0:00:08 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- TANNOY:- Bonsoir et bienvenue a bord ce train SNCF a destination de
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Bourg-Saint-Maurice qui arrivera a sept heures quarante demain matin.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- HE FARTS - Schuldigung.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42HE GROANS
0:01:49 > 0:01:53HE COUGHS AND RETCHES
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Ach, verdammter Mist!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Could you close the window, please?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Eh?- Schliessen Sie das Fenster, bitte.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28HE COUGHS
0:02:35 > 0:02:36MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
0:02:45 > 0:02:49MAN AND WOMAN MOAN WITH PLEASURE
0:02:50 > 0:02:53HE CHUCKLES
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, de-da-de-da-de-da...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04SERIES OF WET FARTS
0:03:12 > 0:03:14HE WHEEZES
0:03:20 > 0:03:23HE SNORES
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Oh, it's here, look.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Where?- Here. Number nine.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Oh, God, there's people in here already.- So?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- They're asleep. - It's a sleeper train.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What do you expect them to be doing? Playing ping pong?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Keep your voice down. Sorry.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- Er, I'll just put these away. - Well, what about these?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Don't want them all creased up for the wedding.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Well, hang them up. Find the ticket, see which ones are ours.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07ZIP BUZZES
0:04:09 > 0:04:12ZIP SLOWLY CLICKS APART
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Just get on with it, would you? I'm trying to sleep.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Yeah, sorry.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Here, they've got sinks for brushing your teeth -
0:04:39 > 0:04:41but the water's brown.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I don't trust it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Which one's ours?- I can't see.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- I'll put the big light on. - Les!- Oh!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I think it's these top two, but there's someone in that one.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Oh, you're joking...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Well, it's all right, we'll just take these two.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- No, I want to go on the top! - Les, you're not six!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's the only thing I was looking forward to.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What, more than your daughter's wedding?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Let's just wake him up.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04No! I've already disturbed this gentleman.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08We'll both go in this one, if you're that fussed. Be an adventure.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It's not The Crystal Maze, you know?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12What did she want to get married in France for, anyway?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Could have had the back room at the Cheese for free.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Because she wanted to wake up in the French mountains, Les,
0:05:18 > 0:05:19not in a pub garden in Bury.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22They'd have put on a good spread.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And they'd have an artist on at the night do.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25They'll do a good spread here.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27You're in France, cuisine capital of the world.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Yeah, well, I'm not eating frogs' legs.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh, shut up about that. You have crab's dicks.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33What?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You - you eat crab's dicks in the pub.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38That's "crab sticks", you idiot. What's a crab's dick?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Well, I don't know. I thought they were big.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Would you be quiet, please?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Sorry, love. We're just sorting ourselves out.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Yeah... No...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Oh, me too, babe. I absolutely stink.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Haven't had a shower since Prague. SHE CHUCKLES
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Oh, fuck knows.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Hold on...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I'll ask someone.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Excuse me, does anyone know what country we're in?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You're in France, love.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Oh, my God, we're in France!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12What happened to Austria? SHE LAUGHS
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Yeah, right...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Hold on, hold on...
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'm going to go out in the corridor.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Yeah, I'm in the, er, couchette.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25No, it's like a room.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Yeah...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Basically a hostel on wheels. It's so fucked.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- No...- Could you close the door, please?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Excuse me?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Excuse me!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Ridiculous!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Come on, let's get undressed. - Ah, yeah.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oof!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Ow!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12You...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15What you doing? I can't...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'm just trying to help!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Shh!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What are you doing? Get your head out!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It's no good. We'll have to wake him up.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40No!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41There's no room!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Hey, excuse me. - Was? Was ist...?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Er, you're in our bed.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- Huh?- Er...you are in my wife's bed.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Ja?- Ja.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Is that OK?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Ja, warum nicht? Komm...
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Oh, no, no, no, no, not with you. You have to go down.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Ja, das klingt gut, ja.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Don't give him any ideas.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09No, er, here...
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Er, er... 9D.
0:08:15 > 0:08:169D.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Sie sind in dem falschen Bett. Sie mussen bewegen!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Was hat das mit Ihnen zu tun, ha?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Sie haben die Fahrkarte!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Was fur einen Unterschied macht das? Ich bin schon im Bett!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Weil ich nicht schlafen kann!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30We've started World War Three here.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Das ist lacherlich, verdammt lacherlich.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Hey, watch those suits, pal.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- The suits! Ignorant.- Les!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Well, look at him - Barbapapa.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Thank you, sir.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42We don't mean to cause a fuss,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44but it's better to get it sorted, isn't it?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Look, I have a very important interview tomorrow morning.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48We have 8 hours and 42 minutes
0:08:48 > 0:08:51before we arrive in Bourg-Saint-Maurice.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I should like to spend the majority of that time sleeping!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Yeah, so would we. Sorry.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Go on, Les, shift yourself.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Oh, why do I have to go in? It's all sweaty and horrible.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04The gentleman's just told you he's trying to get some sleep.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I'm going to hang these suits up first, aren't I?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Hey, hey, hey! These are for our daughter's wedding.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Verpiss dich!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18HE FARTS Ah, you pig!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Oh, please!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- I'll be quiet now.- Ah!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43HE SNIFFS
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Oh, it stinks!
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Night-night.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Night-night.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09INTERMITTENT BEEPS
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Les!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I know, it's my travel alarm.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Turn it off.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Only lasts 30 seconds. Be over soon.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23ALARM BEEPS RAPIDLY
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Not long, now.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36CONSTANT BEEPS
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Les! - BEEPING STOPS
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Told you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Just down here.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Excellent.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03This is actually much nicer than first class.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Seriously?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yeah. It's a lot more real, if you know what I mean?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Here.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17This actually reminds me of a hostel I stayed in, out in Phuket.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19The toilets were disgusting.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I love all that shit. Have you done India?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Oh, yeah, it was awesome. I got hepatitis.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Really? A or B?- Only A.- Oh.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Still, my friend Callum got typhoid in Mumbai.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34His parents had to pay for an air ambulance to get him out.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35It was like The Killing Fields.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Shit! Was he OK?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Yeah. He lost, like, 3st. He was really pleased.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41He was a bit of a blob.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45So, um...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48What are your impressions of Europe, so far?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Oh, I just love all the history and buildings and stuff.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Mm, what have you seen?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Um, what's the one in Belgium, of the little boy with his dick out?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Le Mannekin Pis.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Er, designed by Hieronimus Duquesnoy in 1688, I think.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Yeah, I climbed over the railings
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and got a picture of it pissing in my mouth.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Wow, you're so vile - I love you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Well, if someone lends me their toilet paper, I'm anybody's.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- There's plenty more where that came from. - THEY LAUGH
0:12:16 > 0:12:18GROAN
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting there's other people in here.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Shall we go to your carriage?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Er... No, actually, it's better here, yeah.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27It's a right giggle.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It is now you're here.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Mmm, barbecue sauce.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37So erm, how have you found the men, from country to country?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Not that I'm implying you're a slag. Or maybe you are.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41I don't know?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45No, I am. You could say I've covered a lot of ground.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Ah, OK. Who comes out on top?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Well, that depends
0:12:48 > 0:12:52whether we're in the marshy wetlands or the arid desert.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Can't actually think of a desert in Europe,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56other than Tabernas in Spain.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58No, I meant up the shitter.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Right, good.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Are you much of an explorer?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Er, well... I can be quite adventurous.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Pot-holing in Derbyshire was properly intense.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12So you're used to going in pretty deep, then?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Ah, it depends how cavernous we're talking.- Ooh!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride!
0:13:19 > 0:13:20- HE YELPS - What's the matter?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- SHE SCREAMS - Oh, my God!
0:13:23 > 0:13:24What's going on?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26He's dead!
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Someone put t'big light on.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What's going on? Who are you?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I...I was just having a nightcap with...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Sorry, I forgot your name.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Shona.- Shona. When, er... this chap fell out of the sky.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Get out of my way. I'm a doctor.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Was ist passiert? Sind wir schon angekommen?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Dieser Mann ist aus dem Bett gefallen.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45I thought he was very quiet.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Is he all right, bud?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51He's dead.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Shittington.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56He appears to have some sort of lesion or blister on his face.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Could be erysipelas.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Oh, God, sorry. No, that's...mine.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'll just keep that, take that for later.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Fingers crossed, eh?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06What do we do?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'll go and find a guard. Everyone stay here.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Don't let anyone in or out.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14HE COUGHS AND RETCHES
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, ich fuhle mich schrecklich.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- What's he say?- I don't know, something about Shrek.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Ah, I thought he looked a bit green. - Oh, it was awful.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25He was staring at me with these horrible glazed eyes.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Sorry, it's just my sex face.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Do you want to come up here, love, out of the way of it?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Yeah, thanks.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Right, well, I'd better be heading back to first class, so...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Oi, oi, hang on, pal. Hang on.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41That fella said we've got to wait here till the guard comes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Oh, I just didn't want to get... Shirley?- Shona.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Shona... Shona... into any trouble.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Late-night romps et cetera.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Is that what you were doing? In a room full of people?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I'm sure you would have just slept through it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You know about that, Kath.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57THEY LAUGH
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Hey, what's he doing? Hey, hey! What's the idea, pal?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Ich suche einen Reisepass.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Here, get your fingers out of him.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Er muss ein Grossvater gewesen sein.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Oh, he had grandkids - look.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19His poor family. They don't even know yet.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Hey, it's like we're the kids in Stand By Me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Bags I'm River Phoenix.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Good film.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Couldn't find anybody. All the carriages are closed.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, they're never around when you need them, are they?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37There has to be someone - it's not Runaway Train.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Ich hatte einen Vorschlag. Warum benutzen wir nicht den hier?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, vielleicht ist das nicht geboten.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Was meinst du mit geboten? Der Mann ist tot!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48What are you saying? Speak English.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50He's proposing we use the emergency stop.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Ja, genau.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Can I do that? I've always wanted to smash one of them.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Oh, don't cut your hands.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56No, I won't,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58cos I'm going to use one of your shoes.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Hey, I got them from Next!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I haven't got a ticket!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- What?- Can't stop the train - I don't have a ticket.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I'm sort of a stowaway.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Was ist los?- Er hat keine Fahrkarte.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Tun Sie, was Sie wollen. Ich brauche mein Bett.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16You told me you were in first class.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Sorry, I lied.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- I'm completely broke. - You bastard!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22So what, you just hang around the toilets,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25waiting for an Australian slapper to offer you a bed, is that it?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Yeah, pretty much.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Well, listen - I'm sorry, pal, I'm smashing it.- Oh...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31We've got a dead body here.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Well, I have to declare an interest.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Tomorrow morning, I have an interview
0:16:36 > 0:16:38at the World Health Organization in Geneva.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39What do you want, a round of applause?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Well, if we stop the train, there will be a major delay
0:16:42 > 0:16:43and I will miss my appointment,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46an appointment that it's taken me 18 months to arrange.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47What are you saying here?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Well, this man has been dead for at least four hours.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Another three or four will not make any difference.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54What, you want to just leave him there?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Well, I propose we put him back to bed,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59continue the journey without delay and have the guards
0:16:59 > 0:17:01find the poor gentleman first thing tomorrow morning.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, that doesn't sound right.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Don't they have to examine the body, like a Quincy?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Exactly, yeah. They have to find out the cause of death.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Apparently, when you hang yourself, you get an erection.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Sorry, irrelevant.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17There's nothing we can do for him. It's probably a heart attack.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19It really would mean the world to me
0:17:19 > 0:17:22if we could just finish this journey without interruption.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Sorry, am I going mad here?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Are you suggesting we all just bunk up with a rotting corpse,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29so you can make your interview in the morning?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yeah, it's ridiculous. Smash the glass, Les.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Right, er...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39We have got our Leanne's wedding tomorrow.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I mean, what if he's right and we end up late?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Well, the day do's not until 12, we'll easily make that.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Will we, though? What if they don't let anyone off?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50He rolled out of bed dead, it's not Murder On The Orient Express!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Oh, another good film.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'm fairly confident that if we do alert the authorities,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58we both will miss our respective engagements.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Exactly! Look, they'll find him in a couple of hours, anyway.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04We'll be gone and that's that.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05I have to say I agree.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Good. Well, I'll just explain the situation to our German friend,
0:18:10 > 0:18:11so we're all on the same page.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, come on, Kath. We've come all this way.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19We don't want to let our Leanne down.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Will you give us a minute, please, love?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Sure.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Do you want a hand?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Are you still here?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Why don't you go back to first class?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Well, I thought, now that there's a spare bunk going,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I might as well get my head down for a couple of hours.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41What?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Unless you want to pick up from where we left off?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47That's been on a dead man's face.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Have some respect.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51S...sorry. Too soon.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I can't believe what I'm hearing, Les.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I don't know who you are. Who are you?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Oh, look, I'm just a man who wants to walk his daughter
0:18:58 > 0:19:00down the aisle on her wedding day.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Yeah, having slept with a dead body the night before!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Been doing that for the last 25 years.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07It was a joke.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Oh, come on, Kath. If that Aussie bird hadn't've screamed,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13you have slept through and been none the wiser.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15We don't even know who the man is.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Makes no difference to us.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Imagine if that was you,
0:19:19 > 0:19:20slung in a corner and ignored
0:19:20 > 0:19:22because it's more convenient for everybody else.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Shame on you, Les Cook!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Yeah, do you not think you're overreacting?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28No, I think I've just woken up.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Ich hoffe, Sie fuhlen sich besser. - Ja.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Is he all right?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yes, just a little bit compacted, that's all.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Too much beer and bratwurst, probably.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39That should get him moving again.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Now, I really do think we ought to put the cadaver
0:19:42 > 0:19:44back where we found it.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Cadaver? He was a human being, you know?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Sorry?- He had a family.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51He's not a piece of meat.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Ah, yes, of course... Would anyone like to say a few words?
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Yeah, I would.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02This man...
0:20:02 > 0:20:06was a husband, a father and a grandfather.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09He always had a smile for everyone...
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and he had a wicked sense of humour.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Well, I mean... We don't actually know that.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I'm going by the picture.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21He loved sitting in his green chair,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23his family all around him.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Yeah, he loved to drink - who doesn't?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28But the main thing is...
0:20:29 > 0:20:30..he was a man.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33That's it.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- APPLAUSE - Great.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Ah, good. Well, shall we, er...?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45That's it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Oh! Not my first time handling a stiff.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Boarding school.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01There, and that leaves 3 hours and 52 minutes.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Good. Er, could you, um, get the light, please, Mrs, um...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Cook.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Thank you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Well, good night.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Shirley, did we decide to...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Fuck off.- OK, right.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Hope you don't mind a bit of spooning, pal.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55HE SNORES
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Night, Kath.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Kath?
0:22:22 > 0:22:23You all right?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's been a very moving service.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Even the wedding cake was in tiers.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Er, yes... Leanne has known Phil for 14 years now,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51which is funny, because I don't remember her breaking two mirrors.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Shhh!
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Oh, soz, mate, soz. I'm, er...practising me speech.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Oh... Getting a bit nervous.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Big day for both of us, eh? What's your interview for?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Pharmaceutical development.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oh, right.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09The WHO are offering a sizable grant
0:23:09 > 0:23:13for research into the degenerative effects of angina.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18If my bid is chosen, it could be life-changing.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Yeah, that's exactly like me and my decorating.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25When I give a quote for... well, back bedrooms, say,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I've got to think, you know, "What's the other fella coming in at
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"and how can I undercut him without looking like a twat?"
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Do you know what I mean?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Yes, it's...similar.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Well, good luck, pal. I hope you get it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I'm optimistic.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44My Auntie Gladys had acute angina.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Her tits weren't bad either. HE CHUCKLES
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Hey, do you remember that, Kath?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54K...Kath? Where's she gone?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Ah!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Ah! Scheisse!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01HE FARTS
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- You OK?- Has anyone seen our Kath? She's just disappeared.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Get him off me!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh, Mann, ich muss scheissen.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Er, sorry, love, have you seen me wife?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- No, what's happened? - She stopped this train!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14She wouldn't do that.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- What are you doing? - Ich muss scheissen!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Do you need the toilet? - Someone get him some paper.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Ah, nein! - HE FARTS
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Hold on!- There's something on the tracks...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Hey, that's our Kath's shoe box. - What is it?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I can't... Looks like a body.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30What? Who?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32If she's jumped, we'll be here for hours.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33BOWEL TREMBLE
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- God, no!- It's not her, is it? - I can't see.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Of course it's her. The stupid cow's cost me my job!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Shut up, you! This is all your fault!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43OK, keep still. Here it comes!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- SQUELCH - Oh!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Stay away from me!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I can see they're bringing it out.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Oh!- Try and aim away from the dead man's face!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I can see blood!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55So can I!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Oh, you bastard!- Leave me alone!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59We're going to need a bigger box!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01It's...it's a deer.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Les, what's happening?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07And what is that smell?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You might need to get some new shoes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Well, that was just a 32-minute delay.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Not too bad at all.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Try saying that to all the little fawns
0:25:27 > 0:25:28who've just lost their mother.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I'm sorry, I don't speak deer. I'm not Dr Dolittle.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Well, you are to me.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Is he OK?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yeah, he's just hosing himself down.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43God, that was pretty traumatic.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yeah, he must be mortified.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47No, I meant for me.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48I felt like Augustus Gloop.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Thanks for lending me the T-shirt.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52No worries.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I don't know how I'm going to get it back to you.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Well...
0:25:58 > 0:25:59where are you headed to next?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I thought I'd lost you there, Kath.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Don't be daft.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07I'm not going to kill myself on the day of me daughter's wedding, am I?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09You're feeling better about it now?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13We've robbed that man of dignity in his final moments
0:26:13 > 0:26:15and for that, I will never forgive myself.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19You're not going to say anything, are you?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20No.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22But after the wedding,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I want you to find out who that man was,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26where his family live, and we're going to go to the funeral.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- That's what I want.- Right.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Who's paying for that?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Right, well, we're off.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Enjoy the wedding.- Oh, thanks, love.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Hey, it's at the Pavilion Hotel in Vallandry,
0:26:39 > 0:26:40if you wanted to pop in for a drink.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Ah, no. I think we're going to go exploring, aren't we?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Yeah.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Can't wait to see those valleys.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Is someone going to...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Yes, I'll inform the guard. Nice to meet you.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- TANNOY:- Mesdames et messieurs,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06nous arrivons bientot a Bourg-Saint-Maurice...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Well, er... Good luck with the interview.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Oh, thank you.- I hope you get it. - Yes, yes.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And if you ever need any decorating doing...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Ah, yes, I have your card.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18PHONE RINGS
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Hello?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Come on, Les.- Yes.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23'This is Dr Maxwell?'
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Yes, this is Dr Maxwell.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27'I am your driver. I am at the car park.'
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Ah, yes... We're just pulling into the station now.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Sorry about the delay.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35'We're also waiting for the other candidate, a Dr Meyer.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37'He's on the same train.'
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Really? Well, I'll keep my eye open for him.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42See you shortly.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I'm terribly sorry about all this,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49but there really could only ever be one candidate for this grant.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Goodbye, Dr Meyer.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Ja?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- Bitte?- Ich bin Dr Meyer.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Nein, nein, er ist Dr Meyer.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Nein, das bin ich.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05No, no, Dr Meyer was in 9B...
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Neun B...
0:28:07 > 0:28:08I checked.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Ich kann uberall schlafen.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Vielen dank fur die Hilfe,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15ich fuhle mich jetzt viel besser.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- Ach, gut, I...- Ich habe heute ein wichtiges Interview.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Yes, so do I...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Ah, Dr Maxwell!
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Sehr gut!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Unser Auto ist hier, ja?
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Ja.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Also, wie sagt man auf Englisch?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33"May the best man win"!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36DR MEYER LAUGHS
0:28:39 > 0:28:42TRAIN BRAKES SCREECH