0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:06and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:21 > 0:00:24He said, "I don't bother with the Grand National any more.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28"Last year, my horse started at 33-1 at Aintree and ended up as
0:00:28 > 0:00:31"two for one at ASDA!" LAUGHTER
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- Excuse me. Could we get the bill, please?- Of course.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Anyway, like I was saying, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- No, it was later than that.- Eh? - Yes, it was after Diana had died.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- What's she got to do with it? - I just remember.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49All right, well, '99, whatever.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52And the Professor here had worked out if we put this
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- accumulator on seven races, we could have made... What was it, Archie? - Half a million.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Half a million.- Well, it wasn't half a million. It was 469,000.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02All right. Fucking hell. We're not to the nearest quid, are we?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Kevin, will you stop interrupting my flow?- Yeah, sorry.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07So, we all had to pick seven horses and put
0:01:07 > 0:01:09a tenner each in the diddlum.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11The what?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13The diddlum.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- What's a diddlum?- The diddlum! It's a wotsit where you all chip in.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- It's the diddlum. You never heard of a diddlum?- No.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- It's where you pay in a bit each week.- It's a savings scheme.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28Like a northern thing? You know, "Put tha' money in't diddlum and buy some whippets and barm cakes and..."
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Sorry, go on.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34So, anyway, we'd all put in our diddlum money and chose a horse each for the first round.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- You had, what was it? Hoof Hearted? - Hoof Hearted, 3-1, second favourite.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Prof chose some fancy writer thing. Outrageous...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Outrageous Fortune.- That's it, after the Bette Midler film.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Shakespeare. - And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-1.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- See? Clever boy, back the outsider.- Exactly!
0:01:50 > 0:01:51To push the winnings up.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Do you know who said that? Helen Keller.- Going for Gold.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That's Henry Kelly!
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Yeah, sorry.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- So, anyway, what happened next, I gave the diddlum money to Archie... - He didn't.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- I did!- He says he did, but he was found...- No, let me finish!
0:02:09 > 0:02:14- He was found in the hospitality area...- Rubbish!- ..with two dolly birds and a full English breakfast.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- Slightly the worse for wear.- Well, I was upset that Diana had died! - And he'd spent the lot.- No!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- Yeah, kerching.- What? Diddled the diddlum?- He did indeed.- Malcolm! - So, just be warned, Craig,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Excuse me, Archie! People in glass houses!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Shouldn't throw stones.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40No, they should throw sex parties with strippers. LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:42So, come on, then. What happened then?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- No, don't tell me. All the horses came in, right?- Yeah, exactly.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Half a million down the drain. - Well, 469,000.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. It's only money in't it, Craig? Not worth falling out over.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: - Here you go, gentlemen.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- I hope you enjoy your meal.- It was lovely, thanks.- Excuse me, darling. Can we get some mints?- Please?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03You know, the mints in the bowl by the till, just to cleanse the palate.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Oh, no, the kitchen boy will cleanse the palate.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08No, no. Not plates.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11The palate. You know? The palate.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I mean the mints. In the mouth. Sucky-sucky.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Oh, sorry. Yes. I'll get you some. It's my first day. So...
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- Well, she's not getting a tip. - I wouldn't mind giving her MY tip.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- What are you doing, asking for piss-mints?- Eh?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Piss-mints by the till. - Why are they piss-mints?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Because people come out the bogs, they don't wash their hands
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- and then they dip in for a mint on the way past.- No!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- People aren't animals.- They are, actually. They did a test.- Exactly.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They tested a bowl, they found 15 different types of piss.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41What do you mean - different types of piss?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- There aren't different types of piss!- There are! Like fine wines!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Jesus Christ! I can't wait to get back to Chiswick.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Yeah, because London piss is like sparkling water,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- you just drink it straight back down again.- Pretty much, yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Well, I'm just telling you, mints in northern restaurants,
0:03:54 > 0:03:59- they're all drenched in piss. - And faecal matter.- There you go, I give you big handful.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Look at them, Craig! You not going to cleanse your palate, then?- Er...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05No, I think I'll take them for the kids.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- How many kids do you have, Craig? - I've got two.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10It's half-term, so they come up with the au pair.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- I told them it was a safari, but with poor people.- Hey!
0:04:12 > 0:04:16There's plenty of lolly swilling around up here, you know. As long as you know where to look for it.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- And your wife, is she...?- Divorced.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Best three-quarter of a million pound I ever spent.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Really?- Yeah.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Why is a wife like a hand grenade?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Remove the ring and boom, your house has gone. LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:32That's a terribly expensive business.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Do you know why it's so expensive, Kevin?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Because it's worth it. CHUCKLING
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Talking of unseemly squabbles about money,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44let's have a little look at this bill.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50- Well, there's my contribution, including a 10% service charge.- 10?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You tight bastard! Give her 15, like a normal human being!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- 10 is industry standard. - What industry? She's slopping plates
0:04:56 > 0:04:59round for a room full of fat pigs!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Honestly, Kevin! Give it here, Craig. I'm going to get this.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- No, Malcolm.- No way, that's not right.- Shut up, I am. It's on me.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You got it last time, let me get this one.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Get off, I'm paying it. How much is it? Ooh, Jesus Christ! Go on, then!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Joking! I'm joking! I don't mind, honestly.- No, I'm not having that.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- I invited Craig along. I was going to pay for him anyway.- So what?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Craig's my friend. You can't play with him! Don't be so childish, Archie.- I'm not being childish.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- You're the one who's being childish. - Hey, it doesn't matter.- It does. You're messing it up. It's not fair.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Guys, listen, I'm getting it. - No!- No!- Yes!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I'm going back to civilisation soon. I know that all you northerners are very poor,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- what with your Christmas clubs and your diddums...- Diddlums.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41So, I'd like to treat you all, please. No arguments!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Well, thank you, Craig. That's very kind of you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Bloody hell, Kevin! That was quick. You thanked him before he'd even offered!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Doesn't miss a trick, does he? - No, I offered to pay my way.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Yeah, like the time you offered me petrol money for that league game in Otley!
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- That was based on mileage as the crow flies, divided by the four of us.- £2!- It was mathematically sound!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yeah, all in coppers!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Right, shall I split you four ways? - No.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02No, but I wouldn't mind splitting you four ways.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05No, I'm getting this. It's been very nice to meet you, Craig.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08You played very well tonight, the pair of you beat Kevin and I
0:06:08 > 0:06:13fair and square, so Victoribus Spolia, to the victor, the spoils.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Well, I won't argue with you, Malcs. - I'm sorry, Malcolm.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- That is bullshit!- Eh?- We've never played that before, loser pays!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- It's a very dangerous precedent to set.- It's not a precedent.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I would like to pay for your meals. Put it all on this, please.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No, put on this, please. I insist.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31All right, calm down. You'll give yourself a heart attack. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- It's just important to me, all right?- Thank you, Archie.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- That's very kind.- Bloody hell!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Never realised that badminton was so competitive.- It's not competitive.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46It's just that Malcolm is overgenerous at times, aren't you, Malc? This is my treat, everybody.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- You can get the next one.- Sorry, it's run out of paper. I'll be back.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55IMITATES ACCENT: I'll be back!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Terminator.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Very clever, Archie. Very clever trick. I can see what you're doing.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- What do you mean? - Letting me get the next one, which is, oh, let me think,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- wives and girlfriends night at Browns.- So?- So, it'll be double the price, won't it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Even more, if your Susie puts it away like she did at the
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Christmas do!- Malcolm! - All those mojitos!
0:07:14 > 0:07:18You shouldn't bring Susie into it, Malcolm. That's wrong.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I like the sound of Susie!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Has she got a sister?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Anyway, it's fine. You just get this little starter.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I'll pay for the proper grown-up meal next time. Well done.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Fine, I'll get the next one as well, if you're keeping track. - No-one's keeping track.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36You clearly are, if you're thinking one ahead. It hadn't occurred to me what the next one was.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Why don't you just split it, then?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Eh?- Why don't you just split it two ways? Then no-one loses face.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Who's losing face? I'm not losing face.- Why two ways anyway?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Why not three ways?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Fine, fine. If Craig wants... - I meant with you!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Jesus! What a blue cock!- What's a blue cock?- A tight-fisted wanker.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Ha! That's good! I'm having that!- No, no.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Listen, I'm happy to pay my way. I've already demonstrated that.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, put your little purse away, Ebenezer.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02We don't need your shrapnel.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Do you want me to pay or not?- Yeah, three ways! So we can treat Craig!
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- It's not necessary.- Fine! Well, I don't drink and I didn't have a starter, so...- So what?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You contributed to the evening, to the company provided,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15not what's in your belly! He always does this!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- No, it's just that I know all these menus...- Kids' menus!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21That is not the point and I know exactly what I'm going to have before I come out.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And I like to have the requisite funds about my person.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28I don't have the same resources as you, do I? I have to be careful.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Careful?! He's got two houses in Clitheroe!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Well, they're flats and one of them's got my mother in it, so... - And how much rent do you charge her?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- None of your business! - Bloody hell! I was joking!
0:08:36 > 0:08:41He's that mean, when he takes a tenner out of his wallet, the Queen blinks in the light!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44No, it's that I don't think it's fair that I end up subsidising other people's...
0:08:46 > 0:08:47What?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Gluttony!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Are you directing that at me, Kevin?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Are you directing that at me? Cos this is glandular!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Right. So, it was, Mr Simkins...? - Yes.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59No, no, guys, honest.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- I've got this.- Now, put it away. - No. Please! I'd really like to!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I'll pay.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I'd like to pay the whole bill, please.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Kevin, that is...so generous of you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Are you sure?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It's fine.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Perhaps you could all put in for the tip.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32- Well, wonders never cease.- Oh, and I have these vouchers for 50% off.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- What?!- Whoa, whoa, whoa! 50% off?!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Yes, I got them from a coupon website. - You were going to let ME pay for it?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Well, I was saving them for another time.- What other time? You never go out!- I'm sorry, Kevin.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45If you're paying for dinner, you're paying for dinner. None of this coupon shit!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- They are out of date anyway. I'm sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52They're like your condoms, Kevin! Use by January 2000!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Get your pound notes out with Isaac Newton on the back!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I'm sorry about that. I was just... Let me...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Oh...- Ah...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I come back in a minute.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Um... Can I offer you guys to be shot, or something?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Sorry?- She means a free drink.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Oh, yes. Thank you.- Oh, that made his eyes light up, look.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16- Got any Limoncello?- Please?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It's a liqueur.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Lick your what? Sorry?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It's a drink.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Um, I will check. I'll be back.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You wait, she'll come back with a lemon and a cello!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I was dreading this week. One boring seminar after another.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38If I hadn't met Archie, it would have been one long round of business lunches and hotel porn.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Don't sound too bad!
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- You guys, you made it bearable. So, please, let me get this.- No.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- I'm getting it, I'm just... - Leave it, Kevin! I'll get it!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- You're not getting it! I've told you!- Don't point at me, Malcolm.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Honestly, let me. It's no skin off my nose.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- We all know you're really rich. - What's that supposed to mean?- Hey, I don't care if he's Bill Gates.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00He played at our club, I'm club sec, I'm paying for his meal.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And there it is in a nutshell, Craig. You've been bought. Kerching.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Not this again. - I'm afraid so, Malcolm. This again.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- How many votes was it? Tell him. - I don't remember.
0:11:07 > 0:11:1017-5 and he's club secretary. I'd been there five years before him.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Don't dredge up old graves, Archie. It's unseemly.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- There was no funny business. - Who did you vote for, then? - You don't have to tell him, Kevin.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- It was anonymous. - You were seen, Kevin, a Garfunkel's lunch every day for a fortnight.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- That's not true!- Were you spying on us? Bloody hell!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- If you're that desperate, put your name up next time. I won't stand again.- Don't worry, I will!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31If that's all you've got to worry about, I'm happy for you, Archie. You must have a very nice life.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- Get off my back, Malcolm! You've got no idea about my life!- Guys, don't.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- It's just a couple of hundred quid. It's literally nothing.- Oh, it's nothing, is it, Mr Monopoly?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Archie, what's got into you? - Besides, the club would never have allowed somebody with
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- a criminal record to become club secretary.- Nobody cares about that!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49That was me utilising a clause in a mortgage contract!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Also known as fraud. - You're the fraud, pal! You bought every single one of those votes!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Because I treated Kevin to a foot long from Subway?!- Yes!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- And this is what he's doing now, Craig, so just be aware.- Bull crap!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01He's putting you in his pocket, in case he needs you at a later date!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- I'm offering to buy everyone's meal! - Yes, because you're a selfish prick!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He isn't, Archie.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Just calm down.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16He isn't.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Because I am paying for this meal.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Yes, I live in London! Yes, I'm very rich!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28But that is my prerogative, as your guest, all right?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Here we go. Some Limoncello for you, and have you decide yet who pay the bill?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Yeah, put it all on this. And put on 25% for yourself.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Right, gentlemen, I'd like to thank you for your company this evening.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45And for a good game of badminton. And if any of you happen to find yourself in the Chiswick area,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48please don't hesitate to NOT ring me! Cheers!
0:12:48 > 0:12:49- ALL:- Cheers.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Ah!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Don't envy you going back to London, Craig. All those pickpockets.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Yeah, well, it's not what it was, Kevin.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I mean, I'd be happy to move on, to be honest with you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16I crave a bit of excitement. Last year, I went climbing in Canada...
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Excuse me, sir. But your card is not welcome.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25- What?- It is reject. Bad. Do you have perhaps other card?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Um...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30No, not on me.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I don't understand. There's at least 250 in that account.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- That settles it, then. I'll pay. - Hang on, hang on.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I've got an AMEX card back at the hotel.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- I'll phone the au pair and get her to give me the number.- I'm not sure...- Craig, there's no need.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Sshh!
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Anoushka? Yeah, it's me. Can you go up to my room, please?
0:13:51 > 0:13:58Yeah, it was very nice, thank you. Yeah, go into my room and go over to the bedside cabinet and open
0:13:58 > 0:14:00the second drawer down.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04No, no. Not the top one.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Do not open the top one!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Yeah, the second one.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Right. And in there is my AMEX card.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Yes, the gold one.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Now, I need the long number on the front and the four digits just
0:14:18 > 0:14:20above that in the right-hand corner.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Digits.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Digits!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- I tell you what, why don't you just bring the card down to me?- No, no.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's fine, it's fine.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34No, they're fine. They'll be fine. They're asleep, aren't they?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Well, just leave quietly!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Well, if you're that worried, just unplug everything!- No, Craig! No!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Don't worry, Baboushka! It's fine! You don't have to come.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48but it's daft you putting your kids' lives in danger when I've got
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- a good card right here. - We can split it.- No.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I'm getting this. No more arguments.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58That is the absolute end of the matter.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Well, under these circumstances,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'd be very happy to accept your very kind offer.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Thank you, Malcolm. - Not a problem at all.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Yes, thank you.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15All right, fine. Will you just give us a minute, please, love?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21This is not the way I wanted to do this.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25But I've... I've got something to tell you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27What? You've got a voucher?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29No.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32No, I've not got a voucher.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I've got a brain tumour.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You're joking.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43No, I'm not, Malcolm. And I wish I was.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50It's er...inoperable and I've got three months at best, I'm afraid.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Thanks, Kevin.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57That is why I wanted to pay this meal.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Sorry, Malcolm. I should have told you sooner.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Will you excuse me?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Listen, Archie, um...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22We had someone in my office who had something very similar.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- And we took him over to Switzerland. - Dignitas.- No, it was Geneva.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31We got him one of the top surgeons over there.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34He had the best possible treatment.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Did he survive?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40No.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43But he had a private room, 52-inch plasma,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46and all the channels.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47It's a nice touch.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Thanks, Craig, but I've talked it over with Susie and we want
0:16:51 > 0:16:55to try and make it as normal as possible for the kids' sakes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59So, if you could do me the honour, the very great honour,
0:16:59 > 0:17:04of allowing me to pay that bill, probably for the last time...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Don't say that, Archie.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Just...in case, Kevin.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It really would mean the world to me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Or course, Archie.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Thank you.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23If you want, we can pay the tip.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28It's fine, Kevin. I'll get all of it.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34It's just nice to spend what time I've got left amongst friends.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- You lying fucking monster!- Eh?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I've just texted Susie. She doesn't know anything about a tumour!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- He's lying! He's a liar! - Is this true, Archie?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- I haven't told her yet. I wanted to tell you first. - You said you'd talked it over.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I can't believe you'd pretend to be dying, just so you can pay for a tapas meal!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I can't believe you'd ring up to check! Texting a dying man's wife to confirm his story?!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- You're not dying though, are you? - I can't take much more of this.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59How dare you try and swindle your way into paying for this meal!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You've driven me to it, Malcolm! You're a control freak!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Why can't I have a pat on the back? Good old Archie, for a change?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Swooping in and claiming every act of generosity!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09You're both unbelievable!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13The pair of you! It's ridiculous behaviour! Strutting around, point scoring, I mean, it's pathetic!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16You're the one who was happy for his kids to be burnt to death,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- just so he could flash his gold card!- What?!- Right, where's that bill? I am paying this! Right?
0:18:20 > 0:18:25- You're not!- Yes, I am! - I'm getting this!- Let him go! - I'm getting this!- Argh!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Stop this now!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Stop it or I call the police!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Sorry. - There is no-one else here now.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I need to close the restaurant.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41My manager says this meal can be at the home.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- She means on the house.- Yes. Please.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50Let me take the bill and we all go home.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54No!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01We're going to sort this, once and for all.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It's not about the bill.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06It's gone beyond that now.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Look, can't we just split it four ways?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I'm happy to put in for the drink, even though I never had any, although I did have that Limoncello.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19- Mind you, that was free. - Miss? Will you bring us the sharpest knife in your kitchen, please?- No!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- The matter is closed! There is no bill!- There's always a bill!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Somebody has to pay!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28No!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Fellas, whatever you're thinking about doing,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I would probably advise against it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- I'm sure there must be an alternative. - What is he doing, Archie?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I know.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Stab Scotch. Also known as Pin Finger. Nerve...
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Or Five Finger Fillet.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Archie and I have played this since school.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54We used a compass back then.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Or the sharp end of a 2B pencil.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58The rules are very simple.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02You pass the knife between each finger and back again ten times,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05fastest time wins, winner pays the bill. Agreed, Archie?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06If you wish, yes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Kevin, will you time this, please?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Malcolm, wait! Think what you're doing! We've got the county semis coming up in Doncaster.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18- You don't want to be butchering yourself like this!- I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Ahem. I'm not sure I want to go through with this.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well, you don't have to.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It's between me and Malcolm now.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Tell me when.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Sorry. I'm just waiting for it to get to the top.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- Look, come here, I'll do it on my phone.- I cannot allow this! - Don't watch, then!- Sshh, sshh, sshh!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Right, are you ready?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Three, two,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06one.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Go.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12One.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Two.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Three.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Four.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Five.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Six.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Seven.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Eight.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Nine.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Done!
0:21:34 > 0:21:3623 seconds.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Very good.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Not bad.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Well done.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49No, this isn't fair.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52He might have double vision because of his brain tumour.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54He hasn't got a tumour, remember?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Oh, yeah. No, carry on.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I'm happy to pay the bill now.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- And we can all go home. - No, thank you, Malcolm.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'm fine.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09When you're ready, Craig.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Three,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15two,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18one.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Go.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25One.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Two.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Three.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Four.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Five.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- How long?- 15 seconds.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Six.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Argh!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Seven.- Argh!- Stop it now, Archie! You're bleeding!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Make him stop!
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Stop it!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- What did you do that for? - I didn't do anything!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- It wasn't his fault. It was an accident.- Get me some napkins!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Quick!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26What shall we do? Shall we call for an ambulance? The police? What?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27I don't know. Is she alive?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Only just. Her windpipe's been severed.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Give me that knife.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Archie, what should I do? Shall I call the police?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Give me your phone.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I haven't got much credit left on it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Fine. Use it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55She's dead.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Oh, God, no!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59We've got to get our story straight, OK?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- It was Archie that did it and you were trying to stop him. - I was trying to stop him!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Yeah, and that's what we'll say. - Do we mention the stab cock?- What?!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- The game, the fish finger. - No! It's irrelevant.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11We'll just say we were arguing about the bill.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14All of a sudden, he grabbed a knife, he's got cuts on his hand anyway...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15- Yes!- Right, it's been sorted.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Now, all we have to do is disappear and this will be dealt with.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- What do you mean?- The less you know about it, the better.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Don't let your wives and your girlfriends see you.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Get rid of your clothes. Get clean. Have showers.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- Clean your showers.- Sounds like you do this on a weekly basis. - You don't spend time in prison
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- without making contacts. People who'll watch your back.- What, when they're trying to bum you?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- Fine, I'll cancel it, then. We'll call the police instead! - Guys, look, I can't be here.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42This was supposed to be a tapas meal with the badminton people.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- I need to be back in London tomorrow.- What about the girl? Surely, she'll be missed.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You heard what she said. She's only just come here. She's probably illegal anyway.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It's a risk we'll have to take!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Malcolm?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Do it.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Right, before we go, we need to sort out the money.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03You can pay it, Archie! I'm not bothered now!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'm not talking about the bill! I mean this!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08The clean up! It's not a free service, you know? I've not got a couple of coupons!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10How much does he want?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- 200.- Oh, that's actually very reasonable.- Thousand.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- I haven't got that. - It's all right. We'll split it four ways.- What? 50 grand each?- Yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Like a diddlum.- I can get it wired tomorrow morning, first thing.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Has to be cash and he wants it tonight.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- That's just unrealistic! It's half 11!- Archie, one question.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It's just that I didn't actually touch the knife,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- so technically, I think I probably owe less.- Oh, here we go!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- I'm just saying that my... - Shut up, Kevin!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- We're all paying the same! - Oh, you've changed your tune!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You were going to pay the whole bill a minute ago!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Yeah, when it was 200 quid, not 200 grand!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- Stop it! We're running out of time! - It's just that I haven't got that kind of money!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I have!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Anoushka.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51It's me again. Right, I want you to go back into my room.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Go into the right-hand wardrobe. No, not the left one!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Do NOT go in the left!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Right, inside, you'll see a grey safe.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I need you to open it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- The number is six..- Ow!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Oh... Good... She's still alive.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20But we'll still need the money to clean everything up, won't we?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Forget it. It's over.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23She's blown it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- ENGLISH ACCENT:- He stood on my hand!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- Don't blame me!- So close! We'd have had him if you'd have kept your mouth shut!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Anoushka... I'll call you back. What's going on?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- I'd have thought that was obvious. - Have you really got 200 grand in your right-hand side wardrobe?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Never mind that. I want to know what's in the left-hand side.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Archie? What is this?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It's a washout.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- I told you it was too elaborate. - It was going fine.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- It was just geography. He stood on her hand.- I'm sorry, Prof.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53But she's going way over the top with that accent!
0:26:53 > 0:26:54It's barely believable now.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- "Can I offer you guys to be shot?" - Oh, piss off, Jerry!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00You couldn't do it! And you were the one who mentioned Susie!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01No names, remember?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- All this was a set up? - Well, the restaurant's real.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07We just had to pay the manager to take the night off.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09And they put their prices up. They want 1,500 now.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11People are such greedy bastards.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15You've been scamming me. I thought we were friends.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Well, see it as a holiday bromance. And you ARE very rich.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I don't know what to say.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Speechless.- Well, I wish she was! - He crushed my fingers!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- What about my fucking fingers? - All right! That's enough!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Stop squabbling and abort. - Sorry, Prof.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Karen?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Go and clean yourself up.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I'm afraid you're going to have to give us that phone.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47You what? Why?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Well, we can't have you going to the police, can we?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51You just tried to rob me of 200 grand!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53You got a free meal out of it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Hand it over.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Sorry...
0:28:01 > 0:28:02No.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06I'm not going to do that.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21All right. Well, we've got a bit of problem, haven't we?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Anyway, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35- No, it was later than that.- Eh? - It was after Diana had died.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- What's she got to do with it? - I just remember.- All right.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Well, '99, whatever.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42And the Professor here had worked out if we put this
0:28:42 > 0:28:44accumulator on seven races, we could have won...
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- How much was it, Jack? - Half a million.- Half a million. - Well, it wasn't half a million.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51- It was 469,000.- Excuse me. Can we get the bill, please?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Certainly, sir.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I won't be a second.