0:00:02 > 0:00:04'Ladies and gentlemen - it's Kevin.'
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# Oh, welcome to my show now and this is the second one
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# The last was first, the next the third
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# There's six, all said and done
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# And if you're a reviewer and you've said my show is poor
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# I'll find out where you live and I will hurt you with a saw
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# But as for all the rest of you, I hope you're feeling great
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# Sit back, relax, undo your slacks
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# You've got yourselves a date
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:37 > 0:00:38# And that's the title
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Oh, oh it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon... Wah, wah, wah!
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# Welcome to my show now, which I'm proud to bring to you
0:00:49 > 0:00:52# Ably assisted by a most hard-working crew
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# That's Alison, on costume And there's Emma there, on sound
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# And I don't know what he does
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# But he's just nice to have around, chat... #
0:00:59 > 0:01:02THEY JABBER INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:01:06 > 0:01:08# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:08 > 0:01:12# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show It's called It's Kevin
0:01:12 > 0:01:17# Aargh, it's the Kevin Eldon show It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:21 > 0:01:22# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:22 > 0:01:30# Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-o-w! #
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Ah, Mr Darwin.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46The first I have seen of you since we left the Galapagos Islands.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Admiral Fitzroy, will you permit me to outline a theory?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52I should be honoured.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59What if the beaks of the Galapagos finches were somehow
0:01:59 > 0:02:01an adaptive development?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07What if all life were in a permanent state of flux...
0:02:07 > 0:02:12caused by ever cumulative evolutionary changes?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15What if, Admiral Fitzroy,
0:02:15 > 0:02:22life's myriad variations were not the work of a single creator?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27HE GURGLES, ROARS AND SHRIEKS
0:02:37 > 0:02:40'Hey, what are you doing?'
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'm banging my head against the wall.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46'What are you doing now?'
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I'm eating all my gloves.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51'We've all got things we'd rather be doing.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52'But don't put it off.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55'If you don't send a birthday card to the Queen by April the 21st,
0:02:55 > 0:03:02'there's a fine of £5,000, plus a possible conviction for sedition.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08'So why not send your birthday card to the Queen without delay?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11'You can buy a card at most high street card shops.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16'Or why not file your card online at erbirthday.co.uk?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20'Whichever way you do it, it's really not that hard.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24'The Queen's birthday card. On with her head!'
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Hello, I'm Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34That's right, he is.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And Jeremy, you hold a world record yourself, don't you?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Yes, that's right.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I hold the world record for the largest matchbox collection in Kent.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- How many have you got?- 20.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45- Where do you keep them all? - In a drawer.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48That has literally made me feel sick.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53You're here to watch me try to break the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- What's the current record?- One. - Right, so it's one to beat.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- And I must say I'm very excited about...- Go!
0:04:08 > 0:04:09And stop.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Ooh, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- So how many times did I say nothing in ten seconds?- One.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh! One more and I'd have beaten the world record.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Yes, hard luck.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Oh!- Hard luck. - Gah!- Hard luck.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Whoar!- Hard luck. - Hew!- Hard luck.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Heh!- Hard luck. - Phoot!- Hard luck.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Mmmm!- Hard luck. - Gerr!- Hard luck.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Wowow!- Hard luck.- Errr!- Hard luck. - Ssss!- Hard luck.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Phow!- Hard luck.- Ph-diss!- Hard luck.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Swhee!- Hard luck. - Gah!- Hard luck.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38- Phow!- Hard luck.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47'Meet Max Cooper. Just an ordinary guy - right?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51'Wrong. For whenever Max Cooper sees injustice and crime,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54'Max Cooper becomes indignant about that.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57'He doesn't like it.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00'And it is then that for seven complicated reasons,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03'Max Cooper mutates into...'
0:05:03 > 0:05:06GROWLING AND CRACKING SOUNDS
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Put it back.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Put what back?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43That animal pottery you have just stolen and are hiding in your coat.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Put it back right now. - Or what?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55GROWLING AND CRACKING SOUNDS
0:05:55 > 0:05:57SHE SCREAMS
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Excuse me, but aren't you the Incredible Moose-Human?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yes, I am.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh, well, look.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It seems that in her hurry to get away, our friend dropped something.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24'And so once again, society is a safer place due to the vigilance
0:06:24 > 0:06:26'and courage of...'
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Adrian - your tea's ready!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32'Oh, thanks, Mum. I'll be down in a minute.'
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Don't let it get cold!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- 'OK!'- ..The Incredible Moose-Human. - 'Coming, Mum!'
0:06:38 > 0:06:43FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN STAIRS
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That looks like thirsty work, Kevin.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I thought you might like a nice glass of water.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Oh, thanks, Bob. That's really, er, that's, er... I'll just, er...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- You all right, then? - Oh, I couldn't be better.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Glad to hear it. - Well, I say couldn't be better.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I've actually got terrible arm dandruff.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Ooh!- Yeah. It's embarrassing. I only have to shake my arm and...
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Oh, that's bad.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah, it's a nervous condition.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17I've had it ever since I had this stressful job a few years back.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Well, why don't you tell us all about...? Oh, you're going to.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25'I got a job at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29'A maze of 223 museum gift shops from all over the country,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31'and all under one roof.'
0:07:31 > 0:07:32What did you do there?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34'Well, they put me in the Museum Gift Shop.'
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So, wait a minute.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41You were working at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum Museum Gift Shop?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44'Yeah, and I suffered terrible stress and headaches.'
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Busy, was it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48'No. Hardly anyone ever came in.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52'But every time I tried to actually get into my head where it was
0:07:52 > 0:07:54'I was working, I'd black out
0:07:54 > 0:07:57'and wake up naked on the banks of the Thames.'
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Hmm, sounds like you're best off out of it.- Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Hey, Bob - have you tried new Head and Elbows?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- No, I haven't.- Well, have mine. I don't need it anymore.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Well, I've got nothing to lose.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Except your arm dandruff.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18'Here - I wonder what it would be like if Nazi pig dog Adolf Hitler
0:08:18 > 0:08:21'had spoken with the voice of pop genius Sir George Martin.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23'Eh? Ah...'
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:- And after we'd taken Austria by storm,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30well, things started happening pretty quickly.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32And within nine months to a year,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35we were number one in most countries in Europe.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Poland, Czechoslovakia, the list goes on.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42But a lot of people think it was an overnight success,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45but in fact we'd already built up a fanatical local following
0:08:45 > 0:08:47at our Nuremberg rallies.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And I remember, even at those gigs,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I could hardly hear myself screaming above all the screaming,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57and I'd have to keep dodging the copies of Mein Kampf,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01which fans were throwing onstage for me to sign.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05But I do recall thinking to myself at one of those early appearances,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09well, if we don't at least reincorporate the Sudetenland into
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Germany's borders in the next few years or so, then I am a Chinaman.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15And I'm not.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17I'm not a Chinaman.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm not Chinese.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- GERMAN ACCENT:- I am not Chinese!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I have never been Chinese!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31BEATLES STYLE HARMONIES: # Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles... #
0:09:31 > 0:09:33'Yeah, it would be like that.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Right, there you go, Bob. Do me a favour.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Stick this lot together again.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45This glue is nearly past its sell-by date. It seems a shame to waste it.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46- Right-ho.- Cheers.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49DISTANT THUDDING
0:09:51 > 0:09:54What's that?
0:09:54 > 0:09:59THUDDING GETTING CLOSER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Here we go again.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It's Godzilla Black.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Surprise, surprise!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It's not actually that much of a surprise, is it, Godzilla Black,
0:10:15 > 0:10:20when we can hear you coming five minutes before you actually get here?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Oh! Oh, well. You won't be wanting these then!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- SHE SOBS LOUDLY - Aww, are these for me?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Oh, I'm sorry, love, I didn't... No, no, now come back!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I forgot how sensitive she is.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Godzilla Black!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39SHE SOBS
0:10:41 > 0:10:47The Kaiser is marshalling his forces here, here and here.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Artillery are pinned down by the river
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and our supply lines are cut off.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Damn!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You know, Marlborough, in bed this morning, I had
0:10:58 > 0:11:03an idea for ending this rotten war once and for all, just like that.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Well, let's hear it, man.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Well, there's the thing.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Forgot to write it down.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Went straight back to sleep.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Now for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18You know what?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I like the sound of this idea of yours.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24What? The one I can't remember?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Whether you can remember it or not, it's the best idea we've got.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Pembleton, connect me to the Prime Minister.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yes, but look here, Marlborough, I can't actually...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- 'Marlborough?' - Prime Minister.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39'Good news, I hope.'
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Beg pardon, sir. Ready to go over the top, sir.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Good show, Sergeant. How's morale?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, it couldn't be better, sir.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Talk of this Winstanley plan's got the men all of a fizz, sir.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Home by Christmas is what I heard, sir.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Blimey. I can't wait to see my sweetheart for turkey,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08sprouts and all the trimmings, sir.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Here, sir.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, it's, er... You've got a picture of...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Of Christmas dinner, sir. Yes, sir. I carry it with me always, sir.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Them peas are grown from my own garden, sir.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And fine, bonny peas they are too, Sergeant.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Thank you, sir.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26- Carry on, Sergeant.- Yes, sir!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Ah - here he is.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33The man who's going to win us the Great War.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Anything yet? - Shush, shush - I nearly had it then.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I don't want to rush you, but...
0:12:39 > 0:12:45Something about...parquet flooring? No. Wait a minute.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48I remember!
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Oh, thank God!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Quickly...
0:12:54 > 0:12:58issue the order for everybody to get into the giant mechanical crabs!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The giant mechanical...
0:13:03 > 0:13:07EXPLOSIONS AND SCREAMING
0:13:07 > 0:13:11'Winstanley's plan died with him on the fields of Flanders.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15'And so the Great War ground mercilessly on until 1978,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19'when it was finally killed off by disco.'
0:13:19 > 0:13:24DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:24 > 0:13:27'It's curtains for everyone!'
0:13:27 > 0:13:29# Everyone's got windows And windows can't be bare
0:13:29 > 0:13:31# So come on down to Certain Curtains, curtains everywhere
0:13:31 > 0:13:33# Cotton, satin, silk
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# Pull yourself together Don't go off the rails
0:13:35 > 0:13:37# With Certain Curtains, curtain service never, ever fails. #
0:13:37 > 0:13:41'Certain Curtains - well hung.'
0:13:42 > 0:13:45'Introducing Amateur Prime Minister.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48'The magazine for Britain's ninth fastest growing hobby.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51'Whether you're reshuffling your cabinet,
0:13:53 > 0:13:57'ratifying fishing quotas, or bringing back hanging,
0:13:57 > 0:14:01'Amateur Prime Minister will fill your parliamentary agenda.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04'Issue 1 has tips on building your own seat of power.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09'And - a free balloon of the Croatian Prime Minister,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12'building up week by week into an inflatable summit.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17'Amateur Prime Minister - it's time to return to your constituency
0:14:17 > 0:14:19'and pretend at government.'
0:14:26 > 0:14:30'Maureen and John was a phenomenally successful Thames Television
0:14:30 > 0:14:35'sitcom, which ran from 1980 till 1987, starring Julie Stott and Dennis Best.'
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Maureen?- John.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Maureen!- John!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Maureen!- John!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Mau-reen...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48'But tragedy struck. A heavy smoker all his life,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50'Dennis Best died at the age of only 46,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52'when he fell out of a train.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54'The producers wasted no time in recasting the part of John
0:14:54 > 0:14:59- 'with actor Brian Tremaine...' - Maureen.- John!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01'..who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.'
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Maureen.- John.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Maureen.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07'But the same chemistry just wasn't there.'
0:15:07 > 0:15:08John!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10'When Julie Stott left the series in 1986,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13'to star in South African sitcom Call Me Bwana,
0:15:13 > 0:15:15'she was replaced by actress Philippa Morgan...'
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Maureen.- John.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20'..who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.'
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Maureen.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23John.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25'And was taking a course of hormone pills,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27'in preparation for a sex change.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30'But it seems the magic of the golden years had faded.'
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Maureen. - DEEPER VOICE: John.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37'In 1987, with viewing figures down to just 18 million,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40'the series was cancelled.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44'Brian Tremaine went on to receive treatment for his alcohol addiction
0:15:44 > 0:15:46'and now owns a chain of off-licences.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49'And Philippa Morgan successfully underwent surgery,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52'changing her name to Eric Pickles.'
0:15:55 > 0:15:58HE SINGS IN FRENCH
0:16:07 > 0:16:10'Queuing. It's a great British tradition,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13'like the Proms and dogging.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18'But people from around the world often underestimate just
0:16:18 > 0:16:22'how seriously we in this country take the great British queue.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27'Let's face it, when it comes down to it, we're a funny old lot.'
0:16:27 > 0:16:32But did you know, for example, that 83% of all couples first
0:16:32 > 0:16:35have sex with each other in a queue?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Or that if you're the 17th person standing in a queue you're
0:16:37 > 0:16:41statistically more likely to get pecked on the larynx by a chaffinch?
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Want to know more about queues? Well, you're in luck, because here's queuing guru Benny Sweet.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Benny, when was the first queue?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- 10th of June 1341. - And who was in that queue?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Peasants.- What were they queuing for?- To have their legs chopped off.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- What had they done to deserve that? - Nothing.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- And what's the origin of the word queue?- French.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- And what does it mean?- Wankers.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00What happens if you're in a queue and it's hit by falling space debris?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Bury the dead, phone NASA and reform the queue.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Now, you've got a photographic record
0:17:04 > 0:17:06of your lifetime of queuing, haven't you?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Yep. Queuing for a Slade concert, 1972.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Oh, look at your tank top.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Queuing to sign on, 1981.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Oh, look at your despair.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Queuing for a Tamagotchi, 1990.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Oh, look at your... What's that?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Mumps.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Jesus.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Queuing for an edible wig, 2000.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Oh, now, edible wigs, never really took off, did they?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Ginger ones were nice.- Yeah, I ate one once. Found a hair in it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36So who, in your experience, are worst at queuing?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Florists, diabetics, cats. - In that order?- No.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42And if you don't like queuing, you can go to Benny's special
0:17:42 > 0:17:45queuing centre and do all your queuing in one go, can't you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Yeah. You stand in a queue for 37 weeks non-stop.- And then?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Accredited certificate. Guarantees lifetime front of queue access.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And finally, Benny, how would you sum up your philosophy of life?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Could be at the back. - Thanks, Benny.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59That's really interesting.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And now, without further ado, lights, camera...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Excuse me!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Oh, sorry, didn't mean to jump in.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Thank you. And now, without further ado, it's lights, camera, auction!
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Sorry!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17What's going on?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19So, I shall open the bidding with 17 million pounds.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Do I hear 17 million pounds, anybody? 17 million pounds?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24No? Perhaps I've started the bidding a little high. Very well.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- DEEPER VOICE:- 17 million pounds. We have 17 million pounds.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Thank you very much, sir. 18 million pounds.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Thank you very much, madam. 19 million pounds.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Thank you, Mr Blair. 20 million pounds. Thank you, Sir Fred...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36MUSICIANS PLAY IN BACKGROUND
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Here's to 40 wonderful years, my darling. Happy anniversary.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Cheers.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Well, who would have thought 40 years ago we'd still be together,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55as happy as we were on the day we first met?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57# Big, wobbly tits... #
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Excuse me.- Yes, sir?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02- The singer...- Uh-huh?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06He seems to be singing, "Big, wobbly tits."
0:19:06 > 0:19:12"Beekwableeteets" - sir, in my language this mean "eternal love".
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It's very old, traditional song of romance.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Oh, thank you. - It's a very beautiful song, sir.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Thank you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Oh, well, how sweet.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23- Where were we?- You were saying?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Oh, yes, well, the years seem to have gone so quickly
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and I've become more and more...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33# Wrinkly ball bag... #
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Excuse me.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Yes, sir?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Is he singing, "Wrinkly ball bag"?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Ah - "Rinkleeb al bak."
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Sir, in my language this mean, "When joy fills my aching heart."
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- When joy...- Yes. It's very beautiful song, sir.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- You know, sometimes it make me cry. - Yes, yes - thank you.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I feel the same way, darling.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock, shaft of cock...
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Right.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock
0:20:03 > 0:20:05# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock
0:20:05 > 0:20:07# Shaft of cock, shaft of cock... #
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Sir? Madam? You're leaving?
0:20:09 > 0:20:16# Jui-cee-ee juice... #
0:20:16 > 0:20:18PHONE RINGS
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Hello, Spunky Spunky Hand Job Restaurant?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Do you believe dreams can come true?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Georgia here hasn't seen her parents
0:20:26 > 0:20:28since they moved to Argentina five years ago, have you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31No, I can't afford the fare.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, YOU can't afford the fare...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39..and neither can we.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42But close your eyes. Close them.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Because there is a dream of yours that we can make come true,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49and it's the dream you had while you were sleeping last night.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52What?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Yeah, yeah. Hang on, hang on.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Wait for it...
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Now open your eyes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:13UNEARTHLY NOISES
0:21:34 > 0:21:37She wants to lay off the cheese before she turns in.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:40 > 0:21:42STATIC
0:21:42 > 0:21:44'It's Kevin!'
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Hello, can I help at all?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Oh, hello. Yes, it's my wife's birthday. So, she's 43.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Oh, nice.- So...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Well, you've come to the right place. We've got all sorts.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Daisies, very nice.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Or we have a Venus Human Trap.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I don't really know anything about flowers.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Well, I mean, daisies are lovely for brightening a room.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Um, very happy flower.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17The Venus Human Trap is perfect for trapping and devouring a human.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Hmm. How much are the daisies? - £4.99.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- And the Venus Human Trap? - £3.99.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Oh, the Venus Human Trap, then, please.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Would you like it gift-wrapped? - Is that included in the price? - Yes.- Yes, please.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29OK, not a problem.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37All right - come here, you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43SHE GASPS AND CHOKES
0:22:47 > 0:22:49SHE SCREAMS, PLANT GROWLS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58SCREAMS GET LOUDER
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I'm still Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That's still right, he still is.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07And earlier, Jeremy, you supervised me trying to beat the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- It was so close, wasn't it? - Yes, hard luck.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Grr!- Hard luck. - Gah!- Hard luck.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13- Phew!- Hard luck. - Orr!- Hard luck.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- Aaa!- Hard luck. - Hrrr!- Hard luck.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And now you're here to watch me try to beat the world record for not
0:23:18 > 0:23:21saying anything in ten seconds. What's the current world record?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Twelveington. - So, it's twelveington to beat.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- And I must say...- Go! - Oh, manything, dennything,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28bennything, hennything, manything, lennything, bennything,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32tennything, whennything, zennything, anything... Oh!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Oh, hard luck. - Dah!- Hard luck.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Woo!- Hard luck.- Dee!- Hard luck. - Whoar!- Hard luck.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Woar!- Hard luck. - Gah-gah-gah!- Hard luck.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Swamm!- Hard luck. - Tooh!- Hard luck.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Dee!- Hard luck. - Mmmm!- Hard luck.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- Grrr!- Hard luck.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50HIP HOP BEATS Hard luck.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Aaagh!
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Morning!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04HE RAPS: If I asked about the future would I sense a little tension?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Cos there's something that I've got here
0:24:06 > 0:24:08That I'd really like to mention
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Let me spell it out, I shall write it with my pen
0:24:10 > 0:24:13P-E-N-S-I-O-N
0:24:13 > 0:24:16My surname is Hughes, but please, call me Glenn
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Could you give me five minutes? Maybe ten?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Oh, right, I'll just wipe my feet
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And I must say, your garden's very neat
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Yes, this is a lovely street
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Oh, thank you - my, what a comfy seat
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Ha, ha, ha - right!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34You can get a pension automatic from the state
0:24:34 > 0:24:37But let me tell you now that it really isn't great
0:24:37 > 0:24:40You've got to make the right choices now you're getting older
0:24:40 > 0:24:43How about a pension called a stakeholder?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Hmm?- Stakeholder! - Hmm?- Stakeholder!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Oh, look, here's one in my folder
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Stakeholder!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Accessibility - Stakeholder!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Flexibility - Stakeholder!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Reliability and tax relief and contributions, full liability
0:25:00 > 0:25:04No? Well, here's another option that I think's a little beau-ity
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Have you ever thought about a lifetime annuity?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09A lifetime annuity It's fiscal acuity
0:25:09 > 0:25:12And oh - like this!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Your money income purchase is simply converted
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Invested in the market but can always be reverted
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Enhanced or deferred or with an index link
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Have a little look, just to tell me what you think
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Take your time.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26CLOCK TICKS
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Ooh, is that the time?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Down periscope!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40We'll be welcoming back comedian Josh Carter,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42with his hilarious jokes about forests.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44And that was just the conifers!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46We'll be discovering the reason why
0:25:46 > 0:25:49when you mix butter with water, this happens.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55'And I'll be flying round the studio like a bird.'
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Great. Up periscope!
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Well, all that remains is for me to say it's been a... No, no...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07HE RAPS: Before you say no, just a few moments more, sir
0:26:07 > 0:26:09One more thing before you show me to the door, sir
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I'm straight down the line, I've got the qualifications
0:26:12 > 0:26:15An FSA certificate in tax administration
0:26:15 > 0:26:17An NVQ diploma in retirement provision
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I've got awards across the boards for monetary vision
0:26:20 > 0:26:21And long division
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You've got to understand, I'm offering redemption
0:26:24 > 0:26:26You really ought to think about taking out a pension
0:26:26 > 0:26:29You really ought to think about taking out a pension
0:26:29 > 0:26:31You really ought to think about taking...
0:26:31 > 0:26:36DOG BARKS
0:26:38 > 0:26:46BARKING CONTINUES
0:26:49 > 0:26:57BARKING CONTINUES
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd