0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Yeah, welcome to the show
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Now and I don't want to be rude
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# But I'm afraid you've caught me in a rather sulky mood
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# I've asked the show's producer if he could get on the case
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# And find some things to put the smile back on my sullen face
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# Oh, here's a plate of chips and here's a lovely old guitar
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# Some fizzy pop, a kitten and a lady in her bra! Hoorah!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show And that's the title
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show Achoo!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48# I'm feeling much revived I feel ecstatic hip-hooray!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# In fact I might be going much too far the other way
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# I think my smile is moving to the stage of overload
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# Quick show me something sad or else my face just might explode! #
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Sad!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CRYING AND FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING
0:01:05 > 0:01:10# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:10 > 0:01:11# It's called It's Kevin
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# Argh! It's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:14 > 0:01:17# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:17 > 0:01:18# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:20 > 0:01:21# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:21 > 0:01:30# Kevin Eldon show! #
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Men's hair fashion has come a quite a way since the short back and sides
0:01:37 > 0:01:39our fathers and grandfathers all sported.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Long hair may be with it but is IT a good thing to be with?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Quite apart from the creepy crawlies
0:01:46 > 0:01:50using long hair as the perfect squatting opportunity - yuck!
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Long hair is also a perfect menace when it comes to eating...
0:01:54 > 0:01:55skiing...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58or operating industrial machinery.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02From Monday the 1st May 1972, every male in Britain
0:02:02 > 0:02:05and Northern Ireland over the age of 14 will be entitled to
0:02:05 > 0:02:07a National Health haircut.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10A cut will cost you nothing except the time taken to visit your doctor
0:02:10 > 0:02:12and collect a prescription,
0:02:12 > 0:02:13which you'll then be required to present
0:02:13 > 0:02:16at your nearest National Health hairdresser.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21They can be found at most chemists, Weighbridges and in the Royal Docks.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There are two cuts...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Both cuts strike the right balance between trendy and sensible.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32You wont look square but you will look stylish.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35So, use your head, have yourself a National Health haircut.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Er, excuse me,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50is this the waiting room for the World's Biggest Building Competition?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Yes.- All right, thank you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Well, what about this? The great Spagboletti.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25MUSIC: "Funiculi, Funicula" By Peppino Turco
0:03:25 > 0:03:26- Ciao!- Ciao!- Ciao!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Ciao!- Ciao!- Ciao!- Ciao!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Ciao!- Ciao!- Ciao!- Ciao!- Ciao!
0:03:31 > 0:03:32- Get on with it.- Si.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Ciao! My name is the great Spagboletti.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41All of my life, my arch enemy has a been Spaghetti Bolognese.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44But why do you, an Italian man, hate Spaghetti Bolognese?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- I don't know?- (He doesn't know!)
0:03:46 > 0:03:52So, here you see tank containing Spaghetti Bolognese.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55In which I will submerge myself up to my chin.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Wait till you see it. It's amazing.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02In Italy, when I submerge myself up to my chin, women scream
0:04:02 > 0:04:04and men punch themselves in the face.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06In Milan, the men scream
0:04:06 > 0:04:09and the women punch a themselves in the face but that's Milan for you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, Milan, Milan, Milan.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18So, in this way I show my enemy that I do not fear him.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I shame him. This Spaghetti Bolognese!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Right, so...- I run out of a spit, you spit please?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Oh, yes, yes, of course.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Grazie!- Prego.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Right, so if you'd like to, er...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35DRUM ROLLING
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Right, so, there's not a lot I can say to prepare you for this.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45So, quite simply, this is the great Spagboletti.
0:04:45 > 0:04:52OK, now I show you, Mr meat based pasta dish!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Right now!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58That's a right, it's me again! You thought I'd gone away.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Well, wrong again, you fool.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02And I tell you, any second now,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04you're going to wish you was never made.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Stay there, stay right there.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09HE SNUFFLES
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Hey, did I tell you how much I hate you?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Well, I tell a you now!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18A LOT! I hate you...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Yeah, there is actually usually quite a bit of psyching up
0:05:21 > 0:05:22before he goes in.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24So, while that's going on,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27here's an interesting fact about the great Spagboletti's homeland.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Like many countries in the Eurozone,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Italy is in the grip of an economic downturn
0:05:34 > 0:05:37but in Italy the down-and-outs don't say, "Any spare change."
0:05:37 > 0:05:39They sing things like...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# My mother fell in love with a man called Guido
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# He was the Vineyard owner on the hill
0:05:45 > 0:05:48# My father in a terrible rage of passion
0:05:48 > 0:05:50# My mother and a Guido did a-kill
0:05:50 > 0:05:55# Now I am so emotionally vulnerable That I cannot work but only cry
0:05:55 > 0:05:58# So, give me a beggar just a few spare euros
0:05:58 > 0:06:10# Or I'm afraid that I will starve and die! #
0:06:10 > 0:06:15My father hated you. My father's father hated you too.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20My father's father's father actually quite liked you -
0:06:20 > 0:06:21but he was a freak!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25And, anyway, HIS father hated you even more than I do.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Er, great Spagboletti?- Si.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Could you give us a little shout when you're actually going in?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31No problem.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Grazie.- Prego.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34And now this.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Now, my mother, she was ambivalent.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Mmm, this is nice. What is it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Liquid.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Mmm, I love liquid.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Oh, Caroline's a bit of a liquid buff. Aren't you, love?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Yes, I do like my liquids.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50THEY ALL CHUCKLE
0:06:50 > 0:06:53So, what you driving these days then, Matt?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- A car. Made by a car manufacturer... - Oh, very nice.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59..with various features.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Argh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Oh, I forgot to ask, how was the holiday in a hot country far away?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Oh, really nice.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12But well, slightly spoiled for Adam by a minor mishap,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15which brought about an embarrassing yet amusing set of circumstances!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17THEY ALL LAUGH
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I tell you what, about an event.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I know. I've reacted to it.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I read in a newspaper that it's been going on for a period of time.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah, well, did you see a programme?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30A man said an event was caused by another event.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Well, I have an opinion about it.- Oh, me too.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Well, mine's slightly different from yours.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Well, I didn't have an opinion about it
0:07:36 > 0:07:40but I have a opinion about it now, which I've just made up on the spot.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42A thing.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- A comment on that thing. - I further comment on that thing.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47An unrelated thing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03HE LAUGHS
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"An unrelated thing"!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Here's another one for you. Knock-knock...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Yes?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Doctor, people seem to have a slight difficulty understanding me.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Understonding you?- Understanding me.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Understinding you?- Understanding me!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Understeinding you?!- Oh, never mind!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Never mooned?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Forget it!- Forgoot it?!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Doctors sketch there.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Thanks, Alison.- Ahh!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Time for the archive slot.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36'Archoove slot?!'
0:08:40 > 0:08:44All Fall Down was a hard-hitting 1984 television drama
0:08:44 > 0:08:47written by award-winning playwright Ken Bleaksdale
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and it followed the changing fortunes of a working class family
0:08:50 > 0:08:52in recession-hit Liverpool.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Talk to me, Donnie! Why won't you talk to me?!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58All right, Lizzie...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'll talk to ya -
0:09:00 > 0:09:01our Billy's on smack!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03And I've been laid off.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There. What have ya got to say to that?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10(I've got AIDS!)
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Attracting plaudits and criticism in equal measure,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18All Fall Down's uncompromising grittiness gave voice to the worries
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and concerns of the simple everyman.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Militant, Sandinistic, Gravano, Trotskyite situationist...
0:09:28 > 0:09:29..JESUS!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Can't there be a socialist utopia?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45But in the final episode the mood grew somewhat darker.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54One fish finger.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57That's all there is. Just one fish finger.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59There's only one fish finger.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01There's nothing else but one fish finger.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Here it is, that's it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Just one fish finger and it's a burnt fish finger.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07That's all there is.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Mum, Dad, I've got something to say...
0:10:13 > 0:10:14..I'm pregnant...
0:10:17 > 0:10:18..and I've got AIDS!
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And...I'm joining the Young Conservatives!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Finally, viewers were invited to contemplate the unthinkable.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34'Attention. Britain is under nuclear attack from the Soviet Union.'
0:10:34 > 0:10:37SIRENS WAILING 'Find shelter, immediately.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42'Repeat, Britain is under nuclear attack from the Soviet Union.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45'Find shelter, immediately.'
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Imagine that?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53A side-tracked underclass living in dire poverty
0:10:53 > 0:10:54with no work and even less hope.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I'm implying that that's still going on, you know, in Britain today.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05"Oh, hello, everybody, I'm Spaghetti Bolognese!"
0:11:05 > 0:11:08HE SPITS
0:11:08 > 0:11:12"I contain oregano and I'm a bloody brilliant!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Well, I have news for you! You're not, you're rubbish!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Here, what have you to say to that?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Eh?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Nothing!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Ahhh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28You have a nothing to say to that. Typical!
0:11:28 > 0:11:29SIRENS WAILING
0:11:29 > 0:11:33What would it be like if fascist scum Adolf Hitler had actually
0:11:33 > 0:11:36had the vocal tone of posh musical producer George Martin?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Hm? Eh? What?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44So where did it all go wrong?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Well, I'm sure you've heard a lot of people say
0:11:47 > 0:11:49that it was when the Japanese became involved
0:11:49 > 0:11:53but that's far from the whole story.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I think we lost a lot of fans
0:11:55 > 0:11:57when we started getting more experimental.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Suddenly we weren't the lovable National Socialists any more.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It was, "Oh, those crazy Nazi's,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"they're into administering weird drugs now."
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And certainly there were personal differences.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Heinrich, for example,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15was getting into all this far out annihilation of cultures and stuff.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19In particular, the consciousness of anybody who wasn't German or a Nazi.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Whilst Goering just wanted to play drums.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26But, whatever, they were fantastic times
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and I wouldn't have missed them for the world.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Although, I suppose it was the world that I was after in the first place.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36So I suppose, I would have missed them for the world
0:12:36 > 0:12:38but not for anything else...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42..not for anything else...
0:12:42 > 0:12:43SIRENS WAILING AND BOOTS MARCHING
0:12:43 > 0:12:47..not for anything...would I have missed them...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- GERMAN ACCENT:- No! Not a single thing!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Would I have missed them for!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Fabulous times!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Yeah, it'd be like that.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05SHOUTING AND SCREAMING
0:13:08 > 0:13:11For some reason, we've got thousands of screaming pillows.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Down stuffed and louder than jets in reverse.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Buy one screaming pillow, get seven free.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Buy 7 screaming pillows and get 500 free! That's right.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You heard me! Absolutely free!
0:13:23 > 0:13:27And we'll deliver your screaming pillows to your door, gratis!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Screaming pillows, get some today.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Argh!
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Have you ever wanted to play a musical instrument like the stars?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Yeah. But it'd take ages.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41No, it wont!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Because with Easyplay Teach Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47you can master your favourite pop hits in minutes.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Why not try the songs of Coldplay, arranged for chair and stick...
0:13:53 > 0:13:57..or Kate Bush's The Sensual World arranged for chair and stick...
0:13:59 > 0:14:02..or the music of Peter Andre arranged for chair and stick?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Just follow our easy system
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and in no time you'll be playing chair and stick like a professional.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Why not get together with friends and form a band?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Easyplay Teach Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Let the music move you.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Chair and stick not included.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I thought I'd bring Bob an artichoke,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31to thank him for all the hard work he does about the place.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32(Bob loves artichokes.)
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Come in.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Hello, Bob.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Oh, thanks, Kevin! I love artichokes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I'll just put it in my locker.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45CRASHING AND SMASHING
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Sometimes I wonder if you're making the best use of the space?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Don't you think?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Nah! I don't go in for all that Feng Shu palaver.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Hey, so you keep entrails in your locker?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, yeah.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Right, well, I was just passing by. So, I'll just, erm...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh, no, no, no!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, I think our hair's caught.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27OK. So, pull after three. One, two, three...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32OK, I'll just...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Ta, for the artichoke. - You're welcome.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Hi. My name is Paul Hamilton and I am a poet.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57And, er, newsflash, so are you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00This week's poem chronicles
0:16:00 > 0:16:05a supposedly romantic candlelit dinner for two,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08which...didn't quite go as planned.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Personal experience.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13This is called Hate Date.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18You didn't like my Gooseberry wine You said you'd rather lager
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You said, "What's wrong with microwaves?"
0:16:20 > 0:16:21And sneered at my old Aga.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You would not watch Wings Of Desire the movie by Wim Wenders
0:16:24 > 0:16:29Instead the shrieking cockney angst The foulness of Eastenders
0:16:29 > 0:16:32My shirt, my hair, my Rothko prints All claimed your disapproval
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And even my best underpants after trous-er removal
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Oh, it was not surely love we made And not from heaven sent
0:16:38 > 0:16:40You vomited my mango flan
0:16:40 > 0:16:42You came and came Came one more time
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You punched my cat then went.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Well, well, well, it's the White Coat Window
0:16:55 > 0:16:57on the World of Worldwide Wonders
0:16:57 > 0:16:59with the winningly wonderful Wendy Wilson.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Wendy welcome and wa-wa-woo? - I'm sorry?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- How are you? So, er, what are we looking at this week?- Tits.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- HE TITTERS - Yes, tits, Kevin.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Which stands for Totally Inquisitive Tone Syndrome.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Oh, and what is this syndrome?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Well, those infected are unable to make a simple statement of fact
0:17:20 > 0:17:22without it sounding like a question.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Urgh! And you've got a sufferer with you here.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Yes. This is Daniel.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Hi, Daniel. How are you?- I'm fine?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Well, I've no idea if you're fine or not. I asked you, didn't I?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34And there you have it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, of course, it's...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Tits. Go on, ask him a question.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41OK, er, Daniel, er, where do you work?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43In a call centre?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44You might do.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Sorry, why do you think I would know where you...? Ah.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Tits.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50So, I see you've got Daniel attached
0:17:50 > 0:17:52to this, sort of, contraption gizmo thing. What's that?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Well, every time he makes a statement
0:17:54 > 0:17:56that sounds like a question.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Daniel, tell me what two and two is.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- Four?- I just push this button.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02DANIEL SCREAMS
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Right, so sort of aversion therapy?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- No, no, I just want to hurt him.- Ah!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Thing is, there are millions like this irritating little maggot
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and it's the fact that they try to make you complicit
0:18:13 > 0:18:15that gets me so cross.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Watch this. Daniel, what did you do on Saturday?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I went to the shops?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Now, look at him. Look at him.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Oh, right. OK, I get it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26OK, so he actually believes that his statement, "I went to the shops,"
0:18:26 > 0:18:29which, for no acceptable reason, he made sound like a question,
0:18:29 > 0:18:30really was a question.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Now he's waiting for you to give a totally unnecessary answer.- Yes.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, what a crispy wad!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Well, may I?- Please do?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39THEY LAUGH
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Ahh?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Oh, and again.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Ahh?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- My turn.- Oh, yes...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Ahh?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Ahh?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00'It's Kevin.'
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I first met Paul through one of those websites
0:19:07 > 0:19:10where people recommend single friends.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12And his friend said that he was really nice
0:19:12 > 0:19:14but that he was a bit stupid.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- What's that?- It's just a wall.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Oh. Where?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Anyway, when I met him, it turns out he was more than a bit stupid.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I was thrilled, because I LOVE stupid men.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27He's got a tattoo he did on himself of one of the Jedward boys.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Edward, cos he doesn't like Jon.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30- Jon?!- In Jedward.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Jon. No, they should call themselves Edward.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I done a tattoo on myself, there.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I've tried going out with intelligent men
0:19:40 > 0:19:41but they're just so boring.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44They know when to stop climbing when they go up a ladder...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- The floor's got big! - ..they do calculus, you know. Yawn.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I forgot I was sitting down.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Just feel SO lucky.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55He votes for wobbly-voiced singers on the telly,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57he queues up to go into Madame Tussauds,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01he drinks all the water in the fountain in the shopping mall.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03He is amazingly thick.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05HE CHUCKLES
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, he's noticed his leg.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Ho-ho, it's back again!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13THEY LAUGH
0:21:08 > 0:21:11'Hello, my name's Mr Nerd.'
0:21:12 > 0:21:14'Oh, look, a train!'
0:21:15 > 0:21:18'I love trigonometry!'
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Can I help?- Hello, yes. It's this figurine.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Oh, yeah, the Mr Nerd. It's very funny.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Oh, is it? Well, let's have a listen, shall we?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38'A female Doctor Who?! Blasphemy!'
0:21:38 > 0:21:41HE LAUGHS
0:21:41 > 0:21:43'What's wrong with smelling like a cabbage?'
0:21:43 > 0:21:45HE LAUGHS
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I happen to be a nerd.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Oh. Oh, yeah.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Proud to be a nerd.- Of course.
0:21:51 > 0:21:57This, this obscenity reduces we nerds to one-dimensional cliches.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01'Star Wars films are brilliant.'
0:22:01 > 0:22:05There! I happen to think that Return of the Jedi is slightly below par.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09'I live in a bedsit.'
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha(!)
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Actually, I reside in an attic,
0:22:13 > 0:22:17in a house, which belongs to an alcoholic widow.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19'I'm a virgin!'
0:22:23 > 0:22:25'I collect comics.'
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Hello? They're called graphic novels!
0:22:30 > 0:22:31'I've got no friends.'
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong...wrong.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I do, actually. His name is Artey, he lives in Indonesia
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and we meet on the Discworld chat forum
0:22:41 > 0:22:45every Tuesday and Thursday evening at 1800 hours GMT.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47He lives in Jakarta,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51where he is the assistant head of the stationary department.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54He is the head of the paperclips and staples section
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and his main interests are paperclips and staples...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00BONGOS PLAYING
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Hey, you listening down there, Mr Bolognese?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Think of your worst nightmare!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You thinking of it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:50Now multiply it by 20 and add 100 and that's a what's a facing you now.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Oh, boy...
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Here I come, or no I don't! Here I come, or no I don't!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I'll be haunting a teddy bears' nest...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Woo!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11..we research the top ten most callous ringtones.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14At number ten a man falling off a stepladder...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16MAN SHOUTING AND GROANING
0:24:19 > 0:24:22..and mothers-in-law, are they really extinct?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26We go in search of the politically incorrect comedy staple.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Look, look, look, there she is!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Miserable old cow!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38And now, to play us out, a song about bullying in the workplace.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40And there's nothing funny about that.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Argh! SPLASHING
0:24:50 > 0:24:54# I work in a supermarket on the outskirts of the town
0:24:54 > 0:24:56# It's a steady job and I earn a few bob
0:24:56 > 0:24:59# But there's one thing brings me down
0:24:59 > 0:25:04# My section supervisor is a man who's name is Brad
0:25:04 > 0:25:06# He's rude and he's crude Often in a bad mood
0:25:06 > 0:25:09# And that makes me kind of sad
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# He makes me fill the big deep freezer every single day
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# I shiver and I shake and it's hard to take
0:25:17 > 0:25:19# But there's nothing I can say
0:25:19 > 0:25:24# He mocks my trousers in the canteen And he clips my ear
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Spits in my cup and trips me up And I live my life in fear
0:25:29 > 0:25:34# But I will kidnap Brad and I will drive him to a derelict barn
0:25:34 > 0:25:39# I will tie him to a hay rig with a sturdy length of yarn
0:25:39 > 0:25:41# And I will make a big jam sandwich
0:25:41 > 0:25:44# I will place it on the floor
0:25:44 > 0:25:48# Very soon Brad will get peckish Then one thing I know for sure
0:25:48 > 0:25:53# He will see that big jam sandwich lying there upon the hay
0:25:53 > 0:25:57# "How I want that big jam sandwich" Is what Brad is bound to say
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# But I will take that big jam sandwich
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# "Mmm, I'll say, this looks delish!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# "I think that this big jam sandwich would make quite a tasty dish"
0:26:07 > 0:26:12# Then I will eat that big jam sandwich right before his very eyes
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# That will teach that Brad some manners
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# That will cut him down to size
0:26:17 > 0:26:25# Then Brad will respect me Then Brad will respect me I hope. #
0:26:27 > 0:26:29HE SPITS
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Hmph!
0:26:33 > 0:26:37CAR ENGINE FAILS TO START
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd