0:00:01 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen... It's Kevin.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07MUSIC STARTS
0:00:07 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# Oh, welcome to my show Yes it is me, I'm back again
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# I thought I'd start this evening by releasing this poor hen
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# I found it in a battery farm as sad as sad can be
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# So fly into the sky my friend for now I've set you free
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Likewise I am hoping to unleash some smiles and laughs
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# Be you Scousers, Geordies, Mancs Cockneys, Jocks or Taffs.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34ALL: # Oh, oh It's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:37 > 0:00:38# And that's the title
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:41 > 0:00:43# It's the Kevin Kevin Eldon Show... #
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Argh!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48# ..Welcome to my show now where the sun is always out
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# And yea are ever guaranteed a foaming pint of stout... #
0:00:51 > 0:00:57HE GARGLES TO TUNE
0:00:57 > 0:01:03- Burp! - LONG BELCH
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Pardon me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# ..Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:07 > 0:01:10# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:10 > 0:01:11# It's called It's Kevin
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# Oh! It's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:14 > 0:01:16# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:30ALL IN HARMONY: # Kevin Eldon Show! #
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Morning, Jo!- Oh...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- HE CHUCKLES - You look a bit rough.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44How was Peter's party?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I actually left at about 11. Everyone else went on to a club.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Sounds like it was quite a night. - HE CHUCKLES
0:01:55 > 0:01:56- CHEERILY:- Morning, Tim!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- You look a bit rough. - Yeah, tell me about it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Did you go to the club? - Yeah, but I left about one.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- HE BELCHES - I don't feel too good.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Morning, Simon!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You look a bit rough.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Christ! I am never drinking again!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I left Pete about six.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I don't know how he does it.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I really don't. HE SNORES
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Morning, Pete.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- HE CHUCKLES - You look...- I know.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44GASPING: I...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52'That's one small step for man,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56'one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.'
0:02:56 > 0:03:00First man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, there.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But did he say, "That's one small step for a man,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"one giant leap for mankind"?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Or as some claim, "That's one small step for a man,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood"?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Let's ask second man on the moon, Buzz Aldren.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Can I just right away say that Neil clearly says,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"One giant leap for mankind."
0:03:19 > 0:03:21OK, Buzz. Let's listen again.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27'..one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.'
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Yeah, I see what you mean, Buzz, but you've got to admit,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35it does sound a little bit like, "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood."
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Doesn't sound anything like, "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood."
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Play it again - in sections.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45'..one Swiss dinosaur...'
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"One giant leap..."
0:03:46 > 0:03:48'..in Polly Gosling's...'
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"..for..."
0:03:50 > 0:03:51'..anorak hood.'
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"..mankind."
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It is, isn't it?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58- Course it is.- Course it is.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Obviously.- "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood"(!)
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Stupid! - Doesn't even make any sense.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Well, that's cleared that up, Buzz, thanks very much.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Candid stoke in a kimono swab.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Thanks, Alison. - SHE SQUAWKS
0:04:17 > 0:04:18'Come in.'
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Morning, Doc...- Morning, have a seat. How can I help?- Ah, well...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I see. And when did you first notice the symptoms?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Oh, about...- Right, and have they recently become more pronounced?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Well...- OK, well, I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34- You're pre-emptive.- What's pre...
0:04:34 > 0:04:38It's quite a rare condition where you become totally predictable.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Oh... Is there a...- I'm afraid not. - Are you absolutely...- Quite sure.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43- But what...- It's hereditary.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Are you...- Oh, no, it's not infectious.- And what...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Well, a fruit diet has been found to alleviate the condition slightly.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- But where...- All I can suggest is a programme of counselling.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- You'll find a leaflet at reception. You're welcome.- Oh, thank you.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Yes, goodbye. Show the next patient in please.- Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Morning, doctor. - Hello, take a seat. How can I help?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15What have you got there, then?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Hm? Oh, it's, um, Beefeater magazine. Latest edition.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Oh, you like Beefeaters, do ya?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Beefeaters? Oh, yes, yes, I love them.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I reckon, if I had to choose out of all of the things in the world,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30including even air, water or food, I would choose Beefeaters.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Mad on them.- Well, what is it especially about Beefeaters, then?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Beefeaters? They're brilliant. Look at that one's ruff.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Right.- I'm quite the Beefeater enthusiast, actually.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I've got, uh, Beefeater T-shirts, Beefeater jigsaws,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Beefeater tea towels, Beefeater slippers, Beefeater alarm clock...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Got a Beefeater watch.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh, I forgot it's in for repair, but I have got one.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I made this Beefeater costume myself.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I've read all the books there are about Beefeaters. There are four.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I'm actually the editor of this Beefeater magazine.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I edit it, I write it, I deliver it, I read it, I re-read it,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I re-re-read it, then I put it in the trunk with the others.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I make models of Beefeaters.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I make them out of the inside of toilet rolls.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Then I make them out of the outside of toilet rolls.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Then I make them out of chrome.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I made a Beefeater once out of beef, actually, but...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27..I didn't eat it. I've written a song about a Beefeater.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31It goes... # Have you seen the fine Beefeater eating up his pastry... #
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I hardly sleep,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I spend so much of my time on my Beefeater-centred activities.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I would say that I'm probably, without fear of contradiction,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43the number-one Beefeater fan in the world.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Strike that, universe.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You going for a visit today, then?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Hm?- Tower of London?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- What?- Where the Beefeaters live.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Where the Beefeaters...live?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00You know...
0:07:14 > 0:07:15I really like this studio.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20It's got an atmosphere... Well, it's hard to define.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Well, the atmosphere in this studio's not THAT hard to define.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27In as much as, the atmosphere in this studio consists of oxygen,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31nitrogen, argon, carbon dioxide and small amounts of other gases.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- WHISTLING - 'Come back, lass, come back!'
0:07:34 > 0:07:37They film One Man And His Dog in here, you know.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38WOOF BAA
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Hey, let's go straight over to the sports desk.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It's nice, isn't it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I gave it a little spray of Mr Sheen earlier.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, and I put some WD40 on the drawer runners.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You know, so it's a really smooth action now. Watch.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Open drawer...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, close drawer.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Open drawer...close drawer.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Open drawer...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03..close drawer.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Hey, Bob. Oh, I like that.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- It's a prop for this week's show. - It's really good.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Remind me, what bit of the show is it for, again?- This bit.- Oh, yeah!
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Open drawer...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I am a fictional man from the north of England.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I'm chimney smoke, I'm moor mist.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Anyway, life in the north of England, eh?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It's one thing after another, which is being preceded by something,
0:08:38 > 0:08:42which itself is begin preceded by something, which itself is being preceded by something,
0:08:42 > 0:08:43going all the way back to 1066.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47If you're one of them creationists where that evil hussy Evy Adams
0:08:47 > 0:08:49picked the forbidden conker and shoved it up King Harold's nose.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Or even further back, if you're Stephen Dawkins -
0:08:51 > 0:08:5513.7 billion years with everything reduced to a singular point,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57smaller even than Jimmy Clithero.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Or even further back, if you're a proponent of the big bounce theory -
0:09:01 > 0:09:02ooh, big bounce, Aida Hopkins -
0:09:02 > 0:09:06which posits significant regression of eternally expanding and contracting universes...
0:09:06 > 0:09:10You decide! But what really takes the black pudding home
0:09:10 > 0:09:13with a fancy bag made of recyclable material decorated with flowers
0:09:13 > 0:09:15owned by a flamboyant window dresser,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18who wears a purple cravat and owns a cat called Lady Gaga,
0:09:18 > 0:09:19it's got a face looks like it's been squashed in a vice.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Cos when I found a thrupenny pence piece in a empty crisp packet,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I think it were Clock and Mill flavour at the corner of Hobblington Road and Edglington Avenue,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28you know, where Tommy Garter's Aunt Fifi got killed
0:09:28 > 0:09:31by that barrel of piccalilli. When I got home I found that me wife
0:09:31 > 0:09:34had run off with the ghost of German Shakespeare, Wolfgang Gerder.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Is it Gerder or Gerter? Is it Gotter or Geeter...?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Close drawer.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51And from our sports desk to our celebrity chef Charlie Sinclair.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Hello, Charlie.- Hi, Kevin.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Well, looks like you've been busy.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Making dinner. - Oh, great. What's the recipe?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Er...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Never mind. Do you reckon it's about ready now?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Yeah. - Let's have a look then, shall we?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Ooh! So, what's this?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18It's caller razor clam, leek and brioche Bake.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Oh, right. Well, if I try some...
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Hmm, I can taste fresh thyme in there.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It's quite strong...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Oh, no, no, no. I don't mean strong in a bad way.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Strong in a good way. It's delicious.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37PHONE RINGS
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Sorry, I'm going to have to take this.- No problem.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Hi, darling...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46OK, from our celebrity chef,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50over to Hilary Swan, our economics editor, with the finance news.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I told you not to call me at work!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59HE LAUGHS
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What do you think of my new perfume?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Mmm, it's nice. What is it?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's Wrists by Parfum De Pom Pom.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20It smells like...wrists.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It does! Do you wanna try?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Mmm, now my neck smells like wrists!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31It does! You neck smells just like wrists!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- FRENCH MALE VOICEOVER: - 'Wrists by Parfum De Pom Pom.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37'Now your whole body can smell like wrists.'
0:11:43 > 0:11:45'It's the silent killer.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51'You can't hear it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55'You can't taste it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02'You can't smell it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10'Cauliflower kills.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12'Fit a cauliflower alarm.'
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Now, you see, this is the thing about Bob.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20There's no job that he can't turn his hand to.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Is there, Bob?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23So, how are ya?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin. - Well, I'm glad to hear it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Well, I say very well, I've actually got a touch of Author Spasm.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Author Spasm?- Author Spasm.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I first got it when I was working as a ghost writer
0:12:34 > 0:12:36for Premier League football players...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41'Premier League footballers are thoughtful blokes,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45'with the minds of philosophers and the hearts of poets.'
0:12:45 > 0:12:48..and as the beleathered orb left my foot,
0:12:48 > 0:12:54spinning through the air like a meteor in the depths of the cosmos,
0:12:54 > 0:12:59I felt my entire life's dreams and hopes shared its happy trajectory.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Unobstructed, pure, true.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07'Unfortunately, footballers' agents need them
0:13:07 > 0:13:09'to maintain an image of pig ignorance
0:13:09 > 0:13:13'so that they don't alienate their sponsors' target audiences.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18'So...Bosh. Another one in the back of the net. Result.'
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Oh, that's actually very sad. - It is.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32To think that the world will never see a book of John Terry sonnets.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Hi, my name is Paul Hamilton and I am a poet.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59So shoot me.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02This week's poem is called
0:14:02 > 0:14:05On Remonstrating With The Alcoholic With Regards To
0:14:05 > 0:14:09His Unsolicited Comments Pertaining To The Polish Barmaid.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13No, Adrian...
0:14:15 > 0:14:18..I will not get a load of that Polish bit.
0:14:20 > 0:14:28No, Adrian, I would not like to get my head between those two beauties and go, "Waba, waba, waba."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33No, Adrian, no.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39Adrian, there are crisps in your beard and vomit on your shoes,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and dandruff in your hair.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44There are Pringles in your larder and urine in your milk bottles
0:14:44 > 0:14:47and a Vauxhall Astra engine in your bed.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Adrian, there is nothing in your diary and something
0:14:50 > 0:14:53in your attic, and I don't know what that is in your toilet.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59And when you look at Anna Surilsky...she has a name.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05You see 3D, page three, swinging free, double D,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08fantasy through the lies of your lager-filled eyes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:17Whereas I, I see a brave young woman in a cowardly old town...
0:15:18 > 0:15:21..who yearns for her mama's goulash.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39'Quantum shift sequence initiated.'
0:15:41 > 0:15:45This is it, Christopher. Remember this.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Although we may be interfering with history on a grand scale,
0:15:48 > 0:15:53we are also taking an opportunity to undo a great evil.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41PIANO PLAYS
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'OK. OK, how about this, Andrew?'
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# Oh, Joseph
0:16:48 > 0:16:51# Your multi-coloured coat has many different colours. #
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Yes! Jolly good, Tim. You're a superb lyricist!
0:17:16 > 0:17:17- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- Hey, fellas!
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I thought you might like to see a few new moves I've been working on for Jake the Peg.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- HE LAUGHS - Here we go, two, three, four...
0:17:24 > 0:17:29# I'm Jake the Peg Diddle-liddle-liddle-lum
0:17:29 > 0:17:31# With me extra leg Diddle-liddle-liddle-lum... #
0:17:31 > 0:17:34What's up, fellas? Where's the funeral?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36HE LAUGHS
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Strewth!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Aargh! Argh! Agh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:48HE GRUNTS
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Are you all right, Rolf?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yeah...
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Actually, Timbo, that wasn't me extra leg you pulled off, just then.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Waaa-hooo!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's the white coat window on the world of worldwide wonders,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31with the warmly winsome, Wendy Wilson.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Wendy, welcome, and wank you.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Thank you. So, what have you got?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Well, Kevin, this week I'm asking, is seeing believing?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Rhetorical question.- Ah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49You know what a rhetorical question is. Do you?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Oh, sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Yes, I do know what a rhetorical question is. Who doesn't?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Lots of people. - No, that was a rhetorical...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00The relationship between the human brain and the eye is a very complex one.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Let's try an experiment. I'm going to walk over here.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Now, when I say, I'd like you
0:19:05 > 0:19:09and audience at home to put one hand over one of their eyes. OK?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Now.- Wow!
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- What do you see? - You look like a yucca plant.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Now, when I say, you and the viewers take your hand off again.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Now.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And now you look like a lady again.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Beautiful lady... - Hand over eye.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Off.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29On. Off.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It's the visual version of the Doppler effect
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and it's called the Yuccler effect.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It's to do with the way the light falls on to the optic nerve.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38It's astonishing.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43Although, I have to say, there's nothing "Yucca-y" about you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46But our sight can also affect the way we perceive sound.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Watch this.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Listen to me say this sentence -
0:19:50 > 0:19:53hello, and how are you today?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Now, watch what happens when I say exactly the same sentence
0:19:56 > 0:19:59wearing a baseball cap and holding a mobile phone.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- MALE VOICE:- Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06In both cases, you're hearing exactly the same sentence,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10but the visual input is fooling your brain into thinking that they sound quite different.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Hello, and how are you today?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- MALE VOICE:- Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser!
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Well, it's amazing! You're amazing...
0:20:22 > 0:20:23at explaining things.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Well, it just goes to show that seeing isn't always believing.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Thank you, Wendy. - HE WHIMPERS
0:20:34 > 0:20:38..Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Brahms, all died...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40They're all heroes of ours, aren't they?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Really?- They're wonderful people.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Are they?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh, yes, they really turn us on.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49But they're dead.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Well, suppose they turn other people on?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- That's just their tough shit. - It's what?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Nothing. Rude word. Next question.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02No, no. What was the rude word?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Shit.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Was it really? Good heavens, you frightened me to death.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10What about you girls behind?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12He's like your dad, isn't he, this geezer?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Your granddad.- Are you...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Are you worried or just enjoying yourself?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Enjoying myself.- Are you?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Yeah.- Oh, that's what I thought you were doing.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Yeah, I always wanted to meet you.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Did you really? We'll meet after, shall we?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30You dirty sod. You dirty old man!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Well, keep going, chief, keep going. Go on.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You've got another five seconds, say something outrageous.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You dirty... You dirty bastard.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Go on, again. - You dirty fucker.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41What a clever...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44What a fuckin' rotter.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Well, that's it for tonight. I'll be seeing you soon.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I hope I won't be seeing YOU again. From me though, good night.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10OK, let's have a round-up of this week's new releases
0:22:10 > 0:22:13with music critic and full English breakfast Chas Bough.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14- You all right, Chas? - All right.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17So, first up, the Nangawiches.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Now, they haven't had a single out for quite a while.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21What do you think?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24OK. Plan B and Robert Plant fighting over a beetle were having
0:22:24 > 0:22:27a noctule of the sound of the Nangawiches.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Right. I don't really understand. But no, it's all right.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Onto the next track which is called Mingle by the new South London outfit Mingle.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39OK. Try to imagine Nick Drake driving a bubble car with
0:22:39 > 0:22:41The Clash in the back arguing over the directions with young
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Tom Jones till they career right into a shed,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46in which the Arctic Monkeys are beating up a nun.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Have you listened to these records, Chas?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51OK. Try to imagine Dusty Springfield borrowing some teabags from her new neighbours,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Daft Punk have got Beck round to mend their combi-boiler
0:22:54 > 0:22:59- and she was drunk on teenage fan clubs' home brew. - Yeah, none of this means anything.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02OK, try to imagine the Shangri-La's, Jarvis Cocker...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Right, where's the dog? Ah, there's one.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Here, boy! Here, boy!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Good boy.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Hello?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44This is Mr Alexander Graham Bell,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48making the first ever telephonic communication.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Can you hear me, Mr Watson?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55'I hear you clearly, Mr Bell.'
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Good.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Then I must ask you, Mr Watson,
0:24:01 > 0:24:08if you or any of your relatives have ever made an unsuccessful
0:24:08 > 0:24:13insurance claim after an accident that was not your fault...
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Hello?
0:24:17 > 0:24:21'Hello? Hello?'
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Right. Let's have a look at what's coming up next week.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Lonely dog makes a welcome return.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36The cheese witch gets more than she bargained for
0:24:36 > 0:24:38when she takes on the onion wizard.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And I'll be fighting evil.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Ah, so, time to say goodbye.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Ideally, the traditional showbiz way would be to sign off with
0:24:53 > 0:24:57a jaunty catchphrase, but the trouble is...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- MUSIC STARTS - # I haven't got a catchphrase But if I had a catchphrase
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# Then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase
0:25:03 > 0:25:07# I haven't got a catchphrase That would be my catchphrase
0:25:07 > 0:25:09# But still it's nowhere near as cool
0:25:09 > 0:25:10# As all the ones I knew at school
0:25:10 > 0:25:12# And all the ones I've learnt since then are
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# Oh, now, what were they again? There's simply, Aaay!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# That's from the Fonz and the famous one from The Two Rons
0:25:17 > 0:25:18# Goodnight from me Goodnight from him
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# There's I'll be back and Dammit, Jim!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21# There's No, don't titter and Ah, go on
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Let's see what you would have won
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# Oh, behave and there's I'm free, Yabba dabba do!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# But me? I haven't got a catchphrase
0:25:28 > 0:25:29# But if I had a catchphrase
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# Then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase
0:25:32 > 0:25:34# I haven't got a catchphrase
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# That would be my catchphrase
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# You're doomed, you're doomed and just like that
0:25:48 > 0:25:49# I tawt I taw a puddy tat
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# Silly moo and only me I pity the fool from Mr T
0:25:52 > 0:25:55# Lovely jubbly, Cowabunga Hi-dee-hi and ay caramba
0:25:55 > 0:25:58# And Ooh, matron from our Ken and also turned out nice again
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# Mmm Betty What's up Doc?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# There's something camp from that bloke Gok
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# I don't believe it That's a high
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# It can't be beaten and that is why...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# He hasn't got a catchphrase But if he had a catchphrase
0:26:11 > 0:26:12# Then he thinks his catchphrase
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# Would be the following catchphrase
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# I haven't got a catchphrase
0:26:16 > 0:26:17# That would be his catchphrase. #
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd