0:00:16 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello and welcome to Insert Name Here,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30the show where we discover surprising things about a
0:00:30 > 0:00:33group of people with just one thing in common - the same first name.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Joining me are six of my favourite people,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37each with their very own unique moniker.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Please welcome Ruth Goodman, Jon Richardson
0:00:39 > 0:00:41and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and over on the other side, Holly Walsh, Adil Ray
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and their captain Richard Osman.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Talking of names, Jon, what happened to the H?
0:00:56 > 0:01:01Yeah, er, it was my choice, aged zero. I just said, get rid of that.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Superfluous.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I don't know, it's led to some, er, tedious conversations,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- of which this is one.- Yeah.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It's a shame cos I was hoping this would form
0:01:11 > 0:01:14the whole of the first round.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Is Jon not short for Jonathan?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- FORCED LAUGHING:- No, well, a lot of people think that, Holly!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23That's the craziest thing, is that it isn't.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Holly, you have just added a new addition to the family.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Yeah, I just had a baby. - A little boy?- Yeah.- What's his name?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31He's called Arthur.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I had to name someone, that's a difficult thing to do.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Big choice.- It's really hard cos there are a lot of names.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- He's just got rid of his H, he's now Artur.- Artur, yeah.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I was in the labour ward and there were these people next to us
0:01:43 > 0:01:46who'd had twins and they were trying to work out the name for their kid,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49and the father suggested a name and then the women went, "Why?"
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and the guy was like, "Cos I really want a name with meaning."
0:01:53 > 0:01:55and the woman went, "What, Shelley?"
0:01:55 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00And so to the all-important question,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02which name will be featuring tonight?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Well, it's the name of England's sexiest footballer,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Wales's favourite saint,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09and Britain's...most current Prime Minister.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yes, tonight's name is Dave.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:20We are going to be talking all about people called Dave, David,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23and possibly even Davina. All variations are welcome.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Our David door is always open,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28but which Daves might be appearing on the show tonight?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30We've got sporting legends,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31showbiz legends,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34actual legends.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36We've got a David that money can't buy
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and a David that money DID buy.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41TENSE LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:42APPLAUSE
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Along the way, our teams will be collecting Daves and the team
0:02:47 > 0:02:51with the most will get to decide who was the greatest Dave of all time.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Richard, any idea, early doors, as to which Dave you'd like to see
0:02:54 > 0:02:56get the greatest Dave of all time?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Well, there's a lot of pressure.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00This is the first time we've ever done a name that's also the name of
0:03:00 > 0:03:03a channel we want to sell the show to at some point.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:06No pressure.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Actually, I'd rather not win today, cos you've got to choose
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- between the wonderful late, great David Bowie...- You would.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16..and David Attenborough.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Who wants to do that? - Is he dead as well?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Not at time of recording.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Josh, how about you? Who would you tender for Dave of all time?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Craig David.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Has he been all over your body?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32No, it's only Monday, isn't it?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:35OK, time to pick a Dave.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Our panellists choose a category and behind each one
0:03:38 > 0:03:41lurks a famous Dave, which our teams must attempt to win.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- So, Josh, I'm going to start with you.- Oh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Your team have got the choice between an intrepid Dave,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47a sexy Dave,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49a biblical Dave or a cheesy Dave.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Any of them could be Craig David.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Would he be a biblical Dave?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yeah, because like God, he rested on Sunday.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- I think we should go sexy Dave...- Sexy Dave.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04..to see who could possibly fulfil that.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You've chosen golden-balled footy hero David Beckham.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08SHE PURRS
0:04:08 > 0:04:12That is one hell of a tightly coiled towel he's got wrapped around him.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Let's have a look at his stats.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Of course, it's hard to imagine David without his delightful wife
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Victoria, so my first question to you guys is,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39what did David buy Victoria for her 34th birthday?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41A salad?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Jesus died at 33. Is that a thing?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Yeah.- Is that a fact? - So you'd be all right, though, yeah.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Like a mug that says, "Congrats, you've outlived Jesus?"
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I'll give you a clue, OK?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It's shrubbery in a line, lots of shrubbery.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- A hedge?- A hedge?!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Yeah, but think of lots of concentric lines of...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- A vineyard!- A vineyard, yes.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06For her 34th birthday, he bought her a vineyard.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07How did he wrap it up?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Not the only time David's been a little extravagant.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14In July 2012, he bought a piece of artwork
0:05:14 > 0:05:16for his daughter's first birthday.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Does anybody know who made it?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Damien Hirst.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Is the right answer, straight off the bat!- Ooh!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23APPLAUSE
0:05:23 > 0:05:25He's got less money than his wife has.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28His wife earns all the money in that household now, doesn't she?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Victoria, yeah.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- I reckon they've probably got a joint bank account.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- I would if I was married to Victoria Beckham.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- - So would I.- You'd do what, sorry? - I'd have a joint bank account.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'll tell you what I'd do to her!
0:05:39 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I swear to God, I'd take her up that high street,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I'd open up a joint bank account with her...
0:05:46 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:50..all day long.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, the deposits I'd make!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Harper Seven is Beckham's fourth child.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Here's what he said about his first.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I once bought confectionery for David Beckham.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Did you?!- Yeah. - What was the confectionery?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Erm, I was working in Waterstones and he was doing a signing,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and I got dispatched to get him Haribo and...
0:06:21 > 0:06:22"Dispatched"?!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:26SHE MIMICS HUNTING BUGLE
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's weird I've never heard David Beckham
0:06:28 > 0:06:30tell the same anecdote on a talk show.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Obviously David only had eyes for delectable Victoria,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38but who did he once name as his weird crush?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Maggie Thatcher.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Cos people are into that kind of stern...- I have to say...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Uh-oh!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Here we go. - Settle back, everybody.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Well, as I was growing up, I...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I was probably seven or eight, but there was something about
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Margaret Thatcher and I remember looking at her on telly,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59thinking she had nice hair.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:02She did!
0:07:02 > 0:07:06And weirdly, I remember always wondering how she smelt.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I imagine she had a nice smell, Margaret Thatcher.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Shall I tell you what she smelt of?- Yes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12The sadness of a million coalminers.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- LAUGHTER - Well...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:20OK, well, think along those lines.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23A woman, but married to a famous politician.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Sally Bercow.- Cherie Blair. - Cherie Blair...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27No... Oh, yes!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- ..his weird...- No way, that was unbelievable from Richard!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31"No... Oh, yes!"
0:07:31 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:35We've got a picture here of them meeting.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38He first met her when he attempted to bury a penalty in the
0:07:38 > 0:07:40top right-hand corner of her mouth.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It looks like he's hiding a ventriloquist doll behind his back.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"I've got a surprise for you!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Richard, weren't you voted weird crush by Heat Magazine?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I have been, yeah, in the time, but I think Jon was as well,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I think Jon beat me last year. Didn't you come second last year?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I've never won, I've come second twice,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03and third, as a gentleman should.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:09APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I'm not entirely sure a gentleman should come THIRD, but...
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Time, anyway, now, to play for the Dave. Here's the question.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Tonight, dipping my fingers into the pages of David Beckham's
0:08:21 > 0:08:25autobiography, My Side. I'm going to read out three short extracts.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28One is a genuine passage from David's autobiography,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31two are fakes. Your job is to find out the bona fide Beckham.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Here we go, extract number one.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Number two...
0:08:54 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:56And number three...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Which one do you think is the genuine article?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Was Smash Hits still around during The Spice Girls' era?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Yeah, yeah, it was peak.- Shh, shh. - LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:17- Was it?- Yeah.- No, no!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22It finished in about '55, Smash Hits was.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I've never heard him talk about music.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I don't think he's into music.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28He does imply Victoria could write a hit single,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30which I don't think is true.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Pictionary?- Everyone likes Pictionary.- Yeah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35So you're going to go for Pictionary.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36What are you guys doing to go for?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Smash Hits, he definitely... That's where he saw Victoria and thought, "I'll have a bit of that."
0:09:40 > 0:09:43What was he doing reading a teenage girl's magazine?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I think he was learning to read at that point.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I think we'll go with Smash Hits, please.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Well, the correct answer is...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Smash Hits. Richard's team get the Dave.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Well done, Beckham's all yours.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Richard, over to you. Time to pick a Dave.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You've got your choices of an intrepid Dave,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05a biblical Dave or a cheesy Dave.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Can we have intrepid Dave, please?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And you've picked one of the great Victorians,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Dr David Livingstone.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Let's have a look at his stats.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Dr Livingstone spent 30 years in Africa, covering 28,000 miles.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Wanted to open up trade routes, abolish slavery
0:10:30 > 0:10:33and convert people to Christianity.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Anybody done any of those things?- Abstinence.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41It's a shame it wasn't 69 with that moustache.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43A tad abrasive, I'd say.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46They might have had moustache wax in those days to soften it up.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Well, they did have moustache wax, it was called mascara.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Oh, really?- Yeah.- They called it mascara?- That's what it was.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It was only in the 1920s that women started using men's moustache wax
0:10:56 > 0:10:58to put on their eyelashes.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Just leave us something!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's hard enough being a man!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08So what was in mascara? What would have been...?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- It's mostly sort of fat, wax and soot.- Oh!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Ruth, we talk about the mascara,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17but was he properly equipped to go to Africa?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Oh, yeah, he had Dr Jaeger's woollen underwear.- In Africa?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I really hoped he'd call it Jaegerbums.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:27During one expedition, Livingstone was abandoned by his men.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Natives agreed to give him food in return for what?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Eating his dinner in public.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34- Absolutely right!- Wow!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36They put him in a little enclosure
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and the locals came to watch this weird bloke
0:11:38 > 0:11:40eating in a really strange way, and in exchange for that,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- he got the food. - What way did he eat?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- Well, he used to eat the bottom of the Jaffa Cakes off first.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48They'd never seen anything like it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49You're absolutely right,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52they were so fascinated by his use of knife and fork that he was made
0:11:52 > 0:11:55to eat in a sort of VIP, cordoned-off area,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57so they could just watch him.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Livingstone eventually died of dysentery, after which his
0:11:59 > 0:12:03African servants carried his body more than 1,000 miles to the coast,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05where it was taken back to Britain, but does anybody know
0:12:05 > 0:12:08what his servants did before they sent him off?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11They cut out his heart and buried it under a tree.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12They did. You're absolutely right.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14They were happy to send the body back,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16but stated his heart belonged...to Africa.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Livingstone trained as a doctor and created various medicinal remedies,
0:12:20 > 0:12:21including one called...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..Livingstone's Rousers.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Here's a picture of a genuine bottle of Rousers.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28As the label states, the compound was made from quinine
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and rhubarb, so you could take it as a tablet...or in a crumble.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Also the names of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's children.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Does anybody know what Livingstone's Rousers did?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Was it like an early Red Bull?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45It was more to fight against disease, a particular disease.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Malaria.- Malaria's absolutely right, absolutely right.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- His wife did die of malaria.- Did she?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Didn't he die of malaria as well? - Hmm, possibly. They're not quite so sure with him.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- Why are they unsure...? - He had all sorts of things wrong with them, he had terrible ulcers...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00No heart.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Ruth, was the Rouser a sort of typical Victorian remedy?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06That was quite gentle by Victorian standards.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So what was the worst sort of remedy?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Usually, the rhubarb is in there obviously to clear your system out,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14but they would normally give you mercury for that.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Oh, that's helpful.- Yeah, particularly good for newborn babies,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19you'll be pleased to know. Then, of course, you can keep 'em
0:13:19 > 0:13:22nice and quiet for the rest of their childhood on nice tonics
0:13:22 > 0:13:25and soothing syrups, which all contain opium.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Wow.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- And this is essentially how The Jeremy Kyle Show started.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33One doctor at the time, I mean,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36we can't prove it one way or another, but in his opinion,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38he thought that a third of all Manchester-born babies
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- were drug addicts. - How times change(!)
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Obviously life in Africa was extremely dangerous.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Here is a picture of Livingstone's arm bone. What caused that injury?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Does anybody know what caused that injury?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Arm wrestling.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58A lion.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Indeed. He was savaged by a lion. - I reckon he made that up.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- No, it was witnessed.- He was on his way to watch his wife give birth.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07There's a bit in his autobiography where he says,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"I remember when she was giving birth. I was being eaten by a lion."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Time now to get down to business
0:14:17 > 0:14:20because we're going to play for the Dave.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Whilst converting the tribal chief, Sechele,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25to Christianity, Livingstone urged the young man to make peace
0:14:25 > 0:14:29with his uncle, who ruled half the tribe.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32What did he suggest giving the uncle as a peace offering?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It's something he would have had in his supply case. Pretty dangerous.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Gun.- No.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38- Dynamite.- Gunpowder.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Gunpowder, absolutely. Gunpowder is what he gave.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It didn't work too well - the uncle, fearing the gunpowder
0:14:45 > 0:14:49was cursed, tried to purge it of evil by setting fire to it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Literally killed instantly.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Josh's team, you won it with gunpowder.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Well done, you get the Dave.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:02The next one is for both teams to play,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- so Josh, who would you like to pick? - We're going to go cheesy Dave.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, you have main-lined into actor, singer, panto star
0:15:08 > 0:15:12and walking self-parody David Hasselhoff.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Let's have a look at his stats.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26He brought down the Berlin Wall. Fair play to him.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27- Yeah, that was good, but then...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Hang on. You are forgetting Knight Rider.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31The car, Kitt.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Whoo-whoo! - LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That...that wasn't an owl, it wasn't...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I know it sounds like an owl, very good owl impression.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41He always had an owl in the glove compartment.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Are you a Hasselhoff fan, Jon?- Yes.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Why are you a Hasselhoff fan?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- I loved Baywatch. - Oh, of course you did.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Whoo-whoo!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:54 > 0:15:56As a fan of ladies and health and safety...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:02..that programme, just, was about saving lives
0:16:02 > 0:16:04and having a ruddy good time in the meantime.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:09David, unsurprisingly, split from his second wife in 2008.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11What was unusual about the divorce settlement?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She kept the surname and he wasn't allowed to use it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15It's about names, actually...
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Did she keep his first name?- No!
0:16:18 > 0:16:21No, he was given custody of the nickname Hoff
0:16:21 > 0:16:24and the catchphrase, "Don't hassle the Hoff."
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Did she get to use it once every two weeks at weekends?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29You could have said, "I've got a weekend Hoff."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31GROANING LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:33APPLAUSE
0:16:35 > 0:16:38We're going to enjoy David's first big-screen appearance now.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43It's an Italian science-fiction film from 1978 entitled Starcrash.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Here's the film's leading lady, the legendary astro-pilot Stella Star.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Least practical spacesuit I've ever seen.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Not the way to grip a sword traditionally either, that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Interesting there for Jon, that he liked the bikini,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02but not the health and safety.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04OK, here is the Hoff in all his glory.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Wow.- Yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09He's got a look of Margaret Thatcher about him.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Whoo-whoo!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14So, time to play for the Dave.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Here's the question, we want you to watch.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It's a very tense scene, so, you know, beware.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21From the end of Starcrash, featuring a clearly embarrassed
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Christopher Plummer, who's playing the Emperor.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Here it is.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29We must leave at once.
0:17:29 > 0:17:3248 seconds left till the explosion, we've got to get out of here.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34It's true, father.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36The Count has mined the planet with nuclear charges.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38We're all about to die.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You know something, my boy?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I wouldn't be Emperor if I didn't have some powers at my command.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48So tell me, for the Dave, what happens next?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51It's like Question Of Sport, this is brilliant, this!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Does a dog run onto the pitch?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Does Christopher Plummer look over the girl and go,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Oh, my, I've just realised that your suit is see-through"?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- She's sort of boil-in-the-bag, isn't she?- Yeah.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Did he go, "I've got a few tricks up my sleeve",
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and then he did that thing with his... Look at my...
0:18:08 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Whoa!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Difficult to pull off in metal gloves.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16That's your Tinder bio, isn't it?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"Very difficult to pull off in metal gloves."
0:18:18 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Does he fire a laser out of his butt?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's Christopher Plummer!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's not the worst thing he's done in this scene, to be fair!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Well, let's see who was closest.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32'You know something, my boy?'
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I wouldn't be Emperor if I didn't have some powers at my command.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Imperial Battleship...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47..halt...the flow of time!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50STUDIO LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:58In the space of three minutes,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02every molecule on this planet will be immobilised,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05but after the third minute, the green ray loses its power.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Time will flow once again...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and everything will explode.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It doesn't make any sense!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18It does, he just bought them a further three minutes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19That's all his special power was,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22basically a really rubbish pause button.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I think you came closest, I have to say, with laser,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- so I am going to award it...- What?!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- ..to Richard's team. You win the Dave.- Unbelievable.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Time now to shove a quid in our Dave-centred fruit machine.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39We'll bring up three of my favourite Daves.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Our teams must match the extraordinary fact
0:19:42 > 0:19:45to the extraordinary Dave. So let's get spinning.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48We have mahogany-faced antiques dealer David Dickinson,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Belgian waffler David Suchet,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and husky globetrotter Sir David Attenborough.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58The question is, which of these Daves solved a Victorian crime?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I'm going to come to you first, Josh.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02It could be David Dickinson
0:20:02 > 0:20:04cos he does a lot of antiques things, doesn't he?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Someone will have brought him something Victorian
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- and he'll have gone... - Yeah.- You reckon?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10You know, how he does?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:14It's amazing how far you can get down the line of an impression
0:20:14 > 0:20:17before you realise you've no idea what that person sounds like.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I find it hard to believe that David Dickinson would receive an item
0:20:25 > 0:20:29and know that that had influenced a crime 100 years prior.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32But what if there was, like, a false bottom and he took it out
0:20:32 > 0:20:35and underneath there was, like, a note that said, "I did it!"
0:20:35 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Yeah, I would have gotten away with it if I hadn't written, "I did it!" on a piece of paper.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- We're going to go with David Dickinson.- Right!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46You're going to go David Dickinson.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What are you going to go for, Richard's team?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Shall we go for David Suchet?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Richard's team are going for David Suchet. Well, you're both...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54so wrong.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56It's David Attenborough.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Yes, he was having an extension built when he found a human skull in
0:21:01 > 0:21:05his back garden and it turned out to belong to a Victorian murder victim.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Julia Martha Thomas had been killed following an argument with
0:21:08 > 0:21:11her maid, who decapitated her, cut up the body, boiled it in a vat
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and dumped it in the Thames.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14The maid had kept hold of the head
0:21:14 > 0:21:18as she was using the dead woman's false teeth.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Ew.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Just to prove that you could never judge someone's character
0:21:22 > 0:21:24by looking at them, here's the murderer.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Guilty!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- So had this not been solved until David Attenborough stepped in?- No.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34He found the skull and then presumably through DNA...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Did HE find the skull?- Yeah...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I mean, is Attenborough digging out his own foundations?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41This teeth thing doesn't make any sense at all.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43You wouldn't keep a skull just cos of the teeth,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46you'd take the teeth out, and also, we know Attenborough would not
0:21:46 > 0:21:49dig his own foundations, so two very big bits of evidence here
0:21:49 > 0:21:52pointing to the fact that David Attenborough killed somebody.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Attenborough's the one person who'd go to the police and say,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Look, I've done it, I've DNA tested it myself, you don't need...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"You needn't bother with all that",
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- and Attenborough's walking out... - HE WHISTLES
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Yeah, he's as guilty as sin!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Like Keyser Soze, suddenly he stops limping as he walks out.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13And he just smiles and he's got an incredible set of women's teeth.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:20David Suchet has, of course, solved crimes as Poirot.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25I assume that everyone here knows how he perfected his Poirot walk.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It was something he inserted between his buttocks.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30A coin, like, how to hold a coin between his buttocks.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35He did, so be careful if you ever go busking near John Suchet's house.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37David Suchet, you big tit!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40No, but he might be visiting his brother!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Halt the flow of time!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:52John Inman - and I know for a fact - used the very same technique
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- when perfecting his walk for Mr Humphries.- Was it the same coin?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yes, it's like a showbiz coin.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00One showbiz coin that's, like, given around.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02The stories that coin has to tell!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Sadly, no-one gets the Dave.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07OK, we're going to spin again and we have...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Shakespearean specialist David Garrick,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Poirot specialist David Suchet
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and Darth Vader specialist Dave Prowse.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Which actor said this?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30There is no way that language came out of Garrick's mouth!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32That's useful for us as well.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I watched a very upsetting episode of Canal Adventures
0:23:36 > 0:23:39with Prunella Scales and Timothy West, where they went to
0:23:39 > 0:23:44a sort of folly built to Garrick by the canal on the way out of London.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Sorry, am I in an old people's home?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:50A great thing about the programme is,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53obviously they just have massive arguments that they don't resolve,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57so they have to resolve the arguments in voice-over afterwards.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59So they'll have a massive barney and then in voice-over,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Timothy West will go, "Sorry, Pru."
0:24:01 > 0:24:03LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I'd love it if he just goes, "It turned out I was right all along."
0:24:07 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I'd go with Prowse or Poirot. Which one are we going to go for?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Well, it's all about lack of work, isn't it? I guess it's...
0:24:17 > 0:24:18I think it's the chap on the right.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- ..the guy you think has had the least work.- OK. David Prowse.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- You're going to go for David Prowse. OK, Richard's team, who do you think it is?- I think Poirot.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- David Suchet, we'll go for, Sue. - You're going to go for David Suchet.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31And the correct answer is...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Dave Prowse. Well done.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35APPLAUSE
0:24:35 > 0:24:38The quote comes from Dave Prowse's autobiography.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Does anyone want to guess the title?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Inside The Helmet.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Tall, Darth And Handsome.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49GROANING LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:51That's The Vader Cookie Crumbles.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53GROANING LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Straight From The Force's Mouth.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56GROANING
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Straight From The Force's Mouth. - Excellent work.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Cracking read, I particularly like this quote on page 28 -
0:25:02 > 0:25:05"Had lunch at the local Chinese restaurant with R2-D2's wife."
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Presumably he then went back to hers for a bit of...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10WHISTLES LIKE R2-D2
0:25:10 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Congratulations!
0:25:14 > 0:25:15You get the Dave.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Right, everybody, we finish with our quickfire Finish The Fact.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I'll start by reading out a Dave-based gem,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25you buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30First up, it is saucy novelist David Herbert Lawrence. There he is.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36BELL
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Did they get the order of the jam and the cream the wrong way round?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Yeah!- They absolutely hate that.- That is true.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46You and I are going to disagree on this, cos I go full Cornish.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- I go full Cornish as well. - Which is what?- As a Devonian?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Yeah, I prefer to enjoy my food than have loyalty to where I'm from.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Is it cream first, is it? - I'd go cream on top.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Once you take a bite and it goes in your mouth,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01you've got the same food in your mouth, haven't you?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Why does it matter?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Well, why don't you just blend up everything you eat then?!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Let's see a little bit more.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17BUZZER
0:26:17 > 0:26:18That was doing the jam on top.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It gave away when the D-Day landings were going to be.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24BUZZER
0:26:24 > 0:26:27They were accused, they were sending messages with washing
0:26:27 > 0:26:30on the line or something, they lived on the cliffs and they sent...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32That is absolutely correct, yes. Well done.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33APPLAUSE
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Congratulations, you get the Dave.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Next up, debonair English thespian David Niven.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44BUZZER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Is it arse coin?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I love that that is now a thing that we've got a word for.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57We'll reveal a little bit more.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02BUZZER
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Er, is it the deepest swimming pool in Europe after Richard Osman?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- Cos I imagine you've got quite a deep...- Ohh!
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Put you out your misery.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:21That is amazing!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Instead of having a 15-foot deep end...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30..15 metres deep!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33He only realised the mistake when he attempted to touch the bottom
0:27:33 > 0:27:35and his eardrums exploded!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37What's worrying about the fact that it's in Europe,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41it means someone in America has a 16-metre deep pool.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:47So we have come to the end of the show and I can tell you that
0:27:47 > 0:27:49tonight's winners with the most Daves are...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Team Richard!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:00So, with that in mind, Richard, it behoves you to name
0:28:00 > 0:28:03the world's all-time greatest and most magnificent Dave.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Who are you going to go for?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Well, I'd said we had a dilemma at the start of the show,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10but since discovering that David Attenborough is a murderer...
0:28:10 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER
0:28:12 > 0:28:14..I think there's only one answer.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17He's one of the greatest people of any name ever to live,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19the wonderful David Bowie.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21God rest his soul. Too right.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Majestically done.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27But, before we go,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30just time to present a special prize to the winning team.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Richard, please accept your genuine bottle of Livingston's Rousers.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37There... Oops! There you go.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39And for the runners-up, you get...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41David Suchet's special coin.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:45That's it for tonight.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48My massive thanks to all my guests, special thanks to all the Daves
0:28:48 > 0:28:51here, there and everywhere, and thanks to you at home for watching.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Always keep your pennies tight. Goodnight!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE