0:00:14 > 0:00:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Hello, you, and welcome to this special Christmas edition
0:00:27 > 0:00:30of Insert Name Here, and joining me, six very special guests.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Please welcome, Deborah Meaden, Kate Williams,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34and their team captain Josh Widdicombe,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36and on the other side, Danny Baker, Sara Pascoe
0:00:36 > 0:00:38and their captain Richard Osman.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Now, first things first, let's discuss the elephant in the room.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Kate, do you want to talk through your outfit?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Cos we didn't get that memo.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I thought, "Christmas show, I should come as an elf."
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I didn't realise that no-one else would be coming...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I look a bit like a kissagram but never mind.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06There's a slight sense of sort of pornographic elf,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08which is disconcerting. Isn't it?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Have you ever seen pornography?- Yes.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15As it's Christmas, we thought we'd do something
0:01:15 > 0:01:17a little bit different on the show this week so instead of
0:01:17 > 0:01:21celebrating one single name, we're going to celebrate a raft of names.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Tonight we're going to be talking about the stars of Christmas.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I'll tell you something that says Christmas and that's presents.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Because we had a lot of fun working together on the previous series
0:01:36 > 0:01:38so I thought it'd be nice to give presents.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Do you think that's a nice thing to do?- Oh, that's a lovely thing.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- This is unexpected.- There you go.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Sara, if you could pass that to Sue.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Oh, that is so...- It's a pleasure.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Look at the wrapping.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Well, listen I... I got you a little something.- That's kind.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54- JOSH:- Guys?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Hello?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- You can share it, though.- Thank you so much. Can I just say, Sue?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Merry Christmas and what a pleasure it is to work with you on this team.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Oh... Thank you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:07INAUDIBLE
0:02:09 > 0:02:10- JOSH:- Are you taking the piss?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Right, time to get on with the show.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16We're going to pick a Christmas all-star.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Our panellists choose a category behind which lurks one of the big
0:02:19 > 0:02:21festive players who our teams must then attempt to win.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23So we've got...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Richard, it's your team's turn to go first.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Pick a category if you will.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33We'll go for a Christmas Father, please, Sue.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Christmas Father. OK.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Well, you've chosen the daddy of Christmas himself,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39it's Santa Claus.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40So let's have a look at his stats.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- I really have met Father Christmas. - What?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03One of the things I've done on the radio is people with
0:03:03 > 0:03:06spectacular names and people whose names just sound like
0:03:06 > 0:03:08they're famous people and so you get people like
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Vincent Rice...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12A Carolyn Munro rang up.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And a fellow came in from another studio.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17He said, "I heard what you were doing."
0:03:17 > 0:03:18And he was wearing the dog collar.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22He said, "My name is Christopher Moss. I'm Father Chris Moss."
0:03:22 > 0:03:24He really, really was.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28St Nicholas was born in 265 AD.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32According to legend, what did he do just after he was born?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- He performed a miracle. - Oh, did he speak?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37He did speak, actually. I'll give you that.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38He did speak, but what did he say?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48He immediately stood up in the bath and praised God.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Even as a baby, he would fast every Wednesday and Friday...
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- He was doing the 5-2? - He did the 5-2.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58According to legend, St Nicholas rescued three boys.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59What happened to them?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Yes, the only thing I know,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06or can remember about St Nicholas is they were murdered and sliced up
0:04:06 > 0:04:09and put in a barrel and were going to be sold as ham,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13and he came along and he freed them, made them back to life.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I think I'm right in remembering.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19That is absolutely right. He did indeed. Well done. Congratulations.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26He did. He restored them back to life.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So they were cured...
0:04:28 > 0:04:29then cured.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Dutch settlers took the legend of St Nicholas to America where
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Sinterklaas gradually evolved into Santa Claus.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Meanwhile, the British had an entirely different tradition.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44In Tudor times, who was the face of Christmas?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I believe what we are talking about here is the whole tradition,
0:04:47 > 0:04:48pre-Queen Victoria,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51of Christmas being an adult festival for fun and
0:04:51 > 0:04:55wild drunkenness and, in Tudor times, the lord over this was
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Captain Christmas, or Lord Christmas.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Captain Christmas?! - Captain Christmas!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- It is. Well done. - Captain Christmas?!
0:05:02 > 0:05:03- Yes.- Worst superhero ever.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Did you know it's illegal to eat a mince pie
0:05:07 > 0:05:08in this country on Christmas Day?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Is that another EU law, is it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15The only thing we're allowed to eat is bloody Brussels!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It was brought in by Oliver Cromwell,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21who, of course, banned Christmas,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24had people employed as Christmas inspectors who used to go round and
0:05:24 > 0:05:26knock on the door and say, "No-one's having Christmas fun in here."
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Banned eating mince pies.- Is it still banned?- It is still there.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Someone has forgotten to take it off.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Have you eaten a mince pie on Christmas Day?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Oh, I'm sorry, you're going to have to talk to my lawyer about that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I can't. I'm too full up of swan.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43By the 17th century,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Captain Christmas had become known as Father Christmas.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48The British Father Christmas then merged with the American Santa Claus
0:05:48 > 0:05:51to form the sort of messy, confusing mix of pagan and Christian
0:05:51 > 0:05:52we know and love today.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56But where did the idea of Santa Claus flying come from?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Anybody know?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Are we going to get into Coca-Cola territory?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Everyone always says it's all that advert, don't they?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It's actually way before then. Way before then.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It isn't quite true either. He was already red.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- You're on my team!- I'm just saying.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Your team is literally like a family Christmas.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I'm not sitting in the corner drinking too much.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24It's to do with the fact they drank hallucinogenic reindeer wee.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26THEY CHEER
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Oh, that's going to wash down the goose beautifully.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# We're walking in the air! #
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Wow.- It's true.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38The Sami people of Lapland used to feed mushrooms to their reindeer,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41which they would graze on, and then collect and drink the urine.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44And you'd get the hallucinogenic properties of the mushrooms
0:06:44 > 0:06:46in a safer and more processed form.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49So it's now time to play for the Santa,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52and look at one of the more bizarre Christmas films ever made.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56It's the 1964 classic Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Yes!- Are you a fan of this one? - I have seen this.- You're joking.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- There it is.- No.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Now, I don't want to spoil the film
0:07:03 > 0:07:06because the writing, acting and props have already done that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09It's Christmas time.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12The Martian children are very sad so the Martian leaders kidnap
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Santa from Earth so he can teach the Martian kids about fun.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19So the question is, how does Santa cheer up the Martian children?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21If only someone had seen the film.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I just remembered I saw this in a double bill
0:07:25 > 0:07:28with a film called The Terrors Of Tiny Town,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31which was a cowboy film staffed entirely by midgets
0:07:31 > 0:07:33and everyone was little.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Had you been drinking reindeer wee at the time?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I don't remember how he cheers him up but I have seen it.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Anyone have a clue? - Is it a funny dance?- No, no dancing.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Does he do his catchphrase, "Ho, ho, ho"?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46No, I'll give you that, though,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48cos it's as close to a "Ho, ho, ho" as you're going to get.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Let's have a look what he does.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54We have another Earth person that wants to see you.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01SANTA CHUCKLES CREEPILY
0:08:09 > 0:08:10KIDS LAUGH
0:08:12 > 0:08:15SANTA LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:08:20 > 0:08:22That's how you cheer up children.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Just laugh and laugh and laugh
0:08:23 > 0:08:26until they start laughing and they laughed and laughed
0:08:26 > 0:08:28until they saw the reviews of the film.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Well done. Josh's team, you win the Santa.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Right, Josh, your turn to pick a Christmas name. You've got...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Can I have a Christmas Cook? - A Christmas Cook.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Well, you have chosen the nation's number one turkey twizzler,
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Delia Smith.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Let's have a look at her stats.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Delia's one of Britain's bestselling and best loved cookery writers,
0:09:07 > 0:09:12having sold over 21 million books and her How To Cook Book One ranks
0:09:12 > 0:09:14at number 60 in the bestselling books of all time.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Now, Deborah, do you do cooking at Christmas? Are you a cook?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- Oh, I wish you hadn't asked that. - Why?- Because I've...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23never cooked.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- You've never cooked? - What, never, ever cooked?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- Well, I've heated milk. - Worst Christmas ever.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So, hang on, let's rewind. The Meaden Christmas.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Who's cooking at the Meaden Christmas?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- My husband, who is a fabulous cook. - Oh, good. You're let off.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Absolutely.- When did you marry him? If I may be so bold.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43As soon as he learnt to cook, basically.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It took ten years of me insisting on eating out in restaurants and
0:09:46 > 0:09:47eventually he took up cooking.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- DANNY:- The problem is they don't do it in schools.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There's no point sending them out with Latin.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Everyone should turn out of school
0:09:53 > 0:09:54knowing how to cook and look after themselves.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57To be fair, Deborah's done all right, though.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:02It is one of the basics.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Delia was given her first cookery column in
0:10:06 > 0:10:08a national newspaper in 1969.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11What went wrong with her first recipe for a Christmas cake?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Was there, like, a misprint so one of the ingredients was, like,
0:10:14 > 0:10:15a different thing?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- RICHARD:- Did it autocorrect the word "raisin" to "poison"?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25It's got to do with a lack of ingredient rather than
0:10:25 > 0:10:26the wrong weights or measures.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- No flour. - No icing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- No.- No raisins.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31No... Well, currants.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36She forgot to include the line, "put in the currants".
0:10:36 > 0:10:37And a large amount of nuts...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39wrote in to complain.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40She received a sack of letters
0:10:40 > 0:10:42asking what they should do with the leftover currants.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Still not the worst Christmas cake ever because that is this.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:49- DANNY:- Special.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51And of course, someone forgot to include
0:10:51 > 0:10:53a line in that recipe saying,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"Don't make it look like a penis."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Now, if you've not got time
0:10:58 > 0:10:59to source the full turkey and trimmings,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- try this - the chicken in the can. - Oh, yeah.- There it is.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Sweet Sue's Canned...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Is this your original food company?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Listen, I know it doesn't look great but, listen, give it a chance.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Give it a chance. Here we go.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16GROANING
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, if it tastes as good as it looks...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25it's probably against the Geneva Convention.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26What was it in?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27A can.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Delia filmed many of her TV series at her house.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35For the How To Cook series in 1999,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38she didn't want the television crew to use her toilet.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40How did this backfire?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Shit in her fridge.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Oh, no.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, obviously, someone did ones or twos
0:11:46 > 0:11:49in a place she didn't want them to do it.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50No, it isn't even that.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Oh, they didn't do threes?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57No, it was something more to do with the mechanism of having to
0:11:57 > 0:11:59bring in alternative facilities.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- So they put in a...- A Portaloo, indeed.- A Portaloo incident.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05There was indeed. Now, let me tell you about this
0:12:05 > 0:12:06particular Portaloo incident.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It was delivered for the production team to use,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11sadly lowered into position
0:12:11 > 0:12:13directly on top of one of Delia's cats,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- killing it... JOSH:- Oh, no!- ..instantly.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19They only discovered the mistake at the end of the series.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Now I'm worried they were trying to put the Portaloo
0:12:21 > 0:12:23where the litter tray was.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's a rum owner that puts a litter tray outside.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I find nature to be the best litter tray of all.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Do you really, Sue?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Outside that marquee at the Bake Off?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Always blame it on the chocolate sponge. So...
0:12:42 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Someone's left their technical challenge all over the pathway.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Why did Delia feature on Watchdog?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Because they didn't allow her on Watchcat any more.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Oh, no.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Bravo. That's the one.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Her recipe for seafood risotto was deemed so bad
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- that Watchdog intervened and investigated it.- No!- Yeah.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It was a Waitrose recipe.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20The Watchdog team recreated the dish to sample it
0:13:20 > 0:13:22and Anne Robinson was so disgusted
0:13:22 > 0:13:24she almost managed to move her face.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Time now to try and win yourselves a Christmas Delia.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31OK, this is your question.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33What's Delia got in common with Father Christmas?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Do they get more letters at Christmas than anyone else?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37It's not the volume.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40You don't need to put the full address on for it to get there.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Absolutely right. Yes, they share that. Well done.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Well done.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49You do not need to put an address on a letter for it to reach her.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51If you write a letter to Delia Smith, Stowmarket,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52it will reach her.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Now that sounds like an incitement.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57The same as if you put "Father Christmas, North Pole".
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well done, Richard's team. You win the Christmas Delia.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Richard, it's your turn. Pick a Christmas name, if you will.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10You've got...
0:14:12 > 0:14:13a Christmas Royal, please, Sue.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17All right, you've chosen Queen Elizabeth, the second of her name.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Let's have a look at one's stats.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's Christmas Day, three in the afternoon,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38everyone is comatose so it's time for the Queen's Speech.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Now, Sara, are you a regular watcher of the Queen's Speech?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I've never seen the Queen's Speech.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Never? AUDIENCE MURMUR
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I know. Does that make me unpopular with the crowd?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I don't even know what time it was on until... Is it three o'clock?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Three, yeah.- I've never seen it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- KATE:- What are you doing at three o'clock?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Rowing.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:58All be long. We're busy arguing.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Deborah, how about you? Are you a fan of Her Maj?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'm flabbergasted.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Do you know? Absolutely.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09We watch the Queen's Speech every year without exception.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- And I don't just tune in, I stand up.- You stand up?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14- We all stand up. - DANNY:- No, you don't.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I nearly went like that when she actually came up on the screen..
0:15:17 > 0:15:19SUE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh, stop it. I'm going to have to do it.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25The first Christmas broadcast was made by George V in 1932.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Who wrote his speech?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I can see the actor.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- What, in The King's Speech, are you talking about?- Yes, is that the one?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35No, because there's difference between actors and real life.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Jeremy Rush.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Jeremy Rush?!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Was it someone like Noel Coward or a playwright?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Not a playwright, more of a poet and writer.- Oh.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Rudyard Kipling. - George Bernard Shaw.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Kipling it is. Yes.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00It was 251 words long, aired live on Christmas Day,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04lasted 3 minutes and reached an audience of 20 million
0:16:04 > 0:16:06across the British Empire.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Indeed, written by Kipling, which of course is why at the end you
0:16:09 > 0:16:10hear all the stuff about bear necessities.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15The Queen made her first televised Christmas speech in 1957.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18What interrupted the broadcast?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Was the sound of a flush and then the Duke of Edinburgh going,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"I'd give that ten minutes"?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It was actual interference.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28An American police radio transmission.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Freak atmospheric conditions caused US police radio transmissions
0:16:32 > 0:16:33to interfere with the broadcast
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and at one point some listeners heard an officer say,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"Joe, I'm going to grab a quick coffee."
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Who had to give the Queen fashion advice before
0:16:41 > 0:16:43her 1988 Christmas speech?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Vivienne Westwood.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Not a designer.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Tim Westwood.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Who wouldn't like to see that? DANNY:- Boris.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No, a broadcaster.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56David Attenborough.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Indeed. Our greatest ever broadcaster. Indeed, yes.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01It fell to him to tell the Queen that the searing acid green outfit
0:17:01 > 0:17:04she was wearing would not work on television as it was
0:17:04 > 0:17:06too similar to the wallpaper in the background.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: I'm crouching here in the Queen's wardrobe...
0:17:09 > 0:17:10When I was living in Deptford,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I went to get the Evening Standard one night and,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14as I was coming up to the newsagent,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18there's some traffic lights and an enormous car come up beside of us
0:17:18 > 0:17:20and stopped at the traffic lights.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And I looked and there was the Queen, right?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25And so I carried on walking and thought,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"That's... That's the Queen."
0:17:28 > 0:17:30And then the car caught up with me and got stuck in the traffic
0:17:30 > 0:17:33so there we were again and, as I'm mooching along,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36we kept pace with each other for about 50 yards.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Sorry, the Queen was kerb crawling?!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43And I looked at the Standard and the headline was,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"The Thames Barrier opened by the Queen."
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It was one of those moments you thought,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Is anybody around ever going to believe this?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Wouldn't it be brilliant if this year's Queen's Speech was the Queen
0:17:52 > 0:17:55saying, "I remember after I opened the Thames Barrier.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59"You'll never guess who I saw. Danny Baker."
0:17:59 > 0:18:02She watched Pets Win Prizes and she went, "I've met him."
0:18:05 > 0:18:08How did Princess Anne cause tension during
0:18:08 > 0:18:12the 2003 Christmas royal family celebration?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I believe there was a dog problem.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Well, for "problem" read "murder". - Whoa!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Absolutely. This was extraordinary.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24When she arrived, Princess Anne, her bull terrier savaged one of
0:18:24 > 0:18:26the Queen's favourite corgis...
0:18:26 > 0:18:27to death.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30As a safety precaution, Anne's dog was then given the muzzle that's
0:18:30 > 0:18:33normally reserved for Prince Philip on foreign trips.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36But did you know, it is illegal... It is illegal...
0:18:36 > 0:18:38So when you all get invited to Sandringham for Christmas,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41you must not take your dog with you if it is a particularly
0:18:41 > 0:18:45amorous dog because if your dog tries to mate with one of
0:18:45 > 0:18:48the royal dogs, that is treason and you could have to go to the Tower.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Let's try and encourage all of our dogs to have sex with the
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Queen's corgis because they can't lock us all up.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Imagine your first night in Wormwood Scrubs and someone goes,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"What are you in for, mate?"
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"Well, there's a story behind it..."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05How does the Queen sign her Christmas cards?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Does she kiss them with lovely lipstick?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"Thank you so much for running Burundi all year."
0:19:19 > 0:19:22She actually... It depends who you are.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24She signs them in different ways.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Cousins, like the Gloucesters, have theirs signed "Lilibet".
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Close friends get "Elizabeth".
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Political figures such as the Prime Minister get a formal "Elizabeth R".
0:19:32 > 0:19:35And Fergie gets a box with a corgi turd.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43OK, it's time to try and win the Christmas Queen.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45OK, this is your question. Now, as children,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49what did Elizabeth and her sister Margaret do for Christmas each year?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Put on a play.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- They did put on a play.- Oh! - Straight off the bat.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- They did. They did a Christmas pantomime.- Yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Well done, Richard's team. Triumphant. Well done.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04APPLAUSE
0:20:08 > 0:20:11So time now to fire up our Christmassy fruit machine.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Our teams must match the extraordinary fact to the
0:20:14 > 0:20:17extraordinary person and, as it's Christmas, we've loaded a variety
0:20:17 > 0:20:20of names into our fruit machine but all with a Christmassy theme.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22First up, Ivy's best friend.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Yeah, we've got three Hollies for you.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26This morning presenter Holly Willoughby,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Frankie Goes To Hollywood front man Holly Johnson
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and star of The Piano, Hollywood actress Holly Hunter.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34The question is which of these Hollies once worked with
0:20:34 > 0:20:36a rumpologist?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38A rumpologist, of course - I don't need to tell you -
0:20:38 > 0:20:42is someone who can tell the future from examining your arse.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Tell the future?!- The ancient craft of rumpologist, yes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Just what's going to happen to you, though, not like the entire world.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Right.- Who do you think consults rumpologists?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I reckon it's Holly Hunter. Because she's a bit Hollywood, crazy.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Because you're always looking for the future in some kind of way.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I think Holly Johnson would've had a lot of jobs before
0:20:59 > 0:21:01he was in Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04He could have taken tickets for the rumpologist, and the rumpologist
0:21:04 > 0:21:06had a little booth, Holly Johnson could have been outside
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- taking the tickets for him.- Yes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11We're going to go with Holly Hunter.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You're going to go with Holly Hunter. All right. Richard's team.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Well, my instinct
0:21:17 > 0:21:18is to go to Holly Johnson
0:21:18 > 0:21:19because he would have a laugh
0:21:19 > 0:21:22and he might've met people who said, "Yeah, there's this thing,
0:21:22 > 0:21:23"you know, they look at your rear end."
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- "Oh, I'll have a go at that." - OK, we'll go with Holly Johnson.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Holly Johnson.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30All right, let's see who's right.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32ALL GROAN Holly Willoughby.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Of course, it was Holly Willoughby.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39In November 2011, Holly met psychic Sam Amos, a rumpologist
0:21:39 > 0:21:42who claims she can see someone's future by peering at their buttocks.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Of course, if you're appearing on national television sticking
0:21:44 > 0:21:47your arse through a porthole, you really don't need to be
0:21:47 > 0:21:50a psychic to know your career isn't going well.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Does anybody have an idea whose rump is being ologised?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, no, not Phillip Schofield!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Please, no!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59You know if you're in a submarine
0:21:59 > 0:22:00and you saw that out one of the...
0:22:00 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Oh, my God, if it is someone
0:22:04 > 0:22:06who is on the panel tonight,
0:22:06 > 0:22:07it's going to be so good.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Well, now you've slagged off my buttocks, let me show you...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Let's see who it is.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Let's have a look.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And I was saying with the right cheek, very... One of these
0:22:16 > 0:22:19people that you would take as the heart and soul of the party.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Heart and soul.- Life and soul of the party.- Yeah.- OK, let's have a look.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Round you come.- I can't do it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Is this person the life and soul of the party?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Who is it? Ooh!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Who else could that bottom belong to? Biggins!- Hello, darling!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41What I love about that is he's sporting a poppy.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43What could be more appropriate
0:22:43 > 0:22:46to commemorate our beloved fallen?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49No-one sadly gets the Holly there
0:22:49 > 0:22:51so we move on to our next name.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52This is the bird of Christmas.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Not turkey but Robin.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55So here are three Robins.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59First up, helium-voiced Bee Gee Robin Gibb,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Umbrella-ella-ella singer Rihanna AKA Robyn Rihanna Fenty,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and Dancing On Ice star Robin Cousins.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08So the question is which of these Robins was an arsonist?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Your go to start first, Richard.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Robin Cousins, being an arsonist and being an ice skater,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16those are two careers which don't go well together.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Maybe that's why he quit the arson, though.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Robin Gibb has been on the road
0:23:20 > 0:23:22since he was about five.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24They've been all their lives showbiz kids.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Maybe that's why he was never caught.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Yeah.- Perfect.- Always in a new town.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29That's why he was on the road.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- JOSH:- Always the same two news stories.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Great gig by the Bee Gees," and, "House burned down nearby."
0:23:35 > 0:23:37No-one ever put two and two together.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39No-one ever put two and two together!
0:23:39 > 0:23:40They did have that song
0:23:40 > 0:23:42that was like, "Ah, ah, ah, ah,"
0:23:42 > 0:23:43like you'd burned yourself.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- OK, so?- Let's say Robin Cousins.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Yes.- Robin Cousins, please.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Robin Cousins, the arsonist.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52OK, Josh's team. Who do you think?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53I think Rihanna.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55She's got an edge to her, hasn't she?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Robin Gibb, now,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- he was in the Bee Gees.- Yes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02It's like watching Sherlock Holmes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05See, I think Rihanna
0:24:05 > 0:24:07is the obvious one to go for.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Yeah, so we should go...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Which kind of makes me feel like we should go for...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13She grew up in Barbados so you'd set fire to things, maybe.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16What, you think ...?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19One Christmas she got a magnifying glass.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Next thing you know, Barbados has burned down.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24We're going to go with Gibb.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26You're going to go with Gibb. All right. Let's have a look.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28The right answer is...
0:24:29 > 0:24:30CHEERING
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Well done. Robin's preferred method of fire starting
0:24:37 > 0:24:40was to reflect light off Barry's teeth.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43According to brother Maurice, Robin was the family arsonist.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44He remembered...
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Well done, Josh's team. You win the Robin, the Christmas Robin.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00APPLAUSE
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Right, let's play Finish The Fact.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I'll start by reading out a Christmas-based gem and you
0:25:07 > 0:25:09buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11First up, we've got some nativity scenes.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16BUZZER
0:25:16 > 0:25:19A different ending where they all get together
0:25:19 > 0:25:23and murder the selfish innkeeper.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24BUZZER
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Is it guys on mopeds shouting at your girlfriend?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32It's actually a special figure called the caganer,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34who is shown, what?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Could I?- Yes, you may. BUZZER
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It's very much in keeping with Biggins earlier on.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Indeed it is. So what is the caganer doing?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Caganers show their rump.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44They're rumpologists of the holiday season.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47They are indeed and they are shown defecating.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Here's a traditional example.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53He's in a corner of Delia Smith's house there, isn't he?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57So the caganer is traditionally a figure of a Catalan peasant
0:25:57 > 0:26:00but it can be anybody seen in the act of defecating.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Is that meant to symbolise that there were obviously
0:26:03 > 0:26:05no loos in the time so everyone would go to the stables
0:26:05 > 0:26:08if they wanted an indoor defecation experience
0:26:08 > 0:26:10cos they didn't want to do it outside?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Do you call it a defecation experience?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I mean, you're making it sound like a theme park.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I can't wait to go to your theme park.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21You must be this tall to go on the indoor defecation experience.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Put on your 3-D glasses.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Richard, you and your team win the nativity scene,
0:26:27 > 0:26:28the Christmas nativity scene.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Next up, we've got punchy Portuguese football manager Jose Mourinho.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39BELL
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Because he just realised he wasn't actually the only Special One?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, very good.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49BELL
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Is it because he thinks his players eat too much and don't do any
0:26:52 > 0:26:54exercise and get very lazy?
0:26:54 > 0:26:55No. BELL
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Deborah?- Is it because his father was never around at Christmas?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00His father's involved, actually.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04The answer is in 1984, right in the middle of Christmas lunch,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06his father did what?
0:27:06 > 0:27:07BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Read the entire book 1984 aloud to everyone.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12BUZZER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Did he send John Terry off and he'd done nothing?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- I know the answer to this.- Do you?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Yeah, his dad was a football manager as well, wasn't he?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Yes, he was. - And his dad was sacked.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25His dad was indeed sacked in the middle of Christmas lunch.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Well done.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33The club then hired Sam Allardyce,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36who was sacked halfway through Christmas pudding.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38But congratulations. Well done, Josh.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You win Jose, the Christmas Jose.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46So we come to the end of the show and I can tell you tonight's
0:27:46 > 0:27:48winners with the most Christmas names collected...
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Richard's team. APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Thank you.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And for our losers, it's grim but it's a genuine...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Chicken in a can.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Just like my momma used to chuck away!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08There you go, my little elf.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10My thanks to all of my guests and big thanks to you home for watching.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13A massive happy Christmas to you all and we will be back with
0:28:13 > 0:28:16a full series in the New Year. But, for now, thanks for watching.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Good night.