0:00:13 > 0:00:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Hello, you, and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where, each week,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30we chew over a group of people united by one simple thing - their name.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Joining me are six people who've brought
0:00:32 > 0:00:34some of the loveliest names I've ever heard.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Please welcome, Jennifer Saunders, Suzannah Lipscomb
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe, and over on the other side,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Romesh Ranganathan, Jessica Hynes and their captain, Richard Osman.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Well, tonight's name is one that's on everyone lips.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54It's the name of our future queen, the name of the biggest pop star
0:00:54 > 0:00:57in the world and it almost sounds like cake.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Mmm! Cake.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Tonight's name is Kate.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Ahhh!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06So I'm going to be testing the panellists' knowledge
0:01:06 > 0:01:08of all things Kate and, just to be clear,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11we are going to include Catherines, Katies and even the odd Cat,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13so who might be coming up on tonight's show?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Well, we've got models, actresses, princesses,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21a complete Burke and a massive arse.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25The teams have to try and win as many Kates as they can.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27At the end of the show, the winning team gets the honour
0:01:27 > 0:01:30of deciding who's officially the best Kate of all time.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32So, Jennifer, do you know any Kates?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Well, do you know, I thought I didn't,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38but I looked at my phone on the way here and realised I knew about,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42actually, everybody on the screen then, apart from Katie Hopkins.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- That's a very important "but" there. - I don't really know Kate Middleton,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48that's the only one I'm pretending to know.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50So she's not on your phone?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- She is, but she... - She's on your phone?!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Of course she's not on my phone, you fool!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's weird, cos I don't know any of them,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01but I am very good friends with Katie Hopkins.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06- I can see how you'd bowl along rather merrily, the two of you.- Oh, we are.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Thinking about just doing a double act.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Coffee And Cream.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Which one are you?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Now, Suzannah, you're our guest historian. As our guest historian,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23are there any weird and wonderful Kates we should know about before we commence?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I've got a story, but it's probably really interesting to somebody who's
0:02:26 > 0:02:28really interested in the 16th century, so just bear with me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Oh, I am!- Oh, yes!
0:02:30 > 0:02:35- Miss, I am, Miss! I am.- Now we're talking. Settle in, everybody.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Really exciting! We've got geeks everywhere, it's great.- Right. OK.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Give us your 16th century.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's Catherine Parr, Henry VIII's sixth wife and it's my favourite
0:02:43 > 0:02:46of his wives, because she was going to be the third wife
0:02:46 > 0:02:49to be on the block, there was a coup against her, guards turned up.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The way she got out of it was she very cleverly explained to Henry
0:02:52 > 0:02:55that he was the husband and lord, he knew everything,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and the speech that she gave pretty much is a source
0:02:57 > 0:02:59for Shakespeare's Taming Of The Shrew.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02At the end of Taming Of The Shrew, Katherina, the Kiss Me Kate,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05gives this speech where she says to her husband, "You're brilliant
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"and I bow to everything," and that seems to be
0:03:07 > 0:03:10coming from actual fact, that Catherine Parr said that.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- So Shakespeare nicked it, essentially?- Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Shakespeare was good at that.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I've always thought that guy was a fake. Overrated.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Josh, Richard, in terms of greatest Kates of all time,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21any early thoughts?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I'm hoping she comes up -
0:03:23 > 0:03:25my sister, Kate.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Sweet.- Yeah. Thank you.- Just your sister doesn't qualify here.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- I'm sorry, Josh.- What? Really?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'll go with Kate Bush, then.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Richard, how about you? - Kate Humble from Autumnwatch.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38No, she's a proper Kate.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Kate Humble is everything a Kate should be.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46She looks like a Kate, she's sweet, she's clever, she's efficient.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- Lovely curly hair.- Do you think Kate Humble as well, Jennifer?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- She does as well.- JOSH:- No, you're on my team! Go with my sister!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- RICHARD:- Don't say, "Go with my sister."
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I know you're from Devon, mate.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Let's get on with the show.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59It's time to pick a Kate.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Four categories each concealing four very different Kates.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Richard, who would you like out of this lot? You've got a Royal Kate...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- What do we think?- Go with your instinct.- Go on, Richard.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Shall we go Super Kate?- OK, fine. - Great. Why not?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16OK. You have picked Super Kate
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and chosen fast-living supermodel Kate Moss.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Yes!- Let's have a look at her stats.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- AUDIENCE GROANS - Whoa!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I said that would get that reaction.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Whoa, Sue! That's not cool, man.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Surely the most successful British model of all time,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43appearing on the cover of Vogue over 300 times, beating me by...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45over 300 times.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47What is the secret of Kate Moss's beauty regime?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Is it those two cucumbers? You know, those two cucumbers?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Not the two cucumbers. - We've moved on, we've moved on.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57We've moved on from Jackie magazine in the '70s.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Do you not do the two cucumbers?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Josh, it's two courgettes now.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03And some kale.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Some quinoa down the nose.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09She was having an ice water facial,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12which is basically sticking your head in a bucket of ice water.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16As far as Kate Moss is concerned, Guantanamo's just a spa.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18There are lots of stories attached to Kate's partying.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Moss's friend, Jess Hallett, recounted,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"One night in South Africa, I remember phoning downstairs
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"and saying, 'Can we have an alarm call for 7am, please?'
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"And they said, 'That's in five minutes, madam.' "
0:05:30 > 0:05:32When she was dating Johnny Depp,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36they ordered their hotel room bath to be filled with champagne.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37What happened to it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41They immediately thought this actually sounded better than it is.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Do you think, if you bathed in it, you'd get drunk by just kind of absorbing it?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46They didn't get into the bath.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Maybe accidentally it got emptied by somebody who was cleaning the room.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Oh, the chambermaid. - The maid drained the bath.- Amazing.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56That maid, what emotional rollercoaster did she go through?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Because if she's emptied it, she obviously doesn't know
0:05:59 > 0:06:02it's champagne, so what did she think it was?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06You said that she thought they filled the bath with their own fizzy urine?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- An entire bath?- These two have had one hell of a night.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13They've filled their bath with their own urine,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'm just going to pull the plug and hope they forget about it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18That's what a good maid does.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21If I'd got a bath full of champagne,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I'd at least put the "Do Not Disturb" thing outside, wouldn't you?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Yes.- You're not Kate Moss and Johnny Depp, though, really
0:06:27 > 0:06:30and mentally thinking there, are you? They're just rock and roll.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32They're not going to go, "Oh, quickly,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36"because of the champagne bath, Joshie, run back and put
0:06:36 > 0:06:39" 'Do Not Disturb' on the door, darling, will you?"
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Can I just double-check that the champagne bath has been arranged for
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- when I've finished the recording? - Absolutely!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Between 2005 and 2007,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Kate was in a relationship with Libertines singer Pete Doherty.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51What were Kate and Pete stopped from doing at London Zoo?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, no!
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Not that!- They didn't fill a rhino with champagne, did they?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Were they trying to make some animal smoke?- That is absolutely...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Well, I'll give you that. - Were they giving monkeys blowbacks?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04No...
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Sorry, what do you mean by blowbacks?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Never has the last syllable of a sentence been so important.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18They weren't trying to give monkeys blowbacks, no,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21but what they were doing, were trying to get the penguins high
0:07:21 > 0:07:24by flicking hash into the enclosure.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- The penguins?- No, the penguins weren't flicking it at Kate Moss.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31It would be quite hard with no opposable thumbs.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33The sad story is that's how Pete Doherty got into it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36He was totally clean and then the penguins got him into it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- It was a gateway drug. - "Hey, Pete, take some of this."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"Pete, have some of that."
0:07:41 > 0:07:43They don't call me Happy Feet for nothing.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- Right, it's time to play for the Kate. Here she is.- Come on, guys.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00What's unusual about the Lucian Freud artwork that Kate Moss owns?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02She's pregnant...in it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- No, she's not pregnant in it. - It's a tattoo!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08It's a tattoo. Well done, absolutely right. It is a tattoo.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Congratulations.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12The tattoo was personally inked by Lucian Freud, said to be worth
0:08:12 > 0:08:15one million quid.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18There you go. It's a pair of swallows. Chop it off?!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21If I had a tattoo that was worth a million quid,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I'd chop that off straight away.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- You'd chop it off your own back?! - Yeah! You could sow that up.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28A million quid.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Well done, Josh. You win the Kate. Congratulations!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34APPLAUSE
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Well done.- There you are.- Now, Josh, what would you like to go for?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I think we should go Royal Kate, because we've got a historian,
0:08:42 > 0:08:43the Great Kate?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45You don't need to whisper
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- because it's not University Challenge.- Oh, OK!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I'm very good at University challenge!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I think people have worked out it's not University Challenge.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- We've got to go Great Kate. We got to go Great Kate.- Great Kate.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01You've chosen Russia's second greatest love machine
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Empress Catherine the Great.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There she is, just about to shout, "Expelliarmus!"
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Let's have a look at her stats.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Oh, well. None out of three ain't bad.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23So, Suzannah, is she the greatest Russian ruler ever, do you think?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26There's lots of them called the Great, that's kind of common.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- There are some better names. - Like what?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Well, I quite like Yuri the Long Arms, Dmitri the...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Dmitri... Dmitri's name I've forgotten. Dmitri...
0:09:35 > 0:09:37It's probably not one of the best ones.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Dmitri the Forgettable, I think.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43See, that's it!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Catherine the Great was Empress of Russia from 1762 until 1796.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50She holds the record at Russia's longest ruling female leader.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52She had a number of palaces, Catherine.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54The Winter Palace, St Petersburg, was the largest,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56thought to have had over 1,000 rooms.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59What was unusual about the roof of the palace?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Thatch.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Which palace was it? - This was the Winter Palace.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I've been there, I've been there.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07The one outside St Petersburg. I've been there.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Do you remember the roof? - I don't remember the roof.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I wasn't on the roof.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You said that very quickly, as if you were definitely on the roof!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Was it the style of it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's not the style, it was something that was on it.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Jennifer Saunders!- No.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The answer is she kept cows on it. They wanted a fresh supply of milk.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Surely 1,000 rooms, Suzannah, has got to be
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- one of the biggest royal palaces of all time?- It's pretty big.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Although there's actually one in China that's got 9,000 rooms.- Whoa!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33So the Winter Palace is tiny by comparison.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36When you've got 9,000 rooms, which ones would you double up on first?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I reckon three toilets, max.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'd go all toilets, except for one room.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46But what an exciting day when someone came out and you said,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"I'm in the sitting room, find me!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Catherine was believed to have had some rather unusual furniture
0:10:53 > 0:10:56in Gatchina Palace. What was unusual about the furniture?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Was it blow-up?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Did she have the first futon?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- It was erotic in nature. - Did she have what we would call...?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04She had a special chair!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06There were several special chairs, yes.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Special as in a VERY special chair. - Well,- I- think they're pretty special.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12There are some extraordinary pictures of the furniture.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Here's a lovely table, for example. There it is.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- JOSH:- Wow! - JENNIFER:- Oh, my goodness.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20I mean, that WOULD be a talking point.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23If I went round to Richard's house, and that was in the sitting-room...
0:11:23 > 0:11:26This would have made the most entertaining episode
0:11:26 > 0:11:28of Antiques Roadshow ever, by the way.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32What do you think she might have referred to that table as?
0:11:32 > 0:11:33"We're going to have tea on the..."?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"Cockee table."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- You've got cockee table books. - Cocky, balls and booby table.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I've got a lovely chair for you, as well, while we're at it.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Take a closer look at that. Oh!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- JESSICA:- Hello!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48As David Dickinson would say, "A real bobby dazzler."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53That's amazing!
0:11:53 > 0:11:54You inspired to get any of these pieces
0:11:54 > 0:11:57to brighten up your bedsit, Josh? What do you reckon?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58What do you mean by my "bedsit"?!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Well, I've got certain images that come to mind
0:12:01 > 0:12:03when I think of you at home. You know, bar fire...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I don't want to hear about your personal life, Sue.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- If that chair was available, I would get it.- Would you sit on it?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I don't know what I'm meant to say about the chair.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- You've gone very high-pitched. - I know!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I'm not going to lie to you, I can't wait
0:12:16 > 0:12:18until I'm back at my bedsit, on my own.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Just the bedsit - that's your only piece of furniture.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Yes!- Does that still exist, that chair?- Sadly, sadly not.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29The contents sort of disappeared after it was looted by the Nazis
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- in the 1940s. - But copies can be made, Josh.- Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Imagine... Imagine if you made that from IKEA and you went,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"I've definitely got this wrong. That can't be right."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42So what did Catherine prescribe as a cure for insomnia?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Half an hour on that chair, you'd be out like a light.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46It's along those lines.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Having sex six times a day, she thought,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50was a great cure for insomnia.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You know what? Even if it's not, it's worth a go.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Catherine had an active sex life, with a number of lovers.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Not that you'd guess from this portrait.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03That...is the worst bedhead I have ever seen.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You know when you're on a rollercoaster
0:13:05 > 0:13:07and the photo gets taken
0:13:07 > 0:13:09and you're, like, going along and your hair's out?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Is that a normal sort of portrait of the era, Suzannah?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Yeah, this is the thing.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Don't believe anything the scientists say
0:13:15 > 0:13:17about there being scientific ideas of judging beauty.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21It clearly is determined by when you live in history, what turns you on.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23They thought this was REALLY hot.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25If I get a time machine,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26where should I head to?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Middle Earth.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33APPLAUSE
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Time to play for the Kate.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Catherine the Great loved all kinds of fun.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46What new form of entertainment did she install
0:13:46 > 0:13:48in one of her St Petersburg palaces?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Bowling.- Oh, laser quest!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Tennis.- It's snowy.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Skiing! Luge.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yes, I'm going to give you that. It was an ice slide.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58She had it installed in the grounds of her palaces.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Made out of wood, up to 70 feet in height, 500 feet long,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05the slides were iced and then thrill-seekers would sit
0:14:05 > 0:14:07on a block of ice covered in a mat,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and travel at speeds in excess of 50mph.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11No brakes,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14just 100% shit yourself.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Oh, that's where that photo of her was taken.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Sorry, can I just say I know that wasn't a photo,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22before people tweet in?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Completely separately, has anyone ever been on...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You know, like, in a water park, you know, where the slide
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- goes down vertically? - Yes.- Yeah, man.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31- I can't do that.- Why?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Because it's...! How can you...? How does anyone do that?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- It's just gravity. Just takes you. - Oh!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Catherine.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- RICHARD:- Oh, well done.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:51So this one's for both teams to play. Richard, who would you like?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- We'll go for Royal Kate, please. - Royal Kate.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And you've chosen right royal Catherine Elizabeth Middleton,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Duchess of Cambridge,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and Princess of Middle-class Aspiration.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Let's have a look at her stats.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Kate went to St Andrew's Prep School in Berkshire. What record...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19What school record does she hold?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Best Marryer?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- No, it's a sporting achievement. - Discus.- No.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Shot. Hammer. - Not the long jump, the...?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- High jump. - Is the right answer, Jennifer.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29- Absolutely right.- Thank you so much.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31She almost lost the high jump record last summer
0:15:31 > 0:15:34but, luckily, Royal protection guards were there
0:15:34 > 0:15:36and able to gun down the rival...
0:15:36 > 0:15:37at the very last minute.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Does anyone here have a school record for anything?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44We all got awards, my school year, for what you were best at.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46But I wasn't good enough at anything.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48So they just gave me the Good Egg Award.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51For just being an all-round good egg.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55For that, I'm going to give you a bonus. Kat Slater from EastEnders.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- That's the most patronising award I've ever seen.- Kat Slater!
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Pure sympathy. APPLAUSE
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Pure sympathy.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Kate married William in April 2011.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Did any of you celebrate the royal wedding? Did any of you do anything?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- No, I was in Birmingham. - You were probably 12.- Not as...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"I was probably 12"?!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14In 2011?!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15- 13?- 14?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- What were you doing in Birmingham? - I was doing...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19A project? A school project?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yeah, I was walking around Spaghetti Junction with a clipboard,
0:16:24 > 0:16:25ticking things off.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- AS JOSH:- "I'm just noting down what each building is used for
0:16:28 > 0:16:30"for my geography coursework."
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- VAGUELY LIKE JOSH:- "Retail."
0:16:32 > 0:16:35HE can do the voice - THAT is not good enough, come on!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- "Retail...
0:16:38 > 0:16:39"Warehousing."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Now, a royal wedding serves two main purposes.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Firstly to ensure the orderly succession of the throne.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And secondly to allow a small amount of tasteful commemorative items
0:16:50 > 0:16:51to make their way to the shops.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55How did General Electric mark the occasion?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57A 21-bulb salute.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00A fridge. They did a special fridge.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- They absolutely did. Here it is.- Oh! - No way.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04- JENNIFER:- Oh! - AUDIENCE GASPS
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- JOSH:- I tell you what, though,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09it really does bring my bedsit alive, that fridge.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I wonder how her and William sort of communicate to each other
0:17:13 > 0:17:14that they're stepping out of line.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17When I'm at home with my wife and I say something like,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"While you're in the kitchen, can you make me a cup of tea?"
0:17:19 > 0:17:23She'll go, "Oh, of course, Your Majesty(!)"
0:17:26 > 0:17:29If they do that to each other, they say, "Yeah, OK. Sweet."
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Let me share a few of my royal wedding souvenir favourites with you.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Like these royal wedding teabags.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- JOSH:- Wow.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- JENNIFER:- Oh, that's horrible, actually, isn't it,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41when you look at it? What are they bathing in?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Yeah, that is disgusting. Who goes two teabags?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45That's going to be too strong! Absolute idiots!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And the worst thing is,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49the maid came along and actually tipped it out.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Next up, royal wedding condoms.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56There they are. Not sure what the tag line is.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Presumably, "Someday, my prince will come."
0:18:00 > 0:18:03There was also this commemorative mug from China.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05See if you can spot the mistake.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Time now to play for Upper Kate.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Kate's family recently created their very own Middleton coat of arms.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19What I want to know is, what is on it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Josh and Richard, if you look under your desk, you'll find
0:18:22 > 0:18:24you've got a blank shield and some coloured pens.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Give us your best guess as to what is on the heraldic shield.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30We've got appropriate music, and the time starts now.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32MUSIC: Rule, Britannia! By James Thomson
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Do you know this? What is it?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39That's it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43- SUZANNAH:- I actually know it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50SUE WHISTLES ALONG TO THE MUSIC
0:18:50 > 0:18:53OK, time is up!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Right, Richard, please show us your heraldic shield!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- That's not a euphemism. - Here's what we've got.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02We've got a penguin smoking a spliff there, from Jess.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- What are these? - They're oars.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- We have oars to represent... - Just to represent oars, really.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- We have, from Romesh... - Somebody wearing a crown.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Royal, for Royal.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And money.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I'm going to take my eyes from that with good reason
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- and let's have a look. - We've got two options.- Yeah.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Jennifer has drawn a coat and some arms.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Would you like to explain this one?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Basically, when they wanted to create one,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35they had to think of things that the Middletons were interested in.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Apparently they're interested in hills...- Hills?
0:19:38 > 0:19:39And outdoor pursuits.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Three acorns, that's the three children.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Red and blue.- Red and blue because they live in England.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- UK.- They support Crystal Palace.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, let's have a look at the real one, see how close you got.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51No surprise to see that yours... CHEERING
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Very good.- Well done!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56The golden chevron, of course,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59to represent the family's love of gold and digging. And...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:04..two white chevrons, there, as you say the hills and mountains,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07their love of outdoor pursuits.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Basically, Josh's team win the Kate.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Good work!- So...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Time now for our teams to confront the Insert Name Here fruit machine.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's loaded with all my favourite Kates
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and our teams must match the extraordinary fact
0:20:22 > 0:20:25to the extraordinary Kate. So let's spin.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29OK, you've got Tom Cruise escapee Katie Holmes,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33wildlife enthusiast - true Kate - Kate Humble,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36and professional contrarian Katie Hopkins.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Yes!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Which Kate has a pathological fear of hard-boiled eggs?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- Katie thingy... Kate... - That's not narrowing it down.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- That's a point. - Kate, the ex-Tom Cruise Kate.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I think I'm definitely sure it's her.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I just have a sixth sense about it.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56So we're building the jeopardy, here.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59So we know for a fact that it is Katie Holmes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- JOSH:- So let's come to us for our answer. I'm going to go with...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's not Kate Humble, she's the perfect Kate, so...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Yeah, she's not going to be... - She'd have to eat eggs for her job.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09She has to eat eggs for her job! That's what she does.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I've watched Springwatch,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14she goes up trees, goes into the nests with a frying pan...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- JOSH:- That's how she identifies the breed of the bird.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Starling, I think!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Well, unless she doesn't like to see them boiled.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Oh, yeah.- It's only hard-boiled eggs.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28At what point during the boiling process does she start freaking out?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- I would say six minutes. - That is Hopkins at 5.59.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32She's weird, she's weird.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- We'll go Hopkins.- It is actually...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Kate Humble!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Yeah, Kate Humble, quintessential Kate,
0:21:40 > 0:21:41loves an omelette but states,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"I have a pathological fear of hard-boiled eggs."
0:21:49 > 0:21:51It's right up there, apparently,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54with her pathological fear of Bill Oddie.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Nobody wins the Kate there, let's spin again.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01OK, you've got Henry VIII's wife number one, Catherine of Aragon,
0:22:01 > 0:22:06the best singer in the world, absolutely ever, Kate Bush,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10and head of the mighty Kardashian clan Caitlin Jenner.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Which of these Kates owned a pet monkey?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Josh's team.- I do know this! - Oh, you do?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Let's talk it through first.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19So, Kate Bush, what is it, had a pet...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Maybe Kate Bush had a pet monkey as well.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You're saying as well, which means you know,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27you know that Catherine of Aragon had a pet monkey.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28- Yeah.- Yes, well, there we go.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I was going to talk it through for dramatic effect,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- but we've decided against that. - Why do that?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Why have jokes when you can just have statements?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Can I just say, I have a sixth sense
0:22:40 > 0:22:42that it's Catherine of Aragon.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- RICHARD:- I know Suzannah thinks it's Catherine of Aragon,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46but I have news for her - monkeys didn't exist.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- They were invented in... - The 1950s.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Yeah, the 1950s, by Coca-Cola.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Everybody knows that!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Kate Bush seems like she would have a monkey, right?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Are you tending towards Kate Bush?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02As always in life, Kate Bush is usually the answer.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04But I don't want to... It's not a pet monkey, though,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06it's a monkey that can come and go as it pleases.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Yes, exactly. - So you're saying Kate Bush.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09We're going to go with...
0:23:09 > 0:23:12With the right answer, with Catherine of Aragon.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15And in many ways you were right to go with the right answer,
0:23:15 > 0:23:16because it's the right answer!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24We have evidence that monkeys were invented before 1950
0:23:24 > 0:23:26by the Coca-Cola Company, and there it is.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28She certainly looks enraptured by her pet(!)
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- ROMESH:- Right, that looks like the monkey
0:23:30 > 0:23:32is a lot more into the relationship than she is.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Actually, this picture is really cool
0:23:35 > 0:23:38because it actually has a message behind it as well,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41because what the monkey is supposed to be reaching for,
0:23:41 > 0:23:42you can't see it,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44is actually not her breast but her crucifix.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And she's holding a coin in her hand.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Normally the monkey would go for the coin,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51and he's going for the crucifix. So it's church over money.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53But also it's church over...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55guess who's on the other side of the coin...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Henry VIII!- Henry VIII! - Political monkey!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00And so, basically, this picture is a massive sort of middle finger up.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- This is like 3-2-1, isn't it? - Loving that!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And you win the Kate, congratulations.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Good fact!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Strong fact.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15OK, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I'll start by reading out a Kate-based nugget.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24First up, European heavyweight Catherine I of Russia.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Yes, Richard? - To close her Tinder account.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Nope. - Did he do...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39You know that thing where if your parents catch you with a cigarette
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and then they make you smoke the whole pack?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Did he make her sleep with all of the Russians...- All of Russia?!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47..so that she was like put off them forever?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50No, she did have to sleep beside something.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Did he make her sleep on the roof beside the cows?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- No, this is Catherine I of Russia. - Same thing, Sue.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03No, forced her to sleep beside...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Happy days!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Peter the Great had his wife's lover killed
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and his head chopped off and placed in a large jar of alcohol.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Peter insisted that the jar remain on Catherine's bedside table
0:25:15 > 0:25:18as a reminder of her adultery.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Even worse, if you just reach for that sip of water in the night...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It wasn't in the alcohol for long, though,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26because the housekeeper came and poured it away.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Sadly, no Kate won there. We go onto the next one.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Next, Oscar-winning Aussie Cate Blanchett.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Did he say that,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"Well, you know, me and the Queen, we're together,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"but it's a kind of open relationship"?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47He asked her how to fix something.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- RICHARD:- Oh, the 1998 Cup final!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Think electrical item.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Yeah?- Toaster!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Oh, no.- Was it his Kate and William fridge?
0:25:57 > 0:26:02No, he asked her how to fix his DVD player.
0:26:02 > 0:26:042008, Kate was introduced to Prince Philip
0:26:04 > 0:26:06as someone who worked in film.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:09He asked her,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"There's a cord sticking out the back of my DVD player,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"might you tell me where it goes?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Nice, however, to see Philip being muddled rather than racist, though.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Sadly nobody wins the Kate, but one more from Cate Blanchett.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Cate Blanchett named her third child...
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- Romesh?- With very little care, because you don't care by the third.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35She named her third child Ignatius.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37There you go, what did I tell you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Where did she get the name from? - I think I know the answer to that.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41I know it's boring.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I imagine it's from Confederacy Of Dunces, is it, the book?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44It's from the children's book
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51..which I'm sure you have on your bookshelf!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I read all of the Captain Underpants books
0:26:53 > 0:26:54with my kids when they were little.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Did you?- Yeah, they're a perfectly good read.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I don't remember Ignatius.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I wish I did, I would've just won a Kate
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and my kids would've paid off, finally.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05You should never, ever choose names from kids' books,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07as I was saying to my niece,
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Usborne Book Of Train Facts.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12So, we've come to the end of the show
0:27:12 > 0:27:15and I can tell you that our winners tonight with the most Kates
0:27:15 > 0:27:18are...Josh's team! Congratulations.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19CHEERING
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Whoa, came back there! Good work.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Josh, this is the moment...
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- This is your moment. - Oh, look how happy Jennifer looks.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- You're delighted!- I'm so delighted.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- JOSH:- So, do we now pick the best Kate?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34You get to pick the best Kate of all time.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36It's simple after this.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41Ice slide, cows on the roof, racy furniture.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44That only means one thing - Catherine the Great.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Ladies, if you're watching, that's how to please a Widdicombe!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I will absolutely accept that the greatest Kate of all time
0:27:51 > 0:27:54is Catherine the Great. Well done, Catherine the Great.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I sort of feel she had enough plaudits already, but there you go.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04So, for our winner, I'm going to give you this -
0:28:04 > 0:28:08these limited-edition royal wedding crown jewel condoms,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- one for each of you. There you go.- Oh, thank you.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Don't put them on your head! My thanks to all my guests.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19Special thanks to all the Kates here, there and everywhere.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I know the bedsit they're going to!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24And thanks to you at home for watching. Goodnight.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE