0:00:04 > 0:00:06# For anyone who loves
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# For anyone who feels
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# I'm never giving up
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Until the dream is real
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Until the dream is real. #
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- Hello, Ted.- Hello.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25What is it today, the wheelie bin half an inch over?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30My aunt's sick, could you let the electrician in?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32What, are you having it re-wired?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- I hope she's not too ill. - Death's door.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41But on the plus side - she's loaded!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Urgh, creep. We don't owe that tangerine nutbag any favours.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51How many times have we asked him
0:00:51 > 0:00:53to sort that weird humming noise in his house?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Yes. Well, now we can do something about it.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59You looked after your friend Graham's keys,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01now he is not your friend Graham.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Don't you ever learn?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05This is wrong, Liam.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Shhh. I'm sure I lent him our tent.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Let's have a little rummage.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Hee-hee, come on, it's funny, come on.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Look at his swanky bathroom.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Ah, oh. Oh, don't go in the bedroom, please.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Come on, we've got to have a look.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I've always thought he was a bit of a furry handcuff sort of bloke.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Graham!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Back early?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Yeah, just a day.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Oh, erm, yeah, we just sort of...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42We came to check that you know it was all, erm...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- Everything was sound, you know.- Thanks.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Is Sandra still away?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- She's back tomorrow, so.... - Oh, right.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03That... That'll be nice, won't it, yeah, to have her back.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Anyway, er...- Yeah, of course, yeah, you, I can see you've got your...
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Yeah, we're going to, yeah... We'll go, er...
0:02:12 > 0:02:13It's nice to meet you, love.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Why do we never do it in the afternoon?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That's the lesson you get from that?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Well, Ted's definitely away
0:02:24 > 0:02:26and we can finally find out what that noise is.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- End the years of torment. - You've only mentioned it twice.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31End the minutes of mild curiosity.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Please don't go into next door, Liam.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- You're doing your face.- I am.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I prefer your "I love you" face.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Quite partial to the "drunk as a fart" face.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49All right, I promise you I won't go in next door.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51KEYS JINGLE
0:02:57 > 0:02:59RINGTONE MUSIC: "Funeral March" by Chopin
0:03:06 > 0:03:08PHONE BEEPS OFF
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You don't get many calls, Dad, can you afford not to answer one?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15This is good stuff. Thanks, Kev.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Kevin bought the drinks?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Without you grabbing him by the throat
0:03:19 > 0:03:20and pushing him against the wall?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I can afford to now, I've just launched a major new business.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Ooh!- What is it, does it involve the phrase,
0:03:27 > 0:03:28"Wash your car for 50p, mister?"
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Educational services, actually.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37Oh, yeah, is it the much anticipated Kevin's University?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42It's extra maths tuition for kids, actually.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Not ones with problems though, just thickies.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47No, no, yeah, I know,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I think I've seen your post card in the newsagents next to Alan Sugar's.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54You can scoff.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yeah, thanks, I will, yeah. You? Maths?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Well you're just jealous aren't you - 312 divided by 8?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I know that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- (CROAKING)- No, you don't.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yeah, the answer is - what do I care? I'm a forklift truck driver?
0:04:07 > 0:04:1039, that's maybe why you're a forklift truck driver.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Hey, yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, come on, Dad, who is it? Is it your fancy woman?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Oh, no, he's taking a break from dating
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- after he asked out a lollipop man last week.- No!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I was wearing the wrong glasses.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31You didn't?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Hey, Dad, don't rule anyone out.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I mean, especially if they can walk you across a road(!)
0:04:36 > 0:04:39It's-it's just someone from me old job, they want me to call them back.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Well, call them back, then.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44No, it's an accountant - they're scary and vicious.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48It's weird, I'm going to bed, you can finish that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56He left some beer, he must be really upset.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Yeah, it's not the phone call though, it's his old firm's going bust.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- They went bust?- He's been going on about it all night.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Are you listening to Dad?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07When he's talking?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I'm going as well.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Ooh, have you got a new, slightly-camp car?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18No, they're Ted's keys from next door.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Ooh, Tangerine Ted from the mystery humming house.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Yeah, that's him, yeah. Well, he's gone away and...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27No, no, I can't.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Caroline made me promise that I can't go and check his gaff out.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Well she did the face.- Which one?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yeah, well...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- It couldn't do any harm, could it? - All right.- Come on, Kev.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Come on.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Hey, hey. I'll be lookout.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I don't need one. I've got the keys, haven't I? I'm allowed to go in.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- For Caroline.- I'm not scared of me wife, shut up.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59HUMMING
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Well, don't turn the light on, she might look out the window.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It sort of defeats the object of snooping if I can't see anything.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Ooh-argh.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Argh.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18They should get an electrician in to see to that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Oh, me neck.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Caroline is always right, why don't you just do what she says?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26HUMMING
0:06:29 > 0:06:31DOOR OPENS
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Hiya, love.- Hiya.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Did you men put the world to rights?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I know last time you decided Beyonce should be Mayor of Manchester.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yeah I'm...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47(GROANING) I can't remember. I'm just... I'm going to go straight up.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Oh, I'm...- Paralytic?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51How do you know?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Ah, no, I'm...yeah, I just...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Goodnight, love.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01HUMMING INTENSIFIES
0:07:01 > 0:07:02SHE SIGHS
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Maybe Ted's keeping a giant bee.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It just, sort of, gradually got worse through the day.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17I was in agony.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21It was not helped by people asking me where I got me chunky necklace.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Do you want me to draw an Adam's apple on so no-one notices?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Signed off work for the rest of the week.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, worth it then?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Did-did you tell Caroline how it happened?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Not as such. - What are you going to tell her?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Well, I thought about it and weighed up all me options
0:07:38 > 0:07:40and I've decided that...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'm going to lie.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yeah, that's smart. I'll back you up.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- Cheers, Kev.- Pleasure. And I want very little in return.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52You're not going to blackmail a man wearing a neck doughnut?
0:07:52 > 0:07:57Dude, it hurts me to do it, but I am going to have to do me teaching here
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- Why?- Well, Dad scares kids - the big face?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04The miserable chops,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06the Dalmatian skin coat.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08No, no, well Caroline hates it
0:08:08 > 0:08:11when I lend the house out to recovering gamblers.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- No offence.- None taken. - So, no, you can't.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- I thought you weren't scared of her. - I'm not.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19If anything, she's scared of me. HE SCOFFS
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Don't tell her I said it. - That's her.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You're not going to shriek and jump into me arms?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, love, what have you done?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Have you broke your neck, Dad? - No, he'd be dead.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Does it hurt sweetheart?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Oh no it's just a bit of whiplash, it's all right.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Look, go and do your homework.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- What happened? - Yeah, what happened?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I, erm, I don't really want to talk about it, you know,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I just keep getting flashbacks of boxes falling and just...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Falling boxes is a major cause of whiplash, isn't it(?)
0:08:58 > 0:09:02No, I drove the forklift truck into a tower of boxes, you know,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04and I sort of stopped suddenly.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07What's the top speed? Five miles an hour?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I think a snail's got more chance of whiplash, don't you?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- Yeah, it does seem weird. - Quick, stop that tortoise.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Oh, no, it's too late, it just hit some boxes.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's amazing how easy it is to hurt someone badly.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31They don't take safety seriously at that place.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Hmm, yeah, you should sue 'em. - Exactly.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36But they were very good to me.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- The-the boss drove me to the hospital.- Cor.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Yeah, in his Lexus.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Yeah, he let me choose the music and everything.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'll bet he did, he knows you can squeeze him dry.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- I'm not doing that.- Why not?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Yeah, why not...boss's man?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Because it would be like blackmail.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- (SCOFFING)- What on earth is wrong with blackmail?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Look, it's just a few days off work, right?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I'll be fine at home cos Kevin will be here doing his teaching.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Yes.- Oh, will he now?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Caroline, just leave me alone, I'm not very well.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Found our first maths moron.- Get in.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- What have you got to do with it? - Head of recruitment.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Vice President of HR Europe when we go global.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- I get 10% of anyone I bring in.- Hmm.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- Right, who's the sucker? - Sammy, aka Mince.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42- Mince, because...? - Because he is thick as mince.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46And the answer is...?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49And it's...?
0:10:50 > 0:10:51And...?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54And the answer...?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Is it 40 to 1?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Hey, top man. So nearly, we're getting closer.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It's actually three to one.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Oi! I was supposed to be lying on that couch watching telly.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Doctor's orders.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Now, Sammy, lots of kids your age say, "What use is maths to me?"
0:11:11 > 0:11:14That's what my brother, Liam, here used to say,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Look at him, he's a warning from history.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I'm not doing history, just maths.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Exactly, wise words. Go on, off you go.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Give me five.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's usually just one whole hand if we...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Well, don't give up your day job, Kev.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Oh, you haven't got one(!) - That doesn't actually make sense
0:11:39 > 0:11:41because when you're trying to negate two...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44# Oh, you're so boring No-one even likes you. #
0:11:50 > 0:11:51I'm being followed.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Quick, quick, Dad, here, quick! Come and hide in this special cupboard we've got for paranoid pensioners.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Snazzy polo neck.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Jim, I've been chasing you since Snappy Snaps,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08didn't you hear me calling?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh, I thought you were special branch.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Why special branch? - Because I'm special.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I thought you couldn't hear because of that daft hat.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, that hat's a disguise, Dad, that's brilliant!
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Me past is catching up with me. I've done terrible things.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Are you Lord Lucan?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30No, of course not!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'm thinking...crimes against fashion?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- I don't want to say. - Well, whatever it is, Dad, we're right behind you.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Pushing you into t'police car.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Thanks for taking my plight seriously.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Well, tell us what you did! - Well...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- You know me old firm just went bust? - It went bust?- Shut up, Kevin.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55There's a big hole in the accounts - fraud.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58And when I was there, I...I did some thieving.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Dad!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02That's terrible, I'm devastated!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03We all are.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Hmm.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08What, just me, then?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11YOU use the towels I bring back from work.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Yeah, well, they're super fluffy.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15BOTH: They are super fluffy, aren't they?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17He's Dad, you know his catchphrase.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"I'm Jim, who the hell are you?"
0:13:19 > 0:13:23No, the other one, "You can't buy a clear conscience."
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Well, I was right, wasn't I? - I always nick from work.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I'm very reward focused, I'll probably nick that telly later.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Well, what was this thieving?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33If I tell you, you'll be an accessory.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Yeah, you're right, don't tell us.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38They're going through the books, they'll find out.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Have you really not got a fiddle at work?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44No, no, I don't believe in all this "something for nothing."
0:13:45 > 0:13:49THAT, that is why I'm not going for compensation on me neck.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Come with me, Jim.- What for?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54We'll find you a better disguise.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What bra size are you?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02HUMMING
0:14:02 > 0:14:05DOOR SLAMS
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Is that the humming from Ted's?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Yeah, I'm beginning to think it isn't a big bee.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Maybe it's someone playing a didgeridoo.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16What? Is that worse than your big-bee theory?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Why doesn't Liam want compensation?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Well he's a deeply moral man at heart.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26You're doing the face.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Yes, I am.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Will you teach me the face?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35How did Liam really hurt himself?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Er, forklift into the boxes and the flashbacks and the...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40and argh...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Like a mad game of Tetris and...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45As far as I know, anyway.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I know you know. That's why he's letting you teach here, isn't it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Yes, all right! Stop pushing me. He did it next door.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55He went in to find out about the hum and he ended up getting
0:14:55 > 0:15:00an electric shock off some dodgy wiring, but don't tell him I said.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02There's so much fear in this house.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I don't want him to know I know.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09He's not going to find out from me. Can I still do me teaching here?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Not ripping anyone off, are you?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Don't do the face.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Just pull your finger out, you useless, lazy bag of bones.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Second - that's rubbish, innit?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I hate horse racing.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32And the winner is a horse, followed by another horse,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35followed by a few more horses - brilliant.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38What's the answer, Sammy?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Well, you times it by 11.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44So it's £412.67.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Eh? No, hang on. How did you work that out? Give it here.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Oh, Sammy, I've actually taught you something.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Brilliant, you got it right. Hey-hey!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Oi, oi, Mr Chips - his hour's up!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- I want to change the channel. - Thanks, Kev.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02It's Professor Flynn to you, and you're welcome, son.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Job satisfaction, it's the little things, innit?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- Good for you, Kev. - He left his lunch box.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Now, don't be angry.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12No, Caroline, that's never a good start.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14It's usually followed by, "I'm pregnant."
0:16:14 > 0:16:16This is Terry,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19he's a solicitor specialising in personal-injury cases.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- Caroline!- I was very moved when I heard your story, moved and angry,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26really boiling angry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Well, I'm tempted to say you should get out more.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- How can they do this to you? - It's just a sore neck.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35If you let them get away with that, what will happen next time?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37You could lose a leg.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Or an arm and a leg, that's my personal nightmare, that.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Caroline would be happy - she'd have more room down the middle of the bed, she's always complaining.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47It's time to man up, Brian.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It's Liam.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It's time to man up, Liam.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You know what? Yes, it is, yeah. There's the door.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Hey, what?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I'd rather deal with this on my own, thank you very much. Get out.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Liam, what are you doing? - You heard, sling it! Get out.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Hey, don't come running to me when you lose a leg.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Get out. Listen, mind the step, I can't afford to be sued.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11DOOR SLAMS
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Caroline, we're not going for compensation.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Pay the mortgage with your principles, shall we?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Well, in the words of me dad, before he became a criminal.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"I'm Jim, who the hell are you?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26No, no, the other one about a clear conscience.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30What aren't you telling me, Liam? Last chance.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Nothing, I...
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I'm not very well.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Thanks for the back up(!)
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- All right?- All right.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53You all right, tealeaf?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I've got nothing to apologise for.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Overall, I'm as honest as the day is long.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Yeah, I'm thinking December 21st, Lapland.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'm kidding, Dad, you'll be all right, you'll be fine.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I'm no better. I've been less than honest to Caroline recently.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Hmm.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I always regret that your mother went to her grave not knowing.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20How much you loved her?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23God, I knew there was something else.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Dad!
0:18:27 > 0:18:31No, that I'd swapped her wedding dress
0:18:31 > 0:18:33for a ticket to watch City at the 1981 cup final.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- That gnawed away inside me. - Good.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- So we both know confession's good for the soul.- OK.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I topped up me car with diesel at work.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Only a little bit.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Is that it?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50How much?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I don't know, 20 quid.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55That's only two fluffy towels(!)
0:18:55 > 0:18:58They sound really fluffy, these towels.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01They are, don't get me started.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04But, er...
0:19:04 > 0:19:05I did top up a few times.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Well, you know, that bumps it up a bit.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Maybe 100. - You greedy git.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Well, you must feel better telling someone.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yeah, I'm walking on air(!)
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Puts your fib to Caroline into perspective, though, doesn't it?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Caroline, look I-I went next door, right.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36That's how I hurt me neck. I lied to you, I'm sorry.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Caroline, Caroline.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I went next door and that's how I hurt me neck.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I lied to you and I'm sorry.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Oh, hi, love. Sorry, were you saying something?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I am going to take you out for dinner
0:19:57 > 0:19:59when this comes off, cos you've been amazing.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Oh, you are a love.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Aw.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15DOOR BANGS
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Are you all right, Jim? - No, I'm not all right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Let's face it, I'm going to prison.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Which would be OK if I wasn't so pretty.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32To be fair, I wouldn't worry about that, Jim.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35It's always been one of me fears
0:20:35 > 0:20:38that I'll end up with a police record.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Which one, Roxanne or Message In A Bottle?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Caroline, stop it, come on, it's serious.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Is it Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Sorry, I couldn't help it.- Shut up and help me get out of this.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Dad, Dad, Dad, just relax.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Why don't you go and lay low with Caroline's mum and dad in Spain?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58I'd rather go to prison.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02RINGTONE MUSIC: "Funeral March" by Chopin
0:21:04 > 0:21:05PHONE BEEPS OFF
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Dad, just relax.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Here you are, I'll tell you, Steve needs a sports jockstrap,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- will you take him and buy him one for us?- Yeah, all right.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16- Thanks, Jim.- Cheers, Dad.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22What exactly is a jock strap? I don't think I've ever seen one.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It's just a strap to help keep your hat on.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Do you Flynns have a problem with telling the truth?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32All right, it's a cloth, or leather, testicle shield.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Thank you.- You're welcome.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Hey, let's ring that number Dad's so paranoid about.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I hate to see him all quiet and insecure like this.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43What are you going to say?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I don't know, I'll think of something.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53("JAMAICAN" ACCENT) Hello, hello there! Wa'gwan?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Is that the accountant for Forbes Scrap Metal Processing?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01BOTH MOUTH
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Yah, rastafari.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Um, yeah I'm just worried about something bad
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I did at the company many moons ago.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Aye, all right.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Ring the Police? Nah, man, that's me gone now.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Later, sweetness.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Maybe I should plan things more before I....
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yeah, there's a thought.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Er, me dad, he says, "It's a mug's game" and I can't come any more.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Maths is a mug's game? Come on, you. Tell that to Archimedes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Archie who?- Medes - maths genius.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Toga, long beard, bits of kebab in it?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Integral calculus, the quadrature of the parabola?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Well, I can't make it any simpler than that.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Maths is OK, Dad says, "Gambling's a mug's game."
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Well, he clearly never won anything.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09What's gambling got to do with these lessons?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Well, that's all he's teaching me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:17Probability, percentages, odds, how to lay on a yankee.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18What the hell's that?
0:23:18 > 0:23:23A bet on four selections that covers six doubles, four trebles and one four-fold, two-win minimum.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29It's so exciting watching young minds blossom and grow, isn't it?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32That said, you owe me for two lessons. Where's me 30 quid?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Well, I had your 30 quid but I put a bet on the 4.15 at Uttoxeter.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41What is that, is that a racecourse? Cos I'm not into gambling.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Yes, you are.- Yes, you are.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- (MUTTERING)- Yes, I am, yeah.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48So, if Jolly Jeff comes in,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I've got your 30 quid and another 50.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56All right, let's look... Let's see this system up and running.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- It says he came last. - Well, that can't be right.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Well, it says he came last and he got disqualified.- Oh.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05And then he got shot.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09See, I told you, "Gambling's a mug's game."
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Hiya.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Ooh.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Sometimes it's good to be a girl.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Feeling a bit more relaxed now, Dad?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, no someone's stolen me phone, the net's closing in.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Here, you left it on the table.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Oh, there's CCTV cameras everywhere out there,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37the world's turning into a giant goldfish bowl
0:24:37 > 0:24:41and I'm the goldfish... with a bit longer memory.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Right, that's it. Give it here. - What?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Here. Speak to this accountant woman, find out what's going on.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Give it back.- Dad, Dad. - Give it...- Dad, stop.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Here, just say words.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53HE SNORTS
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Calm down, you sound like a heavy breather.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58That's all you need, a dirty phone call charge(!)
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Yes. Shh-shh.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Hello.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yeah, this is Jim Flynn.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- I'm not saying anything until my legal team arrive.- Dad!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13'Jim, it's Daphne, how are you? You sound tense.'
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Ooh scary, vicious.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Yeah. Hi, Daphne.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Yeah, it's the, erm, firm going belly up, it's unnerved me.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26'I know I was trying to get hold of you
0:25:26 > 0:25:29'to tell you how to claim your outstanding staff bonus.'
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Mum, what's this for?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Not now, Mikey.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Yeah, thanks, I'll do that then.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42'No, it's too late now, I'm afraid. The firm's in administration,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45'the creditors get any money that's going.'
0:25:45 > 0:25:46How much is he missing out on?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- Cos he nicked about a grand's worth of diesel.- Shhh!
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Yeah, well, thanks for the thought, Daphne.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58'OK, Jim, take care, love. Bye.'
0:25:58 > 0:26:04Ooh, it would be ironic if you missed out on £1,000.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06The same amount you stole.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Yeah, thanks.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Guilt! It's overrated!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Caroline, right. DOORBELL RINGS
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Is anyone getting that?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- (CHLOE) No, Steve's sitting on my head.- Oh.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It's not meant to be.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I've come for me keys.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Here you are, how's your auntie?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35She got better. What can you do?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I let the electrician in.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Yes, he did all sorts of jobs I never asked him to,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42charged me like a wounded bull.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- I asked him to do them.- Why?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I used your keys to get in your house.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50You've got a sunbed you can see from space.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53More importantly, you could hear it in our house.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oh, I do love a tan.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Why look like a meringue when you can look like rich, golden toast?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Yeah.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Who was that? - Ted, come for his keys.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- I suppose you give them to him. - Yeah, of course.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Well, I guess we'll never find out what that humming is now.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Can you hear it?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16No.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17I have a hunch it's been fixed.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Maybe that's why he's getting the electrician round.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22What, no, no, that was for....
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Maybe, probably, I think it was as well.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27What did you think the electrician was doing?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I don't know.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Dodgy light switch?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35You knew?!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I seem to remember you were going to take me out for dinner.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39No.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41What?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44(MIMICS) "Do you have a problem telling the truth?"
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- What do you mean? - I could hear you in the hall.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50You went next door despite giving me the face.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I didn't say I couldn't go in.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- Well, what other secrets have you got?- None.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58None? Well, what about your barman friend at the hotel
0:27:58 > 0:28:00who does a good impression of a solicitor?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Ahh.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Ahh.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Shall we go upstairs and discuss this?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I thought you weren't feeling very well.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I'm starting to feel better.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Come here.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Ah-ya!
0:28:16 > 0:28:17No necking.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22# I know it's gonna be all right
0:28:26 > 0:28:30# For ever I'll be by your side
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# For everyone you love
0:28:36 > 0:28:40# For everyone you feel
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# I'm never giving up
0:28:43 > 0:28:45# Until the dream is real. #
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd