank you. - Perhaps you could do me a favour.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'll tell you something else I don't get.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I always felt Mikey was bad at football.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35He is really bad. He let 12 goals in in his first match.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Then why's he acting like player of the year?- He's improved.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Turns out he just needed a bit of practice.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, he had practice, Dad. I saw the practice.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Are you ready, Mikey?- Yeah. - Here it comes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Mikey! Mikey! You OK?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- I'm rubbish. - No, you got something on it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- My face. - Don't worry yourself about that.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Let me tell you a story.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh, not Bert Trautmann.
0:09:01 > 0:09:08Bert Trautmann played in goal for Manchester City in the 1956 FA Cup Final with a broken neck.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- You think I've got a broken neck? - Don't be daft.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Hey, Mikey, this football lark's getting you down, isn't it?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I hate it, Uncle Tommy.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Do you know what I do when something gets me down? Just pack it in.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Grandad says quitters never win and winners never quit.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Yeah, well, it's not quitting, is it? It's nonconformity.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31You see, if Bob Marley had carried on playing football, nobody would've heard of him.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Who's Bob Marley?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- I need to spend a lot more time at your house.- Mikey!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Two out of two! Yeah!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Ow.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You basically destroyed the lad's confidence and self-esteem.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Self-esteem's overrated, Tommy.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Most of the work in this country is done by people who hate themselves.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- I don't hate myself.- You don't work.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57If he's that bad, why's he doing all these victory dances?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's a very good question, Liam.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Perhaps Dad would like to answer that one for us.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Caroline said if he hated football that much, he could give up.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Give up! Then where would he be?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Free to follow his dream of becoming a dancer?- Exactly.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I had to stop that at all costs.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Billy Elliot was basically a horror film to you, Dad, wasn't it?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23So last week I did what everyone wanted.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- I helped the boy's self-esteem.- How?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28By becoming part of the team.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Thanks for helping out, Mr Flynn. - Oh, any time.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Now listen, do some stretching, OK?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Don't get tight. Stay warm, all right? OK?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Keep that up. OK?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, my... You were the referee?!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44What did you do?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Nothing. Well, not much.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Most of the game Mikey was on the subs' bench anyway so his team were actually winning.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54With five minutes left to play...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56BLOWS WHISTLE
0:10:56 > 0:10:58CHEERING
0:10:58 > 0:10:597-0 to the orange team!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Right, Mikey, you're on.- Go, Mikey!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh dear.
0:11:17 > 0:11:197-6.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Come on, Mikey! There's only a minute left.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Don't let any more in and you've won!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I don't think I can watch this.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36WHISTLE BLOWS REPEATEDLY
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Yes!- That's it.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Full time.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Good game, everyone. Well done.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Good effort, son, very good effort.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You fixed the game?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- I just knocked a few seconds off, that's all.- You fixed the game!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Welcome to the dark side, my friend.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00What are you talking about, dark side?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm allowed to add time on so why can't I knock time off?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04You just can't.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08If it wasn't for time added on, United'd lose all their trophies.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Well, there you go.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I'm redressing a balance.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- What, between Man United and Everton Park Primary School?- Yeah.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Your moral compass has no needle.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It's not cheating if it's spontaneous.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Spoken like a true City fan.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Dad, do you make it 11 o'clock?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Er, yeah.- Exactly 11 o'clock?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Yeah, why? - Mum wants me to ring her.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Come on, Grandad. Let's go and kick some ass.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Dad? Have a word with him, will you?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Yeah. It's not ass. It's arse.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45You're not in America.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46No, Dad.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Just sort him out, will you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I will. Don't you worry about it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, hi, Mum. Yeah, it's me.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56No, nothing's the matter.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You said to ring you.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Hello? Mum?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06What are you on about? Hello?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- I think Mum's lost it. - Oh, that's nice.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Come on, then. How long are you planning on staying here for?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14As long as it takes to shake off Psycho Sarah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18But if you never answer your phone how will you know you've shaken her off?
0:13:18 > 0:13:19That's a very good point, Liam.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I could be here for the long haul.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Hello? Hello. This is a message for Psycho...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Er, for Sarah.
0:13:33 > 0:13:39Yeah, I'm Liam. I'm Tommy's brother, um, and basically I know where he is.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50FOOTBALL BLARES FROM TV
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Isn't it nice to have the house to yourself?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- I literally have no idea. - Right, Uncle Tommy.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- You got me into this mess. You have to get me out.- You what?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03These are the names of everyone I could invite. Blue are my actual friends.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Red are popular people who know me, and green are popular people who don't like me.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- OK.- So if I invite more then one green,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12they'll just talk to each other and I'll end up with a blue or a red.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And the red will go over to the greens. That won't work.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17But if I invite another blue for insurance,
0:14:17 > 0:14:22the green won't come, so I might as well not risk it and just invite blues, reds and no greens.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24But that feels like a waste, don't you think?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Why don't you just invite...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm asking Uncle Tommy.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Who's green?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Popular people who don't like me.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Right. Well, why don't you...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Who's blue again, sorry? - Oh, you're useless!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- If only you put that much effort into your homework. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Don't answer it. - We don't know who it is.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It's her. I recognise the ring.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- She thinks you're in Bologna. - She's tracked me down!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57It's fine. If we stay here and don't move, she'll give up in an hour or so.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I'm answering the door.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Who is it?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- It's a blonde girl.- Yeah, that's her. She's a fruit-loop.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- She's got an axe. - Really? Well, don't let her in.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Hello?- Hi. You must be Tommy's brother.- Sarah?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Yeah.- You'd better come in. - Oh, no, you're all right, I'm not stopping, no.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26There's no reason for Tommy to come out of hiding.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Just you tell him he left his wallet at mine.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- That's all you wanted him for? - Yeah. I'll see you around.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Wait. Whoa, hold on. You're not a fruit-loop at all, are you?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37What a lovely thing to say. Thank you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- Why don't you come in for a cup of tea?- I'm all right, thanks. - Come on, it'll be funny.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Tommy! You're here!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Yeah, hi.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52I had to come back to read...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56..Take A Break. Hi.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Hello, Muppet. I brought your wallet.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Um, sorry about the whole Bologna thing. The meeting was cancelled.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Oh, right. What meeting? The International Summit Of Lying Bastards?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah, that's the one.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16- I don't know why I bother. - Well, your assistance is very much appreciated.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You two have a lot of catching up to do, so...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20No, thanks. I'll see you later, Tommy.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Yeah, I'll see you. - No, wait. Whoa!.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Do you mind waiting while I have a quick chat with my brother?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I've kind of got plans for the afternoon.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Five minutes. Isn't what you and Tommy had worth that?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35All right, three minutes.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Be a big favour to me. Please. - Oh, all right, then.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46What did I tell you? Fruitcake or what?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49No, Tommy, what's the matter with you? She's really nice.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Didn't take anything, then?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Well, doesn't seem like it,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56although we won't know till I check my Advantage Card.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- There's nothing wrong with her, is there?- You don't know what lies beneath.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Like when she makes a cup of tea,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06she empties the kettle then fills it up with fresh water.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10She says it makes the tea taste better. How mad is that?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12YOU'RE mad.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14She's good-looking, she's charming.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17If you just list her qualities she's bound to sound nice.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20When have you ever gone out with a girl who's safe around money?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Tracey Jones.- She pawned your telly to buy a snake.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28She needed it for her act!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I know what this is about.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33You don't like Sarah because she's normal.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- What?- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Your idea of a scary psycho is a normal girl with no snake who likes you.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44- It's freaking you out. You're worried there's nothing to stop you marrying her.- That's preposterous.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48It's nice to see you with someone, you know, normal. You deserve it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Do you think?- No, actually. No.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Take her back. She's nice.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55How about this?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57That's two greens. It won't work.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Yes, but if you invite a green or a red,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- that automatically makes them a blue.- Oh, I suppose.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Hey, Uncle Tommy was wrong about you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- You're not a psycho at all. - Thank you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11What a delightful family you are.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- What's the matter with you?- We lost.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Big wow. You nearly always lose.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22But it wasn't even our fault this time. Grandad totally robbed us.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- I hate him. - I called it how I saw it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- What did you do, Grandad?- Nothing.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Everyone hates the ref. Comes with the territory.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You should have heard the names they called him.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Well, it just shows their lack of vocabulary.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Who's the pillock in the black?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40That's pretty rich coming from a nun. Who's this?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, Sarah. I'm a friend of Tommy's.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, the bunny boiler.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48That's right, yeah. Pleased to meet you.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49At least admit she's not a psycho.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53She tracked me down and found me. That tells you all you need to know.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55She didn't track you down, Tommy.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57What? How else would she know where was?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I invited her round.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- You did what? - I wanted you off me couch.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Then I met her and realised you two could have something long term.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- That would also get you off me couch.- I don't believe this.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Sold out by my own brother.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14I'm shocked. I should walk out that door and never come back.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Go on, then.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Can't. I've got a teacake in the toaster.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Hiya!- You all right, love? How was swimming?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I have absolutely no idea.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I palmed it back off onto Josh's mum.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Well done. How did you manage that? - I got an emergency phone call from Chloe.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Thanks so much for this, Caroline. I wouldn't ask, but it's killing me.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Yeah, you do look rough.- I feel it.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Really, really rough.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Absolutely dog rough.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48PHONE RINGS Oh, hang on.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Hello?- Hi, Mum. It's me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Oh, hi, Chlo. What's the matter? - Nothing. You said to ring you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Oh, my God. Why? What's happened?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Liam's dad's been rushed into hospital.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Hello? Mum? Mum, are you there?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06His liver's finally given up.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Oh, Chlo, darling, don't cry.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Your grandad's going to be fine.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11What are you on about?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Apparently he's asking for me.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Oh, I don't know what to do.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Obviously I'm meant to be driving the boys to swimming, so...
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- I'll take the boys swimming. - Oh, but you've got that stomach bug.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31A family emergency beats a stomach bug.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Yeah, it kind of does, doesn't it?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Steve, come on. Josh's mum's taking you.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Are you going to tell him about his grandad?- Hm?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Oh, it's probably best not to mention it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44You'll only worry him.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I'll see you later.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- I can't believe you did that. - Liver failure, eh? Good job.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- I'd buy that.- You were the one who told me to stand up for myself.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Not by killing me dad.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01He's not dead, Liam. He's just in intensive care.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06- Oh, that's all right, then. - Besides, I might need to kill him off next week.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12- Oi, hang on, hang on. If you didn't go swimming, you could have gone and got your hair done after all.- Yes.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14And I did.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- It looks stunning.- Thank you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Speaking of stunning, who's the girl on my couch?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Some girl that Liam rung up, invited her round.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh, well, just so long as I know.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29It's a girl Tommy's been seeing.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Really? She looks fairly normal. - Yeah, I know.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I've been weaving my magic trying to get them back together.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Right, Uncle Tommy. I've got it all sorted, OK? Are you ready?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42OK, I'm inviting Emma and Lauren.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Emma hates Lauren so she won't go, but I'll get points for asking.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Layla will go but she'll bring her boyfriend Paul,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50which is OK cos he doesn't go anywhere without Jason and Kyle.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54They've both got girlfriends, but once I'm in with them, I'm set.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58So it's them, Layla's sister, her friends, and all I need is five more tickets.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I ain't got five more tickets.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I can work with three.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- No, I can't get any more.- Two?- No.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06None. Nothing. Zero.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Oh, you're no help at all.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Hi. I don't think we've met.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I'm Caroline, Liam's wife.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Oh, Sarah. Psychopathic stalker who's obsessed with Tommy.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Right. It's nice to meet you.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Mikey? How about fetching your old grandad a nice cup of tea?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Get stuffed, Grandad.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32You can't stay in a mood with me for the rest of your life.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35No, but I can for the rest of yours.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39What's that about? What have you done?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- I did what everyone wanted. Mikey's not gloating any more, is he? - No, he's miserable
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- by the look of it. - That's because I fixed things.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51- How do you mean, fixed? - I thought he'd go out there today, do his little victory dance,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54get the crap beaten out of him and everything would be fine.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56But it didn't work out that way, did it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03In your face!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07He was good?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09He was all right.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12But apparently last week's victory gave him a little confidence boost.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- It was 0-0 with two minutes to play. - 0-0?!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Oh, come on, Mikey! My little boy.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25By God, it was annoying. The more he did that stupid dance, the worse it got.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I couldn't let them win again!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- What did you do that for? - Sorry, love. My foot slipped.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You cheated so Mikey would lose?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45To make up for the cheating I did last week so he'd win.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I've got to be fair, haven't I?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I'm a referee.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Oh, I know what this is all about. This is you trying to take control of my life.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- I just want you to be happy. What's wrong?- You want me married off.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- You are jealous of my carefree lifestyle.- Carefree?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Mm. I'm a lone wolf.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04More like a rescue dog.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- You've hid behind the couch all day. - I think you know what I'm talking about.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10You're frightened of being in a relationship.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Why wouldn't I be after you? - What's that mean?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- You know, all this.- Getting married and having three beautiful kids?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19That was fantastic. I don't regret any of it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21MIKEY: God, I hate this family. DOOR SLAMS
0:24:21 > 0:24:23We're having an off day.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Look, I will give her another whirl, but only because she brought that wallet back.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- You're a romantic fool, Tommy. - Thanks for having me round.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35It's been an education. But I really did just come to give you back the wallet, so...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37No, no. It's OK, don't go yet.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41I've had a chat with my idiot brother, talked him round.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44He's going to give you another go. Isn't that right, Tommy?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Sorry? So you're telling me that you've managed to persuade Tommy,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53who lied to me and then hid from me,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- that he should give ME another chance?- Yeah.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Does that make a lot of sense to you?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03No, not when I think about it, no.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05So what do you think happens now?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I think you probably leave and we never see you again.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I think probably. Yeah.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Take care.- Bye.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It's been a blast!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Hey, cheer up. Plenty more fish.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23How could you do this to me, Uncle Tommy?
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- Do what to you?- Only give me four tickets. I mean, think. The maths doesn't even work.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I get three new friends, but what happens when everyone else at school finds out?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33I'll be ruined.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Do you know what I did to get those tickets?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Major favours were called in.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42A Royal Mail employee risked his life.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Two strippers had to make a late-night trip to Liverpool.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Do not ask me why.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's always about you, Uncle Tommy. What about me?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Mikey!- Yeah? - Want to help me tout these?- Yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Right. Go and get a jacket and some shoes you can run in.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- I don't believe you, Jim, I really don't.- What's he done?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- I did what you told me to do.- You told him to trip up a little girl?
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Basically, yeah, he did.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14No, I didn't. Same as I didn't tell you to say Dad was critically ill.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- You what?- Nothing.- Will people please just stop taking my advice?
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Well, fine. Don't expect me to help you out in the future.- I won't.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Hi, I'm back. Josh's mum's here.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Hi, Caroline.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Hi, Rachel. I suppose they must be for...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Liam's Dad. How is he?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35He's...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- You not met Liam's dad?- No.- Right.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Well, he's, er, he's not bad under the circumstances.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46They're keeping him in, but he's quite a bit better.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Who are you on about?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Liam's dad, who's ill in hospital.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Eh?- Yeah, you know him.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56He's a really good-looking fella,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58kind, understanding eyes.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Liam's dad?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oh, right, yeah.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Lovely bloke, Liam's dad.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, he's the best. He's a saint.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08We all love him.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Aye, aye. That's Liam's dad for you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- One of the giants.- And you are?
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Me? Oh, I'm just a local referee.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Yes, a very dear friend.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22A kind, gentle man.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Right, well, I'll get out of your way.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Have you done something to your hair?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30No.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Sweet taste of revenge.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- What was all that about? - Oh, nothing. Anyway,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46what are you going to do to make it up to Mikey?
0:27:46 > 0:27:51- He's still pretty mad at you.- Well, I'll still spend time with him.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I'll just ask him what he wants to do next.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57With a one, two, three, four.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS - One, two, three, four.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02One, two, three, four.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04One, two. Turn!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07One, two, three, four.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08One. Other way!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Two, three, four. One...
0:28:10 > 0:28:15# I know it's gonna be all right
0:28:17 > 0:28:22# For ever I'll be by your side
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# For everyone you love
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# For everyone you feel
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# I'll never give it up
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# Until the dream is real. #
0:28:36 > 0:28:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk