0:00:03 > 0:00:05# For anyone who loves
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# For anyone who feels
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# I'm never giving up
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Until the dream is real
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Until the dream is real #
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Mikey! Mikey, over the other lace there and wind it round.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29- What's wrong with Velcro?- Does David Cameron wear Velcro shoes?
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Eh? Does Wayne Rooney? Wayne probably does actually, but...
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- What's the formula for helium? - I don't know! Just look it up!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Right... who's taken me washing-up gloves?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Who's taken me washing-up gloves?!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Dad, you sound like an old washer woman.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53That's it, I'm going barefoot. That could be, like, my thing.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Well, get another thing, Mowgli(!)
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Come here. Just... Give it here.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Right...first, you make your laces into little bunny ears.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I'm not a little kid.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- You make your laces into strippers' underwear bows.- Dad!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Hello! It's your friendly, local superbad grandad.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- Hi, Grandad.- Hello.- Dad, Dad, do you fancy babysitting?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20No, I'm not stopping. I lead a full life, you know.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21I bought you a present.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24It's not another Man City tray, is it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:30- The last one mysteriously got lost somewhere near Stretford dump. - No, it's a painting by me.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32You can't paint a wall!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Well, I took on board your suggestion that I need a new hobby.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- And this is...?- You and Caroline.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I put myself in the background.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Well, you look young and handsome.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well, art is truth and truth is art.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Aren't you going to put it on the wall?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You try and stop me.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Seriously, try and stop me.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59No, I'm... I'm just joking. It's beautiful, Dad. Well done.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Yeah, I think I've captured you nicely. I did it from a photo.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10- What, of me and Caroline? - Well, I'm not going to use a picture of The Krankies, am I?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Where's Caroline? - She's on late shifts.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Another reason why my life's so annoying at the moment.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Oh...that's...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22breathtaking!
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Hey, Chlo, what are you doing? You can't go out!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I've got a meeting with Mother Very Superior ten minutes ago.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Well, I can't baby-sit, I've got study group.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34That'd better be for real.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39I will superglue you to the front of the house as a warning to other teenagers.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Do you want me to fail my GCSEs, end up on the scrapheap and never leave home?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48You're right. Yes, you go, work hard, study.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Hey, Dad, come on! Put your full life on hold.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57Sit down and relax... with clueless science boy and barefoot kid in there.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03Right? Right, boys, I'm off! I'm going to get shouted at by a mad woman in a penguin suit.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11You've got three kids in this school. Give something back, you selfish lowlife.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Is this because I buried the school bell in 1992?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- No.- Good! Good, see, cos I think we can laugh about it now, can't we?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24We'll give it another 20 years.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27There's a list of school projects, choose one.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- HE SIGHS HEAVILY - I'll make a cake.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36It's for the Catholic inter-schools cake contest, and we're attempting a world-record-sized carrot cake.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41Right, well, I'm not doing that. Erm...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Yeah, I'll make a new nativity crib.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Good, that's for the inter-schools crib of the year, so it better be good.
0:03:47 > 0:03:53- You don't need animals as well, do ya?- Of course we need animals, it's a pigging nativity crib.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56A bit unnecessary.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11HE SIGHS
0:04:18 > 0:04:20HE SIGHS, DOOR SLAMS
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Oh, come here, love. I could do with the healing power of your thighs wrapped around me.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Well, I'd give it a go, but are you sure?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Sorry, I know it's a bit late,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37but I was on me way home and I thought you might like me to drink some of your beer.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Anyone in the north you haven't speed-dated?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Maybe you're ready for a bit of middle-distance dating.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I was having a kickabout with me mates from Gamblers Anonymous, actually.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Ooh, I'd love to see that.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52You can't stand the idea that I have a great life as a single man, can you?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Hiya! Ooh, you been speed-dating, Kev?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00No. Well, yes, I did have a quick one early on.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02How's tonight been, love?
0:05:02 > 0:05:08Oh, usual, you know. Chores, homework, broke up a fight about whether Mikey was a squirt or a tit.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Oh, and your mum rang.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Updated me on her hot flushes, apparently they're very hot... even by Spanish standards.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Ah, well.- Oh, yeah, there's more.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Yeah, I...burnt some bills,
0:05:21 > 0:05:26very nearly got depressed... until I remembered that Dad has painted us a picture.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- That's not supposed to be me and you?- Yes, it is.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I look like a witch with a crow on me head!
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- I've been dead for a fortnight! - That's not actually a bad painting that, is it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Yes, if it was called "Two Zombies with George Clooney".
0:05:44 > 0:05:45SHE SIGHS
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Why didn't you tell your dad we're not having it in the house?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Because his little face was all proud and needy.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53His little face?!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56All right, his massive, stupid moon face.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's our fault...we encouraged that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Or, how about...pottery?
0:06:04 > 0:06:09I don't want to make pots. There are already too many pots in the world!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Well, why don't you just research our family history?
0:06:11 > 0:06:17I know our history. We drink a lot and have the ability to knock out a horse with one punch.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And that's just the women.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24We just think it's important for older people to keep active.
0:06:24 > 0:06:30I've worked hard all me life. I've earned the right to just flop here like a rather elegant polar bear.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What about amateur dramatics?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34HE GROANS
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Cycling?- Sweaty.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Stamp collecting?- Have you seen the price of stamps lately?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Astronomy?- Spooky.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43How about painting?
0:06:43 > 0:06:48All right, if I take up painting, will you shut up and leave me alone?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Be careful what we wish for, eh?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- HE GROANS - Oh, I'm so bored!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Sorry. It can't be easy watching me having it all.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59You, having it all?!
0:06:59 > 0:07:05Yeah, you know what I mean - younger, out every night, lots of different women.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yeah, speed dating.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Yes, but I'm my own boss, aren't I?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You know, mates, bands, booze,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14chicken costume.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16What?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It was... Long story.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22More boozing, parties, fun.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Well, so? I could have all that if I wanted.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Oh, yeah, yeah. Course you could. Clear it with the missus,
0:07:27 > 0:07:32park your kids at social services and come on down(!)
0:07:32 > 0:07:35No, it's OK, no. I've got the job and the loving family.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- You try managing one of those. - Having kids is easy,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41you just take 'em down the park, play on the swings.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42I do that already.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Fine, and the job?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47My CV's out there.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I've read it, yeah, it's definitely out there.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Who wants a job anyway? It gets in the way of partying.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Do you know what? I've had enough of this. I'm not finished.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- When are you going out with your mates again?- Tomorrow.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'm coming with you. I'll show you I've still got it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- You have not.- What?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06All right, yeah, but you've just got to promise not to make a fool of yourself.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Party on!
0:08:10 > 0:08:15We-ey! Hey, do you know what - let's get, let's watch a movie.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18We'll get some vodka... and I know - let's order a pizza.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Yeah, do you know what we should do? Let's do street dance.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- I'll have a cup of tea. - No, come on! No, this is...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26This is the night time, it's where dreams come true,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28it's where we can go, like, crazy.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Well, OK. I'll have some toast with that cup of tea.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Hey!- What time do you call this?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38It's half past 12! Sorry, love, did I wake you up?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39How was football?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh, it was just fantastic.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I feel... Do you know what, I feel like 16 again - you know,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46without any spots and with regular sex.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- How many pints have you had? - He's had about...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Yo, no! Don't, don't tell her!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54She'll just hold it against me.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57No, I won't - don't make me sound like a naggy wife.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Four.- Four?! Is that all? Look at the state of yer!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He's a cheap date these days. Built like a truck, drinks like a girl.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Yeah, well, you look like a girl. - GIGGLES INANELY
0:09:09 > 0:09:11So come on, tell me what you all got up to
0:09:11 > 0:09:15without using the words "vomited" or "on a policeman".
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Well, we had our kickabout, which Liam took very seriously.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Come on!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Then we drank, then we went to a club
0:09:21 > 0:09:24so Liam could catch up on the "rap scene",
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and then he chased a squirrel across the A6.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'd have caught him as well, he just went up a tree.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32What are the chances of that, hey?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Hey, do you want, do you want a sandwich?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Do you want a drink, do you want a drink? I do!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40We-ey! Look who it is.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Only Mary, eh?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Do you want a drink, Mary?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Ooh, she said although she's breastfeeding
0:09:48 > 0:09:51she'll have half a lager. Cheeky.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Come on, let's go.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Well, let's at least admire his energy.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Mm. I suppose that's what happens
0:10:00 > 0:10:03when you ram a cork into a bottle of cheap, fizzy cider for 16 years.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05What am I in this analogy?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You're...
0:10:07 > 0:10:08You're the cork?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Or are you the cider, and his cork's the...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Don't do analogies, Kevin.
0:10:12 > 0:10:18# Surely you will find me caught beneath the landslide... #
0:10:18 > 0:10:19What's in your sandwich?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Toast. I found it in the toaster.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Anyway. Night, mate. And you, Liam.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30'Night, Kevin. Maybe it's time for bed, love.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33What? no! I'm not wasting any more precious seconds of me life.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Look at this, look.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Look at that, I'm getting older.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Life's disappearing.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Love, we... We should be out every night,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47you know, chasing squirrels.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Every night?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Do you want your special hot drink?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56No! I'm too young and funky for a special hot drink.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Although it might not be a bad idea, this sandwich is a bit dry.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I think you might regret this in the morning, love.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Nah, come here. Hey?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Do you remember when we used to stay up all night
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- and just go straight to school? - Ooh, yeah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19If I move away, will you fall over?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I wouldn't risk it, love. Mm.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Come on, kids, hurry up, we're late.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Morning, Liam.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Morning, Sister Mary.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Leaving aside why you look like an extra from Dawn Of The Dead,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- I've got a question for you.- Good.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Er, stay, Chloe. And go and scrape off that make-up -
0:11:42 > 0:11:44you look like a stripper.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Liam, these boys have been arguing about the offside law -
0:11:49 > 0:11:51explain it to them, please.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52OK.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54And I'm expecting a spectacular crib.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Don't flake out on me.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I know it may not seem like it, but I've got faith in you.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Brilliant.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Right, boys.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Offside, right? Basically you've...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You've got, like, two...two players, right, on the back line...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15You were off your face last night, weren't you?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23So, why are you going out again?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27What? Seizing the day. Catching up on having it all.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Yes, how do WE fit into the "all"?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, we can easily fit into the hall. Woo!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I missed out, too, you know.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37While my mates were larging it in The Hacienda,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41I was with Postman Pat and his black and white stupid cat.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Anyway, Kevin and his friends need me.- Are you sure?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Yes. I've brought organisation and structure to their kickabouts.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Hang on to your hats - it's Jimmy Flynn,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- the thinking woman's crumpet. - All right, Jim.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Caroline, the, paint... The crap painting!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I've come round to help Mikey with his laces for half an hour.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05He's cracked the bunny ears, but he's still struggling
0:13:05 > 0:13:06to get them through the rabbit holes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Right, well, he's upstairs. Cheers, Dad, just go on up.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Did Caroline like the painting?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Yes, but...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I'll let her choose her... her own words, Dad, eh?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Caroline? Carefully.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Yeah, it's...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25To be honest, Jim, it's...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29nothing short of sensational.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Look at the brushwork there on my witchy face.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Well, you know what they say -
0:13:37 > 0:13:39you're no oil painting, but you are now.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46Whereas on your side of the painting, it seems to be 1985.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yeah, still, what an achievement, eh? Let's not analyse it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Yeah, I'm currently in the middle of a still life with melons.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- BOTH:- Oh-h-h.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Right, well, listen - we're going out, Dad, so...- Oh, where to?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I'm working, Liam's going out again in search of the fountain of youth.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- I'll go and help Mikey with his laces.- Oh, cheers Dad.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Just tell your dad we hate the painting.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- But it'll kill him. - It's worth the risk.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Right, bye. Study group.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Whoa, hey! What are you studying tonight - allegedly?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18The triangle intercept theorem.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21All right, go on then.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27So, are you ready for your evening?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, aye. Oh, 'ey! Look at this.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32New kit, proper, my idea.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oh, very good.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36This is Joyce.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Hiya Joyce, ignore my husband, he's a bit confused.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43All right, love?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47So, er, Chloe tells us that you're the most sensible girl in the class.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Not exactly very hard though, is it?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Right, be firm with Steve and Mikey.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55They once locked a baby-sitter in the garage for the whole evening.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Yeah, don't fall for the
0:14:56 > 0:14:59"Come and see our broken picnic table" routine.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Help yourself to whatever you want.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Boys, we're going!
0:15:04 > 0:15:08No, through the bloody rabbit hole! What are you, an idiot?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Mum, Grandad called me an idiot.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Jim, these days we try to use positive reinforcement.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17All right then, you're an idiot with a good-looking grandad.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Joyce, we're going! Right then, let's do this.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Are you sure you need another night on the town?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh aye, smell the possibilities.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I think that might be the bins.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Come on! Let's get this party started.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38All right, come on in, come on in, sit yourselves down,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41make yourself feel at home. Come on, come on through.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Right, we've got you home, OK?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Can we go before you wake everyone up?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Shh shh shh shh shh, listen to this.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49DANCE MUSIC BLARES
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Eh?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Too loud? Is it a bit loud?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- What's this, Liam?- It's not bad, is it? I think he's got a real talent.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Whoa no, no, no, no, no, no this is just a picture of The Krankies
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and I don't even know what it's doing here.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Oi, look who it is! It's Caroline!- Hello.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11ALL: All right?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Yeah she's very, very special. We've been together for 93 years.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Hey, and here's me daughter Chloe!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Who is famous for sleeping in her lipstick
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and is going straight back to bed.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23I just wanted to say hello!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Me house.- I'll make some coffee.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Wait, no, no, no, we can't have sex in the kitchen! We've got guests!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Phwoar! I'm just mucking around.- Liam.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Of course we can have sex in the kitchen.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- I think they want to go home. - Why would they want to do that?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I'll make 'em all a sandwich.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Don't make 'em a sandwich.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48See that, see, why do they go on about housing shortages?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Right, I made that in two days.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Hey, how was our quiet little baby-sitter?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Yeah, great. I found the boys locked in the garage
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and her dry-humping her boyfriend on the tumble dryer.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06No. Yeah well, good for her, bags of spirit. Get in, you, wicked.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Do something about him. He's embarrassing me in front of my team.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, he's just being over enthusiastic.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15He's worse than that.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18You know when you feed a dog loads of brandy and get it drunk?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- No.- He's out of control, Caroline. I, I don't know what to do.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Well, put his lead back on and tie it to a tree for a couple of hours.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- I meant Liam.- So did I.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Look, if he's that embarrassing
0:17:30 > 0:17:32just tell him he can't come out with you any more.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Well, we would - except he's offered for you to wash the kit, so...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Oh, I see.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Well, where are all his mates his own age?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Well, having kids, finally.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Oh, look. he don't meet anyone. He's always at home washing up
0:17:47 > 0:17:49or playing Jenga with the kids.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52So technically he's right, he does need to get out more.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Awww.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56He's just got to get it out of his system.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Come on, what about your rights?
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Go on.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Well, who cleans up after fun boy here? You do, don't you?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Might as well lie down and I'll paint "Doormat" on you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Because he's walking all over you.- Yes, I get it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Oh...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I thought you were back in bed.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I recognise you. You were in The Bull's Head
0:18:17 > 0:18:19the night before last with some lads.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22No, I wasn't.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You were in the pub on your study group night?
0:18:24 > 0:18:29You know what, we did take a quick break for an orange juice,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31one of our five fruit and veg of the day.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33We trusted you.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well, that's it, then. No, that's it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39You, you're not going out until you can act more responsibly.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42In, in, in a responsibility way.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And be more responsible yourself. Right, bed.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Who's up for a shot of summat I found in the back of the cupboard?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Urgh, it tastes like acid!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's probably Windolene.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Ooh, one more.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Of course I'm not staying in tonight. Going out's fun, I'm fun.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Did you pack the bags under your eyes yourself?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Don't panic, it's your friendly local hunk of burning lurve.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Last night, did we, did we break his...?- Yeah, we did.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27It's there, quick, quick, quick. Oh, look at it!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30All right, mend it, mend it, restore it, come on.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I've bought a present for Mikey.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Is it a painting of him looking about 40?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- Why are we doing this?- We hate it! - For the same reason we kept
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Chloe's pictures on the fridge for ten years.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Where's my painting?- Oh, erm, Dad,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47there's erm, summat...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Summat terrible happened last night. - Oh?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Caroline, tell Dad what happened.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57No, you do it.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Right Dad, listen, we had some lads round last night, right?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And...and...one of them nicked it.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08No.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Nicked it, yeah. Bold as brass.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Bloody art lovers.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- WHISPERS:- Don't overdo it.- (Sorry.)
0:20:20 > 0:20:22So what's Mikey's present?
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Oh, er, slip-ons. I bought them at a car boot sale, no laces.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Wow, that's going to attract crowds in the playground.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Yeah, yeah, thanks, Dad, but you know,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Mikey, he's got to learn to tie his laces. He's 11.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Charlotte Church had already played the Albert Hall.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Good point, well made, love. - Thank you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I can baby-sit tonight if you're desperate, after my art class.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Oh, thanks Jim, but Chloe's offered to baby-sit
0:20:46 > 0:20:48for the next five years.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51We've got a life model in.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Oh, aye, yeah. You're not fooling me, that means nude. Is it a woman?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's all the same to me.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00The human form is comely in all shapes and sizes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03But if it's not a woman I'm off.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I'm not staring at some bloke's meat and two veg for three hours. Here.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Study group. Study grope more like.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Aye, a good play on words there, love.- Thank you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18OK, I did a bad thing
0:21:18 > 0:21:20but I'm only trying to have a good time like Dad.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- She's got a point.- No, she hasn't!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Oh, yeah, thanks for Joyce.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27If we'd have wanted an evil baby-sitter
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- we'd have got your nan in. - She's very quiet in Geography.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Er, have you finished that nativity crib?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33The school keep asking about it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Yeah, I can't be bothered. Anyway, I'm going out tonight, aren't I?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39That's the thing about having a laugh,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42it's just the same as anything else, you've gotta practise.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Yeah, life's too short, so I've cancelled my overtime
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and I'm going out tonight, too.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49You're not just doing this cos I'm going out, are you?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52No. I want to see my friends. And unlike you,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56we won't be chasing squirrels and drinking till we fall over.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Party on!
0:22:05 > 0:22:06What time do you call this?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Erm, don't tell me, is it sense of humour failure o'clock?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Ooh... She'll come off when she's ready.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Wa-a-a-ay! All right? I beat you by five minutes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Story of our sex life.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24THEY LAUGH
0:22:24 > 0:22:26It's amazing I'm not more screwed up.
0:22:26 > 0:22:32Oh, Chloe. Come on, love. Chloe, come back, come here.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Chloe, right I admit...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I've called you back now and I...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40and I'm, I don't know what to do with ya.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Sorry, sorry.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46And, er, what have you been doing tonight?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Oh - 'ey, I challenged that cocky Adam from football
0:22:50 > 0:22:52to a run-off around town.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Liam, he's 19.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Exactly, plus en route we stopped off at, like, ten different pubs,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59where we had to have, like, half a lager,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01a packet of crisps, a bit like a triathlon.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Did you come first?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, I was...I was ahead the whole way.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oh, you're so special.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Yeah, that's what I thought. Then I realised I was pranked, weren't I?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12He had the first half and then went home.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14THEY LAUGH
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Sister Mary rang.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19She hates me, Sister Mary.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21To say that that's needed tomorrow
0:23:21 > 0:23:24for the Inter-Schools Crib of the Year. Have fun.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Good luck, 24-hour party person,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33you've got, ee-ee, five and a half hours.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Night-night.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41What's it like being drunk?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Men look hot, everything's hilarious, worries disappear,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51it's like magic.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53And then this happens.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57One nativity crib.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03All the majesty of the birth of Jesus with a dose of realism.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Nappy sack there.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11The lamb has crapped underfoot,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15and one of the wise men have brought an age-inappropriate present
0:24:15 > 0:24:17just like your mum and dad always do.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, well done, love.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Right, assemble, the Flynns! I'll take you to school!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25LIAM SIGHS
0:24:46 > 0:24:47You passed out, love.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Oh, I've got to go to work!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Four hours ago. I phoned in sick for you, just relax.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03You look like I feel.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I've officially not got it any more.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12I, I just wanted what I missed out on in me teens and me 20s.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You know, staying up all night.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Not going to happen now, is it?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19You WERE up all night in your teens and 20s.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Changing nappies, warming bottles, wiping sick off your shoulder.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Oh, yeah. Happy days, eh?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Can I go to bed now?- Yes, love.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Want an apple?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Oh, I'd love one.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- There you go.- Thanks.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52So come on, how do I look?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Better. Me?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55No, the same.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Come here, babe.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Ah, I'm sorry about all that.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03And what was I thinking? Why didn't you just stop me going out?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Because you had to work it out for yourself.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Hey, I can have you tagged if you like.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Wouldn't be a bad idea for Chloe.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Yeah, I'll look into it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Hey, I'm sorry the nativity crib fell out of the car
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and got crushed by a van.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Aye, well, it sums up the week.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- It's me.- And me.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28What happened to the pair of hellraisers that used to live here?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Well, watching nature documentaries.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It's a sad state of affairs when... Ooh, a mongoose!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Kevin told me you smashed my painting.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- Erm...- Oh, Jim, there was nothing wrong with the painting.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48It was just that it made us look your age.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58God, at last. Did you really think I think you look that bad?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Well, why did you give it to us then?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03To stop you banging on about me getting a hobby.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Oh, that's it, don't give him any fruit.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Hey, Grandad, I've learned how to tie my laces.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15Well done. So the ugly shoes did the trick, you see? Ha-ha.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Yeah, I'm cleverer than I look.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20He's tied all the shoes in the house together.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Yeah, double knots.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Ooh lads, I've left something at the front door,
0:27:24 > 0:27:25can you go and get it for me?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Well, this is cosy.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Yes, this is the future. Goodbye booze, hello blanket on my knees.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Hey Kevin, you can win that contest.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I mean, I don't have it all and I don't want it all.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Er, I'd obviously swap my life for yours in a heartbeat.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Aww.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Not for your kids and your personality
0:27:45 > 0:27:46but I do like your house and your telly.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Oh - thanks lads, ta.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I've been feeling bad about your painting
0:27:55 > 0:27:58so, er, this is for you.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Oh, oh yeah, how did your, er, your nude class go?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- Oh, she blew us out.- Oh, gutting.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08So they told us to do a nude self-portrait from memory.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13OK. Burn it!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd