0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:54 > 0:00:57DOOR CREAKS OPEN
0:01:20 > 0:01:22HE SIGHS
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- I wondered if you were going to turn up.- Sorry, Tommy.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29You know what I'm like with time.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32It's always half past my left freckle.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34What's all this?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I just wanted to get a few extra bits and pieces.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I thought, if we had some funny props,
0:01:39 > 0:01:40that it might inspire us.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You know, like we used to, back in the day.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Novelty items and whatnot.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47This was such a bad idea.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55It's just, I had to get rid of a lot of the old props.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I kept them for years, all boxed up in my mother's back bedroom,
0:01:58 > 0:02:03but then she passed and I had to chuck them all in an old skip.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Hey, that could be a bit, couldn't it?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07What do people do with their old skips?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08- Where do they dump them? - HE CHUCKLES
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Sorry. Sorry, I'm babbling.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- It's good to see you, Tommy. - People call me Thomas now.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- I haven't been Tommy for 30 years. - Well, you look well.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26What do we do? Do we hug, shake hands, rub noses?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Let's just get on with it, shall we? I haven't got long.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36OK. What do you want to do first? Shall we try the interview sketch?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"Ease ourselves in gently," as the bishop said to the choirboy?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41If you wish, yes.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I hope I remember it all. I think I have it.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I listen to the albums from time to time.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I still have VHSs of all the telly stuff,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58but I can't play 'em.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Hey, did you ever hear anything back
0:03:02 > 0:03:04from those lads who wanted to bring out a DVD?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- No. Are you ready?- One sec.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- And no looking out at the audience. - What do you mean?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You know what I mean. You always used to do it.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Mugging to the front row. - No, I never.- You did!
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Especially if I had a funny line.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24You'd look out and take it, as if you'd earned the laugh. Don't.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Pisses me off. - I don't think I do that.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- Right, well, next time you do it, I'll click my fingers and you'll see, all right?- OK, fine.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Good to see you, too.- Start.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38HE IMITATES KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:03:38 > 0:03:40HE CHUCKLES
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Sorry.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Come in.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48HE IMITATES DOOR CREAKING
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Hello. I'm here for the interview.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Ah, yes. Would you like to take a seat?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Nah, you're all right. I've got some at home.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- No, no, I mean would you like to sit down?- Oh, yes. Thank you.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Ooh.- So, you found us all right?- Yes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Your map was extremely comprehensive.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Like your education, I see. HE CHUCKLES
0:04:08 > 0:04:13- All right, you don't have to do it every time.- I do. My laugh.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Kirk.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Och, Mr Kirk. Is that a wee Scots name, Jimmy?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22No, I don't think so. As a matter of fact, my father was born in Ireland.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23- IRISH ACCENT:- Ah, the Emerald Isle.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25They've got leprechauns and Guinness,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27to be sure, to be sure.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28So, the company is based in Leeds...
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- Nay, lad! Ee, bah gum and ecky thump!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- ..working closely with... - Harry Ramsden's!
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Best chips in th'all of Yorkshire.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35..the Sony Corporation...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- JAPANESE ACCENT: - Ah, so, number one son.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- ..exporting to India... INDIAN ACCENT:- Cor blimey, mister! 10,000 apologies.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- ..via Buckingham. POSH ACCENT:- Oh, I say!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- How terribly, terribly posh. - We have an office in Moscow...
0:04:46 > 0:04:47- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- Vodka, comrade!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- ..a branch in London... COCKNEY ACCENT:- Lovely jubbly.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51..and we're expanding into Madagascar.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Really? How interesting. - Look, would you concentrate, please?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I'm looking for a serious candidate to fill this position.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Well, I did go to university. - Really? Where did you study?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- Cambridge.- When can you start? HE CHUCKLES
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Ah, boom! It's a belter, that. Still works, doesn't it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You won't be able to do any of that ending.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15- What do you mean?- Can't do Chinese and Asian voices any more.- Why?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Because, Len, it is what is known as racist.- Oh, give over!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- That's the joke.- What's the joke?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22What are you inviting people to laugh at, exactly?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Just...a man doing all daft voices. We did it in our first series.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- We only had one series, remember? - Yeah, but still, it's been on telly.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Nobody complained.- Well, things have changed. That was then.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37All right, what about Goodness Gracious Me?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39They were all Asian, Len.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It's like Jackie Mason telling Jew jokes
0:05:41 > 0:05:43or Richard Pryor doing black material.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You're only allowed to take the piss out of your own tribe.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Eh, I don't think you should be calling them a tribe, Tommy.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- That IS racialist.- Look, we can't do this sketch, all right?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- So, can we not do Ching Chong Chinaman?- No.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01In fact, I don't think we should be doing this at all. I've made a mistake. I'm going.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Oh, no. Tommy, please don't go. I haven't seen you in 30 years.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Let's at least give it a chance.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15# If you're going to cry
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# Cry tears of laughter
0:06:17 > 0:06:21# A smile takes much less effort than a frown. #
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Hey, Tommy, I've just finished my jigsaw!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- IMITATES TOMMY: - Oh, was it difficult?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Well, it said three to five years on the box.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Only took me six months.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- You know I live in France now?- Yeah.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Our Leanne said she'd read a piece about you in the Standard.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- You do computers, don't you? - Digital marketing.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Got my own company - Angry Tomato. 15 offices worldwide.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- 100 people working under me. - Ooh. Does it not tickle?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I've moved on, Len.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58All this Cheese & Crackers stuff...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You know I employ someone to take down those YouTube clips?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- No!- Course I do.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I can't afford to go into a meeting with the HSBC
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and someone's found me as Tina Turner
0:07:07 > 0:07:10with tights on my head and ping-pong balls for eyes.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Hey, it's good publicity, that YouTube, you know.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14My nephews are showing me. You can get everything on it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I know you can, Len, and it's an embarrassment to me.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I see.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Do you want a cup of tea?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Is there any peppermint?- Erm...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, forget it. I'll just have builder's.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Your Leanne's grown up into a lovely young girl.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby-dazzler.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40When she wrote to me and asked me about doing this gig, I was...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Well, you won't be surprised to learn I was unenthusiastic,
0:07:43 > 0:07:44to say the least.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I know, Tommy. Sorry. Thomas.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You remember that Morecambe and Wise interview when they were asked,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"What would you have been if you hadn't been comedians?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- And Eric said, "Mike and Bernie Winters"?- Yeah. Funny line.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Well, we weren't even Mike and Bernie Winters.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- We weren't that good.- No, I'm not having that, Tommy.- It's true.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We came up in the mid-'80s, arse end of variety.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Got lucky with one series on Anglia Television.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11It was more than that. What about all the live stuff?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties. Top of the bill with Mick Miller,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Bobby Knutt and The Grumbleweeds - you can't get better than that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's hardly the Rat Pack, is it, Len?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22So, why have you come, then?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26How could I not?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Plus, you still owe me 25 quid. - What for?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Bernie Clifton's dressing room.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01HE SIGHS
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, there you go. You've just proved you don't need me.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- You're funny on your own. - Of course I need you!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You can't have Crackers without the Cheese.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48That's another thing - I hate that stupid name. I always did.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51But someone had already registered Cheese & Onion. I told you!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Why did it have to be Cheese and anything? It's so babyish.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- And it's not funny. - Well, I think it's funny.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's too generic. First rule of comedy - be specific.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01You never say biscuit. You say Garibaldi.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02All right, Ted Bovis!
0:10:02 > 0:10:07If we do this - if - I want us to use our real names.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- But then no-one'll know who we are.- Correct.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13All right, fine. I'll tell our Leanne to have us billed
0:10:13 > 0:10:15as Shelby & Drake if that's what you want.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Why Shelby & Drake? Why not Drake & Shelby?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I don't know. It just sounds better. It's the music of it.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Drake & Shelby goes down.- What?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- RISING INTONATION: - Shelby & Drake! Da-da-da-da!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- FALLING INTONATION: - Drake & Shelby. Da-da-da-da. You see? It goes down.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Only if you do it like that. You could do...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- RISING INTONATION: Drake & Shelby! Da-da-da-da! - All right, fine.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35It's not a bother. Either way works.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- I'm just glad we're doing it again. - HE SIGHS
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Though I will have to tell that researcher on Britain's Got Talent
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- cos if we change the name... - What?- Oh, it's nothing.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- I just put in an application form. - For Britain's Got Talent?- Yeah.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It's all back now - you know, variety.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49- Massive viewing figures. - I can't believe...
0:10:49 > 0:10:52On what planet did you think I would humiliate myself
0:10:52 > 0:10:54by appearing on that programme...with you?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Well, I don't remember you being so fussy when Blankety Blank came knocking.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- I told you, they wouldn't have us both on.- Oh, really?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Yes, I tried, but they went with Lorraine Chase instead.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'd have killed in that bottom middle seat.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06That was the place to be. All the great clowns sat there -
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Everett, Starr, Doddy. - That is not the point.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I agreed to come back and do one last gig to an invited audience,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and I only said yes because your daughter wrote and told me that...
0:11:17 > 0:11:19What?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23That things haven't been great for you the last few years.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25What do you mean? What did she tell you?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Never mind.- No, go on. I want to know what she said.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Cheese & Crackers are not doing Britain's Got Talent.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39OK.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43But Drake & Shelby might, yeah? Let's rehearse the vent sketch.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14- You haven't gone, have you? - No. I'm still here.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I won't be able to lift you out. I've got this hiatus hernia.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Oh, sure. My knees are gone anyway.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- HE GROANS - We'll figure it out.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Right.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43- So, boys and girls, this is Vincent. Say hello, Vincent.- Hello, Vincent.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- What are your first impressions? - Sorry, I don't do impressions. Eh!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50No, no, I mean what do you hope to get out of this school?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53All the TVs and video recorders!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yeah, I thought, there, Tommy,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- we could update it and say computers instead.- Yeah, whatever.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01OK, Vincent, so, we'll give you a quick test. How's your grammar?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04She's very well, thank you. How's yours? Eh!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07No, no, I mean your English grammar. Where would you put a colon?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Up your bum! - HE SIGHS
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- What?- Nothing. Carry on. So, let's move onto maths.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17and he loses half of them, what has he got?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Foot-and-mouth disease.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22History. Where was the Magna Carta signed?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- At the bottom!- Geography. Where are the Andes?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26At the end of your armies!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, Jesus Christ! We can't do this, Len.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- No, no, carry on.- I can't. I can't bear it.- What's wrong?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Do you think punk rockers might be dated now?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Of course they are! They were dated in 1984!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This played to silence on Crackerjack, if you remember.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Janette Krankie wouldn't look us in the eye.- That's cos she's only 4ft.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47No, it's because it's poor. We need better material.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49We needed it then. We certainly need it now.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Just do the last bit - the drink bit.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56HE GARGLES
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- HE LAUGHS - You see?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02It's a cracking ending, Tommy.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Though we'll have to make sure the front row are close enough.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I want to get them all with that spit take.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Ooh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len.- Oh, come on.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- A laugh's a laugh however you word it.- Yeah, for you, maybe.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15You know what your problem is?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18You've lost your sparkle.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Yeah. You've got no joy in you any more.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You're like a shark. You've got dead, black eyes.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29All this corporate stuff you've been doing,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31this Angry Pineapple, it's sucked the life out of you.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- Tomato.- What?- It's Angry Tomato.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more, but I'm a different person now.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43You were no fun then. You've always been miserable.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47That's why it all dried up for us. People could sense it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51You killed Cheese & Crackers, Tommy. I'm sorry, but it has to be said.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You weren't always like this.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Remember when we first started out, back in the day?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04We used to cry with laughter at every little thing.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Yeah, well, the joke worn thin, didn't it?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- I'm going for a ciggie. Do you...?- No.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I stopped 20 years ago. So should you.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31DOOR CLOSES
0:16:02 > 0:16:04DOOR OPENS
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Looks like it's going to rain. - What's going on, Len?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- What's all this?- Nothing. They're just...props.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I thought we could have a play, like I said.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14What were you thinking for these?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea? - No, but it's a good thought.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Call it Sweeney Turd - boom, we're off.- Len. Len.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Are you...?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I can't believe I'm saying this. You're homeless, aren't you?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Well, our Leanne's got the baby now,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35and I have to be down here for voice-over work.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- When did you last do voice-over? - It was a while back, I grant you.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- I think it was for Tudor Crisps. - Why didn't you tell me?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- HE SIGHS - I didn't want you to be jealous.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Not about the crisps.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- About being homeless. How has that happened?- Don't know.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54It just sort of crept up on me. Missed a few payments.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Next thing I know, there's a sign on the door,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58all the locks have changed.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I had 15 minutes to grab what I could.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- So, where are you actually staying now?- Here and there.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Few nights at Leanne's.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10One or two other spots I've found.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I wish you'd told me sooner. I could have helped you.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I don't want your money, Tommy. I never did.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I just want you by my side.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23One last serving of Cheese & Crackers.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28HE SIGHS All right.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31What do you want to do next?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Well, I thought we could have a go at One Man Went To Mow.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You know, with all the quickfire impressions.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- But we can't do it now. - Well, we could if we practised.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42No, we can't do it cos they're all Yewtree.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43They're not, are they?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, God, you're right!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- He's not Yewtree, is he? - Not yet, but he will be.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52We could still do all the cartoon ones.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Ooh! Ooh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Do you think people still remember the Hair Bear Bunch?- Yes!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00People love remembering things that happened in the '70s.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01This lot don't.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- When I last did panto... - In 1992. Carry on.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07When I last did panto, I did them all -
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly, Mary, Mungo And Midge.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12What did you do for Mary, Mungo And Midge?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I just watched the lift go down.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Well, that must have been a fun evening.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Well, it wasn't easy being one ugly sister.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27All right, but shouldn't we be thinking of something more contemporary?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Who makes you laugh?- Eh?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33What current stuff do you watch that makes you laugh?
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- I've always admired that young lad Joe Pasquale.- He's 56!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40He's about as current as Kajagoogoo.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Funny bones, though. And he's a brilliant prop comic.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45But if you still want to make it in this game,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48you've got to follow what the rules are now.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50With my business head on, I'd be looking at current trends,
0:18:50 > 0:18:54gaps in the market. At the moment, we're an outdated model.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It's heritage comedy. It's magic, what we do.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- It's not a business. - It is a business, Len.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Show business.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And that's what you failed to grasp, and that's why...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06What?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Nothing.- No, tell me.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It's obviously been on your mind for 30 years.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17All right. Bernie Clifton's dressing room.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20What about Bernie Clifton's dressing room?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- You don't remember?- No.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24And that is my point.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Let's do Brown Bottles.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56OLD-TIME PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:17 > 0:20:19HE SIGHS
0:20:23 > 0:20:27HE STAMPS
0:20:27 > 0:20:30MUSIC STOPS
0:20:30 > 0:20:33MUSIC RESUMES
0:20:35 > 0:20:37HE SIGHS
0:20:39 > 0:20:40HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:20:40 > 0:20:43# Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:20:46 > 0:20:50# And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall
0:20:51 > 0:20:54# There'll be nine brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# Nine brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:20:57 > 0:21:01# And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall... #
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Come on, accidentally fall!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- I haven't finished this one yet! - HE SIGHS
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# There'll be eight brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:21:09 > 0:21:10# Eight brown bottles sitting... #
0:21:10 > 0:21:12You're not supposed to drink 'em!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15# And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall
0:21:15 > 0:21:18# There'll be seven brown, six brown bottles
0:21:18 > 0:21:19# Sitting on the wall
0:21:19 > 0:21:22# Five brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:21:22 > 0:21:25# And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall... #
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Oh! Sorry about that! - HE SIGHS
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# There'll be four brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# Four brown bottles sitting on the wall... #
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- What are you doing?- Elf and safety!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38# And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- # There'll be three brown bottles sitting on the wall... # - I need a wee!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# Three brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:21:44 > 0:21:46# And if one brown bottle... #
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Not there!
0:21:47 > 0:21:48# Should accidentally fall
0:21:50 > 0:21:54# There'll be two brown bottles sitting on the wall
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- # Two brown bottles sitting on the wall... # - Love you, Tommy.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# There'll be one brown bottle sitting on the wall... #
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Tommy Drake, ladies and gentlemen! - TOMMY CONTINUES SINGING
0:22:07 > 0:22:11He's so mean, you'd need a spanner to get 50p out of his hand.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Give us a kiss! - # There'll be no more bottles... #
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Oof!- And no more wall.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21HE LAUGHS
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Hey, takes it out of you, that one. It's funny, though.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28So, you don't remember Bernie Clifton's dressing room?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31No, I don't. Why do you have to keep bringing that up?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34We were on stage, Glasgow Pavilion, doing Brown Bottles.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36You walked off to get the broom. You never came back.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38You left me standing there, humiliated,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41vamping for ten minutes while the audience started
0:22:41 > 0:22:43slow handclapping, people shouting, "Where's the funny one?"
0:22:43 > 0:22:45HE CHUCKLES I walked off to find you
0:22:45 > 0:22:48in Bernie Clifton's dressing room lying on the floor,
0:22:48 > 0:22:49choking in your own vomit.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Probably cos I'd just necked seven bottles of beer in three minutes.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Yeah, and how many times a week did you do that?- I can't remember.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Of course you can't remember.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I'm surprised you remember anything from '83 to '87,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01the amount you drank.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- What are you saying? - You nearly died, Len!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You're an alcoholic.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And Bernie Clifton's dressing room was the last straw.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18- He had to destroy that ostrich, you know.- No, he didn't.- He did.
0:23:18 > 0:23:2025 quid, I had to give him, which I never saw back.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Well, it's very stressful, going out on stage every night, making people laugh.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- You don't need to tell me that. - How would you know, Thomas?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I was the one on the front foot driving it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You just stood there like a fucking pillar box.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Oh, and that's why you were drunk for ten years, is it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Oh, don't exaggerate.- You said I killed Cheese & Crackers...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41- ..because- I- was miserable?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Why do you think they wouldn't have you on Blankety Blank,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48why we died a death on Crackerjack?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51It was you.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You were always pissed.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I loved performing.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I loved being on stage every night.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Nothing gave me more joy. - So, why did you leave it all, then?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07To save you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You turned into a monster after six half-hours on Anglia.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I was frightened, if we got any bigger...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23You were killing yourself, so I walked away.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- But you came back, didn't you? - Yes! And I wish I'd never bothered!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30DOOR OPENS
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Sorry, am I interrupting?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38No. Just...going through my speech.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Hard to find the right words. - I'm sure you'll be fine.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- Aw, have you been looking through my dad's stuff?- Yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Yeah, brought back a lot of memories.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- He was a funny man.- He was.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- Are there many people here? - Quite a few, yeah.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Syd Little, a couple of Nolans.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Brought you the order of service. - Ooh, thanks.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You'll be on after Janette Krankie,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13so if you just give her a moment to move her box...
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- Oh, yeah.- My dad wanted it to be a celebration.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19One last gig to an invited audience.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21As long as they don't expect me to be funny.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Oh, no, I don't think anyone's expecting that.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Thanks for doing it, though.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I know you and my dad had unresolved business.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31We did, but, erm...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34..it's too late now.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Like I said earlier, just imagine he's here with you in the room.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Yeah.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46You will come to the do after, won't you, for a drink and a snack?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49We're, erm, having cheese and crackers.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Well, quite right, too.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Erm, we're going to be playing Tears Of Laughter
0:26:00 > 0:26:03when they bring him in, just so you're prepared.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09- OK.- Oh, I almost forgot.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15He wanted you to have this. He was very insistent.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20He said you'd know what it was about.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Thank you, old pal.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# It's almost time to say goodbye, ta-ta and fare-thee-well
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# It's almost time to bring the curtain down
0:27:21 > 0:27:22# I'll say adieu... #
0:27:22 > 0:27:23- To me?- To you.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# So long, it has been swell
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# But don't you cry the tears of a clown
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- BOTH:- # If you're going to cry
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Cry tears of laughter
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# A smile takes much less effort than a frown
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# So, let's have one more joke and raise the rafters
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# Cos laughter's the best medicine in town... #
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Doctor! Doctor! I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Ooh, don't worry. It's just a midwife crisis.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# Yes, if you're going to cry
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Cry tears of laughter
0:27:57 > 0:28:02# Your funny bone can never break in two
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Misery might let you win a BAFTA
0:28:05 > 0:28:10# But laughter is my memory of you... #
0:28:10 > 0:28:12There are three types of people in this world -
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- those that can count and those that can't.- Terrible!
0:28:15 > 0:28:19# Laughter is my memory of you... #
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Do you know, Tommy, I've spent the last four years
0:28:21 > 0:28:24looking for my mother-in-law's killer, but no-one will do it!
0:28:24 > 0:28:29# Yes, laughter is my memory of...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# You! #
0:28:37 > 0:28:41ORGAN PLAYS TEARS OF LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:00HE CLEARS HIS THROAT