0:00:18 > 0:00:21LIFT BELL CHIMES
0:00:22 > 0:00:27Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar. I see you have not stayed with us before.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29But, please, feel free to linger in our corridor
0:00:29 > 0:00:33and take a butcher's around the ninth floor.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36The residents who, here, will spend the night like mountaineers
0:00:36 > 0:00:41at base camp, they just might be on their way up, or on their way down.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Some wear an anorak, others a crown.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Are all here to meet their fate head-on.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Will Lady Luck smile on you, come the dawn?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Who knows?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55For I'm just here to link their ships
0:00:55 > 0:00:59and smile and smile and hope for decent tips.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Mr Blue and Mr Brown are in the building.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08For shame, Henry, why speak you to your cuff?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- There's no-one here. You're armed.- Yes, sir.- So, chill.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14The fact that we use pseudonyms is enough
0:01:14 > 0:01:16to keep me safe from harm, surely.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18But, still, I made an oath to your father the king
0:01:18 > 0:01:21that I would keep you in my sights all week.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24His enemies would not hesitate to bring a gun to a knife fight.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Henry!- Let me speak.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29You are our country's future, dearest Prince.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32My job's to save you from any grievous plot.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35But all this talk of murder makes me wince.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Like this iambic foot, you're stressed. I'm not.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Now, let me to my room. Good night, God bless.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- I take it we have all the channels. - Yes.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Ah, Mr Brown, your luggage is within.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Do you need a tour of the room? - Not fussed.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- And, Mr Blue?- I'm in 912, going.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And, just so you know, that tip's from both of us.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Sleep well, sweet prince.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09He shall not live the night.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It is understood assassins wish him dead
0:02:13 > 0:02:16to cleanse our country of his family's line.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19So, when Prince Rico meets my little friend
0:02:19 > 0:02:23and grief does shake the old King of his wits,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26my father stands in readiness to rule.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Then I will wear the Prince's crown instead.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32And I'm in 911...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36..not 912!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Young man, come here. A word with you, I pray.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I wish to speak more plainly, if I may.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Sir, it's the only language I understand.- Good.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I wish to order some room service which is off menu,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- if you catch my drift. - I do indeed, sir.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Would you care to describe the dish you have in mind?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07- Female.- Mm-hmm.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Redhead.- Mm-hmm.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Mature.- Oh!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Willing to indulge in some slightly unusual practices.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20No problem. Yellow or brown?
0:03:22 > 0:03:28- What?- Does Sir prefer the water sign or the earth sign?- Oh, water.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Oh, absolutely.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Here...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- The other half will come... - After you do. I understand.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Leave it with me. I know just the girl for you.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Oh, happy days! The fates they do conspire.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I'll profit from another man's desire.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Yes?- I'm sorry, sir, but may I trouble you?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09There is a strange man in my room.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Which room?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It's one of these
0:04:13 > 0:04:14but which I cannot say.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Things fall out of my head so quick these days.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Did you not see the sign upon my door?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Do not disturb me, please, I do implore.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Sir, he's got me all aquiver.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- And here he comes! He means me harm.- Mother!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I'm so sorry. She wanders off a lot.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Come back to bed, you're missing Emmerdale.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Is this your son? - I don't know.- Yes, I am.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39She knows me not, it's such a sorry tale.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- She took a tumble nipping into Boots, this was in August.- 1953.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46She hit her head and now her memory's gone.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- My memory's fine! - For them days, not for these.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51She's like a goldfish that you win at t'fair.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- You mean, she's going to die within a week?- No!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56She swims about but nothing is retained.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59We're trying this new memory technique.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Are you my husband? - No, he's just a man.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03A man who wishes to be left in peace.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06If that is all, I'm going to close the door.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- I met him once on Coronation Street. - Oh, mother!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I can't believe you made me walk in heels.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21A taxi would have been, like, £15.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Then you make me carry all these bags.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You know full well my back is really bad.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Why pay a boy in uniform a pound for doing something we can do ourselves?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Sweetheart, don't be angry with me, please.- You have the key card?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Yes, I've got it here.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Doesn't seem to work. Don't know why.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- What if I pop it quickly in and out? - Just like our sex life.- Amber!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Sorry.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45No joy.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'll go back to reception. You wait here.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51No joy.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54No joy we've had for ages now.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Ten years together. Maybe that's our peak.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Our love has turned as stale as last week's bread.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Long gone the days when he made my knees weak.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08A night in a hotel won't be enough to keep my heart
0:06:08 > 0:06:10from all this nagging doubt.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Do I extend my holiday with Gus
0:06:13 > 0:06:16or do I pay my bill and then check out?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Madame, are you locked out of your room?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Yes, my boyfriend's gone to fetch another card.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Oh, they are most unreliable. - Boyfriends?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25No, the key cards. But I know what you mean.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26My Fred, he's the bellboy.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29He can be a bit tricky sometimes but he's got a good heart.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- Have you been together a long time? - Oh, yeah, ages. 15 weeks.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36He is forever trying to drag me into one of the empty rooms
0:06:36 > 0:06:37for a bit of how's your father.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40But that turns me right off because my father's dead.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42At least he's attentive.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Yeah, he's always standing to attention, if you take my meaning.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48But there is nothing he wouldn't do for me.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51So, do you want me to let you in? I've got a pass key.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53No. Do you have any other rooms available?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Um, there's nobody booked in 913.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I can show you in there, if you like.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You're right. A woman should be wooed. With care.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, no! We haven't had it off in there.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Excuse me, Miss.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I hate to be a bore.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I was looking at my key card
0:07:11 > 0:07:14And I saw the number of this room is 911.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16For me to stay in here can't be done.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- You do not like the number, sir? - No way.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Well, 914 has just come free today.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Oh, I'm very superstitious as a rate.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28To stay in 911's tempting fate.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Well, at least, you haven't had to travel far.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Have you taken anything from the minibar?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36No, but will you tell the bellboy on this floor
0:07:36 > 0:07:39the watersports will now be 914.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45What watersports? We haven't got a pool.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Excuse me, I am missing a plug for my bath.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- It's not electric, sir, that would be dangerous.- To keep the water in!
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Oh, that kind of plug. I'll try and find you one, Mr...- Green.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Poor girl, she does not know the reason why
0:08:02 > 0:08:03I need a bath plug urgently.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08For that, which stops the water running out,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12will stop also what little life there is in me.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17When these blue rivers in my wrist do run and mingle
0:08:17 > 0:08:20with the cheap bath salts and soap
0:08:20 > 0:08:24then will my guilt drain out with them to sea.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29And will my children mourn? I can but hope.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33My boys.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35My twins were given up at birth.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Their mother died, I was still in jail.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42One stayed in England, one was sent abroad.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I know not what became of either one.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49So, tonight,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I will put me to my sword.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55But for a bath plug.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Then, 'tis quickly done.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I have the new card here, Amber. She's gone.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Perhaps she is inside.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Or has she flown?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Oh, these sodding key cards never bloody work!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I must have held it near my mobile phone.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Colette, my dainty dumpling
0:09:30 > 0:09:33is going to meet me here for a bit of how's your dead father.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Leave it on the latch.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, the key cards can't be trusted.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Oh, sir, may we speak plainly once again?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Of course.- You're barking up the wrong tree. Your room is down here.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47911.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Oh, I see. That'll be why the card refused to work.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Your room service is on its way. - Oh, great.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Bring it straight up, will you?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And, um, be discreet.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Naturally.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Anything else I can help you with, sir?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11No, thank you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Oh.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Oh.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Very kind, sir.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26From £50 to 20 pence?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28What did I do wrong?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32She's not yet here. My plan is now afoot.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I have arranged for an apple tart to be brought to our room,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40but unbeknownst to Amber, a ring is baked within.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46And when she takes her first big bite of that confectionery,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I will, I hope, she'll say.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50And, merrily, we'll marry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- I need a wee. - Be quiet, have some tact.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- We must discuss the tariff for this act.- I have to pay?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13No, madam, I pay you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16£1,000.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17And how much for a poo?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- So, were you once a redhead? - Oh, behave.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I said mature, not dug up from the grave.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Will you do bondage?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yes, there's every chance. I did a course at St John's Ambulance.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I'm glad that you are keen, that's good to know.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Just tie me up and you can let it flow.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37You know I'm staying in here tonight?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- OK.- I need some space.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- I care not what you do. - You really are a pig!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- What's that?- Who's this?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Just go back to bed and I will join you soon.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08No longer in the shadows can I lurk.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11'Tis time for me to attend my grisly work.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17But wait, if I am to be blameless of this deed,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20then must I have an alibi as fact.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I did just see the hypnotist downstairs.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25He really did a very funny act.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32But wait. What if I could be the hero of the hour?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35As if I've fought to save the Prince's life,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'll cut my face to illustrate my lie.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40But what if I go too deep with a knife.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Oh, come, Henry, stop equivocating! Act.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45The time for dilly-dallying has gone.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Just raise your hand and stab his bleeding heart.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I hope I didn't leave the talkback on.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Hello? Hello.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56BELL RINGS
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Excuse me, Miss, do you have my plug?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I do have a plug but probably not the kind you mean.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Are you the gentleman from 911? Mr Brown?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I am Mr Brown's security adviser. What mean you with him?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17He's ordered some executive relief.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19The details of which are not for you to know.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Suffice to say, he is the executive...- And you are the relief.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Well, I'll certainly be relieving myself. Now, let me in, please.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I've got another slot to fill at ten.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32May I ask your name?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Tracey, but people call me Red.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Well, then, Little Red.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41How would you to increase your fee tonight threefold?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44You've pricked my interest. What did you have in mind?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47My master has a meeting in the morn of great import.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- I don't want him up all night. - Neither do I, believe me.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51After you and he have done the deed,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54he, most like, will imbibe a glass of wine.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Into his cup, this tincture pour.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- It is a sedative to help him sleep. - Oh, fine.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I thought you were after a spit-roast.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05No, I just had a sandwich.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Good evening, sir, I trust that all is well.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Oh, yes. Thank you. The room is very nice.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- I hear you ordered a tart this evening.- I did. Has it arrived?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23- Just now.- Bring it in.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Thus, when the Prince in deepest slumber lays,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37then will I strike and so avoid his gaze.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Better he dies still thinking me a friend.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43This wench has helped me bring about his end.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Mother! Mother! She's vanished from the room.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Two minutes in the shower and she's gone.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I thought Emmerdale and Corrie was enough to keep her busy
0:14:56 > 0:14:57but she's done a bunk!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I'm sorry to disturb you once again. You haven't got my mother in there?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06No! Why can't you people just leave me in peace?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Can you not see that I'm tied up right now?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13God knows what goes on behind these closed doors.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Don't ask, don't tell, as Mother always says.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17BELL RINGS
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I'd better find her quick before she falls.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I'll try the hypnotism show downstairs.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28I saw your hypnotism show downstairs. It was really good.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33Thank you, child. I was exceptional tonight, though I say so myself.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37It is a potent combination of neurolinguistic programming
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- and my persuasive vocal technique. - Yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I liked it when they had to do the hokey cokey
0:15:41 > 0:15:44every time you shouted spaghetti bolognese!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Aye, well, it is important to entertain as well as educate.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50One sometimes has to paint in primary colours.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- This is your room, 916. - Thank you, child.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- I'll take a glass of vino when you're ready.- Of course.
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- And the lady I was telling you about is there in 913.- Ah, yes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Unhappy in love, you say.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08She seems to be, but then I heard her boyfriend order this.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It has an engagement ring inside.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12How very tacky!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14She just needs a little persuasion, that's all.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Is that something you could do?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19My child, I have hypnotised smokers to stop smoking
0:16:19 > 0:16:21and fatties to stop eating.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I'm sure I can use my skills to make true love bloom again.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It would be nice to have a happy ending,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29for I feel I am partly to blame.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Come, I'll take you to her.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Yes?- Excuse me, Madam. This is Vince De Trans.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41He's the hypnotist at Zanzibar.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I once regressed a lady through past lives.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Turned out she was a maid of Cleopatra.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48What on earth has that to do with me?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50If we could come in for a moment, you will see.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Here you are, Madam. And I thank you for your pains.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I'm not sure what just happened, but thanks, Mister.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Would you ever consider girl on girl?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I did once share a bunk bed with my sister.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Well, I know my door begins with number nine.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Oh, this one's open, guess it must be mine.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Madam! What mean you by this?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Like a scalded she-cat you have sprayed me!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Why else are you paying me?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Paying you? Paying you?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36You have done me the most disgraceful wrong.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I will see that you are sorely punished.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Fine. But that'll cost you extra.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Now, come, sirrah, and take a sip of wine.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Madam, I have take had quite enough of your fluids. I'll take no more.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49What seems to be the issue here, sir?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Her issue is my issue!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56This harlot, this creature, this redheaded whore...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Yes?- ..has just...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I can scarce get out the words. Has just...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05..used me as a privy!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Excellent!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- And I trust it all went swimmingly. - He refuses now to pay.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Oh, I must insist you pay the lady, sir.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Otherwise, she is wont to stay and make a fuss
0:18:17 > 0:18:21and, whilst we're on it, perhaps you could supply the other half of this?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Have I gone mad?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Has the world turned upside down?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I am assaulted on all sides then ask to pay for the pleasure.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- That's the idea. - Is this some kind of role-play?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Pay me my money!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I will not!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Will you please be quiet!
0:18:37 > 0:18:38You keep me from my work.
0:18:40 > 0:18:46Look, Red. You wait up here awhile and I will soothe his ire.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I'm hungry and you promised me a meal.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Here, take these leftovers. - Leftovers?- Look!
0:18:53 > 0:18:58- Here, have this. It hasn't been touched.- OK.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Give me but two minutes, I prithee.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Now, child, the ritual is complete and she is in a trancelike state.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14When you bring her boyfriend to her door,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17she will look upon him with new-found ardour
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- and passionately embrace him. - Thank you, Vince.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Cupid himself could not have aimed more true.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'll fetch him right away.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Ah!
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Perfect.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Hello, kind sir. I am Colette the maid.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I'm on an errand, if you would be led.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Ah, good the maid. You must have read my mind.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35There's been little spillage on the bed.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh, but, sir. I mean...
0:19:39 > 0:19:45- No, Mrs Hargreaves, you're in here. 918.- Are you my son?- No.- Oh.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I had him with me but he's forever wandering off.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51BELL
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I have searched every floor from one to nine.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Of my mother, alas, there is no sign.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I curse the day that she went into Boots.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01She only wanted Schwarzkopf for her roots.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03She slipped and went down like a tonne of bricks,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05covered from head to toe in Tixylix
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, I should never have let her from my sight.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I pray that someone's seen her here tonight.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Ah, hello.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- What angel is this knocks upon my door?- Sorry?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22My heart has burst and overflowed with joy.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27A vision of such beauty and rare poise.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I did do ballet lessons as a boy.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Thine eyes are pools wherein I see myself.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Thy apple cheeks are soft as new-fallen snow.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37What are you doing?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Two cherry lips, I long to take a bite.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I'm going to be reporting this!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Thy firm physique doth make my juices flow!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- It's very nice to meet you, Mrs...- Miss!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49And I intend to have you now, right here!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51There is a little problem with that plan.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I hate to have to tell you, but I'm...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55..not looking for a relationship at the moment.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58If you just come with me. Alas, what's this?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Fair Amber with another man entwined.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02She must have seen him first.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Madam, desist! Your boyfriend's here.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I do not care for him.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08This man, this god!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11This vision is my love.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- Come, let me see thy mighty sword. - Go away!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I wish to keep my sword within its sheath!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18It's more like a little dagger anyway.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Sir, speak you to your girlfriend and explain. She has the wrong man.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I know her not. She slapped my face. The woman is insane.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Insane with love!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- And there is but one cure.- Oh, God!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I've waited long enough in there!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Pay up!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Pay up? For what? I know not what you mean.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39This hotel is full of madwomen, I swear.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- You take the piss! - No, you took it from me.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Oh!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Mother! Where have you been? You had me worried.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I found her wandering in the corridor.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Here's 50 for your trouble.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Mother! Where did you get that money from?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54From him.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Give me that money, grandma! I've earned it.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Well, I earned it, too. Though how, I can't recall.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- You did screw my boyfriend. - Did you, Mother?- It's all my fault.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- I've messed it up. - Calm down.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07We just need to untangle what is tangled.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- This gentleman was booked in 914. - No, that is Mr Brown from 911.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12In bed with Red while Amber was next door.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Then, Mr Green in 915...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- His bath plug! - ..and Blue in 912.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Who have I missed? - Red, Amber, Green.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Am I coming or going?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20We need to speak to Vince the hypnotist.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Prince Rico, what has happened? Aren't you tired?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27I thought you would be sleeping now.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29With this? You have to give me shelter from these people
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Good Henry, you're the only one I trust.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Oh, Amber. There you are, my love. I've missed you.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I've not missed you, you necrophiliac.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45I'm sorry?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I saw you in your room with that old hussy.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Excuse me, I'm not that old!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49She means me.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I know I haven't been the perfect boyfriend.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55But I want to show you this.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Is this my cake?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05You have to know what lies beneath this dome
0:23:05 > 0:23:07is a symbol of what you mean to me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Ooh.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14As proposals go, I have seen better.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It's not the most romantic thing to show, a load of old bones.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22- Excuse me, that's my mother. - Do you mean me? Who are you again?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- This should have been... - An apple tart? I ate it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28There was a diamond ring concealed within.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Your ring has gone from one tart to another.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Why don't you shut your mouth, you stuck-up b...?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Ow! - Mother!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Calm down, let's put you back in here.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How are you feeling, Mother? Are you OK?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44How many fingers am I holding up?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Oh, Robert! I can't see without my glasses.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- What did you say? - I said I can't see.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Well, you just called me Robert. - Well, that's your name.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- A mother ought to know her son. - Good God. That slap,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58it must have brought you back to me. Oh!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Amber, listen, I do love thee.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04She is bewitched, I cannot break the spell.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Just tell us, Vince, what do we need to know to make this right?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I'm sleeping now. Good night.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Has he been drinking? - He had a glass of wine.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Urgh!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Then I take matters into my own hands.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Don't touch me with those trotters, you fat pig!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32With true love's kiss, I aim to break the spell.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38No, don't!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Sorry. - No, I meant don't stop.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- I thought she's your girlfriend. - Mother, please.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Poor Gus! I don't know what came over me.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It wasn't me, I can promise you that.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I love a happy ending, don't you, Fred?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In 917, there's an empty bed.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Of this confusion, I have had my fill.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Excuse me, Miss. I'd like to pay my bill.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09AARRGGHH!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11For the final time, will you be...?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20What's this?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Two peas from the same pod, both shelled.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Do my old eyes deceive me,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32or could I be looking at the sons I briefly held?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I was adopted as a child.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39And I.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- I never knew my father. - Until now.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I pray you, sirs, do not an old man mock.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50We must get to the bottom of this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51How?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53The proof, it is behind you.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58For my boys both bore a birthmark on their bare behinds.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- It was a most unusual shape. - I know!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03It looks just like...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05BOTH: ..the chair from Mastermind!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's true. I saw it on his bum.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09It makes me think of Magnus Magnusson!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Give me but one moment, I implore.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I won't need that bath plug any more.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I always felt that I was but a half.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Lacking not just a father and a mother.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Meeting your other half makes you a whole.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Does that sound wrong? - It's nice to meet you...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37..brother.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Oh! Lovely!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43So, all is resolved. Just like a theatre play.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And I can get my happy end away.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Not so fast!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Everybody stay exactly where they are.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I'm sorry to break up this pretty scene
0:26:54 > 0:26:58but I have unfinished business with Prince Rico.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I pray you, sirs, which one of you is he?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- 'Tis I.- 'Tis I.- 'Tis I. - Mother, calm down!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You have set this up to try to muddle me.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Step forward, Prince, or Daddy gets the knife.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14That's what you call dramatic irony!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Oh, I know him. He saw my show tonight.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Please, spare his life and take me in his place.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I've had enough. The old man has to die. I'll spill his guts.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Spaghetti bolognese!
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Urgh!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Ooooooh! The hokey cokey!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# Oooooh, the hokey cokey... #
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- Vince, you've saved the day. - Thank you, child.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I'm glad that everyone is reconciled.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- I thought I was goner. - No way, Pops.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Let's lock him in his room and call the cops.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Left leg out!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# In, out, in, out! Shake it all about! #
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Can someone tell me what's gone on today?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55It's more than a rhyming couplet can relay.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I wish you had your diamond ring.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01But, hush!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I think that I did hear a toilet flush.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Oh!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10You found it.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Aw!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I hope you've enjoyed your stay at Zanzibar.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31We're all little older, if not wiser.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34If you've enjoyed your stay, please, tell your friends.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36And write a nice review on TripAdvisor!