0:00:24 > 0:00:27Hello and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where we discover
0:00:27 > 0:00:31surprising facts about people with just one thing in common -
0:00:31 > 0:00:34they've all got the same name.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Joining me, six of my favourite people
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and indeed six of my favourite names.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Please welcome Kate Williams, Miles Jupp,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41with their team captain Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And on the other side, Sally Phillips, Roisin Conaty
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and their captain Richard Osman.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Welcome.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Now, Miles, where does the name Jupp come from?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Does that hail from anywhere august?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Well, I thought it did.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I thought for a long time Jupp was a Belgian name and the reason
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I thought it was a Belgian name is because I'd said to my father,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08"Where does our strange name come from?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And he said, "It's a Belgian name,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Jupps were Huguenots and they were expelled from Belgium."
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And a few years later, I was talking to a radio producer.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18He said, "We should make a documentary about something.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"Where is your name from?" I said, "Oh, that's interesting.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"It's a Belgian name. The Huguenots were expelled from Belgium."
0:01:23 > 0:01:25He said, "Right, well, let's do a show about that.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27"Why don't we do a thing where you go to Belgium
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"and you can do a stand-up gig
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"in the area where you were expelled from."
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"Yeah, OK, let's do that." So he pitched it,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37it got commissioned and I had it in the diary...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Sorry. It got commissioned?!
0:01:40 > 0:01:41This is radio, not telly.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45It did. For whatever reason,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47it got commissioned and then, a few weeks before we went,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I rang my dad and I said,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51"We are doing a documentary, by the way, about our family
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"and I just need the name of the village we were expelled from."
0:01:54 > 0:01:56He said, "Fine. I'll just ring my cousins.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57"They know all this sort of stuff."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And he rang me about half an hour later and went, "Yes, um...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"Nobody else thinks this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05"Um..."
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Well, it turns out there were no Huguenots in Belgium anyway.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10No. They were French.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Nor is Jupp a Huguenot name.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14So the whole thing was wrong on many levels.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16So I ended up making a slightly different documentary
0:02:16 > 0:02:17about not being Belgian.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Which, I mean... Which almost anybody could have pitched,
0:02:20 > 0:02:21of course.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25We are going to get now to the important question -
0:02:25 > 0:02:27which name is going to be featuring tonight?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Well, let me put you out of your misery. It's an all-time favourite.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32They can be rotten, they can be good, they can be long,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35they can be little, because tonight's name is John.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:41So, any thoughts, Josh,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44about your greatest John?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45O'Groats?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49He's the most northerly John.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51He is the most northerly John.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Yeah, I'd go musical.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56John Lennon. Or the rapper John Barnes.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Oh!- The Anfield rapper.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01The Anfield rapper, yeah.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04He was one of the forerunners in the rap movement, John Barnes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Richard, how about you? What John would you go for?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Best John of all time. - I'll make a brief observation first,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13which is a lot of Johns set up shops.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15So you've got John Sainsbury set up a shop,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17John Lewis set up a shop...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- Yes.- ..and Sir John Poundland also set up a shop.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25But I think I will also go for music and go for the one that Josh forgot,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28which is John Grimes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29John Grimes?
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Yeah, John Grimes.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Who is John Grimes? - He is the J out of Jedward.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- He's Edward Grimes' brother. - Oh!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Don't you look a fool.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I do.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Right, let's get on with the show. Time to pick a John, any John.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Our panellists are going to choose a category,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53behind which lurks a famous face, which our teams must then attempt to win.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54So, we have got...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02So, Josh, your team goes first. What would you like to pick?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- I think we'll go with a wild John. - Wild, you've picked.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Well, you've picked heavy-metal legend John "Ozzy" Osbourne.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11There he is. Let's have a look at the stats.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Yes, it's heavy-metal icon Ozzy Osbourne,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27who rose to prominence in the early '70s as the lead vocalist of Black Sabbath.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28And if he's watching,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31much of his life story coming up will be news to him also.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Before turning 18, Ozzy was arrested for burglary
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and sentenced to three months in prison, but why did he get caught?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40What mistake did he make?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Stealing?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Morally, you are absolutely right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46- Which is a sin.- Exactly.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Let's start at the top.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- He was stealing. - Maybe did all of the sins.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Maybe he got bogged down and got...
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Got bogged down with gluttony. For hours.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57There were some burglars when I was growing up in the West Midlands,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00they got caught because they had such a great time burgling this
0:05:00 > 0:05:03house and then they sat down and had a bowl of cornflakes each.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- That can't be true!- They left the bowl of cornflakes unfinished
0:05:07 > 0:05:09in the kitchen and ran out,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12so they were caught by their DNA on a bowl of cornflakes.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- DNA?!- It all sounds a bit Three Bears, this, doesn't it?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22When you're stealing, what would you try and cover up to avoid DNA?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23- Boobs.- Footprints.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Boobs?!- Sorry, I answered before you got to the end of your sentence.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Of course, you would want to cover your boobs, yes.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Not going to be going topless to a burglary, Roisin.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I would... If I was going to burgle, I would go,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42so you don't need many clothes, naked burgling is the way to do it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- But you'd cover your boobs. - Gaffer the boobs up?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47- Strap them in.- Yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And then...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52And just leave the old fud out because that doesn't matter.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Have you made up a word?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00No. It's my preferred iteration, yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Fud.- I think naked burgling could catch on.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- I think...- He didn't burgle naked!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- He just didn't...- If he had, he wouldn't have got caught.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11We've established that.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Naked burgling is a documentary
0:06:13 > 0:06:16that Miles has just got commissioned for Radio 4.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19About me not being a naked burglar.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23When I was growing up, I was always told I used to be a naked burglar.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28We are all out, aren't we? All out of our homes tonight.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Although this is going out in January,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35so it would take a time-travelling burglar.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I would like to be clear, I'm at home and I'm holding a baseball bat.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I'm now wearing a Belgium top and I've got my fud out.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47So...
0:06:47 > 0:06:51No, you know how they wear gloves, like most burglars wear gloves?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Well, Ozzy's thumb was missing on his gloves.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And so he left his fingerprints.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- That's what he did. - We had our car broken into and we rang the police and they...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- What do you call it? Fingerprinted...- Dusted.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Dusted, yeah, they dusted the car for about two hours.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08And I said, "It's not like telly, is it?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:11She said, "No, it's not really like CSI.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"I tell you what it a tiny bit like,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"those documentaries about the police on Five."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Ozzy's musical journey began when he placed an ad
0:07:21 > 0:07:22in a local music shop
0:07:22 > 0:07:25that said, "Ozzy Zig needs gig."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27And several people answered,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29including Tony Iommi, who had been in the year
0:07:29 > 0:07:31above him at school. There they are.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Ozzy not getting the 'tache memo.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Anybody here been in a band? Anybody got any musical connections?
0:07:38 > 0:07:43I was asked to audition for a band and I failed the audition.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- What were you auditioning for? - Well...- Hear'Say.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49When I was growing up in Stourbridge,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52the big bands were the Wonder Stuff and Ned's Atomic Dustbin and
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Pop Will Eat Itself, and a man came up to me in a nightclub in
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Birmingham...- Oh, dear.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00He said "Ned's Atomic Dustbin are looking for tambourine players."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:07That old line!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"We've looked high and low.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"Resorted to the clubs."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Just going and asking strangers.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18So me and my friend, we went...
0:08:18 > 0:08:19- This man said...- Oh, God.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- "Meet us in McDonald's." - Meet you in McDonald's?!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Imagine you are sat next... Having your Big Mac.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You are already in your lowest point you can go.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33"Come off it, mate. You're not going to shake a tambourine in here."
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Imagine being in McDonald's
0:08:35 > 0:08:38and you're eating and there's a queue of 20 girls
0:08:38 > 0:08:40with big hair, holding tambourines.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43There is someone sitting at home now in Birmingham saying,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47"I told you that happened. I told you."
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Yeah, of course, because this was the days before iPhones or anything.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53So this guy just beat out some songs.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Excuse me.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I did think... I did think the story was going to end up with a guy beating off.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04You know what? It is gutting, though,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07when you see how famous the eventual tambourine player
0:09:07 > 0:09:09in Ned's Atomic Dustbin became.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10What an opportunity you missed.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- I would have been great.- These dreams do come true, don't they?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17When Bez turned up to that ridiculous maraca audition in a Burger King,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20he had no idea what lay ahead.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It's well-known that Sharon and Ozzy had many battles,
0:09:24 > 0:09:25mainly to do with his drinking.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Once Sharon took Ozzy to meet with the head of CBS in Germany.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Ozzy was fairly intoxicated and decided to lighten the mood, as you do.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37The next morning, he thought that what he'd done was a striptease,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40followed by playfully kissing the executive.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41What had he actually done?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45The clue is, it's in Germany.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47He invaded Poland?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53He did a Nazi goose step up and down the table
0:09:53 > 0:09:57before dipping his vesicles in the German executive's wine
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and then, and only then, urinating in it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04So close, Ozzy.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Did it work? Is that how one gets a commission?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Don't know. Miles?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Yes. Sadly...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Sadly for radio, yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16That is how I got this gig.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Just the casual dip of a fud...
0:10:20 > 0:10:21..into...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22..I think it was a Chianti.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25The vagina cannot tell.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31What a beautiful name for an autobiography that would be.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33My lips are sealed.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42So, 1982, in Texas,
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Sharon took all Ozzy's clothes from the hotel room to stop him drinking.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- What did Ozzy do?- I know this.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Do you?- He put on her dress and went down to the bar, didn't he?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56He did. He absolutely did.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Of course, wearing a dress makes it so much easier to dip your testicles
0:10:59 > 0:11:01in someone's wine.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Does anybody know how many times it took Ozzy to pass
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- his driving test?- 14.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Higher.- 99.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Lower.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- 61.- It was actually 19 times.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17In one of his tests, he actually fell asleep in the middle of it.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21When he woke up, the examiner had gone.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24And so he left a note on the seat saying, "You have failed."
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's time now for the John/Ozzy.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34When Motley Crue opened for Osborne's Bark at the Moon tour in 1984,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37there was an incident involving ants.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So, for the John, can you tell me what happened?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I reckon... I'm sure...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Is it something like, something had melted, something sweet,
0:11:44 > 0:11:48and that meant there was a line of ants making their way across
0:11:48 > 0:11:50next to a swimming pool or something and he snorted a line of ants.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54He did indeed snort a line of ants.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well done. Yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59People will applaud, but they are just so horrified.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Let me complete the picture for you.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03He did in fact snort a line of ants with a straw,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06then urinated on the floor and licked it up...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12..before the waitress said, "Have you ever eaten at a Harvester before?"
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Congratulations, you get the John.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Good stuff, Miles.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24My word. Richard, your turn next.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Pick a John. You have got to choose from...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- I think bad John. - I'm happy with that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Happy with bad John? - We'll go for big bad John, please.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38All right, let's do it. You have picked...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Magna Carta signer King John.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Let's look at the stats.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00John was born in 1166, the youngest son of Henry II.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Why was he named John Lackland?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Is that because it was his dad's surname?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Is it because he didn't have any land?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09It is as prosaic as that, yes.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12He didn't have any land at all.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The dad divided up the inheritance between his elder brothers.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Any of you have any nicknames growing up?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yeah, my nickname was Richard Lack Scalextric.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26The worst thing now is you're going to get sent so many Scalextrics...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- IRONICALLY:- Oh, no.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34At the age of 18, John was made Lord of Ireland and was sent there
0:13:34 > 0:13:37to make sure everyone was still loyal to the King.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39When he arrived, him and his retinue
0:13:39 > 0:13:40were met by a number of Irish leaders.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43How is he said to have reacted to them?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh, did he...put his balls in their wine?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, no, he didn't slag off B*Witched, did he?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Worse than that. He had a dig at Andrea Corr.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53They were furious.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Absolutely furious. - Of all the Corrs to have a go at.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Jim Corr.- Jim, just for being there.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Poor Jim! - Do you know what Jim is up to now?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03He's a conspiracy theorist.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yeah, he thinks 9/11 was an inside job, Jim Corr.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Keep it light, anyway.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Oh, I met the drummer from Curiosity Killed The Cat.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Did you? - He makes conspiracy theory videos.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Yeah.- Do they need a tambourinist?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I think this is going to be...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20..a bit of beard pulling?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Yes, that's not an euphemism.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24He did. He laughed at them and he pulled their beards.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Basically straight out of the Boris Johnson playbook.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30And it's disrespectful or is it nice?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I quite enjoy it, it's nice, isn't it? It's pleasant.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Unbelievably pleasant.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Stay with us. Stay with us.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39No, but I don't... It reminds me of the stressful period I had
0:14:39 > 0:14:42when I was a child and I was lured to a branch
0:14:42 > 0:14:45of Costa Coffee to have an accordion audition for Shed Seven.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53John gained a very bad reputation by constantly raising taxes
0:14:53 > 0:14:55and treating his subjects very poorly.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57And his popularity was further damaged by his penchant
0:14:57 > 0:14:58for having loads of lovers.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01When his own wife, however, Isabella, took a lover,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- what did he do? - Was he pretty cool about it?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Well, I think he was the opposite of cool about it.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- OK.- So much so that what he did,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10he had the lover killed and his corpse strung up...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- The bed. - ..over her side of the bed.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Not just painful for her psychologically,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18but it also completely blocked her reading light.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- So, she was in bed...- He said, "You've got to be in bed with me."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24And then just dangled, sort of like that, over her.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26How did he do that?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Are you taking notes?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34It's time to play for the John.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Now, it's said John believed his prospects for getting to heaven were
0:15:36 > 0:15:40limited. So, what did he do to try and increase his chances?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Money related. - It's not money related.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46He didn't try and buy his way into heaven.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Did he try to lead a better life?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50No. He wasn't interested in that either.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52It was more superficial than that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Hurry through the stages of Purgatory, that was his vision.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56- Oh, no, no...- Faster...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Did he dress as an angel in the hope that he could just kind of sneak in?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Do you know what? I'll give you that.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04He dressed as a monk in the hope he would sneak in. Well done.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08You win the John.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Right, Josh, your turn.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Pick a John. You've got a choice
0:16:14 > 0:16:16of piratical John or TV John remaining.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17TV John, please.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19TV John for you.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21It's the reason we are all here tonight.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24TV pioneer John Logie Baird.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25So, let's look at the stats.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38John Logie Baird was born in 1888 in Helensburgh,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Dunbartonshire, Scotland,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43the youngest of four children of the parish vicar.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Of course, the main thing we know is that he was one of the first people
0:16:46 > 0:16:48to demonstrate the working television.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Or, as he originally called it, the televiser.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Who was the very first face on the televiser?
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Was it Clarkson?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Wasn't it his own face?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Not his own face. No, no, no.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It was a wooden puppet.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It was. It was a ventriloquist's dummy. Called Stookie Bill.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Here he is. Gosh.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10George Galloway.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17It was... So much heat was generated from the light that John Logie Baird
0:17:17 > 0:17:21couldn't use real people, so he used Stookie Bill instead.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I should say at this point Baird was a serial inventor.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25He tried his hand at everything and anything.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Presumably part of the Victorian sensibility, Kate,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29that people would just,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32creative people would just want to fire inventions out willy-nilly
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- and patents and all sorts. - Yeah, the Victorians didn't stop.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Because I think they were trying to go against the lazy Georgians.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"I'm just going to..." The Victorians, they had to write more,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43they had to do more. So you have all these mad, crazy inventors.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I mean, he wanted to make blow-up shoes, if you had flat feet.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47That is one of his ideas.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Blow-up shoes?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Blow-up shoes for the flat-footed.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I went out with a girl who had them and she popped her clogs.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And for that, "You know nothing, Richard,"
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I'm going to give you a bonus John there.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- There you go. You know what? - I'd love it, but it's a true story,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- it's very sad.- Back in England,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Baird concentrated on perfecting his idea for transmitting moving
0:18:13 > 0:18:16pictures, working on his prototype televiser.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Here it is. In 1926,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Baird first demonstrated his televiser to 40 members of the Royal
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Institute in Soho.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25According to Baird, it all went well,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27except for one incident involving an elderly gentleman,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29who'd volunteered to have his image transmitted.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- Does anybody know what happened to him?- His eyeballs were burnt.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- It's close.- Was it like in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39where Mike Teavee got shrunk and went very, very tiny?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41He did get... A bit of him did get sucked in.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Oh!- Beard.- Exactly that.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46His beard got sucked... He had a long, white beard.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51You gave me a slight clue by going, "A bit of him got sucked in."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53So, yes, his long white beard
0:18:53 > 0:18:57and it blew into the wheel of the mechanism.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58And according to Baird, he escaped
0:18:58 > 0:19:01with the loss of a certain amount of hair.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Sounds like the most painful encounter on TV,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06up until Len Goodman's Partners In Rhyme came along.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10It should be said that Baird was not working in isolation.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12There were rival inventors and Baird spent the next decade
0:19:12 > 0:19:15trying to get the BBC and Lord Reith to use the system.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17There's Lord Reith. A man who...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Ooh, he looks like he enjoys a laugh, that one.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22What did Lord Reith think of commercial television?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- What was his take on it? - He hated it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27He did. He thought it was equivalent to the introduction of smallpox,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30bubonic plague and the Black Death.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- That's what he said.- Channel Five...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And when they launched Channel Five...it was!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Eventually, they did test Baird's model, but it was in competition
0:19:37 > 0:19:39with EMI Marconi's version.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42And the latter was the one that was ultimately adopted by the BBC.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45All right, well, it's time to play for the John.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46This concerns early television.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50What did early presenters have to do before going on TV?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Was it like a thing, so the way they appeared, like...?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yes, it was something to do with their appearance.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Did they have to...? Was it like a version of make-up,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00but it's going to be something insane that you'd have to put on?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Did they have to wear green make-up?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06No, I'll give it to Josh. It was something about the make-up.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Essentially, contrast on TV, very, very poor in the early days.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11This is the make-up they had to wear
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- in order to look normal on television.- No!- Seriously.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15It's like an early doors Mel and Sue.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well done, Josh's team. You win the John.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Time now to fire up our John-flavoured fruit machine.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Each time I spin, up will pop three faces.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Our team must match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary John.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Also a chance to unearth some more candidates for greatest John of all time.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39And so, let's spin.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43We have... Star Wars and ET music composer John Williams.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Wild country singer Johnny Cash.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49And the Duke himself, cowboy actor John Wayne.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53The question is, which John was the first man in America to get the news
0:20:53 > 0:20:56of Stalin's death?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Josh, your team are going to go first on this.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00That is... I don't know anything about John Williams really.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03He's married to... He was married to Stalin's wife, wasn't he?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Yes, famously.- And he used to have a job receiving messages.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07But other than that...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Oh, I think John Wayne was heavily involved...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It was, it was John Wayne.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I think...John Wayne was heavily involved...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18You said it.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Sorry. I'm going to take a punt on this one.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I think John Wayne was heavily involved with McCarthyism
0:21:25 > 0:21:27in Hollywood.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- And so maybe...- You think he was an anti-communist?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32He was an anti-communist.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37And so I think maybe he would have had his ear to the ground with the
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Communist Party of Russia.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- It makes no sense.- You've got it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42So you're going to go with John Wayne?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It doesn't make sense, but I think it's the right answer.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Yeah.- You're going for John Wayne.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Richard's team, what do you think? - What do you think, Roisin?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I think we suspect it might be John Wayne.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53But if it's not, it will be all the sweeter.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Imagine if they just decided Stalin died and they went,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"We need to tell the world," and they went, "Oh, Johnny Cash."
0:22:00 > 0:22:02He was famously a spy, wasn't he?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That is what Cash In The Attic is about.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Shall we go for Johnny Cash? - You're going to go for Johnny Cash.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Let's see the right answer.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12It is Johnny Cash!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Superb work.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21During his time in the US Air Force,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Cash rose to the rank of Staff Sergeant
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and showed considerable skill at Morse code.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28He was given the key post of monitoring Soviet communications
0:22:28 > 0:22:31and on March the 5th, 1953,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34he became the first American to receive news of Stalin's death.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Well done. You've won the John, Richard's team.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38APPLAUSE
0:22:42 > 0:22:44So, let's spin again.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46We have...
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Beatles legend John Lennon,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Middle Earth mythman JRR Tolkien.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53And crazy funster and madcap politician John Major.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58The question is, which John went to a fancy-dress party with a friend
0:22:58 > 0:23:01both dressed as polar bears?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- We're going to start with Richard. - Oh, OK.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I think it's John Major.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Who would he go with? Heseltine.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Oh. No, he'd go as a lion.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Maybe it was a Lion King... Is there a polar bear in Lion King?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15No.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Although, when you are Tolkien,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21there were probably less costumes for fancy dress parties.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23That's true. And so you've got your polar bear rug
0:23:23 > 0:23:25that your Victorian explorer friend has shot.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Exactly. Because you couldn't go as the Chuckle Brothers or something
0:23:29 > 0:23:31back in those days because they weren't around yet.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Shall we say John Major?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I feel like I've gone full circle now
0:23:35 > 0:23:37without anything you said about Tolkien, so...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Tolkien. Shall we go Tolkien? We think it's JRR Tolkien.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43All right. You're going to go for JRR Tolkien.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45How about you guys, Josh's team?
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I don't think it's remarkable enough to be John Lennon.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51No. But I'm not sure about Tolkien.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Because him and CS Lewis, they used to go everywhere dressed as coyotes,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- didn't they?- And it's a bit...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Yeah, in the summer, they did, Miles.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He wanted to know... You know how John Major,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07he thought his Cabinet was plotting against him.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08And maybe he thought,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"If I turn up at a party dressed as a polar bear and I go,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"'I'm not John Major, but what do you think of him...?'"
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Yeah.- Or what if he was in Cabinet and he walked into Cabinet one day.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18"John is not here. Don't mind that.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"They're doing a documentary about London Zoo."
0:24:20 > 0:24:22So, who do you think it was?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I think it's John Major going undercover to find out what people
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- really thought of him.- All right.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Is that OK with you two?- I'd be amazed if that's the reason, but...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I'm happy.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34..the right answer. I think he did it for perverse gratification.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Sue.- Let's see what the right answer was.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It was indeed JRR Tolkien.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Well done.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53He and fellow writer CS Lewis went to a party dressed as polar bears.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55That's the best way to pick up a penguin.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Well done, Richard, you win the John.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Congratulations.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Right, everybody. Let's play Finish The Fact.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I'm going to start by reading out a John-based nugget and you buzz in
0:25:10 > 0:25:12when you think you know how it ends.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14First up, wrestler John Cena.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Is it he turned up at the wrong WWF
0:25:19 > 0:25:21and had to fight an endangered rhino?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Even though wrestling is just running around in your pants?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Essentially. - Yes, not a proper sport, is it?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Wait a minute, running around in your pants is not a proper sport?!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Who is paying me, then?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- He was suffering from food poisoning.- Oh!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Roisin.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48He simultaneously did that.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Did he... Did he go off at both ends,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56creating a sort of amazingly pleasing sprinkler effect?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Absolutely delighted the watching public.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I call it my brown rainbow.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05He did... He did simultaneously vomit and soil his pants.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- No!- He did.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- That didn't... - It did. It was definitely a loss of control in the ring.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- I will...- Hey, hey. - Let me give you the facts.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15He knew he was going to be ill.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18He rolled off the platform and asked the timekeeper
0:26:18 > 0:26:19where he could be sick.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22He was told to go underneath the ring itself and according to Cena,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"I went under the ring and puked and everyone knew it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"But as I was puking, I crapped my pants."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Well done, because, Josh's team, you win the John.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Congratulations.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Next up, tantrummy tennis legend John McEnroe.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Miles, I'm going to go with you first.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Is it to spend the night with Robert Redford?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Sally?- Was it to play Billie Jean King?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57What, in a film?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- Against Billie Jean King... - No, that was Bobby, Bobby Riggs,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02you're thinking of. Yeah, Bobby Riggs, yeah.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Miles.- Was it to just calm down?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Was it to... Did he get the job of playing tambourine
0:27:12 > 0:27:14in Ned's Atomic Dustbin?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16He did not. I'm afraid he didn't.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19It was to play tennis against Serena Williams.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It was to play either of the Williams sisters...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26By increments, depending on how much
0:27:26 > 0:27:29women's clothing he was prepared to wear.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34What kind of turmeric-faced Weetabix-haired numpty could have
0:27:34 > 0:27:35possibly wanted that?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Oh! Donald Trump. - Indeed, Donald Trump.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Well done. He put up the money.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Well done, Josh, you win the John.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And so we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you
0:27:49 > 0:27:52tonight's winners with the most number of Johns are...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Josh's team. Well done!
0:28:02 > 0:28:03So...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06A big moment, Josh,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08you get the magnificent honour of picking the greatest John
0:28:08 > 0:28:09of all time.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Josh, who are you going to pick? - It is very simple,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14but because it was the best fact tonight,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I think we're going to go with the man who found out Stalin had died,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Johnny Cash.- A great choice.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Very worthy choice.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Right, let's put him on the Insert Name Here Hall of Fame.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Up he goes and I hereby declare
0:28:29 > 0:28:33that the best John of all time is the wonderful Johnny Cash.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34There he is.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Thanks to all our guests. Special thanks to all the Johns here,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43there and everywhere. Thanks to you, more importantly,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45at home for watching. Thanks and goodnight.