0:00:02 > 0:00:04ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# I thought I'd start this evening with a jolly little song
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# So come on, don't just sit there
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Please join in and sing along
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Of course you may not want to, but as everybody knows
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# It's hard to sing a song when you do not know how it goes
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Still I will just continue on my own, if that's all right
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# Cos if I stop this early it will look quite unprofessional
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon show
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# And that's the title
0:00:39 > 0:00:41# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon show
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Ow!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# Welcome to my show now, which I hope you will enjoy
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# It's meant for every man and woman, every girl and boy
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# But not for lower life forms, they just wouldn't get the gags
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# It isn't aimed at gibbons, bats, rhinoceri or stags
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# It isn't aimed at fluke worms and it isn't aimed at wrens
0:01:01 > 0:01:04# It's aimed at us, the primates known as homo sapiens
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Dance!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon show
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# It's called It's Kevin
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Aargh! It's the Kevin Eldon show
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:25 > 0:01:26# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:26 > 0:01:27# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:27 > 0:01:32# Kevin Eldon show. #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46DRUNKEN SHOUTING
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Tommy, Tommy.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48SHOUTS CONTINUE
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Just trying to help you, mate. That's all.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52That's all.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55You're not helping yourself here, mate.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Tommy, listen, listen.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Tommy, there's no need to be so aggressive, mate.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You're OK. You're OK.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04You're OK.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'm Angelica, Tommy. Do you remember me?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Right, Tommy, go with Angelica into this room.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Go in here for me. Go on, that's it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- All right.- In you go. That's it. In.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Right, got your gown on?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Let's get you done up.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32That's it.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Everything's laid out for you.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38OK.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Can you just keep still a minute, Tommy, and I'll get you done up?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Yeah, so here we are.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Now, look, cards on table,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49this probably isn't the slickest gig in town.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50< Aaargh!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54And it's certainly not particularly subtle or erudite.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Bu-yeah! Bu-yeah!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02But at least it's made by somebody who cares.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04HARP GLISSANDO
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Right, let's crack on.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Yep, yep, yep.- Definitely.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Do you know what we should build? - What?- A pyramid.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21A pyramid. You know, like the triangle, 3D, pyramid.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. A pyramid. - We should build one. A massive one.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of, err, mud.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Yeah, mud. Yeah, yeah. No. Wood! - Yeah, yeah. No, stone.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Yeah, stone. You know big blocks of stone, yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Loads of blocks of stone. - Loads, yeah.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Million.- Million blocks of stone. - Yeah, million blocks of stone.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36No, two million blocks of stone.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Yeah, yeah. Two million blocks of stone.- We should build a couple.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- What?- Pyramids.- Yeah, yeah. Build a few, build a few.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Oh, yeah, yeah.- Look great in the middle of the desert.- Yeah, yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Also, also we should build a great big cat.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48A cat, a big cat, 400 cubits high.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Yeah, yeah. No, 500 cubits high.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Yeah, 500 cubits high. Yeah, with bird's feet.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Yeah, no, with a bloke's face, with a hat on.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Yeah, bloke's face with a hat on.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58We must definitely do that first thing in the morning.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Ooh, what if it's nose falls off? - What nose?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01The bird's, cat's, bloke's nose thing.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- That'll be fine.- It'll be fine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Bird, cat, lion, tiger, evil thing and pyramids.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Lots of pyramids, great big, really high, really high.- Yeah, how high?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Really high, really, really high. - Yeah, definitely, definitely.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Yeah, yeah.- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Definitely.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Ooh, it's a bit chilly in here.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Oh, Bob, Bob! Come over here a minute.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22This is Bob, the studio caretaker.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24He's a real character.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Well, he's not real. Well, he's a real character.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28No, actually, he's an actor. Where you going with that?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Oh, handing it into the lost property office.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- How do you know it's lost? - Oh, I'm lost all right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Very civic-minded of you, Bob. He's very civic minded.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40# Et toi, c'est moi, c'est David Dubois. #
0:04:51 > 0:04:54You join us now at the white coat window on the world
0:04:54 > 0:04:56of worldwide wonders with, wow, Wendy Wilson.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Wendy, welcome and well-o.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Hello. Soundtracketts.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Soundtracketts, indeed.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's a very rare medical condition, where those affected are born with
0:05:07 > 0:05:11a musical soundtrack accompanying their words and actions.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And I have with me here a sufferer.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- This is Bill Cairns. - Hello, Bill.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16- FANFARE - Hello.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Bill, could you tell us when you first noticed this condition?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- MUSIC BOX CHIMES - Well, even as a very young child
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I noticed that there was something different about me.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And I'm sure the viewers at home can hear the effect of the soundtrack,
0:05:27 > 0:05:28- as Bill is speaking. - It's incredible.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And it's fascinating how much the types of music vary, isn't it?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- GERMAN OOMPAH MUSIC:- It varies enormously, Wendy. It really does.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- MUSIC: "The Entertainer" - It's an entertaining
0:05:36 > 0:05:37aspect of the condition.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39In all the years I've suffered from it,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42there really seems to be no end of different musical accompaniments.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43MUSIC: "Laughing Policeman"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It's funny. It makes me laugh actually,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48because mostly the music perfectly matches what I'm saying.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Just occasionally...
0:05:49 > 0:05:50KAZOO PLAYS "God Save The Queen"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52..it doesn't.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Now watch this.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Bill, can I ask you to unbutton a shirt button?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59MUSIC: "The Stripper"
0:05:59 > 0:06:01And now can I ask you to scratch yourself?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04MUSIC: "Little Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert
0:06:04 > 0:06:05And if I give you this lighter?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12MUSIC: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy
0:06:12 > 0:06:14So, so Bill, this, this can't be very easy to live with.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15MUSIC: THEME TO "Our Tune"
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It's actually caused me quite a lot of sorrow in my life.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21But about three years ago I met a wonderful woman called Virginia.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23MUSIC: "Virginia Plain" by Roxy Music
0:06:23 > 0:06:25We just fell head over heels in love.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- We were married last year. - MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Oh, married. That's...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34..so, er, so, Wendy, is this condition treatable?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Sadly there's no sign of a cure yet, is there, Bill?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38MUSIC: "The Lovecats" by The Cure
0:06:38 > 0:06:39A cure? No. There is no cure.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43So, as things stand, this is for life.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44EASTENDERS DRUM CLIMAX
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But it's not all bad, because, as Bill will tell you,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52despite this disability, he's still able to lead a full and active life.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- SPORTS THEMES AND NATIONAL SONGS PLAY - Yes, I play football, I ski.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Italy, France.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Well, do you know what Bill?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Your courage and determination are an inspiration to us all.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03So, thanks, Wendy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Pleasure.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- And thank you, Bill.- Cheers.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09MUSIC: THEME TO "Cheers"
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Hey, what would it be like if naughty German Adolf Hitler had
0:07:15 > 0:07:19actually spoken with the voice of the Beatles producer George Martin?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Hmmm? Hurrr? Oooh?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26AS GEORGE MARTIN: So it was early 1939, and me
0:07:26 > 0:07:30and the boys finally marched into Austria, bold as brass.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33And I immediately knew that we were onto something big.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So as soon as I got back,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I called an emergency meeting of the German high command.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40They were all terribly excited.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43And I said, "Well, congratulations, chaps. Looks like we've got
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"ourselves a smash hit.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"Now can anybody think of a snappy title
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"for the enforced annexation of a foreign nation?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:55And I remember Heinrich Himmler, who was always ready with a cheeky quip,
0:07:55 > 0:08:00immediately piped up with, "Well, how about the Anschluss, mein Fuhrer?"
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And we all fell about laughing and the name stuck.
0:08:04 > 0:08:10And that was the beginning of what the press later dubbed "Nazimania".
0:08:10 > 0:08:14And, looking back, it wasn't that far off the mark.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Because what followed over the next few years was a kind of madness.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Madness.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Madness.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Madness.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Madness!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Madness!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35BEATLESEQSUE RENDITION OF "Deutschland Uber Alles"
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Hmm, bit like that.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Coming soon to BBC1.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Sid and Nelson are back,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48and the sparks are still flying in the all-new Love Thy Neighbour.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49- Hey, hey.- Hey what?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51What you doing, nicking my paper?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I wasn't nicking it, I was swapping it you daft bluebottle.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Don't you call me bluebottle, you dirty tomato, or I'll thump you one.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Just you try it, son, and I'll knock you black and blue.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Watch it, brake light! Careful what you say.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05You know this used to be a nice area,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07before you cold taps moved in here.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Oh, yeah?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Well, it would be a nicer area if you riding hoods moved out.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Denim!- Lipstick!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Avatar!- Strawberry!
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Are you two at it again?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Honestly, they're as bad as each other.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The all-new Love Thy Neighbour... in colour!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Here, Bob, I thought you were taking that to the lost property office?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I can't find it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I thought it was on floor nine.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38So, Bob, how long were you a bottler?
0:09:40 > 0:09:41A bottler?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Yes. Someone who works in a bottling factory.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46What makes you think...?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Your delayed response is indicative of
0:09:48 > 0:09:51hearing loss consistent with having worked in a noisy environment.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53There's faint crenulations on your neck,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56as there would be if you'd spent a period of time looking up at nozzles.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59There are slight indentations on the pads of your finger and thumb,
0:09:59 > 0:10:00decreasing in depth from front to back,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03which suggests prolonged bouts of screwing on bottle tops.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06That's amazing, Kevin. I was never a bottler, though.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09But I was a butler.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Hey, I've always wondered. What does a butler do on his day off?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Oh, me day off.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I used to enjoy my one day off a year.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I'd have a nice lie-in,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24then I'd just, you know, chill out at home, take it easy.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Then maybe I'd meet some butler mates in the park.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27One of us would bring a ball.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Then, in the evening, I'd just kick back and watch a bit of telly.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37So why did you give up being a butler, then?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, you had to be too subservient. I've got my pride.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Fair enough.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It's time for winning big prize in UK,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49with Portuguese Horrible Lottery!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52UK lottery, lottery for losers.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Chance of winning, one in 14 million.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57But with Portuguese Horrible Lottery,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59chance of winning, one in 10!
0:10:59 > 0:11:03That's right. One in ten will win prize.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04But HORRIBLE prize.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Win! A rusty skip, full of dead dogs.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Win! A bag of assorted toenails.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Win! Trousers found in alleyway, with dreadful content.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Win! Punch in stupid face from stranger on doorstep.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Ooh! Oh! Oh!
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Ooh!
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Oh!
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Gawd!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Oh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Gawd! Oh!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Ooh!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Oh!
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Oh!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Ooh!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Aaargh!
0:11:51 > 0:11:55You will WIN! And prize will be HORRIBLE, and that is promise.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Portuguese Horrible Lottery!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's Portuguese!
0:11:59 > 0:12:00It's horrible!
0:12:06 > 0:12:11He's not listening to me. He's just being polite.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He's looking straight past me.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Obviously someone more important or successful in the room to talk to.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20VOICEOVER: Are you tired of being overlooked at parties?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Then you need Shoulder Millionaires.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27With JK Rowling and Bill Gates on your shoulders,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29how can you fail to be the most interesting
0:12:29 > 0:12:33and well-connected person at any social gathering?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Our range also includes the Madonna-Osborne
0:12:36 > 0:12:37and the Mitchell-Mugabe.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Shoulder Millionaires, from the makers of Crutch Beggars.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Right, I'd better get on with looking
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- for this lost property office.- Hmm.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So if you can, er..
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Oh, sorry.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I tell you what, Bob, why don't you go and have a look
0:12:55 > 0:12:58behind the milking sheds, and I'll have a look over here?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Good idea.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Now, let's see. Lost property.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Ah, now, you see, it's the doctor sketch.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh, well, might as well, seeing as we're here.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Thanks, Alison.- Aaargh!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Come in.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Doctor, I keep repeating everything I say in different ways,
0:13:23 > 0:13:24styles, terms.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Yes, there's a lot of it about at the moment.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Could it be treated, cured, put right?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It will pass in a day or two.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32But I'm afraid it is highly contagious, spreading,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34infectious, catching.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I see, understand, comprehend, intellectually grasp.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Just avoid speaking to anyone for the next few days, diurnal,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41revolution, solar passages.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Righto, doctor. Cheerio!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44- Bye.- Adios.- Ta-ra.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45- Toodle pip.- Ciao.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46- Farewell.- Cheers.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Doctor's sketch there. Thanks, Alison.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Aaargh!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Release the fly!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Have you ever noticed that you're in a house, aren't you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00And, er, a fly starts buzzing around.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01FLY BUZZES
0:14:01 > 0:14:03What's that all about?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's attention-seeking behaviour resulting from extrovert tendencies.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08FLY BUZZES
0:14:28 > 0:14:31And I would say that the fly buzzing around now is definitely
0:14:31 > 0:14:35in need of hypnotherapy, in order to realign its behavioural patterns.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Right, well, do your stuff, then.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39OK, well, so first I just need to grasp the fly
0:14:39 > 0:14:43firmly by the head in order to establish direct eye contact.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45So, er...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47FLY CONTINUES TO BUZZ
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Ooh, it's hard to pin down, isn't it?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yes, this one's very skittish.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh, look, look, look, look.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It's landed on that enormous strawberry mousse over there.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57So, if I just very carefully...
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Oh!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00SPLAT!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Whoops!
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Oh, it's off again.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04FLY BUZZES
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Don't worry. I'll get it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, now it's landed on that giant cactus
0:15:08 > 0:15:10in that earthenware pot over there.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12If I just...
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Oh!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15SMASH!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Whoops.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18FLY BUZZES
0:15:19 > 0:15:20OK, now, where is it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Ah, now it's landed on that huge box of blown up balloons,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26clown car horns and multi-coloured feathers over there.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Right, if I just...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Hup!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31PLATE SMASHES, BALLOON POPS AND CAR HORN TOOTS
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Whoops!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35FLY BUZZES
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I almost got it there.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Ah, now it's landed on that very, very,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42very large vat of excrement over there.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Sandwiches.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01They're everywhere.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Did you know that, at any given nanosecond, there are at least
0:16:05 > 0:16:1057 billion sandwiches in existence in the world?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And if those sandwiches were laid crust to crust,
0:16:13 > 0:16:19they'd stretch all the way from here to Mars and then back here again.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20And then back again to Mars.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24And then back here again.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25And then back again to Mars.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28And then back here again.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34And imagine how many sandwiches there would be if the Chinese,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38instead of pancake rolls, ate sandwiches.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43But it's a fact that only an intrinsically evil person
0:16:43 > 0:16:48would deny that sandwiches didn't start off being called sandwiches.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50And back again to Mars.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So I replied, "For someone with such a round head,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"you're certainly very cavalier."
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Lord Wimpole, you are so droll.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04'Tis my narrative method.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Now, let us try our luck once more.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Lord Turdington, what are you doing with those two pieces of bread
0:17:10 > 0:17:11and that piece of cheese?
0:17:11 > 0:17:16Oh, I see it as a mere bagatelle of my own invention.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21By placing the cheese betwixt the bread, I create a snack of ease
0:17:21 > 0:17:23and convenience.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Behold.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25- Ah-ha.- Oh.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I call it a Turdington.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Begad. This idea of yours has given me an idea, Lord Turdington.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Come over to the fire with that and bring a long fork.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40You intrigue me, Lord Toastie.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41And then back here again.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45So how did Turdingtons become known as sandwiches?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Well, in the early days, Turdingtons were mostly eaten at beach
0:17:48 > 0:17:52picnics and it's at these events that the phrase "I am
0:17:52 > 0:17:56removing the sand which has got into my Turdington" became so commonplace
0:17:56 > 0:18:01that eventually Turdingtons became exclusively known as sandwiches.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03It's interesting, isn't it?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05But how do you make the perfect sandwich?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07And back again to Mars.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10If you just put a bit of cress between two slices of Mother's Pride,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I find it's better than a thousand orgasms at the same time.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Oh, I swim out to a seal and I strangle it,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22and then cut it in half, and then I eat the bottom half raw,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25on some pitta bread, which, which is delicious.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I don't need to eat for a month after that.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29I just throw some bread at a pig.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33The best sandwich I ever tasted I found in a plastic bag under
0:18:33 > 0:18:35a train seat.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I don't know what was in it.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Orangey, yellow, sticky stuff.
0:18:40 > 0:18:46It was sort of quite tangy, with a kind of fishy aftertaste.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I still think of that sandwich sometimes.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52At night, if I can't sleep.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Yum-yum.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57And then back here again.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00A few tips there on how to make the perfect sandwich.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02But here to guide me through the process is world renowned
0:19:02 > 0:19:04sandwich expert Hosni Mubarak.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- OK, Hosni, I start with a single piece of bread.- No.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Oh, like that?- No.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11- That then?- No.- Like that?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12No.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- But it's just lying there.- No.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15- Turn it over?- No.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Well, I'm a bit stumped.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17It's got to be perfect.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Obviously, if it's going to be the perfect...- Perfect sandwich.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- So what am I doing wrong? - It's not perfect.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- OK, er, is it the breadboard? Turn like that?- No.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Like that?- No. - Well, it can't be the edge.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31No. No.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Oh, erm. Oh, I know, if I...- No.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Really?- No.- But if I? - No.- Yeah, but you haven't.- No.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44No. ..No.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49No. No. No. No. No.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- What's wrong with that?- No. - It's just lying there.- No.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56No.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58No.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- No.- All right. OK, it's obviously a lot harder than it looks.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Hosni Mubarak, please show me how to make a perfect sandwich.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24My God!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26That sandwich is perfect.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- I must...- No.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Just a bite.- No.- Just a nibble.- No. - Just a few crumbs.- No.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Can I touch it?- No.- OK, keep your perfect sandwich, then!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Hey, did anyone see Shoe Shop this week?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Naa-aa-aa-o!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And in that instance you did fail to effect
0:20:47 > 0:20:50the purchase of a can of Suede Guard to go with a pair of Hush Puppies.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53The penalty...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Go on, Steve.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02..the elastic band.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06For God's sake, Diane, she's 41 years old.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Do you defy me, sir?
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Forgive me.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Ow!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Oh, that really blood stings! Get me ice!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- No.- You can't deny her ice. - I said no ice.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32- She must have ice. - There will be no ice.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Get me ice!- She needs ice.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Oh, all right, get her ice.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I am a fictional man from the North of England with fictional
0:21:57 > 0:22:00tales from about and pertaining to the North of England.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04It's a simple enough premise, for God's sake, go along with it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Anyway, t'other day I were taking my dog, Champion
0:22:06 > 0:22:10the Wonder Horse, for his afternoon constitutional through t'derelict
0:22:10 > 0:22:13shopping mall when suddenly out of an old abandoned Spud-u-Like
0:22:13 > 0:22:16burst Harold Melvin n'Bluenotes, Smokey Robinson n'Miracles and
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Diana Ross and one of t'Supremes.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19T'other Supreme apparently
0:22:19 > 0:22:22were at home waiting for the bloke to come and fix her boiler.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Anyway, there they were, all these Motown stars of yesteryear,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29all doing the slickly-choreographed dance routines
0:22:29 > 0:22:32and close harmonies they're so justly famous for.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34But suddenly, they turned and started coming at me,
0:22:34 > 0:22:40accusing me of taking mutually contradictory ethical standpoints.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44"Oh, you won't buy Nestle products, but you'll fly in an aeroplane.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45"That's a dichotomy!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Ooh, I were that upset that I ran all the way home
0:22:47 > 0:22:50and when I got home I did not fill out a pools coupon,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I did not even steep me feet in a bowl of hot Dettol.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I just ran upstairs and fell into an uneasy slumber
0:22:55 > 0:22:58and had a disquieting dream about Colin Cowdrey.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01There you go. That's life in the North of England, in't it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:07It's enough to make a camel do the rumbababababarbarann.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I said the rumbabababarbarann, I said a rumbabababarbarann...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Ow! Now just a quick reminder, but if any of you guys are digilog worms
0:23:22 > 0:23:24you can spacebrowse a contents marker version of the show
0:23:24 > 0:23:26on Kevineldon hash forward slash-gash.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Or if you prefer to surf the e-book, you can find me at BBC 2 extrathindot marketwhore.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32If you're a dribbler and you want to hear, add or subtract
0:23:32 > 0:23:36from all the latest dribbles then dribble on keldondribblerad and dribbleon.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38If you're keen on a virtual tour around my ribs to find out
0:23:38 > 0:23:41what colour my intercostal muscles are, you can push any red button
0:23:41 > 0:23:43you see anywhere and imagine what they might be like.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46And don't forget, there's always the option to tag my XING or badoo
0:23:46 > 0:23:49my skycloud either on Microsoft, macrohard or mediumfloppy. Ow!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- All right, Ben?- Hello, Ben.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57- Morning, Ben.- Morning, Ben.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01- Ben.- Oh, hiya, Ben.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Hiya, Ben.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05SPOOKY SCI-FI MUSIC
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Let's see what's coming up in next week's show.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'll be taking the coffee test.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25There's another round of What's That Smell?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Pork! No, soot.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29And we investigate why summer
0:24:29 > 0:24:32bookings are down at the Doncaster Ice Hotel.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41So, there you go. First show in the series.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Don't know, some people might say
0:24:43 > 0:24:45it's a bit, you know, disjointed but...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50And the rest of them smell of plankton.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52But now, to take us out,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55here's Switzerland's biggest singing sensation.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's Popsox and Mobile Phone. Good night!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04CHEESY EUROPOP BEAT
0:25:09 > 0:25:12# I was thinking about you
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# I was feeling alone
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# So I decided to call you
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# On my mobile phone
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Brr brr! Calling your mobile phone
0:25:30 > 0:25:31# Brr brr! From my mobile phone
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# You and I got a mobile phone
0:25:35 > 0:25:39# We've both got mobile phones
0:25:39 > 0:25:40# Hey!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# You were thinking about me
0:25:59 > 0:26:02# You were feeling alone
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# So you decided to call me
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# On your mobile phone
0:26:12 > 0:26:17# Brr brr! Calling my mobile phone
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# Brr brr! From your mobile phone
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# You and I got a mobile phone
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# We both got mobile phones
0:26:28 > 0:26:29# Oh!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# Brr brr! Calling your mobile phone
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# From my mobile phone
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# Calling my mobile phone. #
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Hey, Bob. What you doing?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Well, Kevin, I found the lost property office.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Turns out to be down the back of your sofa.- Oh!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54And also, I found this lot down here.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- A packet of Rizla.- Always handy.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- An old Chinese menu. - I wondered where that had got to.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02And this magazine.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Mildly Flirtatious Ladies.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05All right, Bob.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd